Just thought I'd throw this question out there: Which is worse, a strictly emotional affair or a full fledged physical one? My sister just confronted her husband about an emotional attachment he developed with a woman at work, which involved numerous lunches and dinners at out of the way places and lots of after hours phone calls. His immediate come back was: "But we didnt have sex! We're just friends! We're co-workers!" Cell phone bills confirmed her suspicions that he wasn't where he was supposed to be whenever he called and my sister is devastated. Is she over reacting?

Sorry your sister is going through this. NO NO NO....Your sister is NOT overreacting!! Finding out that your husband is seeing another woman, even if it's not physical, is always devastating. She must be beside herself. I personally don't think there's much difference. The fact is, if her husband says it's not physical, it's probably because your sister has caught him JUST BEFORE it got that way. Emotions are a very delicate thing, and if they are SO CLOSE that they need to see each other, call each other, etc., etc., something IS GOING ON. I would bet you they ARE having sex. He's just not going to admit it because your sister has no proof YET.

I totally agree with everything you said above. There is really nothing more I can add. I can only reiterate how sorry I am that your sister is faced with this kind of situation. It is a betrayal of the trust between husband and wife.

I tend to agree with you both, although at first I had never even heard of an emotional affair until I googled it. I was amazed at the content out there on the subject! I'm going to educate myself and help her get through this.

my hubby had an emotional affair once and it hurts soooo bad.I don't know if it's more painful than a sexual affair,but i don't think i will ever really get over it.

Sorry, but IMO, an emotional affair is just the warming up stage to the physical part and it sounds like your bil and his friend are playing with fire....

An affair, whether sexual or emotional is cheating on your spouse. It takes your eyes and heart off of the person you promised to protect when you married them. Period.

My first husband had one emotional affair, and then years later had the real physical one. They are both devastating. I think the emotional one almost hurt worse, because on one hand I thought I wasn't good enough for him to enjoy my company, but on the other hand I thought, well he's not sleeping with her, only me, so that's a good thing. It was so confusing. With the second affair, it was easy to walk away. I stayed through the first one, and that relationship with her lasted a couple years. Stupid - right? But we had 2 boys together and it's hard to leave given that he didn't really feel that he was cheating. I was still the one who he slept with and spent holidays with, etc.
Please give your sister lots of support and let her vent her feelings. I can guarantee that she's very confused right now. She should insist on counseling, and if he won't go, she should go herself. It does a number on your self esteem when the man you love goes to someone else for comfort.

No clue but I would have a hard time with either.
Hope your sister will be ok.

I'd be VERY concerned about the fact that he is lying about where he is supposed to be. IF this is so innocent WHY would he feel the need to hide ANY of it? Your sister needs to ask if she can go along. Does this other woman even KNOW he is married???

What a GREAT idea, Lady, to ask if you can go along!!

Hi ya Eminar,
I'm so sorry for your sister's pain! If you'll recall I've been there recently and feel qualified (as many on these boards are) to comment. I agree with the others who have posted that the emotional affair is just the warm up and is just as painful, or probably even more so than just a physical one. In a nutshell, my husband's affair started out as just "friends". They didn't spend that much time together but talked on the phone a lot, emailed a lot and flew together as much as possible during their affair. They were "buddies" of sorts and he found her (in his words) like me when I was younger, meaning she was active and always "up" for doing fun stuff. The texting began in January, the phone calls and flying together really picked up in February and by March (St. Patrick's Day to be exact) the sex started. For his part, my husband has expressed guilt and confusion as to how he could do such a terrible thing. He can't understand it himself, I certainly can't. But he broke it off with her and has had no contact with her since. I has told me that when he realized what he was going to lose, she no longer held any allure for him, as a lover or as a friend. He realized that she was no longer important to him.

If I were your sister, I would INSIST on counseling and possibly a change in jobs or locations. Even if he's willing to stop seeing this woman, he will still see her at work and it would be superhuman of him not to continue to have these feelings for her. Imagine the temptation! She should NOT believe the "just friends and coworkers" line. Maybe they've had sex and maybe they haven't but if he'd lied about where he's been and has kept this "friendship" secret, it's an affair and a betrayal of trust. It must stop if there is any hope of saving their marriage. That's assuming they are both interested in doing so. He must admit his betrayal and show her signs that he is sincere in his apologies, which should be profuse! Even then, it won't be easy for her but if he is sincere and she truly loves him there is hope. My husband and I have had a very rough few months and we continue to get stronger together because we both realize how close we came to losing what was most important to us. It's not for everyone but it's doable if desired enough. I wish your sister peace and a calm mind with which to make her decisions. She'll need lots of support and will have good days and bad. Please send her some big hugs and prayers from me.
xoxoxo
Jan

AMEN Ladybug!

Also want to add something I saw regarding longevity and life lessons. It all boils down to this one statement.

"If a relationship has to be secret, you shouldn't be in it"

My sister's self esteem is definitely down the tubes and she is confused because he's trying to brush off the whole thing like it wasn't a big deal and expects her to as well. She cant. When she's not delving into archived cell phone records to see how long she's been duped, she sits in a chair wondering how to get over it all.

I'm researching counselors for her today. The woman, btw, is about 60 yrs old, my bil is 61, my sister is 55, so it's not like his head was turned by a pretty young thing, which to me makes it worse.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice.

Hi Jan! I was waiting for you to weigh in! Thanks for your thoughts. I think sis needs to read all these posts and see that she is 1. not alone 2. not over reacting (because there was "no sex") and where to go from here. As I said, I'm looking for counselors for her and listening while she vents. Thanks again!

I'm really not a big Dr. Phil fan, but he says a few things that I totally agree with. #1- people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, and #2- you need to turn back toward your marriage to solve your problems, not away from it.

Your sister is not overreacting. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

Exactly! the fact that his "friend" isn't some young, sweet thing that just had him all turned upside down IS in a way worse. That's the "emotional" betrayal that is so painful. In some ways, I might have understood it a little better if my husband had gotten carried away with a thin, pretty young thing. HIS other woman is 51 so only a few years younger than me. However, from what I can tell from her Facebook photo, she is thin and in good shape. Still, he swears it was not about sex for him rather than the "friendship" she offered him and I believe him because of the way our sex life has heated up of late. Let's just say things are incredible in that department now compared to what it was for many years and it's all about the intimacy.

Your sister is lucky to have you there for her. Her self esteem will stay in the dumps until she gets angry enough to pull herself back up and in time that will happen. The more he "brushes" it off like it was nothing, the angrier she should and will feel. If he doesn't come clean with what he feels for this other woman then he can never be trusted IMHO. And we all know where that will lead. I so feel for your sister, her pain is my pain and I wish I could do something to help her. Definately turn her on to PS and have her read this thread. She should post her own and feel the love and support that will come her way. It is only because of that support that I am here today as I was suicidal at points and you ladies held me up. She would do well to come here, we would hold her up until she can stand alone again.

She is not over reacting, I'd bop him on top of the head and throw him to the curb. I even ask hubby and he said it's cheating.