where do i start, from the begging or right at this very moment.............(where is the spell check), i'm tired and need to vent, as we all do in our own way.
i love the post's which are funny, gotta love that stuff.
i'm sitting here, my hubby up in bed for his next day at work, and have so much **** on my back..........and i may be the first problem.
i am becoming my own enemy, damn it!
my truly beloved father died, (finally), i'll explain...........he walked into the e.r. with me, talking about cars and stuff, his arm went limp, he had parkinsons. i figured, it was a "spell"............later, within a 1/2 hour..........he stroked out........they could not give him the life saving anti-stroke med cause his BP was out of sight............it was a winter night with a horrendous ice storm...........so, he actually walked in the e.r, then he really (him and myself) fought for his digity, his everything that given night took him and myself into a nightmare.............yes, nothing worked right after that. he was always the winner in the family............he forgot about his own health and i am not guilty, i thought it was the parkinsons that made his left hand go down.......next thing i found out his left had and left side of body completely never came back at all. the guy that was so super sweet and i had to visit a place i never , nor did he, ever want to live and die at.....a snf! i wish in my younger day, i would have a course in high school of aging parents......he was my mentor. i cannot forget how much i was his advocate when he was in that place...........and i also had to take care of my mum, who lives at home by herself and all changes in her life also. at that time, just 4 months ago, my dad passed away from brain cancer...........a bgm4...........the surg....high end, told my dad, well, you have anoperable tumor and don't you wanna see your family at christmas..(my dad loved the holidays)....my dad, when he had no choices said yes! to the surgery. they sold my father to the things that i had to see (c'mon, he was scared into this, i was his poa, yet when he could say yes or no, i was not allowed to intervene! he was sent off to go for the miracle surgery and came back to the snf, with 45 ******** stiches in his head, i found out later, post surgery he had to be strapped down, he was hallucinating from the morphine, and yes, when he got back to ME, he thought my mother, his wife, he told me she was being tortured in the next room and he could not help her! i did everything to tell him "dad, that is the drugs they gave you, and mum is fine and worried about you!) this is so sad...........so the ******* brain surgeons got their money off of a person that i simply adored, he went thru pure hell. he lived and i had to watch this, 5 weeks after the surgery..............
how can you justifie (sp) all of that, let alone going thru the meno........sweating, scared, alone dealing with the system and now .........is my 82 year oldmum next?????? she has chf and is doing great....she's smart, yet. i swear, anything can happen within a couple of hours..........
i'm not looking back of what i just wrote....i have to put a pretend wall up at all times, yet, my hot flashes in the night are do to anxiety! trust me on that one............so much more, i can write the vampire chronicles!
how much do we have in our closet, so to speak, that haunts us? much more, and by writing this, i just got 40 pieces of me out there,
ugly note, debby downer here, i had to take my dad's clothes at mum's house and bag them and give them to the needy......the only way i did it, was not look the clothes that i always saw him wearing so proudly

I'm so sorry you've lost your Dad. My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to have to go through his things. My siblings and I had to do it just last year. It seemed like everything he had held a memory for us. We cried, laughed, and somehow got through it together. You will too.

thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!! i was alone in this mess, thanks!

yes your daddys home now and at peace, may your sorrow be a fleeting season......peace to you

We had to watch my mom go from a happy healthy person to a vegitative state to gone, all within three months. Granted it happened 19 years ago but it doesn't matter. It stays with you. What you WILL find with time is it hurts a bit less each day until one day you will see more beautiful memories than painful ones. The pain really never goes away when you lose someone you love...it just becomes this pang you feel every now and then. Gather some pics of your dad (sadly I didn't do this with my mom!). Trust me you'll want them later. Things have a way of going fuzzy about our past, including faces so get those pics! I'm so sorry for your loss.

BIG ((HUGS)))

(((((((((((boohoo))))))))))))))))))

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my father 10 years ago this month. I miss him so much, and think of him everyday.The pain of losing him does'nt hurt as bad now. The only thing that comforted me was that I knew he would'nt have wanted to continue living in the condition that he was in.It will get better.I can think about the good things and the happy times now, instead of thinking of him as he was when he passed away.My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Rhonda P

I too lost my father not long ago and my rage is compounded by guilt and shame. My father was ashamed of my failures, which are many: Career, relationships, education, independent living (I still live with my mother).

I think my father's shame over my sexual "confusion" may have hastened his death -- I'm still in the closet. I WANT to come out, but my friends are nearly all conservative Republicans who regularly express their disdain for the LGBT community.

On top of all this...I'm fighting the seemingly endless RAGE accompanying menopause. I find myself only able to function in a chat room, or watching the TVland channel for hours a day. Since I don't feel like working, I've borrowed money from women in the chatroom and must avoid them now because I can't pay them back.

This has been going on for over 3 years now....how much longer can I expect to be so pathetic?