I don't know if this is real rage/anger/disappoint I feel...or if I should chalk it up to more to menopause. Let me first say that I'm 55, haven't had a period in 4 months, have been diagnosed as absolutely perimenopausal, and have all the symptoms;) But today SHOULD have been a good day..something I look forward to all year, and I feel so utterly let down, I needed to vent here. Don't know if anyone will understand...but I just need to vent.
Every year, my husband and I go to a recreational vehicle show. Always look forward to it. We always end the day with a tradition we started years ago...dinner afterwards at a fun spaghetti restaurant where we sit and talk about all the motorhomes we walked thru that day. We've been doing this for probably 10-15 years. One year we bought an RV there, most years we just look. This past winter we bought a motorhome (not at the show, from a private party) and have been enjoying it. Not as much as I would have thought we would, considering my husband retired 2 years ago..but we were doing a big remodel the last 2 years, had our first grandchild, and just lots of other "stuff" took the place of our hitting the road for weeks at a time. (we've had motorhomes and trailers before, have traveled lots).
So.....fast forward to now. We got (what we considered) a fabulous deal on the motorhome we purchased last winter. It was a steal. I should be grateful for it, and I AM. I do love it. But it IS seven years old,and in the RV world, things age much quicker. And also since we DID get it at such a great price (its worth almost twice what we paid for it), we considered it to be of great resale value,and so we didn't intend on holding on to it forever. Plus its a gas model..and we'd really prefer diesel (for anyone who knows the RV world out there..you'll understand! )
So..there's the background. We went to the show today. Even though RV's have come down in price because of the economy, obviously they're still pretty pricey. I didn't expect to "buy"...but it was very tempting. Ok...long story short...I feel my husband led me to believe that we COULD absolutely afford a new motorhome, trading in the old one. He was so busy collecting brochures, jotting own prices (which I knew were WAY over our limit). I started to think "maybe we COULD make this work..keep our old payments, but have something newer to show for it", etc. We ALWAYS have a good time at this show, even if we're "just looking"! But he spoiled it. At the very end of the show, after we went back to look at a few models we like..and which I believe we COULD afford, he completely blew me away by saying that we couldn't, and he NEVER intended to. Ok...I was ok with that...but then this whole day suddenly became like a BIG JOKE....what a waste of time I thought. It suddenly wasn't fun anymore. I felt like I was brought there under false pretenses. Not to mention the 2 bad blisters that erupted on my toes, from all the walking! But the worse part was when we got to our favorite restaurant, I was in tears. He had just told me that we probably couldn't even afford to travel very far in the motorhome we DO have. (He meant loooooooong distances). I was under the assumption that we COULD and that we were planning to, down the line. What are we paying $150/month to have this thing in storage for, if he's not planning on using it? The thing that gets me is that this WHOLE TIME, he led me to think that this was all do-able. But it wasn't, and I'm ok with that part. But when he announced that traveling long distances (because of price of gas right now) in the one we DO have probably wasn't going to happen...and then he wanted to go in and eat DINNER?? I was in tears. I was just feeling so damn sorry for myself, mad at him, mad at my sore feet and toes, angry that I wasted the day and the 165 mile round trip to get there. Angry that he so nonchalantly announces all this..after leading me to believe we would be taking some great trips now that he's retired, etc. And it seems to not bother him at all. Not one word like "Gee I'm sorry hon...I know you so looked forward to this..wish I could change things", etc. That's ALL I NEEDED AND WANTED. Just some nice words. Instead I got coldness. I think that's what's bothering me the most...NOT the material stuff. I can deal with that. Its his attitude.
I'm not unaware of our finances, our bills, or anything like that. I still believe we can do what we talked about..we've always been able to do it before. But then he goes and spends $700 on daughter's birthday gift (TV), and we "can't afford anything"?? And then also today he wanted to buy a satellite dish for the RV that we apparently CAN'T AFFORD TO USE???? I just don't get it. I'm angry, confused, resentful, and feel very upset about the whole thing.
I probably sound like a spoiled child, but I'm not. I just feel that this man CANNOT communicate, has real issues with it. So this is what has me raging mad, and upset. OR IS THIS MENOPAUSE?? At least the horrible hot flashes went away for a good part of the day. But as soon as the stress starts..they re-emerge........grrrrrrrrrrr.........thanks for listening to this stupid story!

HI, i am a 48 year old married, perimenopausal california gal. I have a really nice husband but sometimes that testosterone thing is just plain confusing. Alot of times it seems that men are speaking a different language or are from another planet, can't shoot em, can't strangle em, I have gotten mad at my husband usually from a misunderstanding in the communication department, he seems to go on just fine (except for his ulcer, migrains and joint problems), while I am the one who stays upset a few days. I've decided that it's time to not do this. Everyday I remember something nice he did for me that day, and you know what, he's always the one that does more for me. Try to remember your a separate individual and you will never fully understand the way men operate. Have a glass of wine and maybe even a valium and just do something. I think this is how the change has affected the way I think, i know that my days on earth are limited. Remember "men are from mars" Trista5

Indeed they are, Trista, indeed they are!!! (shaking my head in wonder!)

Loracear06, I think that your feelings are appropriate to the incident but I wonder if perhaps your reactions are worse due to peri? I know that my husband has done the same sort of thing to me many times and I am always disappointed and annoyed. I also know that if he did something like this to me right now (I'm 55 and still in peri) I'd probably rip his head from his body and feed it to the wild cats behind the restaurant! It's just the way I react to stuff these days and it's becoming a real problem but that's for another thread. Anyway, I think it's unfair that your husband "led you on" like that knowing all the while that he had no intention of doing what you thought was going to happen. Communication is SO important and men just don't do it very well at all. They assume that you can read their minds given the few words they DO speak. All I can say is that perhaps you and your husband could sit down with a glass of wine and talk about this calmly. Ask him why you can't afford what you've been planning for years and ask him to explain to you why this wasn't discussed BEFORE you went to the RV show with such great expectations. A lot of anger and disappointment could have been avoided if he'd just been up front with you on HIS thoughts. Perhaps he's decided he doesn't share the same dreams of RVing anymore. I think you two need to talk. (but between you and me I'd be feeling like you right now too!
xoxo
Jan

How did he "lead" you to believe you could afford another one? Did he actually SAY something? I might be missing something but gathering brochures and jotting down prices does not mean much. Could you just have assumed since he was doing this you COULD afford it and he was truely looking? If so....he didn't do anything wrong. Meno can blow emotions and feelings way up. I will not say out of proportion because they still matter but they can "inflate" them bigger than they should be. This is a hard time for you and for your husband. Please make sure he DID something wrong. For what it's worth, we bought a motor home three years ago. 31 footer. Nice. We have YET to take it anywhere! Shoulda bought a boat!

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))
I'm sorry you are having troubles dealing with your feelings right now. I believe they are normal though for this time in our life. Husbands can be insensitive at the worse times can't they!? Your husband shouldn't have led you along like that if he had no intentions of following through with any of it. He should have discussed this with you on your drive there, it seemed long enough and that would have been something good to have just talked about.
I noticed you said you are not aware of your finances or bills. I couldn't live that way, but that's just me. We both know where we stand when it comes to affording to get or do something. And if either of us feel out of the loop for a while we always do a catch up. There are all kinds of reasons that you 'both' should know what your financial situation is, what if something were to happen to him. Sorry, I got off subject here, but that concerned me for you.

You are sensitive at this time in your life, we all are...and for some reason the men in our life do not seem to get it when it comes to our emotions. No, you are not acting like a spoiled child. There seems to be a communication problem that you are dealing with and you recognize it, while your hubby seems to think nothing is wrong. MEN!!!

Feel better knowing that... first its Ok to be sensitive and need hugs and reassurance at times when you are hurt; and second, if he doesn't get what you needed at that time, tell him now. Tell him he hurt your feelings for his future reference so maybe if there's a next time he will know that he hurt your feelings and that if nothing else he needs to realize that and help you get past it.

Sending hugs your way...
...and yes, MEN ARE FROM MARS

jes

I have a similar story .. only not an RV but a cabin in the mountains. We took our 2 sons and 3 of their friends ,, he even went out driving in the morning and looked at cabins for sale ,, he got so into it we stopped by the real estate office and looked .. the realator asked if I wanted to come back after lunch and my husband told me to go ahead ,, needless to say I spent 1/2 the day looking at cabins and picked out 2 I really liked for him to see the next day along with 2 others we didnt have time to get to. He talked about financing and how we could do it etc. This is something I grew up with ,, my folks had a cabin that burnt down in so-cal wild fires about 8 years ago. I was so unbelievably excited .. then WHAM .. after we got home .. "I dont really want to do that right now ,, lets wait till blah blah blah " is all I heard .. I was devistated,, knowing my love of the mountains I feel like my heart had been ripped out. I am still stinging from the whole experience and now feel betrayed. Its something I have drempt about for 20 years .. even designed my own cabin .. I was thinking about just going and signing papers without him I was so mad.. so I can totally relate. And yes I feel like a spoiled child .. but i have been working for 36 years .. you'd think I should be able to realize my dream by now..

all I can say about relationships is that I have been unable to have one since
I started all this funny business almost 13yrs ago.Much to my dismay I
absolutely cannot for the most part stand men...
just the thought of some man putting a finger on me makes my skin crawl
nice yeh! I certainly was not like this before in my previous life(premenopausal)
I sincerely believe that had I been married when all of this started I would
now be a divorced women...
I just wish all of this would magically disappear and I could
feel like a person again instead of this symptomatic blob that I have become.
The loneliness is crushing...
I guess my point is to say...count yourself lucky you still have somebody to nag at ...lol

be well

All of you gals are absolutely wonderful...because you all said exactly what I was HOPING you'd say! LOL! After re-reading my post, I was afraid I'd come off sounding like a spoiled little girl. I'm thankful you were all there with words of comfort, and enlightenment.
It SOOO helps! Yes...Men ARE from Mars! They definitely have a warped way of communicating sometimes!

Didgens...I can so relate to your story with your dream of a cabin!!! Wow. I would feel the same way as you. Sometimes I wish I wasn't connected to a man at all. I'd HAVE my cabin in the mountains, and anything else I wanted to get too. I'd be able to make decisions on my own and act on them when *I* wanted to act on them. Sometimes I feel like a little girl who is back living with her father. Having to "ask permission" in a sense. Yes, we always discuss things, always pretty much come to a mutual decision. I am very lucky that I have the husband I do have. But that aside...there are times when I just wish it was "me" and I didn't have anyone else to account to. There...does THAT sound horrible or what!
And definitely YES...This peri stuff makes me overreact to everything! I'm SURE my feelings were magnified yesterday by my hormones. I am speaking very little to him today. (still adjusting to having him around the house after retirement, as it is!). I feel the need to hole up in my shell, go to my sewing room, and play with my quilting,etc. Its good therapy. I also feel like my period might start. My hot flashes have lessened in frequency the past few days I think. I also felt a tinge of cramping last night. So here I go..after 4 months of nothing...bring it on;) Yesterday felt like bad PMS. At least HE didn't bring up the *P* word or I would have ripped his head off! LOL

Also..Jes80....maybe you misread what I wrote..I'm sorry, the way I worded it was misleading. I said I was NOT UNAWARE of our finances...meaning I'm completely aware of them, and where we stand. OOPS! When I re-read what I said, it wasn't the right wording. I still need to be MORE aware though...he does the bills now (I did them for years), and at times I AM unaware of what's owed, what's been paid, etc. YES...we need to know these things, absolutely!!!

I'm still confused as to why he was jotting down prices on brochures of things that were totally out of our range. Maybe that's his way of "dreaming". Oh well.....I need to let this go....yes, wine and a valium would be nice! Instead I chose an Advil PM and slept like a baby!
Thank you all for being here for me.....I really didn't think anyone would respond to my crazy post;;)

I'm glad you feel better. however, I would have voted for a new purse or pair of shoes.

Lora, you had a tradition and all of the happy feelings that went with it. Your husband caused you quite a bit of disappointment; what's the point of looking if you can't afford it? I can understand totally what you went through. Is there maybe something else you could do before your traditional meal? I know you probably don't want to do anything if you can't go to the RV shows. I'd think the same thing you did if he was jotting down prices. But if we cannot even afford it, I would not want to go.

Maybe a similar situation--we have three young dogs now and it's enough. We are just getting our youngest pup house trained and after going through the training with two other dogs, I'm done. Our kitchen floor needs to be washed just about once a week because of footprints and we're spending quite a bit on dog food, treats, the vet, etc. We love the dogs, but they are a lot of work and commitment so that they are cared for properly and have a good home. My husband keeps wanting to go and look at puppies. I have a soft heart and can't bear to find a puppy that I connect with and then leave him there for someone else. I start worrying that if we don't take the puppy home, he will go to a cruel or negligent person. It's just torture and I don't even want to meet the puppy to begin with. There is no point to looking at puppies! So I have to tell my husband NO, we can't afford another one and I will not even go there and look.

I guess my feelings on this issue are just the opposite of everyone else's! My DH and I are more into simple living and trying to do without the material things in life. I suppose the motor home, or cabin in the mountains, etc. would be nice. But all I can think of when I hear about people buying them are the monthly payments being made for something that might be used once a year if one's lucky, the taxes, the cost of gasoline, insurance, having someone watch it while you're not around, etc. I don't think its worth the hassle and the worries just to "have" something like that. I know so many people who have these items, yet they don't seem to be any happier and don't really use them to the extent necessary to get their money's worth out of them. Why own something if it just sits there unused? Or if its taking money away from more important things? Instead, rent a travel home when you want to take a trip. Rent a cabin in the mountains for a couple of weeks during the summer. I'm probably making people mad here, but life is more than owning stuff. Its living to the fullest in the simplest ways. More relationships are torn apart because of "things" than you imagine.

Virtualhorizon,
I do understand your take on this...really! And I agree with you too, somewhat. But we like the freedom of being able to take off whenever we want, at a moments notice, hence that's why we have a motorhome. Plus its "ours"...there's a good feeling that comes from knowing that. We have traveled extensively, sleeping in hotels. There is still nothing like one's own bed. We love our motorhome, and use it more than a lot of people use theirs. The monthly payment, taxes, insurance...are worth it. Because its something we enjoy. So many people put off buying things for "when we're older", "when we retire" (we're retired), etc. And guess what...they never get a chance to have what they want, whether it be that RV or the cabin. I say do it now, life's too short. As for worrying about the cost of gasoline....just don't go too far from home! We have calculated that driving around in our motorhome, even with the exhorbitant cost of gas, is still cheaper than staying in motels, flying, and eating in restaurants. Just all depends on what you prefer. To us..this IS "simple". Much more simple than the hassle of flying, schedules, renting, getting a "good deal", living on restaurant food, etc. We throw our belongings and pets in the RV and off we go. SIMPLE.
My original post that started this thread came off sounding as if I was very materialistic. I'm sorry for that..I think I was having a very menopausal day! I'm better now..I love our motorhome...we're looking forward to taking it out in a couple of weeks. It was fun looking at new models, but we'll stick with ours in the meantime!

How do you all feel about backyard swimming pools? I'd never want to have one, but perhaps there's nothing like your own pool whenever you feel like a swim, night or day, and it's always close; no packing up swimming suits and driving in the car. But what I've wondered about is the maintenance, and then where we live it's too cold in fall, winter, and early spring, so the pool sits there unused, taking up the backyard. We have a couple of neighbors who have large backyard pools and no back yard. I've looked out there in the dead of winter and have thought it's a waste of space. If I wish to go swimming, I'd just go to the town swimming pool. Any thoughts?

We had a pool when I was a kid and the maintainence chore was the killer for my mother. My dad stuck her with it too. Sure it's fun to go for a swim just outside your door, but then you have to clean it first of all the detritus that gets in the water during down time like leaves, bugs, worms etc. unless you don't mind swimming in it. One time we had a dead possum on the bottom that my mom forced my dad to remove and dispose off. EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW! It's also expensive to build and keep up with equipment failures, cracks and leaks, chemicals, etc. I don't recommend it.