Hey ladies,

A few months back, I went along with my preggie daughter to her ultrasound and hanging on the wall of the waiting area was a call out for middle aged women (ohhh that sounds oldddddd ) who are suffering depression AND were sexually abused as a child....sadly, I fit that criteria so I called up this morning (following a huge slump of self esteem and having the worthlessness wash over me) and was given an intake meeting which then got me a 2 hour session next month..... This is a research study that is going on and I'm thinking the whole "right place; right time" and finding this call out hanging on the wall was a meant to be.....

I did go to a psychiatrist 5 years ago and shared the sexual abuse with him and he poo-poo-ed it and actually told me that repressed memories weren't going to be talked about....and then, after a session, I walk out to the waiting room and who is sittting there? The man who abused me!!!!!! How's that for a kick in the proverbial teeth!!!!!

Didn't go many more times before I was declared "OK"...and here I sit, STILL battling me self hate and
lack of hope....

So much for shrinks

Ok, there's a lot riding on this as I feel as though somedays, I'm just a step from getting through the fog only to have it envelope me like a dark blanket and I sink to the bottom....

Counting the days!!!! I have so much I want to do and am tired of backsliding into the gloom and doom....

Hugs to all who walk this walk...

Momz

OMG what the heck???

good thoughts to you

Thanks.

And can you believe it: one of the many abusers I was seeking some emotional freedom from was sitting in the very same psychiatric office as me!!!!!! And I'm in a fairly large city so it's not like he was the only psy. in town!!!!

I try to use it to a positive and think he was as tortured by what he did to young girls as we were from what he did but it still comes out an uneven fight.....

He had the choice: We didn't. And he used that well known technique in the abuser world: smooze everyone around you and they won't even know he's molesting the kids in the room right under their noses. And if the kids say anything (which they did) the response will be (which it was): "NOOOOOO not him. He's great, funny, smart, rich....HE'S not a child molester. You must have done something wrong!!!!"

There has to be a special place in Hell for these monsters....

Momz

Keep us posted on how your session goes. There are a lot of women here who may benefit from what you are able to share.

Sending prayers and hugs your way.

I hope he roasts!!

Each day I receive into my inbox an inspirational thought from the Daily OM. This is the one I got today. Having come from a background very similar to your own I feel confident in posting this up for you. In fact it struck me odd that I would get this particular passage today.....You are only in the baby steps of coming back from this trauma but when all is said and done.....you will learn something about yourself.....and ultimately be able to share your journey with those who hurt also. This is what I try to do in my work. Keep moving forward. I am right behind you every step.




Healing with Hurt
Using Your Pain To Help Others

Pain is a fact of being and one that permeates all of our lives to some degree. Since the hurt we feel may be a part of the experiences that have touched us most deeply, we are often loathe to let it go. It is frequently easier to keep our pain at our sides, where it acts as a shield that shelters us from others and gives us an identity—that of victim—from which we can draw bitter strength. However, pain’s universality can also empower us to use our hurt to help others heal. Since no pain is any greater or more profound than any other, what you feel can give you the ability to help bring about the recovery of individuals whose hurts are both similar to and vastly different from your own. You can channel your pain into transformative and healing love that aids you in helping individuals on a one-to-one basis and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world.

The capacity to heal others evolves naturally within those who are ready to disassociate themselves from their identity as victims. In fact, the simple decision to put aside the pain we have carried is what grants us the strength to redeem that pain through service. There are many ways to use the hurt you feel to help others. Your pain gives you a unique insight into the minds of people who have experienced trauma and heartache. You can draw from the wellspring of strength that allowed you to emerge on the other side of a painful experience and pass that strength to individuals still suffering from their wounds. You may be able to council individuals in need by showing them the coping methods that have helped you survive or simply by offering sympathy. A kinship can develop that allows you to relate more closely with those you are trying to aid and comfort.

Helping others can be a restorative experience that makes your own heart grow stronger. In channeling your pain into compassionate service and watching others successfully recover, you may feel a sense of euphoria that leads to increased feelings of self-worth and optimism. Your courageous decision to reach out to others can be the best way to declare to yourself and the world that your pain didn’t defeat you, and in fact it helped you heal.

Medium At Large

Good, good post!

i beleive you,ve probably could of gotton away with murder at that point in time, every thing im sure was documented !!! thats what i would of done ..... good luck to you, peace be with you

Yes it was Bella and so apropo for me today. We all struggle with issues that cloud our view and this passage blew the darkness of my day aside and akin to a splash of cold water, woke me up to the fact that sometimes, we have the answer sitting directly in front of us but we often are looking too far ahead. Medium has passed along some wonderful words of encouragement and it is my hope, after my healing, I too can do the same.

As I wrote to her:

"To carry a load of pain up the mountain and then joyously toss it into the abyss as to free your soul would be for naught if we did not share our journey with others whose souls are also weighed down."

Such is God's gift; it is our job to honor that which each of us has been handed. Too often, our negative voices drowned out our calling. May your naysayers be few and your calling be loud.

Peace,
Momz

Dear Momz,

I have read some of your posts and my heart was touched by the courage you have shown.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you were hurt again when you sought help.

To be a survivor, not a victim, requires so much strength, and you have taken a new step
towards your journey of healing.

You have been and will be in my thoughts---please do let us know how you're doing.

Jan

I too salute your courage. Be gentle with yourself and know that you are making a turning point in your life that can only result in goodness for you. Kathleent

Thank you all for the support!!!!

In my family environment that denied child abuse there was also the element of emptiness that crossed over to emotional neglect so having empathy/sympathy from anyone was unheard of. When I get it, it is always a heart lifter!!!!

Comments from my mother solidified my inability to accept kindness. At age 13, I was throwing up every morning into my garbage can and then on the bus due to my anxiety of the abuse (I only realized as an adult). My mother told me then, "Stop being so self centered and thinking only of yourself." (I had woke her up when I asked to be let off at a friends house and had to call home for a ride.) She finally took me to a doctor who put me on anti-vomiting suppositories and she then said: "I'm only filling this once to get over it...."

Does anyone blame me for depising my own mother?

Hopefully, my counseling will show me another way to handle it and free me from this albatross of hate....

Let me amend the old saying: you can pick your friends but not your mother...

My apologies to those of you who are blessed with a true mother.

And again, thank you. Your words mean more to me than you'll know.

Momz

Yes, a line