Hi everyone,

Come out of my crypt where I have ben hibernating......

Was thinking.........is this so hard due to my age?

Started symptoms at 31 and often see women my age with years to go before they start experiencing this......

Is the fact that I am so young for this, that despite my leagues of cognitive and nutritional skills, I lack the wisdom that comes with LIFE?

My body wants to run, to dance, to move but cannot for terrible fatigue and all that comes with peri......

My mind wants to create, to think, to solve, to feel joyous but cannot due to cement-like brain fog and terrible melancholia and despair....

So, always in conflict, mind and body.........I have never been so unfamiliar with myself as I have in the last 4 years....

And all around me, my friends are having babies ad buying houses and WORKING......

And I am slowing down, with little knowledge of fertility........

I do not believe that the symptoms are any worse or better, regarding how old you are.......they are awful for everybody

But never in my life have I ever wished for menopause as much as I do now........at the age of 35.......I am wishing my life away for just one night of decent sleep, or romantic, passionate sex, or dreamless sleep, or no hot flashes that reduce me to rolling about on the tiled floor of my kitchen to cool down.

I am plagued, cynical and sick........with dreams that leave me heartbroken and betrayed.

No-one deserves this and I would not wish this on my worst enemy........but my youth is being spent on days of surviving.......after already surviving years of mental illness.

Thanks for listening

Michah

((((((((((((((((((((((((Micah))))))))))))))))))))))


no answers, i am sorry

this did not happen to me until 47 and for that, at least, i can find much gratitude

please pm me anytime darling

my heart goes out to you

with love and empathy - pooks

Michah........ I am 40 years old and have been dealing with peri for almost 5 years. At my recent gyn visit, my doctor said women dealing with menopause at a younger age deal with more severe symptoms and these symptoms will go away. But, then again I do agree symptoms can be bad for everyone regardless how old they are. All I know is peri has been the toughest time of my life. Someday you will emerge from this hormonal hell. Hang in there.

(((HUGS))) Denise

Hi Michah,

Glad you have re surfaced,

lovely to see you back on the boards again,although sad to hear you are still having such a bad time of it.

Just sending lots of warm wishes and hugs to you


Kath x

Hello Michah,

I am so, so sorry you're feeling this way. My heart goes out to you and you are in my thoughts and prayers. As you say, this is so hard at any age, but you have indeed been through more than any young woman should have to endure. Though I'm older (52) I can relate so much to wanting to dance, sing, laugh, play, etc., and the body and mind won't cooperate!

Please hang on though, I really do believe it will get better. What I've found has helped me TEMENDOUSLY, and I believe has literally saved my life, is SWIMMING.* Maybe you could try that too?

Lots of love. PM or email me any time!

Cindy

* I just wanted to share a story about being able to swim. When I was at the worst of the feelings of depersonalization and derealization I decided I had to push myself past this and get some exercise. I was too weak to run or do much of anything else I used to, so I decided to try swimming at the local high school pool. I did that for about 3 weeks but then they closed for maintenance. I then went to a local private swim and tennis club run by a group called the Native Sons of the Golden West (Kind of like the Shriners) and asked if there was any way I could pay a daily rate to come in and swim. I told them I was sick and had been laid off work so I coulnd't afford a regular membership. They told me that I needed to come in with a member to do that, but then they started asking me all kinds of questions about where I lived, what I used to do, whether I had kids, etc., etc.. I ended up talking to them for about 10 or 15 minutes making all kinds of pleasant small talk. One of the men I was talking to had turned to his computer and started typing something. I didn't really think about it because I figured he was working. Then all of a sudden he got up, handed me a MEMBERSHIP card and said, wecome, come swim and use the facility any time! He said they didn't want any money from me, but there was one thing they were asking me to do. They made me promise that the next time someone needed my help to please just be there for them.

So no you know why I do believe in angels...

My Dearest Michah,

Your words just broke my heart, as I am right there with you....I'm mean right there.... in that same tortured space you just described, wishing for an ending, or a never-beginning to this nightmarish mess my life has become. Wishing, as you said, for just one more night of dreamless, peaceful sleep, or of waking up bounding out of my bed like I once used to ready to take on the world filled with the promise of what the day might bring, wishing for that feeling that I couldnt wait to hold and kiss and make love to my wonderful fiance, wishing I felt one moment of not being mentally ill, confused, twisted, tired, nauseus, shaky, crazy, all of it....horrendous!

It seems like you and I are in the same place. I know you read and replied to my own post of despair just a few days ago. I know it sounds so horrible to say that a person would prefer death to living this way, but to those that have never been in "this place" they couldnt understand.

Menopause to me was some far off event tucked away in the back of my mind that meant no more periods, and a hot flash or two. No one ever mentioned it in my family. It went almost completely unacknowledged. My mother had a complete hysterectomy at 32 when I was born due to complications. She went through an episodic depresssion, like post partum, but in 6 months she was fine and shes told me that she never felt any of the things I and all of us here have described. She didnt even have a hot flash. My aunt and grandmother who went through the process naturally, always had a smile on their face. Always laughing, cordial, seemingly "fine"...there was nothing to prepare for or even relate to because I had no experience of any of this before.

Then, in my late 30's I began to change, little things at first, my period became much lighter (I thought lucky me!), my sex drive actually increased at the time (again I took that as a benefit!), but there were negative things too and I never equated any of these things with my body starting to change. Menopause was something SO far away (I thought) It was something that only happened to little old ladies (certianly not me! Not young, fit, healthy 30-somethings!!!) But it does and it did. I noticed my eyesight changed, I couldnt see as well anymore, feeling ill at ease in a car when before I was the best driver I know, and I used to take road trips across the country since I was 19. I remember feeling forgetful and stressed out even when there was no reason to. I would walk into a room and know I was supposed to do something but I didnt know what. I started to feel like I couldnt concentrate, reading, once something i loved, became impossible after a while....I was suddenly subjected to outbursts of rage like I never knew I was even capable of, and felt like I was possessed during a few of them. but these were all just little instances that waxed and waned over the last few years of my 30s that I didnt connect to what lied ahead. Oh my God, if I only knew...if I only knew.....

The strangest thing is that right before all of this happened to me, I felt like I was the happiest Ive ever been. I felt almost euphoric. Im not sure if anyone else here had this strange experience, but it was almost surreal. 2 years ago in fall of 2007, I remember about 10 months of feeling absolute bliss. The happiest, healthiest, most mentally at peace and clear-headed Ive ever felt in my entire life. Was this then all some cruel joke that life/God was playing on me. Im not going to go into my entire life story here, but Ive had such an incredibly hard life, hard childhood, horrifically hard teen years. Then I got Lyme disease at 21, lost another decade of my vitality and health. Finally when I reached a point where I knew the woman I was and more important than that.....I loved and appreciated her for the first time in my entire life......I lose everything....every part of that person and the person I was before. I am lost completely to this.

In December of last year I was driving home from work one night when the world suddenly slipped away and I was plunged into this mental state I never experienced before. Little did I know this was the begninning of the end of me. It was my first experience with derealization and the dark madness feeling that I now know all too well. it was 6 months after my 40th birthday.

I do believe this is harder when you are so much younger. Not that women of every age dont suffer equally with all of these horrible things, or that anyone is ever prepared for it. Believe me, I am not saying that at all! This is unspeakable and no woman anywhere at anytime should have to go through this. Its just that in your late 30's or early 40's your life is still in full swing....you are expected to be at your most vital, your most productive. You are at the height of your career, raising small children, expected to be at your sexual "peak". And instead you are suddenly curled up in the fetal position on the floor of your kitchen (I have been there too Michah!) praying out loud for God to just take you because of the unbearable mental or physical torture that you cannot endure another second. The world around you is a blur, everything drops away. You are lost to the people you love and who love you, your job, your livelihood, your inner dreams and hopes for the future. What happened!!!!!! More times than I can count in the last few months I have heard myself screaming Oh My God, Oh my God, no no no....this cant be, this just cant be. But it is. My life was just beginning. I'd never been married, never even found love before, never had children, never had the opportunity for the career I wanted, never really did anything. I saw 40 as a do-over where all of the things I ever wanted to achieve were laid in front of me. And i was happy. Oh my God.....

At this point, through the blackness of what my life is now, I cling to only 2 things. One, that this, as insidiuously horrible as all of it is, is and must be temporary. Otherwise there would be reports of mass suicides from women all over the country of peri(menopausal) ages all who just couldnt take it anymore. There must be an ending in site. There has to be. In fact, anyone reading this now, who has been through this and who has returned to their former self (not some damaged, new version of their old selves, but their REAL self) please please please reach out and tell the women that are suffering so badly now, that one day, truly they will be whole and well and them again. And two, there are SO many women who understand and are walking right now, in the same shoes. This doesnt comfort me that there are people in the world suffering through this horror, but that I am not weird, or bad, or strange, or sick or mentall ill....that this chemical change is unfortunately a real process that all women face and that some have it worse than others, but that were none of us, truly alone.

To all of you here....all of the beautiful, eloquent, sensitive, feeling, caring, loving, kind-hearted, precious and emphatic women here that so gracioulsy offer their time and support to all of us.....thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Michah, you are not alone. I promise you. And one day, you WILL have peace. Love you.....Dee

swimming yes I second that S W I M M I N G - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN MY WORST MOMENTS THIS HAS HELPED ME TOO!

did not mean to send that without signing off - SORRY! Love and peace to all you ladies - one second at a time if we have too! Maybe I will change my screen name to anxious mermaid - i like the ring of that.

i started at 33 but didnt think it was hormones til recently, just thought i was dying which made it worse, at least now i know what it is from...

(((((((((((Micah)))))))))))))))

I know what you are feeling and barely recognize myself a lot of days. Just know that you are not alone.

I keep thinking about all the ladies who have come before us and just hang to the thought that I will make it through too and hopefully have a new and improved self to be thankful for.

Hugs and more hugs to you,
Jeaninne

Strangely enough, I do remember in the year before I fell apart, I was feeling so content with my circumstances that I thought I had finally learned to be satisfied with my life. maybe my house wasn't fancy and my cars aren't expensive but my kids are great, my husband loves me, I have a job that I love. . .Then just after finishing a church Christmas production, the sunday before Christmas I completely fell apart. I should have noticied the subtle changes that had been happening, suddenly became afraid of heights, strange sensations, extremely irritable at times. I was already on paxil for anxiety disorder and I keep thinking if I had caught it soon enough I could have just gone up on the dose and been fine.

It's been almost ten months and I've finally been able to get to a dose of zoloft that takes the edge off. I still have the crawly skin feelings, the morning anxiety, and last week I cried all day for no particular reason. I'm so hoping that this is the beginning of me getting better. It's been so long, I'm not sure I remember who I was before. I'm hoping I'll be able to continue to get better and reinvent a better Mom and wife than I was before. I hope and pray that this dose of zoloft, along with the gabapentin will be the answer for me and I can start weaning off the ativan soon.

I will keep all my PS sisters in my prayers constantly. I'm having a pretty good day today, but we never know what tomorrow will bring.

(((((((((((((((hugs for all of you))))))))))))))))))))))

Ali

I know how you feel. I've been going through hell over the past week...but it is letting up. For me, my faith in God really helps me to get through the scariness at times. Especially like you said Cindy, when God sends us messages or angels.

My son's first day of Special Ed PreK was this past Thursday. The night before my husband was called into work and I had to get everything for son ready. This is fine, but I was hacing a stressful, anxiety filled day and it was hard (but not impossible) for me to push through. I didn't want to just 'push' through, I wanted to be strong for my son and be light hearted and happy. He needed that, because I knew when that bus came ot pick him up hte next morning he'd be scared. He needed me to be at peace. and I SO wasn't. I walked into to the garage to throw something out, the garage is REALLY quiet. I heard the tinnitus in my ears and felt the anxiety rising up insdie of me. I dropped to my knees and prayed immediately...in the middle of the garage. I said, "Jesus help me please!" At first this started as a complaint, because I was really scared and shaking. But then, I actually started praying, "PLEASE, put your arms around me right now and help me to be strong for my son. I need you to make me strong Lord, and ease the heaviness in my heart, give me the peace I need to show my son that everything is fine and he's going to be okay.

I got up, even though the anixety continued, I KNEW God would help me. He always does. I walked back into the house and I was crying, I went somewhere my kis couldn't see me to pull msyelf together.

Then all of the sudden I hear playing from the TV inside, this song:

"Don't worry...about a thing...because, every little thing's gonna be alright."

I froze. I listened more and I heard, "This is my message to you."

Those of you that know this song, know that it's Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds". Why was it playing on the TV when the kids were watching 'Noggin'? because Noggin made a little video for kids to the song (which is adorable).

Now tell me. Coincidence? I think not. Every cell in my body knew that God was tlaking to me through that song. I immediately knew that everything was going to be fine. I dried my eyes, picked up my daughter and swung her around and reveled in her giggles for the first time in days. I did everything I need to do for my son that night and I did it with a smile on face and peace in my heart.

Each day has gotten better and better. My son's first day went very well and so did his second day.

Does peri stink? YES. Do I wish I was past it and all the symptoms were gone already? HECK YES.

I decided something today. I am using this as a catalyst to make over my life. I want to be healthier. I am very over weight, and I want to finally lose that weight. I want to take charge of the things I can control...like my attitude and my outlook. Just because peri stinks doesn't mean I can't enjoy my life. It's time for me to separate peri from who I am.

Is it going to be tough? HECK YES. But at least I will be doing something to help myself and besides,

I've received it from a Higher Authority that, 'Every little thing's gonna be alright.'

Love and Peace to all my peri sisters, YES we WILL be better!

Hi Michah,
I really do feel for you and the other 30 somethings going through menupause at this age. I was just telling my husband that as horrible as this is that I'm so grateful for the timing. I was able to live it up in my 30's also be there for my daughter when she was young. I feel like I should probably be done with this in time to enjoy my daughters gradutions,her wedding and also be well enough to take care of my mother when she gets older.

I know you that you feel angry,sad,betrayed and more for these years you are missing out and its not fair. But also remember 40 is considered young still.You'll still be able to dance,run and do what ever you want you have time still.

I cant wait to hear sometime in the future on a post on how much better you are doing.
I also wanted to tell you that Michah is such a beautiful name.

Wish you the best,
Lara

Well, well.........now I am bawling my eyes out! Not in torment but in liberation of a journey shared.......

I wonder why I spend much time in hiberanation........it is my personality I guess........I struggle with talking and talking a lot.......my friends in real life often go through periods of not hearing a word from me......I need to THINK and process......

In saying that, whenever I reach out and seek some element of solace on this forum, I am more than rewarded.......I would love to reply to each and every one of you individually but I simply do not have the strength.......I am sorry, for you have taken the time to contribute to me.

Your kindness and understanding are paramount when I get the momentary insight to write to all of you......thank you.

I have written a follow on post named "Messages From Above" on this forum.......I hope it will not be censored for I very much value your opinion......

Much, much love to you all and thank you for all your suggestions as well.....

Michah