I just need some advice from some who've been there before me.
I'm the one who several months back was pulling my hair out planning my daughter's wedding.
A little background. I stood toe-to-toe with my daughter for months, before even planning a wedding, begging that she not marry him right now. He hadn't shown any real propensity to keep a job. They are so young. They were high-school-sweethearts. He had, I think, by the time he proposed, been through about 14 jobs, none of which were, along the same career path, any career path really.
I discussed all this concern with my daughter, and in fact with him. In fact, it got very contentious. Basically, in the end, it came down to my daughter was going to marry this guy, she said as much, and informed me and her dad, that she and he will "work through this" (her words) together. She informed me and her dad, all of this through many many conversations, that she isn't blind, she sees the potential for problems, but that there will always be problems, life isn't problem-free, for any of us, and that she and he will forge whatever troubles there are "together".
So, our choice at that point was #1) throw up our hands and tell her "well then go get married however you see fit, don't expect me to put a dime behind it. Which would've caused even more contention and hard feelings. Or #2) go ahead and open the wallet, to the extent we were able to do so, and pay for the one and only wedding we will pay for, for her. The latter is the option we chose.
All the while, I was so upset. I knew they were going to have a really rough road ahead. He hadn't shown any real propensity to go to any kind of trade school, further education, and was floundering, flopping, from job to job. I had said all I could really.
So, now, fast-forward to now.
They married in March. He hasn't been employed since. Oh wait, yes, he was, for a period of about 3 weeks, he worked as a sales-person, but quit that job. He has "tried" he says, and continues to "try" he says.
Meanwhile, I watch my daughter, work every day, all the hours she can, even when she's sick. She says precious little to me and her father about any of it. I would suppose that's because she knows the numerous contentious conversations that took place on this very topic. My daughter who used to be what I term a "sweet old soul", has become krass/harsh/mean, hard-around-the-edges. Likely she just has to. The only thing she has said was this past week, when she was over briefly (she lives about 2 minutes from me). She seemed down in the dumps. I said "how are you?, everything alright?". I don't ask questions of the subject matter, it's like the big elephant standing in the room that nobody talks about, because anytime you ask her anything about it, her father more so than myself, she has, at least in the past, shut it down, by saying "I don't wanna talk about ". So the other day she was by here briefly and she seemed down (as she does A LOT, either down in the dumps or completely on pizzed off mode, those are her two emotions these days), I asked her "how are you, you seem down, everything alright?". She said "no mom, I'm not, .............. I'm just not happy these days, the only time I'm happy is when I'm at work". I said "well that's good, it's good you love your work". She said "I hate coming home, I don't even wanna come home, it's supposed to be the other way around isn't it". I said "well yea usually, what's up that you don't wanna come home?". She said in exasperation and sadness kind of ".........I'm 21 years old and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I have bill collectors after me, an unemployed husband, stress, ............... I should've listened, everybody tried to tell me, but no, I wouldn't listen, .......... I had to be prideful, I had to be stubborn, I had to make my bed, and now I have to lay in it".
I simply responded "well hopefully things will get better soon, I know he's trying hard to get that job at __________". She just sighed and said "yea we'll see".
That is the "only" one singular time, that she has said anything at all, as her dad and I have sat back and watched these last few mos. and him not employed, her carrying the load. As I said, we don't ask questions, or rather let me re-phrase, I don't ask questions. Her dad will do so periodically, and that's mostly because all of the contention that went on prior to the wedding, on this topic, was more so, at my feet. I'm the one who mostly stood toe to toe on this whole thing with the both of them, causing much consternation from the both of them. So it's kind of like a topic I don't dare approach at this point. So I stay away, typically, with a 10 foot pole. My thinking being, she made her decision, a wrong one. I begged her not to marry him at this time, wait, wait until he can find a career niche and stick with it, you guys go live together if you have to, but don't marry him, not right now. It was mostly me, at the helm of that argument. So I kind of have, since then, approached it, or rather "not" approached it, thinking, this was her decision, she made her decision, the guy is now her husband, which has to be her first priority, not me or her dad, ........... and so be it. This is her waggon to push now. So I stay way way way out of it.
But how? How do you continue to shut your mouth.
I got word a few weeks ago that they had no food in the house (thru her little sister, who visits there periodically). No she doesn't come to me for money, she knows that we too are struggling terribly. She never does come and ask for money, ever. I know that the new husband's g'dad seems to be money bags, and I guess doesn't mind throwing dollar after dollar at this problem, or so it would appear. Seems to be the only way they are keeping their heads barely above water, or at least that's my observation. I don't "really know for sure", because she doesn't talk about it. And I don't ask. And it's none of my business how the two of them "make it or don't". So I don't ask. But I got word from her little sister that they had no food in the house and so I sent a grocery gift card over for her. She thanked me profusely and asked how I knew that they needed that. But that's it, as far as any help that has come from here towards that direction. She didn't ask for it, I just did it.
But here's the more pressing issue. This guy, he has always been Mr. Funtime Charlie. In other words, he won't miss a get together, a party. He is very family oriented, her's or his, family. And he will ALWAYS be a part of anything going on, to the deteriment of any job he has, that's been our observation. Well, he recently, unemployed that he is, spent a week out of town, at a "supposedly" ailing family member's bedside. He has been back from that venture for about a week and half, and has now gone again, this time to vacation with his bio father and family. Bio dad lives in another state, but is currently visiting in our state (however, not local, in a location about 3 or 4 hours away from where we live). The father and his eye-candy g'friend, as well as the father's other son, from another marriage, are all vacationing here this week, and so he has gone to join them.
My daughter was by again yesterday to come have dinner with us, and her dad said something or other about him now being out of town. She said (she says so little), "..............once again, good ole me, I'll stay here and continue to work, hold the fort down, and he runs off galavanting having a good time". I said "why didn't you go?". She said "I have to work, I didn't even know this was in the works". I said "oh was this a last minute thing, his family deciding to come this way for vacation?". She said "TO ME yea, .......... I was the last to know, ............. apparently HE KNEW it, and had planned on going, but I didn't know it, I can't go last minute like that, I have to work". I didn't say anymore, not another word, but boy did I want to.
A little later, it was being discussed that her little sister is going to be out of town this next few days with a friend. Her little sister goes over daily to care for their puppy (why he can't do it, unemployed that he is, I don't know, don't ask). So she and I were discussing that her little sister will be out of town the next few days and unavailable to go care for their puppy while she works. She and I had discussed this last week and I asked her what she would do for the puppy's care in the absence of her little sister. She had responded that her husband could do it. Well we know now that's out the window, he is off vacationing with his bio family. So, as she was preparing to head on to her house last night, I asked her "so do you have it worked out with the puppy, your sister is leaving town tomorrow, won't be back til late Wednesday". She said a sigh like "no". I then volunteered, "well I can run over there if you need me to". She said a grateful "would you mind, oh thank you". I said "I THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THAT".
That's the only thing derrogatory that I've said about ANY OF THIS in the last few mos. I have to tread so lightly. Her's and my relationship became so strained with my standing toe-to-toe with her on this whole "wait on the marriage thing".
She simply responded to the above comment with "I know, I did too, don't even get me started, just don't even go there". I let it drop.
I am having to bite my tongue purely OFF, around him, and around her. There is so much that I want to say, but I don't. How do you just continue to keep your mouth shut. I am serious. How do you do it. Yes, as I said above, I am a firm believer in the fact that this is her bed, she made it, now go live it, ........ and her husband is now her first priority and I am nothing but a meddling mother in law to do otherwise, so I stay out of it. But I am likely giving myself an ulcer and untold stress in the process. When I say that I say nothing to her, or to him, I mean it. The above comment that I made about thinking that her husband was going to care for the dog in the absence of her little sister, that is the ONLY thing I have said, in the last few mos. As I've watched him, get new tires off his g'dad, for his truck, since he "had to" (read above, won't miss a family event) make the trip down to a family member on our side, graduating from high school. An event planned, for the graduation, and we had known for mos., ........... he "had to" have new tires, to make the trip. Heck, there were numerous of us going in that direction, they ......... he and she ......... could've jumped into one of our cars, and gone. But nope. He "had to" have new tires. G'daddy foot the bill for 4 new tires, $600, so they could make the trip. As I watch him in that venue tout that he can go do thus and so, he has the money, ........... something that was being discussed in the way of an excursion of sorts, that none of the rest of us could afford to do and said so, and him piping in with "well I can, I can afford that, let's go ...............". This guy who hasn't held a steady job since they married, and her carrying the load, and him sitting there all boastful that "he can afford it". No, his wife (my daughter) was not sitting there as that comment was made.
Just so much that goes on. How do you continue to shut your pie hole. It is so hard.
Full Version: Shut my mouth
I personally wouldn't keep my mouth shut...i would tell my daughter exactly how i feel and tell her you will be there to help her pick up the pieces if she needs/wants you to.I wouldn't do the whole "i told you so routine"....but i would talk about it instead of holding back.
One word DIVORCE!!!
QUOTE (doaker @ Jul 13 2009, 01:49 PM) 
I just need some advice from some who've been there before me.
I'm the one who several months back was pulling my hair out planning my daughter's wedding.
A little background. I stood toe-to-toe with my daughter for months, before even planning a wedding, begging that she not marry him right now. He hadn't shown any real propensity to keep a job. They are so young. They were high-school-sweethearts. He had, I think, by the time he proposed, been through about 14 jobs, none of which were, along the same career path, any career path really.
I discussed all this concern with my daughter, and in fact with him. In fact, it got very contentious. Basically, in the end, it came down to my daughter was going to marry this guy, she said as much, and informed me and her dad, that she and he will "work through this" (her words) together. She informed me and her dad, all of this through many many conversations, that she isn't blind, she sees the potential for problems, but that there will always be problems, life isn't problem-free, for any of us, and that she and he will forge whatever troubles there are "together".
So, our choice at that point was #1) throw up our hands and tell her "well then go get married however you see fit, don't expect me to put a dime behind it. Which would've caused even more contention and hard feelings. Or #2) go ahead and open the wallet, to the extent we were able to do so, and pay for the one and only wedding we will pay for, for her. The latter is the option we chose.
All the while, I was so upset. I knew they were going to have a really rough road ahead. He hadn't shown any real propensity to go to any kind of trade school, further education, and was floundering, flopping, from job to job. I had said all I could really.
So, now, fast-forward to now.
They married in March. He hasn't been employed since. Oh wait, yes, he was, for a period of about 3 weeks, he worked as a sales-person, but quit that job. He has "tried" he says, and continues to "try" he says.
Meanwhile, I watch my daughter, work every day, all the hours she can, even when she's sick. She says precious little to me and her father about any of it. I would suppose that's because she knows the numerous contentious conversations that took place on this very topic. My daughter who used to be what I term a "sweet old soul", has become krass/harsh/mean, hard-around-the-edges. Likely she just has to. The only thing she has said was this past week, when she was over briefly (she lives about 2 minutes from me). She seemed down in the dumps. I said "how are you?, everything alright?". I don't ask questions of the subject matter, it's like the big elephant standing in the room that nobody talks about, because anytime you ask her anything about it, her father more so than myself, she has, at least in the past, shut it down, by saying "I don't wanna talk about ". So the other day she was by here briefly and she seemed down (as she does A LOT, either down in the dumps or completely on pizzed off mode, those are her two emotions these days), I asked her "how are you, you seem down, everything alright?". She said "no mom, I'm not, .............. I'm just not happy these days, the only time I'm happy is when I'm at work". I said "well that's good, it's good you love your work". She said "I hate coming home, I don't even wanna come home, it's supposed to be the other way around isn't it". I said "well yea usually, what's up that you don't wanna come home?". She said in exasperation and sadness kind of ".........I'm 21 years old and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I have bill collectors after me, an unemployed husband, stress, ............... I should've listened, everybody tried to tell me, but no, I wouldn't listen, .......... I had to be prideful, I had to be stubborn, I had to make my bed, and now I have to lay in it".
I simply responded "well hopefully things will get better soon, I know he's trying hard to get that job at __________". She just sighed and said "yea we'll see".
That is the "only" one singular time, that she has said anything at all, as her dad and I have sat back and watched these last few mos. and him not employed, her carrying the load. As I said, we don't ask questions, or rather let me re-phrase, I don't ask questions. Her dad will do so periodically, and that's mostly because all of the contention that went on prior to the wedding, on this topic, was more so, at my feet. I'm the one who mostly stood toe to toe on this whole thing with the both of them, causing much consternation from the both of them. So it's kind of like a topic I don't dare approach at this point. So I stay away, typically, with a 10 foot pole. My thinking being, she made her decision, a wrong one. I begged her not to marry him at this time, wait, wait until he can find a career niche and stick with it, you guys go live together if you have to, but don't marry him, not right now. It was mostly me, at the helm of that argument. So I kind of have, since then, approached it, or rather "not" approached it, thinking, this was her decision, she made her decision, the guy is now her husband, which has to be her first priority, not me or her dad, ........... and so be it. This is her waggon to push now. So I stay way way way out of it.
But how? How do you continue to shut your mouth.
I got word a few weeks ago that they had no food in the house (thru her little sister, who visits there periodically). No she doesn't come to me for money, she knows that we too are struggling terribly. She never does come and ask for money, ever. I know that the new husband's g'dad seems to be money bags, and I guess doesn't mind throwing dollar after dollar at this problem, or so it would appear. Seems to be the only way they are keeping their heads barely above water, or at least that's my observation. I don't "really know for sure", because she doesn't talk about it. And I don't ask. And it's none of my business how the two of them "make it or don't". So I don't ask. But I got word from her little sister that they had no food in the house and so I sent a grocery gift card over for her. She thanked me profusely and asked how I knew that they needed that. But that's it, as far as any help that has come from here towards that direction. She didn't ask for it, I just did it.
But here's the more pressing issue. This guy, he has always been Mr. Funtime Charlie. In other words, he won't miss a get together, a party. He is very family oriented, her's or his, family. And he will ALWAYS be a part of anything going on, to the deteriment of any job he has, that's been our observation. Well, he recently, unemployed that he is, spent a week out of town, at a "supposedly" ailing family member's bedside. He has been back from that venture for about a week and half, and has now gone again, this time to vacation with his bio father and family. Bio dad lives in another state, but is currently visiting in our state (however, not local, in a location about 3 or 4 hours away from where we live). The father and his eye-candy g'friend, as well as the father's other son, from another marriage, are all vacationing here this week, and so he has gone to join them.
My daughter was by again yesterday to come have dinner with us, and her dad said something or other about him now being out of town. She said (she says so little), "..............once again, good ole me, I'll stay here and continue to work, hold the fort down, and he runs off galavanting having a good time". I said "why didn't you go?". She said "I have to work, I didn't even know this was in the works". I said "oh was this a last minute thing, his family deciding to come this way for vacation?". She said "TO ME yea, .......... I was the last to know, ............. apparently HE KNEW it, and had planned on going, but I didn't know it, I can't go last minute like that, I have to work". I didn't say anymore, not another word, but boy did I want to.
A little later, it was being discussed that her little sister is going to be out of town this next few days with a friend. Her little sister goes over daily to care for their puppy (why he can't do it, unemployed that he is, I don't know, don't ask). So she and I were discussing that her little sister will be out of town the next few days and unavailable to go care for their puppy while she works. She and I had discussed this last week and I asked her what she would do for the puppy's care in the absence of her little sister. She had responded that her husband could do it. Well we know now that's out the window, he is off vacationing with his bio family. So, as she was preparing to head on to her house last night, I asked her "so do you have it worked out with the puppy, your sister is leaving town tomorrow, won't be back til late Wednesday". She said a sigh like "no". I then volunteered, "well I can run over there if you need me to". She said a grateful "would you mind, oh thank you". I said "I THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THAT".
That's the only thing derrogatory that I've said about ANY OF THIS in the last few mos. I have to tread so lightly. Her's and my relationship became so strained with my standing toe-to-toe with her on this whole "wait on the marriage thing".
She simply responded to the above comment with "I know, I did too, don't even get me started, just don't even go there". I let it drop.
I am having to bite my tongue purely OFF, around him, and around her. There is so much that I want to say, but I don't. How do you just continue to keep your mouth shut. I am serious. How do you do it. Yes, as I said above, I am a firm believer in the fact that this is her bed, she made it, now go live it, ........ and her husband is now her first priority and I am nothing but a meddling mother in law to do otherwise, so I stay out of it. But I am likely giving myself an ulcer and untold stress in the process. When I say that I say nothing to her, or to him, I mean it. The above comment that I made about thinking that her husband was going to care for the dog in the absence of her little sister, that is the ONLY thing I have said, in the last few mos. As I've watched him, get new tires off his g'dad, for his truck, since he "had to" (read above, won't miss a family event) make the trip down to a family member on our side, graduating from high school. An event planned, for the graduation, and we had known for mos., ........... he "had to" have new tires, to make the trip. Heck, there were numerous of us going in that direction, they ......... he and she ......... could've jumped into one of our cars, and gone. But nope. He "had to" have new tires. G'daddy foot the bill for 4 new tires, $600, so they could make the trip. As I watch him in that venue tout that he can go do thus and so, he has the money, ........... something that was being discussed in the way of an excursion of sorts, that none of the rest of us could afford to do and said so, and him piping in with "well I can, I can afford that, let's go ...............". This guy who hasn't held a steady job since they married, and her carrying the load, and him sitting there all boastful that "he can afford it". No, his wife (my daughter) was not sitting there as that comment was made.
Just so much that goes on. How do you continue to shut your pie hole. It is so hard.
I'm the one who several months back was pulling my hair out planning my daughter's wedding.
A little background. I stood toe-to-toe with my daughter for months, before even planning a wedding, begging that she not marry him right now. He hadn't shown any real propensity to keep a job. They are so young. They were high-school-sweethearts. He had, I think, by the time he proposed, been through about 14 jobs, none of which were, along the same career path, any career path really.
I discussed all this concern with my daughter, and in fact with him. In fact, it got very contentious. Basically, in the end, it came down to my daughter was going to marry this guy, she said as much, and informed me and her dad, that she and he will "work through this" (her words) together. She informed me and her dad, all of this through many many conversations, that she isn't blind, she sees the potential for problems, but that there will always be problems, life isn't problem-free, for any of us, and that she and he will forge whatever troubles there are "together".
So, our choice at that point was #1) throw up our hands and tell her "well then go get married however you see fit, don't expect me to put a dime behind it. Which would've caused even more contention and hard feelings. Or #2) go ahead and open the wallet, to the extent we were able to do so, and pay for the one and only wedding we will pay for, for her. The latter is the option we chose.
All the while, I was so upset. I knew they were going to have a really rough road ahead. He hadn't shown any real propensity to go to any kind of trade school, further education, and was floundering, flopping, from job to job. I had said all I could really.
So, now, fast-forward to now.
They married in March. He hasn't been employed since. Oh wait, yes, he was, for a period of about 3 weeks, he worked as a sales-person, but quit that job. He has "tried" he says, and continues to "try" he says.
Meanwhile, I watch my daughter, work every day, all the hours she can, even when she's sick. She says precious little to me and her father about any of it. I would suppose that's because she knows the numerous contentious conversations that took place on this very topic. My daughter who used to be what I term a "sweet old soul", has become krass/harsh/mean, hard-around-the-edges. Likely she just has to. The only thing she has said was this past week, when she was over briefly (she lives about 2 minutes from me). She seemed down in the dumps. I said "how are you?, everything alright?". I don't ask questions of the subject matter, it's like the big elephant standing in the room that nobody talks about, because anytime you ask her anything about it, her father more so than myself, she has, at least in the past, shut it down, by saying "I don't wanna talk about ". So the other day she was by here briefly and she seemed down (as she does A LOT, either down in the dumps or completely on pizzed off mode, those are her two emotions these days), I asked her "how are you, you seem down, everything alright?". She said "no mom, I'm not, .............. I'm just not happy these days, the only time I'm happy is when I'm at work". I said "well that's good, it's good you love your work". She said "I hate coming home, I don't even wanna come home, it's supposed to be the other way around isn't it". I said "well yea usually, what's up that you don't wanna come home?". She said in exasperation and sadness kind of ".........I'm 21 years old and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I have bill collectors after me, an unemployed husband, stress, ............... I should've listened, everybody tried to tell me, but no, I wouldn't listen, .......... I had to be prideful, I had to be stubborn, I had to make my bed, and now I have to lay in it".
I simply responded "well hopefully things will get better soon, I know he's trying hard to get that job at __________". She just sighed and said "yea we'll see".
That is the "only" one singular time, that she has said anything at all, as her dad and I have sat back and watched these last few mos. and him not employed, her carrying the load. As I said, we don't ask questions, or rather let me re-phrase, I don't ask questions. Her dad will do so periodically, and that's mostly because all of the contention that went on prior to the wedding, on this topic, was more so, at my feet. I'm the one who mostly stood toe to toe on this whole thing with the both of them, causing much consternation from the both of them. So it's kind of like a topic I don't dare approach at this point. So I stay away, typically, with a 10 foot pole. My thinking being, she made her decision, a wrong one. I begged her not to marry him at this time, wait, wait until he can find a career niche and stick with it, you guys go live together if you have to, but don't marry him, not right now. It was mostly me, at the helm of that argument. So I kind of have, since then, approached it, or rather "not" approached it, thinking, this was her decision, she made her decision, the guy is now her husband, which has to be her first priority, not me or her dad, ........... and so be it. This is her waggon to push now. So I stay way way way out of it.
But how? How do you continue to shut your mouth.
I got word a few weeks ago that they had no food in the house (thru her little sister, who visits there periodically). No she doesn't come to me for money, she knows that we too are struggling terribly. She never does come and ask for money, ever. I know that the new husband's g'dad seems to be money bags, and I guess doesn't mind throwing dollar after dollar at this problem, or so it would appear. Seems to be the only way they are keeping their heads barely above water, or at least that's my observation. I don't "really know for sure", because she doesn't talk about it. And I don't ask. And it's none of my business how the two of them "make it or don't". So I don't ask. But I got word from her little sister that they had no food in the house and so I sent a grocery gift card over for her. She thanked me profusely and asked how I knew that they needed that. But that's it, as far as any help that has come from here towards that direction. She didn't ask for it, I just did it.
But here's the more pressing issue. This guy, he has always been Mr. Funtime Charlie. In other words, he won't miss a get together, a party. He is very family oriented, her's or his, family. And he will ALWAYS be a part of anything going on, to the deteriment of any job he has, that's been our observation. Well, he recently, unemployed that he is, spent a week out of town, at a "supposedly" ailing family member's bedside. He has been back from that venture for about a week and half, and has now gone again, this time to vacation with his bio father and family. Bio dad lives in another state, but is currently visiting in our state (however, not local, in a location about 3 or 4 hours away from where we live). The father and his eye-candy g'friend, as well as the father's other son, from another marriage, are all vacationing here this week, and so he has gone to join them.
My daughter was by again yesterday to come have dinner with us, and her dad said something or other about him now being out of town. She said (she says so little), "..............once again, good ole me, I'll stay here and continue to work, hold the fort down, and he runs off galavanting having a good time". I said "why didn't you go?". She said "I have to work, I didn't even know this was in the works". I said "oh was this a last minute thing, his family deciding to come this way for vacation?". She said "TO ME yea, .......... I was the last to know, ............. apparently HE KNEW it, and had planned on going, but I didn't know it, I can't go last minute like that, I have to work". I didn't say anymore, not another word, but boy did I want to.
A little later, it was being discussed that her little sister is going to be out of town this next few days with a friend. Her little sister goes over daily to care for their puppy (why he can't do it, unemployed that he is, I don't know, don't ask). So she and I were discussing that her little sister will be out of town the next few days and unavailable to go care for their puppy while she works. She and I had discussed this last week and I asked her what she would do for the puppy's care in the absence of her little sister. She had responded that her husband could do it. Well we know now that's out the window, he is off vacationing with his bio family. So, as she was preparing to head on to her house last night, I asked her "so do you have it worked out with the puppy, your sister is leaving town tomorrow, won't be back til late Wednesday". She said a sigh like "no". I then volunteered, "well I can run over there if you need me to". She said a grateful "would you mind, oh thank you". I said "I THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THAT".
That's the only thing derrogatory that I've said about ANY OF THIS in the last few mos. I have to tread so lightly. Her's and my relationship became so strained with my standing toe-to-toe with her on this whole "wait on the marriage thing".
She simply responded to the above comment with "I know, I did too, don't even get me started, just don't even go there". I let it drop.
I am having to bite my tongue purely OFF, around him, and around her. There is so much that I want to say, but I don't. How do you just continue to keep your mouth shut. I am serious. How do you do it. Yes, as I said above, I am a firm believer in the fact that this is her bed, she made it, now go live it, ........ and her husband is now her first priority and I am nothing but a meddling mother in law to do otherwise, so I stay out of it. But I am likely giving myself an ulcer and untold stress in the process. When I say that I say nothing to her, or to him, I mean it. The above comment that I made about thinking that her husband was going to care for the dog in the absence of her little sister, that is the ONLY thing I have said, in the last few mos. As I've watched him, get new tires off his g'dad, for his truck, since he "had to" (read above, won't miss a family event) make the trip down to a family member on our side, graduating from high school. An event planned, for the graduation, and we had known for mos., ........... he "had to" have new tires, to make the trip. Heck, there were numerous of us going in that direction, they ......... he and she ......... could've jumped into one of our cars, and gone. But nope. He "had to" have new tires. G'daddy foot the bill for 4 new tires, $600, so they could make the trip. As I watch him in that venue tout that he can go do thus and so, he has the money, ........... something that was being discussed in the way of an excursion of sorts, that none of the rest of us could afford to do and said so, and him piping in with "well I can, I can afford that, let's go ...............". This guy who hasn't held a steady job since they married, and her carrying the load, and him sitting there all boastful that "he can afford it". No, his wife (my daughter) was not sitting there as that comment was made.
Just so much that goes on. How do you continue to shut your pie hole. It is so hard.
My dear Friend
Bless your tired,aching heart.
The man you have just described is exactly like my daughter's first husband.He was lazy.We always ended up paying the rent,helping out with groceries etc.He never seemed to hold a job down
Then my precious little grand-daughter was born.Guess who paid all the Medical Expenses?
We tried to be supportive,with the occasional hint thrown his way.Divorce is very hard to get here in The Middle East so when my daughter had finally had enough and admitted many strange things that had happened during their marriage and wanted a Divorce,we had to pay him off.
Luckily she is now re-married to a lovely gentleman and very happy.
So please do not give up hope.
You are very supportive and I am fairly sure that one day your lovely daughter will realize she is better off without him.
The emotional strain is enormous but am glad there are no children in the picture because if managing looking after a puppy is beyond his capabilities ,God help us all.
Am putting your daughter in my Prayers and a special one for you Mum.
I know the emotional drain all this is.
Warm Wishes
Elizabeth
Ya know. It's just so sad. My daughter went to secondary education for a trade, and applied herself therein. And has worked very hard. I watched her make wedding plans with this guy who jumped from job to job to job, nothing in any particular niche of employment. I tried to do what I could to encourage that he "go to school", "go learn a trade", do something/anything, that is going to further his vocation capabilities.
I saw this coming, like a freight train right at her. And I dug in my heels so hard, and caused so much damage to her's and my relationship (which prior had been so so close) in the process. I finally, through the support of "my" loved ones, came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was dig in even more and possibly cause irrepairable damage, or give in. I gave in. I now sometimes wish I hadn't. Sometimes I wish I had said to her those fateful words "well I won't get behind this, I have told you what my thoughts are, if you are dead set on marrying this guy, then go ahead, figure out how to do it, on your own dime". I have to wonder now, in hindsight, would she have. I don't know.
Don't get me wrong. We love the guy to pieces. He is personable, charming, respectful, clean-cut, all of the "picture" of what you would want for your daughter. But what lies underneath is not so "picture perfect".
I finally came to the conclusion as I forged ahead trying to piece together what I could for a wedding for her (and we are enduring the worst economic times of our lives, in this economy, and I should have, in fact could have said that I just cannot pay for it, at this time in our lives). But nope. I did the best I could to put together a wedding for her, thru much strife and stress, and turmoil, and many many sleepless stress-filled nights of how am I gonna pay for all this, and worse yet, WHY AM I PAYING FOR THIS. But I hoped, that because he loves her (and I do think he does) if there's any hope at all that SOMEBODY canplant a foot in his backside and make him grow the heck up already and be a "man". It's in her. If anybody can do it, she can. Shouldn't have to. One would hope that when you are marrying someone, their work ethic, or lack thereof, is not gonna be one of the many problems that newlyweds have to learn to navigate. Usually *work ethic* is well set by the time folks decide to marry one another.
Well I come home today from work to discover that she has apparently, finally, broken the veil of secrecy over it all, in talking with her dad. Finally. Bless her heart. My heart breaks for her. Just so much said to her dad, about it all. She finally opened up and "talked", poured her heart out, to her dad. She is miserable, she says all they do is fight, and argue all the time, she says he is a little boy that needs to finish growing up (I concur completely). She told her dad that she so wants to talk to her mom, but that she's so afraid her mother, because her mother stood in such opposition to all of this, and saw it coming, head-on, that her mother will blow her out of the water for it. Her dad assured her that her mother (me) will not do that. And I wouldn't.
Just so much said between she and her dad. Her dad told her, what I would tell her, that we love her and support whatever it is she needs to do, that her bedroom is still available if she needs it.
She gave her dad permission, in fact asked him to, call her husband, who is happily vacationing with his playboy father as we speak, gave her father permission to call and go up one side of him and down the other. Her father said he isn't going to do so, it's her job to do, as his wife. She told her father that she did do so, but he left anyway, to go vacation with his playboy daddy.
Wish I'd be given the same lattitude, believe me, I would not have a problem calling the guy and asking him to justify just how it is that he can take off on vacation when they have a stack of unpaid bills, bill collectors harranging my daughter, her working everyday, and he hasn't worked since they married, with the exception of a 3 week stint as a salesperson, and didn't like it, so he quit, how does he justify going on vacation, that I'd just like to hear how that is justified. I wouldn't have a problem saying that to him. My husband however, feels it's his wife's job (our daughter) to do that. Not ours. However, my husband did preface his involvement with the fact that our son-in-law left for this little mini-vacation, stating he'd be back on Tuesday. But we know him. Tuesday will come and there will be some reason he needs to stay longer. My husband said that if he does that, he will then step up to the plate and call our son in law and give him *what for*.
My heart breaks for my daughter. She doesn't deserve to be tied in with this looser. She is a hard worker, the work ethic thing in her, firmly ingrained, and has been all along. She worked thru high school, she worked while she went for secondary education, and then did her internship in her trade, and has since been working "hard" at what she went to school to learn to do, to earn a living. What did he do? He floundered and flopped between this job and that job, and the other job.
Yes I did talk to him, he and she both, before the wedding plans even got off the ground, so long ago. And he (oh what flim-flam charmer he can be) sat there and admitted to me that yes he'd been foolish and immature in his lack of keeping a job, but that now, now that he was signing on for marriage, he was going to knuckle under, he knows what's in front of him, and he's going to have to now grow up and be a "man". He's done anything but. As was mentioned before, he can't even be bothered with the care of their puppy. Yes, indeed, thank GOD they don't yet have kids.
I'm glad that she finally opened up and talked, to one of us. I guess her dad is less threatening, because ole battle ax mom, she's the one that stood toe to toe with this whole thing, and almost drove a wedge between our relationship in the process.
I have no idea if she now intends to come and discuss it with me, now that her dad has paved the path in informing her that her mother has no intention of blasting her out of the water. That's certainly up to her. And no, I wouldn't do the "I told ya so" thing. Though that is the God's honest truth of the matter.
I guess my job is to do like her dad did, just let her know that we love her no matter what, and that we support whatever her decision is. And then either just continue to watch this whole thing fall further and further into an abyss of God knows what. Or, help her move her things out of the apartment that she was once, not so long ago, so proud to call home, and now despises going to. What a shame.
I saw this coming, like a freight train right at her. And I dug in my heels so hard, and caused so much damage to her's and my relationship (which prior had been so so close) in the process. I finally, through the support of "my" loved ones, came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was dig in even more and possibly cause irrepairable damage, or give in. I gave in. I now sometimes wish I hadn't. Sometimes I wish I had said to her those fateful words "well I won't get behind this, I have told you what my thoughts are, if you are dead set on marrying this guy, then go ahead, figure out how to do it, on your own dime". I have to wonder now, in hindsight, would she have. I don't know.
Don't get me wrong. We love the guy to pieces. He is personable, charming, respectful, clean-cut, all of the "picture" of what you would want for your daughter. But what lies underneath is not so "picture perfect".
I finally came to the conclusion as I forged ahead trying to piece together what I could for a wedding for her (and we are enduring the worst economic times of our lives, in this economy, and I should have, in fact could have said that I just cannot pay for it, at this time in our lives). But nope. I did the best I could to put together a wedding for her, thru much strife and stress, and turmoil, and many many sleepless stress-filled nights of how am I gonna pay for all this, and worse yet, WHY AM I PAYING FOR THIS. But I hoped, that because he loves her (and I do think he does) if there's any hope at all that SOMEBODY canplant a foot in his backside and make him grow the heck up already and be a "man". It's in her. If anybody can do it, she can. Shouldn't have to. One would hope that when you are marrying someone, their work ethic, or lack thereof, is not gonna be one of the many problems that newlyweds have to learn to navigate. Usually *work ethic* is well set by the time folks decide to marry one another.
Well I come home today from work to discover that she has apparently, finally, broken the veil of secrecy over it all, in talking with her dad. Finally. Bless her heart. My heart breaks for her. Just so much said to her dad, about it all. She finally opened up and "talked", poured her heart out, to her dad. She is miserable, she says all they do is fight, and argue all the time, she says he is a little boy that needs to finish growing up (I concur completely). She told her dad that she so wants to talk to her mom, but that she's so afraid her mother, because her mother stood in such opposition to all of this, and saw it coming, head-on, that her mother will blow her out of the water for it. Her dad assured her that her mother (me) will not do that. And I wouldn't.
Just so much said between she and her dad. Her dad told her, what I would tell her, that we love her and support whatever it is she needs to do, that her bedroom is still available if she needs it.
She gave her dad permission, in fact asked him to, call her husband, who is happily vacationing with his playboy father as we speak, gave her father permission to call and go up one side of him and down the other. Her father said he isn't going to do so, it's her job to do, as his wife. She told her father that she did do so, but he left anyway, to go vacation with his playboy daddy.
Wish I'd be given the same lattitude, believe me, I would not have a problem calling the guy and asking him to justify just how it is that he can take off on vacation when they have a stack of unpaid bills, bill collectors harranging my daughter, her working everyday, and he hasn't worked since they married, with the exception of a 3 week stint as a salesperson, and didn't like it, so he quit, how does he justify going on vacation, that I'd just like to hear how that is justified. I wouldn't have a problem saying that to him. My husband however, feels it's his wife's job (our daughter) to do that. Not ours. However, my husband did preface his involvement with the fact that our son-in-law left for this little mini-vacation, stating he'd be back on Tuesday. But we know him. Tuesday will come and there will be some reason he needs to stay longer. My husband said that if he does that, he will then step up to the plate and call our son in law and give him *what for*.
My heart breaks for my daughter. She doesn't deserve to be tied in with this looser. She is a hard worker, the work ethic thing in her, firmly ingrained, and has been all along. She worked thru high school, she worked while she went for secondary education, and then did her internship in her trade, and has since been working "hard" at what she went to school to learn to do, to earn a living. What did he do? He floundered and flopped between this job and that job, and the other job.
Yes I did talk to him, he and she both, before the wedding plans even got off the ground, so long ago. And he (oh what flim-flam charmer he can be) sat there and admitted to me that yes he'd been foolish and immature in his lack of keeping a job, but that now, now that he was signing on for marriage, he was going to knuckle under, he knows what's in front of him, and he's going to have to now grow up and be a "man". He's done anything but. As was mentioned before, he can't even be bothered with the care of their puppy. Yes, indeed, thank GOD they don't yet have kids.
I'm glad that she finally opened up and talked, to one of us. I guess her dad is less threatening, because ole battle ax mom, she's the one that stood toe to toe with this whole thing, and almost drove a wedge between our relationship in the process.
I have no idea if she now intends to come and discuss it with me, now that her dad has paved the path in informing her that her mother has no intention of blasting her out of the water. That's certainly up to her. And no, I wouldn't do the "I told ya so" thing. Though that is the God's honest truth of the matter.
I guess my job is to do like her dad did, just let her know that we love her no matter what, and that we support whatever her decision is. And then either just continue to watch this whole thing fall further and further into an abyss of God knows what. Or, help her move her things out of the apartment that she was once, not so long ago, so proud to call home, and now despises going to. What a shame.
Boy you see that train barreling right towards them and you just want to pull them out of the way, don't you? 
QUOTE (Marrin7 @ Jul 13 2009, 05:44 PM)
Boy you see that train barreling right towards them and you just want to pull them out of the way, don't you?
Now that she is finally *talking* about it all. Boy is she talking. She came over last night, and we talked, me and her dad and her, for hours about it all.
She did say that she so wishes she'd of listened. Asked why she isn't hearing the ole *tried to tell ya*. We both told her, she's living it, she doesn't need to be told that.
She said so much. But one of the things that she said. She was talking about having gone into this marriage knowing there would be problems, periodically everbody has em. But that she didn't expect "this" problem, not .......... problems, so soon. She's only been married 4 mos. I told her, this isn't a big surprise, these are the same things he was doing before you guys married, not keeping a job, lying, these are the things he did before, ........... the only difference is, back then you had a roof over your head, food in the fridge, a light switch that worked, ......... because me and your dad provided that for you, here at home. He had that, because his folks provided that, at his home. Now, it's on you guys, ........... if that light switch works because you paid the bill, or you continue to keep a roof over your head because you paid the rent, of there's food in the fridge, because you guys had money to buy food. I did so badly want to say to her "what do you think I was trying to tell you for all those months, when you and I fought like water and oil, ........... what did you think that I had rocks for brains?, I saw this coming!!!!!, TRIED TO TELL YOU".
Do you know. She admitted last night talking to us. We had seen, just recently (here the guy is unemployed, they are behind in all their bills, ckg acct. overdrawn), I had seen that he has a motorcycle now. A used one. But he has a motorcyle. I had wondered how in the name of God he afforded that. But figured g'daddy foot the bill for that too. Nope, he'd taken $400 to give to a buddy of his that was selling it, and still owes another $500 to the buddy. Money that could've gone to pay bills, and did not even consult with her, at all. It was just done. Done deal.
She was also talking about, him gone on this little mini vacation with his playboy daddy right now. She said that he had worked a couple of days last week for his g'daddy, doing some yard work, some painting, worked a total of two days. Worth, maybe $100 at the most. The g'daddy gave him $400 (that he told her about) for his efforts. Before he left, he asked her what she needed of the $400, to pay bills with. She told him she needed all of it, that he didn't need to be taking off on a mini-vacation, that they can't afford it. He told her (he lies) that his dad was paying for his little mini-vacation. His playboy daddy that is down here vacationing. But then he gave her $200 of the $400, with which she can try to manage. She asked him "why do you need any money, if your dad is goin to pay your way at the little minivacation you're taking". He had no answer. But off he went, with half of what he's made in the last forever who knows how long, he doesn't work, no income. And he took half of it, and off he went. Them, stack of bills, ckg. account overdrawn, .......... so he could go play good time Charlie and go vacation with his dad. This, after he was just out of town for a solid week visiting a *supposed* ailing family member on another side of his family.
I tell you it's awfully hard for me to be around him, and keep my trap shut. Fortunately he is out of town right now and won't be around here much. Typically, HE is around here, more than she is. Of course he is, he's unemployed. But it's going to be awfully hard for me to shut my mouth.
QUOTE (doaker @ Jul 14 2009, 05:39 AM)
This is where you tell your daughter that you hate what she has done with her life, but you love her dearly, and always will.
She is already knows that she has made a mistake. Her new hubby if probably thinking the same thing.
What a drag you daughter must be to his "life-style."
Sit back...let this run it's course.
You don't have to give her any new advice. She knows that her room and bed are available. Since she has been out on her own, you must treat her as an adult. You had better put on a "Friend Face" and take off the protective mommy role for a while. Right now, she needs you as a friend.
At this point, I would not pay any bills for Them. If you bail her out, it is likely that she will stay with him longer.
When and if she chooses to move back home, then you can help her deal with her situation. I would let her pay back whatever she owes. This is a GOOD lesson that will carry her through life.
At 17 I got my first charge card. Within two days I racked it up to the limit. Boy, did I have fun!!!! I spent the next 2 years of my life paying it off. This was a hard lesson for me, but I have NEVER ever abused credit since. (Oh, and by the way, my credit score is awesome. LOL! ....I learned that I am responsible for myself, and I learned that I had to pay my own bills.)
Your role is should be one of support.
Your daughter sounds like a lovely person that has been well raised. From what I can see, she is responsible and hard-working. Although she got caught up in love and rebellion, she will be fine. Now since she has had a taste if reality, I bet she will be making better decisions. This will work out.
Shebee
...and by the way...you already know this. You have handled this situation very well. Good job! You can't prevent a bicycle accident, but you can offer antibiotic cream and a bandage.
QUOTE (doaker @ Jul 13 2009, 11:33 PM)
Ya know. It's just so sad. My daughter went to secondary education for a trade, and applied herself therein. And has worked very hard. I watched her make wedding plans with this guy who jumped from job to job to job, nothing in any particular niche of employment. I tried to do what I could to encourage that he "go to school", "go learn a trade", do something/anything, that is going to further his vocation capabilities.
I saw this coming, like a freight train right at her. And I dug in my heels so hard, and caused so much damage to her's and my relationship (which prior had been so so close) in the process. I finally, through the support of "my" loved ones, came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was dig in even more and possibly cause irrepairable damage, or give in. I gave in. I now sometimes wish I hadn't. Sometimes I wish I had said to her those fateful words "well I won't get behind this, I have told you what my thoughts are, if you are dead set on marrying this guy, then go ahead, figure out how to do it, on your own dime". I have to wonder now, in hindsight, would she have. I don't know.
Don't get me wrong. We love the guy to pieces. He is personable, charming, respectful, clean-cut, all of the "picture" of what you would want for your daughter. But what lies underneath is not so "picture perfect".
I finally came to the conclusion as I forged ahead trying to piece together what I could for a wedding for her (and we are enduring the worst economic times of our lives, in this economy, and I should have, in fact could have said that I just cannot pay for it, at this time in our lives). But nope. I did the best I could to put together a wedding for her, thru much strife and stress, and turmoil, and many many sleepless stress-filled nights of how am I gonna pay for all this, and worse yet, WHY AM I PAYING FOR THIS. But I hoped, that because he loves her (and I do think he does) if there's any hope at all that SOMEBODY canplant a foot in his backside and make him grow the heck up already and be a "man". It's in her. If anybody can do it, she can. Shouldn't have to. One would hope that when you are marrying someone, their work ethic, or lack thereof, is not gonna be one of the many problems that newlyweds have to learn to navigate. Usually *work ethic* is well set by the time folks decide to marry one another.
Well I come home today from work to discover that she has apparently, finally, broken the veil of secrecy over it all, in talking with her dad. Finally. Bless her heart. My heart breaks for her. Just so much said to her dad, about it all. She finally opened up and "talked", poured her heart out, to her dad. She is miserable, she says all they do is fight, and argue all the time, she says he is a little boy that needs to finish growing up (I concur completely). She told her dad that she so wants to talk to her mom, but that she's so afraid her mother, because her mother stood in such opposition to all of this, and saw it coming, head-on, that her mother will blow her out of the water for it. Her dad assured her that her mother (me) will not do that. And I wouldn't.
Just so much said between she and her dad. Her dad told her, what I would tell her, that we love her and support whatever it is she needs to do, that her bedroom is still available if she needs it.
She gave her dad permission, in fact asked him to, call her husband, who is happily vacationing with his playboy father as we speak, gave her father permission to call and go up one side of him and down the other. Her father said he isn't going to do so, it's her job to do, as his wife. She told her father that she did do so, but he left anyway, to go vacation with his playboy daddy.
Wish I'd be given the same lattitude, believe me, I would not have a problem calling the guy and asking him to justify just how it is that he can take off on vacation when they have a stack of unpaid bills, bill collectors harranging my daughter, her working everyday, and he hasn't worked since they married, with the exception of a 3 week stint as a salesperson, and didn't like it, so he quit, how does he justify going on vacation, that I'd just like to hear how that is justified. I wouldn't have a problem saying that to him. My husband however, feels it's his wife's job (our daughter) to do that. Not ours. However, my husband did preface his involvement with the fact that our son-in-law left for this little mini-vacation, stating he'd be back on Tuesday. But we know him. Tuesday will come and there will be some reason he needs to stay longer. My husband said that if he does that, he will then step up to the plate and call our son in law and give him *what for*.
My heart breaks for my daughter. She doesn't deserve to be tied in with this looser. She is a hard worker, the work ethic thing in her, firmly ingrained, and has been all along. She worked thru high school, she worked while she went for secondary education, and then did her internship in her trade, and has since been working "hard" at what she went to school to learn to do, to earn a living. What did he do? He floundered and flopped between this job and that job, and the other job.
Yes I did talk to him, he and she both, before the wedding plans even got off the ground, so long ago. And he (oh what flim-flam charmer he can be) sat there and admitted to me that yes he'd been foolish and immature in his lack of keeping a job, but that now, now that he was signing on for marriage, he was going to knuckle under, he knows what's in front of him, and he's going to have to now grow up and be a "man". He's done anything but. As was mentioned before, he can't even be bothered with the care of their puppy. Yes, indeed, thank GOD they don't yet have kids.
I'm glad that she finally opened up and talked, to one of us. I guess her dad is less threatening, because ole battle ax mom, she's the one that stood toe to toe with this whole thing, and almost drove a wedge between our relationship in the process.
I have no idea if she now intends to come and discuss it with me, now that her dad has paved the path in informing her that her mother has no intention of blasting her out of the water. That's certainly up to her. And no, I wouldn't do the "I told ya so" thing. Though that is the God's honest truth of the matter.
I guess my job is to do like her dad did, just let her know that we love her no matter what, and that we support whatever her decision is. And then either just continue to watch this whole thing fall further and further into an abyss of God knows what. Or, help her move her things out of the apartment that she was once, not so long ago, so proud to call home, and now despises going to. What a shame.
I saw this coming, like a freight train right at her. And I dug in my heels so hard, and caused so much damage to her's and my relationship (which prior had been so so close) in the process. I finally, through the support of "my" loved ones, came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was dig in even more and possibly cause irrepairable damage, or give in. I gave in. I now sometimes wish I hadn't. Sometimes I wish I had said to her those fateful words "well I won't get behind this, I have told you what my thoughts are, if you are dead set on marrying this guy, then go ahead, figure out how to do it, on your own dime". I have to wonder now, in hindsight, would she have. I don't know.
Don't get me wrong. We love the guy to pieces. He is personable, charming, respectful, clean-cut, all of the "picture" of what you would want for your daughter. But what lies underneath is not so "picture perfect".
I finally came to the conclusion as I forged ahead trying to piece together what I could for a wedding for her (and we are enduring the worst economic times of our lives, in this economy, and I should have, in fact could have said that I just cannot pay for it, at this time in our lives). But nope. I did the best I could to put together a wedding for her, thru much strife and stress, and turmoil, and many many sleepless stress-filled nights of how am I gonna pay for all this, and worse yet, WHY AM I PAYING FOR THIS. But I hoped, that because he loves her (and I do think he does) if there's any hope at all that SOMEBODY canplant a foot in his backside and make him grow the heck up already and be a "man". It's in her. If anybody can do it, she can. Shouldn't have to. One would hope that when you are marrying someone, their work ethic, or lack thereof, is not gonna be one of the many problems that newlyweds have to learn to navigate. Usually *work ethic* is well set by the time folks decide to marry one another.
Well I come home today from work to discover that she has apparently, finally, broken the veil of secrecy over it all, in talking with her dad. Finally. Bless her heart. My heart breaks for her. Just so much said to her dad, about it all. She finally opened up and "talked", poured her heart out, to her dad. She is miserable, she says all they do is fight, and argue all the time, she says he is a little boy that needs to finish growing up (I concur completely). She told her dad that she so wants to talk to her mom, but that she's so afraid her mother, because her mother stood in such opposition to all of this, and saw it coming, head-on, that her mother will blow her out of the water for it. Her dad assured her that her mother (me) will not do that. And I wouldn't.
Just so much said between she and her dad. Her dad told her, what I would tell her, that we love her and support whatever it is she needs to do, that her bedroom is still available if she needs it.
She gave her dad permission, in fact asked him to, call her husband, who is happily vacationing with his playboy father as we speak, gave her father permission to call and go up one side of him and down the other. Her father said he isn't going to do so, it's her job to do, as his wife. She told her father that she did do so, but he left anyway, to go vacation with his playboy daddy.
Wish I'd be given the same lattitude, believe me, I would not have a problem calling the guy and asking him to justify just how it is that he can take off on vacation when they have a stack of unpaid bills, bill collectors harranging my daughter, her working everyday, and he hasn't worked since they married, with the exception of a 3 week stint as a salesperson, and didn't like it, so he quit, how does he justify going on vacation, that I'd just like to hear how that is justified. I wouldn't have a problem saying that to him. My husband however, feels it's his wife's job (our daughter) to do that. Not ours. However, my husband did preface his involvement with the fact that our son-in-law left for this little mini-vacation, stating he'd be back on Tuesday. But we know him. Tuesday will come and there will be some reason he needs to stay longer. My husband said that if he does that, he will then step up to the plate and call our son in law and give him *what for*.
My heart breaks for my daughter. She doesn't deserve to be tied in with this looser. She is a hard worker, the work ethic thing in her, firmly ingrained, and has been all along. She worked thru high school, she worked while she went for secondary education, and then did her internship in her trade, and has since been working "hard" at what she went to school to learn to do, to earn a living. What did he do? He floundered and flopped between this job and that job, and the other job.
Yes I did talk to him, he and she both, before the wedding plans even got off the ground, so long ago. And he (oh what flim-flam charmer he can be) sat there and admitted to me that yes he'd been foolish and immature in his lack of keeping a job, but that now, now that he was signing on for marriage, he was going to knuckle under, he knows what's in front of him, and he's going to have to now grow up and be a "man". He's done anything but. As was mentioned before, he can't even be bothered with the care of their puppy. Yes, indeed, thank GOD they don't yet have kids.
I'm glad that she finally opened up and talked, to one of us. I guess her dad is less threatening, because ole battle ax mom, she's the one that stood toe to toe with this whole thing, and almost drove a wedge between our relationship in the process.
I have no idea if she now intends to come and discuss it with me, now that her dad has paved the path in informing her that her mother has no intention of blasting her out of the water. That's certainly up to her. And no, I wouldn't do the "I told ya so" thing. Though that is the God's honest truth of the matter.
I guess my job is to do like her dad did, just let her know that we love her no matter what, and that we support whatever her decision is. And then either just continue to watch this whole thing fall further and further into an abyss of God knows what. Or, help her move her things out of the apartment that she was once, not so long ago, so proud to call home, and now despises going to. What a shame.
Oh,yes My dear
They are quite the charmers but that soon wears thin the more you get to know them.
Thank God she has
started to open up to her Dad and she will talk to you too when the time is right.
You are not a battle axe just a caring,scared Mum that wants the best for her precious daughter.
She is a smart young lady and she is obviously starting to realize this man may not be worth the effort.It is a matter of pride at the moment.She knew you had your reservations but you arranged a lovely wedding and were very supportive.
Please do not feel guilty because even if you had spoken up more she would have gone right ahead.
Yes it is a shame but we all make bad choices and mistakes and hopefully learn from them.
There are a certain type of man,I call them Peter Pans,they just never quite grow up.
As I said my daughter's first husband was just like that.Unfortunately she had already had her baby when she decided she had to get out
It was the right decision and now she is happily re-married.
Am praying that all will be better soon.
Please keep us posted
Warm Hugs
Elizabeth
Yes it is a shame but we all make bad choices and mistakes and hopefully learn from them.
There are a certain type of man,I call them Peter Pans,they just never quite grow up.
As I said my daughter's first husband was just like that.Unfortunately she had already had her baby when she decided she had to get out
It was the right decision and now she is happily re-married.
Am praying that all will be better soon.
Please keep us posted
Warm Hugs
Elizabeth
[/quote]
Ahh yes, the Peter Pan syndrome. I know it well. My husband's dh, perfect example of just that.
Thanks guys for all the input. I'm sure this will be, for the foreseeable future, an ongoing drama. It's nice to have the support of others who've been there, done that, seen it.
My husband (my daughter's bio dad), is only so good at conversing over it all. He gets rather fired up and ready to tell the boy where to hit the highway, ....... but then knows better not to do so. Thankfully. It's not our battle to fight, and we both know it. UNTIL .................. it becomes our pocketbook. Thus far, that hasn't been the case. And it likely won't be. As I said before, we are struggling hard ourselves, financially. Not likely she'll be looking to us to pay a bill for her.
My observation from talking to my daughter last night, she feels much better, only from the respect that it's not all pent up inside anymore. I think she was letting pride get in the way of opening up about it all. Understandable. But that had to be hard in and of itself. To wear all that stress, and then not even talk about it. Which is precisely what she's done for the four (count em, four whole whopping mos. they've been married), keep it all bottled up. Until now.
The general concensus was that she is going to have to, (she doesn't want to throw in the towel on the whole thing, fortunately), stick her foot so far up his backside that he can't even see straight. She says she's done so, but as her dad said "well then you'll have to plant it even further in his ________, it's not yet uncomfortable enough".
I felt so bad for her. Because, she is not of that ilk. She's not the bitchy naggy, stay in your ear kinda wife. That's not what she ever set out to be. She's seen that, up close and personal. We have an uncle and aunt. The uncle can't even so much as look at something without his wife wants to know why is he looking in that direction and what is he thinking, and when is he gonna look in the other direction, and why can't she look with him. That sort. It's so annoying. She never ever wanted to set out to be a wife who would have to basically become the guy's mommy, finish raising him. And that's just about tannamount to what it's gonna come to, it seems. Either that or he'll just tell her to go take a hike, that he's not gonna be run around by the nose by his "wife". I doubt it. He does seem to love her dearly. That much is pretty evident.
So, unfortunately it looks like, at this juncture, that my daughter is gonna have to put on, and wear, a hat she never intended to have to wear. A "mommy" hat. And be the policeman to making him do right. Do what it is that a grown man should already be doing, for himself, without someone harranging in his ear about it.
I had to laugh as we sat outside and talked about all this for forever. Her dad told her about when we first married, what was so true. I was the "settled" sort. I've always been the *old soul*. Him? A partier. Why I let myself marry someone who was a wild buck like him, (at that time) I don't know, I was young and naieve I guess. But we got married, went on our honeymoon, came home, and he began his partying ways with his buds. Didn't miss a beat. He told our daughter a story of one night when he got off work (was working nights at the time) and decided he'd go partying with his buddies ....... once again, didn't he always, in those days. Came home drunk, yes, he drove home that way (this was 30 years ago). I had been sick with worry. This was before cell phones. I couldn't reach him, had no idea where he was, he hadn't called. He finally stumbled thru the door at about 2:00 a.m. (I had to be at work that a.m. at 7:00). I hadn't slept, because I'd been so worried. For him to have come in the door a drunk fool that he was. I was LIVID. Furious. He stumbled past me, and straight to the bed. I sat in the living room, so mad I could've ate nails. I thought to myself "I'll be damed if he's gonna go back there and go to sleep, nope, no way, not after I've sat here and worried myself sick, nope". And I went to the back, and slammed the door open, banging it against the wall, and flipped the light on. Told him, that no, he wasn't going to sleep, that I'd been up and couldn't sleep and was now too pent up with rage and can't sleep now either, so neither is he. He got up, stumbled to the light switch, turned the light off, and mumbled something in his drunken stupor and back onto the bed he fell. I waited long enough for him to turn over and get comfortable again, and I did it again, and again, opening that bedroom door, and SLAMMIING it against the wall opposite the door, and then flipping the light switch back on, and repeating that nope, he wasn't gonna just come home and sleep. This went on about 3 or 4 times, til he finally got up and tried (he was too drunk) to push me out of the bedroom, which I let him do, only so I could do it again and again. No sleep, for either of us that night. We were MUCH MUCH MUCH younger, and no kids at that point. But he told our daughter that story to illustrate to her, sometimes you do what you gotta, ............ it cured him. He quit doing that. And he did, quit doing that.
I don't hold out a lot of hope that our very own Peter Pan will change his stripes here. I really don't. It's too ingrained in him. His father, (who, btw, didn't raise him, but maybe it's genetic) told his mother the day they brought him home from the hospital, that this whole baby thing ....... he just wasn't signed on for it. And they soon after divorced. He has married one time, briefly, after that (after having impregnated his g'friend at the time). And since has not remarried. Has an eye-candy g'friend presently, that pays all the bills, and his money is what they travel on and go out to eat, and have fun on. He has no intention of marrying this gal, though he did go so far as to propose and put a ring on her finger, 4 years ago. He is a playboy. The bio dad didn't raise this guy, his mother did. But maybe it's genetic. Maybe it's too ingrained. He is gonna be the playboy too, like his dad. Just play all the time, let my daughter worry about how to pay the bills. I just don't hold out a lot of hope that he will change. And I'm sorry that my daughter is having to walk this road, but she was forewarned, OH WAS SHE FOREWARNED. If you had any idea how contentious things got around here, and for how long, ......... as I tried my level best, to get her to not marry him and being so forthright about the reasons why. She was warned. And so now, as she said "I had to make my bed, now I have to live in it". Yep, I guess she does. Til she decides to either plant the foot so far up his rear end he can't see straight and hope that changes things, or get out.
QUOTE (doaker @ Jul 13 2009, 05:49 AM)
I just need some advice from some who've been there before me.
I'm the one who several months back was pulling my hair out planning my daughter's wedding.
A little background. I stood toe-to-toe with my daughter for months, before even planning a wedding, begging that she not marry him right now. He hadn't shown any real propensity to keep a job. They are so young. They were high-school-sweethearts. He had, I think, by the time he proposed, been through about 14 jobs, none of which were, along the same career path, any career path really.
I discussed all this concern with my daughter, and in fact with him. In fact, it got very contentious. Basically, in the end, it came down to my daughter was going to marry this guy, she said as much, and informed me and her dad, that she and he will "work through this" (her words) together. She informed me and her dad, all of this through many many conversations, that she isn't blind, she sees the potential for problems, but that there will always be problems, life isn't problem-free, for any of us, and that she and he will forge whatever troubles there are "together".
So, our choice at that point was #1) throw up our hands and tell her "well then go get married however you see fit, don't expect me to put a dime behind it. Which would've caused even more contention and hard feelings. Or #2) go ahead and open the wallet, to the extent we were able to do so, and pay for the one and only wedding we will pay for, for her. The latter is the option we chose.
All the while, I was so upset. I knew they were going to have a really rough road ahead. He hadn't shown any real propensity to go to any kind of trade school, further education, and was floundering, flopping, from job to job. I had said all I could really.
So, now, fast-forward to now.
They married in March. He hasn't been employed since. Oh wait, yes, he was, for a period of about 3 weeks, he worked as a sales-person, but quit that job. He has "tried" he says, and continues to "try" he says.
Meanwhile, I watch my daughter, work every day, all the hours she can, even when she's sick. She says precious little to me and her father about any of it. I would suppose that's because she knows the numerous contentious conversations that took place on this very topic. My daughter who used to be what I term a "sweet old soul", has become krass/harsh/mean, hard-around-the-edges. Likely she just has to. The only thing she has said was this past week, when she was over briefly (she lives about 2 minutes from me). She seemed down in the dumps. I said "how are you?, everything alright?". I don't ask questions of the subject matter, it's like the big elephant standing in the room that nobody talks about, because anytime you ask her anything about it, her father more so than myself, she has, at least in the past, shut it down, by saying "I don't wanna talk about ". So the other day she was by here briefly and she seemed down (as she does A LOT, either down in the dumps or completely on pizzed off mode, those are her two emotions these days), I asked her "how are you, you seem down, everything alright?". She said "no mom, I'm not, .............. I'm just not happy these days, the only time I'm happy is when I'm at work". I said "well that's good, it's good you love your work". She said "I hate coming home, I don't even wanna come home, it's supposed to be the other way around isn't it". I said "well yea usually, what's up that you don't wanna come home?". She said in exasperation and sadness kind of ".........I'm 21 years old and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I have bill collectors after me, an unemployed husband, stress, ............... I should've listened, everybody tried to tell me, but no, I wouldn't listen, .......... I had to be prideful, I had to be stubborn, I had to make my bed, and now I have to lay in it".
I simply responded "well hopefully things will get better soon, I know he's trying hard to get that job at __________". She just sighed and said "yea we'll see".
That is the "only" one singular time, that she has said anything at all, as her dad and I have sat back and watched these last few mos. and him not employed, her carrying the load. As I said, we don't ask questions, or rather let me re-phrase, I don't ask questions. Her dad will do so periodically, and that's mostly because all of the contention that went on prior to the wedding, on this topic, was more so, at my feet. I'm the one who mostly stood toe to toe on this whole thing with the both of them, causing much consternation from the both of them. So it's kind of like a topic I don't dare approach at this point. So I stay away, typically, with a 10 foot pole. My thinking being, she made her decision, a wrong one. I begged her not to marry him at this time, wait, wait until he can find a career niche and stick with it, you guys go live together if you have to, but don't marry him, not right now. It was mostly me, at the helm of that argument. So I kind of have, since then, approached it, or rather "not" approached it, thinking, this was her decision, she made her decision, the guy is now her husband, which has to be her first priority, not me or her dad, ........... and so be it. This is her waggon to push now. So I stay way way way out of it.
But how? How do you continue to shut your mouth.
I got word a few weeks ago that they had no food in the house (thru her little sister, who visits there periodically). No she doesn't come to me for money, she knows that we too are struggling terribly. She never does come and ask for money, ever. I know that the new husband's g'dad seems to be money bags, and I guess doesn't mind throwing dollar after dollar at this problem, or so it would appear. Seems to be the only way they are keeping their heads barely above water, or at least that's my observation. I don't "really know for sure", because she doesn't talk about it. And I don't ask. And it's none of my business how the two of them "make it or don't". So I don't ask. But I got word from her little sister that they had no food in the house and so I sent a grocery gift card over for her. She thanked me profusely and asked how I knew that they needed that. But that's it, as far as any help that has come from here towards that direction. She didn't ask for it, I just did it.
But here's the more pressing issue. This guy, he has always been Mr. Funtime Charlie. In other words, he won't miss a get together, a party. He is very family oriented, her's or his, family. And he will ALWAYS be a part of anything going on, to the deteriment of any job he has, that's been our observation. Well, he recently, unemployed that he is, spent a week out of town, at a "supposedly" ailing family member's bedside. He has been back from that venture for about a week and half, and has now gone again, this time to vacation with his bio father and family. Bio dad lives in another state, but is currently visiting in our state (however, not local, in a location about 3 or 4 hours away from where we live). The father and his eye-candy g'friend, as well as the father's other son, from another marriage, are all vacationing here this week, and so he has gone to join them.
My daughter was by again yesterday to come have dinner with us, and her dad said something or other about him now being out of town. She said (she says so little), "..............once again, good ole me, I'll stay here and continue to work, hold the fort down, and he runs off galavanting having a good time". I said "why didn't you go?". She said "I have to work, I didn't even know this was in the works". I said "oh was this a last minute thing, his family deciding to come this way for vacation?". She said "TO ME yea, .......... I was the last to know, ............. apparently HE KNEW it, and had planned on going, but I didn't know it, I can't go last minute like that, I have to work". I didn't say anymore, not another word, but boy did I want to.
A little later, it was being discussed that her little sister is going to be out of town this next few days with a friend. Her little sister goes over daily to care for their puppy (why he can't do it, unemployed that he is, I don't know, don't ask). So she and I were discussing that her little sister will be out of town the next few days and unavailable to go care for their puppy while she works. She and I had discussed this last week and I asked her what she would do for the puppy's care in the absence of her little sister. She had responded that her husband could do it. Well we know now that's out the window, he is off vacationing with his bio family. So, as she was preparing to head on to her house last night, I asked her "so do you have it worked out with the puppy, your sister is leaving town tomorrow, won't be back til late Wednesday". She said a sigh like "no". I then volunteered, "well I can run over there if you need me to". She said a grateful "would you mind, oh thank you". I said "I THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THAT".
That's the only thing derrogatory that I've said about ANY OF THIS in the last few mos. I have to tread so lightly. Her's and my relationship became so strained with my standing toe-to-toe with her on this whole "wait on the marriage thing".
She simply responded to the above comment with "I know, I did too, don't even get me started, just don't even go there". I let it drop.
I am having to bite my tongue purely OFF, around him, and around her. There is so much that I want to say, but I don't. How do you just continue to keep your mouth shut. I am serious. How do you do it. Yes, as I said above, I am a firm believer in the fact that this is her bed, she made it, now go live it, ........ and her husband is now her first priority and I am nothing but a meddling mother in law to do otherwise, so I stay out of it. But I am likely giving myself an ulcer and untold stress in the process. When I say that I say nothing to her, or to him, I mean it. The above comment that I made about thinking that her husband was going to care for the dog in the absence of her little sister, that is the ONLY thing I have said, in the last few mos. As I've watched him, get new tires off his g'dad, for his truck, since he "had to" (read above, won't miss a family event) make the trip down to a family member on our side, graduating from high school. An event planned, for the graduation, and we had known for mos., ........... he "had to" have new tires, to make the trip. Heck, there were numerous of us going in that direction, they ......... he and she ......... could've jumped into one of our cars, and gone. But nope. He "had to" have new tires. G'daddy foot the bill for 4 new tires, $600, so they could make the trip. As I watch him in that venue tout that he can go do thus and so, he has the money, ........... something that was being discussed in the way of an excursion of sorts, that none of the rest of us could afford to do and said so, and him piping in with "well I can, I can afford that, let's go ...............". This guy who hasn't held a steady job since they married, and her carrying the load, and him sitting there all boastful that "he can afford it". No, his wife (my daughter) was not sitting there as that comment was made.
Just so much that goes on. How do you continue to shut your pie hole. It is so hard.
I'm the one who several months back was pulling my hair out planning my daughter's wedding.
A little background. I stood toe-to-toe with my daughter for months, before even planning a wedding, begging that she not marry him right now. He hadn't shown any real propensity to keep a job. They are so young. They were high-school-sweethearts. He had, I think, by the time he proposed, been through about 14 jobs, none of which were, along the same career path, any career path really.
I discussed all this concern with my daughter, and in fact with him. In fact, it got very contentious. Basically, in the end, it came down to my daughter was going to marry this guy, she said as much, and informed me and her dad, that she and he will "work through this" (her words) together. She informed me and her dad, all of this through many many conversations, that she isn't blind, she sees the potential for problems, but that there will always be problems, life isn't problem-free, for any of us, and that she and he will forge whatever troubles there are "together".
So, our choice at that point was #1) throw up our hands and tell her "well then go get married however you see fit, don't expect me to put a dime behind it. Which would've caused even more contention and hard feelings. Or #2) go ahead and open the wallet, to the extent we were able to do so, and pay for the one and only wedding we will pay for, for her. The latter is the option we chose.
All the while, I was so upset. I knew they were going to have a really rough road ahead. He hadn't shown any real propensity to go to any kind of trade school, further education, and was floundering, flopping, from job to job. I had said all I could really.
So, now, fast-forward to now.
They married in March. He hasn't been employed since. Oh wait, yes, he was, for a period of about 3 weeks, he worked as a sales-person, but quit that job. He has "tried" he says, and continues to "try" he says.
Meanwhile, I watch my daughter, work every day, all the hours she can, even when she's sick. She says precious little to me and her father about any of it. I would suppose that's because she knows the numerous contentious conversations that took place on this very topic. My daughter who used to be what I term a "sweet old soul", has become krass/harsh/mean, hard-around-the-edges. Likely she just has to. The only thing she has said was this past week, when she was over briefly (she lives about 2 minutes from me). She seemed down in the dumps. I said "how are you?, everything alright?". I don't ask questions of the subject matter, it's like the big elephant standing in the room that nobody talks about, because anytime you ask her anything about it, her father more so than myself, she has, at least in the past, shut it down, by saying "I don't wanna talk about ". So the other day she was by here briefly and she seemed down (as she does A LOT, either down in the dumps or completely on pizzed off mode, those are her two emotions these days), I asked her "how are you, you seem down, everything alright?". She said "no mom, I'm not, .............. I'm just not happy these days, the only time I'm happy is when I'm at work". I said "well that's good, it's good you love your work". She said "I hate coming home, I don't even wanna come home, it's supposed to be the other way around isn't it". I said "well yea usually, what's up that you don't wanna come home?". She said in exasperation and sadness kind of ".........I'm 21 years old and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I have bill collectors after me, an unemployed husband, stress, ............... I should've listened, everybody tried to tell me, but no, I wouldn't listen, .......... I had to be prideful, I had to be stubborn, I had to make my bed, and now I have to lay in it".
I simply responded "well hopefully things will get better soon, I know he's trying hard to get that job at __________". She just sighed and said "yea we'll see".
That is the "only" one singular time, that she has said anything at all, as her dad and I have sat back and watched these last few mos. and him not employed, her carrying the load. As I said, we don't ask questions, or rather let me re-phrase, I don't ask questions. Her dad will do so periodically, and that's mostly because all of the contention that went on prior to the wedding, on this topic, was more so, at my feet. I'm the one who mostly stood toe to toe on this whole thing with the both of them, causing much consternation from the both of them. So it's kind of like a topic I don't dare approach at this point. So I stay away, typically, with a 10 foot pole. My thinking being, she made her decision, a wrong one. I begged her not to marry him at this time, wait, wait until he can find a career niche and stick with it, you guys go live together if you have to, but don't marry him, not right now. It was mostly me, at the helm of that argument. So I kind of have, since then, approached it, or rather "not" approached it, thinking, this was her decision, she made her decision, the guy is now her husband, which has to be her first priority, not me or her dad, ........... and so be it. This is her waggon to push now. So I stay way way way out of it.
But how? How do you continue to shut your mouth.
I got word a few weeks ago that they had no food in the house (thru her little sister, who visits there periodically). No she doesn't come to me for money, she knows that we too are struggling terribly. She never does come and ask for money, ever. I know that the new husband's g'dad seems to be money bags, and I guess doesn't mind throwing dollar after dollar at this problem, or so it would appear. Seems to be the only way they are keeping their heads barely above water, or at least that's my observation. I don't "really know for sure", because she doesn't talk about it. And I don't ask. And it's none of my business how the two of them "make it or don't". So I don't ask. But I got word from her little sister that they had no food in the house and so I sent a grocery gift card over for her. She thanked me profusely and asked how I knew that they needed that. But that's it, as far as any help that has come from here towards that direction. She didn't ask for it, I just did it.
But here's the more pressing issue. This guy, he has always been Mr. Funtime Charlie. In other words, he won't miss a get together, a party. He is very family oriented, her's or his, family. And he will ALWAYS be a part of anything going on, to the deteriment of any job he has, that's been our observation. Well, he recently, unemployed that he is, spent a week out of town, at a "supposedly" ailing family member's bedside. He has been back from that venture for about a week and half, and has now gone again, this time to vacation with his bio father and family. Bio dad lives in another state, but is currently visiting in our state (however, not local, in a location about 3 or 4 hours away from where we live). The father and his eye-candy g'friend, as well as the father's other son, from another marriage, are all vacationing here this week, and so he has gone to join them.
My daughter was by again yesterday to come have dinner with us, and her dad said something or other about him now being out of town. She said (she says so little), "..............once again, good ole me, I'll stay here and continue to work, hold the fort down, and he runs off galavanting having a good time". I said "why didn't you go?". She said "I have to work, I didn't even know this was in the works". I said "oh was this a last minute thing, his family deciding to come this way for vacation?". She said "TO ME yea, .......... I was the last to know, ............. apparently HE KNEW it, and had planned on going, but I didn't know it, I can't go last minute like that, I have to work". I didn't say anymore, not another word, but boy did I want to.
A little later, it was being discussed that her little sister is going to be out of town this next few days with a friend. Her little sister goes over daily to care for their puppy (why he can't do it, unemployed that he is, I don't know, don't ask). So she and I were discussing that her little sister will be out of town the next few days and unavailable to go care for their puppy while she works. She and I had discussed this last week and I asked her what she would do for the puppy's care in the absence of her little sister. She had responded that her husband could do it. Well we know now that's out the window, he is off vacationing with his bio family. So, as she was preparing to head on to her house last night, I asked her "so do you have it worked out with the puppy, your sister is leaving town tomorrow, won't be back til late Wednesday". She said a sigh like "no". I then volunteered, "well I can run over there if you need me to". She said a grateful "would you mind, oh thank you". I said "I THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THAT".
That's the only thing derrogatory that I've said about ANY OF THIS in the last few mos. I have to tread so lightly. Her's and my relationship became so strained with my standing toe-to-toe with her on this whole "wait on the marriage thing".
She simply responded to the above comment with "I know, I did too, don't even get me started, just don't even go there". I let it drop.
I am having to bite my tongue purely OFF, around him, and around her. There is so much that I want to say, but I don't. How do you just continue to keep your mouth shut. I am serious. How do you do it. Yes, as I said above, I am a firm believer in the fact that this is her bed, she made it, now go live it, ........ and her husband is now her first priority and I am nothing but a meddling mother in law to do otherwise, so I stay out of it. But I am likely giving myself an ulcer and untold stress in the process. When I say that I say nothing to her, or to him, I mean it. The above comment that I made about thinking that her husband was going to care for the dog in the absence of her little sister, that is the ONLY thing I have said, in the last few mos. As I've watched him, get new tires off his g'dad, for his truck, since he "had to" (read above, won't miss a family event) make the trip down to a family member on our side, graduating from high school. An event planned, for the graduation, and we had known for mos., ........... he "had to" have new tires, to make the trip. Heck, there were numerous of us going in that direction, they ......... he and she ......... could've jumped into one of our cars, and gone. But nope. He "had to" have new tires. G'daddy foot the bill for 4 new tires, $600, so they could make the trip. As I watch him in that venue tout that he can go do thus and so, he has the money, ........... something that was being discussed in the way of an excursion of sorts, that none of the rest of us could afford to do and said so, and him piping in with "well I can, I can afford that, let's go ...............". This guy who hasn't held a steady job since they married, and her carrying the load, and him sitting there all boastful that "he can afford it". No, his wife (my daughter) was not sitting there as that comment was made.
Just so much that goes on. How do you continue to shut your pie hole. It is so hard.
Hello,
Sounds just like my daughter. One day they went to sleep normal and woke up crazy. That is what I said about my kids .My daughter married a bum also. Don't give yourself a stroke worrying. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown or explode and hurt someone. She finally came to her senses. Your daughter will too, just give her time. Be there if she needs to talk and just love her, it will be very difficult, but if I can do it, I know u can. I tend to speak my mind. It gets me in alot of misunderstandings and lots of people hate me. You are a wonderful loving mother. She is blessed to have you. Just hold on, time changes everything.
QUOTE (menopaused @ Jul 14 2009, 05:35 PM)
Hello,
Sounds just like my daughter. One day they went to sleep normal and woke up crazy. That is what I said about my kids .My daughter married a bum also. Don't give yourself a stroke worrying. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown or explode and hurt someone. She finally came to her senses. Your daughter will too, just give her time. Be there if she needs to talk and just love her, it will be very difficult, but if I can do it, I know u can. I tend to speak my mind. It gets me in alot of misunderstandings and lots of people hate me. You are a wonderful loving mother. She is blessed to have you. Just hold on, time changes everything.
Sounds just like my daughter. One day they went to sleep normal and woke up crazy. That is what I said about my kids .My daughter married a bum also. Don't give yourself a stroke worrying. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown or explode and hurt someone. She finally came to her senses. Your daughter will too, just give her time. Be there if she needs to talk and just love her, it will be very difficult, but if I can do it, I know u can. I tend to speak my mind. It gets me in alot of misunderstandings and lots of people hate me. You are a wonderful loving mother. She is blessed to have you. Just hold on, time changes everything.
I talked to her briefly last night when she finished work. She was, in fact, sitting in an empty parking lot, everybody already gone home, and she didn't want to go home. Her husband there, back from his little mini-vacation and her resolute in knowing she had to now go home and be around him, and worse yet, sit down and talk to him about all this. As she has described, she went from being the lovings/supporting/caring wife, in the beginning, to being a nagging bitchy, fighting all the time, to now, she is a shut down wife. She has just shut down. Says of it all "why bother, he just lies, tells you what he's *gonna* do, he's *gonna* this, he's *gonna* that, *gonna, gonna, gonna*, I'm so sick of *gonna*". So she says "why bother, he's just gonna lie, and tell me what he's *gonna* do, I'm sick of it".
She sat there in her her car, the parking lot of her work, talking to me on the phone, dreading going home. She told me "Mom do you know, he just said the other night, he's been wanting to go to ______________________<don't remember what she called it, some vacation destination> for his bday <his bday is November>, so he can go gamble, ........... he's been wanting to do that, for his next bday that comes up, do you know that just Saturday night before we fought about him taking off yet again, to go have fun, he mentioned about that "ya know why do we have to wait til my bday?, why can't we just go ahead and plan it and go". She said she told him "YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB, we have bill collectors calling us, we can't pay our bills, ........... if you GET A JOB, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO START THAT JOB AND THEN BE ASKING FOR TIME OFF TO GO VACATION WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?!??!?!".
She said that he also has it in his mind, ................. his playboy dad is gonna be vacationing in the Fall, over in the Dominican Republic. Has his flight purchased, a condo rented, etc. And so my daughter was telling me that he is trying to spin the wheels on that too. How is it he can make it happen to go on that venture. She said to me "mom he acts like somebody who is 35 years old, and well set in their career, loads of savings in the bank, ......... and can do these things, ........... and I'm the ole hag over here, saying *no* that aint happening".
I almost wish she would call that dad of his and tell him, "Look, everytime you put a bug in his ear about some wonderful tropical paradise you are going to, he gets ants in his pants, let me give you a clue what we're living here, I don't know what he is telling you about our financial footing here, but let me give you a clearer picture.................". But she loathes his father. She has no conversation with the man. The man, the first time he met her, they sat at a restaurant, and had dinner, she with her future husband, ............ and his father and the eyecandy g'friend, and the father said out loud, right in front of her, like she wasn't even there, said to his son "what are you doing? getting saddled down in a relationship boy?, ............ you should be in college with two hotties on each arm". Said that right in front of my daughter. There has been much more than that, that causes my daughter to despise her husband's dad, most of which is his playboy ways, his party ways, ............ So I don't guess that'll happen, that she'd call the dad up and tell him to shut his pie hole with regard to trying to pull his son into vacation plans. That's just what needs to happen.
I've tried to impart to her, that since he lies, and he does, that she needs to lift the veil of all that, and begin to let others around her, more importantly, his family members, know, ................. let me know. She doesn't know what he's telling them. For all they know, maybe she is setting the world on fire income-wise, and they are on easy street, ............. maybe he's lying to all of em about it.
But she sat in the parking lot of her work last night, everybody gone home, and she didn't want to go home. Knowing her husband, now back in town, knowing she now has to go face this, and yes, come out of shut-down mode and try to work with this.
I just said to her "well you knew this was going to be a problem for you guys, we talked about it all numerous times". She cut me off, and said in an exaggerated tone of how she now sees how ridiculous her whole assertions were "BUT I LOVE HIM, I WANT TO BE WITH HIM, WE'LL WORK IT OUT TOGETHER". Those fateful words I heard so many times, as I stood in such opposition to the whole thing. She was mimicking her ridiculousness, ...... in repeating it.
I said to her "that's right, ............ so now you have to go home and deal with it, ............. you can't just shut down". She said with a sigh "I know, I can't just keep shutting down, I'll find myself a year from now, hating him, and in even worse shape". She said "mom what am I gonna do?, he's gonna want to talk about this he's gonna do, that he's gonna do, this vacation, that vacation, ............ and I have to be the bad cop, I have to be his mommy and wag my finger at him and tell him no he can't do do ________________________". I said "well I'm sure you'll find the right way to approach it all, but that's just what you have to do, this is your husband now, and none of this is a big surprise, this has been a problem all along, so now you have to figure out how to deal with it".
We talked for a few more mins. and with a sigh she said "well let me go, I'm gonna head for home, and I'm gonna pray the whole way home, that I find the right way to approach this, and better yet, the right way to stay engaged in all this, when all I wanna do is throw up my hands".
I think you should be commended for handling things the way you have. Deroggatory comments re: her huband will only fuel the fire and you possibly cause an end to your relationship with your daughter. She seems like a bright girl from your comments and eventually she will see the light. Remember the old adage "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink". Sometimes we just have to find out for ourselves, don't we <smile>...... Eventually she will get out of the situation on her own. She simply needs to know that you love her and are there for her, no matter what. Keep your chin up.
Retriever2
Retriever2
QUOTE (Shebee @ Jul 14 2009, 04:33 AM)
Sit back...let this run it's course.
If you bail her out, it is likely that she will stay with him longer.
If you bail her out, it is likely that she will stay with him longer.
I couldn't agree more.
We have to allow our children to make their own mistakes....
It's how they grow.
It sure is heartbreaking at times.
Breaks the mama's heart...right into.
My daughter had one of those too...
QUOTE (doaker @ Jul 14 2009, 01:51 PM)
Yes it is a shame but we all make bad choices and mistakes and hopefully learn from them.
There are a certain type of man,I call them Peter Pans,they just never quite grow up.
There are a certain type of man,I call them Peter Pans,they just never quite grow up.
I call them....Douche Bags!
Geez...this brings back...old memories.
Hopefully, DB will pack up...& go live with his playboy daddy.
Neither one of them...including grandpa...big bucks....has grown up.
Keep hanging in there....
It needs to be her choice....otherwise, it's all on you.
Yep
Dear doaker, don't sit back and shut your pie hole, vent here.....just writing this here unloaded a ton of stress of your chest. I don't know about the laws in your State but I would definitely check out the rules of "ANNULMENT." Mr. Loser in Law misrepresented himself. It sounds like his family is enabling him by throwing him regular stipends from time to time, thus preventing him from getting too hungry. I would let your daughter stew in this a while longer and I will bet that as long as you stay fairly neutral to her face, she will get sick of footing the bill for Mr. Loser and boot him to the curb. I remember when I was a late teen I got involved with a total disgusting LOSER. I wanted to marry him. I was crazy about him. My first love and all. He was a puke to say the least. I was so blind. He bought me this engagement ring and I proudly showed my folks. Although I could tell they were biting their tongues, they did not speak against this creep. They did enforce boundries and curfews and after a year with this lowlife, I pulled my head out of my rearend and broke it off with him. I see this sad looking low life every now and then and am utterly mortified that I could have fallen for this "thing" and that I almost married him. He looks like a old worn out saddle bag with a mullet that he attempts to pull into a micro thin pony tail. He has pockets under his eyes from the years of heavy drinking and his teeth are as yellow as a sewer rats, at lease the ones he has left. Just sit back now, give her emotional support when she asks for it and I guarantee she will be plotting her escape. The only way to turn this Loserinlaw around would be for her to leave and pull the financial gravy train away from the station. Even then there would be no guarantee he would change. Hang in there, she is young and motivated. At least your not the one stuck with having Loserinlaw as a biological son!!!!!! Debra
It's not to late for her to admit it was a big mistake to marry. Tell her that. Then have her tell him and talk it out. I say they should end it while SO young and offer her to come back home to stay in her room until she gets back on her feet. If she has a good job she can find a house to share or apt. with a couple of girls or find a person needing a roomate. Tell her she has a whole life ahead of her. Marriage if a long road- especially if your unhappy and with the wrong person. As a mother myself, I would support her divorcing him and start over. But make sure she knows she has a place to go and you both will support her.
Good luck!
PS: I never saw a marriage work when one set of the parents does not approve of it from the get go!
Good luck!
PS: I never saw a marriage work when one set of the parents does not approve of it from the get go!
OH by the way- tell her to be VERY careful NOT to get pregnant!!!!
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