Hello everyone. I have been going through peri really hard now for four years. I have been battling very high anxiety along with all of the other 34 symptoms and more! Of course, I am just not myself and haven't been for four years. My 25 year old son, who has always lived at home just got married this last June and it didn't hit me until after they were back from their honeymoon, that it was real, not a fairytale. He really wasn't coming back to our family home to live. He and I are very close and I miss him so bad that I honestly have trouble getting through each day. This has totally changed our family dynamics. Suddenly, I have no idea what my place is. I have a younger son who works and goes to college and a husband who works long hours. I feel all alone and like my life's purpose has all of a sudden been pulled out from under me. Family dinners in the evenings are no more, no more looking forward to everyone coming home and gathering together in the evenings. No more laughter......too quiet......which leads to my fears of the future, anxiety and depression. Is there anyone else out there who has experienced the same thing? BTW.....my periods are SO irregular....I went from Jan to May this year with no period and then had two in June 3 weeks apart. Thank you for listening

((HUGS)) I have the same fear of empty nest syndrome. Ds is 18 and is gone more than he is home, DD is 14 and DH works long hours too. So there are times when I have no clue what to do with myself. I have came to the conclusion I have no life.

Thank you Fried! I have no clue what to do with myself either and wake in the mornings with terrible morning anxiety and then just try to fight through the day trying to fill time. I am so tired of not being myself! I am used to a very active family. With 2 sons we were always running them here and there to whatever sport or function. I feel lost. I work for an elementary school and am off for the summer. I am hoping that I can find a new normal when schools begins again. I just have this terrible feeling that I can't let my son go, or that I don't know how to or do I really have to? Before the wedding I didn't let myself think of such things because we were so busy planning the wedding.

You are welcome

Hi Terri,

I'm glad to hear that you work outside the home. Although I do still have some of my children at home, I often think of what it will be like when they finally all leave. Our house has revolving doors on it (figuratively speaking). There are always kids, kids friends, grandchildren etc going in and out. I know that someday it won't be that way and I am not sure how I will handle it. My husband longs for quiet, peaceful days and nights and I am just the opposite. That's why I think I will probably work until they carry me out because I cannot imagine what I would do with my days when everyone is off on their own. I am sure you will feel better once school starts up again. You won't have so many hours to fill and you'll be a bit more tired at the end of the day.

Take care,
Donna

THank you Donna! Your house sounds like mine used to be. Never a dull moment and now all of a sudden, nothing. My husband stays busy by doing guys stuff in the garage and has seemed to adjust. He is ready for time alone with his wife. BUT, with this peri, all I feel is anxiety, depression, loss of libido along with insurmountable fears of the future. So sad that I can't get adjusted. Have been trying for four years. I have tried BHRT, AD's, and benzo's. I weaned off everything except the benzo. It is the only thing that is keeping me half way sane. I usually feel the anxiety horribly in the mornings and then less as the day goes on and then the dep hits. during school time, it isn't as bad, so I am hoping, as you say that things will get better when school begins again. Enjoy every minute of the household that you have now. Go all out and have the most fun that you can! Those long, quiet, peaceful days will come soon enough for your hubby! Thanks for posting! Take care! Terri

All my family, parents..son and grandsons and sister, brother, neice and nephews and their kids are all in australia and i havent seen them in 8 yrs...now thats an empty nest...my hubby has one son who lives in indianapolis so we dont see much of him.
so i understand totally how your feeling

Lorraine

Wow, I can't even imagine, my son is only 10... But yes I am seeing him get more and more self sufficient, and yes I see it coming... Here is the irony of life... When they are young, and driving us nuts, we so long for that one day, just one day to have a day just to ourselves, where we don't have to worry about what they are going to wear, what are they going to eat, what time for this or that... Then they grow up, and how we long for them to be little again...

Just last night, my son and I too are really close, and yes girls, I have a confession to make....... Something that drives my hubby nuts, my son loves sleeping with me still. So for the sake of my marriage , I am trying, trying to get more firm about him staying by himself... Get this, he comes up to me last night. Momma, please come lay w/me, daddys sleeping, please. I say, son you need to be really staying on own now, okay. Mommy loves you very much (you know the big ole momma talk)... Do you know what he comes back with, get this... But mom, you know I am going to be 11 soon, and I am really not going to always want you to lay with me, so if I were you, I would take it while you can.... OMG, too funny. Now how do you answer that....

But back to what you are saying, it must be a very hard time. We build our world around them, for sure. I guess that is why now, I am really trying to find things that I truly enjoy, so that when that time comes I have something.... And like my mom always tells me, there are always grandkids, and they are even better...... So there is something truly to look forward to, don't you think...

Hi Terri i am sorry you are feeling this way i was like this 2 yeaers ago when i moved like 16 miles away from my boys. They are 23 and 20 they live with their dad my ex. Yeah they use to comeover all the time when we lived like 1 mile from them but now its further and where we live in very rural. Yes i had depression anxiety when they did come over i would cry when they left. What makes me feel good when i miss my boys is chatting with them on yahoo messnger makes me feel closer to them. Maybe you can do the same with your son. i wish you the best Terry

Of ALL the topics on PS, this is the one that affects me the most.

When my boys moved out (a couple years after my daughter did) I was a wreck! I was divorced and living alone, so without them... well.. my whole sense of family left me. I stayed in bed for 3 days. I cried and cried... seriously... I was just LOST! All this in the very worst phase of my peri.

And then my g/f came over (I wasn't answering my phone) and almost beat the door down. She found me in my bed, watching any tear jerking moving I could find! Misery loves company I guess, and I was in a FULL BLOWN pity party!

She came in, threw the covers off me and told me to get my butt out of bed. I told her I couldn't. She said, "they are doing EXACTLY what you taught them to do! They have grown up, and are in college, living independent lives, and doing what YOU raised them to do!! And they're doing GREAT!! why, after all you've gone through would you want it to be any different??? WASN'T THIS THE PLAN???? Isn't this what you have been working the past 20 years for?? They are not only living THEIR dream, they're living the dream you wanted for them!! You have succeeded!! YOU DID YOUR JOB WELL!! Now get your a$$ out of bed, get in the shower, and let's go to lunch!"

Hummm.... sigh.... wow. She was right. Yes, they left, but they were SUPPOSE to leave. How could this have surprised me??

So... I began one day at a time redefining my life. It was rough, I'm not going to kid you. I struggled for several months. I took a cooking class. I started to work extra hours, and for the first time really got into my job. I went to the beach by myself. I started eating out by myself. I started doing a lot of stuff BY MYSELF.

5 years later.... I'm remarried. Happily I have been promoted at work, and travel for my job now, something I could never do when they were all home. I am never home more than 2 weekends in a row. I'm always with my friends, or I go to the kids, or I hop a plane and go to Canada to see a fellow PS sister! Funny how things turn out, because I love my kids more than life, but am quite happy now living without them. I just turned 50.... and honestly, I've never felt better!!

It's not an easy transition. Not at all. But don't get ****** into the sadness, because now?? It's your time. You have done your job, and done it well, don't let that one relationship define the rest of your family, or define you. You are so much more!!! Brush yourself off girl, there is a whole WORLD out there!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

hummmm i typed s u c k e d.... wonder why it was beeped out?? oh well, you get my point!!

Leanne,
Did you give your gf a great big hug for making you drag your ass out of that bed??? I don't know her but I LOVE her!!! She was (and you are) absolutely 100% right!

Terry, It IS difficult to let them go but that's what we spend the first 20 years of their lives doing, isn't it? It's tough to let them walk alone without thinking they are going to fall and get hurt. It's tough to watch them get on that school bus for the first time of ALL DAY SCHOOL(!) and worry that they won't like it or make friends. It's so very hard to watch them go out into the world and try to make friends knowing that there are some who will reject that friendship and hurt their feelings. Letting them go on that first date or driving ALONE for the first time, Oh My! And sending them off to college is the toughest of all but it's what is supposed to happen. I sent my girls off to college in other states far from home and it was tough for sure. I cried my eyes out for the first 3 months until Thanksgiving break! When I left my son at college for the first night it was still hard and I still cried even though he goes to college only 30 miles from home. It's the "letting go" of life that is so hard but so necessary. It allows BOTH of you to grow. For them, it's a time of getting to know themselves and the world around them...a time for an increase in maturity. For you, it's a time of realizing a sense of accomplishment. It's time for reflect on the awesome responsibility you've had and the realization of a goal...to raise responsible, decent, caring and self sufficient children. You done good, girl! Now go have some fun and celebrate your children's successes. They will always be your children and they will always need you, just differently. And they will always have success stories to share with you. YOU are in great part, the reason for those successes. Take a deep breath, be proud and let them fly! If you allow them to, they will soar!!!!
Hang in there Sweetie, it gets easier as time goes by.
xoxo
Jan

WOW! WOW! WOW! Oh my gosh! Gals, I am just blown away by these responses! I am in tears! Good tears! Thank you so much for your support! You all are just amazing! Lorraine, so sorry about your family living so far away, thank you for knowing how I feel and for your support. Are you at least able to text or phone your family often? I hope so. Becca...Jump into bed with that wonderful boy of yours and enjoy every second of it! Lizardlover...my son now lives 25 minutes away and we text often. In fact he texts me every night to say good night. That is a true blessing. I'm glad you are able to keep in touch with messenger! Thanks for your support! Leanne....your post hit right at home with me. I have cried for almost two months and one of my biggest fears is to live alone. I am absolutely amazed at all you have conquered and what a wonderful friend you have that came to your rescue! What a great life you have made for yourself and boy, do you ever give me courage and a hope that there is a life out there outside of my children and also a hope to find my own identity. I'm one of those people, though, that would love for all of us to live happily ever after in huge house somewhere all together! I just love family that much! They make me laugh til my stomach hurts and I am missing that right now. BUt nevertheless, you give me great hope. I'm so happy that you are now remarried and are your own person and have a great life! You deserve it! Jan....Yes, watching your child accomplish each transition is bittersweet and is hard to give up all of a sudden after 25 years. You are so right when you say that it is time for us both to grow. I have done good! Both of my sons are great loving, caring, God loving people who have much to share with the world! God bless all of you for lifting my spirits. I'm sure I have a while before I get past this but these posts have been incredibly encouraging! Sorry for the long post! Love you all! Terri

In three weeks I will be in the same boat, my last will leave for college, the middle one goes back too and the oldest is moving out in Sept. I am out of work due to the economy and am very down already. i am in total denial about this whole thing and will be calling up you guys for the same thing is a few weeks, when the you know what hits the fan. I am told to get off bcp;s for three weeks to do a hormone test too, around the same time, oh, my poor hubby. We love the kids being here, it is so full of life and I am so scared about the quiet days ahead. I will have to work two jobs so I am not bored. Hang in there, we are all here to help.

Sorry "enough" that you'll be in the same boat soon. I had almost exactly the same set up last year though I was not out of work. Can you and your husband plan a few day trips to get your mind off of things for even a few hours? Are there any free concerts or shows you can go to in your area? I always find that if I can let my mind/heart take a break for a little while I can better deal with the downside a bit easier. I know money is very tight right now but sometimes there are free things right in our own area that we forget about. I'm lucky to live near DC and there are SO many things to see there that are free. Also, we have a lot of free outdoor concerts, festivals and art shows in our area that it's not difficult to find SOMETHING to do on most weekends. At any rate, PS is free so if/when the **** hits the fan, we'll be here!
xoxo
Jan

just look forward to filling the house with the loudness of grandchildren... i didnt think i could love as much as i did till they came along...... and the good thing is you can send them home at the end of the day....

[quote name='enough' date='Aug 3 2009, 08:58 PM' post='301583']
In three weeks I will be in the same boat, my last will leave for college, the middle one goes back too and the oldest is moving out in Sept. I am out of work due to the economy and am very down already. i am in total denial about this whole thing and will be calling up you guys for the same thing is a few weeks, when the you know what hits the fan. I am told to get off bcp;s for three weeks to do a hormone test too, around the same time, oh, my poor hubby. We love the kids being here, it is so full of life and I am so scared about the quiet days ahead. I will have to work two jobs so I am not bored. Hang in there, we are all here to help.
[/quote

Oh, I feel for you! Please try to keep yourself and your hubby very busy. My hubby went through quite a few days of grief after my son's wedding. So the guys do feel some loss as well, but the bond is stronger with mom. Try to treat yourself to something everyday. Is there anyway that you can postpone the hormone testing so that you aren't going through so much at one time? Please let us know how things go for you. You hang in there too and take care.

It doesn't matter how old our children get we still class them as kids!

I will be a basketcase when my son decied to leave, he's my only child and I absolutely dote on him, my life revolves around him and I would give up my own life in a second for him if I had to.

He's just turned 14 so hopefully I will still have a few years left to enjoy having him around.

This thread has given me food for thought, instead of moaning about him not making his bed, I'll relish the thought that he'll be sleeping in it tonight.


To my son...........

I never want this to go unsaid,
So here in this poem, is for it to be said.
There are no words to express how much you mean to me,
A son like you, I thought could never be.
Because the day you were born, I just knew,
God sent me a blessing- and that was you.
For this I thank Him everyday,
You are the true definition of a son, in everyway.
It is because of you that my life has meaning,
Becoming a mum has shown me a new sense of being.
I want you to know that you were the purpose of my life,
Out of everything I did- it was you that I did right.
Always remember that I know how much you care,
I can tell by the relationship that we share.
For a son like you there could be no other,
And whether we are together or apart,
Please do not ever forget-
You will always have a piece of my heart.

I freakin' LOVE THIS!!!!!!

Okay that brought tears to my eyes.... Yes, my son is my only child too, and is 10.... I am going to save this poem, how beautiful is that...

And Terri thanks for your advise, you know some ppl say oh you are going to ruin your son, he should not be wanting to sleep w/his mom... So thanks....

What a wonderful poem elder! I am going to print it out and give it to my son. Do you ladies think that we really have to "let go" of our children? It just seems too hard for me. Is there any way that we can stay close, but not clingy as to drive them away? I know that my purpose in life was to be a mom, so how can I say that my purpose is over when they leave the home? I am just feeling very confused and I guess I am grieving as well. I am afraid of this second part of my life and trying to figure out how to live it. Does that make sense to anyone?

You're welcome Becca! Your son is very wise in what he told you about how he will be turning 11 soon......even he knows that he is growing up. Listen to him, he will guide you as to when it is time to start backing off on sleeping in the same bed from time to time. In other countries, whole families sleep in the same bed and live in the same house for a life time! I don't know why people are always in such a hurry to get their kids out of the house. I am just not one of those people. Like I said in a previous post.....I would love to have my husband, myself, my two sons, their wives and any grandchildren all living under the same roof.....in a great big house, of course! I just like everyone being a part of everyone's life......it is lonely without family. Becca...you are NOT going to ruin your son, he will let you know when it is time for a change. You're a good mother. Take care

We don't have to "let go"... but we have to be willing to let the relationship change. It morphs to a whole new kind of relationship, and it's just as rewarding! I was never one of those mom's that wanted to be friends with my kids (when they were little), they needed a MOM, they had friends, so a mom I was. Now I have wonderful friendships with my kids!! I haven't quit mothering... I still throw in my 2 cents as often as they let me but instead of instilling values like I once did, I try to instill confidence.

And yes...it IS grieving, and allow yourself that, but don't drown in it. While you're busy licking your wounds, their lives are changing and you don't want to miss it! And YES also Terri... it makes complete sense.

Celebrate yourself!! Celebrate THEM!! It's not the end of the story, just a new chapter!!!

BEAUTIFUL poem, elder!! My daughter recently got married. As we were all getting ready, in total chaos, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She said "what are you looking at??" I said, "I always knew I was meant to do something great in my life, I just now know it was you." I've told all my kids that at different times in their lives. I tell them they are my Mona Lisa, or my statue of David

What a legacy we have left!! I mean... REALLY!!

Me too, Fried. She saved me...

They say you spend the first two years teaching them to walk and talk and the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up! I have two boys 21 and 18 who still live at home and both work full time jobs. In todays economy I am in no hurry to boot them down the road. They are both saving up to buy property of their own. Actually my oldest wants MY house and wants to buy me the mini farm of my dreams!

You make perfect sense Leanne, thank you! I HAVE been drowning in my grieving. You sound so positive! Have you ever suffered from anxiety or depression? I wish I could get to the place where you are.

Not depression, but tons of anxiety. I was at my worst when my boys moved out. It was a rough time for sure.

You just need to get your brain around the positive stuff. It takes practice Before you get out of bed each morning, lay there and think of what is going RIGHT- try to focus on that, even if it's just ONE thing. Prayer, or meditation helps. Sometimes we're so overwhelmed by the negative that we can't see the forest through the trees!! But it's there! You just have to keep looking. Don't let your mind wander to the bad stuff, don't dwell on it. Once we get in a bad place, it takes so damn long to get out!! The more exhausted we are, the less strength we have, so take care of yourself!! I always felt like I was circling the drain.. just waiting to go down FOREVER. One day, I just decided to embrace the positive, and it didn't all go away in one day, it took time, but slowly I was able to crawl out of the fog.

Getting to an emotionaly healthy place takes a lot of work. It's easier to just dwell. It's PAINFUL to see things differently, but if you can muster the energy, it gets easier and easier.

I know everything you are saying is true......it's the putting into practice that is very hard. I have really bad morning anxiety and the negative, fearful thoughts just start to roll as soon as I wake up. I feel just like you said...circling in a drain, so hard to break this cycle. I do pray and do devotions every day and ask God for peace. I have also been journaling, but it seems like I just right down all of my negative feelings. At the end of every page I journal I have been trying to write down something positive. I have absolutely no reason to feel like this. I have the best life in the world. A wonderful husband, who has been so understanding and longsuffering, 2 healthy, bright, successful sons, great jobs, beautiful home.......anyone would look at me and wonder what in the world my problem is. How much of this do you think is hormones playing on the brain and brain function? I have been reading about how estrogen deficiency wrecks havoc on the brain and causes lots of anxiety and fearful, dreadful thoughts. I went 5 months without a period then had two periods 3 weeks apart and am now without a period for 6 weeks. Feel like i am just about to lose it sometimes or I feel depressed.

You DO have a reason to feel like this!! Balanced hormones provide well-being. UN-balanced hormones take that away. You're fighting an uphill battle with your own body. The missed periods, the erratic periods... your hormones are all over the map!! That's the worst part of it!! Low in one hormone one day, high the next! That's why it's such a difficult time! You are in a constant state of flux! Talk about drama! LOL

Lower the bar... get enough rest, eat well, don't make quick decisions. Recognize that this is happening to you, that there IS a reason, and try to deal with it minute by minute. Don't look at the whole big picture right now, stay in the little one.

Do I think hormones are playing with your brain?? I KNOW IT!

Hang in there, Terri!! Many hugs ((((Terri))))

I have an unique situation: 3 kids in their 20s/30 and one who is 17 so we went through the empty nest thing when # 2 and 3 both left on the same weekend and my dh came in from the garage with tears in his eyes saying "Wow, it's so quiet here...."

It was rough for a bit but we very, very, (do I need another "very" here ? ) quickly got use to us and one.....

We settled down into doing things the 3 of us liked to do (he was basically an only child) and now, at 17 he has grown into doing his thing (job, sports, friends) so we are almost on our own already...

Yes, I'm sure when our baby hits the graduation podium in 2 years, the reality of really being empty nesters will hit us as he's been our single kid in the house for so many years....

But as we thought would happen, the grandbabies begin showing up (our 1st, Julianna arrived 3 weeks early on July 28...a itty bitty beauty) and that will make the transition a bit smoother although still laced with a sadness of the closing the door on the everyday parenting routine we have done for 30 years...

So, to reiterate others: get up, take a shower, go see a movie, take a walk in a busy park and chat with others, feed the ducks, eat ice-cream for lunch, and embrace two things: you've raised your kids well and now it's time to enjoy yourselves!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs to all the moms as the kids heading off to college days are beginning....

Momz

Oh Leanne thank you so much! I broke out in tears when I read your post! I have had my self convinced that I am going crazy. It is so reassuring to hear you say that hormones are playing with my brain. When will it stop???!!!! I have been on a really big roller coaster for 4 years but if I really look back it started much sooner. I am now 48, will turn 49 in Sept. Great idea to not look at the big picture, to stay in the little one. I get really fearful thoughts if I let myself look into what may lie ahead in the future. I have been so stressed since Jan with my son's wedding and then after the wedding, my hubby and 2nd son went on vacation together to Vegas for 5 days in July and I was left alone. I think that is when I crashed. I had never been completely alone before. I realized what it may be like to be all alone and it scared me so bad that I haven't been able to recover; this on top of missing my newly married son. Thank you for spending so much time with me Leanne and thanks for the hugs!! You have been a blessing and a tremendous help! I hope all is well with you! Many hugs (((((LEANNE))))) Terri

((((((((((((((((((TerriC))))))))))))))))))))

So glad you liked it.

Thanks stitchnanny! I will take all the hugs I can get! Hugs to you as well!!!