I do alot of thinking these days. One of the feelings I am dealing with is regret. Regret that I did not return to work throughout this whole perimeno process. My symptoms became so disabling that I could not work at all. I had my 4th child at 40 and soon after was thrown into the Peri nightmare hell. I also got a rare form of colitis that caused hellacious stomache cramps and severe diahrea, so leaving the house for a couple of years was not even an option then. However, I recovered from the colitis, Thank God, but the other symptoms were just as disabling. The panic attacks that not only hit me during the day all day but even at night. Then the nose dive into depression. I then noticed this PMS that was so bad that when I finally started my period, I had spent days in on this emotional roller coaster. Then came the heavy bleeding and cramps so bad I had to go to bed. After that, I was so spent, I could barely function. I feel like such a loser not working through this and now I look at other people who still work and envy/admire them that they have normal and healthy things to occupy their thoughts during the day. Not the crap that I have. Staying at home alone is not healthy. It is for me something that alienates me from normal life. I would love to go back to work but I don't trust these damn symptoms from one day to the next. Not to mention that I HAVE to take a nap every day!!!! If I had a choice of chosing a career, I would become a police officer. No kidding. Sad though, they would never take me at my age anyway. I just want to feel like I have achieved something. I have not. I am feeling worthless. I live with a guy that I call my fiance, we maintain separate rooms until marriage. I had to move in because I couldnt' make it on my pitance of disability. I had always worked before and owned my own home. Not anymore. When will I ever be able to trust myself again to return to work? I am wondering if this is why I am so unhappy. I am not independant anymore and it's very scary? I live in a pit of deep regrets.

Dear Debra
It is what it is but you still have options.What about a part time job or some volunteering with the less fortunate?All these will throw you back into being in contact socially and you will also find that you may be able to skip that nap.
So stop beating yourself up and yes have Trust in yourself
You know we do
Warm Wishes
Elizabeth

yes that pit is deep and wide and you will find alot of us next to you !!! ( normal )

Hi Elizabeth, I am in the process of moving so after the surgery and he move I am going to go back to working out of my home part time and yes I would love to volunteer. Right now, I help a friend who has leukemia and colon cancer when she has her treatments. She is only 33 and has 3 kids so it really sets me straight about getting out of the pitty party mode. I guess I just wanted this sense of acomplishment that I have been unable to achieve due to all the health issues. Excuses, I guess. One thing I can say is this: At least I am coming around to even thinking about going back to work! That has not happened for quite some time. Have a beautiful day today and hugs to you.........................Debra

Despite having my own business I have an interview set up for tomorrow for part time nursing. I have been a wreck since they called......but part of me needs to know I can do it again. Lets hope for the best....last two times I tried I quit within 3 months. Not good. Gonna try again......not so much for the money ...as nice as that will be....more so to prove to myself that I can still do it. Time will tell. In the meantime keep your chin up.......you are doing what you need to be doing right now. No regrets.

Hi Debra .. there are so many things you can do to help yourself feel useful ,, join the local Soroptomist ladies group .. volunteer at the local elementary school or library. .volunteer work will allow you to be able to go in and help when you are feeling well, and who knows it may lead to a paying job if you are feeling up to it .. call around and see where you can help out !! There are so many community service oppertunities ,, a good friend of mine and her son volunteer their time at a local air museum and they love it !

I feel the same way you do. I had to quit working in August of '07 because my panic attacks and sudden stomach problems were so debilitating. I tried to work through it all for two years, but couldn't do it anymore. The embarrassing moments were getting way too much for me. Now I miss working really bad. I feel like I don't have a reason to get up in the morning anymore. My symptoms are not as bad and a lot farther apart but I'm afraid that if I did go back to work, they would come cack with a vengence.

Sometimes work is a nice diversion. It keeps your mind occupied on something else. Too much time on my hands during meno is NOT a good thing for me I've noticed!

I understand how you feel Debra....I had my one and only daughter at age 40 and hit post baby depression then straight into peri...now menopause (I am 49 now)...my very worst issue is insomnia......it has improved of late, but I still cannot see myself working a decent job....fear of no sleep before having to go to work makes me have more anxiety!

Even volunteering seems an effort!

I do have my own small 'business'...if I can call it that.....but times are hard and I haven't done any work since January (I am an artist/muralist)....but it suits me to work when I have the energy.

I certainly lost 'ME' when I had my daughter.....my confidence went completely and I do indeed feel worthless most of the time....doesn't help that I have a husband who is barely here, and even when he is, he does nothing to boost my confidence..

One day I will rise again..I can feel it!!!...have faith in yourself and take small steps.

Caz

Caz,
I also went through post -pardum depression 18 years ago and was told that I would get depression back during meno. Well they were right!

Hi DebraD,
Sweetie, this is so hard, I totally understand. Something about menopause has really made the regrets swirl through my head constantly, too.... I should have done this or I should not have not that, etc.... on and on and on. Finally sometimes I just have to say to myself, enough is enough!! I was just not prepared for this debilitating time of meno. Thank the good Lord my husband and I run a home based business so if I am just not up to being in the office, I can let the answering machine get the calls and I return them later. I have always LOVED being independent like this having our own business, but now during meno it is a much different story--I am so lonesome here by myself during the day and wish to be w/ people. I agree w/ the poster above who said that being by oneself during meno is just not a good thing. Are you involved in anything that would get you out of the house? Believe me, you are not alone in this. Everyone on Power Surge seems to understand as they are going through it too.... hang in there!!! and so will I.

many hugs and support,
mood_swinger

I feel just like you do. Same reasons as the others. Its a vicious cycle. You start getting some control back over your life and symptoms and then you are afraid the the demands and stress of work will bring them back again. it took me several yrs just to get some control. Its not worth going through all that crap again for me but I also understand about getting out with ppl. I am thinking of volunteering at a private school and that will get me out with ppl on my terms.

I am 45 and going through that afraid-to-go-back-to-work stage as well. I was an advertising account executive, got my MBA, was a paralegal before that...the list goes on and on. I seem to have a severe need to rest throughout the day and the demands of an ad exec's work schedule just does not accommodate that. I am blessed and grateful to have a husband who does not mind whether or not I work, but I feel like a sluggard. Some days I am so tired that I get up and then in a couple of hours I am back down for at least 3-5 hours! Thankfully, my sons are grown and out of the house, but my peri phase seemed to have been kicked into overdrive after a miscarriage about five years ago.

In truth, I don't know what else to do. I don't want to damage my resume and work experience by starting and stopping jobs, so I just don't apply for jobs anymore. Do I feel guilty? Absolutely! I have college debts to repay, but just the overall feeling inside me that tells me people think I'm lazy is enough guilt.

Take care.

I am on leave from my job, its been about 2 1/2 months so far. I have okay days and less okay days. Today is a bad day for me, anxious and health focused. I started an AD and hoped it would help and it did very much with the anxiety and obsessive thinking, just upped the dose last week, maybe that's the reason for the anxiety. I am pretty much homebound unless there is an occasion that I feel I need to attend. I can't imagine going back to work yet, I feel off centered and unsure from day to day how I will feel, how I will sleep etc. I'm not at the point of feeling useless or guilty however I would like to feel better. I'm thinking I'm gonna be off until at least the beginning of the year. That seems far enough away to give me comfort, I don't know if I am fooling myself or not at this point. My work is just really hectic and busy and I feel like I may not be able to handle it. Actually, I take it back I do feel guilty, so many people don't have jobs and here I am doing what I'm doing. My husband has been really cool about it, but, right now I do get disability, so money is coming in, I don't know how long that goes on. I'm just really down right now, ended period today and I think my symptoms get worse after instead of before. I really don't want my AD to p00p out on me. I can't take the anxiety, I just can't. I hope that you start feeling better but regret is just pointless, what was, was, what is, is. You can't go back, you took care of yourself then, you'll take care of yourself now. All things in good time. Mich

a perspective from the other side...from one who is working while going through peri.

Its difficult, just plain difficult!!!!
Many say I'm lucky to be working while dealing with this, and I sit here and envy those of you who aren't.
My schedule and my particular job is stressing. I work for a printer, and they believe in running presses 24/7. I work 12 hr days for 2 days, then off for 2...it repeats somewhat like that. I have to keep work going to our plate area, and take care of any problems that come up with jobs which include making decisions of keep printing or pull the job. In these times, if you make a mistake or a wrong decision it will be held against you. I have made a mistake several months ago, and it has unnerved me so bad...as I now have something on my record, I have been at this place 22 yrs. My work record and attendance is outstanding, but that doesn't matter now.

Now, this year I have had to deal with anxiety attacks and have to walk away for a bit. I am very forgetful and can just zone out staring at the monitor and then totally forget what I was doing. My concentration s*cks!!! That scares me. I am quick tempered now, and I have very little patience for stupidity. I also find that I am WAY more outspoken now then I used to be, and I know this has to also be controlled or I will be a target for the next 'down sizing' which usually hits at the beginning of every year. I am 51 and cannot afford to lose my job...yet.

I am so tired of having to 'control' myself while at work. It is exhausting!!! I am on AD's. So the daily struggles of self and work are great.
So from the other side, I envy you who don't have to work!
Please take care of yourselves.

jes

I wish you could take time off work too, it sounds like you are going through what I went through. I became short tempered and unfocused. I had to remove myself from the work environment not only for myself but for my co workers I just wasn't pulling my weight in my opinion. I tried very hard to hang in there, but, between the fall I had there in October of last year and the aches and pains from that, then the ongoing anxiety and crying randomly I had to take a leave. It was hard to come to that decision, it really was. I get disability and my husband works and we have some savings. So far, so good. I am lucky I can do this and as I have said before who knows how long I can continue. I just can't be in a stressful environment right now. Maybe I am being a baby or weak willed, however, right now that thought is not compelling me to return to that environment quite yet. I still have anxiety even on the AD, so I still have some work to do in that area. The lower back is in major pain and my work requires a ton of typing plus I was the office manager. I know, I know I have become the dreaded "WHINER". What can I say, it is what it is. Be good to yourself however you can. The two days you have off pamper yourself, relax if you can. Let a few things go at home, cut yourself some slack where ever you can. Downtime is very important. Take care, Mich

Hi jes.

I know what you mean about deadlines, etc. when it comes to printing. I used to work for a magazine publishing/ad agency and we had deadlines all over the place! Then, we had to work with the Japanese nationals' deadlines to attract clients and those with purchasing power on their economy. Honestly, as you commented, part of me is happy to be out of that rat race while the other part of me contends with feelings of uselessness and laziness. I also know what you mean about temperance and impatience. Mostly because the industries we are in sort of go hand-in-hand, and short tempers have no place there. Deep down inside, I know that I just don't want the headache anymore because at this point in my life, there are some things I am unwilling to accommodate. Honestly, I can't say I would control myself at work because at this point in life, we seem to have earned some level of tolerance from others. Otherwise, we would be disrespected by industry/workplace peers when we know we know what we're talking about and to be doubted by someone just pushes my buttons!

There seems to be so much disrespect and disregard in the workplace that it's shameful. When I was about 41 my old boss retired and I got a new boss who told me that I was too old for my public relations position. He repeatedly told me that my subordinate, who was only 27 and only had 2 months experience in the industry, should have my job because she had 'the look' he wanted. Let me say that, without bragging or exaggerating, I now look all of 27 with makeup, and without makeup I look about 25. So I looked younger then than I do now and I still get carded! I wear makeup to try and look my age, but I think the numbers kind of threw him for a loop b/c he and I were around the same age; however, I had more education, more work experience, etc. He just happened to get the job b/c I did not apply for it. Internally though, I was distraught over what he kept saying to me in private, but externally, I fought back and tried to sue for age descrimination. It turned out that because he only told that to me without any witnesses I had no case. It was a horrible experience, to say the least, but I now understand how people who are discriminated against for age feel.

Having said all of that to say this... I just don't want to justify the age number, nor should I have to. I was interviewed for a newspaper job (account exec) and when the guy found out that both my sons were active-duty military, he sort of guessed at my age without overtly guessing at my age or the actual number. He just commented, "Aahhhh, you don't look like you have grown children. You look like a child yourself." I responded, "You're too kind," instead of responding with his anticipated "I am 43." Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

It's absolutely exhausting trying to control your emotions when you know they are valid. Just hang in there and sooner than later I'll probably be back out there with you trying to control mine . I go through them all! .

Take care.

I would like to work if only for the money.
I am 46 yrs old and I think in the beginning or middle of peri.
I have a few other health issues that really bother me (DVT, fibromyalgia and chronic Fatigue).
I am usually one to push through these but there are times I just have to flop down and give in.
I had a pretty good job for a number of years but then a health issue came up and they didn't stick with me.
like right now I worry about so much. I am worried because my husband has started to have a few minor health issues and then i have the fatigue that is constant.

I wanted to share, I left my job ater 22years with the same company. I was a national sales rep and the travel aspect got so over whelming I just could not handle it no more! I did not want to do nothing but I could not make a commitment for the regular push, push, push type of job .. No More! My issues with fear and anger alone keeps me from being able to function in that type of enviroment.

I started a small pet sitting business. I have always loved animals and thought that would be something I would enjoy. I have to say I do love it. I'm not going to get rich off by no means but I do make pretty good money when I'm working. With this business it's kinda seasonal. You have many more requests during vacation and summer time. I also have this company that I introduced my services to who do alot of govt contracting .. many of their employees have to travel. I take care of their pets while they are away. I normally don't see any people, I just see the cats or dogs lol which is perfect for me. I don't have to worry about what I wear or what I look like. Animals love us no matter as long as we are good to them.

I charge $18 - $20 per visit 30-40 minutes .. $25 for an hour. Dogs require two to three visits per day. I have built regular clients who have come to depend on my services when traveling. It's something that makes me feel good, I love seeing the pets and spending time with them. There is no investment to get started .. and the cost to operate is very little. The only complaint is when you confirm a job your committed. No matter what you feel like you have to go see these pets and take care of them. It has brought alot of joy to me, plus I've met some wonderful people. Everyone seems happy, the clients like having someone check on their home each day and the pets like staying at home instead of a kennel. They are much more happier at home.

If anyone is interested and would like to consider something like this .. send me a message. I can give you all the forms needed and so forth along with all the general info needed to get started. Pretty much no investment to get started. Winter is not a busy time for this business so it may be that would be a good time to start just to get a feel if this would be something you would enjoy. All that is required is a love for animals and a good heart!!

Vaylorie

wow--i was beginning to think i was a crazy person. i had to quit my job due to the extreem headaches, bleeding, anxiety, fatigue, and nerve pain that made it impossible to be on my feet all day. there was no way to just change my duties to make it more manageable, so i ended up feeling like a big ol' loser. it didn't help that my office manager reprimanded me about time loss after i had a tumor removed from my head. at the time i just hoped i wouldn't make it through the surgery.
how do people function with these types of symptoms? when do they let up?

I am very grateful that I have the work situation I do as it has allowed me some flexibility when the days are too hard to handle. I work four days a week and also have a lot of accrued vacation and sick days too so can usually take off if things get awful. Honestly, I think I would go nuts staying at home though because it is good to get my mind off this stuff some of the time. Heavy bleeding episodes are best tended to at home though - that's for sure! For those sitting on the fence or feeling guilty, I highly recommend a part-time or volunteer gig just to get your feet back in the water.

why dont you call around and see if there is somewhere you can volunteer that my not be dependant on you .. you know My eyes were opened when a good friend of mines son was expelled from school for fighting ,,, in order to get back in he had to do so many hours of community service .. this involved all kinds of things like cleaning a church (this would be great because you can talk to the loard right there about your anxiety) to volunteering at the local air museum .. no one held anything against him if he could not make it on a certain day !! give it a try !!

If I had a choice whether to work or not to work.......I would definitely choose NOT to work.

I would spend MUCH time with my kids and grandkids.

I would spend time with underpriviledged children.

I would take them to places they would never have an opportunity to go to otherwise.................

............if I didn't have to work!!

I am not working and I probably should be, but, I just can't right now, it's too much. I can only take one day at a time and work just doesn't fit into the equasion right now. I think it's awesome that you are in the frame of mind to spend time with family and volunteer, what a loving heart you have. I hope you win the lottery, go play it, lol. You deserve to do all those loving things you want to do. Take care, Mich

Is that a fact? I had a very severe post-partum depression following the birth of the third and final child 25 years ago; it was pretty long and bad but I came out of it on my own.

So, now, this !#@! perimenopause has me crippled with depression, anxiety, panic, agoraphobia, etc. Will this end in a year or does this last for many years? I cannot imagine living like this much longer.

I can relate to this although my job ended not by choice. Our center closed it's doors and we found out about it through an email. I along with 40 others worked for one of the main hospitals in Oregon. I was a transcriptionist as well as managing a medical records department and did all the work those TWO job descriptions required. We did get a severance pay in which Uncle Sam took 50%. Also, unemployment, but that will not last much longer. The main hospital told us we had two years to retain out seniority if we were hired by them. Many have applied for the listed jobs but none of them got them. Our boss even applied for a filing clerk position but didn't get it. Ex-employees have priority over people "off the streets." NOT! I still, to this day, maintain it was age discrimination. Average age of my co-workers was 59. We all had health insurance and made decent hourly wages, some paid monthly. But...we were becoming a liability. Instead of getting rid of a department (they suggested with mine), they shut the place down. Our head honcho didn't even show up the last month - he reminds me of a "captain of a ship" who will go ahead of the passengers to save himself. He did. He got a job at the hospital and perhaps "what goes around will come around." He needs to know what it feels like to be singled out "being too old" though they will deny it. And now, burden of proof for age discrimination, rests solely on the individual who wants to pursue it. Few ex-coworkers against a huge supposedly "non-profit" organization? Give me a break. I hope their ER is swamped with non-paying patients, mental health, alcohol and drug dependent individuals as well as individuals with flu like symptoms. As my boss said..."We are being black balled." The only ones who were able to get a transfer to the main hospital were younger coworkers.

What is sad - in this economy we are competing with younger people. We offer excellent work ethics, loyalty (though severely tested) and in my case 100 words a minute on the keyboard as well as knowledge of medical records protocol. Being offered now is part time jobs (I will take that, thank you), no insurance or under insurance and cut hourly wages. I volunteer as a CASA and have done so for the past 10 years. Yes...I network but unfortunately my network "lines" are not hiring. The economy and I thoroughly understand that. I would even take 1/2 my hourly wage which is below Oregon's minimum wage.

Oh well - back to checking the "anemic" classifieds, Craig's list and Indeed.com

Thanks for "listening." Sybille p.s. Being alone during the day really is not healthy - too much time to dwell on womanly symptoms.

I was really sorry to hear about your center closing and everyone losing their jobs. That must be horrible. I have not been through that (except to get laid off after being with a company for 14 years back in 1994), but I wondered if contacting the ACLU would help. They take on things like this, and I don't think they charge you. Sure sounds like age descrimination to me.

Hang in there. The best revenge is to find a better job.

WriterMom