Hi,
I need some advice. I have a friend - we've know each other since our daughters were "tweens" (they are in their late-30's now) but in recent years, we haven't been seeing much of one another. We send birthday cards, and occasional emails, and there's goodwill, but we just don't get together more than once a year or so.

Anyway, about a month ago, my friend referred in an email to "when you are at my daughter's wedding." I knew the wedding was coming up in early September (her daughter is one of my Facebook friends and of course speaks of it often), and I mentioned in my return email that I'd not gotten an invitation. I wasn't upset - my own daughter had a very small wedding, only family and a few friends, about 30 people. So I didn't expect to be invited, if you know what I mean. No offense.

She wrote back saying she was so sorry, she'd mis-spoken. The wedding count was being held to 250 people. Now, I have to admit, my ego took a slight hit at knowing I'm not in the "top 250" of potential guests, LOL! But that was okay.

Then, this past week, I got an invitation to her daughter's shower. I'm confused... is it common to invite people to a bridal shower, who are not going to the wedding? I feel like this is a "bring a gift" event, and have a slight sense of that not being quite right.

My friend had a small gathering last year to celebrate her daughter's engagement, and I brought her daughter a nice card with a $50 pre-paid VISA in it, so she could buy whatever she liked (she and her boyfriend have been living together for a couple years, and don't need all the usual house stuff).

At any rate, should I go to the shower? I do like this young girl, but again, think it's odd to be invited to the shower, but not the big event.

Can you advise me?

(((HUGS))) and thanks,
JJ

That is kinda tacky. I wouldnt invite someone to a shower if they also were not invited to the wedding as well,, it is just kind of a "give me a present" but you can't come to the wedding. But not knowing all the circumstances involved you will have to follow your heart on this one.. My husband and I got married on Marthas Vineyard.. we had a recption/party after we got back from the east coast ,, I invited friends and family .. one of the people I invited from work got insulted when he showed up and found out there wasnt a wedding (clearly he didnt read the invitation) .. he just left his gift and kinda stormed off.. I was a little upset at this .. but no one attended the wedding since it was on the east coast ! ..

Hello dear,
It does sound a bit odd to be invited to the shower and not the wedding. Maybe it was an oversite. Don't let it bother u too much. Young people can be strange sometimes. It probably would be a good idea for u to go to the shower. Just so it doesn't eat away at u, and to show that u r the better woman, lol.

I would go. If you like this girl and care about her happiness then go! You do not know the reason you were not invited and I'm sure it was not intentionally done to hurt you. Maybe she started with a list of 500 and had to trim it down. 250 is a lot of people but actually CAN be all family depending on how far they are coming from. Now is not the time to be hurt but to rejoice she has found true love!!! Go and have fun!

It sounds like the mother and/or daughter felt guilty about not inviting you to the wedding so this is a "make-up" invite. I guess it is up to you if you feel up to it. For me it would be one of those "ah am not in the mood today, guess I will pass" type of thing. But that is just me. If I was not "visible" enough to be invited to the wedding, why invite me to the shower. No thanks. "No hard feelings though, I still like you guys."

I don't think I would go. You have already given her a very generous gift at the engagement party. It isn't polite to invite someone to a shower if they are not part of the wedding guest list. It shouldn't have to create ill will between you and your friend. A simple sorry I won't be able to make it that day, I have something else going on (without any further explanation needed) should do the trick.

However..................... this is just my HMO. If you really WANT to attend you should do so. It's, of course, entirely up to you.

By the way, it's great seeing you here this morning. I was beginning to wonder where you've been dear friend.

Hugs,
Donna

My daugheter is getting married in two weeks, and it never entered any of our minds to invite people to the shower that weren't invited to the wedding. Frankly.... it's ignorant, and rude.

I wouldn't go, but that's me.

I agree with Leanne and Donna, I think your 50$ should suffice, and I have to wonder if you would have even been invited to shower at all if they had not already invited you to the wedding and then reneged the invitation. I think would just say something came up and you are not able to go. And I wouldn't buy a shower gift and give it later since you did give the $50. That is like giving 2 shower gifts, which I've not heard of.

You could look at it this way ,,

1. the daughter sent out the wedding invitations but
2. the mother sent out the shower invites

so .. the mother didnt know the daughter didnt invite you but by that time it was to late and the shower invite was already sent. You cant Un-invite someone you've already sent and invitation to .. so maybe the mom feels bad about the fact you werent invited to the wedding but to the shower .. how about this .. if she is such a dear friend .. call her up and tell her you feel conflicted ,, that it just isnt sitting right that you were invited to the shower but not the wedding ,, Im sure she will apologize and say that If she knew you hadnt been invited to the wedding she never would have sent the shower invite .. work it out with her and tell her your feelings instead of playing a game ,, if she is a good friend it will all be alright .

I think it is unusual for someone to get invited to a shower but not the wedding. I think they probably felt bad that you didn't make the "Top 250" (LOL!) for the wedding. So I think because they like you and value your friendship, they invited you to the shower thinking that would be a way that you could be a part of the bride's big event. I would say do what you feel like doing. If you think it would be fun to go, then go. If you don't want to go, then don't. I can see how it would be easy to be offended, but on the other hand I am beginning to learn that life is too short to waste energy on being upset about things that probably aren't all that important. Yes, the invite thing is weird, but don't let it get to you and just do what you want in regards to the shower. Let us know what you decide!

I have to agree with dcamp, Leanne, Sariah and anyone else who says, "I would not go."

I wonder how many of those 250 do NOT show up??

If it were me, I would have apologized profusely and said, "Jacquie, PLEASE, PLEASE come to my wedding!"

I am so sorry this has happened to especially YOU!

I wouldn't labor over it too much. Well, maybe I would, but don't you.

xoxoxo

JJ, I would not go either! Just my opinion but I think thats a bit rude. You gave a nice gift already.

and (((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Fin

I totally agree.....

....but i think i'd crash the wedding reception,pig out on the food and get really drunk....

Moonlight your a scream !!

Would send my regrets and let it go...

Still wheeling over the fact they have 250 guest at their wedding!
And they couldn't squeeze in skinny little JJ?

Had this happened> I choose not to attend the shower and just mail the bride and groom a gift card! The gift card seem impersonal but also was the while situation!

I would send my regrets as well and let it go too. What they are doing is not usual and customary. If it really bothers you than you can mail a gift card. What you did last year was plenty by the way.

OK Jacq. . lets hear from you ? any thoughts ? we have all put our 2 cents worth in ?

Same as the others, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't give another gift. I wouldn't say anything but "sorry I can't make it" or something polite.

I would say if you really like the girl and her mother and want to go to the shower, then go. But don't overdo it on another gift. If you must take something make something or find something to take that is inexpensive but personable. If you don't want to go then don't feel obligated to do so.

I agree with your sun and sky quote, actually. Maybe the groom has a gazillion family members. Maybe the shower will be a chance to demonstrate your affection for this young girl. Wedding planning makes people NUTS. Don't get dragged into any of it. Get a modest gift, smile, hug, enjoy everyone's company, show your support and leave it at that. Good will and kindness go a heck of a lot further than anything else. These showers can be the gimme gimme spend-a-thons, sure, but they're also one of the rites that start someone else's married life - please go and give of your presence. This is one of those storms that will come and go.
GK

Wow, with such GREAT advice, on both sides, how does one make a decision?

I think what I will do is say that I am busy that day, but appreciate so much being asked. Those who've pointed out that this may be a "make-up invite," are probably right - it would upset my friend to think she had upset ME, even though I told her it was okay if I didn't go to the wedding.

It would be the simplest, sincerest approach, I think, to kindly bow out. I'm afraid if I go, and everyone is chit-chatting about the wedding itself (those among the 250-count-guest-list, LOL), I'll feel a bit strange. Like being part of something and NOT being part of something.

Thank you so much for your wonderful words! Every single angle made sense, for good reasons. Maybe we should begin a "Dear Abby" thread, and we will all take the part of Abby! Oh wait... I think that's what we do!

(((BIG HUGS!))) and love to the Sisters,

JJ

Hi JJ,

Well, here's a situation that's kind of similar to yours. My son was invited to a bachelor party and NOT the wedding!!! I told my son that it was probably the groom's way of saying "even though I can't invite you to the wedding, I still want you to share in my happiness because you're a special friend to me."
I tried to put a good spin on it - but I had never heard of anything like that before. I guess it's just a sign of the times.

By the way, my son was hurt ("ticked off" is a better term) and didn't go to the bachelor party.

Helen

I agree with everyone else here. I think it was in bad taste to not invite you to the wedding if they expect you to bring another gift (besides the $50) to a shower. I would tastefully decline without another thought.

And here I was gonna add my 2 cents...but you have already made your decision...and let me just say....I agree.......well thats my 2 cents...better late than never

I agree too, JJ.

((((((((JJ)))))))
I had to LAUGH OUT LOUD at Snowmoons response - - Still wheeling over the fact they have 250 guests at their wedding!
And they couldn't squeeze in skinny little JJ? Too True!! I have met you and you seriously do NOT take up that much room and you eat like a bird. But that really is not the point.

My son is getting married in October - time for a new thread there - and I am quickly learning that weddings can be a Messy Marital Mine Field!! Protocol queries, expense, family squabbles come to the forefront and that was just yesterday at lunch.

Leaning over to Leanne and asking "There's more wine right?!?!?

I digress ---- 'Vat' else is new? I personally think that is in bad form to invite a person to a shower who has not been invited to the main event - Round One - as it were.

BUT-- I know you and you are one of THE sa-weetest people I know and I can not even begin to imagine the 'whys' of your non invite to a wedding of 250 people (gulp) and I thought my sons wedding of 150 was overkill. Round two to be followed at the reception

You need to do what is right for you but if it were moi....I would make my excuses and not attend.

I am extending a personal invitation to you and your hubby to my sons' weddng in October. No gift required just your presence as that is gift enough.

Details to Follow....... Blood bath ---err I mean - Reception to follow

((((HUGS))))
My sweet and skinny JJ
Dottie

I agree with the majority I believe and would bow out graciously and not go...seems there may have been a communication breakdown between bride and mom and you're the unfortunate fallout....

Now on to weddings: I have married off two daughters and survived with minimal collateral damage..as for the 2 remaining sons, they are going to be coached heavily in the art of eloping

Weddings "nowadays" have become Hollywood wanna-dos IMHO and sometimes go so far over the top the entire family is left exchausted emotionally and financially....

I married on a whirlwind of plans sans anything fancy so my perspective is a bit skewered but simple is much more appealing to me than a $25,000 afternoon....

I'm digressing

Such is life...

Momz

Moonlight, you are too funny! sounds like good advice!!!

I know, I thought that was good advice, too!

Dottie, not only is it oh-so-fab to see you here, but it would be a thrill to see that wedding! Being mother-of-the-bride is - ahem, interesting!

Thanks again, Dear Sisters, for all this great advice! You've really helped me come to a good decision.

Love you guys!

JJ

Hi Momz,

I agree 99% on this one :-) After all, my husband and I eloped in 2001.
What you talk about (your wedding) sounds like it was the small, minimum frills wedding we dreamed of back then.


This was very hard to open up about on line, but I think it's important.


If both sides of the families backs an elopement, or are part of it, all the better.
People weren't honest about ours because they were either hurt,
or they thought they were doing the right thing to back away. But that's not how it worked....

Here's the exception and really, it's quite important.

I insisted that we call both sets of parents *before* the ceremony,
as ours was a true elopement - my Mom and family had been told we might, but for a number of reasons
(like gigantic families, and everyone would have wanted to be there) and a few other things, we had not done anything
but drop a hint or two with my husband's side.
We talked to them all by phone an hour before we got married.

They have all felt hurt and left out ever since, and the fallout has not been good.
I talked to my Mom in Law about this extensively over the years, and there is a lot of Love
But it did hurt family on both sides, that they were not there to support at the beginning, (it was a Christian wedding.)
and as a result there was some difficultly all along.

Think of it this way - they felt betrayed, much as if we had gone on without them, with them feeling it was saying that we don't
need them - which we do. We all want family to get along, and be friends ,and love each other.
That's hard sometimes - especially when the families that you are joining are massive in numbers.
We all need support from family, and Lord knows, in some families that is in short supply in this crazy world these days!

After we married, we allowed family who asked - and they arranged for an informal reception for immediate family.
One day I will talk about that more - it was ok, no drunken brawls
But those hurt feelings led to some real odd things. For example, no one ever gave my husband and
I any of the pictures taken. It was supposed to be friendly, informal, an outdoor grill, no gifts - or donations if you wished.
(No Gifts was a hard decision we all agreed on - for us It was *only as we had just closed on a home, were changing jobs,
were moving, we were not making the arrangements, and had no one's address - and also there were people there I didn't know.)
That was taken badly - but we had no list of names for Thank you Cards - had just closed on a house, and never found out where some
of the people who left gifts lived, and I didn't even know who they were) If it was according to plan, I could have thanked everyone for leaving a gift.
The hosts/planners were family. I naively allowed that per a more than insistent request, and I arrived the most under-dressed bride ever, to a huge crowd, with presents. This was not the plan nor agreement. Fortunately we had a nice time. But some felt hurt by this, too as they thought we'd be in the backyard having the kids run about, and have a nice day of families meeting. EVERYone was there. It was a beautiful day,
the setting was lovely and homey. It's the afterwards that was impacted.

I also felt a touch of sad, as I had wanted a "real" wedding, with at least our parents there, and it is the Bride's Day in many a Bride's mind....
Even if you are a realist, you want that day with your Sweety to be special.

If anyone in your family talks about eloping, it could be they are uncomfortable with family dynamics,
or just shy, or who knows, panicy. Or like Momz says, the cost and stress.
But if anyone hears on the wire someone is considering eloping,
I would ask you to consider 3 things -

1) perhaps tell them what it would mean to you to be there for them
without guilting them into feeling that they were doing something wrong to marry in the way they choose.
Please let the young couple decide. That decision is one of their first together and is very bonding.

2) Consider encouraging a reception that is what the Bride wants - or Bride and Groom, so that no one takes out their hurt on
the new couple.

3) The family who is not the one knowing, or suggesting an elopement will be very hurt. No two ways about it.
If it's about $, They still may want a real ceremony, and informal reception - just something they can call their own.
Flowers and handmade stuff - I've seen gorgeous glass candle holders on tables, only to hear they were purchased
at a Garage Sale by someone who had the design in mind, but had almost no $

I have a huge chapter in my life changing as a result of this story, and when I know for sure,
I may write again. It's a Good thing happening with me and my Husband. But it is a result of beginnings that led down the windy road here.

And on a lighter note - maybe we would have done well with Moonlight's idea, if everyone just crashed the Wedding.

Peace and Love,
Mary Beth

Humm.... I wonder if Momz meant elope ELOPE, or just elope as in grab the family and go get married somewhere??

My daughter's princess bride wedding is a week from Sat. Lot's of drama. 250 people. I'm sick and exhausted. The money that has been spent is obscene. I never in a million years thought it would be so time consuming. She is our only daughter, and she's going out in a bang. However, I have told my twin boys (25 and both in serious relationships) that I hope we all just go stand on a beach, or SOMEWHERE when it comes to their time, because frankly, I'm OVER it

(sorry for hijacking your thread, JJ!

LOL Leanne - the beach idea is the BEST. :-)