Over the last couple of weeks, I've nioticed a little more positive atitude from my wife around me. I was floored this weekend when I saw positve aspects of my wife I haven't seen in months. There were times I thought things were almost normal. Still nothing physical, but a lot of references to us and a lot of smiles. I imagine at times that the hormones balance out and the personality returns. I've been praticing my version of detachment and she is seriously into Yoga. i hope it continues.

Right on! Hang in there!

Sounds like maybe a combination of things happening. There may be some stablizing of hormones at the moment (might be temporary so ....) You've been giving her space (your detachment) which I think she sorely needed. Perhaps your previous attempts at helping her just put more pressure on her which she was not equipt to handle? The yoga is terrific for mind and body so perhaps it's helping her to feel more calm physically and spiritually. From what I've read of your posts it's been a very rough ride for your wife and you but you've been very patient and loving toward her. Hang in there, perhaps you are beginning to see that little flicker of light at the end of the tunnel! I hope so for both of you!

That's great news!

From my own experience, after I changed my attitude (and a form of physical detachment), it did indeed take some time for things to improve, but eventually they did. It is important to have, and maintain, the right attitude at this stage. For me this is: caring, patient, positive, confident and independent. Make sure that your wife knows you are there for her, but don't put any pressure on her, and get on with your own thing. I know I must sound like a broken record, but this has worked for me.

It is amazing to me how much my internal attitude is sensed by others in the family without me saying a word. My home just feels like a better place since I changed my attitude. Looking back, I realise that I was very insecure, clingy and negative, all in response to a perceived withdrawal by my wife, which only made matters worse and put extra pressure on her. Once I got over this, things improved.

Remember - this is a roller coaster, and there will be good and bad days. When the bad days come, just try to remember how good the good days were, and that they will retrun again before too long. Take care of yourself and enjoy life!

Best wishes,

B

Thanks GoalieGuy-I hope you see some improvement.

Jan677-I do feel it is a combination of things and I continue to pursue detachment. I'm starting to see how she has always been dependent on me and she is now developing her own personality. I like the idea of her being independent. I'll continue to hang back.


Bladerunner-You seem to be the senior person for the men and I appreciate your response and other posts. I know exactly what you mean by the home life improving. My kids were thrown for a loop, but remain secure in that things are pretty normal with regard to their lifestyle.

Spoke too soon-we are cranky tonight

Well, it may be like that 2 steps forward 1 step back, but, if you finally get to the end line intact, then everyone wins. Keep the faith. Mich

I've been doing this for a while too, sometimes it seems like 1 step forward and 2 steps ( or maybe 1 ) back. Keep "BEINGPATIENT".

I am attempting that although sometimes it is tiresome!

My biggest problem seems to be the pressure thing. My wife still says she feels pressure.

The root of the problem is still this EA. And I really don't know how to navigate this. Part of me wants her to wake up and smell the coffee, and look at what she is doing. But for the most part I have been extremely PATIENT trying not to challenge her, but let her come to grips with the situation and talk to me on her own terms. She has been on the verge of doing this, but keeps putting it off. A few days ago she said last nite she would talk to me. But my 17 year old acted up, was very disrespectful towards her (yes another mood swing on her part and of course you know how a teenager will react...) So she was drained, fell asleep and now I'm still waiting for her to talk to me about it. I send her an email after she's in bed to ask when we will talk, urging her to take a step towards me, and BOOM... I'm putting pressure on her.

As ladybugsforu would tell me now, yes, I feel she's getting her cake and eating it too. I've pretty much detached. Had a bad moment yesterday, said a few mean words to the guy above, went for a drive to the edge of the river, raced through every scenario from leaving her to bailing out completely to being patient to... well everything... Found that inner strength and now back more or less ready to hit the eject button at a moments notice.

I guess the difference here with you is that you say it was a 'perceived withdrawal'... I am facing an 'actual withdrawal' with the EA. So if she wants more time to think about things, I would think that I would be right to say, sure, do what you want but... no more of this EA or I'm outta here? Reading through the 5 part section on relationships, Barbara's advice on an EA that has lasted a while... the marriage is over... I'm thinking I may have to just cut my losses and go if it is this far down the path.

I've sent that section and another on cutting off an affair to my wife to ponder. I'll either push her away, or see if she still wants to remain in this 'marriage'. I just want her to talk to me at this point and her to tell me what she is doing!

Sorry for the ramble, and thanks for the note above... trying still to not put any pressure, but given the circumstances that I'm facing (correct me if I'm wrong) I'm just trying to figure out what the course of action is!

I think the real question is this an actual EA or the way I have read your posts it could be just a good friendship. I think if it is an actual EA then the 5 part section applies, if it is not then you remain in the situation you are in now.(bad peri)

Just my 2 cents.

This is a very hard situation to deal with and I for one have not given up on many things in life. Every now and then, we need a moral boost for our own egos. I recommend a book called The Way of the Superior Man. I don't agree with all of it , but it helps to toughen up during the weak moments. The same series of thoughts have gone through my head many times. Do I press the eject button on the relationship? I can't explain why I haven't so far. There have been some painful moments, especially when this whole thing started. The EA situation you are dealing with takes it to a new level. I have a feeling my wife is searching for that ideal soul mate in her head, but hasn't found that person. The ironic thing is that I have always been the one looking for a new thing, new house, new city and my wife was the anchored one. Now she's the one searching for her new center.


I think our problem as males is we deal with the dynamic of wanting to bring this situation to a close. Our wives are going through a major thought process that isn't going to end anytime soon. It's hormonally driven and won't stop until the hormones reach a new equilibrium. All we can do is wait it out and as some of the old hands on this site say find other interests. The main thing I do is never react to what my wife says and try not to complicate her life. This seems to keep her grounded.







































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Hmmm... Here's a list:

Email exchanges morning and evening. And not just one.. but a dialog... they might as well be using MSN
Phone calls, usually in the evening
During the day, they work at the same school a few days a week. A school with about 250 students. Pretty small
My wife has a key to her house so that she can study their during the day (we live a bit out of town).
Movie nights every two weeks at her house...
Occasional walks along the waterfront or downtown...

Aside from that, there is still the matter of the email I read a while back with open words of love... I love you with xoxoxoxo. And mention of physical contact, although limited (i.e. non sexual).

I don't know too many good friendships that are this involved... just one, and I call it an EA.

I forget who mentioned it, but someone commented how this is unknown territory for all... so some slack has been given... and that has been going on for months now... Given the lack of communication, I just want her to come clean on it all, and tell me what's going on.

So, are hormonal imbalances an excuse and I should remain patient and silent? Several women have advised me that this is not the case. I know the decision is mine to take... and in the end, I only want her happiness, along with mine, and I just hope they intersect... I'm still crazy about her even though I've now detached and can deal with whatever happens.

You are in a very tough position but I still might think in your wife's mind that no sexual contact means that she is not having an EA.
As you said in the end it is up to you decide what you can put up with.

My heart goes out to you, Hang tough!

I know a women who has been going through perimenopause many years and has a very close female friend. They paint each others nails and spend considerable time together. She laughs and says her husband would think they were lesbians. She says this in front of her husband. They are both married and close to their husbands. It's a female bond that they have developed, but there is nothing sexual. During this time, they just relate to each other as females. I don't know if this helps, but maybe Peri helps them relate as females. I refer to my experience like I am dealing with a 14 year old teenager and teenage girls do become very close.

Yup... the kicker is that she has left her husband and looks like is coming out of the closet...

I still don't know if my wife will do the same...

We just had a good conversation... over an hour long... Actually a really good conversation where she opened up on a lot (although not all). She has carried a lot of bagage, including as I'm discovering, a lot of loneliness in the past several years as I became more and more overwhelmed with work and worked too many long hours. Explains a lot with this relationship she has developed... which she admitted is causing her confusion... We will have a lot of catching up to do... we both know it... although it will take time to find out if her heart will be in it or not. She is very much in the darkest days... She spoke of depression, suicidal thoughts, regrets for not speaking out sooner, for always doing stuff for others and forsaking her happiness. I suppose the highlight is that she said she is not about to throw away 20 years of marriage...

End result: She doesn't want any pressure whatsoever or attention. She is still feeling it... Once and a while I will replenish her supply of bubble bath or pour her a cup of coffee... Even that is taken as 'attention' and makes her ill at ease... Me thinks this is going to take a lot of time, and a lot of hockey games to stay out of trouble... I think I'll call the cable company and up my subscription to include NHL Center Ice.

I'll chalk this evening in the 'Good' column and hope there are more to come.

Its wonderful that you had that conversation with your wife it is a step. I suppose that when you act kindly toward your wife, by paying extra special attention to her needs it may make her feel guiltier than she already feels because she is so pulled toward this other woman and her emotions are in such flux. 20 years is a long time to be married, all the history etc.. Not only would it be hard to walk away from that but to walk away from a marriage of 20 years to explore your sexuality with a woman not knowing if you really are a lesbian or just bonding with a woman because she "get's" you during a time of such confusion. Sadly, maybe she has denied this side of herself for 20 years. Who really knows except her. Has she admitted feelings other than friendship for this other woman or has she not even addressed that yet? You are quite a guy is all I can say and as I have said before I just hope this works out in the very best way for all of you Take care, Mich

Thats good news! Something to build on.

Keep your helmet and pads on!

My wife went through a period of the "darker days" (I hope it doesn't come back) where she was very quiet and went through the same things your wife is going through like the depression. She still has moments where she withdrawals, but for much less time. She openly acknowledges being unable to sleep, headaches, weight gain, etc and attibutes it to various things. There is no benefit in me telling her these are typical Peri symtoms, so I just agree. She also talks about limiting stress. I just go with the conversations and agree, limit my opinion unless I need to make a case, which is rare. I have to keep reminding myself to keep the ego parked. I also sense an internal struggle and hear some things about her childhood (nothing serious), so part of the internal review process we read about (I'm sure I'm in there someplace). One note I also made is that it seems to benefit her by keeping her busy in things she enjoys doing, yoga, socializing with a small group of friends and her job. I try to minimize any contraints that may keep her from doing things she enjoys. As Bladerunner said, the process seems to slowly improve as I'm seeing a sense of her personality coming back and we are communicating more. BTW, I just expanded my cable coverage, but I'm more into the NFL. With regard to ice hockey, I get more out of being at the game than watching it on TV.

I think you have accurately analyzed the conflict and emotions she is dealing with.

No, she has not really admitted, however has more hinted using the words 'maybe it is love'. I think this is part of the discussion still to take place. She was meeting with her therapist today so perhaps more will come of it slowly but surely.

Thank you for your kind words michuganna... Life goes on one day at a time. I am feeling better overall though now in many ways...