Hello to all my peri sisters. I know this is long, but please, please read it...I need some support desperately.

I am so grateful for this site. I started feeling the affects of peri last June '08, right before my hubby retired from a 19 year position and we moved from Pennsylvania to Arizona with our two little ones (my son and daughter 28 months and 20 months) The first thing that happened was the panic/anxiety. I was trying to meditate one day and became aware of a ringing in my ears...it started to freak me out...like REALLY freak me out. I never noticed it before. Here I was trying to do something good for myself, and alll I could focus on was the damn ringing. My panic attacks started then. The tinnitus was all I could think about. Then when the attacks started happening one after the other, the panic was all I could think about...I felt like I was going crazy. Here we are, trying to pack and prepare for a major move across the country and I was losing it. I felt so gulty about not being a good Mommy...because good Mommy's don't have panic attacks or worry that they're losing their minds. My husband was just so frustrated with me...he was trying to understand, but he just couldn't...niether did I for that matter. I had no idea until I found this site, that what I was experiencing was peri. There were other symptoms that I didn't even know was part of peri...I had been experiencing them for a while...dizzy spells, wierd periods, insomnia and then last July I started having hot flashes, too.

After we moved to AZ last summer I still had some bouts of panic. The doc in PA had perscribed Paxil which did NOTHING for me. I took myself off of it and after about a month of withdrawal began to feel better again. I was handling the panic. Then in Oct of last year, my hubby told me the job he got there wasn't working out, we had to move back to the North East...this time to NJ (a place we've lived before). So we moved back to NJ in Oct. My attacks started again full force in Nov/Dec of last year can you blame me?), My hubby was out of work from Oct to May of this year...you can imagine, anxiety has been quite prevelent. I was controlling it though...until this past week. My last attack was in Feb...I've had anxiety since then, but no real 'panic attacks'. We were making plans to move back to AZ (because my hubby couldn't find work here) those plans came to a halt when he got a great job here in May (praise God).

Now he wants to move to Florida, the place he's wanted to move to since I first met him. His company has it's main headquarters down there and he wants to work there...he feels it's better for the family. NJ is very expensive and we can't afford much here. I dread moving again, but I certainly don't want to stay in a two bedroom townhouse (with two kids that need their own room) forever. So now we're making plans to move to FL before this time next year.

At the same time all of this is going on, my son was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder...he's been getting services from the state for therapy to help him and now he's qualified for full day Special Ed Pre K in the fall (praise God). This will help him tremendously...he is doing well but is still behind in his speech...my son is 3 years old. Even though I'm glad that he will be going to school...I feel like I'm losing my baby. He's only 3! He'll be going to school five hours a day...5 days a week...I won't see him. A lot of my relatives say I'm being silly...but I can't help it. My children are adopted from Korea. My son came home to us at 4 1/2 months old....I already missed time with him. I didn't figure on him going to full time school for another two years. Everytime I think about it, I want to cry my heart out.

Add meddling relatives and family drama to this and you have yourself a build up of stress and anxiety that is just unbelievable! Prayer helps me a lot and this site is such a blessing. Yet, there are times when I feel very alone.

Two weeks ago I was laying down and heard the ringing in my ears again (always there, it was just WAY louder all of the sudden). I began to feel a panic attack coming on. I quickly jumped up from the bed and distracted myself. But I was shaken by it. Now I feel like I'm always on the verge of having one. They are diff than they were...I'm not allowing them to overtake me....but the crazy thinking is there, obsession with my tinnitus again. Why is it that panic and anxiety take a small truth (like the ringing in my ears) and magnify it until I feel like I'm going nuts from it?? What IS that?? My hubby tells me to go to the ENT but the last one I went to said there was no cure, just deal. Big help. So I'm looking for another one but I'm afraid to go...I'm afraid the next one will tell me the same thing and I don't think I can take it right now...I'm afraid it will send me over the edge into the panic abyss.

I know my post has been long...and if you've read it this far, God bless you...I feel so guilty at times...I want to be a good Mommy...I try to give my kids everything they need...but they need their Mommy to be SANE.

I feel like such a failure.

I wish I could rewind the clock. I want the old me back.

Please stop feeling so guilty about 'not being a good mommy'. This is not your fault! My goodness, I was reading your post and getting anxious myself. You have been through A LOT, this would cause anyone stress (i.e. panic attacks/anxiety). That with the fact that your husband tries, but doesn't really understand and gets frustrated with you AND having two little ones under the age of four! Try to give yourself a break.

Have you been back to see a doctor regarding the ringing in your ears? Have you seen a psychiatrist regarding medication (anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drugs)? Or have you thought about seeing a therapist, just to have someone to vent to and maybe help you get perspective on your life? Are you taking any hormones to level yourself off?

I am new to this site, but already I have felt that the women on here have given such great comfort to those of us out here struggling with these awful effects of perimenopause and menopause. Hang in there and please, take care of you first. Because if you don't take care of you, you can't give of yourself.

Hello SirenSong,

A warm welcome to PS.

And keep posting,it doesn,t matter how long or short your posts are,there is always someone here for you.

I always believe the fact that if you "think" you may be a failure normally means you are ANYTHING but that.

And also "there are two things we should give our children Roots and wings"

And by the sounds of it that is exactly what you are giving

. Don,t be so hard on yourself, I bet you are a lovely Mommy

Take care KathS

The amount of stress you have been under is enough to make anyone feel that they are losing it.I am under a lot of stress right now as well,and it really eats at me as a mother,especially when my eight year old daughter said "why don't you ever feel good anymore?"I felt ill when she said that.So please give yourself a break,love yourself.Take some time for you,and remember GOD loves you.This is a great site with a lot of caring women-it really helps to just vent and unload.I do it a lot.GOD-bless and take care.

I read your whole post, because I too wrote a long post today and hoped someone would read. We all need to be there for each other. Seems like you have ALOT to be anxious about! I, on the other hand, feel that I have nothing to be anxious about, but yet I am. There is no rhyme or reason to it, and it doesn't make it any better. I gues my advice is to try anything you can to get some help. I have just started on Zoloft because I am so sick of feeling anxious, depressed and exhausted. I hear you about being a bad mommy, although mine are 10 and 15, I don't want to be that weird mom that was always "lying down" in the bedroom because she doesn't "feel good". Sheesh, enough already. See your doc and talk about what you might possibly be able to do to help you through. I surely can tell you that suffering on your own is the pits!

hi....
i had this exact same thing happen to me......was sitting doing nothing....with my dog......when all of a sudden panic attack and ringing in my ears.......then my heart started flip flopping which made the panic worse. this continued on and off until my wonderful doctor, who is very holistic btw, put me on the vivelle dot. she started me off really low and we've worked our way up. Things are MUCH better.........still have occasional head surges.....but nothing like before...........i don't know what i would have done without this hormone support. Still have occasional head noise........but i think i understand it now. I think part of the problem is really really ultra sensitive hearing.......like i can hear every little noise of the fans, refrigerator, AC unit...i mean everything.......when i'm having an attack, i can hear the neighbor's AC unit.......

anyhow, i shouldn't be writing now......my son is getting married this weekend and i have SOOO Much to do........i'll write more later.............

but it sounds like you and i had the same experience.

get your hormones checked............Estrogen, Progesterone and Thyroid as well..........

good luck

mary

First of all, I totally get what where you are coming from with your son.. OMGish, I stayed home w/my son, and when he had to go into pre-k (cuz everyone said it would be best), I just totally cried out in the parking lot, my little baby, oh how that brings back memories... Let me tell you, my son is now 10, well on to being his own little man, but he is still oh so mamas boy. We have such a great relationship, he is truly my sunshine....

Another thing, OMGish, you are going thru so much, you poor thing, you really are. And give yourself some credit, cuz you are holding up just fine. I also went thru the financial thing when my son was young, thank God, we were not moving around like you are, I can't imagine that extra stress on top of that.

You did not mention how old you are, and I am very curious... Hun, after I had my son, I literally went thru an emotional roller coaster. Back then I just thought it was the stress of everything, see my son was really really ill his first year. I just thought back then it had to do w/all of that. But now, being 42 and going thru the perimenopause roller coaster, I know now that back then, though yes, alot of stress, but I was always the strong one, the one that everyone looked up to for strength. Looking back now, hormones played a huge roll in what I was going thru. Good Lord girl, I could spend hours just recounting the hell I went thru, so I know what you are going thru, part of it, along w/the stress, the hormonal readjustment, it truly is.

Trust me, you will be fine, you and your children will have a bound that will last a lifetime, and for all eternity... It will grow and grow. My son and I, oh how I love him so, we are so close, and I truly see how special we are. You too will have that same bound. I use to be so affraid of him getting older, and just pulling away, I can't put it into words that will make any sense, but honestly, it just gets better and better. Ppl always told me I was smothering him, including my husband, and you know what I probably did, but at the same time I gave him love, I gave him Faith in God, and the Faith that he was the most precious thing in the world. In Nov he will be 11, and don't know what tomorrow holds for us, but all I know when it comes to our relationship, I had nothing to fear. I love every moment, and you will too. You do not have to let go of your kids, but you do have to FAITH that God is in Control....

You know being a mom, really helped me understand God's love.... Think about it. How much do you love your children, and just think how God loves his children. He loves you so much, and He is looking down on us, saying, Fear not, please my little ones, fear not for I am with you.... Think how you would feel if your child was full of fear, well God looks down at us, and see's this Fear, and says to us, Fear not for I love you, and I am with you.... You know, God did one thing that I could never never never do, He sent down His only child to suffer and die for us, for you, for me, for our children. Why because He loves us that much... And you know what, that is alot of love...

Have Faith hun, be strong... Yes, oh Lord knows I know how bad it can be... But God will see us through, if we only believe.... I read your post, and see so much of me in your post, do not think for a moment you are going crazy, because you are not. And hun, please unlike what I realized back then, a big part of this is hormonal, it truly is... You will find yourself, and you will be strong... Besides, you got all of us praying for you....

i see in your profile your 38, still a baby.....lol.... my mom had a hard time with the ringing in ears she still puts cotton in ears for releif ( 84 yrs ol)- hang in there , you have lil babes that need you, i feel for you, my last 2 were 11 mo apart, was very hard work, but now there grown and gone... enjoy the lil ones while they are that..... good luck

I'm your age and been dealing with this peri business for three years now. First I want to say I don't know how you are doing what you do with all of that stress! Second, find you a good BHRT doctor and give it a go! Or you could even try birth control pills they work for some gals our age in the fight against peri. *hugs* because It sounds like you could use one more!

Thank you so much for your post. It made me feel so good. Yes, I have a strong faith in God and it really helps me. I pray all the time. Like now...when I can't sleep...I'm up anyway, so I pray.

I really appreciate your insight with your own son...I treasure these moments with my children right now. They keep me grounded....if I only had to worry about how I was feeling...I don't know what I'd do. My children are a constant gift. I do know that this time with them is fleeting and very, VERY precious. One day they'll be out of the house and I'll be wishing the play room was filled with empty sippy cups, cookie crumbs and giggles again. I'm 38 years old, btw. It stinks having to go through this so young, but I have endometriosis. I was diagnosed with it four years ago, and unfortunately, the disease was already in stage four because I never knew I had it. Just thought painful periods were common in my family :] oh well.

I am very grateful for all of my life's blessings. Including meeting people like you on this board.

Thank you.

OMG, what are we sisters... I have endometriosis too, heck I was dx at 18... You know there is something w/that, research now shows that endometriosis is usually "high" estrogen...

Also sweetie, you are truly in the midst of hormonal hell... I started my peri symptoms right about your age, not too too bad, but started noticing a change. For ex, for the first time in my life, my periods were on time. At that time too, my periods started to get heavier..

So you got a lot going on... Don't let the dr's tell you what they told me, don't listen to them.. Sure alot of it can be the "stress" in your life, but I believe the "stress" just makes it worse for hormones as well...

But you do got one thing going for you, I so wish I had this board when I was going thru my 1st emotional hormonal roller coaster after my son was born...

Also just my advise, don't go on "depo-provera" they tried that w/me, and although it would help for the 1st 2 months, the 3rd month was hell. On top of that I gain like 25 lbs that took YEARS to get rid of.

If things don't get better, look into possibly have bio-identical hormones prescribed.... I haven't tried that yet, but I am considering that option...

You need anything, pm me... okay..

BTW, Florida is not so bad, the winters are beautiful... See I live in Florida, so if you ever did move, you never know could be neighbors... LOL Take care, and sending prayers your way!!!!