Hi Ladies,
As I'm typing this message I am crying my eyes out! I feel like I've reached a level of hopelessness and despair that is almost unbearable. I say almost, because despite this all, I feel like I've been better -- both physically and mentally -- than I have in almost a year, so I'm still trying to hang onto the teeny spark that maybe, just maybe one of these days this nightmare that has become my life will pass.
That said, what I'm feeling today is different -- I think -- than what I've been feeling for just about a year now. As some of you know I was diagnosed with lyme disease at the same time I'm going through peri, and I have had horrific neurological symptoms, incuding chronic depersonalization and derealization that has left me feeling like a zombie stuck in a dark two dimensional hellish state of mind. (How pathetic is it that I can't even tell any more if I'm feeling normal or not???)
While much of that has been dissipating, now I'm feeling this profound sense of loss that has left me feeling like I don't know who I am, what I'm feeling, or what to do with myself. Literally! I feel like I can't think straight, can't get it together to take the dog for a walk, or or prepare dinner, or do dishes, or even to just sit and read a book or watch TV. I just got back from grocery shopping, but feel like I can't even remember how to cook or make a salad, and I don't even have the energy to finish putting the groceries away (although I did manage to put the froen food into the freezer). What the heck has happened to me?
What really set me off, for the third or fourth time today, is a phone call I got from someone in member services of the HMO I have been having a terrible time with (Kaiser). This woman and I have been exchanging letters and phone calls for months because I'm trying to get reimbursed for treatment and medication they refused to provide because they don't accept the lyme diagnosis I got from a private doctor. I'm also standing to lose whatever coverage I do have (I want to be able to see gyn, derm, a therapist I like, and a few other providers) because I lost my position and medical benefits when I got so sick and now I can't really afford COBRA.
Anyway, I was kind of nasty to this woman because she had just gotten back from vacation and it seems like everyone I've been dealing with is constantly taking time off. I said something stupid like, "I'm glad you enjoyed your vacation, there are some of us that don't have that luxury" and she said I was out of line and got off the phone. So I called her back and apologized on her VM and then broke down sobbing saying I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do. So she called me back, said something about bygones and kind of apologized to me too. (Who knows, maybe she's going through meno too!) But then it made me cry even harder thinking how pathetic my life has become, and from there I went right into the I don't have anyone to help me, I'm broke, I'm sick, I don't know how to take care of my son or my elderly mother, I have nothing, I hate my life, just feel like I want this pain and misery end once and for all.
So I guess I've stopped crying now, at least for the moment, but I am still feeling so lost. On top of everything else I feel like I'm getting sick and can't stop worrying that I have swine flu or something. I don't know exactly what I'm even asking for, but I feel like I need help...Thanks so much!
Cindy
Full Version: I feel so hopeless...
Cindy big hugs hope your feeling better. Its good just to talk about it there is many of us with the same symptoms, Feel free to message me anytime. hugs Terry
Big hugs and loads of positive thoughts coming out to you Cindy. Keep on plodding girl. We got your back here. xo
QUOTE (cross18 @ Sep 30 2009, 05:25 PM) 
Hi Ladies,
As I'm typing this message I am crying my eyes out! I feel like I've reached a level of hopelessness and despair that is almost unbearable. I say almost, because despite this all, I feel like I've been better -- both physically and mentally -- than I have in almost a year, so I'm still trying to hang onto the teeny spark that maybe, just maybe one of these days this nightmare that has become my life will pass.
That said, what I'm feeling today is different -- I think -- than what I've been feeling for just about a year now. As some of you know I was diagnosed with lyme disease at the same time I'm going through peri, and I have had horrific neurological symptoms, incuding chronic depersonalization and derealization that has left me feeling like a zombie stuck in a dark two dimensional hellish state of mind. (How pathetic is it that I can't even tell any more if I'm feeling normal or not???)
While much of that has been dissipating, now I'm feeling this profound sense of loss that has left me feeling like I don't know who I am, what I'm feeling, or what to do with myself. Literally! I feel like I can't think straight, can't get it together to take the dog for a walk, or or prepare dinner, or do dishes, or even to just sit and read a book or watch TV. I just got back from grocery shopping, but feel like I can't even remember how to cook or make a salad, and I don't even have the energy to finish putting the groceries away (although I did manage to put the froen food into the freezer). What the heck has happened to me?
What really set me off, for the third or fourth time today, is a phone call I got from someone in member services of the HMO I have been having a terrible time with (Kaiser). This woman and I have been exchanging letters and phone calls for months because I'm trying to get reimbursed for treatment and medication they refused to provide because they don't accept the lyme diagnosis I got from a private doctor. I'm also standing to lose whatever coverage I do have (I want to be able to see gyn, derm, a therapist I like, and a few other providers) because I lost my position and medical benefits when I got so sick and now I can't really afford COBRA.
Anyway, I was kind of nasty to this woman because she had just gotten back from vacation and it seems like everyone I've been dealing with is constantly taking time off. I said something stupid like, "I'm glad you enjoyed your vacation, there are some of us that don't have that luxury" and she said I was out of line and got off the phone. So I called her back and apologized on her VM and then broke down sobbing saying I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do. So she called me back, said something about bygones and kind of apologized to me too. (Who knows, maybe she's going through meno too!) But then it made me cry even harder thinking how pathetic my life has become, and from there I went right into the I don't have anyone to help me, I'm broke, I'm sick, I don't know how to take care of my son or my elderly mother, I have nothing, I hate my life, just feel like I want this pain and misery end once and for all.
So I guess I've stopped crying now, at least for the moment, but I am still feeling so lost. On top of everything else I feel like I'm getting sick and can't stop worrying that I have swine flu or something. I don't know exactly what I'm even asking for, but I feel like I need help...Thanks so much!
Cindy
As I'm typing this message I am crying my eyes out! I feel like I've reached a level of hopelessness and despair that is almost unbearable. I say almost, because despite this all, I feel like I've been better -- both physically and mentally -- than I have in almost a year, so I'm still trying to hang onto the teeny spark that maybe, just maybe one of these days this nightmare that has become my life will pass.
That said, what I'm feeling today is different -- I think -- than what I've been feeling for just about a year now. As some of you know I was diagnosed with lyme disease at the same time I'm going through peri, and I have had horrific neurological symptoms, incuding chronic depersonalization and derealization that has left me feeling like a zombie stuck in a dark two dimensional hellish state of mind. (How pathetic is it that I can't even tell any more if I'm feeling normal or not???)
While much of that has been dissipating, now I'm feeling this profound sense of loss that has left me feeling like I don't know who I am, what I'm feeling, or what to do with myself. Literally! I feel like I can't think straight, can't get it together to take the dog for a walk, or or prepare dinner, or do dishes, or even to just sit and read a book or watch TV. I just got back from grocery shopping, but feel like I can't even remember how to cook or make a salad, and I don't even have the energy to finish putting the groceries away (although I did manage to put the froen food into the freezer). What the heck has happened to me?
What really set me off, for the third or fourth time today, is a phone call I got from someone in member services of the HMO I have been having a terrible time with (Kaiser). This woman and I have been exchanging letters and phone calls for months because I'm trying to get reimbursed for treatment and medication they refused to provide because they don't accept the lyme diagnosis I got from a private doctor. I'm also standing to lose whatever coverage I do have (I want to be able to see gyn, derm, a therapist I like, and a few other providers) because I lost my position and medical benefits when I got so sick and now I can't really afford COBRA.
Anyway, I was kind of nasty to this woman because she had just gotten back from vacation and it seems like everyone I've been dealing with is constantly taking time off. I said something stupid like, "I'm glad you enjoyed your vacation, there are some of us that don't have that luxury" and she said I was out of line and got off the phone. So I called her back and apologized on her VM and then broke down sobbing saying I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do. So she called me back, said something about bygones and kind of apologized to me too. (Who knows, maybe she's going through meno too!) But then it made me cry even harder thinking how pathetic my life has become, and from there I went right into the I don't have anyone to help me, I'm broke, I'm sick, I don't know how to take care of my son or my elderly mother, I have nothing, I hate my life, just feel like I want this pain and misery end once and for all.
So I guess I've stopped crying now, at least for the moment, but I am still feeling so lost. On top of everything else I feel like I'm getting sick and can't stop worrying that I have swine flu or something. I don't know exactly what I'm even asking for, but I feel like I need help...Thanks so much!
Cindy
Oh, Cindy, I wish I could give you a big fat hug and let you cry on my shoulder. This cr@p is such a ******* roller coaster, just when you think you are turning a corner, the corner turns out to be a brick wall. I feel like I could use an HNS (Hormonal navigating system, just like a GPS) to navigate through all of this junk. Maybe it could show us the freeway/shortest route so we could get to the end of this journey faster, wouldn't that be awesome? I can hear the discouragement and sadness in your words and I know that you are being extremely challenged right now. You are such a fighter, but, even fighters sometimes break down and need a good cry. I can hardly handle what I have been given to deal with, I'm in awe of you. You have a good spirit and it will prevail. Today is what it is, the good thing about tomorrow is it is unwritten. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you my dear. You can email me privately if you want to sweetie. xoxo Mich
is it possiable that you are getting your period?
i feel the same way around that
time of the month, or you could have what they call
phantom period? all the symtoms of pms
with-out the flow, either way i wish you
good health quikly, and peace to you !!!
i feel the same way around that
time of the month, or you could have what they call
phantom period? all the symtoms of pms
with-out the flow, either way i wish you
good health quikly, and peace to you !!!
((((((((((((((Cindy))))))))))))))))
Cindy, I know that this is just terrible, what we are all going through. I was just thinking about you earlier today since I hadn't seen any posts from you lately. I was thinking that you must be one of the lucky ones who made it through this madhouse and were enjoying your life again. I know that you are doing much better than you were and you need to hold onto that. I also know that we need to just let it all out sometimes with a good cry. Feel free to PM me anytime as I do think of you often.
Hugs and prayers,
Bev
Hugs and prayers,
Bev
Cindy....
I feel for you...I too have days when all seems hopeless, but then a better day comes...it will be the same for you too. If you have not already, read the book 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrnes'....very interesting book...if only I could apply it to my life though! (I do try).
hugs and take care,
caz
I feel for you...I too have days when all seems hopeless, but then a better day comes...it will be the same for you too. If you have not already, read the book 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrnes'....very interesting book...if only I could apply it to my life though! (I do try).
hugs and take care,
caz
Thanks to all of you who responded! I'm doing a little better today, but, well still kind of feeling weird. This is so hard, mostly because it feels so "physical" rather than mental. It's not exactly like I'm feeling depressed or anxious for no reason, but have freak out periods when I start to feel like I'm going to have these strange perceptions and sensations for the rest of my life.
BTW, @Bev: I haven't posted much here because I'm trying to keep as busy as possible. I became the team parent for my son's freshman high school football team. Mostly it involves sending out emails, which I was doing a lot of anyway, lol. And it seems to keep my mind occupied for a while. But I'm still having a really tough time on and off, mostly on, sigh...
Also @Mich: I ethink that for me the benefits of drinking are far outweighing the benefits of yoga, LOL. But seriously, I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but having a beer or a glass of wine here and there has helped calm me down quite a bit. I know it's not for everyone, and anyone who has a tendency toward alcoholism shouldn't drink. But I've discussed it with my doctor and he thinks a glass of red wine is far better for ME than taking valium or the antipsychotics that some of the Kaiser docs wanted me to take.
Love you sistahs!
Cindy
BTW, @Bev: I haven't posted much here because I'm trying to keep as busy as possible. I became the team parent for my son's freshman high school football team. Mostly it involves sending out emails, which I was doing a lot of anyway, lol. And it seems to keep my mind occupied for a while. But I'm still having a really tough time on and off, mostly on, sigh...
Also @Mich: I ethink that for me the benefits of drinking are far outweighing the benefits of yoga, LOL. But seriously, I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but having a beer or a glass of wine here and there has helped calm me down quite a bit. I know it's not for everyone, and anyone who has a tendency toward alcoholism shouldn't drink. But I've discussed it with my doctor and he thinks a glass of red wine is far better for ME than taking valium or the antipsychotics that some of the Kaiser docs wanted me to take.
Love you sistahs!
Cindy
Cindy,
Hi dear friend......
It is infinitely difficult when we hit rock bottom, my sweet.....
But in physics, to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction
To night, there is day
To down, there is up
To love, there is hate
To summer, there is winter
As in life........if you are down, you must come back up.......have no expectations about when and how you come back up, just know that you will. It is inevitable.
Hold on sweet.......sunshine is peeking through the clouds......and in a moment you will see it
and it will go, and then it will come back, and you will see it again. Just know that while the sunshine is behind the clouds, it has not gone forever........it is just waiting for a clear day.
Take really good care babe........there is only one precious you
Much love and big hugs,
Michah
Hi dear friend......
It is infinitely difficult when we hit rock bottom, my sweet.....
But in physics, to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction
To night, there is day
To down, there is up
To love, there is hate
To summer, there is winter
As in life........if you are down, you must come back up.......have no expectations about when and how you come back up, just know that you will. It is inevitable.
Hold on sweet.......sunshine is peeking through the clouds......and in a moment you will see it
and it will go, and then it will come back, and you will see it again. Just know that while the sunshine is behind the clouds, it has not gone forever........it is just waiting for a clear day.Take really good care babe........there is only one precious you
Much love and big hugs,
Michah
Cindy,
I hope you have had a better day today. I am thinking of you and so sorry for all you have been through recently. The smallest of conflicts seem so big to us right now. Please hang in there and know you have lots of support here with the sisters of PS.
hugs.... mood_swinger
I hope you have had a better day today. I am thinking of you and so sorry for all you have been through recently. The smallest of conflicts seem so big to us right now. Please hang in there and know you have lots of support here with the sisters of PS.
hugs.... mood_swinger
QUOTE (mood_swinger @ Oct 5 2009, 07:48 PM)
I hope you have had a better day today.
Thank you so much! I've been thinking about you too. This roller coaster ride we've been on is unbelievable! This is crazy, though... I had an amazing experience a few days ago at the school I work at. I said goodbye to a group of students at the school I work at and one by one about 7 or 8 of them came up to hug me, even though they don't know me all that well. To receive that kind of spontaneous love from a group of second graders felt like it made my soul pop back into my body. I had a good evening, the first in almost a year!
But that night I had a restless night and started to feel like I was getting sick. By the next morning my throat hurt, my head was plugged up, I had aches, chills and fever. But as sick as I've been physically the last few days, I think I feel pretty much like I used to, i.e., it feels like it is "me" that is sick!
So, what the heck? But I don't want to complain. I'm sick, but I'm starting to believe that this nightmare may be ending??? At least I hope and pray and hope and pray.
Lots of love to all my sistahs!
Cindy
QUOTE (cross18 @ Oct 6 2009, 12:26 AM)
Thank you so much! I've been thinking about you too. This roller coaster ride we've been on is unbelievable! This is crazy, though... I had an amazing experience a few days ago at the school I work at. I said goodbye to a group of students at the school I work at and one by one about 7 or 8 of them came up to hug me, even though they don't know me all that well. To receive that kind of spontaneous love from a group of second graders felt like it made my soul pop back into my body. I had a good evening, the first in almost a year!
But that night I had a restless night and started to feel like I was getting sick. By the next morning my throat hurt, my head was plugged up, I had aches, chills and fever. But as sick as I've been physically the last few days, I think I feel pretty much like I used to, i.e., it feels like it is "me" that is sick!
So, what the heck? But I don't want to complain. I'm sick, but I'm starting to believe that this nightmare may be ending??? At least I hope and pray and hope and pray.
Lots of love to all my sistahs!
Cindy
But that night I had a restless night and started to feel like I was getting sick. By the next morning my throat hurt, my head was plugged up, I had aches, chills and fever. But as sick as I've been physically the last few days, I think I feel pretty much like I used to, i.e., it feels like it is "me" that is sick!
So, what the heck? But I don't want to complain. I'm sick, but I'm starting to believe that this nightmare may be ending??? At least I hope and pray and hope and pray.
Lots of love to all my sistahs!
Cindy
Hey Cindy, I'm glad you are seeing some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. I'm started to get a sore throat myself. My son is sick and he doesn't tell me this until after I kiss him. Oh great!! I'm gonna take some Ester-C and pray. I do not want the flu. Take care, xoxo Mich
I am so happy that you are feeling like "you" again. What a blessing!!!! I hope it continues for you but it definitely sounds that you are getting there, step by step. Sorry to hear that you are not feeling well, but at least you know it will pass.
Hugs,
Bev
Hugs,
Bev
@Mich...Yes, LIGHT! I'm not 100%, but I AM feeling "normal" enough to start believing that one of these days this horror really will pass.
@Bev It's nice to hear from you. Thank God it's looking like whatever this is/was, one of these days it may really become just a horrible memory. Lots of hugs and love back at you and all my other PS friends. Thanks to all of you for putting up with me all these months and may we all find the health and peace of mind that we deserve!
Cindy
@Bev It's nice to hear from you. Thank God it's looking like whatever this is/was, one of these days it may really become just a horrible memory. Lots of hugs and love back at you and all my other PS friends. Thanks to all of you for putting up with me all these months and may we all find the health and peace of mind that we deserve!
Cindy
QUOTE (cross18 @ Oct 6 2009, 06:30 PM)
@Mich...Yes, LIGHT! I'm not 100%, but I AM feeling "normal" enough to start believing that one of these days this horror really will pass.
@Bev It's nice to hear from you. Thank God it's looking like whatever this is/was, one of these days it may really become just a horrible memory. Lots of hugs and love back at you and all my other PS friends. Thanks to all of you for putting up with me all these months and may we all find the health and peace of mind that we deserve!
Cindy
@Bev It's nice to hear from you. Thank God it's looking like whatever this is/was, one of these days it may really become just a horrible memory. Lots of hugs and love back at you and all my other PS friends. Thanks to all of you for putting up with me all these months and may we all find the health and peace of mind that we deserve!
Cindy
Dear 'cross18'
Yes the horror really does pass and I am very happy that you have come to that belief
Thank God we have plenty of understanding friends to laugh,cry and share with.
I still really do not understand the "breezer clan"of Menopausal women!Do you think they really have such an easy time?
After all we are all women and yes I realise there are physiological differences but not a flash or some mild insomnia?
It is amazing how ignorant we all were till this disaster struck.
I have already advised my daughter to start checking out this Forum.
I really hope by the time she reaches this journey there will be a lot more information and products available to help.
And by the way,no-one 'put up with you'
It is always heartening to listen and empathise with all our sisters.
Hoping all continues to go forward for you
God Bless
Elizabeth
Hi Cindy, I am fairly new to this site, but when the tears come along and back I come to PS seeking solace. I am so glad you found it too. Thinking I was moving along quite nicely and perhaps even starting to come out the other side I found myself SCREAMING at my husband last night "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS LIKE" .... he walked out of the room. I have never done this ... there he is cooking dinner as I have no interest and don't even feel like eating half the time ... and although I apologized, I really have to re-think it all. This morning I explained to him more of the changes - and that I have to go through it and I told him about waking up all anxious and almost in tears (great way to start the day) and that although I KNOW it will pass, I just have to let my body purge itself of all the things meno brings.
I deal with the public constantly, my motto is "you never know what the person on the other end has been through, and they do not know that you have just had 20 phonecalls before this with angry or sad or upset people you have calmed down, treat each client as NEW". Life is tough enough without dealing with snarky, short or unreasonably cruel people.
Hoping each day gets better and better - Lyme disease is frightening - you have a lot of friends here rooting for you!!! xo
I deal with the public constantly, my motto is "you never know what the person on the other end has been through, and they do not know that you have just had 20 phonecalls before this with angry or sad or upset people you have calmed down, treat each client as NEW". Life is tough enough without dealing with snarky, short or unreasonably cruel people.
Hoping each day gets better and better - Lyme disease is frightening - you have a lot of friends here rooting for you!!! xo
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