I haven't posted in awhile because my depression and anxiety have just been eating me up more. I have been reading alot of the posts on derealization and depersonalization which is a big part of what I'm going through now too. There is a term 'jame vu' or 'jaime vu' which is the opposite of deja vu where I experience total loss of reality and things that are familiar or which should be familiar like my home surroundings, people I know etc. are frighteningly unreal to me, like I don't know where I am at, who I am or who these people are. I was scared to post of these effects I was having with my other symptoms because I thought no one could possibly understand and even though reading others having these feelings has been reassuring, the hell that it is experiencing this daily has become too much. I am distraught constantly with panic, anxiety, depression, jame vus, depersonalization...if it's not one thing one hour it is something else the next hour.

I just don't see any future here anymore or any possibilities of getting better. I see no hope anymore. I have had hormonal issues since a teenager on and off but the last couple of years I have literally been living in such a nightmare that I don't think I can go on anymore. Lord knows I have tried SO very hard to figure this out. I've been to doctor after doctor, done test after test, tried everything I could giving each potential remedy time alone in my body to figure out if it could help and I'm still in a very dark period which I'm afraid I have to accept at this point I just might not come out of.

Progesterone cream made me feel very dark depression, the birth control pills and ADs made me feel more suicidal than ever, estrogel intensified my anxiety. I've even tried Brevail, DIM and phytoestrogens for some kind of balance only to feel even more out of balance. My thyroid is actually in great working shape with very low TSH and upper T3 and T4 go figure so I know it's estrogen/progesterone ratio related.

Out of all this hell I feel I've atleast I've identified that too much P in my system I feel more lethargic and depressed and too much E I feel overly anxious with panic. So what do I live with? I can't seem to balance the two. Would I rather live with severe depression that leaves me feeling suicidal or anxiety and panic which gives the feeling of going completely crazy? The depression mixed with anxiety has gotten so bad that it follows me into my sleep. I am petrified to go to bed at night because my nitemares are SO horrific I even dream of sickening thoughts of death and suicide. It has gotten so bad I have completely confined myself becoming agoraphobic and drinking some to cover this horrible mental pain. I can't think straight and the depersonalization is the scariest of all not having a sense of any reality.

I honestly don't want to live another day like this and my hope for any kind of recovery given that I have tried so many things and not felt relief or comfort in anyway has just intensified my pain. I wonder really if I just am not meant to get better or meant to suffer in some way. I have completely lost the old me and I don't think I'll ever find her again. I have prayed my heart out pouring my soul to God and have heard nothing feeling completely isolated from Him too. I really just want to go home and end this torture. This isn't living. No one in my life understands this and it kills me to see people living productive lives while I suffer needlessly and them having no comprehension of this pain and how it's a struggle minute by minute just to 'live' which isn't even life. THIS IS NOT LIVING!

I'm in such pain, total tears now feeling this is the end for me? I just cannot live and suffer if this is what my life is going to be like. What kills me the most out of all of this is that I have SO much real life to offer. I have such a big heart and would love to be giving to others in everyway possible and yet the mental pain has crippled me and taken all of the love and life out of me that I could be doing good and positive in this world with. That hurts my heart the most even over my own depression, anxiety and unreality. A wasted soul that could be adding more to this world bogged down by such mental torture as unable to even function.

I want to thank you all for listening. This forum, you ladies are the ONLY ones that have ever understood my circumstances and have offered such loving words of advice and understanding having been there. I found hope here but after all my trials and errors and the pain I'm suffering daily I just don't see anymore hope. This pain has to end one way or another and the hormones have totally taken over leaving me with no idea how to balance them anymore. I'm so sorry for this sad sad post but I just don't know where else to turn and I have no one that understands. I'm alone, isolated on top of it all and I just want this to end so bad God if you could feel this pain right now. I say to others I wish they could just feel it one minute let alone a day so they could understand. God PLEASE take this pain from me. What did I do to deserve this???? I'm sorry crying too hard have to stop now

shar- trust me when i say i feel your pain- 2 years ago i was hspitalized with meno-phychosis , brought on by not eating or sleeping for a week, i was there for 3 days my mind went on a 3 day leave of absense, i was totatly out of it, after 3 days i came back to a normal state of mind and it was the scariest thing i ever been thru- it does get better at that time i didnt want to go on either but im sooo glad i did - it will get better i promise....you are not crazy you are hormonally sick, please remember that, do not google your symtoms , it will drive you crazy with fear- i will not tell you to just snap out of it, cause its not something you can just dooo, put your mind in a place that it is hormonally sick ,come here and read, i will pray for you tonite when i say my prays , hang in there you will servive and be a stronger person and woman -god be with you

one more thing dont let this peri win...get mad at it take your life back into control, i too have had anxiety since i was young, im 49 now ive had nite sweats for the last 16yrs deppression for 25 yrs off and on , dizziness on a daily basis, afraid to go out, dont associate with others well , you name it ive had it for years, i just got to a point where if this was gonna kill me oh well at least id be out of my misery but until then i was gonna live every day like its my last and praise god on the good days and bad, and beleive every thing happens for his reason and some day we will find out... god has a plan for you, let me know how you are and how that plan carrys out !!! peace be with you

Shar!!

I was so upset to read your post!! I had so hoped we hadn't seen you in awhile because you are feeling better....I am SO SORRY the opposite is true.

Shar, as much as I understand the desire to give up, you MUST NOT. I was in a state pretty similar to yours, and I did come out the other end in one piece. You have to hang in there!! I KNOW how hard it is!! I remember thinking I did NOT want to live feeling the way I did. I KNOW how horrible it is to not be "YOU" anymore!! To feel like you have lost the person you were.

Try and remember that you are in the middle of a hormonal firestorm....your entire endoctrine system is going crazy, ups and down, out of balance....and you FEEL it!! It is terrible, to feel like you have lost control of your body....that it is no longer your friend. But it will stop!! I can't say when, but trust me, someday you WILL come out the other side!!

Until then, keep looking for answers!!! Don't give up, never give up!! Be strong, keep coming here! PM me if you need more one on one! Please!!

BIG HUGS coming your way!!!

SHAR DONT GIVE UP !!!! I HAV BEEN RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE AND STAYED THERE FOR ABOUT 3 MONTHS.i SERIOUSLY THOUGHT I WAS LOSING MY MIND ,,THOUGHT I WAS DEVELOPING SCHITZOPHRENIA !!! SERIOUSLY I PRAYED FOR DEATH EVERYDAY.I PROMISE THIS WILL PASS !!!
God is with you shar...I can promise you that when any of Gods children are in the fire , he is right there next you..he is there shar and just like you said in your post , you dont know why or how you are surviving this..it's because he is carrying you.We are here with you too shar...would you like my phone number ? I will talk with you if u like.

I am soooo sorry you are in the emotional pain you are in. I am suffering albeit not quite as badly as you. It comes and goes. The daily fears of death, diseases of any kind and that slight feeling of being out of control, it sits with me every day, some days it is in the forefront more that others. I too wonder what is awaiting around the next bend with this transition. What I am experiencing is scary but I just hope this too shall pass. I hate feeling like this too. I don't have any pat answers I truly know that it isn't something you just snap out of. I know most people don't get it, they just think you are complaining or over reacting. To those people I say "walk a mile in my shoes" for just one bad day and you will never spout such nonsense again. Take one day at a time, one second at a time. This is an old saying but holds true, ending things may seem like a better alternative than what you are living with right now but it is a "permanent solution for a temporary problem". Be kind to yourself and try and do one small positive thing each day, it doesn't have to be big. Whether it is get out of bed and get dressed or sit outside with a cup of tea, close your eyes and let the sun's warm rays beat on your face. One small tiny thing each day, it doesn't matter what it is. One little step in front of the other. Try and not isolate yourself, I know that feels like the safest and most natural thing to do right now. Trust me when I say that if you can manage to engage with the world in some way, you will feel better. In the same token, honor how you feel too, if solitude feels like what you need then try and be in solitude in a pampering kind of way. Please hang in there, the brightness may only be one day away, don't give up!!

We all feel your pain...plenty of us have been there!
You aren't alone! How about a group hug!

Hi shar,

I was so sad to read your post. I know how awful depression and anxiety can be. I don't understand why some go through such extreme suffering mentally. My husband has depression and has lived with it for many years and he is "male". I think depression and anxiety is some kind of hormone mix up and it affects the brain also.

My husband was at the brink of wanting to die 3 years ago. It was bad. It has taken him a long time to pull out of that dark place. He has come a long way, he has really good days now, but he does still have rough days. PLEASE don't give up.

Please latch on to something positive, try to stay busy, too much thinking and thinking is not good when depressed. My husband didn't want to do a thing for over a year. He cried every morning, the mornings were the worst for him. Depression has it's worst time, either morning or night. If you can figure out when your worst time is, then you can prepare yourself and be gentle so that you can get through the worst part of the day. It is a matter of planning some things out and getting some help.

Shar I feel for you, please take care and listen to all your friends here.

Hugs, Juliann

Dear Shar,
Please don't give up, it will pass.I have been there.When we are in the throws of the mental part of peri,everthing it seems is magnified.Keep telling yourself that its peri, that is what gets me through. I will keep you in my prayers.

(((((((HUGS)))))))
Rhonda P

Dear Shar,
I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering with anxiety and depression. I spent many days and nights suffering with these two awful symptoms as well. I also had the dr/dp. There really is nothing worse then feeling like you've lost yourself. I understand on a deep level what you are going through.
I felt God had forgotten me too, but I want to encourage you that he most certainly did not and he hasn't forgotten you either. One day after suffering for what seemed like eternity to me and after trying many different ways to including meds, Bhrt, herbals..(which I couldn't find a balance with either) the anxiety and depression just lifted. I didn't do a thing.. it just left and hasn't returned for two years.

I am back to my old self minus a few hot flashes and adrenal surges. I get out of bed each morning with no anxiety at all and this was my worst symptom! Like you, I never wanted to go anywhere, now I love going places. When I suffering I never wanted to decorate my house and I loved to go treasure hunting and find new things that would inspire me to decorate... guess what, I'm treasure hunting every chance I get again and right now my husband and I are installing a new awning for our deck.. which I would have had absolutely no interest in at all before.
This winter we put in a new kitchen floor and cabinets. I had the floor material here when I was to sick to bother now.. the floor is installed and the cabinets up.
When I was going through the worst of the anxiety and depression I couldn't feel emotional connection even close to before.
Now, I feel connected, now I feel comfortable with my family, now I'm me again. Please don't give up. You will be you again. You don't need to figure this out.. your body will figure this out on its own, just continue to come here and lean on your sisters who understand and care.

Try not to over think this.. you will see brighter days again.. don't trust the feelings.. it's anxiety and depression they aren't to be trusted.
If you haven't already read the book by Claire Weeks... 'Hope and Help for your Nerves', it's a great book to help you along the way in understanding anxiety and the symptoms that manifest from it.
Please know this is temporary. You will survive and you will be you again. You can always PM me anytime.

Much love and understanding,
Jalyn

Shar, this comment right here is what you need to stay focused on.
I could have written this same post you did. I can't tell you how many days I was close to giving up because of the pain of illness, anxiety, depression. I lost so much and was becoming a shell.
My deepest sadness came when I would think of how "alive" I used to be with humour and how my circumstance had taken it all away.

When I was in my darkest days, someone told me to think about how prisoners of war would bare their environment. They were free souls trapped in a cage with nothing but fear and their thoughts <---- (does this sound familiar), but how with the sheer will and knowledge that they were more than their circumstance and that they would one day be free, well they sustained.

Right now, you're a prisoner in your own body. Balance will come. You need to take time and as much as you HATE your "captors", respect them, embrace them and know that you will break through from this.

Doctors are pretty much useless in your situation. Have you ever thought about seeing an ND? MD's have NO IDEA how to balance the body, but ND's are natural dr's training medically in med school and deal only with balance.

Don't give up, because giving up feels a lot worse than fighting, even thought fighting is really hard, we are women DARNIT And can endure a lot

hugs

Please don't give up.........please. I felt almost the exact same way three years ago. I thought I was dying and everything in my body was completely off for 6 months I had to force myself to get up and move. I had to go to work too....but got a job with less stress to help me cope with this change. You are not alone...many of us have felt the same way and we're making it. Some better than others but things are not as bad as they were back then. Nothing worked for me either and I tried many things. What helped for 3 months was Lexapro until I developed side effects but it go me through the deep, dark depression that I felt.


Again, please, hang in there. If you PM me your number I'd be happy to give you a call. Maybe some of the other would do the same.

Hugs,
Karen

Shar,

I went through the same depression/derealization stuff as you while going through peri.

Now, at 3.5 years post, I am MUCH, MUCH better! I enjoy doing things again, and have far many more days of good energy than not! I have done all kinds of renovation projects in my home in the past year, and this after lying around on the couch for 2 years!!!

Don't give up hope. We do reclaim what we've lost, but I'll tell you, we are so much wiser on the other side. And it gives us an opportunity to help those who are struggling. One day, when you hear a frightened woman talking about how she's "just holding on," you'll be able to tell her with confidence: I made it through.

Be well. Rest. Eat as well as you can, and that includes treats on occasion! Let others care for you. Be gentle with yourself. If any little thing gives you comfort, do that. For me, it was making one jigsaw puzzle after another for awhile - I think I was metaphorically trying to "put the pieces together" to find my way out of hell.

And I did.

(((HUGS))) to you Shar,
JJ

The depression mixed with anxiety has gotten so bad that it follows me into my sleep. I am petrified to go to bed at night because my nightmares are SO horrific I even dream of sickening thoughts of death and suicide. It has gotten so bad I have completely confined myself becoming agoraphobic and drinking some to cover this horrible mental pain. I can't think straight and the depersonalization is the scariest of all not having a sense of any reality.

Shar,
I'm so sorry you are feeling the horrific effects of this peri journey! We all have our demons to deal with at this time and some of us are unlucky enough to have to deal with quite a bit more then others.

Your journey is a rough one, but do not give up. There are parts I relate to that I'm not proud of myself.
3 yrs ago the depression was grabbing me, I wasn't aware of how bad it would get. The night time dreams, well I never really associated them with any of this, I didn't put the 2 together. But I too was trying to cover the pain with drinking...and I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until a friend pointed it out to me and I begin to try to curb the drinking. I went through withdrawal because I had drank so much for so long.

The inner pain I felt dropped deeper and deeper until I finally talked to my doctor about it. He put me on the AD and for me luckily it helped. Now that I've got the AD in me, I no longer crave that drink to make the pain go away. My bad dreams have all but stopped.

I too come here for support, I don't post very often but I do a lot of reading at times. This journey has been going on for me for a VERY long time. But I 'think' the worse is finally passing. I still have symptoms to surface, but it seems they don't stay around as long as they did before. I am sooo thankful for that!!!

So please don't give up, all of us are here for the same reason...we want/need help that only those going through can understand. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other and soon things will begin to be better...but you can't just give up...everyone here will help hold you up as you stumble through...we know you can do this.

Big hugs from another peri sis...life is tough, but we women are tougher!!
jes

Our sister of power surge will help you through this nightmare. I know they have helped me. I know that your feelings are very real because I feel them myself. If not for the support of my wonderful husband I don't think I could take it anymore. The anxiety is the worst for me. Give me a hot flash or night sweat anyday but not the ANXIETY.

I started an exercise program 6 weeks ago and go faithfully 6 days a week. It has help me physically but mental only just a little. Yesterday the doc called to give my my results from my blood work. All good but my CRP which measure inflamations in the body and heart. Well mine came back elevated. Don't need to tell you what happened next. I started having an anxiety/panic attack. I hated to but I took a 1/4 of a xanex before it got too bad. I just don't understand how I have lost so much control of my nerves. My husband says i used to be so tough and now I am a whimp!!! I feel filled with fear and anxiety and just can't make it stop. Both my children are leaving out of state for college in August and I can only imagine how that is going to effect me.

I am 51 still having my periods and am not menopausal My FSH is 9.5 and I have been feeling like this for 4 years. I was given Activilla an HRT for the night sweats and hot flashes but stopped it a monthe ago. I have not had a HF or NS since, so do I really need it.

I see my GYN today but do not have much hope that he can make all this go away without AD. I hate to take pills. I do think that if you are feeling that you can not longer take this nightmare you must seek help. Early on I took cymbolta for 2 years and it DID HELP however it has sexual side effects. In other words you can go to the party but you never get to dance. LOL It made me feel normal again, its worth a try even with the side effects.

If you are religious you need to pray I do all the time and have started to meditate and that has helped. I am always looking for ways to make all this go away.


Hang in there.

Angel1

Shar...please check in with us today to let us know you are alright....reading your post my heart breaks and trust us we have had these feelings of not being able to take another day....but you find you can.....even if it is right now just literally taking one minute at a time.....don't look ahead and wonder...just take it one min. at a time and you will find that from mintute to minute things change and if you bite off only this much you also may notice you do have good moments throughout the day even if very brief right now...they are there. I too have felt your spiritual pain almost to the exact words and know I have so much to offer the world as I am a giving/loving person and the things I would love to do for others, but can't right now.....I also think what a waste of some of my gifts.....I have also become agoraphobic due mainly to the DP/DR and the dizziness/spacey feeling and palp's...I have spent the last year trying to get out and function normally...I make progress and then my body starts to act up and I retreat...I have sat here and cried/sobbing I can't take anymore crouch myself in a corner....please...how much more can I/my body/my mind take begging,begging,begging to feel normal.....we find strength we didn't know we had to push through every min......you have this strength too, it may not seem like it but you do....you have done it to this point and you can the rest of the way through this hormonal mess. I know having agoraphobia seems to take any self confidence you had left, but I believe it is temporary...please don't drink if you are this depressed it will only make the depression that much stronger. If you have to come here daily/hourly for support through this tough stage (and it is only a stage and will pass) do so.....noone is going to mind. Just please know you DO have the strength to pull through and maybe when it is done you will use those wonderful qaulities you have to help others through this difficult time since you can now truly feel their pain. HUGS Mikki

if you would like to e-mail me sometime and talk ....agoraphobia can be tough to deal with....just PM me

Shar,
I am so sorry you are suffering like this. It sounds so awful. I am so glad you came here and posted how you are feeling. Sometimes, getting it off your chest helps a little bit. I always love reading the answers to my posts, that in itself helps so much, just knowing you are not alone. I dont' have a magic pill or anything to offer, just an ear, we are all here to help you through. So, don't give in or give up. You will be you again, stronger and wiser. It takes time to find the right thing to help you, but keep on trying. YOu are stronger than you think, just asking for help is huge, you are going to be ok.

Please, keep joining us for help and support.

Shar, I lived with the insanity for 6 months. Towards the end, I just decided to go with the flow and keep living life anyway. I can clearly remember having hubby drive me down the same road we always go leaving home and NOTHING looking familiar. I thought OK, if I'm gonna live in a dream - so be it, a dream it will be. If I was too scared to go to bed, so be it. I knew I would sleep eventually and I did, every 3 nights. The rest, I cross stitched, read and chatted here. Oddly enough, after my fight was gone, the dream slowly started to lift. It took another 6 months and then it was gone.

I also during this time found herbs to help balance my hormones. I started with AM/PM Perimenopause, you could also try Macca. Anything to help balance things out. They take lots of time however to begin to see a change.

We're all here for you!

Shar...hope you are feeling a little uplifted after these wonderful words of comfort....

I have shared your feelings, and still do a lot...I have posted just recently that I am SO anxious right now...that its hard to keep living a somewhat happy existence....my husband and daughter really don't have a clue what is in my head most of the time...my husband looks at me like I have 2 heads when I try explaining how I feel, he just doesn't understand!

I am trying to dig deep and am trying to get to the root of my anxiety and am using EFT (emotional freedom technique) - which is a tapping sequence on certain meridian points in the body - several times a day.....I am not willing to give up.....but sometimes I feel so weary and depressed at how I feel that I feel that I will NEVER be happy and anxiety free again......

What do you take or do to help yourself?

I am not very judicious with taking stuff daily, but I do know that a good dose of Omega 3/B complex/vitamin C and Vitamin D3 (of which I just tested quite low, even though I spend a fair amount of time outside in the sun!)...all help boost your mental wellbeing.

I try meditating....but again am not consistent. If only I had the will to keep up with things, then maybe I would feel better!!

Let us know how things are going for you.

Big Hugs to you.

Caz

Shar,
So glad to see you back, I posted a week or 2 ago with your name in the title wondering where you were. Did you ever get my reply to your PM?

I agree with Caz, b-complex and omega 3 can really help with mental issues and depression. There have been articles and books written on how these 2 things can cure or lessen depression and other mental health disorders.

And are you getting out and getting sunlight at least 20 minutes/day? That can do wonders for your feeling of well-being, I know it has made a huge difference for me.

Have you had your ferritin levels checked? It is a measure of iron storage and if low, can cause symptoms of iron deficiency even though there is no anemia. Low iron can cause fatigue, depression, hair loss, and also in some, anxiety. For me, when my ferritin was low, my heart would pound even with slight exertion and I would get short of breath easily, also noticed it would cause adrenaline rushes. (there are several things that can cause adrenaline rushes, it's the body's way of trying to increase the metabolism if it is low due to deficiencies of iron, thyroid, or some sex hormones)

Please do post again, we are worried about you.

Thank you so much for all of your incredible words of kindness, encouragement and understanding. I'm still here for now. I can't begin to tell you how close I have been to going home and these words from you all are keeping me hanging on. The last couple of months have been particularly hellish and I have spiraled into severe depression, anxiety and complete depersonalization/derealization.

Please somebody help me understand and talk me through this. I began the Yasmin birth control pill about a month and half ago and I felt so anxiety, panic, depressive ridden with sick suicidal thoughts I didn't know what was happening. I had a similar experience a few months ago and only lasted 3 days on a different pill. I thought I have to wait this out and let my body get used to it but day after day it got worse and I nearly attempted suicide. I got off the pill after 7 days of hell and felt a tad better each day and then started taking DIM and Brevail as they are supposed to help with turning bad estrogen into good estrogen and read alot of people feel great on them.

I thought this might help getting the pill out of my system more too. Well down again I went with jame vus, extreme panic turned later to severe depression within hours. Strangely I had a ton of energy I think too much actually making me feel manic and dissociating from reality, my fibro pain was gone, I exercised through this mental hell just because I had pure energy and lost 8 pounds in 3 weeks so the 'good' parts I thought I have to keep taking these supplements and my body adjust. Well just like the pill it got worse mentally to the point of actually planning things out to go home. I have not taken the supplements for a few days but am still feeling very sick. I read apparently both can lower your Estradoil significantly as it's labeled one of the 'bad' estrogens. I could also still have remnants of the pill in my system. My period is here and has been for several days but just of dark spotting hardly anything so I think I lowered my estrogen too much in all this. I really just don't know anymore. Does anyone have an idea what hit me so hard and anything about these supplements?

I just ordered some Omega 3s and do take the B complex and multivitamins. The mental torture has just been indescribable but I think I unknowingly just added to my demise with these 'miracle' supplements so many others have had wonders done with them on. PLEASE I beg of anyone that has taken them if had similar experiences or what might have caused me to go in this state of sickness like this explain???

Also can ANYTHING help balance this??? Phytoestrogens with a multiple mix of them? I take ativan but dear God do I need something for these ups and downs it's killing me I swear it is. I can only hope whatever happened gets out of my system soon and I feel back even to my old 'normal depressive' self which atleast wasn't feeling suicidal. I really can't take much more I truly want it all to stop and nothing is seeming to help. I refuse to go back on ADs or the hospital where they have no understanding and want to throw you on every med that made me crazier. I just need some kind of balance.

Please help. I am reading this in tears thinking how pathetic and worthless and sick I sound and it's just making me want to delete it all but your words helped me so much I have to click it through. And thank you so much to all who offered to talk on the phone and emails if I can just feel a little better in a frame of mind where I can think somewhat straight I would but the derealization is so scary right now I've been totally sheltering myself.

Shar,

Bless your poor aching heart. I've been there too. Something you may consider. You said AD's drove you to the brink of suicide. I was there too. I have a very sensitive system and drugs don't do well in my system. Plus this one I was on could take up to 16 months to clear you system. I did suffer nearly the whole 16 months before it cleared. Now I am good as new. That was the darkest time I had ever spent in my life. I didn't know the human brain could go to such a dark place. Even now I have to be careful of supplements I try because my system is just too sensitive. I too wanted to check out and would even go touch my gun from time to time. As crazy as it sounds just knowing there was a way out of my total misery gave me hope. You have to be in that place to understand that but it got me through. And I did get through and I'm sure you will too. Don't give up hope girlfriend!!!!!! Send me a pm if you like, I'll talk with you and give you a website that made me realize it was the AD and the support I got from it saved my life.

Dear 'shar'
I just wish you were next to me now to give you some gentle hugs and reassurance.
You are in a very dark place.I feel it and I also understand.Really I do.
We are all with you hoping and praying.
I think also,as one of the ladies mentioned,that seeing a Practitioner of Alternative Medicines might not be a bad idea.Balance.as you say seems to be the key issue here.Hormone fluctuations cause a lot of Mental anguish and some ladies have experienced Psychosis during Menopause but they all pulled through and so will you.

I understand your aversion to ADs but I believe if you are given a small dose to begin with and then it is very gradually upped to a level where you do notice an improvement it might help.I use Prozac 20mgs daily and it took about three months to start feeling a lot better.Also the Prescribing Psychiatrist gave me a small dose of Xanax to take as needed as it is quite likely that most people will have hightened anxiety at the beginning.There are some good and understanding Therapists out there.Perhaps you could call your 'Help Line' for information..

Do you have a good friend or family member nearby to whom you could talk and perhaps support you as you make your appointments.

The sheltering is your way of isolating from the storm.It is natural but we all really want to pull you out of the darkness.
Everyone of us cares!
HRT-albeit synthetic-is great for me.Again I started on a low dosage but Gyno upped the dose as he felt I needed a higher Estradoil intake.

Please,please keep us Posted
Praying hard for you tonight,sweet friend
May God take this torment from you.

Warmest Wishes
And the gentlest of Hugs
Elizabeth

1st let me say, I truly love how many of you ladies comment on how you have gone thru this and have made it thru to the otherside, that in itself offers up so much hope for those of us still in throughs of this, it really does. That positive feedback is crucial, and it gives us all hope for a new tomorrow....

Gosh there are some many things that one can write on how we get thru these dark times. I think eating the right foods, and heck for me, just plain ole eating is crucial. I tend to totally lose my appetite when I am like this, or go for the wrong kind of comfort foods (sugar, sweets, and stuff like that), which honestly just makes it worse. That is probably my biggest battle, trying to keep up a good healthy diet. I read more and more, whereas we should eat like 6 small meals a day, and for me that's hard, but I also KNOW that when I do w/the right foods I do seem to feel better.

Also reading good books have been helpful. Good, uplifting, soul inspiring books. Right now I am reading Joel Olsteen's Your Best Life Now, and I take some breaks through out the day and just read a few pages, and honestly it truly helps, and reminds me to lean on God in these times of trials. And especially w/this book, showing me that God wants so much more for me than this, and that God truly wants the best for me. I love his book cuz (no offense) but I was raised Catholic, and still am, but back in the day, it was like ahhh you don't do this, or you do that, God will be angry w/you... Ya know that is not how He loves us, He truly loves us unconditionally. He knows where we are at, and just as we love our chilren unconditionally and only want the best for them, so does He for me, for you, for all us, for clearly I am child of God.... Bottom line is hun, look for so inspiration... AND without doubt, at all possible, do NOT watch the news. Honestly, if you ain't down, that can surely bring you down....

Just don't give up, keep searching, we will find our answers. Though I hate going thru this, I continue to tell myself that I will only grow from this, and I will come out of this a better person than I was before. It is truly life changing, and we must take this time to make the changes that will makes us better, both spiritually, mentally and health wise.

Also know this, we are all praying for you. I know many of nights when I am in throws of my anxiety and panic, I can come on this site and cry out for help, I can truly feel the prayers of these ladies, I can honestly feel them calling out to me in my despair and lifting me up to the Lord. As corny as that may sound, it is the truth, and no matter what, prayer is the most powerful thing that someone can do for you. So know sweetie, that I am praying for you, cuz I so understand where you are at. I pray that you find some peace, and when you do, hold onto that little bit of peace, no matter how small, hold on to it, and allow it to grow, just like a flower slowly grows from the ground, plant that little seed of peace and alow it to grow....

Dear Sweet Shar,
PLEASE, PLEASE, HOLD ON. DON'T HARM YOURSELF. Sometimes it is a spiritual battle. We have to fight tooth and nail. The enemy wants you to give up. Fight, Fight, Fight. I went through the same thing last year. No one understood, no one cared. God alone healed me. He will NEVER, LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU. Tho all the world may not understand, but he does. He FEELS our infirmities. These ladies her at ps, are wonderful and caring. Prayer and this site, I believe literally saved my life. If I could come through it, I believe u can also. Press on, one minute at a time.

much love and concern,
menopaused

"Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem" ,, and it is temporary,, you werent like this before now .. and you wont be like this after now. I sat at my desk on tuesday morning sobbing of all things ,, and I DONT CRY. I felt useless and hated my life and the world.. you are definatly not alone. You said you have so much to offer and so much love to give .. think about the time when this all passes and how much you can share that with the world. Like the song says "What the world needs now is love sweet love" ,, I know that you have that in you and the world would be much worse off without you in it .. hang on and look at that light at the end of the tunnel where your sharing all that goodness in you with others.. this feeling now will pass .. have you tried going to a naturo path ? I know someone who has gotten amazing results from them ? please hang on .. we all are !!

AMEN SISTER!!! The "Spiritual Battle" is what God has really been putting on me... Where do you think all of the negative thoughts come from, not of God, for He loves us so much!!!

Yes Hold on, Hold on... You will come thru this with true victory. Then you can take your victory and help others... We Love you... Just as didgen said, this is temporary, you will get thru!!!!

Don't need to tell you what happened next. I started having an anxiety/panic attack. I hated to but I took a 1/4 of a xanex before it got too bad. I just don't understand how I have lost so much control of my nerves. My husband says i used to be so tough and now I am a whimp!!! I feel filled with fear and anxiety and just can't make it stop. Both my children are leaving out of state for college in August and I can only imagine how that is going to effect me.



Hang in there.

Angel1
[/quote]

Sorry to bust in, but what a rude thing for your husband to say!! Like someone posted before, let him feel what you feel for just one day and he would know the courage it takes just to get out of bed in the morning and try to function without running down the street screaming for the anxiety to go away. My kids are still fairly young (12 and 9) and I still cry at the thought that there not little anymore. I will hold you in my prayers as you deal with an empty next. When mine get older, I'm truly hoping to do foster care. I just don't know what I will do without children in my house.

I can totally relate to what you've said in both of your posts. I've been going through the exact same thing, even up to thinking that I have enough pills in the house that I could "go home" as you say. It's very frightening to think that way, that there is a place we'll go that's so much better than here and it feels like it would be so easy to give up. I've even been so angry at God, screaming at him in my head that I've been so faithful in using the gift of singing that he gave me, why would he allow me to go through all this? But I know that he is with me, even when I'm so angry, even when I've turned my back to him. I know that he's holding me, carrying me. He's the one that, in my deepest depression and most horrific anxiety, that broke through to tell me not to give up. I had enough clarity of thought to realize that if I left my family, my children, my parents, my husband, my brother, my church friends would never be the same, would never get over it. I am here for a reason. And even though I feel like a pitiful, hopeless mess right now, God is working something through this. (I can't wait to be through this and find out what it is!)

That being said, you are not pitiful or wimpy or useless, or any of those things that we keep telling ourselves in these dark times. You are amazingly strong to go through days when it's so bad that you feel like you can't go on, but you take it on and you wake up to face another day. You're still seeking an answer, you're still able to come here for support. DON'T STOP COMING HERE, PLEASE! DON'T GIVE UP ON FINDING THAT ANSWER!

I, too, am very sensitive to the birth control pills (I had to quit after one month and two days because the morning anxiety got so bad) and AD's. But I have been SLOWLY working my way up on zoloft and am starting to feel less of the DR/DP. I've had a couple ok days instead of all bad and I'm hoping this is the start of more good days to come.

Please don't isolate yourself. We're all here for you. You can PM me, I'll give you my phone number or email. I check my PM's here at least a couple times a day. I know it may seem awkward, but we would love to support you in any way while you go through this. We will make it!

As my wise, old grandmother once said, "You'll make it. You may not look like much, but you'll make it!"

Dear Shar,


What can I say that hasn,t been said here already,the messages filled with such love and warmth,makes me want to cry,and mainly to cry for how bad you must be feeling Shar. BUT it will get better as hard as that seems to you right now.

PLEASE take strength and hope from all these wonderful women on here.

With all my love to you Shar

Kath xxxxx

Shar, I feel so sad that you are having to go thru this!I went thru similar things back in December - March. It was the most difficult thing I have ever been thru in my life!!!It was like an ongoing nightmare that just replayed every single day. It started out with crying, and then crying and crying & never stopping. Then followed these scarey, anxious thoughts that only got worse. I would think of one thing & it would spiral into something huge. It was so bad, I had to start singing happy thoughts outloud...Just to make it thru the day?I was sleeping 3 hours a night, mind racing the rest of the time. I couldn't eat, what I did eat came right back up. I lost 11 lbs in a month or less?I couldn't go anywhere alone.

I reached out to my husband because I was thinking it was the end. I told him what I was thinking of doing. I told him it was just to much to bear any longer, I didn't no what else to do?And the feelings/thoughts I was having I just couldn't take it anymore?I felt everyone would be better off without me. I had an appt. with my therapist that same day, I went. I was in extreme bad shape!I told her everything, I was a mess..She told me I needed to check myself into the hospital. I called my husband, went home & managed to pack a bag. My father in law drove me to meet my husband, off to the hospital we went. We sat in the parking lot & I was just frozen with guilt, shame, grief, fear, and relief all at once. We sat in that parking lot for what seemed a life time. My husband didn't want me to go, he just thought it wasn't the right thing to do?We talked about it & he drove me home. I was scared to death, but I would have went because I knew I had so many things to live for. I seen thru being a burden & just knew this wasn't me, and how I act. I needed help, but.. He stayed with me for almost a week & took care of me. If it weren't for him, I don't no what would've happend?If you just have SOMEONE that could help you thru this, to come & stay with you for a bit???Reach out to them if you do!!

I ended up going to the ER that same day tho & getting Ativan thru IV & I suffered thru the weekend until I could see my Dr. I lived on anxiety meds for 3 months & then a mood stabilizer for a bit, until I could get things figured out. And now I sit here today, and think it could have been some kind of hormonal situation?I am on HRT and seem to be okay.

I don't no what to suggest here, I am not a Dr. for sure!!But, if you feel that your life is in danger, I would say maybe you need to check yourself in some where?I don't no if I am wrong in saying this?But, your life is worth saving & if you can't do it on your own, and need help then I would say get help!

Love & Hugs,
Amber

Wow, what we go thru... You appear to have a great husband, and what a blessing that can be.

How are you doing now, it seems that you have been doing better?

I think that it is awesome that you shared your story w/shar, and speaking of which has anyone heard from her. Please check in and let us all know how you are doing.... We love you and are send out hugs and prayers....

(((((((((((((((Shar))))))))))))))))))
My heart goes out to you. I hear your pain and desperation. And that is completely understandable given what you're experiencing and have been experiencing. I have had moments (and still do at times) when I think "I literally can't go on and dying would be easier." It is hard to feel so scared and alone and to not feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is a time, as my therapist will say "you need to trust outisde yourself". You don't have to believe it -just allow yourself to trust - you WILL get through this - you WILL come out on the other side, no matter how dark and impossible that seems right now. You are strong - even though you may not feel you are. You are. It comes through in your post. I recognize and honor that in you.

There are times in life (I believe) where we have to allow ourselves to let others carry us - this may be a time for you to do that. Sometimes the burdens are too great for us to hold on our own .... so keep posting - we will carry all we can for you.

You WILL get through this. Hang in there. Know you are in so many of our hearts and post as often and much as you want .... we're here for you. Kathleent

Hi Shar,

I am so sorry to read your post and hear of your tortured feelings. Many of us have been there. It is so difficult to overcome that terrible black dog. Can you try and just focus on the now? Say to yourself, "the moments as they present themself to me are sufficient"? Breathing in and out; doing that square breathing helps - alot. The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle is a very inspiring and provocative read. I highly recommend it. I hope you can take the time to read it if you are so inclined.

Try to hang in there with us...journal to us. There are many of us here that can relate to how you're feeling. We just have to perservere together.

Bless you,
Suzanne

Dear Shar,

I just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you.

Love,
Deb

Has anyone heard from Shar? Getting a little worried.

While watching one of those big giant satellite systems many many years ago I stumbled on an old man sitting behind a desk reading the bible with subtitles of what he was reading scrolling across the screen. He reads the bible chapter by chapter verse by verse, line by line, taking the bible back to it's original meaning in Greek and Hebrew. Today I now know why and how I'm here, and I have the strength to hang on. Please listen to this Pastor he knows his stuff. www.shepherdschapel.com


Suicide is selfish and it's murder. By taking your own life your killing a God given soul, and this would truly sorrow your heavenly Father. Be a soldier keep going DON'T give in to satan.

Shar,

God is aware of you. As you struggle through this phase, he is pulling you close to him, bringing you in touch with him and yourself. He is reaching out to you through your caring friends here at PS. He will bless you through others around you if you will only reach out enough to let them know what you're going through.

I am really struggling right now too, but I know that "going home" is not the answer. You're not going to lose this battle; You will endure and eventually win! I love Jill's idea -- fill your mind with scripture. You wouldn't even have to read the Bible; just listen. Also, I am finding that listening to good music fills my mind with beauty rather than fear and discouragement. Music, the "good word," mediation and prayer have literally saved my sanity, and they will help you too. Do something for yourself, Shar; fill your ears and senses with the best things possible. Give those terrible thoughts some competition! God IS there for you, and so are we.

You are in my prayers. Please let us know how you're doing.

Jeri

(((((((((((((((((( SHAR )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


We will hold you when you need help standing up.....
Everyone here has been there......
Try to at least have a little something to eat.
Lack of food can mess with the hormones and brain chemistry alone...


Hugs, SugarPlum,
XOXOXOXOXOX

Mary Beth

Shar,

I have been through terrible, dark, hopeless depressive feelings myself, and I understand how you feel.
When I have been that way I just pray for strength to get through that day. Somehow making it through that day is all you have to do. Just remember what you are feeling is because of chemicals in your body - hormones- and that things will get better. Just get through that minute, that hour, that day. Just one day at a time. Things will get better!
I know God lives. He has helped me many times through days I didn't think I could make it. He loves you.
Please hold on.
You have friends here on Power-Surge and we care about you!

DizzyD

P.S. I agree that eating when you don't even feel like it can help regulate your blood sugar and mood. Sometimes depression gets worse from low blood sugar. Please eat a little something. Our bodies can't make it without food and water - essential to life and cell function, just as essential as the air we breathe....

Shar,
Please do not give up. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Your post was so very much what I am dealing with right now. Lean on these wonderful P-S sisters. I do not know where I would be if I had not found P-S.

They do assure me that in time it DOES get better. I understand what you are going through because I cannot find any balance as well. Everything I have tried has made me much worse. I am right in the very middle of this peri/meno nightmare the same as you. It is absolutely beyond me how our hormones can cause such peril within us. I really do not think it is fair, do you? But, we HAVE to keep on going. We CANNOT give up no matter how difficult each and every day is.

By the way, I am the one who started the DR/DP thread. For me, along w/ the depression and anxiety, this has been the most frightening symptom. Maybe now when others read that thread, they will understand a little better what is going on w/ them and not feel so alone.

Please, please hang in there and lean on us as well as your family during this transition and take very good care of yourself. Our bodies are extremely sensitive to every thing right now!

Lots and lots of hugs from me to you,
mood_swinger

Hi Amber,
Reading your post just then surely did bring up memories. One fall day last year I had an appt. w/ my regular pcp. I did not care for him, but had to see him as he took the place of my doctor I had had for over 15 years whom I loved dearly. Anyway, I could tell he was getting frustrated w/ me. I told him I wanted to get to the CAUSE of all my symptoms. (At that time I had no idea this was hormonal). Everything hit me all at once and you can imagine how unprepared I was. He kept naming all these drugs he could give me to cover up symptoms and I just lost it, crying and crying.

I had gone there by myself that day and here I sat a basket case. All of a sudden he asks me for my husband's cell phone number. He calls him and tells him to come at once and get me and have me admitted over at the mental hospital. Well, my husband came, but we sat in the parking lot just like you for ages all afternoon until I calmed down.... he just did not think that was the answer just like your husband. Sounds like we have some pretty intuitive husbands. I am so glad he has helped you and been there like mine has.

Lets keep on trying and encouraging each other.
hugs,
mood_swinger

When I first started having these symptoms I thought it was just my anxiety disorder and I went straight to the psych ER. The doctor called my husband and asked if we had any guns in the house and if he was ok with me coming home. Of course, my husband said he was. I can't believe I've lost so much ground. I can't relax, but can't do anything. I'm not interested in anything. I've spend hundreds of dollars on psych meds and md visits and I don't feel any better off than I was. I'm so glad we have a community of women to come to to hold us up when our doctors let us down.

Angela

[quote name='shar14' date='Jul 7 2009, 11:27 PM' post='295378']


I have been to many, many funerals in my life time.

I was sad, but had a peace that eventually made itself known.





However, there is one funeral that I have never gotten over.





I never will.


A dear friend of mine committed suicide.
It has been 11+ years ago.

At the 4 year mark of her dying, I was at a friends when I saw her name on the calendar. It was as if my friend had a lunch date with her. I asked her why her name was on the calendar. She replied that it was the anniversary of her death. I asked, "How long has she been dead?" She replied, "Four Years." I was shocked to my core. You see, it felt like yesterday to me.

Since that time, I have forced myself to come to terms with her death somewhat, but I will never be the same, nor will her family. It still feels like yesterday to me.

I blame myself. Her mother and father says it is their fault....as does her other friends, children, and etc. I was suppose to go to lunch with her on Monday and the following Friday we also had plans. There must have been something that I missed doing????? Her girls were 9 and 10 at the time of her death. They are now 21 & 22. They were very well raised, but they are a mess now.

If she could have seen the future, she would not have killed herself.

Don't do it. Stop thinking about it. There are solutions to problems.



It took great courage to come on this board and pour your heart out to us. Storms don't last forever.


Please take another step and get some help.

You need face to face contact with someone.

Go across town where you won't be recognized.
Do whatever you have to do, but do something.


There are even on line places. http://suicidal.com/depressionlinks/chatroomlinks/

http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&am...ntion&type=



It is likely that most of this is hormonal. ( Bios really helped me. I feel very normal, now.)

Shebee

Hi everyone,

Not having a good day. Actually I've thrown myself alittle pity party. I'm not doing a very good job at accepting the fact that I'm getting older.
I'm starting to feel like an old lady. I keep telling myself to accept this(there really is no other choice)and to grow old as gracefully as I can but thats not working.

Ive been driving my teenage daughter and her friends to and from the neighborhood fest the last few days and of course they dont come to meet me and the car at the time there supposed to. So I've been sitting there everynight for 15 minutes people watching. I see these younger women looking attractive and having all this energy and I think that used to be me. Now I'm the old lady waiting in the car.

I just really miss the younger me. The one that could wear short skirts. The one that turned heads when she walked in room. The worst part about it is I didnt even appreciate her. My husband keeps telling me I'm doing the same thing now. He says I'm going to look when I'm in my upper 60's and think my upper 40's werent bad.

I'm atleast glad that now I have a place where I can go to say how bad I'm feeling and no that I'm not alone.

No I hope she is ok . .Shar are you there ??

BUMP, Has anyone heard from Shar???

haven't heard a thing and I couldn't find any contact info, either.

Angela

Shar!

You need to reply! At this very moment I am experiencing the very same symptoms you describe! YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!! I KNOW where you are at-I FEEL IT! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!

Please talk- Tea42 Please

Thank you so much for writing everyone. Your words of understanding and encouragement are more than I can express with gratitude. Several of you seem to understand the Dr/Dp. I haven't posted even though people express worry because I have been so extremely depressed I can't even begin to tell you or how to pull myself together in all of this. I'm only 38 and I feel like my life is over. I have been drinking to cover the Dr/Dp because it's even better than being sober and not knowing who I am, where I am at, if I am even living or dead...it's so indescribable.

I have to be honest in saying I really feel constantly this is it for me. I love the women on power surge, this board has been my savior yet I cannot go on day to day with this torture of feeling depression, anxiety, panic and most sickening the derealiziation that is so frightening to me. The jame vus are becoming so intense and scary to me I can't deal with it anymore I really can't. I am in tears right now and have been screaming to God why is this happening to me?

I wonder too if it is low estrogen but also the fluctuations in hormones I seem so sensitive to. I wish to God you all were near to me. I have no one in my life that understands and as much as it comforts me to read others on here that understand it cannot replace someone actually there to talk to and hug and relate to if that makes any sense.

I seriously don't know how much longer I can hold on. I have been through this on and off since my teenage years but the last couple of years for some reasons have wreaked havoc on my mind and I have tried everything possible for balance. I want to go home so bad and just end this pain thinking if I can stop my mind from these torturous thoughts it will all be alright. Something has to give and my mind is my enemy right now. I can't express how much I want it to end and feel at peace again.

I wake up in pain wanting to die, not knowing who I am, if I am even real or dead, where I am at...I can't focus or think straight in any form everything is so unreal. I have to stop my brain...this foreign object of torture from torturing me even more if that makes any sense. My brain has turned totally into my enemy against me. I pray constantly for death or relief and feel nothing from God in return. I don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. I have no support system nearby which would be more of a lifesaver for me but I feel so alone and isolated in this struggle on top of trying to fight the Dp/Dr feelings it's such a hell.

Thank you so much for your kind loving posts and emails, I just don't know what to do anymore. I find myself sleeping with my gun and hoping I wouldn't remember what happened other than the pain ending. God help if anyone can relate and how can we end this pain? I don't want to die I want to live and contribute and be the real me that used to be so vibrant, full of spirit, loving, happy. What happened?

I'm in total disbelief, shock and tears...I wish I could hold anyone right now just to know someone understood and cared. I am writing this to several others who have written and shown concern and honestly I don't have the strength to try rewording anything so am copying.

I do want to address the issue of suicide being selfish though. I thank you for your post and ideas but believe me the last thing I want in thinking of going home is being selfish. For someone to experience such incredible mental torture lasting on and off over years to finally bring themselves to the brink of wanting to go home and achieve peace in their heart and soul from all of the suffering the last thing I believe in that is selfishness and it hurt me tremendously to hear that even though I know we have our own opinions.

I have had two close friends of mine commit suicide....one who lost both her sister, best friend and husband within and year and the other struggling with bipolar and inconsistent medicine changes along with losing his best friend in a sister which I believe brought him to the brink. The last thing either of them wanted was to hurt others and their intense mental pain brought on by suicide was never meant to be selfish or hurtful to others. They were at a state of so much intense pain they could bear no more and needed some peace in their lives after struggling and fighting as best as they could to overcome their burdens. I'm not in any way condoning this but I do believe sometimes some people come to a point they don't know where to turn or what to do anymore to end this mental torture.

The LAST thing I TRULY want deep in my heart is to do is harm myself. I want to give, be full of life, reach out to others, offer what God has given me as gifts to this world and yet I have felt completely robbed of that ability in any form given all of the Dr/Dp, depression, anxiety, and panic that has overcome my life. I have tried every means I can think of from hormonal replacement to ADs, therapy....believe me I HAVE TRIED and given all that I can and STILL am fighting through this unbelievable madness. But it can't be said to spare that yes I would give anything for peace at this time, yes I beg God to relieve me of this misery and obviously a place in his Home would be much more comfort than this foreign indescribable daily torture of my mind fighting against me.

I am not being selfish in stating my feelings or wishes. I simply want this pain to end like any human being would that can relate and I would never want to hurt those that love me but our hearts, minds, souls can only bear so much. I often hear in my pain that God never gives us more than we can handle but I'm not so sure about that anymore with the pain I've been experiencing for this amount of time. I can't go years on end 'living' like this...as I said before this isn't living at all!

Thank you all again for thinking of me and understanding. I don't know where to turn anymore and seriously just want to go home....I'm fighting and struggling for peace and happiness and will try my best to post on my better minutes...not days, not hours...they are minutes now for me but your kindness and reaching out is invaluable and means more than you could possibly understand to me.

Shar