So I've been given an ultimatum; "handle" the menopause stuff better, get on some kind of AD or my son and partner are moving out... they are "tired of hearing about you being exhausted and you're so moody and depressed all the time" to point that they think I'm serious screwed up. I've been told that I need to "just deal with it like everyone else does" about the insomnia and they think my anxiety is all in my head.

My son is 23, lives at home and has a very early morning schedule, but is up late with activities, etc.; he doesn't understand that with insomnia I need a quiet house to fall asleep, and his getting up making espresso at 5AM is a sure sign I'll be woken and not be able to fall back to sleep most days. I can't drink coffee (he drinks four cups in the AM and drinks it all day) because it really worsens my flashes and serious anxiety - seems that even my sister and brothers think I should just "stop being so weird and get a handle on your emotions." WTF???!!! How am I supposed to live with no one appreciating what all this stuff is?

Maybe I am depressed, maybe I have always been, but until the meno I could handle just about anything - now I'm so phobic and what I eat, what I drink, sleep, not sleep, stress, cortisol levels, flashes, you name it I obsess about it. I am TERRIFIED of AD's because of all the horrible stuff I read about them, plus anything that will make my anxiety worse? NO WAY.

How do you learn to live exhausted and anxious everyday and how do you keep all your feelings to yourself do you don't upset your family or draw attention to your issues?

i don't know how to answer this i feel bad for you and if it was me and i was given a ultimatum well i would tell them to go F themselves actually i would say then move out maybe i would have some peace and quiet. All i can offer you is hugs i am sorry. Terry

I agree with Terry , tell them to get out if they cant' handle it , sorry that's what I would do

We are here for you ,

Moozie
xxoxoxo

You're very sweet to say so and to offer hugs, thank you Terry. Its really perplexing to me, I have raised my siblings, raised my ex-husband, raised my son alone and did it all without asking for anyone's help, ever really. I never bothered anyone aside from just venting about life stuff in general (in my family you pretty much make your own way and that's how it is, no leaning on anyone for anything) and even in the worst, worst of times I figured it out - my son lived a good life, had wonderful opportunities, has traveled the world (a few times actually) and now that I'm at a place where I could just use some patience and QUIET just to adjust and rest, it's me that's got to buck up and stop complaining or "you'll find yourself all alone because no one wants to be around a ridged, moody person."

Christine Northup says now is when all the stuff we kept buried for so long comes up and its can get ugly - how is it though I can be experiencing something where I just need alittle patience and support and it isn't there for me? I know that's not something anyone can actually answer, I'm only having my own little pity party here because its the only place I've got to go!

I find what your son said to you to be so selfish and thoughtless I just can't imagine. My youngest who still lives at home (he is 16) will come into my room and lay next to me when he can sense I'm having a bad day and just give me a hug. My son is no perfect angel but he does have empathy. Don't get me wrong sometimes he will say "Mom, you aren't dying, that part is in your head" but he totally get's why I am so up and down sometimes. Who else do you lean on if not your family? Don't people realize NO ONE would choose to feel like poop if they had the choice. I have health anxiety, and just general anxiety. I finally had had enough of feeling like poop and went for my second try at an AD (Lexapro) it may be working (I hope) My hormones could just be in a good place this month. In any case, I'm hoping it's working cause I just don't trust my hormones to behave themselves for any length of time, lol. So, for me it's been Xanax and the Lexapro. But, it was MY decision, no one gave me an ultimatum. I'm sorry that you aren't getting the love and support that you have so generously given others over the years. Guess what, YOU are the priority now, do not allow others to diminish you or shame you. Get a sign for your front door that says 'NO TOXIC PEOPLE ALLOWED AND I DON'T MEAN ME!"

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all this. I think this is awful the way they are treating you. I also have a 16 year old son who is wonderful with me....often hugs me and asks if I am okay. I am sorry sweets but I agree with the gals here.......you can't take the heat boys.....out of my kitchen. You take care honey. xoxo

You are all so thoughtful, and honestly, my son can be thoughtful and he can be supportive, its just for some reason he (and no one else in my family it seems) wants to accept that mom can have weaknesses, scary moments, depression, anxiety, all the stuff that happens to anyone going through a rough time... we have this effed-up family dynamic that has NO tolerance for any show of incapability or lack of "soldiering through" sort of thing. Its exhausting just being in the family much less menopause!

Thank you for reaching out, it really does help to write it out, hear some feedback and know what I have to deal with isn't all about me being screwed up exclusively.

Cheers.

I am sorry for being so harsh earlier about this situation i know its hard to just tell them to leave but they do have to consider your thoughts on taking Ad its your body and you can do what you want. you are just gonna have to lay your foot down and tell them how you feel. hugs again Terry

Your son needs to grow up and get out. How rude.

Here would be MY thought:

hubby moving out?

son moving out?

house is ALL MINE!

I can go meno crazy and no one will know.

Here sweethearts....let me help you pack!

Seriously though...I have three at home. A 50 year old husband (who acts 14 most days), a 21 year old son who works, a 19 year old son who works and they are ALL driving me nuts! I work the 12 hour days and still do 90 percent of everything around this family and I am just sick of it. Now...my 21 year old is pissed at me because I have the op to take on a part time job in the eves 5 days a week which would turn my work day into a 16 hour workday and I am already exhausted after 12. HOW do I take on more???!!! If we could only say hit the road buster...or better yet we could just drive away and never come back!

THEY KNOW WHERE THE DOOR IS!

And just because you get on meds does not mean you are 100%.

AD's worked wonders for me. Saved my life. But, there was an adjustment period.

Obviously they have no tolerance for people who are suffering!

How thoughtless and uncaring!

Or, maybe they care about you so much that they don't want to see you suffer!

do what you need to do for yourself sending you hugs

Here is another perspective. My father is a very loving person has a hard time when someone he loves is sick or suffering. He can't fix it so sometimes he get's angry about. Eventually, he realizes what he does and apologizes or explains where the response is coming from and it is..... fear. Also, I think your family is thinking that if someone like you who has always been the "ROCK" is struggling it scares them. I'm giving them this benefit of the doubt. Frankly, I think all this "buck up" and handle stuff like a soldier mentality is not healthy. But, really ultimately people can only do to you what you allow them to do to you. Frankly, I hope you are not considering taking on that part time job. I myself took a break from work, on disability for anxiety and panic. Fortunately, I can do this for a little while and I am grateful. I do not have any list's I must do or the world will fall off it's axis. I am really really indulging my moods right now which says "keep it nice and simple and quiet". This is me. I realize everyone has a different lifestyle and different obligations to meet. We all have to find our own middle ground where we can take care of ourselves and still function to the degree we need to function. Take care. Mich

twistoffate.....is it possible that you don't realize just how bad you are doing?I mean no offense,it's just that if my hubby and kid said that to me,sure i would be mad as hell,insulted,etc.,but i would also take it seriously...I gave my husband that same ultimatum a few months ago....it may have seemed mean,cold and uncaring,but it worked and he is doing much better now.I said it only out of love and concern for him,i had no intentions of leaving,but i just seriously wanted him to get the help he needed.Maybe your husband and kid are only wanting what's best for you and to see you get better and thought an ultimatum might work.....

forgot to add....of course i didn't tell him to handle the menopause stuff better,he was dealing with anxiety,depression,etc. and wouldn't seek help,i couldn't stand to see him suffer anymore so i told him he had to do something or i was leaving...

I really feel for you. I too had the pleasure of raising my ex-husband and then raising my 2 boys by myself. Then you hit meno and it feels like you are falling apart. I was always the strong one, the one who never showed the outside world that I was hurting. In the last 3 years I have dealt with anxiety, panic and all sorts of symptoms.
Luckily my new husband is very understanding. He does try to avoid me if I'm having a particularly bad day, but I don't blame him.

I have been offered ADs more times then I can say, but I too am terrified of them. And I have gotten better over the last 6 months, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't let them get to you. Christiane Northrup has a lot of very good things to say about this time of your life, and you might want to look for the cds that she put together with Dr. Mona Lisa Schultz. They are excellent for understanding how our emotions can cause physical symptoms.

I have been slowly trying to let go of all the resentments I have over my first marriage. I thought I had forgiven him and left that all in the past. But I'm finding out that I still have layers of resentment to peel away. Find yourself someone to vent to, outside of your home if you can. You can always come here and share. We're here to listen.
And the men in your life currently obviously don't want to deal with it. I think everyone is right though, if they can't take a little of your venting, then they need to get away and let you deal with it in your own way.

You will be in my prayers today. I hope that you find the understanding you need to get through this time, and you will get through it, with or without their help.

My husband said the same thing to me not because he was actually going to leave me but because he wanted me to get help. He was very concerned about my health and how I was feeling and doing things. I know it is harsh but sometimes after you have been the rock for so many years they know for a fact they can't do things without you so they only try to get you better again.

It sounds like your family is concerned for you. Maybe this is their attempt to persuade you to seek some help with your depression/anxiety.

Like you, I intially didn't like the idea of starting an AD. After struggling for about a year, I finally relented and I am grateful that I gave it a chance. It has helped with sleep, mood & anxiety. I have also added hrt & feel I have my old self back.

HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!!
Really now is the time when we need our families to offer support and care. My son has said the same "in your head" comments to me and it only adds to our stress and fears.
Some people just don't know how to handle it when the main care-giver "mom" is not feeling well, it freaks them out and they act out. If you show them that you are seeking help for yourself by going to a Dr. they will become more supportive. So make an appointment if you haven't already and maybe you can consider taking a small piece of the meds they precribe to see how it makes you feel. I too am very phobic about what goes in my mouth and now even on my skin, lol, I went to the dermatologist this week and she prescribed an ointment that I am afraid to use and I have a yeast infection for some right now as well (used bubble bath) and I used monistate and I was sure it was going to kill me or make me feel weird or make my heart pound, it did burn like heck...anyway, so I can definitely relate to your fears. I use Bach Rescue Remedy Spray and Hylands Nerve Tonic from he health food store. I also take high dose vitamin C powder, b12 shots, iron and vitamin d3 as I was diagnosed with anemia and hypothyroid. The d3 is very calming and helps me to sleep when I take it before bed. I was prescribed all of these supplements a month ago and I started off very slowly by using only one supplement at a time to see how it affected me and I went from there, I am only now to the prescribed dose of things and I am feeling much, much better. I was also prescribed Progesterone pills and they did not work for me, made my heart race and pound, more anxiety and feeling drugged, so I stopped taking that. I also took a tiny amount of valium just twice at the very begining before I was able to see my hormone Dr. and just those two tiny pieces enabled me to regain some control of my thoughts and it was a welcome feeling.

I hope and pray that you get the support you need and deserve!!

Blessings,
Meg

I fully understand how you feel...my husband has made comments now and again....my daughter is only 9 so she's not at that stage yet, but it will come I'm sure!

However I'd be inclined to tell them to 'get stuffed', 'bog off' or worse (good old english terms!)......you need them to have some compassion, like I need my husband to have some too.....I wish there were 'men'opause classes for our families at this time of our lives!!!

be good to yourself...

Caz

Everyone has been so thoughtful and the replies are all honest and very insightful, but I realized after reading my post, and the responses, that I need to just get off my pity-pot, find out just where my hormone levels are at, see if my adrenals are all whacked out, up my B6 and B12 and keep on going... Im not interested in the ADs or the BHRT or HRT, so it will have to be something like, taking a new class, a trip, maybe learn a new language, anything to get my mind off all my symptoms and how I feel and just DEAL. If in fact a lifetime of ache and packed down stuff is surfacing now, then I say maybe I can get another tattoo, give myself permission to be whoever I want and stop whining.

They say meno can take up to 13 years so I only have 10 more to go - wee!!!

Thanks again everyone for all the input!

Well, at least you have made a decision to get the hormones checked, that will give you somewhat of an idea where you are at and you can decide how to move forward. Though hormones do fluctuate it will give you a baseline to compare to future tests should you take them. You have to do what feels right for you. I just hope you are truly taking care of yourself in the way you have chosen because you really want to go that route. Not because you have been raised in a family who believes you "handle your business" in a certain kind of way or you are a weak person. In any case, I hope you find something that helps you find some peace and calm during a stormy time.

Good luck to you and take care.

Mich

hugs, twist~~oodles of them~~enough to last you a decade ~~ and then some.

don't forget calcium, vit D and magnesium. i find these supplements, along with the B's, vital to my overall well-being.

keep us posted on your well-being twist ~~~ and what your new tattoo looks like!

xOxOxO

(((angel)))