Hi Everyone,

I just posted a reply to Angel and decided to post again for myself. As I said, I am new here. I'm 54, have 2 grown sons and 2 grand kids. (3 and 6) I haven't had my period for 8 months, am not on any HRT, (Dr.'s won't because I smoke), and have many meno symptoms. The main one being mood swings from one second to the next. Sometimes feeling like I want to cry almost from the minute I wake up!

Anyway my current issue, which causes me much guilt and grief, is not being able to always be there when my son or daughter-in-law asks me to babysit. I usually am pretty reliable but lately have had some bad days,(and nights!) and have just said that "I don't feel good". My son, who's 35, I'm sure does not want to hear nor would he understand about menopause. He gets irritated or annoyed when I back out or decline a babysitting request. I don't know what to do or what or how much to say.

I love being with my grand kids but when I'm not feeling well or am very irritable, it's not good for them, either.

I welcome all feedback and suggestions.

Thanks for listening.

Cheryl

Perhaps if you are close to your DIL you could talk to her about it and tell her that you aren't sure how comfortable your son would be listening to this about his mother but you needed to explain why you have backed out of babysitting and that you hope she will be able to understand and explain it to your son. Explain to her you adore your grandkids and aren't backing out because of anything other than your up and down hormonal symptoms due to menopause. Tell her you don't want to be around the kids when you aren't feeling your best. Hopefully, she and your son will understand and go easy on you. Good luck and I hope you feel better. Mich

Thanks, Mich, I appreciate your feedback. I'm sort of close to my DIL so I think I will talk to her. Part of my problem is that I take everything personally. For example, I was going to get up early and take the kids to school because my DIL has to be to work early. Just now I received a text from my son saying that I don't need to as she is calling in sick tomorrow! Immediately I think that they are mad because I backed out of watching the kids tonight so they could go watch the football game.
AHHHHH!! I'm driving myself crazy. I guess I really need to have that talk.

Cheryl

I understand how you feel. I have always wanted a daughter, I have to wonderful sons, but never had a little girl. I have a one year old niece who is the cutest little bug ever and prior to going through all this I was gonna be the favorite Auntie of all time. Do you know that I just don't have it in me right now. I feel terrible. They don't live right around the corner where I can just drop in when my mood suddenly shifts. It's only 20-30 mins away but it feels like an hour and half when I'm not in the right place emotionally. I did explain it to my sister and she has been sweet (she is 18 years younger than me and I think I have scared her about peri/meno, lol, I told her everyone is different, I'm not sure if she believes me, lol) about it though she says she misses me and she wants my niece to know me. The rest of my family is so involved with her and I miss that. I just can't make myself do more than I can do. I just can't believe how I'm not spoiling her rotten. Though my Dad just posted videos of her dancing and she is so cute, I may get my butt out and go see her this weekend. I doubt your kids are punishing you, you are just feeling guilty. You have to take care of yourself right now, I know it feels selfish, believe me I know, but, just communicate and let go of guilt. It will serve no purpose except to make you carry a toxic emotion in your body and you don't need to add anymore crappy feelings to the pile. Good luck with your talk, let us know how it went. Mich

arrghhh!!! TWO wonderful sons.....lol

What makes you the designated babysitter? Just because your grandma? If you do not feel up to watching your grandchild, telling them no should suffice. They can hire a sitter if they need one. We are all going through this and I would be honest with them. My boys are 19 and 21 and know all I deal with in my life. Why hide something so incredibly normal? Whether you are in meno or not, you have the right to say no to babysitting. I'm sorry but those are THEIR children. You've done your job in raising your OWN!!! You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. I see it this way.

I have raised my own children.

They are now adults.

The responsibilities they have (forced or chosen) are THEIR responsibilities.

Everything I do as a grandma is by CHOICE.

The only "job" or "responsibility" you have as a grandma is to love love love those babies!

The people having the babies are the ones who should RAISE the babies!!!

See??? You have NOTHING to feel guilty about because saying no is not WRONG. It's your PEROGATIVE!!! To tell you the truth...you don't even need to give them a reason!

Don't feel guilty cheryl...your son and DIL will get over it.Maybe you should talk to your son about it,it may be uncomfortable for him to listen to,but i bet he'll understand.

I've said it before and I'll say it again and again and again...EDUCATION IS THE KEY!!! Educate your children on menopause and they will begin to understand how you feel. This is nothing to be ashamed of or have the need to hide. It's just a phase of life we all have to go through! Gather some info and give it to the kids to read over. It's a start and reading something verse face to face communication can be a bit easier on the uncomfortable party. If in doubt SHOW THEM THIS WEBSITE!!!!

Since your daughter in law had the babies (ie grandchildren) she no doubt experienced the mood swing ups and downs that come with hormone fluctuation. talk to her .. tell her that meno is like being pregnant 10 fold. she will understand that some days its just a struggle for you to get out of bed. open communication is the key.

I totally agree with ladybugs. Education is the key. But, keep it simple and I'd just say that the hormonal "fluxes" are having a huge impact upon how you feel. You'd love to have the grandchildren but find that your body/moods etc make it a struggle just to get through the day, etc. And, tell them how bad you feel not being able to help with the children. Trust me, they will understand. I

've have many discussions with my 2 adult children (ages 24 and 26). They don't live with me but they've seen me struggle in the past few years. Now, with b/hrt, I'm doing wonderfully and they are very happy for me. Sometimes its ok to not be the parent/grandparent for awhile while you take care of your own needs. But, please talk to your son too. (my 24 yo is my son). He started getting a huge lesson on Peri/meno at the age of 21. I truly believe what he now knows will have a huge impact (positive one) with a wife in the future. Good luck with everything. JZZ

My 16 year old son is getting a lesson in meno,, it never hurts for them to learn about what affects the human body be it male or female.

(((Cheryl)))) I soooo sympathize!! I would tell them. They'll probably breathe a sigh of relief knowing it isn't them or the kids.

I have Grandma guilt too. Mine are 9 & 6 and before peri started I saw them all of the time. My daughter had them very young and was still wrapped up in herself and never took the kids anywhere. So I did. I've taken my grandaughter to the American girl store, and build a bear. I've taken them both to disney on ice every year, amusement parks, movies and more.

I'm just not up to that anymore. I've seen them 3 times since June. The guilt is killing me. Like you said if you have them when your not feeling well its not even fun for them and mine are a handful. My grandaughter needs attention every minute. She's the sweetest girl but its hard to give her what she needs when I'm dizzy and shaking etc. and my grandson has a form of autisim so thats a challenge in its self. I miss them though and I know they miss doing all of those things with me.

I hope I'm done with this soon and can see them the way I used to.
I guess we just have to know that were doing all we can and we'll do more when we can.

you know whats bad? i didnt even notice the mistake til you pointed it out.....lol

Thank you all SO MUCH for your wonderful words and advice. All of it was so helpful. I guess my best bet is to talk to my DIL because as a woman she will understand about hormones,(thanks, didgens). And I think my son needs to hear a condensed version, (it's hard enough getting 5 minutes of his attention), whether it makes him uncomfortable or not.

And you're right, ladybugs, I don't have any reason to feel guilty. I'm the grandma and I suppose that gives me some special
privileges. I'm sorry, Lara, that you are going thru the same thing. It's tough when our hearts are willing but our bodies are not. If we can't always be there in person, we can mail cards, etc. and KNOW that we would be there if we could. It doesn't make us bad or selfish people.

You know, being with my grand daughter and grand son is usually the best feeling in the world. They can lift me out of my depression better than anything or anyone. But they are a handful when they spend the night and the little one seems a little hyperactive. And my son and DIL know that so they've got to understand that sometimes I'm just not up to it. And they know how much I adore those kids.

Thanks again, everyone. (you made me cry, damn these hormones!)

Cheryl

Don't feel guilty-----it's not your fault. I agree with some of the other ladies who have posted. Talk to your dil and she will explain to your son.

I get those guilts sometimes myself. I have 6 beautiful little grandchildren. 4 of them don't live nearby so babysitting isn't an issue, but I try and get my hands on the other 2 every chance I get (lol). There are times when I am just too busy or tired or have other plans and my son and dil understand. But sometimes I still feel bad about it. I know I shouldn't.

I'll never forget how wonderful it was when my mom would watch my own kids just to give me a break or some alone time with my husband. I will forever be grateful for that. I've got some friends who have the attitude that they've raised their own and it's not their job to babysit the grandkids. I'll never understand that attitude. I don't consider babysitting my grandchildren a job. I love every minute I get to spend with them and take them to fun places----places that I would look wierd going to if I didn't have little ones with me. It's a joy I can't explain and it keeps me young. My own children have given and still give me many, many reasons to want to give back to them.

So I guess what I'm saying is help when you are able and if you can't try not to feel guilty. I'm sure if you talk to your dil she will understand and that would be better than having them think you just don't want to.

Have a great Sunday.
Donna

Hi Donna,

Your timing is impeccable, you must be psychic! Today was not a good day. Since my last post I guess I was waiting for the right time to talk to my DIL or I completely forgot which due to my meno symptoms, could be the case.

Well, I waited too long because today my heart was broken. When I brought the kids home after spending the night with me, (which I requested), I was basically verbally attacked by my DIL and son. Here's what happened: Mon. nite my DIL texted me asking if I could take the kids to school Tues. am as her sister canceled. I replied, no problem. She also asked if I could be with them that evening so they could go watch football. Initially, I said sure but several hours later I was feeling so lousy I texted her that I would have to pass on the evening but would still take them to school the following day. (Sorry this is so long) And I did. I also pick up my grand daughter (6) from school every Wed. Well, the kids were horrible; wouldn't listen, etc., they were just wild and I let my son know. I asked him last night what they were going to do about Hayley on Mon. as it's a holiday. He said,"Oh, I forgot, I don't know." SO, I offered to watch her.

Anyway, when I took the kids home I mentioned since I was exhausted because I was worn out from their bad behavior, I suggested they make other arrangements for tomorrow. Well, they let me have it! My DIL said, "Do you know how frustrating it is when someone says that they are going to do something and then they ALWAYS back out?" Truly, I had no idea that she was referring to me! I thought she was talking about her sister! So, I said who are you talking about? When she gave me a look, I said incredulously, "Me?" I was shocked. She went on to say, "You know we don't have anybody else."

I was speechless and truly did not know what to say. My son started in saying how I NEVER feel good and I'm ALWAYS tired and he could understand if I were working. I said you know why that is? It's because I don't feel good and am tired SOME of the time BECAUSE I'M GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE IN CASE YOU CARED OR EVEN NOTICED!

I was so angry that I said, "I'm not having this conversation", and left. I cried all the way home. I thought to myself, are they right? NO! Why am I the only one to help them with the kids? They have not arranged any other options? That's their
fault, not mine. Then I just became very sad. Had I raised such a self-centered, dispassionate man? WOW, it was an eye opener.

Well, I know what I'll be talking about in therapy this week! Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

Sad Grandma Cheryl

Oh Cheryl -- I'm so sorry you had that experience. I think your son and wife were just all stressed out taking care of the kids and didn't mean what they said. Not that it's any excuse, of course. Maybe they will realize and have a calmer discussion with you later on. It is not your responsibility at all to be their babysitter. For your daughter in law to have said they have "no one else" is ridiculous; it is THEIR responsibility as parents to have a backup plan. They need to have someone on call. Maybe your DIL will come to her senses and realize that she and your son need to face up to their adult responsibilities and figure out how to arrange childcare. Just tell them to "grow up." Hope you feel better as the evening progresses, Cheryl. People say things in haste, and hopefully cooler minds will prevail once some time has been allowed to pass. It's unfortunate that the blow up happened, but maybe it will be the catalyst for a realistic discussion about this childcare issue that has been festering for some time.

Oh Cheryl,

I am so sorry about what happened. It's inexcusable! It sounds as though you make every effort to be available and help out when needed and that's the thanks you get. I'm sure your dil panicked and didn't know what she was going to do because now she's thinking both of her back ups have cancelled----HOWEVER----she should never have attacked you like that. And to think your son would stand by, let it happen and then proceed to berate you too.

Don't blame yourself for anything. You're a good grandmother and I'm sure you're a good mother too. Your son's behavior shouldn't be a reflection on you. He's a grown man with a family and should know better.

God bless you---I hope things work out.

Donna
I certainly hope, for your sake, that after they realize how they treated you, they will apologize for their behavior.

Thanks, ladies. Your words comfort me. I'm sure I'll have a good cry and then I will feel better. I just got off the phone with my sister who lives in AZ and that helped too.

My son and I haven't had a very good relationship since he was about 9 yrs old. (he's 35 now) His father and I divorced at that time. When my son was around 12 he went to live with his Dad. (who, btw lives 3 hrs away and only sees the grandkids about every 4 or 5 months.) In fact, I just recently told my son that if it weren't for the kids I would move to AZ to be closer to my sister and my niece where the pace is much calmer and slower than L.A.

So maybe you're right, witsend, this incident may be what it takes to sit down and have a discussion. But, it won't be right away! I need a few days to regroup.

But, my son has never really taken the time to understand anything about my life. I've struggled with anxiety, (panic disorder) depression and alcohol abuse for the last 30 years. (I've been sober 20 out of the 30 yrs) I think that he has some unresolved anger towards me which would be understandable but we never talk about it. I don't know if he's even aware of that but I think there's a connection. I also have had sleep apnea for the last 10 years so I haven't had a good night's sleep in years.

Sorry for all the history, I know this is a menopause board. I just thought some background info might help.

Thanks again, Ladies

My dear Friend
It is both rewarding and very exhausting being a Grandma and it sounds like you have been as loving and giving as possible.
You have struggled a lot for many years and that in itself is draining both mentally and physically.
I have three grand-children and like you,love them dearly,but I simply do not have the energy and patience to have them with me for long periods of time..
I think you are right to sit down at some time with your son and have a frank and open discussion.This will help him understand exactly where you are coming from and hopefully clear the air..
Please do not feel guilty.You are doing your best and sometimes children do forget that we are not as sprightly and energetic as we once were plus we enjoy a lot of alone 'me' time too.

So praying that all goes well when you speak to your son
God Bless
Elizabeth

Thanks, Elizabeth. You are so right. I'll be 55 in March and sometimes I think I'm in denial about getting older and not having the energy I used to have. And as the grand kids get older they tend to wear me out sooner.
I'm picking up my granddaughter today from school and plan to have a brief talk with my son. I'll let you know how it goes.

It's so comforting to come here and find such understanding and support.

Cheryl

Well, the talk with my son did not go well. It seems that we can't have a conversation without him becoming angry. As I said in a previous post, I think that he has been mad at me for a long time...a lot of baggage.

I'm emotionally devastated and depressed and don't have the ability to go into detail right now. So far, my experience with meno feels like you have mini breakdowns every once in awhile. I hope what I heard from Dr. Christiane Northrup is true; that breakdown turns into breakthrough. Yeah, right. Exactly when does that happen?

Thanks ladies for all your support. It does help.