Of you girls that have heard me before....here I go again......

Yet another round of heartache for me after a 'discussion' gone bad.

I simply asked my husband about us going away for a night somewhere together, and the response I got was that he would rather go with me AND our 9 yr old daughter...because he feels everytime we go away or out for dinner alone that it always ends in an argument, usually started by me - or thats the way he sees it - because I am asking him questions that he says he has answered before...like if he feels any love for me and like subject.

....about 4 and a half years ago he told me he couldn't tell me he loved me anymore, because he didn't feel it, although he does want to stay together and he feels he provides for us, does stuff around the house and more and works hard (btw, he is going to Iraq end of October for a year - coming home for 3 weekly visits every 3 months)...he thinks that is good enough for me, and the reasons why we have these HUGE upsets, is because I think we need to discuss our feelings on occasion.....because I feel so totally lonely in this marriage and don't know if I can continue like this, and yet I do not want to separate or divorce.

How would/do you girls feel about living in a marriage with NO love and affection or kind words, like 'wow' you look nice or have your husband give you a spontaneous hug.....which if it ever happens, it is so rare that I feel so joyful that he did it unprompted!

Anyway.....yes, we did try some counselling for a few months more than 2 years ago...but with him going away here soon, we don't have the time (he has to go on several training courses before he goes)....

Oh....my heart is so broken that I am finding it hard to keep going on like this, and yet I want to find a way to make it work, but he is SO determined in his stance
about how he feels and it doesn't matter how or what I say to him, I always seem to be the one looking bad, and he says that no matter what he does or says that it isn't good enough for me (which he likes to repeat often!).

I do realise that we are totally different people and that we probably should never have got married (12 years now)...but I don't see a way to move forward without him....we don't have much financially, and it is likely that I would want to move back to UK, and that of course isn't good for our daughter not to see her father etc.,

I see the future as very bleak either way, and I feel VERY depressed at either choice...I just don't know what to do.....I just want to run away, and yet I know that would not help in any way...I guess I am thinking of how I would get a reaction out of him....but he is as hard as nails emotionally, so I wouldn't get one!

I guess I am just spilling out my feelings, thinking it will help me feel better!.....thanks for 'listening' everyone!

I'm feeling your loneliness. Literally. I also have a husband who shows no affection and refuses to talk about what's wrong in our marriage. He stays to himself most of the time, sitting in the bedroom watching TV or napping a lot of the day away. He even fixes his dinner plate and takes it back there to eat and watch his TV. About every 4 or 5 months, I will try to bring things up again. Example....."Why don't you ever want to have sex?" His answer is ALWAYS the same...."I can't put it into words." It leaves me feeling useless, ugly, unloved, and lonely. Sometimes it ends in a huge fight and sometimes I just walk away because I just can't bear hearing him say the same thing YET AGAIN. We've been married 30 years and about half of it has been like living with my brother. The only difference is we still sleep in the same bed. Well, I take that back. At least I KNOW my brother loves me, because he tells me every chance he gets.

I hope your situation doesn't get as bad as mine over time. It seems like I woke up one morning and I'm 55, my marriage is in name only, and my youth is forever lost.

I'm on the opposite side. I'm the one that wants to be alone. I have no interest in having sex; I feel no real connected feelings, my husband is a good provider, doesn't complain much about things, does the laundry, makes his own meals, takes care of the finances. I just feel that he's disappointed me over the years and I have forgiven and then he does something to disappoint me again. This has gone on so long that I don't have any real feelings for him. We stay together because financially we can't afford to split and I don't want my son to be with a weekend Dad. Although on the other hand he may get more attention then. My biggest issue for the last 9 years has been how he interacts with our son. We don't agree on parenting styles and he doesn't come with us out to the playground or swimming, or wherever most of the time. I see many fathers engaged with their kids, but my husband isn't
that involved. Not to say he ignores him or doesn't care, but I am big on more involvement. When I see him giving my son a little more attention
it makes me really happy and then I'll show that to him and then the next day he'll be berating our son for something stupid and causing a scene and I'm back to living my own life in the same house.

So after 20 years the love light is gone. When he comes to hug me it's usually when I'm in the middle of something and I"m just not interested. If he comes in to my room (yes, we have separate rooms, he snores and he's bigger now too) to lay down and hug me I don't always feel like I want that.

So I'm like your husband. Maybe he has some of the same feelings I have. I don't want to say that you've done something wrong, but maybe in his mind there are things over the years that made him less interested. Then when you want to keep talking and he doesn't want to it can turn him off even more. That is what happens to me.

For me I don't know if it's just that I'm depressed now for years and didn't realize it; if it's the crazy unbalanced hormones, or a combination. But I don't feel the way I should and wish I could feel. I try, but then he'll upset me with criticisms, or something with our son and I'm off for awhile and not happy with him at all. And, again, he's a decent, good looking, okay guy. But, that is how I feel.

(((caz-art)))

The phrase "The Change" is not just for women! Recently looked up male menopause (andropause) and now they are calling it Aging Male Syndrome????

Still trying to decide what's worse my menopause or his?

Ha, Snowmoon.....my husband is 9 years younger than me, turns 41 this December, and I am 50 on Christmas day...so I don't think he has got to the andropause yet!

Corky....yes, maybe you are right, but I HAVE TRIED to be the person I believe he wants me to be, but it seems it doesn't matter what I DO, he does not seem to appreciate ME.

I have a good friend who has just separated from her husband on the same basis that you feel...only she is the 40 yr old and he is the 47 yr old, but they are not short of money and its making it so much easier for her......but I do feel bad for her husband, he still loves her and is very upset about it.

I just want my life to be enjoyable and not suffering.

Snowy and Caz and all you Ladies...
I'm sorry for all you are going through. I've been on both ends of this over the years......

My H is 42, and I am 50 a few days after Christmas day.
Like us women - peri can hit at a wide rage of ages.
Your husband might be *just starting* andropause.....just a thought.
Hugs,
MB

well, he didn't exactly say sorry...but he did ask me if I wanted to play tennis with him (alone)....which he never does...and later he actually said I look nice (which I did not think I did, as my eyes were all puffy from crying all day!)...which he also rarely does.....so he obviously felt bad.

Does not mean its better, but I think, if anything, I will go and seek counselling while he is gone.

(((caz)))

Ahhhh...thanks for the big hug snowy.....!

back at ya! (((((snowmoon)))))

((((((((((((((((((((((( CAZ ))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Sorry I have not been on too much,
bad back pain.

Sorry you are going through this.
Love ya,
MB

ahhhhh (((((caz)))))))))

All I can say is that I don't think I could be close friends with someone I didn't love, yet alone married to someone I didn't love. I was unhappily married for 21 years. No love, no affection, lots of loneliness. Now I'm remarried to a wonderful man that brings me joy and lifts my heart every single day.

This isn't a dress rehersal. This is your life.

Many hugzzzzz!!!

Marriages can be trying, they have ups and they have downs. But, if the downs outway the ups then I don't know what to say. I stayed in a loveless, terrible relationship for 12 years, the only good thing that came out of it was my son. I finally decided that I would rather be alone with the possibility of finding real love than stay in a loveless relationship where I knew I would never get it. It took me a long time to make that choice and trust me even with my relationship being so terrible and me knowing it, it still was hard to pull away, it was my comfort zone and like a bad habit I had to break. Having choices opens up your world. I have since married my prince charming so I guess I left when I was supposed to, took 1 1/2 years on my own to heal and then went and found my prince charming (seriously, lol). Relationships are so complicated from the outside we can all tell you do this or do that, but, in the end it is your life and how you want to live it. I only wish you a way to find joy in your life, if you choose to stay, then find a way to find joy and love from other avenues. Adding peri/meno to the mix makes it another cup of tea too. I thank g-d I found my husband before this happened or I'm pretty sure my prince charming would have turned into a frog and hopped right away, lol. As it is I don't know how I could get through this without him. You deserve all that is good. Please take care of yourself whatever that means for you. Mich

I agree with Leanne, about being married -
I could not be married to someone I did not love.

Anyone can go through chapters of difficulty, but as one of these Gals said, looking at good against bad -
well I think the Good should Far outweigh - meaning your bond, your relationship, since life and the world get a little crazy at times.

If you are lucky, they are your best friend - or at least one of them....
And you are theirs.

Nothing is perfect, making the best of life and having the best life you possibly are important.

Hugs,
MB

Aawwwww Caz, marriage can be such a struggle. I feel how you feel alot; and then I also feel like Corky 21! No idea what that means. I have always broadened my horizons insofar as I have good friends that help sustain me and spur me along. I am also enriched by a very loving church community. I am the only one in my family that participates, but my family does support my restlessness and pursuit of happiness in that arena.

Life is so very complicated and relationships are the most challenging in life. We love one another, but staying in love in the family dynamic is such a challenge. It does say something about the man's character that he is staying with you even though he may not "feel" it...xox

In my opinion, people are so unhappy it seems to me with the way things are going in this world and as a result are feeling so much stress. This wreaks havoc in the family home manifesting itself as anger and frustration. My poor young men have such a tough row to hoe and they instinctively know it. It's all my fault too They snap at me and I at them for snapping at me! I have high expectations of them and for them. I expect alot of myself and my husband to provide for them. I feel as though he and I are like hamsters in a cage. I did love him so very much at one time but through disappointment the knight's armor has lost its sheen somewhat and I feel downtrodden...and at times like a very old crone (sp?)

The best advice I can give to you is love yourself like you would your best friend. Spend quality time with you... If you haven't done so, read the book Simple Abundance, it's a wonderful book. Visualize yourself as a warrior princess and nurture your friendships! Escape to fairs and walkabouts with your gal pals...don't come home for supper and heck even spend the night with a gal pal!!! They will survive. This will sometimes feel like you are out on a "day pass" but so be it. Carpe Diem...

Bless you darling,
Suzanne

Just sending BIG HUGS to you Caz.


KathS

Thanks for all the wonderful support and opinions.....I can appreciate them all!

Most of the time I do manage to forget my situation and carry on with my life, but every now and again I just need a loving hug and passionate kiss (...and more, but I won't go into that!) and that's when I get really down about my life and where it's going.

I am trying my best to 'love myself'......and do try and take time to do things with friends as much as I can....but honestly, my friends here in the U.S. are all happily married and seem to have close relationships with their other halfs......but of my good friends in the U.K., 3 or 4 of them are separated or divorced, they're just not HERE!...which makes me more depressed not being around family and 'old' friends at this time.

Anyway.....my moan is over for awhile....until I get desperate for that attention again........

Sunny days will be here again soon......