These waves ... I can't take them. When it's going well, I'll think, "Hey! I'm better. No more blues. I feel like me." But sure enough, it all comes back and bites me in the a**.

I'll feel depression, apathy, loneliness, despair, etc.

I'm 45 and as noted in another recent entry, have regular periods--just slightly shorter cycles now.

When I feel good (usually around and after ovulation), I'll think, "Maybe this will stick this time."

But before I know it, I'm back to where I started. And I find myself wondering if the cycles are due to bipolar disorder and are not related to hormones at all. I find myself wondering if this is my life now. And that's such a scary thought.

Any thoughts or words of support for this ole scared girl?

Thanks, e-friends.

Sukie

Dearest Sukie,

Just 30 seconds before I opened PS and read your email, I was sitting here thinking I'm a bi-polar lunatic. I have never had a history of bi-polar, depression, or any other mental illness and now, every moment I don't know who I will become. I am dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde. I just left my fiance wish hugs and kisses telling him I loved him, and for just a few moments, feeling....somewhat inner calm....not even a half hour later I was driving to work and I missed his phone call, and I'm dialing him back not being able to get through, and by the time I did, Im screaming at the top of my lungs that I hate this stupid cell service we have, that I HATE missing his call when the service blanks out, I HATE getting his voicemail when he should just pick up the damn thing, I HATE my job, I HATE my life, I HATE God for making me this way, on and on until I ended up throwing the phone against the window and almost cracking the windshield.

By the time I actually pulled up to the parking lot, and got out, felt the sun, I felt another peaceful moment and thought....I feel lilke me....will this be ok? will this moment last....do I really have to tell you that by the time I walked into my office I wanted to kill everyone and felt like a pressure cooking whose lid was about to blow.

I sit here thinking....who am I? What am I becoming? Something better? It doesnt feel like it. I feel out of control, I feel raw hatred, I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of my life now. When will this end? I am only 41 and this started about a year ago. I walked into the dry cleaners to get something I had cleaned and as soon as I became aware of the chemical/perfumy smells in there, I felt insane. As soon as I became aware that I felt that way I became angry again....then I walk out the door and I see the sun and smell the clean air. It feels like fall....my mind takes me back to last autumn before all of this nightmare happened and I remember walking through the park with my fiance, we were so happy, stopping to kiss under the autumn trees, that memory lasts a moment and I am back again in hell.....

I dont believe for a second that you are bi-polar, unless you suspected you were long before this catastrophe hit your life. I know too well the ups and downs, the horrific highs and lows of perimenopause. I wish I could say I didnt, but I do. I keep telling myself, its just my hormones, this is not ME.....this is just chemicals in my body that are going crazy, I take a deep breath and I try to let go. I am desperatel fighting to get on some bios to see if that makes any kind of a difference, but so far, no one wants to help me. I wont give up. Please dont be scared. I am right there with you, going through the same thing. It will pass. It has to. Just keep believing that everything will be OK.

Love and hugs from your PS sister.....Dee

DolliieDee,

I'm sitting here crying--after having read your message.

Thank you for reaching out.

I do not have a psychiatrist or psychologist at this time (had to fire both for falling asleep on me and not returning phone calls--both men. figures) and have been sitting here this morning frantically trying to find one of each in in-network web site.

I've had a horrible morning. Feeling like I can't go in to work. Too depressed.

Thank you for reaching out and telling me I'm not alone. I feel SO ALONE. So terribly, sadly alone so your note has helped.

I'm sorry you experience such rage. Honestly, I wish I had rage! This depression is unbearable.

I will try to pull from your hstrength.

Thanks again.

Why do we have to suffer like this? It's so unfair!

Love to you,

Sukie

Why do we have to suffer like this? It's so unfair!

Love to you,

Sukie
[/quote]


I ask that same question every moment of every day. I don't understand why life--whether divinely created or orchestrated from an evolution standpoint would have ever set up a woman's body this way. It seems completely against nature, not a natural part of it. It has become one of the most leveling things I've ever experienced and I have been through things that would make the hairs stand on your head. None of them prepared me for this. You are not alone either in your depression. I go through weeks of it....morbid, crippling, black depression that I liken to a waking death. It's usually the week of my period. That will be in 2 weeks for me. There has got to be an answer to all of this, to balancing our bodies so that our emotional/endocrine systems do not become dysfunctional this way. I swear I intend to find it and when I do I will set us all free! Wishful thinking....I know....but at this point, what else do we have?

Love and big HUGS to you!!!! Dee

Dee!

You are so eloquent and comforting within this horrible context!

I have said the exact same thing: that I have been through some experiences that were unusually difficult. Those times were really tough but I eventually got through them. (They, too, would make the hairs on your head stand.)

But nothing--I repeat: NOTHING--prepared me for this. I always say I was "blindsided" by what has been--hands-down--the most difficult thing I've ever experienced.

I shudder to think that I'm barely 3 steps down the path! Yeeeeears of this left--only to get through it and then have to deal with that hideous prize, menopause!

This subject is poorly misunderstood and underresearched.

Thank you for being out here today.

Don't ever leave me!

Ha! (I mean it!)

xo

Sukie

p.s. Yes, I got my period 2 days ago. Horrible, horrible depression. Used to be I felt a surge of happiness once it came because the PMS was finally over. Little did I know (all those years) that PMS was a walk in the park compared to what awaited me in the future.

{{{{Sukie}}}}

I will never leave you!

I promise.... We are all in this together! Thank you for your kind words...sometimes I can't believe how beautifully eloquent, compassionate and supportive all the ladies here are, as you put it, despite the "horrible context" we are in! I am so grateful for this site. I would have probably died without it....literally.

I was blindsighted too, by this whole thing. While many ladies here remain bravely optimistic (regarding menopause) and I give them such credit for it, I too, DREAD that awful word and all it means. The ending of so many things....such a vital, passionate, productive time of life. I dont have any idea of who i will be then. honestly, of who I am now. But I do remember who I used to be, and I miss her so much. I could cry just thinking about it. And how many years indeed of this *****!!!??? I try to keep holding on to the idea that as each month passes, it brings me closer to a time in life when my mind/body will be balanced again. at least, I hope.

I too, used to feel that surge of calm happyiness the moment I started my period. I remember I was so irritable and uncomfortable, then my period came and all was well in the world again. I never ever really had bad PMS to begin with. I dont know why there is not more mentioned about all of this. I was so in the dark. There must have been so many women out there ahead of us. Where are their stories? What happened to them? My mother keeps saying "I never heard of any of this nonsense" She has no conception of what its like. She was fine. Had a hysterectomy at 32 had some minor depression, then bounced back and was fine ever since. She never even had a hot flash. Its so unbelievable the difference in how some women suffer so horribly and others are on sailboats, living the goodlife! What the???

Well, ok I better let you go, this is turning into the Dee & Sukie review on perimenopause....LOL! Maybe let some other ladies in here and add to my advice. PM me anytime....I am always here for you, please hold on. I know it feels like it, but you are so NOT alone.....not at all.

All my love,
Dee

Dee,

I tried to PM you but it said your mailbox was full.

Thank you again and ladies, please join in on the discussion. All are welcome.

Sukie

Hey Sukie,

You poor person.......it is AWFUL to feel this way......

I was dx with bipolar at the end of 2007........I had had symptoms since 31.......in the last 4 years before my final demise, I have had sleep studies done, ended up in my favourite mental health triage at the hospital I worked at with hallucinations(to be told that is was not psychosis, but sleep deprivation), I have been on hospital strength analgesics to to with severe gut distress and pain for 4 months, unexplained goiter with cysts and nodules, gastros/endos/imunologists, severe weight loss to the point that I was approached by the chief scientist of Biochemistry where I worked about it, biopsises, ultrasounds, endometriosis, adenomyosis, CT scans, falling asleep standing up at work, losing complete muscle control and balance at work to end up down the corridor in the ER........finally delusions, insominia even worse, mania, agitation and so on.......3 weeks in my psych unit on anti-psychotics and valium......dx: Bipolar......

1000mg Lithium per day plus anti-psychotics........left my job, left my science degree and lost my mind for 6 months.....

Only to find all along........that the dx was peri.........I am 35, nearly 36 and I was dx 5 months ago by a new doctor.......who LISTENED........2 other drs before him had mentioned peri but said I was too young........so if they had told me earlier, may I have been able to avoid falling apart? I doubt it but at least I would have had an answer for losing my mind. I am off all the psychotropics, the dx has been officially retracted by my psychiatrist and psychologist and I know what it is.

I do have a long and colourful mental health history, so maybe it helped with my argument later when I said, "I am not mentally ill, there is something else going on!". I just knew it was not bipolar after a while........and I kept pushing to get answers.....

All that pain for nothing........if I had known it was peri from 31, I would not have subjected myself to all of that crap........in the search for answers....

Take good care babe.......and it is NOT bipolar.......

Big hugs to you

Michah

Oh my Gosh, this could have been written by me !!
Add me to the "I'm scared to death I'm Biploar" group !!

I have been very stable, calm and driven my whole life (despite a dark and sad chilhood)
I have been able to overcome great heartaches and obstacles with little effort, I just made up my mind to do it and that was that....

Then came the Peri Monster....

My life was flipped upside down adn I questioned my sanity for 5 months. The ups and downs are horrific.,they go something like this
..sad..happy..agitated..needy..irritable..clingy...lonely...had it up to here with everyone...need affection..hate my spouse...so inlove with him I can barely stand it...scared he'll leave me...hope he gets lost on the way home...i'm a terrible mom...my kids are aliens...my kids deserve better...my kids are so ungrateful...and so on and so on...
you name it I have fealt it ; rage, dark despair, death wishing depression,anxiety, paranoia (that I;m dying),low self esteem..all of it at one time or another.

I have dx myself with the following mental disorders ;
Bipolar, Schitzophrenia, Alzheimers, Generalized anxiety disorder, split personality disorder and even demon possession

I have also dx myself with the following Health problems ;
Cancer, lime disease, Adrenal tumor, pitiutary tumor, heart disease, heart attack, brain anuresym, stroke, diabetes, that weird african sleeping sickness and the other one where you cant sleep at all, brain tumor,brain infection, parasites in my brain and ovaries, Cushings disease, Addisons disease....the list goes on for ever..

and only to have every test ran known to man and guess what ???

I HAVE NONE OF THEM all that was found was a b-12 defiency...

SO sisiters I know EXACTLY where you are and how you feel..believe me ladies I am in hell with you.My cycles used to be so regular I could count them down to the hour..now they are just all over the ******* place and to make it worse..I am only 32 so every doctor is like " you are way too young " oh really ?? TELL THAT TO MY OVARIES !!! I had a tubal almost 10 years ago and it ruined me...

I am 5 days late according to when I should be cycling, I feel anxious and speedy it is not a good combo, my mind skips around like a speed boat and my head feels foggy and my eyes feel just weird..like their not mine or I something I dont really know how to explain it.I am guessing I didnt ovulate this month...ugh it *****.

I want both of you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE...my worst fear is that I am going INSANE...hang in there gals, pray and pray some more.

Surely there is peace on the other side..
I hope

Dearest Nikki,

What a beautiful and poignant post! I love it! I love you! I am so sorry you know this pain, but I am so grateful for knowing you....that your life has touched mine (and everyone here). I always love reading your posts. you were one of the first people who reached out to me when I came here in April frightened out of my mind, almost mentally cripped and on the edge of admitting myself into a hospital. I so know that feeling you described of your eyes not being yours....I feel that way, and also when I talk like Im looking at myself from the outside, I dont recognize the sound of my voice most of the time. Its so alienating and frightening. Like you, my worst fear (especially today) is that Im going insane and then what will happen to me? my life? the people who love and need me? Sometimes I am on an edge of such a dark dark place, i think I will never come back this time....but I always do. You are right..let us pray. I was always spiritual, but this has brought me to my knees before God. I am hoping (and praying) for that peace on the other side with you.....Dee

Hugs to you all!!!! I fear a similar experience. Not bipolar disorder but fear being manic depressive.
Lord knows I hate this crap!
Jeaninne

i was diagnosed with schizo effective so i know i am mental lol and peri doesn't help.

[quote name='lizardlover42000' date='Sep 8 2009, 11:27 PM' post='308340']
i was diagnosed with schizo effective so i know i am mental lol and peri doesn't help.

[/was this before, during or after peri and how do you cope ?

I'm new here and can relate to this feeling very well. It appears to be a common fear of women going through peri. Bipolar disorder (by the way Janinne - Bipolar Disorder is the new, current term for Manic depression - so you're fearing the same thing is thought by many to be overdiagnosed. Perhaps many women with symptoms of perimenopause present with symptoms of bipolar and are misdiagnosed, as a full, comprehensive health hisotry had not been adequately attained. If you are truly concerned about bipolar disorder (or are hoping to rule it out), check out this mood questionnarie in the link. This is not to be used for diagnosing yourself - that is best left to a GOOD mental health clinician. However, it may help you put your symptoms in perspective and realize that what you are likely suffering from is peri. Perhaps print it out and bring it to your health care practitioner. As you try different methods of dealing with peri, complete the mood questionaire again and see if your symptoms/moods are improving. I am with you all through this. Love, J

Hey there Dollie Dee !! so glad to see you around and posting , I think of you often as your post that that right are close to my heart and thoughts.I totally understand the voice thing, I get really anxious sometimes talking to people, like my voice just sounds weird...can't quite explain it but I identify with you on that.I am glad to hear you are reaching out to God, he has carried me through some really dark places.He has been a source of constant support and I must say if anything good has come from this terrible journey it is my deepened relationship with him.I have learned that he is not some God that is accessible only when I'm good or when I have gone to church.I really have a father/daughter relationship with him and he has showed up for me in the most amazing ways through this horrible time.I try and keep calm by trusting God and my body.May sound corny to some, but it works for me as I take nothing (no meds) just some ibuprofen and of course my b-12 injections.This site has also been a God send.I love the sisters on here , it has become my life line and my only wish is that we all lived in the same town, so we could meet and hang out =]

Help Help --I was starting to wonder if I am bi-polar or just "mental". I feel so down and depressed . . . but I have a great life. I don't know what to do . . . and my husband is not very understanding . . . he thinks I should just "go to the doctor" and take care of it. Some days - I feel great . . . and some . . . not so much. Just feels good to talk to others who are in the same boat. I'm 49 and haven't had a period in probably 6 months . . . I hate the thought of turning "50" . . .

My mother actually did diagnose me as bi-polar. She's not a doctor, but she met someone who was officially diagnosed, and mom recognized things in this woman that reminded her strongly of me. I finally met this woman myself, and I gotta tell ya -- there are some scary parallels. Thw woman met me and believes it too. I then read a book about it and once again -- saw myself in every page.

I know, I know....peri and bipolar disorder can have similar symptoms, and I'm not denying that at all. However, my situation is a tad different in that 1) many of the symptoms both the woman and the book referenced are things that have been with me since my teen years (now that I think of that, it still could be hormonal, huh?), and 2) mental disorders gallop through the maternal side of my family -- bipolar, schizophrenia (three cousins), split personality disorder, I have one cousin who is mentally disabled (45 at a 7th grade reading level), a couple of alcoholics, anger management problems and domestic abuse, and a now deceased uncle who we recently found out was a pedophile. So there is definitely precedent.

I still think that my issues are mainly peri, but there is always that whisper in the back of my brain that's saying "Are you SURE?"

I do have BP and it also runs heavily on my biological mother's side of the family. I'm adopted so my family determined to help me at a very early age with my symptoms sought out medical history in locating my biological family. My biological mother's side has been crippled by BP accompanied with anxiety, depression, even suicide attempts for many decades. They are finding now definitive genetic links with it.

I have struggled with hormonal changing my moods and neuro disruptions also messing with hormonal balances. Just as some women have been helped dramatically by psych meds for the emotional symptoms others have found relief in BHRT, heck even both. Most of the psych meds prescribed to help though I've seen only as symptoms related like ADs for depression and anxiety, benzo's for panic and antipsychotics for DR/DP, hallucinations, delusions etc.

What I'm surprised in not seeing is potential research and trials with mood stabilizers. It only seems to make sense to research that as well given the extreme ups and downs during peri and cyclically we feel. Afterall our neurotransmitters are being effected by hormonal changes, thus the psych drugs helping many and vice versa with BHRT mellowing out mental symptoms for others.

I wouldn't go so far at all to say all mood stabilizers used for epilepsy or BP would be appropriate for peri, but for example the anticonvulsant Lamictal has been well studied in dramatically reducing the highs and lows of BP as well as a very effective AD. It works on serotonin as well. My moods have dramatically stabilized on it.

Instead now of thinking it's one or the other I believe it's all intricately intertwined and delicate if there's a disruption in anything. Whether hormonal or neuro I have never felt more stable in years and just wonder why all other psych drugs have been looked into to help or even be approved for peri while what seems obvious to me as a mood stabilizer to control ups and downs hasn't yet been.

Dollie Dee,


When my Mom was having us kids ok we are in our 40's to 60 now,
she has a wonderful Dr. He was SO kind.....he knew nothing of this 99% but he did tell her once
"Women's Plumbing is a bad design." - All he meant the physical problems. Little did he know the rest!!

Thank you for these posts - you and Sukie have put things into words that I have been unable to.
HUGS,
MaryBeth

This is exactly what I keep asking why why why are we like this? My intuition keeps telling me "it's not suppose to be like this" just like you say. Man can
walk on the moon and yet we can't even begin to get a handle on what is really happening here let alone fix it. Wishful thinking is better than nothing because
collectively it becomes one big wish...this will raise the consciousness of those who are in a position to do the research and find better solutions...It really
saddens me to think of all the women suffering today and for those who have no idea of what awaits them...like our daughters and granddaughters... we still have no way to really help them..so for now just keep wishing...all of us together can make something happen!

be well, be free

Do I think Im bi-polar .... yeah .. just about every day .. the swings are so wild .. I had a calm period for a while .. but then the hormone swings ,, and Im either back to doom and gloom, depression, dont want to even get out of bed ,, not looking forward to anything and everything feels like a major chore .. to being euphoric ,, happy as a lark ,, revved up .. it truly is crazy making ,,