My wife is going through the change and has developed really bad nerves. She can't stand any type of noise and her temper is off the charts. Several months ago, we discovered by accident as I was taking off her shoes that rubbing and massaging her feet seems to soothe her irritable moods and keep her temper from erupting.

So we started these foot massages. In the beginning, all it took was five minutes, or less, after work to calm her nerves but she's been gradually needing more frequent and longer & longer massages to achieve the same results. The part that I have a problem with is that she expects me to drop everything and instantly start massaging her feet no matter what else might be going on.

The other day, while we were having supper, the phone rang and that sent her nerves into convulsions. She pushed back from the table and kicked off her shoes indicating for me to massage her feet. I asked if we could finish supper first and she swung both of her fists over her head, smashing them down onto the table and screamed that her temper could not wait and that she was already feeling one of her rages starting to come over her. So I spent the next 15-20 minutes rubbing her feet as my supper got cold.

Does anyone else's spouse require foot massages to calm her temper and does this behavior sound excessive or, if it keeps her temper from raging, should I consider it a blessing that we have discovered it? Her temper outbursts have almost completely disappeared as long as her feet are massaged and prior to that she regularly would throw and smash anything that she could get her hands on.

When I first read your post, I was like HELL YEA.

And yes, she is taking it too far. As I thought more and more about it, the problem is that she probably addicted to the feelings it brings to her. Obviously you found something that really makes her feel good, and as we all know when something feels good it releases endorphines which puts us in a state of peace.

My 1st and most important suggestion, is do not tell her how you feel about it until after you messaged her feet. Meaning, put her in a state of peace first. Tell her that you are so happy that you have found something that brings her such peace, and that makes you feel so good. Then carefully let her know certain scenarios that make's you feel as if you are being forced. Honestly in the middle of dinner, that is little bit much, honestly, no matter how addictive she is to it. And I would believe that she will see that, or at the least she should.

Also try other methods of relaxing her, cuz honestly I wish more men got it, but relaxation is the KEY! I truly love when I am laying down on the couch or the bed, and my husband just softly brushes my hair w/his fingers, like right across my forehead or down the nape of my neck, ah that is so damn relaxing.... I just had to laugh, I could see me telling my husband, ah I am so stressed can you run your fingers through my hair during dinner, OMG he would look at me and say have you lost your mind... Sense of humor is good too... LOL

She also needs to find her own methods that she can do on her own, like a nice long hot bath. Another favorite is a hot bath w/lavendar scent, and candles. That does wonders too...

Make her a cup of Herbal Hot Tea w/Valerian and/or Chamomile Tea (Celestial Seasonings is the best in my opinion). If she likes it sweet, add a little sugar w/honey. This really helps me relax as well....

Surely though you need to address this w/her. I don't know how long you all have been married, or do I know she was always like this in just some other way, these are all things to take into consideration.

But hat's off to you, cuz you have found the key to most women, and that is get them to relax, but she can't take advantage of that either.... Damn, wish my hubby would massage my feet - he hates feet LOL....

Good luck... Keep us posted....

She has you trained Sounds like she is taking you for granted. Speak up.

You're gonna kill me for this, but when I read this I couldn't stop laughing I just had this clear image of a spoilt little girl wanting her own way.... But seriously, I know you're trying to help, and you sound like a really, REALLY sweet and caring guy --- Just dont let her push you around..... Have you thought about sending her to a reflexologist or having one come visit your home? You've really touched my heart.. (((hugs)) to you!!

lost me at "the change "

LOLOL

Oops. Sorry if I didn't use the proper etiquette. As my name implies, I'm new to a lot of this.

15-20 minutes of massaging her feet is preferable to 5-10 minutes of her throwing & smashing things and slapping & hitting me. As I said, since we've "discovered" this little secret, her rages have become almost non-existent and prior to that, her temper was beyond words to describe -- she was irritable and hot-tempered even on her best days so you can just imagine what things were like when she was in a less than perfect mood but now, with the massages, her bad temper has almost completely disappeared.

Thank you for all of the suggestions. I will try to gradually incorporate them to see which ones work. With regards to whether she has always been like this? Pretty much so. She's always had a temper and as she has gotten older, that temper has grown shorter and shorter. In order to keep the peace, I pampered her as best as I could. I work two jobs. One full-time and one part-time while she works only one part-time job yet I do almost all of the housework (cleaning, laundry, most of the cooking, etc.). Despite my best efforts at trying to pacify her temper, her rages continued to grow more violent and more frequent until we discovered this "little secret" several months ago.

In many ways I think that it is a blessing and I wish that we had discovered it earlier but I think that she is taking advantage of it (a lot of times I barely walk in the door from work and she is screaming that she needs her feet massaged that very second and it can not wait or she is going to "explode into a million pieces"). I will do what you say and bring it up for discussion AFTER a massage when she is in a calm state. Thank you again.

Thank you for your comments but it may be a bit late to not having her push me around. As I said above, in order to keep the peace, I've tried to pacify her temper whenever I could and I read elsewhere (can't find the link right now but it was an very interesting article) that the more somebody tries to placate someone, the more intolerant they become. That is what seems to have happened with us. Her temper was growing worse & worse until we discovered this foot massage secret.

I love foot massages and it does calm me when I am anxious. But to demand it when you are in the middle of dinner is ridiculous! If she is THAT worked up, while you finish your dinner she could be rubbing her own damn feet! Slapping and hitting you just because she is having a "meno rage" is just plain abuse (I would throw fruit at my husbands head ) but realized that in the end I DO have control over HOW I let my rage out. We all do it during meno and when I get bad I have learned to isolate myself so I don't attack the ones I love (or any innocent bystanders!). Getting a leopard to change it's spots can be hard....but it can be done and at the very least do NOT let her slap you around. Neither of you win at that point and it damages a relationship beyond repair!

Well this is just plain abusive. You are infact enabing her bad behaviour --I feel so sorry that you are dealing with this ---

Peri/menopause is a huge struggle for some of us, but there is no excuse for what she is doing. Maybe she needs counselling. Please keep posting so we can help you.


(((hugs))

You know as I read more of your reply, the more I think, and going to be a little blunt here, no offense to you, but she is just a Bitch. There is no excuse for ANY one to hit someone, none. From what you have stated, she always had a temper issue and it has seemed to get worse. Trust me, I got a temper, and don't get me wrong I might beat the heck out of my vacuum cleaner once in while, but seriously what she is doing is wrong.

It is apparent that you are pulling all the weight, and she is totally taking advantage of the situation. The only thing that I would suggest is that she get's some counseling, and perhaps you too. Cuz I don't mean to hurt you, but you do not deserve to be treated as such, you deserve much better. So you need to ask yourself why are you allowing yourself to be treated as such. Keep in mind, we can't change people, we can only change ourselves.

I am curious how long have the two of you been together?

She needs to get at the root as to why she is full of so much anger. Trust me, yea hormones will drive us nuts, it will put us into a rage, but at the same time we do know our limits, and when I do fly off the handle, I then have guilt. If I get nasty w/my husband, be short w/him, w/in a few minutes (sometimes longer), I will tell him I am sorry. By now he knows, and he understand, but at the same time I do not take him for granted, nor do I treat him w/disrespect. Respect is key. You respect her, she needs to respect you, and more importantly you need to respect you.

I am sure you must of discussed this w/her in the past, all I can suggest is that you try again. But at some point, you need to do what is best for you. Sometimes when ppl finally take a stand for themselves, the other will actually respect that...

So sorry you are going thru this.

Ladies, why is it the "good" men get the crap, hmmmm...

Take care, and you will find the answer that you are looking for!!! Blessings on ya both...

Ditto

Ditto from me too. DONT let her walk all over you or be abusive . Thats just not right !!!!

Thank you everyone for your replies. You've all given me some things to think about. Let quickly address some specific comments ...



Tell me about it.



That's easier said than done. About a decade ago I tried to defend myself from one of her tantrums by holding her arms to keep her from hitting me. Even though I had a number of cuts and bruises, she had one bruise on her wrist from where I tried to hold her back and I got in trouble. Since then, to prevent a repeat, I have made more of an effort to keep the peace by placating her while she, on the other hand, seems to have made even less of an effort to control her temper. It is almost as if she were proud of her short fuse and often holds it as a threat over my head.

For example, if she can't rationally argue her point, she'll say: "My temper!!" as a warning that she better get her way or else an explosion will quickly follow.



Yeah, I realize that NOW. The more I try to pacify her ill temper, the less tolerant she becomes. The problem is that I didn't realize it at the time. I thought that if I bent over backwards to please her, it would help matters. It did at that moment but in the long run, it just made matters worse.



Thank you.



When we first met, her "bitchiness" was sort of endearing but that changed around the time we started planning our wedding. It changed from being "endearing" to just plain "nasty". I thought that it was the stress of the wedding preparations and that things would return to normal once the wedding was over but that was not the case. The old saying "the honeymoon is over" really applied in our case. Even while we were on our honeymoon, her "bitchiness" took on a nastiness that has grown worse & worse over the years.



Well, we both work. She now works part-time because her nerves can't stand more than a few hours of aggravation each day. That's also the reason why she doesn't do the housework -- because she needs to relax her nerves.

I, on the other hand, work at one full-time job and one part-time job. To be perfectly honest, we COULD get by on with just her part-time job and my full-time job. It would be tight but I think that we could do it. The real reason why I work the part-time job (in addition to giving us a financial buffer) is to keep me out of the house and away from her temper.



That's not going to happen because she doesn't think that there is a problem. She freely admits to having a temper and being prone to ungovernable rages where she doesn't know what she is doing but she doesn't see it as a problem. As I said above, it's almost has if she is proud of her short fuse.

As far as me getting counseling, how would that work? I would walk in there and say that my wife has a hot-temper? Wouldn't they tell me that she needs to be in there instead of me?



It will be 19 years in November.



That's like talking in circles. She basicly says that since she can not control her temper, she is therefore not responsible for what happens when she rages out of control and if I don't want her to lose her temper, then I have to learn how to control her temper.

OMG! Telling you she has no control over her temper is a copout. She's an abusive woman who seems to actually ENJOY what she's doing. Just out of curiosity WHY do you stay in such a volitile situation? Getting mad is one thing but when you CHOSE to cross the line to physical violence my dear THAT IS A CHOICE!!! You need to tell her to keep her hands to herself or start hitting back. At this point is not abuse....it's self defense for you! Give the ol girl a dose of her own medicine!

Honestly, you can ask yourself these questions, and be honest w/yourself. Yes, it is HER temper, but yet you have put up w/it for 19 years. Not knowing the whole story, just from what you have shown here, it's basically an abusive relationship, both physically and emotionally.

If she is not willing to work on her issues, and it seems she projects them unto you. You can't fix her, you can not change her. If she does not see that she has the problem, and that only she can honestly address it, then it is never going to change. I don't know who I honestly feel worse for you, or her. My heart truly goes out to you because of what you have endured, but when people act out the way she does, she is obviously suffering some deep emotional stuff. People are not just "born" a certain way, life leaves it marks on us, both good and bad. But as my mom always said, you only go around once in this world, so make the best of it. We can't at the end of the day, say you know I should of, would of, could of, and then turn back the clock and try all over again.

If you want to stay with her, then you must accept her for what she is, because again she is not going to change, unless she wants to. And in the meantime, if you stay w/her and don't accept her for what she is, you will have constant battle in your mind and heart about how she makes you feel. That will surely, if already hasn't, build up as resentment, and one day you are going to blow. So although this may be about "her" temper, it is also about you, and how "you" are going to deal w/it and if "you" are going to accept it.

Like I said before, I can somewhat relate, cuz I too have a temper, and I have been known to be a bitch. And like you, my husband appreciates that, why because for him it is a sign of strength, here is a woman that stand for herself. But the difference is two-fold, I am not controlled by my temper, I use it to my advantage, it can sometimes be my drive my motivation. And then there are times, when I can feel boiling over inside of me, so I know I need to take a time-out. Whether it be just go outside, and take a few long deep breathes or go for a nice walk. Now if my husband was nit-wit, and wanted to push my buttons, oh for sure it would be horrible relationship. He knows, when to back off, and when not too. Just as I do w/him. One of the things that so attracted me to him, some 20 years ago, is no matter how made I was, I could be shaking bcz I was so mad at something. And he could almost immediately, make me smile. I had been in relationships in the past, that the other person would just feed off my anger, and OMG it was like who got the last word. But w/him, he just knows how to take me down a level, which has been wonderful for me. It has made me a better person, and good mom. So see, ppl can help ppl change, as long as both parties are willing to participate. And again, this is something that someone may be able to teach you....

Dont laugh, but it kinds of reminds me of the show, the Dog Whisper. Although he is dealing w/dogs, he uses his energy and approach to get the desired interaction. When I watch his show, I say, if that can work w/dogs, it can surely work w/humans. And believe that is true... Like he says, he does deal w/problem pets, but w/problem pet owners... You should watch it some day, they need to rename the show, the Human Whisper...

Best of luck to you, and hey, just keep us posted, life is journey, and God puts ppl in our paths to help us grow and help us w/life.... That's one of the reasons why I love this site so much...

Take care, and blessings on ya...

Counseling CAN HELP YOU. It can help you to set bounderies she is simply not allowed to cross and can so so so reduce the stress around this whole situation for YOU! Have you ever given thought to whether or not she might have some form of mental illness? Might be worth doing some research. In the end, sadly it all still boils down to her and what SHE choses to acknowledge about herself and how SHE can fix it. Doesn't sound like that is coming up anytime soon so you need to start taking care of yourself and the first step is not letting her control and abuse you. There ARE abuse centers everywhere including for men. Check it out. They may just save your sanity.

Dear new to this,

My son was married to a woman a lot like your wife for 14 years. She was just plain MEAN to him. She hated EVERYTHING. She hated being pregnant, and told everyone she wished she had had abortions. My son practially raised their two boys alone while she stayed gone working or just ignored her children. He did the housework, yardwork, help with homework, school visits, etc., all while working full-time and going to college for his degree in law inforcement. She would hit my son also, once with a two by four to the knee. She was arrested twice during their marriage, but he took her back each time. My son is the sweetest, most loving, gentle man. They got married right out of high school, while he was home on leave from Marine Corp boot camp. He finally left her five years ago and has since remarried and has a three-year-old daughter with his new wife. She's a wonderful, loving daughter-in-law and they have a very good marriage. He's finally truely happy.

I hate to see people waste years of their lives in an abusive marriage, but I understand how it happens and also how hard it is to make the decision to get out, especially if there are kids. No one knows what really goes on behind closed doors.

I just want you to know we are all here for you on PS anytime you need to talk, vent, or need advice from a bunch of wise middle-aged women.

I think someone is missing the point here. This should have been titled ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP instead of Foot Massages! OMG!!! I cannot even read this, it is so disturbing to me! This woman needs MAJOR help and so do you. I really don't care what she is going through, she needs to control herself one way or another!!! There are rules for every single one of us and this is definitely a number one rule! ABUSE IS NOT ALLOWED!!! This kind of stuff gets to me worse than anything! She is a bully and you are her doormat! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Listen, I can say this because I have been through it and I learned the hard way that this is NOT the way it's suppose to be. YOU are the only one who can change this situation.

I never really thought of it as "abuse". I guss that when you are involved in the middle of it and it gradually gets worse & worse, you don't realize how bad things might have become until somebody from the outside looking in opens your eyes to it.

I'm glad that you understand where I'm coming from and appreciate the support.

We're getting into some highly personal and perhaps even embarassing areas but since all of you have offered to help, perhaps I should take advantage of that offer and so, here goes.

I never had much luck with members of the opposite sex when I was in school. I would get nervous, tongue-tied, not know what to say, etc. As a result, I had very few dates and that left me with low confidence and not much of a self esteem [sp]. My wife, on the other hand, was several years my senior and had just gone through a divorce when her first husband left her. She later told me that she hooked up with me on the rebound because she needed to be with somebody after her divorce and grabbed the first person that she could find.

I didn't know that at the time and was flattered that someone my superior was interested in me. Let me try to explain what I mean by "superior". She was older, more experienced and more attractive than I was. I came to this conclusion because she had already been married and that meant that somebody had been interested in her and found her attractive. Plus, I also thought that she was attractive. While I, on the other hand, never even had a steady girlfriend -- which pointed in my mind that women didn't find me attractive.

I'm not sure if I am properly putting this into words so perhaps I can illustrate what I mean with a EXTREME example. If the head cheerleader in high school, who normally dates only the captain of the football team, asks a freshman benchwarmer out on a date, he will see her as being "superior" to him and feel grateful and flattered and might put up with certain things just for the privilege of going out with her.

That's sort of where I was. I had low confidence. I was grateful that somebody "superior" to me was interested in me and I overlooked certain things for the privilege of going out with her.

'Becca233' put some of this into words very well ...

QUOTE (Becca233 @ Jun 25 2009, 09:26 AM)

Like I said before, I can somewhat relate, cuz I too have a temper, and I have been known to be a bitch. And like you, my husband appreciates that, why because for him it is a sign of strength, here is a woman that stand for herself.

... I was attracted to my wife's assertiveness because back then her temper wasn't directed at me most of the time and the times that it was, it was one of those things that I overlooked in exchange for the privilege of going out with her.

As I said above, as we started getting closer to our wedding, her temper started coming out more & more toward me. She said that it was her "nerves" and having visions of calmer times earlier, I assumed that once the wedding was over, thnigs would return to those "nicer" times. Unfortunately, that never happened. It was almost as if during our dating and before the wedding she was on her best behavior and now that that was over the real her came out.

Why have I stayed? When changes happen slowly and gradually, they are harder to notice and easier to accept. Go into MS-Word or MS-Powerpoint or MS-Paint and start playing with the colors. Pick a value of 255 for red, 0 for green and 0 for blue. Then increase the green to 1, then to 2, then to 3 and so forth and so on until you get to R=255:G=255:B=0. R=255:G=0:B=0 is the color red while R=255:G=255:B=0 is the color yellow. Your eyes will not be able to tell the differece between R=255:G=0:B=0 and R=255:G=1:B=0 nor R=255:G=2:B=0 but in 255 steps you will have gone from red to yellow even though you did not notice any change going from step to step.

The same thing happened with my wife. She didn't go for okay to super-shrew over night. The change was slow & gradual making it difficult to notice and easier to accept. I'll give you another example. Take a frog and put him in a pot of hot water and he'll jump out because it is unpleasant to him and potentially dangerous but place that same frog in a pot of cold water and he will sit there. Then if you put that pot on the stove and slowly start raising the temperature, the frog will continue to sit there even if the water is boiling, he'll die in there because, being a clod-blooded animal, he didn't notice the slow and gradual change in temperature.

Same thing with me and my wife. Her temper slowly & gradually got worse until we are at the point where we are today. To be perfectly honest, until all of you starting pointing things out, I really didn't see her temper as the issue. I was actually happy that I found a way to calm her temper with these foot massages after having to endure her temper for all of these years. I've gone for months WITHOUT a slap or a punch or a kick when BEFORE the massages, those things happened almost daily and sometime multiple times a day.

I thought that things were finally on the right track.

Well, this is certainly not the direction that I expected this topic to go in and, as I said above, it does give me some things to re-think about. Thank you all for your input.

As you can see my friend, while this is a support site primarily for women dealing with menopause issues the "issues" affect everyone else around us. I think it is wonderful that you have found someplace to seek solace for such a tender issue. Just because we are women does not mean we won't protect those being wronged. You are being wronged. I urge you (would demand if I could) that you read the book codependent no more. It is an incredible book, will open your eyes to YOUR part in this situation (the enabler which actually feeds her self destructive mode) and best yet will teach you how to make it stop. Bounderies like said before can be an incredible thing. I used to be abusive to my husband (nothing serious...I would throw fruit but the worst was ALL the yelling and screaming and demeaning things I would say!) Royal bitch I was! It was 17 years into this marriage when he finally had enough. I was asked this: "do you realize that you are abusing me and I can put you in jail for this?" WOW! What an eye opener. It forced me to pull my reins back in and take stock my own issues and why and where they were coming from. I still to this day do not have all the answers but after reading Codendent no more I have some of them and they are powerful reasons I had no idea I was carrying around with me. I don't care who you are, you deserve at the very least to be loved, wanted and most of all PROTECTED by your loved one. How do you have peace in your life when the person who is supposed to be your upmost confidant in the world is your biggest enemy? That makes for a lonely life I'm sure. Please stay with this site. There is so much we have to offer you. These women can give comfort, reassurance and love like you would not believe and never ever think for one minute that ANYBODY including your wife is superior to you. In my book with what little I know YOU are by far the superior one if there is one. I know it's really hard to do but start with the word "NO" and use it on her. "NO" is the biggest boundery word you can set and it's incredible with it's results. Have a good day and keep talking, apparently you have some new friends!

you have a sick buy symbiotic relationship .. it is exactly like someone living with a drug addict ,, she will make you feel guilty like its all your fault ,, you are an enabler (I think this was mentioned before) she obviously had an abusive parent ,, my guess is father ,, its usually the oposite sex parent that does all the damage to the child although not necissairly. What would she do if you told her enough ,, you are leaveing and are done with her behaviour if she doesnt seek counsling,, dont live with someone your afraid of .. you go around walking on egg shells to please her .. that is not a life.. you need to be happy,, and unless you are happy taking abuse (which is another question all together) you need to get out of this or insist she seek help..

I would be labeled the BIGGEST fool around if I told you what my children and I endured with the man I was married too. I am totally ashamed, but we are OUT of it now and have been for a very long time. Point is: I completely understand what you are going through and how you have dealt with it. I know how it happens and how hard it is to get out. Let me just say one more thing for the timebeing: Life is much too short and you are much too valuable to allow anyone to mistreat you. As a friend of mine says, "We TEACH others how to treat us." Courtesty of Dr. Phil, I believe.

We TEACH others how to treat us!!

I agree TW BUT some people don't want out...they want better. It took me 19 years to finally get the man I wanted out of this marriage and I wouldn't change him for the world so I guess it is true...a leopard CAN change it's spots! But it took ME taking a stand, claiming I would no longer tolerate living this way and he chose to change. It's not hopeless just hard sometimes.

That is exactly right, but it takes TWO. One person CANNOT do it on their own and sometimes it takes a wakeup call. Every situation is different, I understand that and some people have to be empowered to put an end to the abuse, whether it be by staying and taking a stand or whatever you have to do. Change is very hard even if it's for the better, but until you KNOW you are in an abusive situation, there is not gonna be any change.

I was not suggesting that he or anyone else leave. I realize that's the way I came across. I was only suggesting that SOMEONE has to put a stop to the abuse and the abuser is usually not the one to do it.

I totally respect your commitment to your marriage, but 19 years is about a fourth of your life. It's a very long time.

And you did want OUT of the relationship you were in, you wanted a different one which is wanting out of the one you were in. You stayed and you were able to see the new relationship through fruition. It's all a personal choice, and this was the right thing for YOU to do as you have no regrets. We all have our own timelines, and our own deal breakers.

And I completely agree TW- we ABSOLUTELY teach people how to treat us.

I liked "new to this" 's color analogy of the situation, even though it was a little above my head, I got the gist of it. Kinda like the frog that you drop into a pot of water. He will jump out as fast as he was dropped in if the water is boiling. Put him in lukewarm water and SLOWLY turn up the heat and he will boil.

I wish you the very best "new," and a win win situation for you both.

Thank you for you words of support. Sorry if I got a bit to techie. What I was trying to say was that everybody can clearly see a difference between red and yellow as seen in the first two squares ...



... it is an obvious change in color. What I was trying to say was that if the change happens gradually, it becomes impossible to notice. For instances, if you look at the four red squares, you do not see any difference in the color but there IS a very slight difference but too slight to notice but when you take MANY of those SLIGHT changes, you do see the obvious difference between red and yellow. I may have lost you (and others) with the color example but I hope that I got you back with the boiling frog example.

What I was trying to say is that when the change happens gradually and slowly -- day to day or even week to week, you tend not to notice and you tend to accept it.

That is what happened. The change was slow and gradual. More and more minor things would set her off. At first it was just a stern voice. Then that stern voice got louder and stern'er to the point where it was yelling. Then a slap. Then a couple of slaps. Then a punch. Then several slaps & punches. Etc. From day to day, week to week, even month to month, the changes were not that noticeable just like one shade of red to the next is not noticeable but over time, things grew drasticly worse.

Yep. There even has been times when she would lose her temper over something that didn't even involve me and throw or smash something and then get angry at me because I didn't control her temper for her.


I don't understand what that means? She has a volcanic temper. I am doing all that I can to appease that temper so she doesn't rage out of control. Are you saying that I should not attempt to soothe her? Because if I don't, she'll explode. I don't see how having her trash our home and lash out at me is better than trying to calm the storm before it strikes.


This is true but I finally found a way to do that. These foot massages seem to calm that ungovernable temper. As I said earlier, it's been months since she last threw a tantrum. I thought that this was a good thing -- that I finally found a silver lining in the black storm cloud but it appears that feeling isn't shared by others here.

I need to re-think and re-read everything that is being said because it has me a bit confused. As I said, I am somewhat surprised by the comments because I thought that I was moving in a good direction.

Again, thank you all for your comments.

Might I suggest one of those electronic foot massage devices?

An ENABLER (you) who by their actions (yours) make it easier for an addict (and yes she is addicted to this anger because it IS a choice) to continue their self destructive behavior by criticizing or RESCUING (what you are doing to calm her down so there is no explosion).

A CODEPENDENT (both of you) is where one or both parties enable the other person to act in certain maladaptive ways. Many times the act of the ENABLER satisfies a need for the codependent persons because his or her actions foster a need from the other person in the relationship.

Confusing huh? In a nutshell, your wife is controlling you via her anger. It is not an "explosive" temper, it is a weapon she is controlling you and herself with. It IS something she could chose to control even if it means getting professional help to do it BUT she doesn't want to because she LIKES what she is inflicting on you. That's not love, that's control. So....what do you do? If you simply stop, she will become worse (and that's not good for you). If you continue, you are miserable and she is miserable and everybody around you is miserable. First of all you need to find a way to make her own up to her own responsibilities concerning controlling her anger and abusive issues. Might it take threatening to leave her? I don't know. I pray it doesn't go that far before she opens her eyes BUT do NOT make the mistake of setting bounderies and then allowing her to break them or she will OWN you because she will know it's a bluff and you will have to start all over. I would really really really recommend you start reading books on anger and codependency. You will have your eyes opened and be allowed to see clearly. You do not sound like you have a happy life my friend but it can be but you must take the steps to educate yourself on you situation in order to even begin the process of making a better life you your wife and yourself. Your not alone in this. We are here to help you through. So if you have questions ask away!

LMAO!

I was gonna say the same thing.

That's exactly what I would do, davinci. YOU do it yourself! I am not your slave. Slaverly was abolished HOW many years ago? Never should've happened in the first place.

Sounds just like a child to me. Throws a temper tantrum, gets what she wants, just learned that the temper tantrum WORKED............ and children will do

WHATEVER WORKS!!! You really think it's gonna get better? (I'm sorry, I forgot, you said it WAS better, now that you are pacifying her)

Why should it? You sound just like my dad, a very kind, caring man who would do anything for anybody. (btw, whom I love very much).

Would do just about anything to appease my mother. I never understood a lot of things when I was growing up. # 1 being, why he put up with

so much stuff from her. I don't even know how some people can live with themselves, the way they treat others.

Do you think it's alright to give a child whatever she wants whenever she throws a temper tantrum? I'm afraid she'll have you crawling a LOT for her.

I may sound harsh, but I lived that way myself for a very long time. Walked on broken glass day in and day out and my feet were very tender.

It's because I care.

Wow I agree she sounds like a spoiled brat, and I truly hope your not in an abuse relationship.