Since my posts are often such downers, I thought I might unveil some of my family's (and yes, my kids') "bad" jokes. You may have seen many of these in email form, but hopefully will bring you a chuckle anyway.
Well, here goes:

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. . .their kids were nothing to look at either.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "Elephants, coming over the hill!"
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on? Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffe's coming over the hill? "Silly elephants, trying to fool me again!"

ok, now, breathe. . .here's the last one:

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve FOOD here."

(boy I hope these are funny)

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

LOL, thanks.

Did you hear that Captain Crunch died? Yes... he was murdered by a cereal killer!!! Hahaha!

LOL

Love them!!!

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Rhinocerous?

ElephIno


What do you get when you put explosives under the kitchen floor?

Linoleum Blownapart.

"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

Hee hee.....I chose this one cause I am such a klutz. Good thread!!

[size="4"][/size]HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT U NIQUE UP ON HIM

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT TAME WAY TUPID

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT

U NIQUE UP ON HIM




HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT

TAME WAY TUPID

Ok, this isn't really a "one liner" exactly but it's funny as hell.

Groucho Marx used to host a game show in the 50s called the 64,000 question. Once he had this older woman on (actually, our age) who was dressed in a flowery dress, with heels and pearls. Very sweet but giggled constantly. He asked her the usual questions, "are you married, do you have children, etc.". She replied, "yes, I am married to a wonderful man for over 20 years and we have 9 children". Groucho got "that look" on his face and said, "Good Golly Madam, what would possess you to have 9 children?". She giggled and replied, "Well, I love my husband". Groucho's response was priceless. "Well I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in awhile!". Funniest line ever spoken on TV!!! or anywhere else for that matter. makes me LOL every time I think of it.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

LOL!

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

pretty clean....

Clerk: "That will be $6.36. 6 dollars for the condoms and 36 cents for the tax"

Woman: "Tacks! I thought they stayed on by themselves"

Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was EXCELLENT!

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted!

A dyslexic man walks into a Bra. . . (no offense to our dyslexic sisters)

Not a one liner, but funny



This one is for everyone who...

a) has kids
had kids
co) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I I was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this,' and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face..

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

EEWWWW!

These are too funny....

Why can't you hear bunnies having sex?......cause they have cotton balls....

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Did you ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? No?
Works, doesn't it?

what is the worst 3 words you don't wanna hear while making love....."HONEY, I'M HOME!"

Why can't witches get pregnant? hollow-weenies

Why can't gypsies get pregnant? crystal balls



Not a one-liner, but I love this joke:

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"


jem

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Corduroy pillows, there making headlines.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Yes! Many times!

A car battery and a jumper cable walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll let you two stay, but don't START anything!"

A man walked into a bar. . .his friend ducked.

Get it? Get it? He walked into a bar? A bar?

ok maybe not.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear!

Why couldn't the teenage pirate get into the movie? It was rated "arrrrrr".

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad.?

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Come on girls lets keep this thread going, we cant lose our humour...

keep um coming..

Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing homes..

I use to have a handle on life. And then it broke.

If you can't convince them, then confuse them...

OK gizzie, am doing my part. Unearthed from antiquity is this quote from the much-married Zsa Zsa Gabor:


"Daaaaahling. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every divorce, I keep the house."

These things are hysterical! Great thread! Here's my contribution...

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friends. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A third grade teacher tells her students when she calls on them they are to stand up, state what their father does for a living, spell it and tell the class what he would do today if he were there.

The first student called upon is Jenny. Jenny stands, says "My dad is a banker, B-A-N-K-E-R, and if he were here today he'd tell us all how savings accounts work.

The second student called upon is Jimmy. Jimmy stands, says "My dad is a cowboy, C-O-W-B-O-Y, and if he were here today, he'd show us all how to rope cattle.

The third student called upon is Chet. Chet stands, says "My dad is an electrician, E-L-L, E-L-I,E..." The teacher can see Chet getting frustrated and tells him to sit down and think about how to spell it and they will come back to him.

The fourth student called upon is Vinnie. Vinnie stands up and says: "My dad is a bookie, B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give us all 10:1 odds that idiot Chet is never going to spell electrician.

Confucius Says, Man who goes sideways through a turnstile is going to Bangkok.

What did the one saggy boob say to the other ?
If we dont get some support here soon people will think we are nuts .

Get it Get it ???? haha

That was a good one.

What do you call a woman with one leg?.......Ilene.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?.......Bob

What do you call an anorexic with thrush?.....a quarter pounder with cheese.

What did the left nut say to the right nut?....The guy in the middle thinks he's so hard.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?........breasts don't have eyes

What is a yankee?.....The same as a quickie,but a guy can do it alone

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.....one...men will screw anything

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?..........45 minutes.

How do you get 99 old ladies to say f**k at the same time?......yell "bingo!"

disgusting,hu?

WHATS MORE WORSE THEN A OCTOPUS ON YOUR PIANO?





CRABS ON YOUR ORGAN!!!!!!!!! LOL

OMG!!!!soooo funny...

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people that annoy me.....

Okay, I have to admit that this one is really only funny after a lot of drinks.

Why'd the kangaroo fall off the table.

Because he was dead.

Here's another - rather disgusting, but still clean. Again, much funnier if you've been drinking.

A guy walks into a bar and has no money, so he says to the bartender 'if I drink whatever is in that spitoon, can I have a drink on the house?'
The bartender, a little intrigued, says, 'okay, sure.'
So the guy starts drinking the contents of the spitoon (please don't try to hard to picture this - you will get sick).
The bartender is starting to get sick watching this guy and says 'okay, you proved your point, I'll give you the drink'
The guy keeps drinking.
The bartender is REALLY getting sick now and says 'okay, okay, here's your drink - stop with the spitoon already - you're making me sick!'
So the guy finally stops and the bartender says to him 'I told you twice you could have that drink, why did you keep drinking from the spitoon?'

Okay, get ready.....

The guy says 'sorry, I got stuck on a long one!!'

LOLOL!!

Great jokes!!


A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the phamacist, "Do you have cottonballs?"
The pharmacist replies, "What do you think I am, a teddy bear?"



Another heavyset woman walks into a pharmacy. She asks the slim pharmacist, "Do you have talcum powder?"
The pharmacist comes out from behind the counter and replies, "Walk this way, please."
The heavyset woman says, "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder."



Three men are seated in the waiting room of a hospital maternity ward.
The head nurse comes out and says to one man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."
The man replies, "That is fantastic, because I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

Later, the head nurse comes out again and says to another of the men, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"
The man replies, "This is so incredible! I work for the 3M Company!"

The third man waiting jumps up and grabs the head nurse as if he is going to faint.
The head nurse asks, "What is wrong?"
The man replies, "I WORK FOR 7-UP!!!!!!!!


An elderly woman buys a parrot at a shop. The clerk tells the woman, "This parrot was previously owned by a sailor and he has learned to swear a lot."
The elderly woman goes home with the parrot and every time the parrot swears, she tells him to stop.
He keeps swearing.
Finally, the woman tells the parrot, "If you keep swearing, I will put you in the freezer for five minutes!"
The parrot keeps swearing. The woman puts him in the freezer.
It seems like an eternity. He vows to never swear again.
Finally, the freezer door opens and the woman takes him out. She says, "So now do you promise never to swear again?"
"Yes, oh yes," answers the shivering parrot. "I promise I will NEVER say another swear word."
"Okay," answers the woman.
The parrot says, "But can I ask you just one question?"
"Yes," answers the woman.

The parrot says, "WHAT DID THAT TURKEY DO THAT'S IN THERE???"