My wife seems to be getting more control over her emotional peri symptoms, but still has headaches, lack of sleep,body aches, etc.. The one change she's described lately has been a noticeable change in her periods, 19 days and then 35. The last one also started, stopped and then started again. She says its the weather, yeah sure. She is in major denial. I brought up the subject of peri several months ago and she raised hell, so I no longer mention it.

My problem is that prior to being married, I was very active and somewhat irresponsible. Once I had children, I made a commitment to raise them in a safe and secure environment as my parents did for me and my siblings. I still maintain a core of wanting to live on the edge and be somewhat irresponsible, but I have always been committed to my marriage and my family and have given up my core tendancies. We are secure in many ways because of years of hard work and the grace of God.

In peri, my wife considers her life to be boring and is not sure she wants to commit to the marriage. Luckily , my kids are older teenagers and are somewhat self-sufficient, but I will always be committed to them. I would like nothing more than to live the life I did prior to marriage. I am still very active and in decent shape. I know my wife couldn't keep up becasue of some of her prior health issues. I want nothing more than to take my kids and retrace my past life and just set her aside because of her selfishness. She is secretive and maintains that I control her. She's the one who has to know my every move and gets upset if I don't answer my phone when she calls. I've caught her in a number of lies and she shows no emotion to me whatsoever. She will even hug the kids very affectionately in front of me and look at me whether I'm getting upset. I've detached to the point that I'm not even sure if I still have feelings for her. The only thing that keeps me going is that prior to Peri, she was a very empathic loving individual and we had a close relationship. At this point, my past would be an easy transition based on my old friends and family, who I have become even closer to over the last year. I guess I am at a crossroads at this point and I'm not sure she realizes that I am not a sure thing. I can deal with a number of things including rage, her saying odd things and verbally attacking me. I attribute these to hormones and accept them as a stage of her life. I do not accept lies, secrecy and the sense that she is trying to cause me emotional pain. Is there advice before I pull the eject button?

One very ironic thing just happened as I finished this post, the Jimmy Buffet song Margaritaville came on the computer on the radio station I had steaming on the internet.

I find it hard to believe that the life you enjoyed 20 plus years ago as a single man would be the same now. It may SEEM attractive but once you are actually there...it may not be what you thought it would be. Just keep that in mind. Some things we think we are changing for the better but only realize after the fact that we jumped in too fast and can not hit the rewind button. I am not saying what you should do, just please be careful and weigh the balance carefully. The newfound freedom you are looking at may not be so bright once you are there.

It would not be the same in terms of dating, but in terms of activities and risks, a little more financial security may actually make me more active than before.

If it is ANY consolation I did this to my husband. For about a year. I felt he no longer made me happy. Then I got jealous and accused him of all sorts of things. I went crazy trying to find out who he was messing around with. Jokes on me. There WAS no one. He was and has always been faithful. I WAS THE ONE WHO LOST IT. Then he finally said enough. He still loved me but he could not live like this anymore. My choice. I chose to change. I stopped everything. It was harder than hell to change that but I did. We are stronger in our love and relationship than ever before. He commited to me for better or worse. I saw him through 18 years of his worse and he's standing beside me to see me through mine.

GG if you are UNHAPPY then you have the right to leave. You have every right to be loved as the wonderful man that you are. You have bent over backwards trying to make this marriage work. Just make sure before you hit said eject button that you no longer actually LOVE her.

GG is for Good Grief just so ya know! sorry I'm rambling. I just HATE so see marriages fail. Especially long term ones!

I think I have posted before with regards to my husbands ex wife who exhibited much of what you wife is exhibiting. Kept pushing him away, loved on the kids all the time but kept telling him "he wasn't happy, she knew HE wasn't happy", etc etc. kept deflecting everything onto him. He went through therapy with her, men's retreats, everything to try and save his marriage. She said things to demean him, yet on some level I think she though he was so whipped he would put up with it. Even after she told him she wanted a separation and then ever so graciously said "Ok, you can stay in the garage" after he lost he after she asked for the separation and punch a hole in the wall. He was emotionally overloaded by her crazy behavior (he hadn't learned detachment like you have). So, when she finally said she didn't love him anymore and that nothing he could do would ever be enough he filed for divorce. They were separated 1 1/2 years he met me, she didn't think it was serious, but, when she realized it was she wrote him so cocamamye email, saying she never filed for divorce first, he did and she didn't believe in divorce or separating families (HUH!!) never said she was sorry, never really took any responsibility (gee if you were trying to get your husband back you might want to butter him up, she couldn't even do it then.... THANK GOD) we got engaged thereafter. She poisoned the kids against him (trust me when I tell you this man is a gem, I want to send her a thank you card on our anniversary, lol) he has not seen his kids in almost 4 years. He has tried everything. She finally got on board 6 months ago (she remarried 1 year ago) but by then the kids think he is the bad guy. It is awful. So what I am trying to say in a very long long long winded way is sometimes people need a wake up call. If you truly are done then be done. I know this may not be a popular suggestion amongst my PS sisters, however, I say a separation may just be what you guys need to get clarification. Absence either makes the heart grow fonder or it doesn't and at least you finally know. I know easier said than done, but, your other option is staying in limbo and feeling so empty in your relationship. I know these peri symptoms can make us feel and act terribly. I am not in your home or experiencing what you are experiencing with your wife, you are. I'm not saying get divorced, but, I think time a part may help make some things clearer. If you aren't even getting a glimpse of something resembling kindness and empathy from your wife then I don't know what else to say. Lying and secrecy is not ok in a marriage on any level and for any reason in my opinion. You have a hard decision to make and only you can make it. Be sure that you are prepared for whatever the end result is after you make your decision, be at peace. Take care, Mich

Sorry for the typos eeekkk!!

Thanks for the background. I am very close to my kids and I don't see them working against me and I would never turn them against my wife. I would do this in a way that goes in stages and would allow for retracement if we both desired.

Sorry, I probably rambled a bit which may not have been helpful to you. I wasn't implying you would have a negative experience with your kids should you and your wife separate. My husbands situation is not the norm especially since he was a hands on Dad. His kids were way younger than yours when they split up, more impressionable. I am sure you will handle this in a dignified and caring manner as you have handled everything thus far. I wish you and your family nothing but the best. Take care. Mich

I'm not an English teacher and have my moments with mispellings and bad grammer. I very much appreciate your advice and the other ladies on this forum (Ladybugsforu), I just can't understand how my wife can be civil to other people and appear as a nutcase to me and the kids.

Well, here is another little family story, if you can stand it, lol. My Mom had mental illness (I was in foster homes my whole life and didn't really ever live with her) however, I have a sister who is 18 years younger than me and whom lived with her for 14 years. My mother was truly nuts, she could be calling my sister all kinds of vile names and be so in a rage and then pick up the phone and act perfectly normal to whomever was on the other line, and trust me she was no where close to normal, and then get off the phone and start her rampage again without a beat. No offense to my Mom, I realize she was mentally ill (schizophrenia) however, it was insanity for my sister. Obviously, your wife is not ill on that level, but, case in point people can do that no matter what their mental status is. Seemly be in control when they choose and then lose it where they feel "safe" to lose it. It's weird I know, but, it happens all the time.

So, I started writing a response over an hour ago, and my wife came along and wanted to tell me some things... so... here is what I had written down:

In the end, your decision to hit the eject button or not... All I can say is, be sure before you hit it that it is what you truly want. I have received the advice from several now that I should be hitting it myself. Why don't I? I have too much to lose and even while there is a flicker of love that exists in my heart, and a sign of the same in my wife's heart, I don't want to risk making what could be the biggest mistake in my life. We had something special, and for whatever cocktail of hormones, relationship problems, and external events, it is in jeopardy. I won't hit that button yet as our marriage is not over and hope remains.

An exercise you may want to do is find a quiet place, and visualize your life in the future... one with your wife, and one without. How do you see the future unfold? What would you be doing and where do you think you will be in 2, 5, 10, 20, 30 years in each scenario? What will make you happy in each of the two different branches? Maybe there are more paths as well that you haven't considered?

Is the life you used to live something that cannot be achieved while still married to your current wife? Are they mutually exclusive or can you maintain your marriage and partake in certain activities you used to love doing before?

The perception of lies, secrecy, etc is also something I am living... however it is difficult to really know to what extent lies exist... or whether some of it is from my own imagination as a result of little real communication with my wife and the mistrust introduced into what I thought was a serene marriage. Maybe the same is happening with you if your wife is in 'self protection' mode and cannot divulge information out of fear, and that same fear is affecting her attitude towards you. Much the same way, the fear of control is also thrown in for good measure, as she is likely barely in control of her own emotions so any perceived attempt to control her is blown out of proportion.

You've been around long enough on this board so you know all this stuff... So after weighing in everything, in the end it is up to you to determine in your own heart if leaving is the right choice as you are the one who will have to live with the consequences.

All the best!

I especially liked michuganna's post.

Ladybug is very direct; I like this.
You always know just where she stands, and she does not pull punches. LOL!
Ouch!...but a good ouch!

I see Goalie as stable. He is like an oak tree in a storm.
I would want him on my side if the sea got rough!


Each one posting seems to have a different view, which I find helpful.
I, too have been learning what goes on inside of man's head. It is quite enlightening. LOL!
I thought that all you guys thought about was sex! LOL! Now to find out that you think about
everything else, too, is....well....discouraging! (only kidding)




Being-patient,

It sounds like you are getting tired of "being patient." (and I don't blame you.)
I'm going to hit hard, today. If I am way off base, I can easily be corrected.
I decided that I will be very blunt, so bare with me. Since you are not close to me,
I feel reasonably safe saying what I am going to say...Here goes...hang on...

This is how I see your situation...it is only MY opinion...

You are in life review, and so is your wife.

She is bored with her life. I would bet that she is looking back and seeing all of the things that she missed and you, too. Somehow, somewhere, your dreams were put aside. The adventurous past life is probably tugging on you both. Your marriage is in serious trouble right now, and you both are realizing that major changes need to be made.

What is it that drew you to your wife and compelled you to choose her? That person is still there.


Margaritaville....Wastin' away again in Margaritaville....

Do you know that sometimes when I am on the free-way, I have this irresistible urge to just keep on driving? LOL! Is that how you are feeling?



Don't bail, just yet. Divorce brings all sorts of problems. Your family times will never be the same. I think that you have a good chance at saving your marriage at this point.


Now that I have said that, I would say that somewhere along the line, in your wife's eyes you became "not worth chasing." It sounds like you are unappreciated and not respected. She married the unpredictable, charming prince. He has now become very predictable and boring. Is this because you stopped pursing your dreams and put aside fun activities?

(Of course, as a husband and father, this was necessary; however, my point is that she fell in love with when you were untamed and wild.)



Now why would I say such things to you? It is because I want you to remember. When you first met your wife, you were fun, exciting, daring, and more. You were a challenge. To catch and keep you, she had to be the same. There is a mysterious, invisible pull between a man and woman. I think of it as the "Battle of the Sexes." No matter how civilization tries to pretend that it does not exist, it rages on with full force, with all of its undercurrents which are latent...deeply hidden within. This is what you must restore.

She knows you. She knows you like a well worn book. She knows just how to punch your buttons. She knows how you will react in every situation. She even knows what you will say before you say it. Why, I would venture to say that she has even "trained" you as one would a puppy. (We women are bad! LOL!) The man that you were (are) has been sugar-coated with a nice veneer. (and you probably needed it! LOL! This wonderful woman probably saved your life by taming you. LOL!)

If I could be so bold to make a suggestion...I would suggest that you strip the veneer off. When you first met, you did not open your heart and let her know how you were feeling. Stop doing the things that you have been doing. Do not let her know your thoughts. Change your actions towards her.
Let her see the "real" you once again. Let her chase you for a while. You are not getting good results by whatever you are doing now. Still be loving, but aloof. If she is going somewhere, tell her that's great because this will give you time to ___________? Then get up and go do something. Anything. Go sit on a bench in a park and read if you have to...

By changing your actions, she will realize that she just might lose you. This will force her to evaluate your marriage.


Start doing some of the things that you would really like to do...some with her and some without her. (not wrong things, either! LOL! At your age, too many Margaritaville experiences will cause acid reflux. LOL!) You do not have to do everything together. If she is jealous, then she will have to deal with that. If she starts accusing you of ???????, react in a different way. Personally, I am always happy when my hubby gets to do something fun. There is no reason that your life has to be dull. I am not suggesting that you should revert to single-type life, but rather have something in your life that brings you pleasure.

If she is still in love...(I hate that phrase...because love is not really an emotion, but an action.) or interested, she will be drawn toward you. If not, then it will become clear. Perhaps she just needs some space to figure out what she wants to do. Peri is horrible. It causes many to shut down for a while. Perhaps with a bit more time, she will come around.

Yes....If I were you, I would try changing. It will either draw her to you or perhaps not. Either way, you will not be in limbo.

At your age, you should be enjoying life. The dreams that were put on a shelf should be taken down and examined.

Just my thoughts...and as always, I am on the run again....
Shebee

P.S. As for typos, spelling, and punctuation, I try not worry about it.

I can tell you why your wife can be civil to others and such a basket case to you and your kids in three words.


YOU ARE SAFE.

Same reason I did it. My husband was safe. He was the only one I could shred, eat and spit out who I FELT would be there no matter what. He became (sadly to say) my personal punching bag. I felt "bad" but I didn't care. I had to rage. I had to get it out and until I learned other methods of releasing and dealing with that rage I would continually slap bullseyes on his forhead and off we went. In the end I realized how much I was hurting the man I loved. I took responsibilites for my actions and I quit.

NOBODY deserves to be abused by anybody much less the people who love them.

See? Here's the key. Some people (girls you know what I mean and some guys are doing this too) use menopause as a "copout". It becomes their excuse for most if not all their bad behaviors. Do I have anger? Heck yeah! BUT I also have the ability to control WHAT COMES OUT OF MY MOUTH! Talking is a CHOICE and so are the words that you chose to say. They can be loving or harsh. THAT choice belongs to the person saying the words.

"oh Im such a bitch because I'm in meno" BULL.

Menopause HEIGHTENS our perceptions and can even distort them for a while but HOW we behave is truely up to us.

If your wife CHOSES to be civil with others she can CHOOSE to be civil with you.

Now the not so cool part...

If you ALLOW her to treat you this way...why should she stop?

There were a number of issues when my wife was growing up. I think this is part of the problem that she is reliving this past and becoing defiant in a teenage manner. She claims I am her parent, so she has tansfered her early years to me in trying to resolve those issues and this has made the whole experience much more complex and her more unreasonable. Funny thing is she claims I'm too leniant with our kids. My kids are both responsible and I rarely need to get heavy handed with them. Compared to me in my youth, they are Saints.

GG-I think our experiences are very similar. I have been very introspective on this issue over the last several months. I agree with one of the posts that at my age, I should be enjoying life. I feel like a chambered load that about to discharge a MLC of my own. I hold it back for obvious reasons because both parents in this type of turmoil would be a disaster to the kids.

Shebee,

I enjoy your posts and you provide a lot of good info. I relayed in a prior post that my wife had a turbulent past and seems to be reliving the period of a rebellious teenager. She transferred this upbringing to me by saying I have become her parent. The odd thing is if I do something out of the norm, she becomes irritated as if I've taken away part of her stability. I took an ad hoc trip a few months ago and she raised hell.

When we were first married, we would take a spur of the moment trip at least once a month until the kids became a pain while traveling. I see a consensus building and I agree that some time away and a little more unpredictability may be needed to bring her back. i have recommended a number of trips w/o kids, but she doesn't want to travel.

"Do you know that sometimes when I am on the free-way, I have this irresistible urge to just keep on driving? LOL! Is that how you are feeling?"

I live in the land of freeways and have driven past my exit and just kept going, but eventually turned around.

Ditto. And yes, it is trying to be at this point, ready for that 'second life' so to speak, and it feels like you are anchored down as you must spend your time "being patient" . I just reflect on my wife and think that this is also what has been and continues to go through her head as she tries to sort out her own life while dealing with the symptoms of menopause i.e. her second life and what she will take along with it.

Apparently it is very common to see a wife's perimenopause and/or mlc kick off a husband's mlc as well. With the emotional rollercoaster I was on, I think I ended up in one this summer, and am on the tail end of it... however at times I still try to figure out what I will be when I grow up. Visualizing a life without my wife is particularly difficult. Part of me would just want to escape completely from this town and leave all behind to start over fresh in a new place, new job, new life... and rebuild from the ground up. I still have work to do on myself... But much like you, I also see that stability is needed for the family, and although I am doing some things for me, mostly I am trying to stay grounded for the family to survive.

I moved from a part of the US several years ago and have slowly contacted old friends from that area and also have some familiy there. I visited last summer with my older son. He said it was the best vacation he's had in years. It might be too easy that I do have a place to go and invitations of places to start over under my current circumstances.