Hi ladies.

I've read this board for a couple of years now, since my peri began. I think I might be in fully fledged meno now as I've not had a period in 2 and a half months. I'm 48.

For the last 5 years or so, I've had a variety of symptoms, none of which were impossible to live with, but now my life has been turned upside down and I am such a mess, I can hardly function.

Almost 3 years ago I met a gorgeous, intelligent man 6 years my junior. He lived in the US and I in the UK, but we were able to sustain a relationship and saw each other every 3 months or so. It was difficult, but when we were together, it was amazing. Great sex, lots of fun, everything in common. He seemed to adore me and I was crazy about him.

Six weeks ago, I had one of my (sadly, a bit frequent) bouts of insecurity and rummaged through his email and found a woman sending him nude photos of herself. I called him and told him what I found and although he said they were unsolicited, we had an argument and decided to take a break from our relationship (his idea, not mine). It has been horrible. I know he continued to communicate with this woman (not a threat, technically, as she's even further away from him than I am, but I know he's rather enjoying it, to be honest, even though he won't admit he even hears from her), but never broke it off with me. He has told me he still has hope for our relationship, but needs more time to deal with it.

During this time, we ended up cancelling a trip in which we were to see each other and have communicated only once a week by email since the "break".

I have tried so hard to keep my spirits up, but I love this man so much and want to get back to where we were 6 weeks ago - looking forward to seeing each other and being "in love" and emailing several times a day, but he's not getting much closer (well, he is a bit, maybe, but so slowly it's almost imperceptible).

In the meantime, I'm a disaster. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can hardly get out of bed. I cry constantly. My poor daughter (17 years old), stays away from home because I'm so miserable. I feel old, ugly, past it. I don't know what to do. I know part of it is the meno, so I've been to the doctor to see if there's anything to be done, but I'm still in misery.

If anyone has any advice, I'd so love to hear it.

L.

I wish I could give some sage advice, but I'm not very sage. But have a hug anyway. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Please, PLEASE, dont invest anymore time and emotion in this relationship. You had every right to call him on his behaviour and he is now punishing you because you stood up for yourself. He is keeping you dangling on a piece of string and loving every minute of it. I know you are hurting, and I know it's going to be difficult to sever all ties with this man, but you really need to do it for your own sanity.

I had a very similar experience to yours several years ago. I'm also from the UK and had an on line 'relationship' with as man (from the US) for 12 months. I wont go into the sordid details but he decided to end the relationship three weeks before I was due to fly out to see him. I'd already paid for my tickets and could not get a refund. It was a very ugly time for me and I'm convinced it kicked me into full blown perimenopause! Looking back, I wonder why I invested so much time in this pitiful little man who exposed himself for the true coward that he was. He verbally abused me so many times and I stood for it. Why, I'll never know. I have many regrets. You will find someone out there who REALLY loves you. You deserve so much better, you really do!

PM me if you need support -

(((hugs)))

I tried to PM, but the board wouldn't let me.

I can't understand why he would keep me dangling. Everything was so perfect not 2 months ago. We emailed many times a day, and had seen each other in March and had a great time. He really seemed to love me. His family loved me and everything was so perfect! I can't understand why anyone would do such a thing.

I keep trying to send you a private message but it keeps bouncing back. I've left you a message on your profile page so I hope you get to read it. I'm surprised you haven't received more replies to your post as you could really do with more support and gain a wider perspective regarding your problems.

You say that your boyfriend received unsolicited mail from this woman and yet he is still in contact with her. Why is that? You also said that he still has hope for your relationship and yet he cancels your meeting? It doesn't make sense to me.

I am no expert when it comes to relationships, I can only bring my own experiences to this forum in the hope that it helps someone. I hope you get more replies! You need more opinions other than what I can give.

((hugs)))

Thank you so much,

I don't understand it either. It's been going on for 2 months today, so last night I tried to call him but he wouldn't answer (even though I know he was there).

It was the last straw, really, and as a result, I've called off the relationship via email and answerphone (how sad is that?). No reply and I guess I'm not expecting one.

I just can't understand how anyone could be so cold-hearted, especially someone who I thought was so much better than that.

I'm devastated and my confidence is at an all-time low. This was the last thing I needed right now.

First I am very sorry your heart is broken and that someone was so mean to you.Second I have to say that this is one of the main reasons we need to first be secure in a marriage before we give ourselves to someone.I truly hope your heart heals and that you find someone who loves you and is willing to commit.GOD-bless

I can't say what happened, but perhaps the experience of a friend of mine will make

you feel less alone. She was in a relationship with an attractive, successful man for

5 years. They lived several hours apart and visited each other on weekends,etc.

Then he broke the relationship off, saying that he "just couldn't commit" to

a lifetime relationship. She was devastated, naturally, and turned to her friends

for support. We all rallied around, but her heart was broken.

Several months later, she noticed that her friend since childhood wasn't responding to

her e-mails or phone calls. Several more months passed. Finally, one of her other girlfriends

called to tell her that her boyfriend and best friend had published an engagement announcement.

She is, like many of us, in her late 40's, and truly one of the nicest women you'll ever meet.

It will get better---it did for her (now 3 yrs. in the past).

Hugs---
Jan

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Feeling rejected and deceived is one of the worst feelings. I've been there a couple of times and it was rough.

Now, here's the thing, there is always one person in the relationship who is more into the other at any given time. There is always one partner who's more "in the drivers seat"
Seems to be he was in that "drivers seat" .He knew you were more into him and that he could control you. If this was not the case, any decent loving person would not only have apologized but would not have continued to talk to her.

Your insecurity has NOTHING to do with peri, it's called woman's intuition and it's a gift. You felt something and you were right.
You had every right to call him out on this. He got busted and was humiliated. He's a coward!

This hurts like heck now, but when the dust settles, you will see you dodged a HUGE bullet.

Ugh.........men!

Hugs and keep posting, Keep crying and get it all out. Once it's all out, you will rebuild your self esteem. For now, allow yourself to mourn.

Sweetie,
I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. I have not experienced the same thing exactly but recently I learned my husband of 32 years had had an affair so I know all too well the emotional pain and heartbreak you are feeling. I've run the gamot of emotions: sad, angry, numb, distraut, feeling empty, suicidal, optimistic, .... you name it, I've felt it in the last 8 weeks. It's been horrible and it's not over yet but I have to tell you, my dear, that you will survive this. The pain will ease up and you will be able to stand and hold your head up again, and sooner than you think. I still have times when I think I'll go mad if I think about another second but most of the time I'm able to function quite well now. I've turned it over to God for the most part (I'm a control freak so still hang on to SOME control!) and it's helped me tremendously. My point is that at some point you will feel better though I know you can't even imagine that now. Trust me, you will heal and will find someone who can and will love you the way you deserve to be loved. You are young and and there are a lot of "fish in the sea" as they say.
((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))
Jan

i am your age 49= and ive just gone 7 mo with out a period and then i got one, so domt be surprised if you dont , and as for long distand relationships ,....they rarely work out for the good,

Jan,

It amazes me how people can do this.. I mean, her childhood friend betraying her like that. How horrible. She must have been hurt very much by it all. I'm glad she is doing okay now

I am a GREAT believer in womens intuition --- works every time if we tune in and listen!

I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. I hate it when people emotionally abuse others and that is what I think he's doing.
Personally, I think we'd all be healthier, happier, and stronger women if we put more thought and energy into our personal growth and treated the romance part of our lives with less regard.
But, that's just me.

I hope you feel better soon.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I married the greatest guy on earth (I am a bit partial) and we were in a LDR for three years until he moved here. He was from England and I the US. Not all LDRelationships are bad news. I think you just got a man that could have his cake and eat it to. When the cat is away the mice will play. There are other fishies to be caught so chin up!

Besides.........you are beautiful and wonderful and will be able to find a hunk of a man that will treat you like you deserve!

Bethanie

This is all about him...Not you. Best you found out his poor character before you invested any more of your valuable time.

You are wonderful, loving person and deserve someone who will appreciate and RESPECT you.

Most (if not all) of us have had our hearts broken one way or another. I had a long distance relationship years ago before I met dear hubby and it ended much like yours--his idea, not mine. I found out last year that he died a few years ago and strangely, I did mourn for him for a while. But it made me realize that just because you love someone, doesn't mean they're GOOD for you. Take some time to sort out your feelings, mourn the relationship for a while, but then please promise me you will pick up and move on. It's a big world out there and there are many, many people--good people!

((((hugs))))

I found out that my husband is having internet sex. We have a son 9 yrs old. I dont work full time.

You are much better off, trust me, that you found out now and didnt marry the creep. Best thing to do is get your confidence, get your life, go make money, shop, have friends, travel, etc.

With the internet and men being so visual, it is going to be hard to find a man that is faithful in his heart. At least thats how I feel.

it isnt easy for me to pick up and leave with my little guy.

I'm sorry Peri, I think you are right, it is difficult for either spouse to remain 100% loyal in this sex-is-all-it's-about world but it isn't impossible. Have you talked with him and let him know you feel this is dishonoring to you? I don't think men view this as being unfaithful but rather innocent, better than the alternative. Who are they hurting anyway? Similar to looking at a playboy mag. But the bottom line is you are a partner in this relationship and the two of you need to agree on what each of you need. If it's hurting you, it's hurting your relationship and a good husband and a responsible man would take that seriously. IMO.

That being said, I do think a woman has to be willing to meet her mans sexual needs as well. I know it's often difficult during peri when the desire isn't there but.. it can't always be about us either. I'm not suggesting you aren't, just wanting to be fair and balanced.

My dear Friend
Yes men are very visual creatures and rather childish too but far better Internet Sex than
the many real affairs that many indulge in and we have had to suffer through
Please do not think I am condoning his behaviour but what about letting him know how deeply his Internet viewing hurts you.Perhaps he is trying to draw more of your attention to him as going through Peri does not make many women feel their sexual best .
He needs to listen to you and share your feelings together.Most men I know do have Girlie Magazines etc.Actually I think they never grow up
My husband owns and runs a Mens Club.I hate it!All the men are over fifty,married and trying to act like studs throwing their money on young women and drinking.Imagine this is happening in a Muslim country.Such hypocrites.
I have made my own life and frankly am sick of the whole subject.
Thank God I have loving friends and family.
So you stay strong,my love.
One day you will have changed things for yourself or come to terms with things and made a good life for yourself
I really understand
It stinks.
Good Wishes
God Bless
Elizabeth

Men might see it as innocent if they're looking at pornographic pictures, but what if there's a live person on the other end?? Not so innocent then in my estimation.