that death would be better? I am NOT[size="2"][/size](I promise you) going to do anything - I just find myself writing 'notes' to all the people in my life,as to why I don't like life anymore .does anyone else have these crazy thoughts or am I the only one?

Its the hormones......I go through cycles of if I was planning my funeral would anyone show up? Its almost an OCD trait......very weird. My son has OCD and does the same thing.....has no intent nor desire to do anything.......just these strange thoughts.

when im in a baddd panic attack and think im dying ill write my good byes, then when it passes and i read them i laugh,,,( lord im such a mess lol)

YES! I have these thoughts. Every day since the loss of the "me" I was and since the start of this nightmare I have often felt that I would be better off dead. In fact, I keep telling God that he can certainly use my life to save someone else who might benefit from being in this world. The person I was is gone, but my suffering goes on. So why do I have to keep existing in this torment? You are not the only one.

Dee

[quote name='DollieDee' date='Jul 15 2009, 01:13 PM' post='297241']
YES! I have these thoughts. Every day since the loss of the "me" I was and since the start of this nightmare I have often felt that I would be better off dead. In fact, I keep telling God that he can certainly use my life to save someone else who might benefit from being in this world. The person I was is gone, but my suffering goes on. So why do I have to keep existing in this torment? You are not the only one.



Yes dee - that's how i feel! like I lost me somewhere along the way. Funny part is - when I don't have to go to work -I feel a lot happier. I wish I could take some time off. (like 6 months ) and do some different things. I have been at the same job for 35 years and I am sooooooooo tired of working ,I could scream! Yet - I have to work forever, cause I didn't plan things right during my younger years.(that alone depresses me) I am taking magnesium (500 mgs) and omega 3's. That seems to help a little . I really just want to 'play' now! I think that is my main problem - I hate allllllllllll the responsibility! thank you girls for replying!

[quote name='princessgod' date='Jul 15 2009, 02:59 PM' post='297308']
[quote name='DollieDee' date='Jul 15 2009, 01:13 PM' post='297241']
YES! I have these thoughts. Every day since the loss of the "me" I was and since the start of this nightmare I have often felt that I would be better off dead. In fact, I keep telling God that he can certainly use my life to save someone else who might benefit from being in this world. The person I was is gone, but my suffering goes on. So why do I have to keep existing in this torment? You are not the only one.



"Yes dee - that's how i feel! like I lost me somewhere along the way. Funny part is - when I don't have to go to work -I feel a lot happier. I wish I could take some time off. (like 6 months ) and do some different things. "


I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY! Any day i get to stay home and be with myself i feel a tiny reconnection to my old self again....its painful to have to force ourselves to do what goes against our natural happiness and needs, and during peri/meno especially!!!!

"I have been at the same job for 35 years and I am sooooooooo tired of working ,I could scream!"

OMG- you really just didnt say 35 years did you?????? I dont think Ive worked any job after 5 years - and I have no money for reitrement (or otherwise) either. Im actually writing this from my job. I swear i dont know how I manage to get here everyday anymore.

Anyway, you are more than understood by many ladies here, so please dont feel alone. I am off to take some magnesium now myself....


Hugs,
Dee

Dee,
It breaks my heart to hear you say this even though I understand exactly what you are talking about. You are not better off dead. God is using your life right here and right now by being a support to all of us especially me. Just because we are going through this, we are still special. Just keep telling yourself, this is not you.... it is your hormones. You and I both are desperate for some answers and I hope that we find them soon.

Love you,
mood_swinger

moodswinger is right - we've got to keep fighting! thanks

Yes, I feel like I lost myself, too. It always makes me cry when my friends at church tell me I'm not my usual happy self, or that I'm not my old self. I always tell them I want me back, too, but I have very little hope of that because my doctor and her NP just seem to think I'm crazy. Now with my abnormal mammogram scare I don't know if I'll be able to treat the hormone imbalance that must be causing this.

I haven't thought seriously about comitting suicide, I just think to myself how much easier it would be if this was all "over", or how a person who has died is at peace now. (I used to think about how sad it was for someone to leave their family or how sad their family must be.) I just know that if I was to even attempt suicide, my family would be devastated, and I can't do that.

me too hon -that's exactely hoe I feel and besides -i keep thinking a miracle is going to happen. try to take one thing at a time. and no -you are NOT crazy! hugs princessgod

Thanks for the hug. I really needed that.

I wasn't really waiting for a miracle. I've been on 75mg of zoloft for over two weeks now (had to go up slowly because it makes the anxiety worse if I go too fast). Every day I wake up hoping that the anxiety will be gone, that the depression will be gone, but as soon as I open my eyes--there it is. This is the third AD I've been on since the psych MD took me off paxil thinking it had "stopped working". It's been seven months now and I just don't know how much longer I can hold on. (without checking into a mental hospital, that is.)

I know that this is peri and the hormones are responsible for most of this, my paxil didn't just "stop working", but if I can't supplement hormones (just had an abnormal mammogram), I'm kind of stuck hoping the psych drugs will help.

i personally tried every anti-depressent and all of them made me worse! they really work for some people though. right now I am experimenting with 600-800 mgs magnesium and today i feel prtty good. I also take vit e, d, b's, and omega 3's (2 grams) Look up magnesium and depression and watch what comes up! i am feeling more peaceful today. some sites say that depression and anxiety is gone in 1 week IF you are lacking in this nutrent. I checked of every symptom. so i am going to try this for a month and see what happens. I've had lots of 'call backs' for unusual things duriny the past few years and they all come back negative. try sooooo hard not to worry hon!

Thank you so much. I was really trying to avoid the vitamin route. Guess I'm ready to try anything (I'm not a good pill taker and, believe it or not, it's easier for me to take a tiny AD than to take twelve horse-pills.) So it looks like Calcium/magnesium combo is what is helping lots of peri ladies. I've heard lots about omega 3's (2 grams!??). How about the others E, D, B's: what kind of doses?

By the time I'm done, I'll sound like a maraca!!

Princess,

When I had to resign from my job and defferred my degree because of these terrible symptoms, I had such huge waves of grief wash over me, it literally brought me to my knees. I was insanely suicidal for 6 months........then it changed to "passive" sucidality for a long time......I do not think that this is a foreign concept with the actions of hormones gone mad and the debilitation of self........does it help if I say that it does get easier, babe?

You take care of you, my sweet......there is only one

I just want to say that it is so sad to me our suffering is great enough to entertain such thoughts. Believe me, I've been there.

If men were the ones suffering, there would be a cure for perimenopause. There really would be.

But because we are the ones suffering, few people--even in the medical profession--even have a grasp on what it is, much less how to help us with it.

Keep the faith, my sisters.

sukie

hi MY FRIENDS -vit e - 400 iu , vit d -1000. omega 3's -2-4 grams (especially when just starting for a couple of weeks) 2 g in morn and 2g in afternoon. b vit's 100 complex -(50 in morn -50 in afternoon) right now i am taking mag 600 mgs (magnesium glycinate) is what is HIGHLY recommended for menopause. tonight i feel like a million dollars - have felt this way all day! I feel like I got a miracle and I only stARTED THE MAG 3 DAYS AGO!!! GOOD LUCK ! HUG

You're certainly not alone. I too find myself wondering if death would be better than this. I feel like the walking dead anyway.so there are times that I'm honestly not sure if I'm better off dead or alive. But, I guess when it comes down to it I don't want to die, not now and not like this. It makes me angry to think that if I died my ex will have gotten what he always wanted. And it just tears me up to think what it would do to my son.

But there have been nights, far too many to recall, when I would pray that I wouldn't wake up, because I just couldn't stand the thought of going on like this, having completely lost the person I once was, and not knowing if she is every going to be able to really come back...

With so many woman doctors out there, I would think there would be more research (and less of it conflicting) toward a solid treatment for peri/meno. As I was sitting in the doctor's office yesterday waiting to talk to the nurse practitioner about my mammogram there was an add on the TV talking about the effects of low testosterone on men and how important it is to keep the testosterone levels in the accepted range. I would have been livid if I wasn't already crying in terror over what the doctor was going to tell me about my mammogram. But in the back of my brain a little voice screamed, "ACCEPTED RANGE?? How is it a man's testosterone can have an 'accepted range' but I've had four different doctors tell me they can't check my hormone levels because they fluctuate too much and there is no 'accepted range'?? Excuse me?!?!" It seems like Dr. Vliet at least has some idea when and what to test and has put together ranges of numbers that coorelate with her patient's symptoms. Why can't I find a doctor that will at least try?

I didn't know whether to post this here, or on a depressed and/or fatigued thread. And I'm too tired to care.

I'm in another one of those lethargic, apathetic, depressed cycles this week -- I just want to go to bed and sleep forever. I have no energy. Totally fatigued. And my head is spinning again. I don't want to talk to anyone or deal with anything more complicated than what a second-grader could deal with.

When I get ready to leave work every evening I just leave everything a mess on my desk (it's too much trouble and far too mentally and physically strenuous to put things away). My head feels like it wants to explode if I have to concentrate on a task that involves even the slightest exertion or decision-making. E.g., sometimes even putting a piece of paper in the correct file feels overwhelming. Consequently I don't do it. Consequently I make my life more stressful in the end. I realize this, but I have trouble caring.

My self-esteem was at its occasional all-time low again today. I'm worthless, the lowest of the low. Lazy, unproductive, phony, what have I really accomplished in my life when compared to my peers? Is it OK that I have no ambition, and never really have? Sleep calls me, it's all I want to do. My muscles have become so weak, it's a vicious cycle. The fatigue makes me walk and talk slow, as if drunk. I promised myself I'd start exercising again this fall. Now I know I'll never do it. Because I just don't want to. I used to be so good about it. Never again. I should just stop kidding myself that I will.

Life feels pointless, what IS the point? It certainly all feels downhill from here. What are other people so happy about? Where do they get all their energy? I can't fathom it. I'm only in my mid-40s and healthy(!) but feel at least 80. I remember when I was about 19 there were times I felt 90 years old too. Maybe it's just me. I've always been prone to depression.

Every day's the same as the day before and on and on and on. Nothing in my life ever seems to improve, my standard of living seems to be slipping year after year despite all my work. I feel poor. And the world's getting more and more complicated and more competitive and people are getting smarter and smarter and ...
I just want OUT.

Or to live on farm. Or in a cave. Permanently.

I crave a simple life with few choices and few yearnings and few needs, and few expectations of me.

Maybe that would solve everything. I want to let myself off the hook and stop being a pretender and be the real me instead, not who my parents expected me to be, or what I went to school for.... I just want to be simple. Simply me.

Is that OK?

- My hormones and me, feeling particularly low today. (I've been doing OK on Estroven and CoQ-10 but I seem to have hit a wall very recently where I've built a tolerance? is that possible? Had a few palps and anxiety today which I haven't had in a long time. And the metallic taste in the mouth is coming back again. Job stress is partly to blame....)

That's right, alinam.

It's sooooooooooooooo simple for them, isn't it! (said in sarcastic tone) I'm SICK OF IT.

Makes me angry too. I've always been generally angry at men (admittedly) .. simply for being men. I suspect I have a TON of displaced, buried generalized anger in my system. A lot of "issues". This could a big factor in my depression.

And I HATE that about myself. It distresses me! I want to love men. I just feel so jealous of them. And of women who are completely happy being women.

Yes.

I get so disgusted with the way this world has become -- people becoming more self-centered every day, nobody giving a damn about the world around them, people beating and killing their children left and right, corrupt governments, drug dealers, people like Bernie Madoff ripping off people for decades just so he can have an extra boat. And in my area of the country (East Texas Bible Belt) we have tons of people who claim to be God-fearing souls who sit in church every Sunday then spend the rest of the week screwing over everybody in town. 1/2 the men in this county claim to be preachers, and they are the most lying cheating ones in the bunch! Oh, and did I mention that I lost my job in December 2001 in the Enron collapse?

The combination of all the above and the misery I've been through with all this peri crap the last 5 years has about sent me over the edge. I don't won't to be dead in the way of "Goodbye cruel world!" It's more like I just don't wanna be on this planet anymore. If there was somewhere else I could relocate to, I would do it. But everywhere is the same. And I couldn't run from peri anyway.

I want you to know that you guys feel exactly how I feel. I was fortunate in that I did it. I finally just said "I can't do this any more" (go into work) Everyday was torture, every body part hurt, my anxiety and panic was through the roof and kept trying to troop on like I have done my whole life. I didn't want to let my co workers down, (forget about me, lol). Finally, I just went to the Dr and said I can't do one more day, it was too much outside stimulation, my nerves were shot. I've been home about a month, have another month off and might even take one more month. It has done me a world of good. Honestly, I have just mainly hibernated and didn't require a whole lot of myself, all pressure off. Thankfully, I have a supportive and understanding husband. Started an AD (Lexapro) used some Xanax, and slowly am feeling calmer. I don't do what I don't want to do, I do what I want. Seems self absorbed I know, but, honestly I just don't feel guilty about it. I am kind to my husband and give him props all the time for his kindness and understanding toward me. Can't say I'm in a rush to go back into the world right now. I feel like this is necessary to my emotional and physical transition. I have had a very stormy life (prior to the last 6 years which have been great). Decompressing like I am feels fabulous. I wish anyone who needed to do this could without feeling guilty. I know financial concerns is the main reason many women just don't have this option. I just hope they give themselves the chance to indulge this side of themselves whenever they need to or want to. I wish you all moments of peace and serenity throughout your indiv. journeys. Take care all, Mich

Update on my situation.

Guess what - I should have known. I had a deep depression Monday of this week (today is Thursday) ... it was both a physical weight and a lethargy (like a heavy, heavy alcoholically depressed nervous system) AND a mental/emotional darkness.

Was in a mood wanting to quit everything, check out of life. Bad thoughts about myself, worthless, etc.

Well, wouldn't you know it, if lifted Wednesday morning. Just 100x better all of a sudden! Today was fine too.
And you lo and behold. Bingo: I got my period this morning. First time in about 6 months! I should've got a clue by the little zit under my nose the other day. A harbinger of the period. LOL

Bottom line: I firmly believe that (in my case) (and probably in other people's cases) depression is often caused by a temporary hormonal swing. IOW (duh!) -- it was probably a case of PMS.