Hi all,

I have a vent, if you don't mind....

I had a friend who I've known for almost 30 years... we raised our kids together, went through the stay at home mom days when a big night out was dinner at mcdonalds and commiserated our motherly problems with one another...

The years went by, her kids grew up, moved out, married and I was still home with 2 more and things began to show some strain as our situations shifted....

Then I went through the stage of trying to unearth what was wrong with me and she got very tried of my travails and always told me "we all had our problems, get over it..."

Sadly, in the last few years, she really became outright rude to me: critical of almost every aspect of my life with the a most hurtful being the multiple times she has called my one daughter a spoiled snob (which blew me out of the water as I have NO idea why she said that...we were struggling monetarily when she was growing up and spoiling wasn't possible: my daughter did do well in school, is a pediatric PA and married an atty, all from good old fashion hard work), rude, silent, and short when we went out as couples and when we went to any outdoor events, our husbands would walk together and she'd disappear and go off on her own leaving me kinda standing around alone...All in all, we were made to feel like she hated being around us...

Pathetic huh? And yet I still tried...desperate for a friend I guess...

Well, I FINALLY got smart and have stayed clear of her the last few times we have been to the same social events and recently and I made small talk with her as we sat at the reception for a bit including asking how her kids are all doing and she never returned the inquiry as far as my kids. my job, my life...just silence....

While at this same reception, she heard my daughter is pregnant and said loudly "I never heard a thing about it"...and I so wanted to say to her, "Maybe if you ASKED how my kids were once in a while, I'd shared it with you..." but I didn't...but there was a distinct slamming of the friendship door, who knows it will ever reopen...

The point of my post is that it hurts, even when you have been treated like s### by a friend, to realize the friendship has ended....

But I'll always wonder why it went bad...

I will miss her husband because he is an absolute sweetheart but I've had enough nastiness in my life, I don't need a friend to treat me like a loser too...



Momz

I've been through this before.
Here's the thing, you cannot take this personally. Most people lash out not even knowing they are doing it. Most of the time they are dealling with some underlying issue.
She may be evnious of your daughter and not really conscience of it.

Maybe you can sit her down, be gentle and ask her if she is ok and if she needs to talk.
If you get a rude reply, then walk away.

Most of the time when people are made aware of their ****** attitudes, they apologize and want to change.

It really does hurt. My own friend of 45 years (since we were seven) Is acting in a similar way. She has made a few friends down the local pub but if DH
and I try to join them her DH seems pleased to see us, but she gives me a sour look and hardly speaks. I keep wondering what I have done. We were always so close. She is going through her own menopause but says she is fine. They say people hurt the ones closet to them, but I can't stand to be
the easy target if this is the case. If she is feeling mean because of menopause it doen't seem directed at everyone else! If she does emerge from the other side, I am not sure there will be anything left for us to save.
I am sorry that you are going through this too.

Dear Momz,

Oh, I feel for you! It always a blow when someone shuts off a friendship & even more so

when you don't have any idea why. I join the others in saying it's not you, it is definitely

something going on with her. I know that doesn't take away the hurt feelings, though...that

happened to me as well, and although I never did find out why, I've finally come to terms

with the idea that it didn't make me less because she turned away.


Please know that we value you so much!

Sending you a tremendous hug

Jan

Thank you Peace, K and Tealover,

It helps knowing I'm not the only one that has suffered through this.

After so many years, it seemed like a given she'd be in my life but her treated is so harsh and I'm so sensitive right now, I just can't handle it.

She's always been a bit bold and caustic, saying what she thinks and all else be damned.

But it really was the daughter comment that sealed it....

The relationship has been teetering on demise for a while I was just a sucker and hung on, going back like a kicked puppy dog only to have her cut me down again....

Again, the saddest part is my dh lost a good friend too as he's so close to her hubbie....

So goes life...I guess the oldest friendships aren't always gold....

Awh, I'm so sorry about this!It's really hard to lose a friend, especially when you tried so hard & really cared about her. And, then not knowing why she was so sour?It's awful!

I have lost 4 friends in the past few years. We were all really close. We shared the stay at home mom days. The kids got a lil older, my friends got jobs & every single one of them have relationship problems. 2 of them split up & divorced, the other 2 are hanging on by a little tiny thread. I miss them all & wonder what happend. I have to realize it wasn't me, but in the beginning it was so depressing. To lose the gf's that I shared everything with. I don't have anyone now, ok, I think I'm gonna start crying if I don't shut up!!!!!It's really sad for me.

I think you are right tho, if she was being so nasty, you shouldn't be putting your good hard energy into something that is not working!!Hope she comes around one day!!
Amber

I'm sorry Momz! People can be so cruel at times, especially when they are themselves hurting in some way. They tend to lash out at those for whom they have always cared the most. When you are the one being treated this way however, trying to understand doesn't make that hurt go away. Maybe she is going through some tough times and maybe she's just a bitch. Who knows? I do know that if you've tried to BE HER FRIEND through all these years and this is how she's treating you now, I'd move away from her. You don't need this, especially at this time in your life. There's too much negative energy and I really believe it doesn't have anything to do with you. Take your positive energy and find another positive friend. There's lots of us out here!! Hold your head up and move on. We're all here for you, Sweetie.
Jan

Thanks again all...

And I have tried to decipher what could be wrong with her life and it comes down to really nothing: she has two fabulously successful kids, her health, a great hubbie who I love like a brother, job/money situation good, goes on trips all the time...sooooo....my depression (which is skyrocketing) tells me it's just the fact she doens't like ME and maybe never did..who knows?

But I lack friendships of great depth and length so I hung on longer than I probably should have...

If I was to be granted one wish in life, it would have been to have a freind who knew me from childhood through old lady hood and was someone I could lean and on loved me and helped me through the tough times...that's all. Money, fame, forutune...nah....give me a good friend, a best friend....someone to reminisce the years with and laugh at life even when it's not that funny..

Sadly, my friend circle has always been slim and now it's void of the oldest one I had...

Sounds like maybe you missed the signals ,, didnt you ever notice that "Its all about her ??", sounds like she is jealous about your daughters success .. Congratulations by the way !! Best to find friends where its a mutual give and take.

I have came to realize that sometimes when things are causing so much stress its time to walk away-hard as it may be.
I have a current situation that has created alot of family stress and it is beeter for all just to distance myself.

I feel your pain. I don't have many friends myself. Sounds to me like she was a bit jealous of your daughter. God is the best friend anyone could ever have. He will never leave u or forsake u.

(((((((((((momz)))))))))))))))


I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is so difficult to lose people when we move or whatever happens but this is much harder. I was wondering if she is possibly going through peri and instead of seeking a shoulder/friend that she is internalizing her feelings.

Jeaninne

These were my initial thoughts exactly - that she is jealous.

But I understand how difficult it is for you - to have had such a close friendship and now no more. This has happened to me before and hurt me greatly. I have never really got completely over it or understand it.

You sound like you have a fantastic family.

Take care

Jackie

Just an update:

My pregnant daughter, who joined us at an outing some mutual friends put on this past weekend and sat with us and my "friend", just stopped by (side note: just got back from a dr visit and is dialated 2 cm and thinned out cervix..baby may be showing up soon!!!) and we were chatting about this and that and out of nowhere she comes out with "What's up with so and so? She was so odd the other day, like she acted irritated or whiney about everything you said..I've never seen her like that and her husband is so nice all the time...."

How's that for confirmation that indeed, the friend has changed towards me....so I went on to tell her some small instances of how she's been acting over the last few years and she kept saying, Wow, I've never seen her like that....

..So I'm not imagining it.....

***sigh***

Momz

Momz...it only goes to reinforce a motto I embrace:
It's not you...it is never you. It is always 'them'

So often we sit and say, "wtheck did I do??"
In reality...we did nothin different. That's how
you know it's their problem. (Course, it doesn't
help in easing the hurts that come when a friendship
goes south. We just cannot let someone else's attitude
diminish our own feeling of self worth. You give
from the heart and that is priceless.)

It seems to me that you've been a good friend and
you have a nice circle in which you live~aaaaand a
new baby comin!!! How wonderful for you.

(Your daughter's validation of your feelings is fabulous too! )

its sad to loose a friendship. .she may not even be aware she is doing it .. my best friend and I have gotten into with each other .. but we always eventually come out and tell the other one that they have hurt the others feelings .. we work through it just like a marridge ,, if she really matters to you just tell her how she has made you feel. Maybe she will be truly sorry. its worth getting it out in the open though.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can relate in my own way. I lost a dear, dear friend almost 2 years ago. I was having lots of medical issues and she said, 'I just can't take this anymore" and that is the last I heard from her. It was heartbreaking. I tried to make another contact but she never returned my call. I am better about it all now -I realize she has to do what she feels is best. It still just stuns me that she could just "walk away" without seemingly any thought for our friendship or my feelings. I feel for you. Take care, you're not alone. Kathleent