Maybe I will feel better about this if I complain.....

I have a 23 yr old niece that lives about 4 states away. I've seen her about a half dozen times in my life. I have a child that is only 11. Last year this niece was here visiting with her parents (my brother). She latched on to my child and was acting over the top with her after she left...emails saying how much she missed her and loved her. They were together about 3 hrs total that whole visit.

A few months later this niece tried to get a ride to a place about 3 hrs from here and thought I would pick her up for a for days and she would stay with me. Wrong. I was not about to transport her for a total of 12 hrs to stay with me. I invented a story about how busy we were etc.

Then, this past summer she asked if she could spend her summer vacation week with us. Again on my dime,,,at my house for a place to stay, meals, transportation around the city for fun and exciting things to do all week! No, not interested in doing that for her or anyone! I invented a story about how we might go out of town at that time. She didn't talk to me for a long time after that.

Just recently she asked again if she could spend her fall break at my house. I was worn down and said if she had her own plans, money etc. she could stay. I guess she was ready to drive herself her until my brother told me what a horrible driver she is. He decided to come with her and drive her around.

I have since had another relative offer their house to stay at. My brother wants to do that. Niece only wants to stay with me. I told her she could stay 2 nights , not all 4. I don't feel good about how she wants to be so close to my young child. When I was 23 I cared more about being with people my own age. Sure, I had young cousins but they were not my idols. It sort of creeps me out.

So, I'm really MAD at myself for being talked into this mess. I don't want guests unless I invite them to stay with me because I thought of it first!

Why am I so weak?

Your spidey senses are tingling for a good reason. Get her OUT! Protect your daughter. This does NOT sound innocent and do not think for a moment that because they are same sex that your girl is safe. Something is wrong here..really wrong.

Sorry about the last post,,,,I'm learning how to work a new laptop.

Thanks for saying the truth. I hate to think that relatives have creep motives but they can and do.

My DD is over her anyway. She wants 2 friends overnight during this visit and I will let her.

The worst part is this niece thinks she might move to our state someday. I will have to be truthful with her if that topic comes up. I'm never going to let her live with us. I'm not her replacement parent unit. We're not the Waltons here and I think her fantasy is that we are.

Your more than welcome to tell me to shut up BUT here me out. If you are feeling weird about this woman being around YOUR daughter. WHY in the world would you want to place somebody elses children in this situation. More kids does not mean protection...it means more victoms!!! I would send your daughter away to stay at a friends while she is here. IF you do you will KNOW what your neices intentions are because it will drive her nuts that your daughter is not around and you will have your answer!

Good point about the other children. My brother will be with my niece here. My thought was my DD having a sleepover with others would distance herself from the niece. She will be busy with her friends. Her room is very near ours and I will hear all. Niece is assigned the room over the garage with my brother. Should I just bring my DD into my bedroom? Should I go that far? I'm serious about this question, not just being ignorant, if you know what I mean.

I"ve actually wished someone here would get the flu so I would have reason to cancel. I'd be willing to take one for the team for this too.

I'm sorry but I would not even let this woman in my house! You need NO excuse to cancel. Just say you are not up to company right now. It's YOUR job to protect your daughter to any extent needed. There is NO reason they can't get a hotel if needed and if she can't afford one, she can't afford the trip! WAY to many people look back at the situation after the damage has been done and wish they would of listened to their guts to begin with. Don't make it at the expense of your daughter in any way! I am NOT saying she will harm your daughter but your not thinking things like this for nothing. Something IS wrong here and if she is THAT obsessed with your girl having more over will mean she will do anything including embarrasing your daughter in front of her friends so they may leave or barging in on the situation whether she want her in or not. I would cancel or better yet tell your neice the truth of why you don't want her in your house!

I love your honesty!

I think this niece is very immature for her age. She is deeply in debt. My brother isn't all that better off. They have never stayed in a hotel because they can't afford it. I would never stay with anyone and would always stay in a hotel.

I agree with what you are saying. The red flags are there. My own mother (her grandmother) is uncomfortable with how she 'loves' my DD.

I will squash her dreams and ask that they stay with the other relative that offered her place to them. She even has guest beds for them. They would sleep on the floor at my house.

It's good to hear other unbiased opionions on this.

I would have to agree with Ladybugs. Follow your gut instinct. That's why God gave them to us. Especially us women.

I know how you feel i don't like having any over nite company or company period in my house no longer then a hour or two.

I 100% agree with ladybug. That would have been my suggestion before I even saw her post.

Get the kid out of the house. Let her stay at a friends...even if you have to arrange it with the friends mom.

I fully understand your problem. How the heck do we put pushy people off? But, I found, in my lifetime, lying doesnt pay. You keep having to make up lies and excuses so you end up feeling guilty and that shouldnt be.

You have to tell stupid people in plain english, "look..I am sorry, but I dont like people staying in my home." Whats the worst that will happen? She will never talk to you again? Mission accomplished.

As ladybugsforu said, you are very welcome to tell me to shut up if you want. Both my husband and I come from very large Italian families. We joke that our house has revolving doors on it. There are cousins, nieces, nephews etc of all ages. Some we aren't that close with, mainly because they don't live nearby. But if any of them wanted to come and visit for a few days we would definitely welcome them.

I'm confused as to why you think your daughter is in danger from this neice. Does she have a history of abusing children sexually or otherwise? Granted, most 23-year-olds would rather party it up with people their own age. Could it be that she just wants to connect with family? We have nephews and nieces in their 20's and some as young as 8. They are all very close despite the age differences. Some of the older ones dote on the little ones and take them out for "special" days when many of their parents are just too busy.

I don't think you should foot the bill and house this niece for an indefinite amount of time, but why not just for a few days visit? Is there something more to this or do you just not like the girl?

I apologize if I sound critical---I really don't mean to. I guess I'm just curious.

Take care,
Donna

NO history of any abuse,,,to my knowledge. She doesn't live near me and I have only seen her about 6 times in her whole life. My brother is extremly religious (not a religion I would have any part of), so he's somewhat annoying to be around.

The reason I don't want houseguests is because I didn't invite them. I don't wish to fund someone else's vacation. If you opt to take a vacation it's not going to be funded by me. I would never do that to someone else.

If and when I choose to have guests I will go all out making a nice room for them, feed them, offer them vacation tips etc.

Just another support of what others have said: a 23 yr old girl latching onto your young daughter is odd, unusuay, unhealthy, abnormal etc etc.....move her along and maybe mention to your brother your concerns? Remember, our motherly 6th sense should always be acknowledged and I know I have ignored it and kicked myself down the street for it.....good luck!
momz

Does your niece have any siblings? Maybe she just wants a sibling and sees your daughter as a possible little sister? It most likely is all very innocent... it may seem creepy, but maybe she just wants to get to know some family. I would be tempted to have her over for the 2 nights with her father there and just see how it plays out.... while keeping a close eye on the situation of course!

... I wanted to add also that when I was your daughter's age I had 3 female cousins that were several years older than I was. One lived in Louisville, one in Virginia, and one in Chicago. I loved visiting them and they were always thrilled over the top when I was at their house visiting. They loved having me there and would play all day with me.... board games, puzzles, listen to albums, go for walks to the park, ride bikes, watch TV, talk,.. and they all loved to tell the best scary stories... I remember them to this day and told them to my kids when they were younger. None of my cousins had youger sisters so maybe I was filling that role... regardless, I had relationships with them that I cherish to this day.

Maybe you could give your niece and daughter a chance to get to know each other... keep an eye on them of course!!!

I like what Happymom has to say. Family is so important. I know you say you have seen your niece only about 6 times in her life. That's probably because she lives 4 states away. I find it sweet and refreshing that she seems to be reaching out to her aunt and her little cousin. Could it be that by fawning over your daughter she's hoping to gain your love and approval? I know that anyone who is kind to my children is tops in my book. Give her a chance. . I wouldn't automatically assume that she's got evil motives unless she gives you reason to.

As far as expense, how much does it really cost to set an extra plate. You may find that you'll be glad to discover and realize a relationship with a niece that you've never gotten a chance to know. I hope things work out for you----really I do.

Donna