Hi lovely ladies,

I was musing over the depression associated with Peri.......

My memories of Depression(as in clinical depression) where more defined than this bone-marrow melancholia. It felt like an illness that was all consuming. Could not eat, could not get out of bed, I felt like my insides where trying to leave me, I was suicidal all of the time and I lacked any cognitive strength in fighting it. The acute phases where completely debilitating and relentless......there were no good days. Meds made all the difference with this.

In peri, it comes with blunt force and leaves just the same within a day or two.......the general malaise stays all the time, but that is easier to process. And even on my worst days, I still can get out of bed and function, if not for long before I am back in the comfort of my bed. There is this nagging comprehension that this is not depression, but intense melancholy, spiritual fatigue and grief......and there isn't a pill for that.

I understand that some women have found therapy in meds like anti-dpressants and I am joyful, as this is not pleasant......but for the women that they do not work for or for the women who cannot stand the idea of taking them, do not despair. My psychiatrist tried to put me on anti-depressants about a year ago, before we knew of the peri and I was misdx with Bipolar. I was also on Lithium. For the first time ever, anti-depressants made me suicidal. Meds that I had been on before for depression and had worked a treat suddenly didn't work but also made me worse. What an odd turn of events. I tried 3 different ones that I had taken before, all with the same effect.

So I got to thinking.......I am not meant to take them.......that I have the ability to deal with this and I kept an eye on the cycle of melancholia. In saying this, I am in a privileged position. I am on a disability pension and do not work, my son is 14 and is able to take care of himself with guidance, I have a long history of mental illness so as unpleasant as this is, it is nothing new. I have been taught the skills through many years of therapy.

So, if the meds work for you and make your life easier, that is truly great as there is nothing like a bit of relief........but if they don't, talk therapy is a good way to go.......it has worked time and time again for me over the last couple of years.......my psychiatrist has brought up anti-depressants again as I do seem to have a tendency towards a persistent passive suicidality, but I instinctively know that it will make little difference.


So I talk and talk and talk about it with my psychologist........it helps.


Take good care everyone and be infinitely loving, forgiving and patient of yourself........I try everyday.


Big hugs.......


Michah

Thanks Micah !!!

I have been wondering about this for months.I had been dx with clinical depression the first time I ever went to a DOC and complained of my symptoms.He gave me cymbalta and elavil and within 48 hours I was not only SUICIDAL but also HOMICIDAL !! Worst effin' week of my entire life...wanted to die so bad.Kept hearing voices in my head screaming at me to kill myself and others around me.IT WAS A TERRIFYING NIGHTMARE !!
I couldn't figure out for the life of me why others called them a "Godsend " and that they changed their lives.Yet for me, it was the worst experience of my whole entire life. I kept thinking I was screwed up in the head and that's why they didn't work for me and that I had some terrible mental illness
I agree about the feelings of melancholy that come on quickly and than leave just as quickly.It is so very odd indeed. It is not that terrible awful depression where u feel like a snake slithering on the ground, the one where you can't even get out of bed or even hold up your head.It's a greiving like somebody has died or something, like acute sadness or despair.I try to explain it but it is very hard.Since all this Peri crap started I can wake up happy, by noon be sad (about god knows what) and than by dinner be angry.It is a wild ride.Prior to this, I was a very stable person.I stay clear of Psychiatrist because I am scared to death of getting a miss DX.My 15 year old was miss diagnosed at age 11 with bipolar, and personality disorder undefined and ADHD..it was a mess.It's like when one DX didn't fit after awhile they just kept on adding others.I did see a psychologist when all of this started because I thought I was going CRAZY, and your right it did help.She said she thought I had PTSD due to a stress full childhood. I had a chemically dependant mother, no father and my childhood was very sad, but I used it for something positive.So in the end I always say I was blessed because it taught me exactly who I did not want to be in life.Anyhow, not so sure about the PTSD but I did learn some good coping methods and cognitive therapy is a gift that keeps on giving.So thanks for your insight.

Absolutely, Nikki!!

Despair describes it perfectly.........and why not........we feel physically awful......

Ah yes.......PTSD.......that was also loaded onto me.......but predominantly I dealt with a rampant and dangerous case of Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoeffective.........I wonder(and my psych made the correlation) if some of the psychotropic meds I was on brought peri on in such a spectacular way. Some anti-psychotics and mental illness can effect the blood vessels in the brain which has negative effects on the endocrine system.

I am glad that your therapist could help, for whatever reason, babe and that you feel mentally better about your situation........that is what we strive for, no? Mental freedom?..........Good and bad days.......

You take good care, sweets.........and maybe those meds are not for you.......that week that you had sounded remarkably familiar. ......

Big Hugs,

Michah

Sorry babe........meant to ask.......how is your child now?

[quote name='Michah Hadley' date='Aug 20 2009, 08:49 PM' post='305303']
Sorry babe........meant to ask.......how is your child now?
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No change as of yet.I am not sure what to do.My family thinks that she needs this and maybe it will save her from a life of jail terms, I just don't know.She has always thought that the rules just don't apply to her.She is the one that was miss DX several times or so I hope.This is all so confusing.
Sounds like you have had a hard journey love, was it difficult to come to terms with your DX and did the psychotropic drugs help you ? And another question I was wanting to ask you. Since you were ms DX as bipolar did the lithium make you sick ?

Nikki,

Okay......20 questions, babe.....

How old is your daughter now?

What treatment has she had since the original dx's?(All medication, therapy and anything else you can think of)

What dx is she being treated for now?

Has she been in trouble with the law/teachers/other authority figures in the past?

And what behaviours/ symptoms is she displaying(along with the inability to regulate action and consequence......"above the law" if you will)

Not to alarm you(just out of interest) has your daughter been tested for Aspergers/ADD/ADHD?

The reason I ask, is that Aspergers has been discussed with me and I went through lots of problems with the law........not that the two are linked, as BPD is enough for poor impulse control.......but I have problems with emotional intelligence(EQ) although my IQ is above average. I really struggle reading facial expression or looking people in the eye if they are looking at me........I also have had to work hard at "social etiquette"........I have always been very well mannered, and I come across as self-possessed and confident but I have a "stupid people syndrome" where I seem to say the wrong thing to people that I perceive as being "stupid". Not a nice thing.......I can be vicious and narcissistic......but that is more my personality mixed with other pathology....

Gosh you could sit all day to nut out the complexities........tiring!!

yes, it was difficult to come to terms with stuff back then.......I had also just had a baby and single mother........so scary, big time! But with knowledge comes treatment and I spent much time in and out of my favourite psych unit! I have learnt much and become more "still"........I have worked at becoming a nicer person in general.......I have always been a very warm caring person.......just not very nice Lots of Defensiveness, I guess....

Lithium has never made me ill.........I was on it when I was first dx BPD and it made me a bit "soft" in the head, but not ill. For a child that is a very strong drug........I am a little stunned by that as I am sure you are.......can you get a second opinion on that? Even with the misdx, I did not get sick. I was also on an anti-psychotic, so who knows!

if you want to talk about what is happening with your daughter, I would be more than happy to, babe........there are some inconsistencies that I am concerned about.......as I am sure you are too.......it must be very difficult for your whole family........and as a mum, all you want to do is protect your kids.

Take care.......hope I have helped

Big hugs

Michah

Michah,
This is so true. Before I could handle the AD so well and it relieved my depression beautifully and I enjoyed being myself again. Well, when this peri nightmare began, I started back on it and this time I became suicidal and it made me so much worse. It was as though my body was rejecting it big time. My body chemistry had changed so dramatically w/ the peri and hormone flux.

I agree.... this is unlike any depression I have ever experienced. It is more like a sense of desperation or longing... grief as you said. A true state of unrest and bewilderment. Not really depression and nothing like I have EVER experienced in my life. I think the ones who are benefiting from the ADs may be in the earlier stages???? I just don't know.... I just know that each of us are so different, yet so alike as well.

You keep on keeping on and we will do this together!!!!

love and hugs,
mood_swinger

Hi Mood S,

Good to hear from you, sweet pea!! I agree entirely about the chemical changes.......I wonder I have tried to work out why from a neurological aspect .........oestrogen fluctuations....commanded by pituitary......pituitary interacts with other hormones.....serotonin......maybe affects serotonin receptors? HHHHmmmmm

"Homesickness" is another common feeling.........homesick for myself, perhaps?

Thanks for replying babe.........and yes, we are all in this together.......

Big Hugs babe......

Michah