I love this place. It makes me feel so less alone but I still have to deal with what goes on in my head - alone. I guess my post is mostly a vent because my life feels pretty out of control and that death is just around the corner. I've started to get more fears and phobias than ever.
A few weeks ago, an injured stray kitten appeared on our property. It was so frightened, we had no choice but to try to help it. At least, that's how I felt. It was a Saturday so getting it to a clinic was really not an option. Monday, I called the county animal services and took her in on Tuesday. They gave her something for worms, told me she doesn't have anything contagious and sent me home with antibiotics to care for it for a few weeks. Then it's up to us if we want to adopt it or take it in to their shelter. She's a darling kitten and her injuries (bites probably from another cat) are almost all healed up.
Throughout this entire time, I've been fearing: rabies, ringworm, tapeworm and now roundworm. You could lose an eye from roundworm! Crazy thoughts go through my head. I wash my hands a zillion times a day (I was already a frequent hand washer). What if the roundworm egg (microscopic!) somehow gets on my hand and I ingest it? Gross! I could lose an eye! OMG! I try hard not to feed the monster. It's all I can do to keep from calling a vet and asking what the chances are that I could get roundworm. I mean, I kissed the kitten on her head, for goodness sake! I don't call because I know I'll be looked at as insane and the staff will have a good laugh after getting off the phone with me. I swear, I AM driving myself insane from this.
I have a cat and she is not happy about the kitten and swatted her off the stairs the other night. Because she is small, the dog (a terrier) thinks the kitten is something to eat, like a squirrel or rat. So of course, he has tangents throughout the day if he hears her or sees her on the stairs. This is on top of his normal barking tangents over a leaf falling or something he thinks is going on outside - when it isn't. It's just a stupid waste to feel stress from this stuff! They are just animals for goodness sake but I am crying just about every day over it.
So before my husband gets home, I have a few glasses of wine (can't take more than that or the racing heart starts). It helps me get through the activities of making dinner (hate to cook!) and puts the fears at bay so that I can greet my hubby with a smile (yeah, right). If the anxiety gets really bad and I start feeling rage (which happens also), I take some xanax. I have ADs but I don't have the patience to hang in their to take them over a long time as they never seem effective and I've been on ADs in the past and hated the sides. So I just grin and bare it. Well, not really. I don't grin. I do a lot of yelling... at the dog, at the cat now (which makes me very sad because things were fine with her before the kitten showed up) and of course, the husband, who takes it all okay which makes me feel even worse. I just want to go away, live alone during this time - with nothing to do, no one to deal with, no issues. But of course, that is not going to happen.
So I guess I'm just venting. It's probably silly to obsess about roundworms all day. If I'm not obsessing about that, I'm obsessing about how much water the kitten drinks (a ton!). We had a cat die a few years ago from CRF (chronic renal failure). She was always very thirsty so now I worry about adopting the kitten and having to deal with CRF. But she is so cute and I worry about who might adopt her, would she be happy? This is so hard but it shouldn't be! Every day is hard because of some fear or another and all because I'm 50 (almost a year since my last period), and going through this hormonal crap.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Typing this seems to have helped a little.
Hope
I think peri just magnifies all our fears to the highest power and then we can't let them go. The more tired the mind gets (a shout out to Claire Weekes) the more obsessive we get.