As you have seen from my other posts, my wife has a very low libido. With help from the great people at this site and the Love Shack site, I have learned to adapt to my wife's low libido and to allow our marriage to grow and strengthen in other ways.

Of course, I am still curious as to whether her libido will ever return . She is 45, and is still convinced that menopause is a long way off (her doctor told her age 53 is the average for a women to go through menopause).

Can any of you offer some insight? Will her libido return? I know that everyone is different, but I would appreciate any and all feedback. Thanks,

B

why does all your posts have you worried about her libido? theres more to life than that , find out whats really bothering her and try to help fix it, then im sure her " libido" will come back.....

I couldn't tell you. I have heard that after all is said and done many women do get their libido back. Or, once all is said and done and they feel more balanced they search out help to assist them in getting their libido back. Libido is an interesting things, there are physiological things and psychological things that go on with that. They say sex is 99% in the mind, well, I'm not sure about that at a certain age. I would suggest just love your wife right now, show her support. I would imagine when she get's through this she will remember that and be willing to start working on that with you. I realize men need sex for love and women need love for sex. I hope that made sense, lol. It is hard when the guy is still the same guy wanting the connection he has always had with his wife and it is hard when that part takes a leave of absence. I just hope there is more substance to your relationship than sex, though I do emphasize with you, just try and be kind and patient is all I can say.

Dr OZ said on his new show yesterday that the #1 sex organ for both men and women is the brain. I think I agree. Although it is different for men and women it still is the most important aspect to love.

That is probably true, I have heard that. However, with a woman her mind may want it but her body is not cooperating. Hormones keep things in the nether regions prepped for sex and if hormones are out of whack then it can be quite uncomfortable for the woman and that makes it unpleasant and discouraging for her. Kind of in line with a guy who has ED and if he is hesitant to admit it because he finds it embarassing and doesn't want to go to the Dr. He may also make excuses about not wanting sex which feels like rejection to the woman as well. As you see it can be more than just the brain that get's the juices going, although, either way it takes action to get any action so to speak.

It is most certainly NOT the most important aspect of love. I will say it's the icing on the cake, however.

I think I'll throw my two cents in here too. I agree the 99% of sexual arousal, interest, libido, whatever you want to call it, is in the brain. My husband and I are living proof of that. For several years our marriage just dwindled to next to nothing, we just co-existed with no real show's of love between us. He ended up subconciously looking for it somewhere else with another woman he considered "a friend". He'd been having ED problems with me for a few years on an inconsistent basis. He continued to have them with her. When the affair came to light and we found that despite the pain we still loved each other, our sex life exploded. He no longer has ANY issues with ED and in fact is quite the opposite. He's quite the "teenager" these days with the staying power of a mature man, if you'll get my drift. I also had no or low libido for years. However interestingly, I began to feel tremendous desire during his affair (even though I had no knowledge of it) which I attribute to pheromones or something he was giving off and to which I responded. Now that desire is much deeper. Not the "horney" feeling I felt several months ago but the true desire a woman feels for a man she loves. It's been unbelievable how much feeling and intimacy is there for us now. What I'm trying to say is that the feeling or desire must start in the brain. And, as some women have posted, there are physical aspects of peri or meno. that cause the physcal act of making love to be uncomfortable for some women. Can you imagine having sex if it actually hurt you rather than provided the ultimate pleasure you desire? Well, neither can we. The hormonal aspects of your wife's behavior will continue to evolve and change but eventually settle down. To exactly what, I can't say. But YOUR behavior during this time will do much to dictate that "what". Be patient and loving to your wife. I realize your "needs" are not being totally met at this time but I'm sure that if you were to ask her, her's aren't either. They are just different right now than yours. If you love her, TRULY love her, the physical aspect of your love is just the icing on the cake. It is NOT the whole cake! There is so much more to love than sex. If you haven't figured that out yet, you have some real growing up to do IMHO.

Thanks all for the replies.

In our case, my wife and I have grown closer over the last year, and I never pester or pressure her about sex. I know that there is more to love than sex (but I don't mind being reminded), but we still manage to have sex on a fairly regular basis, even though she is not that interested. So, our marriage is quite good in almost all ways, but sometimes I do find myself wanting her to be more eager about sex, and I come here to seek advice. I guess I still have some work to do on my attitude

The bottom line is that I love her dearly, and will support her and stay with her no matter what.

If you were to ask my husband, sex is not actually about well...sex! It is about the intimacy that allows two people to become SO close that their souls actually seem to intertwine and become one.

And if you were to ask my wife that question, she'd say the opposite.

Hey Lady,
Just have to comment on your post. What a wonderful man you have! I think I've read somewhere on another post where you said he was the man of your dreams. I just have to say, I can understand why. I'm sure he has faults but his heart sounds so warm and loving it can't be difficult to overlook them. You are a lucky woman, my dear. Hang on to that man of yours!
xoxo
Jan

Thanks Jan! He hasn't always been this way. Lots and lots of rough road to get there. Some people would call me stupid for holding on this long. When he quit drinking and drugging part of his recovery is to make amends. I told him I forgave him and how he could make it up to me. I told him I spent 18 years with a drunk and an addict. Give me the next 18 years clean and sober. That's all I wanted. Suddenly living with a clean and sober person is HARD...especially when you are a control freak like me. I suddenly had NOTHING TO FIX and I found myself almost sabatoshing the relationship. Scary but I caught myself and the educated myself about alcoholism and how to move on.

I agree with you 100%. That is how it is for me also.

Actually, that is what I miss the most; when her desire was higher I / we felt the intimate connection you describe. Now, sometimes, it feels just like sex without the intimacy, if that makes any sense.

I am wondering if a lot of women lose that desire to be emotionally intimate with their partner during this time.

I can't answer that because I have been single for a long time, but I know that I do not have the desire either as I did in my earlier years.

I don't want to hijack this thread but I have to say one more thing...I understand what you are saying about the first 18 years. Though I do not have personal experience with that sort of thing I have a friend who did. She couldn't do it anymore, the pain too great so she left. He never did turn his life around and died. For her it was the right decision to leave. For you it seems it was the right decision to stay. Funny how life is. Your husband has obviously turned his life around and is trying to make amends for his past. Going by many of the comments you have made about him, he's clearly loves you deeply and has a good and loving heart. You've been tested by the fire my dear and survived and so has he. Everything happens for a reason I believe and it appears that you were meant to be together and learn from each other what love is all about. You stayed and loved him and tried to help him. He stayed and changed his ways for you. Now you have your reward.

BladeRunner, I can't answer for someone going through this without the help of estrogen but once I started replacing my missed hormones, my libido has skyrocketed. The T gave me great orgasims without the desire, upping my E has given me back my desire. Too bad I'm so annoyed with him right now that he hasn't noticed. (My annoyance has nothing to do with the hormones though so don't worry about having to make a trade-off).

HTH

Take a look at this article...

Good case for BHRT... ***
LOL!

I had testosterone pellets for about 1 year, went in 2x to have them inserted. I have to be honest, I didn't feel anything different. This was 3 years ago and I was and still am perimenopausal. I was hoping I would be all over it, if you get my drift, lol. I was always pretty sexual in my youthier (new word I just made up, lol) youth...and I am not ready for a wheelchair anytime soon either. Not to give TMI but I'm one of the ones who can "O" 5 times easily, with or without the testosterone, however, over the top desire never happened with the "T", I mean I enjoy(ed) sex but only once I am doing it, and, my hubbie mostly makes the first move these days. Fortunately, he goes with the flow and is really cool about it all. Sex is important but we connect intimately in many ways, via tender words, loving touches as we pass by each other in the house, sexy squeezes, flirty banter and really passionate kisses. Fortunately we are both in sync with each other so no one feels neglected. Frequency isn't as important as the quality when we are together, but that's just us. I do let him know how sexy and wonderful he is and that I do want him it's just the body and mind aren't always on the same page and he get's that. Sometimes, I'm not in the mood as I am sure many of you can relate, but, there's this 12 step saying "Fake it till you make it" (love) that is in this case... lol. Once we are together intimately, it feels wonderful, no matter how we got there. Everyone needs to feel wanted and I love my husband to the moon and beyond and because I love him and truly adore him it isn't difficult in the least. He's adorable and kind and put's up with me. He deserves a metal much less a little loving, lol.

Oh, BTW Lexapro kills the Big "O" like a bullet to the brain....ughhhh!! Now THAT I miss...lol... but, I don't miss the anxiety and depression. Crappy deal with the devil I made isn't it? Although my husband insists that sex with crazy chicks is the best sex there is....and so it was, lol.......

I'm not sure if I hi-jacked the thread or not, lol. Maybe a different type of Testosterone would have worked better than the pellets. Frankly, I don't really think I needed it back then anyways.

Take care all.
Mich

Ooops! Sorry. This was just a great article...

Please google or yahoo.....testosterone and women. There are a lot of articles out there.
Shebee

Hi All:

My husband was depressed, unwell -- neither condition encourages sexual interest -- and I was mad at him for not doing things to improve his life. After months of having my advances rebuffed (I was the one who wanted sex) & my suggestions that he needed to talk to his doctor also ignored, I did shut down. Mistake. I should have realized that communication isn't just having nice reasonable discussions using the most refined communication skills -- it is also getting strident, assertive & perhaps saying harsh things. At one point, I very calmly told him he was encouraging a situation in our marriage in which I might seek outside comfort. Poor man. He looked so hangdog when he said, "I would not blame you. I am not much fun..." After he said that, I knew he was not just being mean -- that he had true problems within, but he was not making them part of my life & that drove a wedge btwn us.

My husband has one great attribute missing in many ppl: he is very humble & a thinking man as well. Good combo bc it helped me to be more compassionate & to realize that, if he could, he would do better. We had a great sex life before his heart disease & depression that followed. However, he does bicycle & hike several miles a day, so I knew his energy level was there, but his depression was the problem. He is older & the problems of aging I will not get into, but "old age is NOT for sisisies" -- very true. However, most spouses could not say what I did to mine -- it would cause unbelievable rage in many -- so I do not suggest it. I am saying a spouse may need to keep harping on the issue. And seek counseling too, in order to learn how to do this without sounding disrespectful. Couples should go together too.

That said, while the brain **is** important in sex, one must possess a minimal amount of sex hormones for the brain to hook up to the body. I am not altogether sure I believe the brain is all powerful -- it seems something that is said in the health media just to keep ppl from worrying bc their libido is low. Has it ever been proven, other than anecdotally?? Sex is complex & one's person great sex is another person's "so what". It is all very subjective & just saying you need to have a brain ready for sex -- I think that simplifies the problem for many.

All that said, yes the brain is VERY much needed for good sex. But a healthy body helps too -- and the healthier a woman is at peri meno, the better her body will be at processing her sex hormones for her use as they decrease. So many health conditions can contribute as well....IMPORTANT to get a checkup & make sure there is not a thyroid or other situation, as well as depression (which IS an illness too!).

Hope everyone gets what they need -- and some of what they want too....VW