An ache comes along and I'm sure it's fatal.

I just turned 53 and I am so depressed. I feel like my best years are behind me. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

I feel nervous and panicky most of the time. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I can't count on friends--so many have deserted me over the years I guess I'm just afraid to reach out anymore. The days are getting shorter and I can't seem to handle it at all this year.

I know some of this is hormonal, but perhaps old crap is rearing its head too.

I am in therapy, but I guess I should have started sooner so I'd be more "along" with it already.

How do I stop the sad thoughts and the fatalistic thinking???? I'm great at giving advice, but not great at self pep-talks and affirmations....

I wrote this I swear!

THIEF!

OK I won't be 53 until Dec >

Hey my therapist retired> my fault I'm sure

It was either retired or become a jumper> after hearing my complains!

Hugs Booky! I totally right there with you!!!!!!

ahhhhh ((((((booky))))) what helped for me (and actually turned me around!!) was to just live in the present. I don't compare myself anymore to the way I was in my 20's (or 30's or 40's!! yikes!!) I just try to be the best I can be for that moment.

People let us down because we love, and because we're emotionally driven. I could write a book on emotional pain, and loss, but I had to just let it GO. I just can't get bogged down in other's emotional drama. What's that old saying? "If you knew how little others thought about you…you wouldn’t worry so much about what others think about you."

The best years are only behind you if you want them to be. You have so much to give, were all just a work in progress, so keep going!!

Giving back always helps me get out of my funks. Not sure you have any time leftover in your busy week, but have you thought of volunteering somewhere? I use to read to pre-schoolers at the local library on Sat mornings. They LIFTED my heart.

Hang in there my friend. I didn't mean to ramble, just wanted to give you a big HUG and let you know that there is LIGHT at the end of the tunnel one step at a time.

Thank you Snowy and Leanne.

Being this way truly stinks!!

I kind of like my rut> pathetic I know!

Maybe i can learn to like mine, too....

you get tired of fighting it but I find myself very bored> living in the past> playing the what if game!

My rut is very comfie, it has my favorite pillows, my laptop and my TV and some books on the nightstand...oh and my cell phone which I pretty much text on only. I can burrow in there completely emeshed in the rutness (is that even a word) of it all. I know what to expect each day.... I know kind of pathetic. Though, I am venturing out of my rut tomorrow with a friend....I actually made a plan and plan to stick with it. Even though I am not all whoooo hoooo about it. I'm only doing it so I don't have to be turned for bedsores, lol....

I don't know girls, it is what it is, we do what we do and we try to make sure we keep our eye on the exit sign so that we don't get stuck in this rut forever. This too shall pass, one foot in front of the other as necesssary and as you are able. At least for me.

Take care,
Mich

My dear Bookworm...

You don't.


I believe that you are in "life review." Life review is a time in our life that we look back over things. It happens many times to us. A death, a betrayal, having a baby, getting old, and etc. can throw us into this miserable state. It's really not a bad place to be because it gives us an opportunity to effect changes.


Many times old hurts come up. We can do a few things with these.

Push them back down....

Put them back on the shelf, or confront them head on and deal with them.

The choice is yours.




If you choose to push them back down or put them on a shelf, it's ok, but remember that they will come up again and again...until you deal with them.
In life review, we go through the "death" type feelings. You know...denial, angry....acceptance (& etc.) How fast you go through this process is up to you.



Ok....were old...we have had crummy friends....we don't feel like exerting the effort to reach out at this point. Big deal.
(Actually, it is a big deal!)

Depression is a choice. Usually depression seeps in because of unresolved angry or due to situations that we feel that we do not have any control over. Our hormones also play a part, but look to the women who are suffering and they still seem serene. Don't you wonder HOW they do it?

When you have terrible thoughts you can choose to entertain them or kick them out.
However, I have noticed that there is some perverse pleasure in dwelling on them.

I would suggest that you punish yourself when a bad thought arises. For every bad though, you must say two wonderful thoughts OUT LOUD. Believe me, this is very effective. Soon your mind will start refusing to dwell on the bad. It takes a strong will and discipline to do this to your self, but the results are amazing! Just make a commitment and try it for a few days.

LOL! Life has a funny way of changing our actions and thoughts. It's ok to shut down for a while. Just like the seasons, our life has seasons, too. They are ever changing. This is a time to decide what you really like doing. Then just step out and start doing them. (before you die....LOL!) Life is really fun or can be, if you let it. I don't think that you are ready for BINGO, just yet. Hang in there...and just do one little thing that makes you happy...even if you have to force yourself to do it.

Best wishes,
Shebee

Shebee, You've just reminded my of what a wise woman you are. Interestingly, I find that I try to do just what you've suggested and it does work most of the time. I just didn't know I was doing it! I'm still standing and still laughing because of it. Thanks for the affirmation.

I have this off and on. I'm still pissed off cuz the cardiologist took me off the Lexapro. I've taken 10 mg a day for 5 years...never had to up it. It just worked.

NOW, when those fatal thoughts come on, I just picture my own funeral....and those undesirable so-called "friends" and family members going through my purse and my wallet...and I snap right out of it! LOL

Seriously, I take myself to my special room with my soft robe, blankets, pillows...and I put "Reba" on DVD if it's not on Lifetime or I read forbidden romance novels. It helps me.

I get these crappy morbid thoughts too. Or I picture in my head some horrible disease I have and how my loved ones will react, etc. It's so bizarre and creepy. I hate it. I mean, why do I do this to myself? It's like I have no control over them..they just creep in. But I do have control. The mind is a very strong thing, and can take over, if you let it. I try now to toss those thoughts out and preoccupy myself with something. Or I will talk to my hubby and tell him my wierd thoughts and he will show me how ridiculous I sound. Makes me laugh later. If Im really down and feeling "off", then I just get comfy on the couch with my 2 furbabies and watch a good movie. Something happy. I noticed that keeping busy is the only thing that seems to keep bad thoughts out. When I have too much time on my hands I sit and dwell on every ache and pain, and then my mind goes a wandering. There are days that I just obsess over cancer or some disease I may have, and the next day I am completely exhausted from all the mental anguish! I get mad because of all the time I just wasted on stupid things by crying, worrying and fretting over something I really have no control over. So my promise to myself and my hubby is to try and erase those thoughts before they take over. Some days I have success, other days I fail..but the more I do it, the more it will become like second nature and no more bad thoughts!!

Wise words my friend. I had to learn to live in the moment myself this year. Booky much like you I fell into a funk this past year (turn 50) seems like peri hit with a vengence to coincide with hitting the half century mark (hows that for a depressing description for turning 50, it didn't sound so great to me, lol, ughhh) So here we are and tomorrow is my birthday (51) and I'm okay about it this year. It's been a rough year, but, I'm here and getting through this peri junk one day at a time (much thanks to the pharmaceutical companies....they just don't get enough credit in my opinion, lol). Some days are better than others, but, after a particularly bad one, what I know now is that tomorrow is unwritten and may surprise me and be a great one or at least marginally decent one or even a smidge better

HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!!

Thank you Slo. I hope you are having a good day. Keep those good thoughts coming, it will get easier and easier as you do it. Mich

I find it helps to keep busy also to keep my mind from going in this direction. I notice that when I'm tired after work and on my way home, this is when they've been hitting me.

...and Happy Early Birthday, Mich!!!

jes

Happy Birthday, Mich! Hope you have a great day!





Senecaguns

I once was told that people who have Panic and Anxiety are actually smarter than the average person who doesn't. I didn't quite understand it at the time but, now I do. We analyze everything to death! Literally. For example, last week I had a biopsy of a lesion on my arm, and I work for the surgeon who performed the biopsy. And I had access to the path report online, well, ONLY MINE WOULD THIS HAPPEN TOO, the dictation machine tore up and I couldn't read the path! So I visually could see in my mine the path report saying "FINAL DIAGNOSIS>>NODULAR MELANOMA! WHen in reality it said "Benign Dermatafibroma"...So that was a sigh of relief, but I do have a history of melanoma at the age of 35. I'm now 40. So yesterday was actually a good day but this morning I woke up, and my left arm was achy, real achy, almost like a toothache, well DINGY me KNOWING I had slept on it under my pillow and had tensed up during the night...but NO IN MY HEAD I KNEW I WAS FIXING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK! Everything with me is either cardiac, cancer or blood clots! My best friend has anxiety also and health anxiety...So I texted her and she said NOPE you're just tense...I took a nap with my grandbaby today woke up and all was well. I have terrible thoughts in my head at times...I remember one time my husband washing my car and waxing it and in my mind I was thinking that I was probably gonna die and that this was the reason he was cleaning my car...Then I went through a spell of I had to make sure the kitchen was clean at night because I might die then it went to I wasn't gonna clean the kitchen because if I did then I was chinxing myself and I would die! That was all hormonal too...I had just had a baby and was going through the first bout of panic attacks and at 19 years old...It's awful when you KNOW NOT A SOUL whose ever went through it!

Now that I am going through Perimenopause....I think bizarre things. I m glad to read others do too! Even though I hate you're thinking it too! This will pass...My mom always says "THis too Shall Pass..." Thank God for Moms!

Thanks guys (i.e. ladies, ) for the birthday wishes, how sweet of you all!! I have been busy running today around like a crazy person trying to get all Xmas stuff done before the family comes over Xmas Eve. The house is looking so cute and hubbie decorated the outside and he did a perfect job. He was so excited to surprise me and I was so surprised when I got home and then the Christmas lights went out in the front, so tomorrow he has to figure out what happened. After 4 years he is finally getting on board with my Christmas must look Christmasy and magical mentality. He says he knows how much it means to me and that is why he is doing it. I know sweet isn't he? It is so fun to hear him say, "Oh this would look good here and you need something there". That guy is all the magic I really need, the decorations are just icing on the cake. Anyways sorry to get off the thread subject. Right now I am fighting a headache and lower back sciatica and trying not to let my "brainiac" self go down the road of "OMG" or "What if" land.... lol. I just want my brain to be too tired to over think once in a while. Happy Holidays to all of the ladies on PS. It has been quite a year hasn't? For some of us 2010 will be the year things start resembling normal, for some of us, we will continue to learn more and more about this thing called peri meno/meno as we experience some old and some new stuff. In 2010 we will be here supporting each other and any new ladies that will surely be entering the sacred domain we call Power Surge.

Happy Holidays most of all to Dearest, who created this forum where we can all share the ups and the downs of our lives.