My brother called asking for advise about his wife who is 50 and has been treating him like crap constantly. He is miserable and depressed and asks me if it is menopause and if he should tough it out and he expects this will go on for another 6 years (she told him that). I told him no way and to get out. Now, before you beat me up!!!!! let me back up a bit. I was raised in an abusive home where my mother treated my father like dirt and he took it so this is a family trait that is learned. I married an abusive man who treated me horribly for 20 years before I had a nervous breakdown before leaving him, and wound up with panic attacks, in therapy for years. I now see the patterns of abuse and soul sucking subserviance in my family even if they don't. My brother's wife has been treating him terribly for so many years and now she has taken it to a new level of full time. She has never worked and depends on my brother 100% so it won't be easy leaving her.

On one hand, I can sympathize with her because my anxiety and panic attacks are back and I struggle with them all the time, but I do NOT treat my family like garbage. I may cry and overreact and snap and snarl, but I do not downgrade them or insult them or blame them for everything. My brother calls twice a year and this is the first time he has ever asked for my advise and this is what I give him. I feel a sick pit in my stomach because I know how hard it is to break up a relationship but he should have left her a long time ago. There is no love in abuse. I don't hate his wife and I know that if I talked to her, she would make his life even worse so that avenue is out. He told me that she keeps popping pills and threatening to kill herself, but I've been down that road of emotional blackmail and it is just bull. She always stops short of taking the deadly dose, winds up in the hopsital, makes a scene and gets kicked out before getting help. There is 'suicide and a cry for help' but this nonsense is not it. I sound cold, don't I? I love my brother and don't want him dragged into someone else's hell. It's not necessary, and it's not an act of love to sacrifice yourself for ....what??? why should he stick around?? What should I do or say? Have I done enough? Should I call him and encourage? SHould I retract?

I admit, I am not only jaded and highly sensitive to the topic of abuse, but he is my brother. Thoughts anyone?

Angela

You obviously love your brother and want him to be happy and safe-do not feel guilty for that.GOD-bless

Hello,

No offense here but you should really suggest your brother to seek counseling for himself and his marriage. No matter how much you love your brother, it was his decisions that got him into this mess. Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to be rude; however it isn't right for you to judge this situation through your brothers eyes. We tend to take the side of the family member because we love them; however you may not be getting the "whole" story. Obviously his wife needs help and for you to say that her suicide threats aren't valid is way off base just because you don't like her and because you have an abusive past, your life isn't his life . Something to think about. Sometimes we are to close to the forest to see the trees.....

People who threaten suicide are doing just that "THREATENING". I'm not getting my way so I am going to tell you I am going to do something you will regret......tantrum. I some how doubt brother who only calls twice a year would even bring this up if he didn't feel in some form of danger/threat. I am married to a man that was abused for years and every time he tried to get away from it there were threats or she chewed holes in her arms etc. If this were a woman calling saying this stuff we would jump on the band wagon of "she needs to leave him"!

I say good advice whether she is menopausal or not, nobody deserves to be abused in any way shape or form!

That was a very good response you gave, I agree with you completely, especially your last sentence.

My dear Angela
My first thought is how blessed your brother is to have such a loving sister in his life
Of course you will always be there for him and offer counsel and encouragement but at the end of the day the partner who is being abused has to take a decision to either put up or shut up.I say this not out of unkindness but personal experience
I am so sorry that your sister-in-law is emotionally ill but if your brother continues to let her pull the blackmail stunts he is in a way enabling her.
Please believe me when I say I wish no harm but unless she is given an ultimatum to seek honestly the help she needs either seperately or as a couple your dear brother is wasting is his life and goodness on someone who is not able to accept love
You do not sound in the least bit cold.You sound smart.
Some relationships are not made to last and for the peace of mind of both it is sometimes wiser to call it a day
Maybe with God's help and her own efforts to get her act together they might get together again but if not doesn't your brother deserve somebody with whom he may share an adult relationship?

I wish you and your brother well
Your family is in my Prayers
Warm Hugs
Elizabeth

Thank you for your replies and both so valid and echoing my thoughts. Two sides of the same coin and why I am stuck. It is my brother's fight,and he has to stand up to her and take her to a counsellor or leave her, but he did cry to me for help because I know how weak and confused he is. I'm no stranger to suicide as I have been so myself over the years, and suicide is silent. I've also had a close friend who took her life and she never announced it before she did it. My sister in law is doing what my ex did and it is just using emotional blackmail. The odds are greater that my brother would be more inclined to be suicidal with the depression that runs in my family and he displays all the warning signs.

But this has become my internal fight because the panic attacks have returned with menopause and I'm having trouble gauging intellect with emotion with chemical imbalance. I feel like I'm in familiar rocky waters, but I've lost my oars and there is heavy fog and a storm can come up at any minute and I can hear my brother calling for help in the distance. Underreacting can be as harmful as overreacting.

I guess life is like that and I just have to play this out and pray for the best outcome for all involved.

Thanks for letting me bounce this off of you.

Angela

It's o.k. Angela
I too have contemplated suicide at one or two points in my life.I think what mainly stopped me is the heartbreak I would cause my children.Prozac has helped me a lot
It is perfectly normal to be experiencing mixed emotions.You have Menopause to deal with plus the fear for your brother's life and well being
Have you suggested that your brother seek counseling ?It might help him put things into perspective if talking to an outsider.
Also,God forbid,if you think he is suicidal there are helplines.
Actually I believe there is a time for action and you will know when that time is.

Please keep us Posted
God Bless
Elizabeth