I dont know what to do anymore. I really dont. I want to just close my eyes from this horrid world and never exist a moment more. I feel racked betwen waves of extreme rage like I never experieinced in my life and then moments of pure psychosis where everything I ever knew or felt or thought about or believed in is totally skewed and warped beyond recognition, as if I am living in the devil's funhouse or a Steve King movie where Im trapped and cant get out. I am so frightened and so tortured. I dont want to feel this way for another second, I would really rather be dead. I just cant do it. Please dont tell me that all of this will go away one day. Im only 41 and I cant feel insane for the next 20 years of my life, or be locked in an institution until all of this passes in a decade or 2. MAYBE. I dont want to hear stories about women going on hormone therapy and feeling amazing, as if they got their lives back, only to find out a few months later that it didnt work and all their symptoms came back with a vengeance and they are screaming and crying in their bedrooms.

I dont understand any of this. I dont. This is not natural. How could it be normal, or a normal physiological occurrance to lose your mind so insidioulsy because of estrogen/progesteron loss, or whatever is happening in my body/ How could it be that nature would design and otherwise completely healthy human being to suddenly become mentally ill and feel as if she was poisoned by LSD, or toxic chemicals. To literally feel completely mentally ill out of nowhere, I dont understand. This all started for me last Dec, though if I think about it, Ive been having light peri symtoms since about age 35. But last December I died. All I remember about my life was last Thanskgiving with my fiance, laughing, in the kitchen, cooking, watching old movies, making love, being happy, being me...being alive. THIS???? THIS NIGHTMARE FROM HELL THAT IM NOW SUPPOSED TO LIVE THROUGH BECAUSE IT JUST IS WHAT IT IS I JUST DONT KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED AND I CANT DO IT. IM SORRY I CANT.

Ive been to 5 different doctors in the last 6 months, spent $3,000 out of my pocket, with this last one a KNOWN bio hormone doctor. I am sitting there falling apart in her office, with all my labs, the Bellevue Pharmacy patient history forms, and telling her I havent really had a normal period in 6 months and she says IM TOO YOUNG, no hormones for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD, PLEASE SOMEONE JUST HELP ME ALREADY!

Not that I even think they could help at this point, but when you are driven to your knees with madness and the complete loss of normalcy in your life, you would do anything. Anything at all. This whole thing is beyond sick to me. My mother, aunt, grandmother, twin sister, my 57 year old boss, among so many others had/have no idea what this is like. They are fine. Nothing...nothing at all. I dont understand. I was so ill in April I thought I was either going to end up dead, or in a mental hospital. After a million prayers, a million supplements, rest, and all of your words of support ....somehow, miraculously, i dont know how but I slowly started to feel "human" again, though a damaged one at that. Last month, Aug 1, I was actually able to go away with my fiance on vacation. I felt so peaceful, no weird thoughts, no derealization/depersonaliztion. No mental LSD-like seizures, or adverse reactions to normal things around me. Flash forward to my next period. The end of August. Right up until the moment I started bleeding I was fine! Not even PMS. The second I noticed the brownish spotting, that has now begun to preceed my actual period, the moment I saw that I felt horribly ill. First I was enraged, angry, like a wild animal, hateful. I curesed out everyone, even God and wished unspeakable things on people that have hurt/angered me. I didnt care, i was like a lunatic. Then, after the rage, I felt morbidly depressed, crying, no weeping...sobbing is more like it for days. I only bled for 1/2 a day. My normal period used to be a 3-day flow. Now it is next to nothing. This is the scantiest it's ever been since I actually skipped on last November. After the depression came the insane jumbled up mixed up thoughts in my head, like I was completely mentally ill. Not really a feeling of DR/DP, just like I was on LSD. Why??? Why did everything change so horribly? This is even worse than before. I cant explain it, it just feels so different, a different kind of horror. Not anxiety anymore, just feeling mentally ill. Smells/odors of any kind are absolutely EVIL to me. Why? Why is my brain doing this??? I wanted to go back to school this fall so badly.. I waited all my adult life to go to art scholl and live my dreams and I was finally in position to do it. Class started on Monday at a community college near my home. The day of class came and I left the room in terror. The smell of the building was horrifying to me, my mind was racing, I felt insane and I had to leave. I didnt even know what the professor was talking about. I ran out in hysterical tears. I couldnt believe it, I waited so long and now Im crazy??? This is what God had waiting for me after a long hard life in which i finally found some peace and stability?? I am crushed. Destroyed. I cant be around anything. I feel sick. Morbidly sick. Its like my brain is poisoned. I thought the worst of this was over in June, then I have a actual sensation of being human in August and its back???? BACK WORSE THAN BEFORE???? This is so horrible. Does anybody know what Im talking about??? I mean beyond bearable horrible. It's like living in a horror movie where everything feels and looks sinister, evil, crazy, maddening....I cant explain it. The worst part is that its up and down all day long, one minute I think Im coming out of it, the next its ten tims worse, then up and down again and again and again. But no mattre how many little moments of almost OK, I feel, the sensation of creepiness and horror is always there. Like Im trapped in this place and i cant get out. WHat is causing this???? As if during the moments of repreive when everything looks or feels "normal" for a few moments, the horror feelings are hanging over me going "sorry but we are not done with you!" Oh My God, I just never could have imagined that my beautiful life would end this way. How could I? How could anyone? How could I ever be well again? How did any of the other women that experience this ever recove? Is it even possible? Seriously? How???? Please tell me before I just walk off a building because I am sitting here typing this and feeling mentally ill, but yet Im not really. Does that even make any sense? This is day 11 of my cycle. Last month at this time was one of the most "normal" times Ive had since all this started. Could it be because this period was almost non-existant? My FSH levels are all extremely normal so it cant mean Im actually close to menopause can it? I am so scared that what lies ahead I just will not be able to live through. I know me, or who I used to be and I know that I cannot bear to be mentally tortured in this way. I just cant. All I wanted was to try some estrogen, and no one will give it to me. I dont understand. I dont. Please tell me what to do.........please..........Dee

This is how I view menopause. I am 42 and in peri for going on three years. I had a hysterectomy at 31. I take NOTHING for my symptoms because of allergies. Now, my view. We are but caterpillers...fuzzy, cute, colorful and full of life caterpillers. We bear our babies, make our homes, our lives and our memories all as little caterpillers. Then when "most" is said and done God says "it's time" and we go into "coccoon" state. It's literally a metamorphasis. During this time we are trapped inside a shell. While in this shell we are transformed. This transformation is NOT easy. It is wild. It is mind boggling and it is scary as all get out BUT we will emerge. We will emerge as beautiful butterflies. Butterflies with WINGS! Wings we can fly on! All that is down below us at that point will seem minute compared to the heights we will soar! Hold on girlfriend. I have bad days, good days, ok days and days that just **** but all we can do is hold on tight. As bumpy as this ride will get...God will see us through!

First off you are NOT crazy!! I have no medical advice for you though.

It does sound like your are in peri.

((hugs))

DD - I am so sorry you are going through this. I do understand completely how you feel. This has been a roller coaster of emotions and mind altering hell. Some days are okay for me, and by okay I just mean that I'm not rolled up in a corner somewhere frightened of even talking with my kids. This is ridiculous! A lot of my days lately have been pure hell. That is the only way that I can describe it, I can't wait until it's time to go to bed so I can close my eyes and be rid of it all, but that doesn't last long, because I'm up two or three hours after I've fallen asleep and can't go back to sleep.

I hate the feeling of unreality of it all, like this is some sort of nightmare that I cannot wake up from.

I know you said that you have been to doctors and they have been no help, but I wonder if there isn't something more going on here than just menopausal hormones. I've thought that of myself as well and finally found a doctor (functional medicine) that specializes in finding something where other doctors don't even bother looking. All of these symptoms (especially when you talk about the smells...that's a big one for me)can be attributed to so many different things; adrenals, pituitary gland, blood sugar, thyroid, the list is endless. Although he is still running tests and I don't have any answers yet, I am hopeful that he will find the cause and tell me what to do to fix it.

It is close to impossible live your life with any kind of normalcy with all this crap going on in your head. Again, I'm so sorry that you are experiencing all of this and I hope that you will find the strength to continue to look for a doctor to help you.

Joan

Joan,

I am more than 100% positive its all hormonal, though there might be a cyst/fibroid issue that is affecting it. I've been tested for everything under the sun. All of this started specifically when i skipped a period last November. In December of last year I felt slowly like I was losing my mind....literally, felt mad. From Dec 2008 until now, my period with every month has gotten lighter and lighter and my symptoms keep intensifying. this is the worst week i have ever endured in my entire life. i literally prayed for death. I just dont know how anyone is supposed to do this for any length of time without wanting to be gone from this life. Im sorry if i am so morbid, thats just where I am right now. Thank you so much.....and to everyone who offered their help.......Dee

Dee,

I'm in peri (age 47) and been taking b/hrt for the last 2 /12 years. I was thrown into a sudden nasty meno due to a medication error while in the hospital. At first no one wanted to help me either. I had many many consults before assembling the fine team of docs that I currently utilize. Have hope.

If you truly feel it is hormonal then I would suggest going back to one of the docs and calmly asking for a bcp. They will be most agreeable to dosing that because its part of "the standard of care" for a peri woman. Try one and see how you do. Perhaps your brain and body is just highly affected by the fluxes of hormone levels throughout the month. If your ovaries are sputtering out varying levels that can account for why you had such a good month with the fiance. Also less stress can impact us in many ways too. Maybe see if the docs can give you a short course of benzo's (valium, etc.) while you sit tight and wait for the bcp's to help.

And, if the bcps help in some way then you could go back and tweak the dose or transition to b/hrt during peri. Many docs just don't have the time and patience to dose b/hrt for a meno woman....let alone a peri woman who is still cycling on her own but is very ill. Please pm me and I will try to help if possible. Also, as the other ladies have pointed out there may be other things going on with your physiology. ie - anxiety, stress, etc... thyroid, lyme?? Regards, JZZ

((((((((((dee))))))))))),

i hadn't seen any posts from you in a while & was hoping that you were doing better. i am so sorry to know how awful things are for you currently & i so wish i could do something/anything to ease the horror & pain for you. i have a sense of what you are going through - the only thing that has saved me is that the worst runs of the mental/emotional anguish have been relatively brief & have not descended into a severe type of break. my closest to that was when i attempted to go on yaz, & i was fortunate that it abated once i stopped taking it.

my doc once indicated that she thought the easier months for me may be the ones in which i didn't ovulate. but i don't really know - as you mention, some of the time things seem tolerable, no pms & then whamo afterward.

i know that you are familiar w/vliet's work. i think i have mentioned aviano as a possible contact - she saw vliet (the actual experience is another matter) & while i don't know if that is something that you want to pursue, she may have some other suggestions for resources/contacts.

marcy no longer posts, but is one of the ps sisters who had a severe break during peri - & i want to note that i am not suggesting that this would ever happen to you. but i know that she was able to assemble a very good team of doctors & emerged from the darkness. some people here may know how to get in touch with her (floater comes to mind, i think i just read something recently re: marcy). i think that you & marcy may live in the same general part of the US.

i can't speak at all to how successful any of the ADs are with this. i was told i was too young for peri, but dxed w/pmdd. the treatment protocol was one of the ADs. i haven't attempted any yet.

i hope others who have struggled so severely may be able to help & give suggestions.

i can tell you that all of this has brought some of the most despairing & frightening experiences of my life. at my most difficult points, it has helped me to know that it will pass(fortunately, that has been the case for me) & i do what i can to protect myself & others during it (including having the number to emergency hospitalization if it ever came to that). it frustrates me that i can't give you more to hold on to. but keep holding on to us, here.

when you emerge from the current hell, then you will be able to evaluate your next steps. for now, wishing you hugs, love, & peace/soon.

xo,ellen

just to clarify, dee - marcy was still peri, so i brought her up in hopes that your possible proximity to her may yield a good physician versed in the hormonal aspects of the type of horrible symptoms that you describe/experience. & that the physician is willing to use hormonal treatment ( & other strategies) to deal with it.

focus on getting through now & keep us posted as to how you are doing.

((((hugs))))

Hi DollyDee,

Unfortunatley cannot offer any advice wish I could.

would like to say hang on to those good weeks you have had,but I know how meaningless that seems when you are back in that bad place.

I,m 43 been to so many DR,s this last year,every test as your,s "normal"

My last Dr,s visit was quite promising,he did say some women are more sensitive to these changes than others, and also a magazine article I have just read said along the same lines that an explanation could be that the way progesterone affects the brain,saying some women,s brain chemicals may be more sensitive to the hormones than others.

Do you also think you feel worse because you had a good few weeks,I don,t say that lightly but from my own experience when I,ve picked up I think "great thats it the worst is over" to then have it all come crashing back down,it almost feels a hundred times worse because you have felt "quite normal" When probably it is the same,it just feels worse??!!

I liken this to grief the loss of someone close,which I did several years ago,it is all enveloping it wont go away,then you have a little chink of normality,then it has you again a black cloak smoothering you,and because you have had a small taste of normality,it makes these bad times more unbearable and it scares you more.

I,m probably way of the mark here with you DollyDee,but I hope you can understand what I,m trying to say here,as I know you are suffering terribly from what you write.

Think what I,m droning on about is try to go with it,instead of fighting it,as much as possible.

Again I don,t say any of this lightly like "oh just get on with it" I don,t mean that,but you have had good days weeks and you will have more,just doesn,t feel like it at the time does it?

I am trying to apply what I have wrote to you to myself.
some days easier than others of course.

Take care
Kath

Dollie....((((big hugs)))) i feel your pain and understand how you're feeling.Do you at least have a prescription of xanax or something to get you through this?If not,i suggest you get some.It won't take all your symptoms away but should help you be able to cope better.....

Dollie,

I do understand exactly how you feel. When I was going thru the worst of it I knew I didn't and couldn't live for 10 years feeling the way I did. No way, no how.

I was a little luckier than you, in so far as the doctors I saw were willing to work with me.

First thing I got was Ativan, to help with the anxiety and panic attacks (which from your description, you are having). The Ativan doesn't take all symptoms away by any means, but does make it easier to cope, and keeps the panic at bay.

Secondly, I started on an anti depressant, I titrated slowly so as not to suffer side effects. It took about 5 weeks to fully kick in, but it did help immensely. That anxiety, panic and depression pretty much went away. That in itself was a huge relief. However it did not bring me back to feeling "normal".

Thirdly, I finally relented and asked for hormones. I went on Estrogel - and I swear to you, I felt a difference in an HOUR!!! I believe I was so deficient that my body just ****** it all up and I felt energized for the first time in MONTHS. I also used Prometrium which seemed to work well for over a year, but then started causing me some troubles....I am still working on getting the progesterone part of the HRT right, however this has not brought me back to where I was by any means. I still take the Estrogel and the AD (at half dose now) and I almost never need Ativan.

I don't know if you have tried Ativan (or valium, or Xanax, etc), or if you have tried an AD (Paxil, Prozac, Effexor, Celexa, Lexapro, etc) but if you have not, it might be time to consider them. That would be (and was) my first line of defense. See how you feel on those....then decide if you need hormone replacement.

If you can't find a doctor to work with you, you could always order hormones online....I realize this isn't the most responsible advice, but if you can't get cooperation, sometimes we need to take matters into our own hands.

Let us know what you decide to do.

Hang in there.

Hugs

First of all, mega big Mama Booky ((hugs)) to you. I know it's hard to believe now, but it WILL get better. Please, hang on dear!!

I've been on the edge. It's not a good place. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I made it. That's why, when these symptoms flare up again I reach the very depths of despair and feel "Oh Lord, not again, please!"

I found that alternative medicine worked for me in the past and am looking into that now. A holistic doctor seems more inclined to believe your symptoms and validates your feelings. They treat the whole person.

I don't know what your bloodwork looks like, but a few things come to mind.

1) thyroid (once again, you may be in "normal" range per your doctor where a holistic practitioner may see this differently. I was told for years my thyroid was normal. I had to INSIST on further testing and yes, my thyroid is low. Surprise!
2) Adrenal fatigue--this can cause a myriad of symptoms--all pretty unpleasant!
3) Candida? This caused many a problem for me in the past. People tend to overlook this. Have you been on a course of antibiotics? Do you have blood sugar issues (high or low), eat a diet high in refined sugars and processed foods? This could wreak havoc on you.

In the meantime, perhaps you can ask your doctor to prescribe Ativan (my choice) or Xanax to relax you until you can get to the bottom of what's causing your symptoms.

I will pray for you.

well seeing you dont want no one preaching to you all i can add is my experience, im 49 ,started peri at 33, ive had nite sweats for 16 yrs, had every symtom x10, and was committed for 3 days to phych- ward, been there done that, you are not alone, and i too struggle with the " what kind of god " would design a womans body to feel like this ? but in life there are alot of questions we will never get answers to till the end , i beleive its gods way to draw us closer to him !!! please find peace in your journey home....

you say all you want is to try estrogen, but more than likely you are estrogen dominent,, if you still have all your girly parts, then you could probably benefit from progesterone not estrogen !!! that you also can get at any good herbal health store !!! have you tried that? find a local health store and buy some, it might help, take care

Thanks, NC. I meant to add that to my list of "possibilities" earlier. Yes, estrogen dominance. I know all about that too! Thanks for mentioning it!

Dee, I am SO sorry that you're going through this, especially since you were doing so much better for a while. As you know, my symptoms have been almost identical to yours. I've also experienced the depersonalization and derealization, the darkness, creepiness, "LSD" type sensations, jumping thoughts, the running hysterically out of movies, my son's school, my synagogue, even my own house, etc., etc.. (Didn't I tell you about my episodes several months ago of running out of the house at 3 am screaming and begging God to make it stop or let me die right then and there because I couldn't stand it any more?)

And I tried xanax, then valium, then an antidepressant (Celexa) that almost killed me (literally, I became very suicidal because it induced auditory hallucinations telling me that I should die). I also went from doctor to doctor who kept telling me it was probably just menopausal anxiety and there was nothing much they could do since I refused to take any more benzos or ADs.

I feel so very fortunate that now I'm seeing a great private doctor who finally is listening to me and trying to reassure me that I'm not going crazy and will get better one of these days. As you know he is convinced that it is primarily that I have Lyme Disease (and several co-infections) that things got so crazy...I have been having hormonal issues for a couple of years but NEVER before experienced the insanity that I have for nearly a year now.

He also says that the Lyme really messes with your hormones in addition to making you feel like you're losing your mind. So while he did start me on BHRT, he has been very insistent that I continue to take antibiotics, which I have been doing now for 5 months. (I just switched to a new med, Levaquin).

I can't help but wonder if something like that is going on for you too, i.e., that a Lyme relapse may be causing the hormonal imbalance that may not necessarily be perimenopause??? Anyway, I'm certainly no doctor. But I've tried experiementing with not taking the AB for a few days, then not taking the BHRT for a few days and it seems to me that I need BOTH.

And while I still feel weird, and still have moments that I get so scared and feel like I'm never going to fully get better, I find that I have more and more moments where I'm doing OK. I've returned to work P/T -- just got a call today and will be starting a second P/T job next week -- I've been swimming nearly every day, I've been socializing a lot more, I've started taking my dog for walks again and I've even been reading a little. (I was an avid reader but started having horrific visual symptoms including double vision and loss of depth perception that, along with the darkness, made it very scary and uncomfortable to read books!)

Anyway, I hope this gives you a little bit of hope. Please feel free to PM, email or call me. I'm here for you and sending lots of love and positive vibes your way.

Cindy

((((Dee)))) glad many has offer support and advice>> not having a very good day so will just send a hug for now and try to post more later!

Thank you all for your kind replies. I have been literally out of my mind. All oif this I know is my hormones. I did want so desperately to try Estrogen/Progesterone but maybe it would all just make everything even worse. I just wish someone would have let me give it a try because things have become so hard. I never imagined how something so seemingly insignificant could destroy a persons mind and body this way. All of you brought up so many points I want to address, but do not know if I have the strength to write much at the moment.

I did try P cream and at first I thought it did help. But then, it seemed to make everything worse! In answer to the xanax/ativan....I'm not really having panic attacks, or feel "panicky" this time around. When all of this began, thats exactly how it started, but now, I am just trapped in this bad place that I really dont know how to describe. Its like DR but its not really. Its like all your thoughts are jumbled and you dont know what you are thinking about, and everything seems weird or crazy or not right, and any sensory stimulus like light, noise, motion, especially and most horrifically smells/odors, causes my brain to go into this scrambled mode that is beyond frightening. The worst part is that it fluctuates so wildly, it goes up and down all day like this....a second a moment of I think Im ok, then oh my god I feel insane....its so horrible, its beyond description. I might have had stress in my life, I might have some adrenal issues, I know for a FACT I had/have Lyme disease, but I tell you I never had any of this, none of it, until I missed a period last November and it became completely erratic and scant since then. All of the madness is tied to the end of my cycle. Its too instinctive in me not to know that this is all hormones. The question is how can anyone live this way?

You are right, the weeks of a little repreieve did make the return of this feel even more horrible than before, but this time things feel different. I dont know how, but its even weirder now.

I have also been getting a lot of hot flashes. I dont think Im estrogen dominant, I barely bleed when I have my period and I feel like Ive completely lost myself, my mind. You are right whoever said its worse when you ovulate. I didnt ovulate for 2 months in June July and August and I felt like I was slooooowly starting to feel ok again. But this month, I have all the symptoms of ovulation, so maybe that has something to do with it? I dont know. I was taking alot of supplements, and stopped out of frustration because I thought that none of them were really helping and it was all so expensive and too much to deal with. Maybe I shouldnt have stopped. Its just like this whole thing keeps evolving from one weird/I dont feel right/something is horribly wrong moment to another. I dont know if any of you experienced things like this, but it just seems to keep morphing into different (crazier) sensations for me. Sometimes it feels like really bad PMS, sometimes like pure hateful rage so bad I am frightened of myself, sometimes I am morbidly depressed and then the LSD-like sensations and mental confusion.

I dont know what Im going to do at this point, I am just talking out loud here...thank you all for your kindness and support,. I am just hanging by a thread.....Dee

DD:

I wish I had some advice to give about all of this but do not understand everything either. I do know that we will get through it, we have to.

I know alot of what you describe and it is so scary to think we could be like this for longer time. I can send you lots of hugs and many prayers.

Jeaninne

My thoughts and prayers are with you DD.

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from as I'm in the same place. I have noticed that since my periods have gotten lighter my mood swings are out of control!

I have had severe panic attacks, the first put me in hospital and endless tests later I'm am convinced that doctors know nothing! I have this great place here and the ladies who frequent it to thank for my sanity!

I was convinced I was dying, but after reading all others experiences on here I know what I'm going through is Peri menopause.

I can be fine one minute, and a complete and utter nutter the next!

Just the other night I got so frustrated by my moods I completely destroyed my kitchen chairs that made up my dining suite!!!
I just threw them and they snapped like kindling they weren't that old either.....MY GOD I THOUGHT, WHAT HAVE I DONE!

When I returned to normalcy, if thats possible, I felt like my family, husband and son would be mortified! but thank God they were understanding and said next time could you destroy something less significant

I can change from one minute to the next, I absolutely hate this roller coaster ride, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Nothing in life gives me pleasure, except my family I guess who have been understanding through all of this.

I feel as though I have lost myself and wonder if life will EVER be the same.

So although it's not much comfort, know that you are NOT alone in this journey and that there are numerous others like us in the same boat.

I find myself praying a lot more and asking God to ease these symptoms. If there is another life, and I believe there is I can only hope and pray we are not inflicted with these type of symptoms ever again!

Hugs to you my dear..


Tomorrow smile at someone
That you've never seen before.
Take time to think of others that
You feel compassion for.

Tomorrow tell somebody
How they brighten up your day.
Let random acts of kindness
Put your feelings on display.

Tomorrow hug your children
Somewhat tighter than before.
Be sure to think of all the things
You can be thankful for.

Pat your dog a little longer.
Hug and kiss your husband/wife.
Thank your God for granting you
Another day of life.

I also went to a dark place starting in January. All of a sudden the periods started changing and I felt like I was slipping away. Like you I have had a hard life and after dealing with so much, finally, being a single Mom for 1 1/2 years after leaving a very toxic 12 year relationship, 4 years ago met my husband. I have never had such calm and stability and most important such love from a man in my whole life. We bought a house in 2008, I was able to decorate it as I wanted too and yet I had this unsettled feeling, almost like this can't be MY life. I think I recall you saying that you were finally happy after some rough years and this hit you out of the blue. Well, for me it was a similar feeling. Almost like happiness overload and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Obviously, I am at the age for hormonal things to start happening so perhaps it is coincidental, but, all I know is after so much hardship, my fears were of loss. I had had so much loss in my life. I felt like I had the rugged pulled out from under me, like this was a cruel joke. How could I live through what I lived through, finally have the love and calm that I always wanted in my life and now I feel like a crazy lunatic. Crying, panic stricken, terrified, doom and gloom hanging over everything, afraid of not being able to grow old with my husband. It was horrendous. I did not know how to be truly happy and accept abundance. That said, this isn't all about that, there is the hormonal component that is magnifying fears that I held close to the vest. I finally went on Lexapro and use Xanas as needed. For me it has been 1 month, I feel better, tired still, but lot's calmer. My obsessive thoughts are more controllable, I am able to not focus on them, whereas before if I had a negative thought I could not let go of it. If I had a fear it felt real and I couldn't shake it. We'll see if this continues to work and I get a little more energetic. I hear your cry and your pain and I wish with all my heart that I could give you a magic potion or magic words to help you find some peace and calm in this storm you are going through. I would suggest if you cant get hormones you try the AD route or something. Of course, it is your decision and what your comfort level is. I was scared of taking AD's, really nervous about it. But, for me I just couldn't continue feeling the way I was feeling, I really though I would end up in the hospital at my worse. Is your fiancee a source of comfort for you? Family or friends?? I sure hope so... (((((Big Hugs)))))) Take care, Mich

Arghhhh, I had peri meno brain "had the "RUG" not rugged pulled out from under me....

You all might hate me for saying this over and over again, but here goes.................the AD is what saved me!! Took me a VERY long time to submit to anti-depressants. Should have been on them a LONG time ago. I am no longer obsessing over every little thing. I no longer feel like killing someone, including myself. My thoughts are not morbid like before. They have totally changed my life. I can laugh now, which I do a LOT! I still have add, but it is nowhere near as bad as before. Actually the add has protected me in many ways, so I will hang onto that for a little while longer.

I just wish EVERYONE here could take them. I know that not everyone can, so you have to find what works for you.

I wish that ADs would work for everyone, but they don't. I believe I have had EXACTLY what Dee is experiencing. Although feeling this odd, surreal, nightmarish, etc.. feeling is both depressing and terrifying, I believe it is a physiological condition that isn't really depression, nor is it anxiety. I personally found that when I was at the worst of this hellish experience (I'm still not really over it completely and worry sometimes that I never will feel normal again!) and my initial doctors convinced me to try the usual meds, it made things much worse. The AD caused hallucinations and I started feeling suicidal when I hadn't before, and the benzos made me more anxious than I already was because I was so scared and weirded out.

Anyway, Dee, please try to hang in there. I think you're feeling what I did a couple of months ago and it's eased up quite a bit, although I'm not 100% sure why, sigh...

Cindy

I don't have any words of wisdom to offer, just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and hope things get better soon. I am sorry I am not more helpful, I wish I could be, but other than all the suggestions everyone gave, I have nothing to add but my concern.

Me too,i took one 10mg. of lexapro and was sooo sick and had a very bad "trip",seeing things,hearing things,fighting the urge to slash my wrists,etc. for 7 days.Although i could probably benefit from being on an AD,i'm too afraid to ever try one again.

I was just thinking along these lines. Although I am in peri, I needed extra estrogen to keep me stable throughout the month. My E was up and down...and I had almost all of the meno symptoms. I was a mess.

I would ask for birth control pills if you cannot get E and see if they help
Currently, I am on continuous BHRT. I feel "normal." ...what a great word. Normal. I Never want to go through the he!! that I went through before the the bios.

This year on bios (so far) has been the best that I have had for the last 5-6 years. In one month, I have did more than I did in one year. No kidding. I am so busy all of the time. My thoughts are sharp and clear. My short term memory has returned. ....and NO more Migraines!

There is hope for you.

Surely someone could at least let you do a "trial". It seems odd that no one wants to at least try you on E.

Shebee

P.S. I also had lyme several years ago. The symptoms are very much like the meno symptoms.

Dee--

So sorry to read your eloquent post. I just want to add to the chorus suggesting that bcps may be a worth a try. They are eager to hand them out to peri women for mood swings, heavy bleeding, birth control etc so your doc should be willing to give it a try. Sounds like where your experience swings so wildly it is because your hormones are roller coastering and this may steady them. I had anxiety and panic and depression and unreality at the beginning of the summer--felt scared and "trapped" by my brain chemistry and am feeling much better thanks to bcps, Celexa, the occasional xanax and the realization that it was "just" my hormones....Also, I think many of my symptoms were a weird form of panic and, in hindsight, I wish I had not been so stingy with the xanax during my worst days....

Dee,


It sounds like you have tried many things and I am sorry none of them have offered any kind of consistant relief.

As to how you are feeling mentally as well as physically....you have said it all perfectly for me....I have been like this going on 3 years now and mine started with flashes and palp's and episodes of dizziness and within a few mo. of that my periods started to come closer together(meaning withi n 2 weeks of eachother) and got very heavy....that is when I started my downward spiral, became agoraphobic, panic attacks so intense they just crippled me.......couldn't function for days at a time......would just go some place by myself and just sob, blubber to be exact, but I couldn't stop I felt so hopeless....at times I want to just curl up and wish it would all end... the only thing different for us is I have been told I am in peri and my #'s all have been post for 2 years, but the periods 2'x a month keep coming so my #'s mean nothing to me right now. I have had a bad run lately again where everyday is a struggle at some point, because like you and the rest here, I am sure, I literally feel ok or well one moment and within the same hour can spiral to a very dark place and feel horrible. I cry everyday at some point when I suddenly get knocked off my feet by symptoms appearing out of the blue, I have been known to crawl across the floor due to extreme dizziness/lightheaded, I will be in the middle of cooking dinner and just literally plop myself on the floor between the living room and dining room(so I don't forget I am cooking I am laying have on tile and half on carpet becauase I have been know to forget and practically burn the house down) I suddenly have to lay down as I get weak, my heart will palpitate, I get sweaty.....I have assumed this is a hotflash.....can't do that in the middle of grocery shopping so I have become afraid to go.....I go with my husband so he can drive but i am always waiting for the next onslought. Have taken drastic measures finacially to eliminate our debt due to medical bills I have racked up in the last couple of years. It doesn't matter what I eat, I have tried that route what vitamin or supplement I take....I could down cookies, chips and whatever and feel good.....when I have eaten well I feel like crap.....for me it seems to have nothing to do with my eating.

I have given birth 2'x, lived with an abusive husband in my twenties until his death in 99 from an motorcycle accident after 2 1/2 years of rehab, moved my chidren north near my family...like from Fl to WI, raised a son who was completely unruly and in trouble with the law from 2 years after his father died till he turned 19, he was so difficult that he was expelled in his junior year( he has come around and doing much better) I have been through so much and I can honestly say as hard as this stuff was this hormonal upheavel has been the hardest for me to deal with, I feel inhuman, unhealthy, ready to rot away any minute, my brain doesn't work right and can't think, I, as you say, have been tortured for 3 years now and living for 2 years in my own personal prison without any sign of release...I know how you feel only too well.

I have tried the BHRT myself and it wasn't great for me and I think it was/is because I am still having irregular cycles so my hormones are still going way high and way low and adding just made them go even way higher, but maybe my lows weren't so low....it helped the brain fog but other things got worse. I bought a bunch of soy out of desparation wednesday night at sam's( tried revival and it just didn't sit well with me...I thing it is the concentration of it).....soy milk(3 1/2 gallons ) and naturade soy powder, my husband said what are you doing with all that and I said I don't know what else to do anymore, but OD on soy as it can both add and inhibit estrogen( I don't have a thyroid problem so....iif anything it is almost hyper), bought some progesterone cream. I had a really rough day yesterday with palp's and flashes, crying......throughout the day I drank 4 glasses of soy and used the P. cream and this morning I don't feel horrible yet like yesterday, could be a good day or should I say hour...only time will tell.

My only thought is this ....don't assume because you are flashing and your periods are light that your only problem is estro. def. .......I had flashes and night sweats when my periods were at thier worst and thought I could possibly bleed to death....when they checked it 3'x during my heavy relentless cycles it came in at 32, 21, and now the latest 12( this was over a 3 year time frame) it is for sure low, but I have had heavy periods so in comparison to progesterone it probably is high........explaining why I have symptoms of too much and too little at the same time. Maybe you could try a different P cream as I had too this time along with some type of natural weak estrogens since your Dr won't, at this point, give you any estro.....P. creams aren't all created same.

BIG HUGS Mikki

My emotions are so all over the place too, and I am suffering with depersonalization, but not enough to make me anhedonic - just enough to keep the emotions out there and worried about everything, yet feel removed from it in a really abstract fashion. I don't want to kill myself - I don't have suicidal ideations, but if a case of cancer came my way, I'd not be adverse to it. And that's a horrible thing to say given what people suffer.......but I am just so done & depleted. Done with my son and his woes, done with all these hormonal ups and downs. I have much to be happy and grateful for and once in a while I get these feelings of euphoria and wellness, but they are getting fewer and further between. I know the other shoe is going to drop. If it wasn't for my fiance, I would seriously consider moving myself to some small hamlet where no one could find me (except for mom and dad) and just live out the rest of my life with animals.

I have no savings or retirement anymore. I have debt. I have no home of my own, no car of my own. What I DO have is guilt - guilt that I may never overcome. Guilt of being a bad person and what I did to x-husband. My guilt over the way I raised my son. My guilt over what sort of daughter I am. I need to go back into therapy but I cannot afford the copays at this time.

Tomorrow we are going up to the cabin for the day so dad (he has terminal cancer) can see it one last time. A whole bunch of us are going. I am trying not to dread it. Dread the emotions it's bound to conjure up. I want this to be such a memorable happy time for dad, but it's not turning out that way. Luckily tho I did dx his dehydration on Monday so he's been doing very well since then. And they're not leaving until Tuesday so we still have a few days together.

It's sad. I am selfish because this is NOT about me and I am making it that way.

(((Dee)))

IMHO if there's one thing worse than having lyme, it's having lyme at the same time you're going through peri menopause! That's been my fate and even my doctor says he feels so bad for me that I've had such bad luck - but he's VERY hopeful I ill get through this. There have been days/weeks/months that I don't even know what, let alone who I am (LOL???).

But the good news is that with antibiotics and BHRT I feel like I can see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I'm far from what I used to be, I'm finding that each day for the last month or so has been a little bit better than the last. Several months ago the depersonalization/derealization, and the fear they brought, were so bad that I literally used to sit down on the floor (sometimes I would also kneel by the toilet vomiting) and pray to die because I couldn't stand it any more. Now I'm back at work part time after having spent the last month going out and listening to music, going to movies, etc., things I thought for a while I would NEVER do again.

So Dee, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE hang in there. Maybe you could try an antibiotic again too.. and maybe trying BC pills would be a way to see if it helps stabilize things. Remember I'm here for you if you need me and you're surrounded by angels who will help you through this.

Love and Hugs,

Cindy

Cindy,

I'm so happy to hear you are feeling better and working. Amazing, day by day how changes can happen and that they CAN be good ones. I'm getting a bit better day by day as well.

((((((hugs)))))))
Mich

(((( not to take away from this post, but I am so glad that you are feeling better. I told you so! LOL! LOL! )))) If you can feel better, Dee will, too! Hugs to you both,
Shebee

Dee,

You have not posted in a while so I was thinking you were doing better until I found out differently the other day. I have no good words of advice since I am going through such similar things as you. I understand so much about the mental torment and the fact that it comes and goes is enough to drive anyone crazy. Since I cannot tolerate meds very well, I am hoping and praying that this does not last very long. I am thinking of you and want you to know that I understand. You had some good days so you will have some good days again.... keep telling yourself this.

love you,
mood_swinger

DD,

I unbelievably hear you......more than I can express.......

For I am where you are and I have no words of advice........all I can do is cry with you, despair with you, hug you and hope with you......

I have been having such disturbing dreams that I rang a priest! I hadn't spoken to a priest in years. Cryptic messages from God, the seduction of men who look like Botticelli angels only to realise that I cannot "get it up'(dreams reflecting real life?).......sweating, betrayed, rageful, scornful, isolated, yearning.......

I am PLAGUED!!!!

My shrink tells me that I am not mad(clinically, anyway) but she is worried about my extremes in mood.........I feel possessed and out of control......

Babe, I so need to tell you that I am near, that your post made my stomach drop.......not in fear, but in recognition......as a wise person on here confirmed for me, the endocrine system is too complex to manipulate.......deep down I knew that while desperately searching for answers.......I have tried a couple of things to remedy to no avail......so I just do what I can......and thats all you can do......

Much love to you and the biggest hugs I can muster.....

Michah

BUT we will emerge. We will emerge as beautiful butterflies. Butterflies with WINGS! Wings we can fly on

Ladybugs, That is a beautiful thought, I'm going to hold on to it. Thank you.

Dee, I have no words of wisdom for you but I truly know exactly where you are. I am so frustrated and angered that this "perimenopausal" thing has no obvious answers. Other than that, I can only second what others have so eloquently written and hope you are feeling better today.

Dee
My heart goes out to you. I began peri menopause in my late forties. I visited the practice female gynaecologist who tried to convince me to continue with the hell that every day life had become. I was suffering depression, lethargy, sweating, urinary incontinence, lack of libido, insomnia, anxiety and rage.
I didn't want to be peri menopausal and I wasn't interested in just accepting it as a rite of passage.
I got very angry and started researching attitudes about menopause and found that it is viewed as a normal almost desirable thing. This made me angrier. It is also normal to lose our teeth but nobody suggests not visiting the dentist.
Eventually I found an anti aging specialist. My blood work was done and my hormone levels including oestrogen showed as pretty good for a woman in her late forties.
However my endocrinologist put me on a low dose of estrogel and progesterone and instructed me to avoid sugar, starch and to eat a diet with high protein foods.
On my follow up visit she expressed surprise that my symptoms had been so severe and said that obviously my body disliked even a small drop in hormone levels.
I started Bio Identicals in April and now feel entirely different. I haven't felt so well since my twenties when I had an ovarian cyst removed. I'm convinced that this triggered a hormone inbalance because looking back I suffered throughtout my late twenties and thirties with symptoms typical of low oestrogen.
In the Uk there is little awareness or treatment for hormonal problems and we either go without treatments thanks to the NHS or go privately.
I feel that not enough is done to raise awareness of the horrible impact menopause can have on the life of a woman and her family.
I know of one lady whose mother was carted off for electric shock treatment and I have heard of suicide attempts.
Alcoholism in women reaches a peak at menopause - yet our plight is ignored by society.
One site I found useful was Beth Rosenshein Preventing Menopause.
I'm staying on Bio Identicals for life as life isn't worth living without our hormones.
Menopause is an engineeering flaw and I see no reason to suffer the consequences.
Please PM me if I can be of help
Louise

Dee
My heart goes out to you. I began peri menopause in my late forties. I visited the practice female gynaecologist who tried to convince me to continue with the hell that every day life had become. I was suffering depression, lethargy, sweating, urinary incontinence, lack of libido, insomnia, anxiety and rage.
I didn't want to be peri menopausal and I wasn't interested in just accepting it as a rite of passage.
I got very angry and started researching attitudes about menopause and found that it is viewed as a normal almost desirable thing. This made me angrier. It is also normal to lose our teeth but nobody suggests not visiting the dentist.
Eventually I found an anti aging specialist. My blood work was done and my hormone levels including oestrogen showed as pretty good for a woman in her late forties.
However my endocrinologist put me on a low dose of estrogel and progesterone and instructed me to avoid sugar, starch and to eat a diet with high protein foods.
On my follow up visit she expressed surprise that my symptoms had been so severe and said that obviously my body disliked even a small drop in hormone levels.
I started Bio Identicals in April and now feel entirely different. I haven't felt so well since my twenties when I had an ovarian cyst removed. I'm convinced that this triggered a hormone inbalance because looking back I suffered throughtout my late twenties and thirties with symptoms typical of low oestrogen.
In the Uk there is little awareness or treatment for hormonal problems and we either go without treatments thanks to the NHS or go privately.
I feel that not enough is done to raise awareness of the horrible impact menopause can have on the life of a woman and her family.
I know of one lady whose mother was carted off for electric shock treatment and I have heard of suicide attempts.
Alcoholism in women reaches a peak at menopause - yet our plight is ignored by society.
One site I found useful was Beth Rosenshein Preventing Menopause.
I'm staying on Bio Identicals for life as life isn't worth living without our hormones.
Menopause is an engineeering flaw and I see no reason to suffer the consequences.
Please PM me if I can be of help
Louise

Dee, it does sound so familiar what you are saying.

Six years ago I went onto antidepressants for all what you have experienced - now I wish I had never gone on them as I realise more and more it's all to do with peri symptoms and although am off them now - and have become photosensitive unluckily for me - I am hoping and praying my brain is sorting itself out now. I had good treatment here and had cognitive therapy and a good team come to my home - now a few symptoms are back but I am plodding along.

My brain is less foggy but am just hoping against hope I'm near the end and beginning the new "me". You are NOT going mad.

Jackie

Hello Dear Ellen:
I am sitting here on a rainy Labor Day with most of my chores done and thought I would check in at P-S. Ellen, it is so good to see that you are still here! Dee, I am sorry to hear that you are still not doing well. When you pm'd me, I gave you some things to think about and I will be glad to pick up where we left off, if you would like. I went through EXACTLY what you are talking about and finally seem to be out of the woods. For me, Lyme treatment was the answer. I still am working with adding in hormones, and am currently not taking any estrogen, but plan to soon.
Avi