First, I really want to say I am so sorry for the ladies that if they are experiencing anything to what I am, my heart truly goes out to you. Now I know why my Mother drank all those years, I know that must sound a little off, but seriously I am beginning to wonder.

Last night was another rough night of sleep, it seems sleep is something else I am going to have to struggle with not having either. I am tired, very tired, and now I get either startled awake shortly after falling asleep or my body does a big jerk which wakes me up, or I have those lovely internal tremors like the upper half of my body or face is vibrating.

My moods are ridiculous, sad, mad, normal..all within an hour! Anxiety is off the scales at times, even though I had anxiety before perimenopause, it is intensified so much.

Oh, I have lost half my hair volume, I shed like nobody's business, which is so hard on my self esteem as I can now see my scalp a little more.

And don't let me forget my memory..I have moments where I can't remember people's names I have known for years!! Everything I do know I have to write it down or I will forget.

Um...feeling like I can't sit still..keyed up...drives me crazy.

And, sex? What's that? Who took my sex drive??? I have absolutely no desire. I could see a gorgeous man, like in the mall, and I will look at him, and think yeah he is handsome, but that is the extent of it. It's like I don't care if I never have sex again. ( which I hope changes!)

So, who am I? Where did I go? I am only 42, is this it?! Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life in some form or fashion? Do I bite the bullet and go on HRT or BHRT, even though my anxiety over having a stroke or an anuersym from taking it will surely send me straight into a full fledge panic mode (health anxiety is awful right now)

And, yes, I have had every test possible, more than once over the past 2 years..everything is Normal. (my estrogen did show a "decline"..but that was it)

I don't know what to do ladies, I just feel defeated to be completely honest. I am usually upbeat and positive, but I have been living with this "other me" for 2 years now ...and I am just having a moment of defeat.

Oh, I had my first hot flash this morning.. I thought I had the "swine flu"!! Now, do you see what I mean??!!!

Thanks for taking the time to read and for letting me vent~

Hi Sunny
sympathies from a bullet biter. I use BRHT and I do feel much better. I suffered anxiety,no libido, aching joints, incontinence and insomnia and sat in bed crying every morning pre hormone regime. Theoretically anyone could suffer aneurysm, cancer or stroke without going near hormones. In fact I knew several people who suffered both strokes and in one case an aneurysm without touching a hormone.
I have read that using hormones and starting during peri menopause can reduce those risks as the arteries do not get the chance to harden as oestrogen isn't lowered for too long.
You must remember that falling oestrogen causes a rise in cholesterol and other cardio vascular related problems. I'm so convinced by bio identical hormones that my husband will certainly be using them when he needs them.
I told my doctor who voiced concern over a marginally raised cholesterol level that i had started hormone treatment and that my cholesterol levels would drop and he agreed with me.
Also walnut oil and tomato juice also help keep our cardio vascular system healthy.
Bite the bullet - I bet it isn't as bad as you imagine.
From one anxiety sufferer to another
Louise

Sunny98,

If it's been written out here once, it's been written out here a thousand times:

"I could have written your post."

I'm sorry you're struggling so. You'll find out here that we're each different in our approaches to feeling better. Some women like going the hormone route. Others choose anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds.

I can tell you that I got to the point where "going it alone" (no assistance) was no longer an option.

Even with meds, I still have rough days. They usually come in clusters.

My pattern seems to be as follows:

S*** all month--except for when I ovulate + a week or so after ovulation.

My periods are normal so I fall in the same category as you: no menstrual changes to indicate that I'm perimenopausal. As such, the doctors don't pay too much attention to me.

But my emotional symptoms are very real: primarily anxiety which often leads to depression.

You're not alone. Keep visiting out here. Your sisters get it.

xo

Sukie

yes many a women have turned to the bottle in these times, and i cant say i blame them......

Dear 'sunny98'
I am very sorry you are suffering so much.It is a very hard stage in a woman's life but why be so stoic?I mean this kindly but life is a risk.Meds,including the humble Asprin are risky but living with anxiety,insomnia,panic and hair falling out in clumps is a very poor quality of life. and comes with its own risks.
None of us knows how long we have to live "Death knows no age" but at least we try to be proactive and take chances on Bios.HRT,ADs or Anti Anxiety Meds.They are manufactured for a purpose and quite often work really well as long as there is a caring Doctor or Therapist to help and prescribe so what is the harm in trying.
I too was a happy,healthy woman till Menopause struck and it was awful but for some reason I thought I was mentally ill with all the weird symptoms.Prozac at 20mgs helped a great deal but three months after starting on HRT was almost back to my old self.
This acceptance is neither weak or defeatist.It is what it is.
I pray that you find something to help you.

Warm Hugs
Elizabeth

Dear 'nc53215'
What you say is quite true but as you point out there is no blame or judgement.My own Mother got through with a glass of whiskey before bed and I remember my Grandmother enjoying a glass or two of brandy.Now I know why!
I have a very good friend who is attached to Gin.I tried to talk to her about other options as she was beginning to drink earlier and heavier each day and her teen daughter still lives with her.
She did tell me quite honestly that she had tried ADs with no success and had been discouraged to try HRT,by her Gyno. as there is a history of both breast and uterine cancer in the family.
She is a lovely,spirited lady and very artistic but must admit I do worry about her as she is divorced and any living family members are in England.

Anyway,we all do what we have to do and I really hope each lady manages to find a way to cope
In Arabic the word for Menopause translates into "The Years of Despair"!so imagine what some of the poor and ignorant women here go through.A lot of these ladies look almost twice as old as there European counterparts.
Also the problem is that as they believe that all is from God,the acceptance of HRT.ADs etc. is almost taboo.

I used to love a small glass of wine but cannot tolerate any alcohol at all.

All the Best
Elizabeth

Thank you all ladies, I really do appreciate comfort and advice. I know this has been stated before too, but I would be lost without you all.

I am going to put a call into my doctor tomorrow and see what she says, she suggested BHRT to me once, and I admit I chickened out. Last month, I had health scare. I had a MRI done for severe migraines and neck pain, well, long story short the report stated a "suspected small aneurysm". I am ok, no aneurysm, but for 48 hours I saw for the first time my own mortality..nothing I care to relive anytime soon. ( They misread the report!)

I am sorry if I sound "dramatic"..you can tell me to get off my soapbox, I know there are others who are going through far worse than me.

Hope you all enjoy the rest of your Sunday..and thank you all again so much~

Hi Sunny,

Aren't you so grateful for Power Surge? Here we have such support and others can relate to what we are saying. I understand what you are going through. I seem to be a tad better now but one year ago I did not have a clue who or what I was anymore. I have read that it is called depersonalization. I have had this for the last year coupled with derealization where nothing looks the same to me, and I mean nothing. I am told it does get better as our bodies readjust and I am living proof that it is getting some better.

You said you are losing lots of hair. Have you had your thyroid checked? If our thyroid and adrenals are not functioning up to par, then this peri/meno is such a rougher ride. My thyroid is so out of whack that I developed Hashimoto's during peri and now I blame all the h-e-l-l this last year mostly on this. All the hormones work together.

Anyway, I hope you can find some relief soon and you can get to feeling better and back to your old self. This seems to be such a common complaint amongst us all.... total, total LOSS OF SELF.

You mentioned your mood swings... isn't this just the worst of all!!!! We never know from minute to minute how we will be feeling.... hence my name!

big hugs to you ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))),
mood_swinger

One more note about hair loss: stress can cause it. Mine was falling out in clumps. Totally freaked me out. Could have been the zoloft, too. Not sure but the combination of dropping down to 50 mgs of Zoloft (from 100) and just starting to feel more calm rectified that situation. But when it was happening, it was dreadful and was making me more stressed out! I dreaded showering because I couldn't bear to look at the drain. That can get better! I am living proof!

(((((((((sunny))))))))))

I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time but it seems peri has ahold of you. I am glad you found PS. I have experienced all of what you describe and then some. It comes and goes. As the others have said there are better days on the horizon. It is what I live for!

Hugs to you,
Jeaninne

Sunny! Holy cow I almost did not come here to read tonight as I seem to have lost interest in everything, even my beloved PS! I had been laying in my bed waiting for my .5 of xanax to kick in because before that I was a total mess because i am so freaked out about having to go to work tomorrow. I too am on a rollercoaster ride from hell, one day getting the best of my anxiety, cleaning house like a maniac getting some things done around the house and with the kids, flash to the next day where I am again laying in bed with INTENSE anxiety. I was just laying there thinking, ok, if I don't go to work tomorrow that wouldn't be the end of the world.... but if I do that "I don't even know who I am anymore". Not going to work is NOT ME! Who am I??????? I too am only 42 (well, will be on Oct. 19) This particular sentence could have come directly out of my mouth "My moods are ridiculous, sad, mad, normal..all within an hour! Anxiety is off the scales at times, even though I had anxiety before perimenopause, it is intensified so much" SO MUCH! Oh, and this one too "I just feel defeated to be completely honest. I am usually upbeat and positive, but I have been living with this "other me" for 2 years now ...and I am just having a moment of defeat. Hair loss, well I've been having that for awhile, luckly I have alot of it. But I clean the drain every morning and I could build a cat with what I have to swiffer up off the floor evey day! Sex drive, what's that? I just do it becasue I have a wonderful husband, and lord knows, they like the sex! Sleep is all over the place. I can get some as long as I take xanax. When you say HRT what do you mean? The only thing I have been offered is birth control pills. Which I have strongly considered I have yet to find a doc who even knows ANYTHING about the subject. All the ones I have been to just say they don't test in Peri, even Women to Women, where I have been since I am fortuante to only live 15 minutes from. YES I would try a hormone. Zoloft is making me crazy and xanax isn't helping too much anymore, well, a little, since I'm off the bed for now. Anyway Sunny, you are far from alone, knowing that is the absolutely ONLY thing that is keeping me sane, and I am not even joking about that. Feel free to PM me if you want to "talk".
Kelly

Wow..thank you Moodswinger, Sukie, Jeaninne and Kelly! I just got on this morning and saw your replies, thank you so much.

To get the responses and support I am receiving, it makes me feel not so alone, like I can do this, I have a place to go where I am not looked at like I have 12 heads or being a moody "hormonal" woman..thank you, thank you.

I found out that I have an autoimmune disease in my scalp. Yeah, I know, go figure. Apparently, after a scalp biopsy, I have inflammation where my immune system thinks my hair follicles are the enemy and are pushing them out of my scalp. It is a pretty rare immune disease..but lucky girl I am... I have it. How I got it? No one knows, could have been brought on by a virus, stress, chemicals..no one knows for sure. My thyroid is normal. But, I will say, I don't believe everything doctors say, they are not God, and they are not inside my body, so I will be the judge of that.

I am going to call my Doctor this morning and ask her about going on BHRT and see if I am considered high risk or not. Seeing I have breast cancer in my family, plus I suffer from migraines.

I hope you all are having a good day and your hormones are behaving

Take care~

Hi, Sunny,

Oh, I remember that feeling. I described it as "I feel like I'm dead and someone forgot to tell me."

I'm with the others . . . BHRT helped me. If you or your doctor is concerned, ask about these options:
1) Taking low-dose BHRT plus 80mg aspirin each day to improve anti-clotting profile;
2) Taking low-dose testosterone only (this can help improve mood, but check with him/her about hair loss.
It shouldn't be a big factor with low dose, but buyer-beware);
3) Taking DHEA (homone precursor)

Just a thought. Please hang in there.

kimber