Hi Everyone,

A funny, devastating story.......you know when you have those moments in time when everything is startlingly and frighteningly crystal clear? I had one last night. I realised that I had become all that I find detestable in people(keep in mind that I am a raving misanthropic even without the stupid hormones!). I have always been a pretty laid back person, respecting peoples opinions, not judging, remembering that we all come from different stock and are influenced by our environment and upbringing, that our value systems reflect this and should never be "put down". I came to the decision that I am more comfortable with having less to do with humanity as a whole, a couple of years ago. I am happy with my decision. It does not change the love I have for the limited amount of people in my life and my intense fascination with Sir David Attenborough, my favourite naturalist and mentor. It also does not stop me from contributing to the "greater good" from time to time but that is not based necessarily on altruism, more on my anger at the misplaced injustice on the "underdog". I hate unfairness and unnecessary suffering......It really gets my goat.

I digress......back to my epiphany. Since this peri business, I have found it increasingly difficult to "remain silent". Insults fly out of my mouth, unbidden. My opinions burn on the end of my tongue just waiting for some innocent, unsuspecting visitor. I rave about social injustice constantly and berate my son when he does not display a constant social conscience (he is 14, God, give the kid a break!). I have become the opinionated, bigoted, judgmental human being that I always vowed I would never be. I have always prided myself on the fact that I always allow spiritual freedom and freedom of speech. Now I am launching down peoples throats at frightening speed. What am I afraid of, the "lack" of what I think I have become? The dark, needy feeling of being heard? The fact that my value system is all I feel I have left? What is this paradox that I am experiencing?

My girlfriend visited last night with her husband.......my girlfriend loves me for just who I am, even if I have to ring her after every visit to apologise for any offence or anxiety I might have caused. She just laughs and says "Your funny, Michah. Its all good". Her poor husband has always liked me but has not spent time with me in a long while.......somehow we got onto the topic of the way children speak and the use of nicknames for anatomy, specifically private parts. Remember, I am usually diplomatic!! I said "Never speak to a child like they are stupid.....my son was never allowed to use words like "pee pee" or "hoo hoo" or whatever......it is penis and vagina!!! Then I started raving about the abuse of the English language and that I find it painfully intolerable that everything is abbreviated, ba$%^rdised, ripped apart by my sons generation.......my God it was like the world was caving in!!! My poor friends husband while my partner looks on in mild pity and understanding. What happened to me? Who am i to say how to speak to your children?

My other poor girlfriend whom I am "surrogate" aunty to her daughter, got in "trouble" the other day from me for saying "Ta" to her 1 year old instead of "thank you". I said "Why are you speaking down to her? She must learn the correct word!" I promptly burst into tears at my insolence and rudeness and profusely apologised. Thank God she knows that I am usually more "loving" and that my intentions are good. But how much can people put up with before I am called a complete wa^&er and told to nick off?

This morning my partner, whom I love dearly, got angry with me for not waking him up at 0630. I said acerbically, "what, am I your stupid alarm clock? Aren't you an adult and can perform the necessary task of turning the alarm clock on yourself? get with the program!" Click of the fingers, scowl on the face, what a WONDERFUL way to start the day.

What has happened to me? Why am I so bitter? Am I so spiritually fatigued from years of trauma and fighting that I have lost my ability to be fair, to allow for peoples foibles and idiosyncrasies? Where are my Taoist Proverbs........must remain peaceful and accepting or else someone is likely to smother me in my sleep and bury me in the back yard in deperation and preservation.......God, save me.

Thanks for indulging me.....

Dear Michah,

Please don't beat up on yourself so much. Chalk it up to the unpleasantness of Peri and that you will eventually get back to what you were. Keep open communication going with those you love. And, hopefully they will understand this trying time in your life. Regards, JZZ

Thanks JZZ, I will keep that in mind.......your statement is the only thing that gets me through this minefield.......thank God I am not working.......I would not have a job for long!! I am having a silent evil laugh at my rantings now in the light of day......however I am sure my mate and I will have a laugh later at the reaction of her husband!! She has a pretty morbid sense of humour.....

Cheers,

Michah

Michah, My ovaries shut down abruptly, due to a medication error while in the hospital, and I was thrown into Peri in a most horrible way. I remember feeling like someone had taken the J out of JZZ. I felt MEAN!!!! Although I'm not a "goody two shoes" lol I am usually a very caring person and choose my words carefully. And, care for those around me. Boy, was it ever rough for the longest time!! At times it was just easier to not be around anyone. Now things are much better. You are still you! Don't get discouraged by this Peri whirlwind!! We will get thru peri and be back to more of ourselves. My own feeling is that if we didn't start out mean, we won't end up mean and cranky. lol Hang in there kiddo and DO NOT beat up on yourself. Regards, JZZ

Thanks JZZ, glad you kept the J!! I rang my friend and we had a good laugh about it.......if she had been on her own I wouldn't have thought twice about it......but her husband, I wasn't so sure. But he is cool....apparently he never said anything!! I am glad it is easier for you......very traumatic that you had it lumped on you so suddenly.......you are a brave woman!!!

Thanks for the kindness......

Glad that you were able to have a laugh with you friend. Keep trying to find those moments. Regards, JZZ

Hi Micah:

I really get where you are coming from with the flying off into space over things. I used to be a peacemaker unless really pushed but now, NO WAY. When I am in a "mood", I am just waiting for someone to say one thing off and I am all over them like a second skin. The sad part about it all is that while I am like that, I am enjoying every minute of it. But later, feel bad, only if it is family or close friends though. Out in public with people I do not know or will not see again, I am a terror from hell!!!

So remember not to be to hard on yourself because you are not alone. It will get better.

Hugs to you,
Jeaninne

Dear 'Michah
It is called Spirit,my friend!It does seem to happen around the time of Menopausal madness.
However,I have noticed when you reply to Posts you are compassionate and understanding.
Have you ever thought of giving Yoga a try?It is very grounding and has a calming effect.Besides which flexibility and firming of the muscles is an added benefit.

Not going to bury you in the back yard!Haven't the energy to smother you and then drag you off .Never mind work up the sweat to cover you in earth!

As we mature we do become better at voicing our annoyances but there is a thin line between that and hurting others un-necessarily.so if you feel you have over re-acted to anyone an apology is always appreciated.

Try reading Grumpy Old Woman by Judith Holder.A good laugh and kind of puts things into perspective

Don't beat yourself up
All the Best
Elizabeth

Thanks Elizabeth.......yes spirit sounds good......I can live with that! I have tried yoga, but I have big issues with ears(bilateral vestibulopathy) so my balance is shocking. If I move REALLY slowly it is easier but hard to hold a pose. Eventually I should be able to return to it. My dr recommended swimming because I cannot fall over in a pool.......I have to be able to leave the house and survive the motion sickness in the car, tolerate the bright fluorescent lights of the indoor pool and have the strength to swim a lap. Excuses, excuses, but that is kind of how it is at the moment.

Yes, apologies abound......I shall get that book. we had a show over here called Grumpy Old Women on the ABC. Fantastic show. The problem is that I look too young to get away with it!!!

Thanks for your support.......