Hi all,

Sorry to keep posting so much, but I cannot stop crying. I am afraid I have ruined my eyes from all this crying.

I have been reading online in some articles it says that there is no scientific research to back up women in peri or meno having any more depression than women at any other age. So, then all this depression I have has nothing to do w/ my hormones fluctuating so wildly? I think reading these things are not good because then I just think I am going crazy. I read a post by a young girl on another board yesterday who said her mom committed suicide at meno at age 50. She was going to just "ride it out" w/ no hormones or meds like I am having to do.

I just do not know what to do! Years ago I was able to take Zoloft with no problems and did for about 2 years, but now I've not been able to use any AD probably due to my thyroid issue or fluctuating hormones. So, I keep wondering, did I "re-program" or damage my brain taking the Zoloft and now will be depressed the rest of my life? Can these ADs cause permanent damage????

I know none of this makes sense, but I am SO scared and feel I cannot go on. I have considered taking 5HTP, but don't know if I will have bad side effects or not. Should I seek out a therapist just to have someone to talk to?

I just wish I knew what was going on with me. I cannot function hardly for crying. I have never been this depressed in my life. I do not want to go to the mental hospital and am trying so hard not to get that bad! This has been going on since Aug. of last year. If I thought it would get better, I would just hold on hope until then.

Thank you for listening and caring.
mood_swinger

first and fore most quit reading any symtoms online- trust me they will drive you to the nut house fast.....been there for three days, not fun..... come here to ps and read, or post..... you will not be depressed for the rest of your life, this too shall pass......

Oh Moodswinger,

Yes please stop googling,sent me into depression reading up on symptoms.worst thing you can do,it honestly is.

Moodswinger back in september I didn,t think I would ever feel normal again,couldn,t be bothered with anything,spent ENTIRE days sobbing proper gulping heaving gut wrenching sobs. I have never felt so horrendous.

Like you I couldn,t see any light at the end of the tunnel, thought I was doomed to live the rest of my life in limbo.

However it did gradually lift I always believe in "when things get so bad and it feels like you can hold on no longer,then that will be when the tide turns" and for me moodswinger it was right.

Also ask yourself this how come there are soooo many ladies on here all suffering in varying degrees with anxiety,depression etc

It has to be hormonal, and there is always going to be someone we hear of who is the exception to the rule and has dire consequences,we tend to forget of all the positive things we hear when we are so down, I,ve been there and still do get like it.

I,m just trying to say hang on in there moodswinger WE are all here for you.

Please pm me if you want to I mean that

Take care with love Kath

YES YES YES!! Quit googling! You'll end up with MORE ailments than you started out with!

Your depression can ABSOLUTELY be caused from peri and hormone changes. There are a few THOUSAND women here who can testify to that!! It can also be caused by other physical or emotional events that have happened or are happening. It can be from a combination of all of the above!

Go to your doctor. Start with your medical doctor, not a mental health clinic. Have all your blood work done. Unfortunately there are no fast answers, it's more of a process of elimination.

I don't know you or what is happening in your life, but I would bet money it's hormonal. Get in to your doctor and don't leave there until you get on the road to some sort of diagnosis.

It's all about quality of life. You may need hormone replacement, you may need AD's, but if you can muster the strength, I'd get my backside to the doctor immediately. Life is too short to spend your days crying. There IS help out there!!!

Please, please, please hang in there! I just read the information you posted in your profile and we have so much in common. I too can't take ADs -- tried one briefly and it brought me frighteningly close to committing suicide -- and I started crying almost non-stop since October. Prior to October I was a relatively normal and active person, very involved with my work, my son's activities, social activism and more.

On top of peri, I have lyme disease and over the last few months I fell apart physically and mentally and lost my job. It's only been the last few weeks that I've been doing some of the little things I used to love: take my dog for long walks, meet with friends at the local cafe, read a book (I was having so many problems with my memory, my eys and pain in my neck and back, I couldn't even read for about 5 or 6 months!)

I've been taking meds for a couple of months for the lyme, all kinds of vitamins and supplements and try to eat healthy food. I couldn't understand what had thrust me into a dark, depersonalized, hellish existence so suddenly. The antibiotics seemed to help the feeling of derealization (where everything around me seemed nightmarish and surreal), but did little if anything for the feeling of depersonalization (not only loss of "self" for me, but literally feeling like I wasn't even real!) that not only terrified me but made me so depressed I spent many nights praying I just wouldn't wake up in the morning.

And then I talked my doctor into prescribing bioidentical hormones for me. He was skeptical and said the testing showed I didn't need them. But he told me to prove him wrong and I started taking compounded estriol (that was the only E I was low in) a couple of weeks ago. Now, I can't say that I've been miraculously cured -- see my posts during that time -- but I do have to say that my mood has overall improved very dramatically and I have moments where I feel almost normal. The doctor suggested I double the dose for now and see how I do and it seems I've been doing even better the last few days.

Anyway, I'm telling you all this because I wonder if BHRT might help you too with your mood? Have you tried it at all? The other ting that I've been taking that seems to help quite a bit is GABA. They say it's for anxiety, but I find that as it does seem to calm me down, it seems to also lift my fear and also my mood.

So maybe these things can work for you too? Please know that I'm thinking about you and rooting for you and sending lots of love your way. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Hugs,

Cindy

Dear Sweet Moodswinger,
Last year in June, I was going exactly through the same thing that u r. I thought I was losing my mind. I had panic attacks. I cried for 3 days straight non stop. That has never happened to me before. I hardly ever cry. The crying made me furious. I felt like a weak little being. That is when I found powersuge on the internet. I had never heard of perimenopause before and I was 46 years old. I never wanted to listen when women would talk about menopause and pms. I thought they were just making it up for attention. This site encouraged me so much. I didn't have anyone that I could talk to about this emotional roller coaster until I came here. I said all of that just to say, We r here for u. Be encouraged. Try and laugh, it does help alot. I don't take any meds either, but I am back to my usual silly self again. I am here for u.

love,
menopaused

Menopaused,
So you are telling me that you were able to get back to your old self again? You have encouraged me that you said you don't take meds either and got back to yourself. I am like you were, I have no one who understands what this is like other than the ladies here on Power Surge. I feel as though I am not the only one going through this. But every now and then I cannot help but wonder if it is just me going crazy! I am sure all can relate.

Thanks everyone. It is good that we all don't have bad days at the same time... we can help each other.
mood_swinger

Mood......hi sweets......anti-depressants I was put on last year made me suicidal as well. I lasted 2 weeks on them. The meds I took I have been on years ago with no ill side effects so I have NO idea why all of a sudden they made me so sick. We have discussed some of this but a therapist is the BEST idea right now........even though I do believe that it is hormone related, I doubt I would have survived the last year as well if I did not have my psychologist to help reflect my intense fears. It has been invaluable........I know a lot of women who have thyroid problems and have a therapist........some of the symptoms are very similar.

Can you talk to your doctor about some intervention?

Take care of you, babe.......there is only one!!

Big hugs

Thank you all so much for your replies. Yes, Michah, I think getting in to see a therapist is a good idea. I really think having someone to talk to is invaluable during this time of transition. Some women just have a harder time and I guess that I am one of them. I am so fortunate to have found Power Surge.

You all are right, we should not be googling this stuff because of all the differing opinions and views. It is just too overwhelming and confusing.

love and hugs to all,
mood_swinger

Yes a good therapist does help. I found a lady that is great and understands about hormone havoc. When I am talking to her I can actually see in her eyes and hear in her voice that she understands what I am dealing with and yes hormones are part of it. It just feels good to be able to talk to someone about all this without feeling like they think I'm crazy. I had a nice woman psychiatrist (for my AD and anxiety meds) who understood too but she retired recently. So now I have to see one who is an older man from Iran. When I mention menopause or hormones he just uhmms and thats it. As long as he prescribes the anxiety med I can live with it.

Hope you can find a good therapist too..it may take seeing a few though before you find the right one.
Robin

Boy, I read your profile...and that could have been me before bios. I HATE reading these post because I know that by replacing dwindling hormones we women would not have to go through the meno he!!. It also upsets me because our doctors are not educated enough (or have never experienced a meno symptom) to understand what is happening. If you find the ROOT cause, they symptoms will go away. Doctors love treating symptoms!



I stopped doing all of the things that I enjoyed. I felt depressed and almost crazy...but I was neither of those things. It was strictly hormonal. Because my hormones were fluctuating wildly, I went on Continuous BHRT. I need a constant, steady supply of hormones at this point. I have been on bios for almost 6 months now. I have not had one bad day since starting bios. I have always ate well and took supplements, & etc, but that was not enough. Peri-meno has been the worst time in my life! Now I feel normal...surprisingly normal. I did not need to talk with anyone.... I did not need an AD...I just needed the right amount of hormones. Also, stressful situations are no big deal now. I was so brain foggy and forgetful, I had stopped reading. (and I love to read! I have exhausted libraries!) ...and my short term memory was shot. I was reduced to writing post it notes and notes on my hands. However, I would forget to read them. LOL!




My body is strong; my outlook is bright and cheerful. My brain functions properly. (or at least reasonably so! LOL!)

To start taking bios was a hard decision for me because I hate even taking a Tylenol. However, I wish I would have did it years ago! I suffered needlessly and much of my life was lost. My dark room became my best friend. Along with almost all of the meno symptoms, I had migraines. I have not had one since starting bios. I might add that my thyroid is working properly for the first time in years. It is amazing!

Loss of hormones cause all sorts of problems. Hats off to anyone who can sail through meno. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. The meno-he!! is still fresh in my memory and just thinking about it causes a lot of pain.

The health food supplements have helped many, but they were not strong enough for me. I needed the real things.


Shebee

Oh, and by the way....my test for Estrogen was in range, and I am still ovulating, but because of Peri, my doc knew that my hormones were swinging wildly back and forth. If I cycled, I would have had many of the meno symptoms. The steady stream of hormones coursing through my body is what I needed. My doc looks at the hormone test, using them as a guide line, and then treats for the symptoms. He is awesome and the TX has been a miracle in a bottle! I was "cured" from day one; it was that quick for me. (I started on injections of E & Test....then added caps...and cream.)

Shebee--Your post could have been mine too...except for the good part where you got on bios and now feel WONDERFUL!!!!

My test for Estrogen was also "in range"....but somehow I mysteriously have become a broken, de-realized, suicidally depressed, psychotic in the week(s) before my period. I too, and still ovulating, and still cycling, but I must be fine, right??? At least that's what the doctor's keep telling me....I wish this nightmare on them all.

I swear I am considering flying out to Kansas and going to your doctor. My fiance's sister lives out there and I think we are going to be visiting soon. IM SERIOUS! Your doctor sounds so amazing, and I cant live like this anymore. I just got my period today and its all back, the anxiety, the feeling insane, my thoughts are all mixed up, I feel unreal, crazy, I'm a mess, this is not living. I need to be where you are. And knowing that you can get there makes me know that I can too. I know bios dont work for everyone and some women here unfortunately did not experience your success on them, but i have to try. At this point, its worth anything...I mean anything to have me back. I cant spend another month....heck....day, week, hour, minute of my life behind the bathroom door curled up sobbing and going crazy. How can anyone live like this.

Moodswinger---I am so sorry you are still suffering so terribly! I am too, I am right there with you, going through everything you described. I dont think it's the Zoloft that has hurt you, or that you are just "depressed" it has to be the fluctuation of what is happening in our bodies. I believe that these hormones has incredibly powerful effects on those sensitive to them, like all of us, who are caught in this place of betrayal by our own bodies. Its not fair and no one should have to suffer like this. Are you not able to try bios? I am not sure if I remember what you said about that? All I know is that even if it means risking my health at this point, I would rather die happy and feeling like me than to live to be 100 feeling like this. Please PM me and let me know how you are, or if there is anything I can do. My thoughts and prayers are with you....Love, Dee


PS --Shebee...I think Im making an appointment to come out there next month. Maybe we could get together for coffee

I've got yet another question about all of this...Some of you know, from my crazy "roller coaster posts" that I've been living in hell for months now. Things are a bit better since I've been taking bioidentical estriol, but I still don't feel anywhere near normal and I have moments where I just don't know how much more of this I can stand.

The weird thing is that I don't feel like this is depression per se, although I've been really depressed at getting so sick, losing my normal life and being unable to function normally. This feels like something physical going on in my brain and I'm wondering if any of you have experienced this. I also want to know if this will ever really go away...

I have a feeling of heaviness in my head that is very hard to describe. It's kind of like having a weight on top of my head. I also feel like kind of a wobbling sensation in my head. That's not exactly it, but it's almost like my brain is like jello and moving around. At the same time, I don't feel like my head is even real. It's almost like my thoughts are trapped in me somehow, but they're not even in my head. All of this makes me feel like I'm somehow not quite real, not quite attached and I just keep waiting to "pop" back into myself and feel normal again.

I feel so stupid posting this, but I am starting to feel really desperate. I've been to about a zillion doctors and had all sorts of tests and they keep telling me there's nothing seriously wrong with me. But how could that be???? I know what I'm saying is crazy and I want it to go away already. Have any of you experienced anything like this? Do you think I ever can get back to my normal self?

BTW, I haven't had a period now in almost three months, except for a day of VERYslight spotting about 3 weeks ago and another drop a few days ago.

Help?

Cindy,

You don't sound crazy I understand you completely. I felt that way when my periods started to get erratic along with major panic attacks, anxiety, despair and all the rest of the list of symptoms. I was housebound for a good year during this. It took another year for me to be able to go out comfortably. I really don't remember a whole lot of went on in those years I was so out of it...not in my own head or in life itself. I lived in the Twilight Zone where nothing made sense. It has been 5 years since that all started and I can say I've come out of the Twilight Zone. I'm not sure but I think I noticed this about a year after I had my last period. I don't know if that had anything to do with it or if it just happened just 'because'. I still fight the anxiety and shaking at times and still get glimpses of those bad years but for the most part it has let up. I have even have had glimpses of 'normal' sometimes (oh did it feel so good..all that heaviness was gone...it felt like I could fly). Unfortunately they were short lived but gave me hope that they will be back. All I took/take was an AD, which I think the hormones override a lot of the time, and an anxiety med, which I still take when I need it.

Wish I could help you with a magic spell or something but I really have no idea how I got through those years (or even what went on).

Hope you get some 'good' days soon. Keep posting and leaning on all these great ladies on this site.
Robin

Hey Robin, I know I've said that I can't take ADs, but I'm curious which one you take. I tried Celexa briefly and became suicidal, but I am starting to feel like maybe I should give something else a try? I've said it before, but I guess I'll say it again. Most of this feels very "physical" in that I have such strange sensations in my head all the time and it feels like that is what is making me feel so depressed and anxious (scared really). But then I start to feel like there's got to be SOMETHING I can take to take the edge off of this...I feel like this is all I can think about.

I went to a friend's wedding today and then out to dinner. Boy was it hard to sit through and try to seem normal. It was especially painful because this is a dear friend and she and I used to do so much together. She was a long time single mother and our sons are friends, who even celebrated their Bar Mitzvah together last year. We just all used to get together and have fun and laugh and now I've turned into a zombie. A part of me was trying to be happy and celebrate. But when I got home I cried and cried because I'm just not the same person I was and am afraid I'll always be like this.

I suppose I should be grateful that I at least did get out today. I also went swimming at the local high school yesterday and to my son's middle school graduation a couple of weeks ago. Several months ago I couldn't have done that much, so I guess this is progress. And I also am encouraged when I hear that women have gotten through this and feel mostly better, but at the same time I feel like I'm at a dead end and simply can't go on.

I know I'm flipping and flopping all over the place, but it really does help to try to process this and get it out of my system. It's just such a shock to have gone from someone who at times thought she was superwoman and could do it all, to someone who doesn't know who, or even what she is any more. (Seriously, I don't feel human...)

Oh, God, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to make this post all about me. But maybe it will help to know that you're certainly not alone in feeling so depressed and crazed.

BTW, I may be a ghost but I'm still sending lots of hugs.

Cindy

Cindy,
I am on Prozac and have been for quite awhile. When I was going through those Twilight Zone years I was put on one after another but Prozac was the only one that didn't have any side effects like suicidal or off-the-wall crazy. Each person reacts differently to different ADs. And have you tried an anxiety med? It does help you relax, which you need once in awhile to 'come down and calm down'.

I know how you felt when you went to your friends wedding, felt it many times. About 6 months ago my neice had a baby and I went to the hospital to see them. I was in a car full of people and it was so hard to act normal. Once we got to the hospital I kind of went into an unreal, surreal, lost mode. I almost admitted myself! LOL Its good that you keep trying to go out and doing things, you can always turn around and go home if you can't take it. I've done it plenty of times. More than once I've left a cart full of groceries sitting in the aisle and just left the store. Its been awhile since I've done that though so it does get better. My big thing right now is the shaking/anxiety that comes and goes like the wind. I had it today and made myself go to a parade and thought for sure I would get there and have to go back home but boom it stopped. It seems like my stress levels seem to be low and it doesn't take much to affect me, some days just getting out of bed does it. Not sure why except its one hormone or another being mean to me. LOL I only take an anxiety med when the shaking/anxiety goes on for most of the day so you may want to try one for the days that everything goes on nonstop...its not something you take daily...although I have read posts where some people do.

If you are like me and don't take any hormone therapy it got better in time. I've even had days where I am fine..its kind of a cycle thing now. Same with the hot flashes gone for a few weeks then back...driving me crazy lately again.

Keep posting and all the wonderful ladies here are to listen and comfort.

Hugs to you and PM me anytime.
Robin

Cross.......I hear you sweets on ALL of it!! Here is a link for you to explain some of the head stuff......hope it helps..

Derealisation

Take care, sweets........by the way this CAN be debilitating....

Cindy
When I first started on AD's it was the early winter and talk about cabin fever.... I live in the midwest so it was cold and snowy. I thought I was gonna go insane. I was by myself after husband left for work and daughter went to school. I seriously had those unwanted feelings. You may want to try something else. These feelings are horrible and we should not feel this way. I still have anxiety but I take Klonopin to help that along with a good therapist to talk to. You need to do wants good for you. Talk to ur doctor please. I totally feel everything your going through. I've been there and back and there again.
hugs char

LOL! I would love that, but let's make it lunch! I know all the best places...
Shebee

Dear mood swinger, don't apologise for posting. That's what this site is designed for. I want you to think back many years ago when PMS was a fictional hormone phenomenon. I remember working in the dental field in my 20's and 30's and many women were being treated for "PMS" and severe mood swings/disorders which only took place right before their periods. I remember one patient in particular was so bad with PMS that she had to stay housebound during that time. Even though we were just "dental" professionals, we had to have complete health history's and I remember reading these history's thinking I was darn lucky not to have those horrible symptoms. I clearly remember the "Doc" referring to some of those wome as their "crazy" patients. Many doctors at the time coined these hormonal problems as hypochondriacal and prozac was thrown at every woman with a PMS problem. I saw this with my own eyes in their medical historys. On the other spectrum I saw many women in their late 30's -50's with a large aray of symptoms that were treated as TMJ. Dizziness, vertigo, headeaches, migraines, ringing in the ears, fullness in the ears, depression and anxiety. Now look at the medical community. The drug companies now embrace PMS and have even called it PMDD in more serious cases and have come up with all sorts of drugs to treat it. I think now the medical community is only begining to take a closer look at mid life hormones and how they relate to anxiety and depression and all of the other maladies related. Had Oprah not gone through severe palpitations and bizaar symptoms during the late 90's we would not have heard of bio identical hormones or perimenopause. I had to learn about perimenopause from Oprah as she had Christine Northrup MD on her program explaining this. I can tell you this as a fact: I had never suffered from PMS until I hit my 40's and I experienced the worst and scariest depression I have ever dealt with. When I would start my period, I would have instant relief. Then it would repeat every cycle for more years until the depression did not go away with my period. I went on Prozac and xanax and stayed on it for a few years. I am much better than I was, I am 49, but I have to tell you, I walk around with a low level of depression and I hate it! However, I have come to grips that this IS hormonal and it will pass. My attitude has changed my whole perception of my future dealing with this. You must not lose hope. This is not in your imagination. This is wildly swinging hormones that are trying to make the major change of life happen. Thats why its called the "CHANGE OF LIFE" simply put, our bodies are changing. They are not the same and never will be. Nothing stays the same and the best way to move through this inevitable time is to accept what is happening now and release the past days of how we used to be. Somewhere in between the two, you will find your new normal. I have to remember, I am a human, flesh and blood. Changes take a toll on our bodies. Just like my surgery 10 days ago. I was so upset because I had to go through the over emotional feeling after the surgery and then the rest phase. I had no choice. The days of telling my body what I am going to do and how quickly, those days are over. Now I have to let my body speak to me and let me know when it's had enough rest. I don't like it but the sooner I work with my new me the faster I can get on with this new chapter of my life. your in a temporary state of mind honey, I promise. Choose this day to feel the depression and fear and do it anyway until that state of mind fades and has no more power over you. You will come out with more strength, power and knowledge from this. God Bless Debra

i too feel like i have just stepped into another world of constant worry, panic, crying, feeling like my life is over because not only have i lost what i used to look like, i've also lost my libido, feel so alone, my significant other really doesn't understand either, can't blame him i suppose. i am on ad's too but still get so depressed and feel lonely, that yes it does feel like you want to end it,but i am hanging on that's basically all you can do right? i still think looking way older than i am is bugging me the most! i can get angry at the drop of a hat and a little later i am ok again i hate this stuff... thanks all for being here for us its nice to know u have support somewhere:)

I think most of us suffer in silence. How much can your family, friends, and doctor take? I remember putting on a smiley face for all of them, but I felt like I was dying inside. Meno & peri are terrible. I can't believe how much of my life has been lost.

Nowdays, I just strive to feel "normal." Normal...what a wonderful word.



We are all striving to feel normal once again. This board has really been a life-line for me. It is so reassuring that others have felt the same way that I was feeling. We are not crazy, sick, or dying. We are just going through meno.

Everyone...just hang in there. We will pass through this journey together.

Shebee

Dear Shebee,

Once again, I could have written what you just did....the last 7 months I have walked around with a smile painted on like the Joker from Batman, while on the inside I prayed for death just to end the mental anguish. I'm still in that place, some days are "less worse" than others...I wish I could say better, but that word doesnt apply in distinguishing between the horrible and the miserable.

Anyway, if you dont mind sharing, what were some of your worst symptoms? You sound like you are doing so well on the hormones, I am praying that I find the same relief when I try them. I'm still waiting for 2 tests to come back and then I'm supposed to see a doctor in NY that was recommended by Pete Haussman from the Bellevue pharmacy. If that doesnt work out, I am flying to Kansas. Lunch sounds wonderful.....I'll be waiting.

love and hugs to everyone here....

God bless you all,
Dee

Are you kidding?

LOL! What were the worst?


I lived in a brain fog with no short term memory. I could not even read one paragraph and remember what the first portion was about. This was quite disconcerting because I have always had a great love for the written word. By reading you can converse with the great minds of the past.

Sleepless nights, anxiety over nothing, Stressed to the Max...over the littlest things....Heavy periods...with cramps like giving birth or worse...fuzzy vision...numbness & tingling in hands at night...no energy...exhaustion...Migraines

...heart beat strange....sore breast....senstive to light.......my vision was always messed up...sinus problems...

word searching (I really hated this one. I could not find words in my brain when I needed them....then later on I would shout the errant word out to my puzzled family, as if I had done some wonderful feat!)...I thought that I was dying...and in early stages of Alzheimer's!

joint pain....weight gain....cold feet....I could go on and on. These are only a few of them! LOL!

Could you imagine trying to tell a doctor all of your symptoms...and could you imagine a doctor trying to prescribe meds for me?

Yes, I would have needed migraine meds, pain meds, antibiotics, blood thinners, thyroid meds, Alzheimer's meds, knee replacement, cortisone injections in my knees and elbows, ADs, nasonx, and MORE.

If I would have told my regular MD all of the symptoms that I was having, I would have been put on ADs! ...and admitted to the mental ward. However, I was never depressed, but I did show classic symptoms of depersonalization.


All of these symptoms were caused by declining (& changing) hormones.





What symptoms am I experiencing now? Let's do that list;

it is much shorter.



I still don't sleep well around full moon time. For about 4-5 days I average about 5 hours of fitful sleep each night.




BHRT is Magic!


Luv you all,
Shebee


by the way....I did decide to be 100% truthful with my ob/gyn hormone doc. He just sat there and listened and smiled. He told me that I was not the first to feel this way and that he would help me. He did. My thanks to him; he restored my mind, body, and life.

Dear 'Shebee'
Although I take HRT,no access to BHRT in this country,I have to agree with you that once I got my Hormones back the change was fantastic in every way.
Prior to being diagnosed Post Menopausal,was put on Prozac as did present all the symptoms of a lady having a complete breakdown.I often wonder if I have could have done without the AD if I had been given HRT sooner.
The Gyno. who gave me the HRT was a young Egyptian Doctor who had done extensive research on Menopause and recognised the correlation between Hormones and their effect on the entire body and mind.This is going back almost twenty years ago!So I will never forget him.
Of course,I face the usual ups and downs of everyday life.Realise my vulnerability and am still very prone to anxiety,so use the low dosage Xananx as needed..
Thank God I remain healthy.
I know some ladies well into their sixties who use HRT and others who will not touch it.
I think we are all responsible for taking our health decisions proactively along with a Doctor or Gyno. who will listen and then offer all alternatives.

I wonder how men with Premature Testosterone Failure would react!They would want their Hormones back now!

All the Best
Elizabeth

Dear 'mood-swinger'
Why the apologies honey?You can post as many times as you want and receive all the love and support of your Sisters on this Site.
First of all there is no scientific data to show that an AD can injure your brain.ADs are here to help and hundreds of people over the World use them with great success.Sometimes after one has been on a particular AD for quite a while and then goes off it ,the symptoms for which it was originally prescribed appear to return.If there is no relief after about six months it would suggest the person may require an AD again but not necessarily the same one.As physiologically we react differently to the same drug over time.
The sensible thing is to see a Therapist and discuss all the issues you are facing.Crying and feeling down for almost a year is completely exhausting and also un-necessary.You are entitled to a good quality of life and happiness,and we will haunt you till you start to get some help and hopefully feel better..

I do not know how you feel about HRT or BHRT?They can be very helpful but obviously this is a very personal decision and can be discussed with your Gyno.There are also lots of natural supplements that you may wish to try.

Please do not give up hope of feeling better.
Sometimes it takes a while to find what works best for you.
So get some appointments set up and keep us posted
You are in my Prayers
Big Hugs
Elizabeth

Dear 'forreal'
It makes me so sad to read your Post because honestly you deserve a lot better.
That is your right and sometimes we have to fight a little harder to reclaim our life and get back our hope and some zest for life.The fact is that ADs often need adjustment such as lowering or increasing the dose or going onto a new one altogether.I am no Doctor but think you should discuss how you feel with your prescribing Physician.
Sometimes our expectations of ADs may also be a little high because they help us to cope more effectively with life but unless underlying problems are brought out into the open they will have a band-aid effect.It might help to see a Therapist and find if this might be a useful coping method for you.
Have you discussed your insecurities with your partner?Sometimes men can be a little slow on the uptake but if you let him know how you feel at least he will be able to understand where you are emotionally.
This feeling of looking older can also be a manifestation of depression plus the realisation that time does keep running.It is something we all have to face but my feeling is that you do need support.
I cannot agree that 'hanging on' is good enough and neither should you.
Believe me I am not trying to sound harsh but do not accept for yourself anything less than you would for a good friend-Yourself...

Please keep Posting
We have,or still are,walking in the same shoes as you.

Warm Wishes
Elizabeth


Dear 'Dee'
I am so pleased that you are looking into the possibilities for BHRT.I pray with all my heart that they will help and one day you will not have to paint on a smile but really have one.
Please keep us posted
Warm Wishes
Elizabeth

Yes, depression IS a symptom of perimenopause. They mentioned it in the old book I found from 1882! They referred to it as "causeless depression," and it certainly was true for me. I had a good marriage, nice home, brand-new granddaughter I adored, and BANG - couldn't get out of bed for a couple months.

Estrogen bathes every cell in the body for all the years we are having cycles. When it starts pooping out, it can affect any body system, including the brain.

(((HUGS))) and don't get discouraged - this is hormonal!

JJ

I'm afraid to trust it completely, but I woke up feeling much more in my body than I have in almost nine months today, and for that I am SO grateful! I'm having a pretty intense hot flush and feeling really exhausted and still a little weird -- just looked at my hand typing this message and wondered if they're really connected to my body -- but I'm hoping that with a little more time the truly bizarre perceptions and feelings I've been having will eventually fade into a distant, unpleasant memory.

Yesterday I got together with an old friend I hadn't seen in something like twenty years and he reminded me of the vibrant and fun-loving person I used to be. I went swimming at the local H.S. pool later in the afternoon and made a commitment to start going regularly to try to build up my strength and get myself back into better physical shape.

Yet with all the positive things that have happened in the last few days, I'm feeling a profound sense of sadness and loss. I am coming to understand that most of what is going on in my body and mind is hormonal and has led to "causeless" depression. But at the same time, I'm also being flooded by all the the reasons I feel like I have good "cause" to be both depressed and anxious.

Over the last few months, I feel like I've aged years. While poeple tell me they think I look good, I feel like I'm tired, weak, my back hurts, I get out of breath very easily and I feel like I can't concentrate or remember very well...very hard for someone who not too long ago prided herself on her mind, her stamina and her ability to multi-task.

I am not only not in a relationship but have a very hostile and abusive ex husband who made my life a living hell. Our divorce/custody proceedings were so horrible that they earned the case a spot in a national report on family court related corruption. While it's too long to get into here, leaving him landed me in jail, and I lost my house, my money, many of my possessions, and I almost lost both my son and my mind.

After I left my husband, I moved back into my mother's house with my son thinking it would be temporary. I really didn't want to because our relationship has been so difficult for so many years. But I had no place else to go. Long story short, but while I'm grateful that I've had a roof over my head for myself and my son, I feel like I'm a prisoner and I realize Ive been stuffing my anger and pain at my mother for years and I feel like that was a trigger for me having a complete nervous breakdown during this peri-meno hell. My mother now has lost her driver's license and has difficulty walking and getting around. So not only can't she be there for me to help support me through this difficult time, but she's angry -- thinks I'm making this stuff up -- that I haven't been able to drive her places, cook, clean, shop, entertain her, take care of the house, etc., etc., while I've been desperately trying to put whatever energy I've got into making things as normal as possible for my son (who's turning 14 next week).

I forgot to mention that three years ago the house burned down. I had been planning on going back to school to get a teaching credential. I already have a master's degree in another profession, but unfortunately let my license lapse and it would take an awful lot to get it reinstated. In the aftermath of the fire, I just couldn't start the school program.

But now I'm feeling completely stuck. I lost my job, I'm looking at filing for disability, and I'm having a REALLY hard time with viewing myself as a poor, disabled person. I feel like I'm at a dead end.I'm middle aged, I don't have a husband, or many friends, or any real support system. I'm broke, I'm sick, I'm lonely and I'm scared. I guess what I'm saying is, unfortunately I feel like I have real reasons now to be so depressed (LOL???)

BTW, I think I'm going to go out now and buy a lottery ticket. In recent weeks, I've won about 45 dollars. I figure now I only have a couple million more to go, sigh...

thanks Elizabeth,
I have discussed everything with him but i guess to him i just sound like a broken record,he'll say;Yes I've heard this all before! all of my problems are truly my fault anyways,i for some reason stopped taking care of myself like six or seven years ago,i was on Paxil i think for a long time and always felt lazy,,tired etc. so little by little i stopped taking care of my teeth,my neck is crooked i used to see a chyropractor for that and he doesn't accept MA anymore so have been afraid to see anyone else.I have mild agoraphobia and absolutely hate Doctors,I did go in at one time to see if i was going through mid-life,cuz the receptionist i talked to said that's what it sounded like,i was crying and such so she said' I have a good doctor for you to see so i thought this is great,went in to see her and she looked at me like i was a big joke!! she said what do you want me to do for you after of course she said no you are not going through it till you have missed your period for a year. I did not know about peri-menopause till later,but she didn't even mention that i may be going through that!! needless to say i gave up on doctors and dentists so i have bad teeth,crooked neck,sunken in cheekbones, really i look awful and people remind of that every time i walk out the door! I am starting to hate people cuz of it,my other even seems to look away from me alot... it really does hurt. i also know alot of this is my fault though,for not taking care of myself.. i also lost weight really fast and am now left with excess hanging skin and bones sticking out.. sorry to be so detailed,but i really don't know what to do... i am afraid to see doctors and dentists i was supposed to have my gallbladder out and skipped out on that so am paying for it by eating very little as to not feel the symptoms of my gallbladder.. i know i need to somehow get the courage to help myself,my other says when you are in enough pain u will go in! he's right.sorry this is depressing i just am sick of bieng afraid of everything

cross18
i am also going through the same stuff u are with my mother,she lost her license recently due to her eyes and i was going over to her house in the summer twice a week,to do yard work for her and have had days where i told my mom i just can't make it over today and she is mad at me and saying i am soooooo selfish and to stop thinking only of me but she doesn't understand me at all ... i do feel like i leave her in the dust alot and fell so bad about it too.. what do you do about this when no one understands you except that you are selfish and get over it!! i admit i do think about myself alot but only because i want to fix what iv'e undone in my life but oh well...... what can i say i try to pray to God about all of this and end up falling asleep before i finish..lol. no really it's frustrating as heck,this feels so good getting this out though u can't imagine!!!
thanks everybody!!

Yes, I wonder, too! LOL!


You have such great post.
Shebee

Thank you so much Elizabeth and everyone else as well. Your posts are always so good and enlightening. I did try the BHRT for about a month. Found out that I cannot tolerate the progesterone and the estrogen messed up my thyroid. You are right about the ADs. Just because one helped in the past does not mean it will help in the future. I have found this out. At least I am better than I was.... I have started driving again and getting out some. It was so hard at first, but I am MAKING myself do it. So, that is a start. I appreciate your encouragement and your prayers so much.

Hugs to you as well,
mood_swinger

I've been thinking about you...and just wanted to post.

What a tough place to be in right now.


The BHRT did wonders for me; I guess that I just expect it to work for everyone. (little bit unrealistic on my part, eh?) LOL! What type of bios were you taking? I am on the Peri Ride, A few years back when I tried the Progest. from the health food store it was disastrous! I needed both E & P together at the same time. Your thyroid problem makes it even more tricky.


I have tried the 5HTP before without any side effects. I don't know if it helped or not because I did not take it for very long. Many people use ADs for a time and then wean off of them. Although I hate taking any type of drugs, they are not all evil. They have their place. There are so many to choose from...and you might consider using something for the day, instead of taking something daily.


I used to have severe migraines. I was so afraid of the daily meds. I was also afraid to be more than 1/2 hour away from my home...and I was afraid to eat out because I did not know what was in the food. I did know that I was allergic to lemons, so I had to constantly consult the cook to ask about every ingredient and limited myself to certain dishes. It's funny, but now I can tolerate lemon in small amount, but I don't push it.


What type of symptoms are you having other than depression? Have you been completely checked out by your doc? (blood-work & etc?) Lyme disease also causes meno-like symptoms.. (However, please don't freak out and obsess on trying to find things wrong.) Most likely it is your thyroid and fluctuating hormones.

When I had lyme, I found a wonderful lady MD who used both supplements and drugs. If she could, she would use the supplements first. She was a big fan of finding the root cause of the problem. She would treat the symptoms, but "cure" the problem. She is located in Grandview, Missouri. Many people travel to see her. She has helped so many people. My first visit with her was over three hours long. She took my medical history starting from birth! ...also, she does counseling. She must be the 8th wonder of the world.


At least you know what is going on with you and that is half the battle. Peri & meno wreaks havoc with our lives. If I were in your shoes, I would go find someone (professional) to talk with. They would be able to give you many coping techniques that would help you. Just knowing and recognizing what is happening is half the battle. Also, I would ask for a mild tranq. that you could use on occasion when you are not doing well. These would help get you through the hard days.

One more thing...depression usually has a "root" cause. Most of the time it is caused from unresolved anger. Unresolved anger is sometimes caused by situations that have no solution or you do not have any power to change the situation. A therapist could help you identify and clarify the cause; they could also help you to figure out what to do or at least point you in the right direction. There are solutions to every problem.

When you are in a depressed state, just hanging in there is sometimes all that you can do, but Storms never last forever. It is good to force yourself to do "normal" things. Many times when you do the action, the feelings will follow.


My prayers and heart goes out to you. The memories of the memo-he** are still fresh in my mind, but with each passing day they seem less. You are not alone. I thought that I was; I had no one to talk with. It would have helped if I had had support. My family, and friends were not helpful. I never realized that there was a site like this one out there, and I never thought about seeing a therapist. If I had it to do over again, I would do many things different. It would have saved me many days of misery.




Here's a hug to start your day,



Shebee

[quote name='Shebee' date='Jun 27 2009, 10:32 PM' post='292882']
Are you kidding?

LOL! What were the worst?


I lived in a brain fog with no short term memory. I could not even read one paragraph and remember what the first portion was about. This was quite disconcerting because I have always had a great love for the written word. By reading you can converse with the great minds of the past.

Sleepless nights, anxiety over nothing, Stressed to the Max...over the littlest things....Heavy periods...with cramps like giving birth or worse...fuzzy vision...numbness & tingling in hands at night...no energy...exhaustion...Migraines

...heart beat strange....sore breast....senstive to light.......my vision was always messed up...sinus problems...

word searching (I really hated this one. I could not find words in my brain when I needed them....then later on I would shout the errant word out to my puzzled family, as if I had done some wonderful feat!)...I thought that I was dying...and in early stages of Alzheimer's!

joint pain....weight gain....cold feet....I could go on and on. These are only a few of them! LOL!

Could you imagine trying to tell a doctor all of your symptoms...and could you imagine a doctor trying to prescribe meds for me?

Yes, I would have needed migraine meds, pain meds, antibiotics, blood thinners, thyroid meds, Alzheimer's meds, knee replacement, cortisone injections in my knees and elbows, ADs, nasonx, and MORE.

If I would have told my regular MD all of the symptoms that I was having, I would have been put on ADs! ...and admitted to the mental ward. However, I was never depressed, but I did show classic symptoms of depersonalization.

All of these symptoms were caused by declining (& changing) hormones.

BHRT is Magic! [quote]


Shebee....I am so happy for you. I am clinging to your words (BHRT is Magic), and praying that replacement will allow me to regain my life, as you did. I am still waiting to find the right doctor though. I am so scared because I have no more money to spend and the next one has to be the right one, but its all such a gamble. My only hesitancy with going to your Dr in Kansas, is that I would not be able to easily come back for necessary follow-ups and in case something went very wrong. So I am trying to find someone reputable who is a little closer. I will keep you posted.

I also wanted to ask if your symptoms of DP (depersonalization) went away with the bhrt? This is one of the worst things that has happened to me with all of this, and it is becoming debilitating. I have been experiencing severe on and off episodes of Derealization/Depersonalization, and a general feeling of mental unwellness, though not a true "depression". I was wondering if these symptoms were truly resolved when you started hormone replacement?

Hanging on to hope....Dee

My dear
You have been on my mind nearly all day.
Please forgive me if I sound too intrusive but it is only because we all care about each other here.Once you become a member of the Power-Surge Sisterhood there is no escape.
I and all our sisters do not care if you have only one tooth in your head or there is excess skin hanging around but we do care enough to beg you to seek help and do not give up until you get it!
There are free Well Woman Clinics and Centers that can help in your area.You deserve respect and dignity and all these thoughts and feelings you have are very real but they will not just go away
Call the Samaritans!Reach out your hand as you did here on this Post.
Be proactive about getting the help you need
Please,I know it is so difficult when that crushing depression and anxiety get a hold.
I honestly do not imagine that people. are looking out you but when we are down or feeling less confident it can certainly feel like this.
Please do not neglect yourself any longer
Keep in touch.

Gentle Hugs
Elizabeth

Thank you so much Shebee for your sweet reply. I am glad that you are doing better now and so sorry that you did not have Power Surge when you were going through the worst of your meno time.

You asked about my other symptoms.... well, I think I have nearly all of the 34 listed on this site. The hardest is the derealization and depersonalization. Also, anxiety, joint pain, increased allergies, panic, hot flashes, changes in my body, eyes, and skin, etc. etc. Like I said it has been going on since Aug. of last year when a major stressor plunged me into a panic state and depression. I had been off my zoloft at that time for around 7 months or so. Anyway, I tried to go back on it but the side effects were just too much. I even am having to wean off very slowly w/ a compounded 10 percent reduction per week. This is my last week and I will be through with it. For some reason it made me much more depressed this time around. It has been nearly 8 months w/ no period and I HOPE they are gone!

I know I will get through this. Everyone tells me that I can and will. It will just take time. I have been to 17 doctors since Aug. I will tell that story some day in the doctor thread... and you can check out my story on my profile page. (Believe me, I could write a book with what I have learned about doctors!!!!) I am under the care of one of the best endos in all of Nashville, but he is so against any med for hypothyroidism other than Synthroid. I can't help but wonder if this may be part of the problem. I have been on it for 10 years and now since meno hit, it is hard to find the right dosage because of the other fluctuating hormones. I am scared to death to try any hormones again. I felt so much worse on them. My body is SO sensitive to meds... I do not eat sugar nor drink caffeine and have a good diet, so most meds and even some herbs are like poison to me.

I guess all this is just peri. I am not sure what else it could be other than maybe just having lots of regrets about my past and scared of the future and scared to get old. I just do not know. I am even questioning my love for my husband.... wondering if I did the right thing by marrying him here 23 years later. I keep asking myself if he would be better off with someone else. I feel so inadequate as a wife. I was unable to have children and he would have made a wonderful father. I keep thinking he should be with someone more "normal". I guess too I put too much expectations on myself. Everything is just MAGNIFIED here at meno and our feelings get so screwy, maybe it is hard to feel love for others or something.

Wish I lived closer to that doctor in MO. How wonderful to be treated so compassionately like that. How wonderful to get to the root cause and not just treat symptoms w/ pills! Sounds like she is amazing. I've not found anyone like that around here, but right now I have no desire to go back to the doctor any time soon. I just cannot take the stress.

Thanks for caring and the hug.
Love, mood_swinger

Thank You!
Elizabeth, I will check into what you've told me

You know...sometimes I think that we are our own worst enemy!

When I was not-functional, my feelings were intensified by the fact that I knew what I was like before peri hit.
Vibrant, fun, outgoing, always to pitch in and work, happy, and a great mother. When meno hit...I was none of those things.
I really felt even worse because I was always comparing the old me to the semi-functional shell of a woman that I had become,
fearing that I would continually spirl downward.


How pathetic I was...



My family never treated badly; on the contrary, they were extra caring. Did I care? I tried. I tried so hard. The depersonalization that I felt was the worst. I put on a smile and to the best of my ability, I tried to "act" normal, but I was not. I was a mess! It was like I was inside...looking out, watching the world whiz by me. It did help to force myself to do things. I had no idea that my symptoms (and yes, I had almost all of them, too) were hormonal.

My older sister, so I discovered, has been going through the same things. LOL! She is 2 years older than I am (she will always be older, too!) and things are starting to calm down a bit for her. She is not on bios.

You cannot judge yourself by your old self. You will come up short every time. At this point in your life, you will just have to accept how your are feeling and hang on....just like onto a roller-coaster. I am sure that it will pass.

Look around you...there are many happy, healthy older women who are power-houses, full of energy. Do what you can do...change what you can. Quit stressing on anything else.

Find a top bio/thyroid doc when you are able. ...and if I were you, I would insist on a "trial" of armor. After all, you are PAYING your doctor and it is your body. Sariah has a lot of great information.

I do understand about going to a lot of doctors. LOL! The doctors even sent me to other doctors. LOL! I just needed the right doc. Maybe try ...number 18? LOL! (I can't even believe I suggested that to you! But, I did. LOL!)


My current doc is in the top 10 thyroid docs and he understands about bios and knows exactly how to balance them. I would like to clone him and send him to you!

...and truly, I am sorry because sometimes I think that I am very blunt. I suppose it comes from reading too much non-fiction. LOL! However, I do care about you. I hate to see anyone suffer. When I felt so bad, my whole live focused on me. I hated that, too, but it was all that I could do to drag myself out of bed and function. Now, once again, I can focus on others.


This board will always be here for you,
Shebee

I just got back from an appt with a therapist for my son a little while ago. The psychologist doesn't think there's anything psychiatric wrong with my son, but he's concerned about some of the physical symptoms my son described to him. I am petrified that my son might also have lyme and now I can't stop crying.

I tried to hug my son earlier and he asked me why I was so weird. I had to run out of the room when he said that, because I didn't want him to see me like this.

It's comforting to read that others have experienced this insanity too, especially the depersonalization and derealization that make me feel like an outright freak stuck in a hellish nightmare. But please, please, PLEASE remind me (yet again) that one of these days I will wake up...

I may be nuts, but I am so grateful to have all of you and love you all so much!

Cindy

LOL
AMEN TO THAT,I CAN'T WAIT TO WAKE UP EITHER!!!!

Sending you big hugs Cindy! It will get better! Hope your son feels better soon.

I thought we could all use a good laugh...I hope I did this right, but go to my profile and check out the picture I have in my profile.

Hugs,

Cindy

Love it! Is that a Lab?

That's Sinbad. I was told he was a lab/hound mix. But I think he's got some rottweiler in him and the vet thinks border collie. I call him my designer dog. Whatever he is, he's the best!

Cindy

OK, that's weird. The photo isn't there now, it reverted to the old one I had. How do I get it so it displays with my id when I post???

Cindy

Miss Cindy,

The good news is that you are screwed up. LOL! ...and rightful so...I might add...Your son...is coping and doing OK.
That is GOOD NEWS. (He is probably dealing with things better than you. Oh, what a joy to have such support!)



I had my daughter tested, too. Her reg MD thought is was a bit much, but when presented with FACTS...he just tested.
NEGATIVE. It is possible, very possible that you have had lyme for years and your body was able to fight it off. Lyme is very slow moving....It may not cause problems for years. Your son is OK, and what is the worst? He has lyme...does the crummy antibiotic and is fine.




! Dry up those tears.




Save them for Real things...(Do not live in "what if's!!!! Aw, I always treat you like my sis...I can be so mean sometimes, but, yet, sensible!) Is it no wonder that she hate me and loves me at the same time?

Miss Cindy,
I had my daughter tested, too. Her reg MD thought is was a bit much, but when presented with FACTS...he just tested.
NEGATIVE. It is possible, very possible that you have had lyme for years and your body was able to fight it off. Lyme is very slow moving....It may not cause problems for years. Your son is OK, and what is the worst? He has lyme...does the crummy antibiotic and is fine.




! Dry up those tears.




Save them for Real things...(Do not live in "what if's!!!! Aw, I always treat you like my sis...I can be so mean sometimes, but, yet, sensible!) Is it no wonder that MY sister hates me and loves me at the same time?

Sending my Shebee Advice..for what it is worth,
Shebee

I do understand the need for tough love at times. I've also managed to hold it together through some pretty rough times -- horrible divorce from an abusive ex, my house burning down, etc.. -- but this IS the real thing. I'm sick, physically and mentally and I'm scared!

I don't have a husband, don't have a real support system, just lost my job and am dead broke, mostly from having had to spend so much on doctor bills and medication that my HMO won't cover. Yes, to a certain degree I do need to fake it so as not to scare my son. But there is nothing, NOTHING that could be worse than if he is sick. Hopefully he's not, but to even imagine that he might be suffering like I have been is just too much for me to bear.

So yes, while I am hopeful and I am trying BHRT and I hope and pray every day that I will eventually snap out of this, it's really not so easy when you're poor, unemployed, sick and a single mother...

Cindy,
Don't be scared...you have us to stand by you!