I want to say at the outset of this post that if anything happened to my brother (19 months younger than me), it would devastate me.

BUT!...

He is without a doubt the most arrogant, self-centered, dominating and condescending person I have ever known. He and I have had a love/hate relationship our whole lives. We are as different as two people can be who grew up in the same house. Now I have the misfortune -- due to dire financial problems -- of both having to work FOR him (yes, he's my boss) and live WITH him (his machine shop is too far from my regular home -- the job is 78 miles one way from my house).

At work he stays angry and sour all the time -- can't imagine how anyone can stand to work for him. I knew the dynamics of our relationship would be different at work. He said he wouldn't treat me any different than the other employees, and I was fine with that. But that has turned out to mean that he nitpicks and complains about the slightest flaw in my work, does not allow me ANY opportunity to state my case when there is an work issue, and basically expects me to kiss his butt the whole day. He even complains when people go to the bathroom. He expects everyone to have their daily BM before work so it doesn't interfere with their work day. And he's one of those people who will stare you down to intimidate you into submission. I've even tried to lighten the mood by joking with me, but I just get cold stares from him, as if to say "I'm the boss. Show some respect."

At home, he treats me like I'm one of his kids. Sternly reprimands me for silly things like not coming to dinner when called or washing clothes too late at night. He jumped on me the other night because he feels I spend too much time on the computer. He has complete control of the remote control and no one is allowed to speak while he is watching TV...which is about 5 different programs at one time. You just get a feel for one show and he changes the channel. Doesn't matter if it's something you want to watch. If he doesn't want to watch it, it doesn't get watched.

Sorry to be ranting here, but I wanted to make sure that I'm not just crazy and that there really is a problem here. I plan to quit and get a job closer to home...but. With the economy what it is, there ARE NO job closer to home at the moment. He threatened to fire me with

Oops! Typing this on the bed. Sat the PC down for a minute and the dog jumped on the bed and accidently sent the topic before I was ready....

To continue --

He threatened to fire me yesterday because he said I was arguing with him and not following direction properly. How do I handle this in the meantime? Keep my mouth shut and stay in my office and/or room? Punch him in the head? -- that used to work when we were kids. Not really looking for advice, but if anybody has been through the same situation and know what to do, have at it. He and I don't have the best of relationships, but I do care about him and would rather have him as a brother than as a boss. If he ends up firing me, especially over something I feel is stupid or nitpicky, I may lose him as both boss and brother.

Sorry u r having a hard time. I can relate to loved ones driving u nuts. I love my children, but sometimes I just want to do a Rambo on em, lol.

Hi Webalina: It's no fun having to deal with a controlling family member. I'm sorry to hear you are going through such tough times. Unfortunately, I don't have any stellar advice to offer. You've already said that you plan to look for another job so you can get out from under his thumb, and I think that's the best thing you can do for yourself. If he is an older brother, he probably grew up not thinking of you as an equal, and now that has extended into adulthood because of the authority he has in the workplace. I think he probably cares for you more than he shows outwardly, because he has taken steps to try and help you, which is definitely more than some siblings would do! It may be that he's not the kind of person who can be emotionally demonstrative, especially if he himself has never felt vulnerable -- or perhaps he does feel vulnerable and think the only way to combat it is by being stoic all the time. Anyway, if it is possible to reshape him into a more warm and fuzzy person, that will probably have to wait until you are on your own feet again and he sees you as an independent person. Hang in there Webalina; things are bound to turn around for you in the near future.

I wonder if your brother has BPD (boaderline personality disorder)?

....they are not BAD people, but very controling, self-centered and everything is THEY....my SIL has it and it sounds similar....it is hard to deal with, but once you know WHAT you are dealing with it makes it a BIT EASIER in your life, and that knowledge allows you to be able to take a step back....look it up...perhaps he is a mild case....Joan

I vote for punching him in the head.

Does he treat others the same? What about his wife? How does she treat you? It would be hard to be 78 miles from home and feel unwanted. I pray you find something closer to home soon.

I'd get out of there a fast as I could. Try and get yourself another job ASAP. No one should have to live like this.

Maybe if EVERYONE walks out, he will get the message, but probably NOT, since it's ALL about HIM!!!

Try slipping him a chill pill. I'M JUST KIDDING, but it sure sounds like he needs one before he sets himself up (and everyone else around him) for a heart attack!!!

I say FLEE as fast as you can and don't look back! Your health is much more important than this!

I know it's not easy. I was forced to do the same thing just recently.

Wow, that would be hard. I think your brother is a big bully who loves his sister. I'd tell him to chill out and if he even thinks about firing you you'll never speak to him again!

Have you told him to his face that the way he treats you is demeaning, disrespectful and downright pathetic? I'm sorry I would get in his face and fast. You are a grown woman and should be treated as such. I vote for punch him in the head but do it at home! Stand up for yourself and your rights. As an employee he has no right to treat you this way. Would you accept this from any other job?

No job is worth that kind of abuse!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

You want me to come beat him up for you??

This is one thing I cannot stand................a big, fat BULLY!!!!

I know he's your brother but this is sounding very much like an abusive relationship. I wouldn't live that way for one minute longer! Is there anyone else in your family who can set him straight? Please don't allow him to continue to treat you this way. You're better than that, and until you stand up to him, this crap will go on. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's hard for me understand. I mean, he's your BROTHER, for God's sake! Big brothers are suppossed to PROTECT their little sisters. I have a big brother and he would give me the moon if I asked. He should be ashamed!

Hmmm...three votes for punching my brother in the head. We may be on to something here....

Seriously, though....everything you all said was correct. He IS a bully. And this is something that didn't just happen. He's been like this all his life. He used to beat me up when we were kids...until I started fighting back. He throws 15 kinds of fits if anyone disagrees with him or questions his opinion. It's a good thing he's not a doctor. The first time a patient wanted a second opinion, he's probably drop them from his patient roster.

He has always been easily irritated too, which has caused no end of arguments. You can't eat anything around him that makes noise -- apples, potato chips, etc. He'll stare at you until you finish eating whatever it is. I was on my laptop in the living room the other night, and the "ticking" of the keys was getting on his nerves. You try to have a conversation with him, and he never even looks at you. Just sits there with his eyes glued to the TV, twirling a lock of his hair (a nervous tic he's had since he was a baby). If you're riding in the car with him, don't start singing to the radio. He will turn the radio off and say "We can listen to the radio or to you. We're not listening to both." When his kids were younger, they weren't allowed to speak while riding in the car. The chatter got on his nerves. And he's told me several times that the sound of my voice is annoying to him. And as far as he's concerned, he had no past. He doesn't reminisce, and doesn't like it when you bring up things from his past...even good things. When he gets mad, he says mean hurful things, like threatening to keep my mother from seeing her grandson and teling me that he knows I've always wanted to see him fail.

Another thing is his need to be the center of attention. Wherever he is he will do something to draw eyes to himself. Even at his own daughter's baby shower! It doesn't help things that he's (so I hear) handsome. Kinda looks like a cross between Richard Gere and Harrison Ford. And he has always had this charisma that draws people to him whenever he walks in a room. As a matter of fact, if any of you ladies were to meet him, you'd probably like him. He's charming to everybody but his family. My grandmother says that he's just the next of a long line of men in that family like that. My dad is the same way, and my grandma says that his dad was like that AND his dad before him. And now my nephew is carrying on that arrogant tradition.

I'm going to check into the Borderline Personality Disorder stuff. My family is FULL of people with diagnosed mental health issues. I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find out that he had something as well. And as far as physical health is concerned, his blood pressure was through the roof (177/106) the other day because he lets so much stuff get to him. He's on BP meds now. Dr gave him some Xanax and Prozac too, but he refuses to take it.

The worst part of all this is that he's completely delusional. He truly believes that everyone else is in the wrong. His hearing is better, his memory is better, his comprehensive is better, his tastes are better. I tell you...I wish I had gotten some of his self-esteem. He's said that his only flaw is that he's too modest.

Sorry to rant on and on again. This was meant to thank you ladies for your support. There are a couple of job opportunities coming my way that may help this situation to resolve itself. Hopefully anyway...

Web,

I totally agree with everything Texasgirl had to say. You do not deserve to be treated this way.............ESPECIALLY by your big brother!!!

Yes, his BIGGEST flaw is his TOTAL arrogance and NO ONE can be around someone like that for very long.

Besides.............bullies are usually bullies because they have NO self esteem and NO esteem for others either!!

He has to build himself up by tearing others down!

I lived with someone like that and I know what it did to me.

I'm just worried about you.

I know you are a big girl and you can take care of yourself and truthfully.............YOU are the only one who is going to do it cause he sure ain't!

Sorry for ranting, but this is how I feel about someone who mistreats others............GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Sorry I went off the deep end on this. Didn't mean to set off a firestorm. I appreciate all the concern. His attitudes have hurt my self-esteem, just my dad's did before him. I've wondered before if the reason my brother is the way he is -- despite what he says -- is that he DOESN'T have the self-esteem he projects. I'd love for him to get some therapy, but he would never agree to that. That would imply that he had some kind of problem, and he would never allow that.

Thanks again for the support. I have been going through a really hard time (financially and emotionally) all through the 2000s after a stellar life in the 90s. But things are slowly improving, and hopefully I can get out from under my brother's thumb soon.

Oh and for the record, he's my YOUNGER brother, not older. And he has always resented that. He says that the boy should always be older than the girl. It used to tee him off to no end when people referred to us as "Cindy and Kevin" rather than "Kevin and Cindy". Maybe that's where his whole problem stems from -- he resents that I'm older so he's finding ways to assert his authority over me. Crazy.

THANKS AGAIN! You girls are the BEST!!!

another vote for the head punch!

He actually sounds like a very insecure person...that's how one behaves by bullying others to make themselves feel better about themselves. I'm sure it's more complicated that that but it certainly is part of it. I hope his employees do walk, especially you. I vote for a head punch too!!!!

Webalina,

I have 6 brothers; 5 older, one younger, and grew up in a house full of arrogant, self-important, women-hating, ego inflated, testosterone filled blow-hards so I can FEEL your pain sister.....

Needless to say, all but 2 of them suffer severe deficiency in social relationships as adults, (no friends, failed marriages, substance abuse to beat the band and un- or under-employed/tied to mommy's apron strings ) especially with women (my guess is a result of a weak father and an over-bearing mother) so throw in a strong-willed sister and you can imagine how underdeveloped my connections are to them...I was not cut from the same cloth as them at all and I count it as a life-affirming blessing ...

Younger brother was the most arrogant (and he's one of the two that made it out somewhat intact, psychologically speaking) and would tell my husband if I was having a disagreement with him about something trivial , "Why don't you punch her in the head...."

That all said, (WOW, does my family sound like a dysfunctin junction or what LOL) your relationship doesn't sound nearly as bad but suffice it to say, sometimes we tolerate treatment becasue of the "but we're family" syndrome when a lot of the time, they treat us like garbage

Stepping away as I did gave me a new perspective on how unhealthy it was and maybe in youyr situation, it would give your brother a wake-up call.....he sounds like he has a bit more on the ball than my motley crew.....

Good Luck!

Momz

GOD! I can't imagine growing up with FIVE like this! Maybe things aren't so bad after all. Part of my brother's problem is that we never stood up to him. He was a supreme backtalker to Mom as well as the things he did to me. But it was easier to give him his way than to fight with him. And we had an issue with the weak father, also. I love my dad, but he never amounted to much -- philanderer, job hopper, child support deadbeat, now on disability due to severe Rheumatoid Arthritis -- so he hasn't been a positive influence.

The good news is that my brother has been acting a little more like a human the last couple of days -- since the day he threatened to fire me as a matter of fact (maybe he feels bad about it now). He and I today discussed that it might be better if I didn't continue to live here in his house. Not in a hateful way, but more as a space and privacy issue (it's a small place) and I agreed with him. He even has volunteered to maybe pay the difference in gas it will cost to drive back and forth from my home to the job. So things may be working out for the best after all. Thanks again to you ladies for supporting me on this. Didn't mean to rant, but I feel better about things now. Thank god for Power Surge.

I agree with the punch in the head too!! Get out of that job as fast as you can and away from your brother! It's your sanity and peace of mind which is most important Webalina. Your brother sounds like he has issues not you.
My brother had a bit to say 2 Christmases ago and now he has isolated himself from me our sister, my niece and my 2 DD's. He and his wife were moving away from the family so he thought I may as well EMAIL everyone the issues I have, little did he realize it would blow up in his face! Notice I said email...he didn't even have the b@#ls to phone!! Some people just think they can do and say what they please without any consequences.

Cheers choco

I have to say I am rather shocked at the "head punch " thing....I am not a doctor but a person living with a loved one with BPD....Boarderline Personality Disorder...He seems to have a lot of indications for this disorder....It is a VERY difficult disorder...for the person who has it, their "world" is scary indeed...they feel everyone is against them, and they never believe that they need help...that is why it is so hard to get them to get help.......it is an illness....and for the people who are around this person, it is just as difficult...to love, yet accept....many famous and SUCCESSFUL people past and present....Founder of Mars (the candy) comes to mind and many more...do research this illness, it will help you understand and maybe cope a bit better...there are many support groups for those who have loved ones suffereing from this....Joan

PS> this of course is not to say that you should stay in your job, for your own preservation, especially if he is BPD, it is probably better to distance yourself from him....I say this with love, seriously, this is a rough disorder......

The "head punch thing" was a bad joke, as that's the way we dealt with things as children.

As for BPD, I'll check into it. Like I mentioned before (I think -- my memory stinks these days), there is much mental illness in my family on the maternal side. But at the same time, there are many male members on the paternal side who act just like my brother. So who'd to say...mental illness or or just typical male behavior for this family? Thanks for the advice though.

Yes I only meant "punch in the head" as really saying, he needs to be shaken and made to wake up as to how he is treating Webalina.....not to really punch him in the head!

Webalina, I've been following this thread and my question would be, how upsetting is all of this for you? That may sound like a ridiculous question; of course it's VERY upsetting, but there are some people who could still put up with all of this temporarily and it wouldn't get to them as much as to others. Somehow in your posts I sense that you are observing him but you're removed emotionally, which is good--it may be the only way you can survive this. I would never think you should stay in this situation if you don't have to, but if it's the best choice right now and the other alternatives would be to have a long commute every day or be without a home or a job, then maybe you have the emotional armor to stand this until you can make other arrangements. I do think, though, that as soon as you can get away, you should. It doesn't mean you won't see him at holidays or whatever, but this situation is toxic and even someone as strong as you are will eventually succumb.

I'm estranged from my brother, which is why this thread was of interest to me. My brother is 3-1/2 years younger than I am. We were close friends as kids; had all kinds of secret code words and games and I'd tell him stories and I babysat him when my parents went out. We were together every day. Something happened to him when he got into his twenties. He moved to another state and cut all ties with the family. He still communicates with my elderly parents occasionally by phone, as a duty, but I have been unable to stay in touch with him. I'd write and call, but he was always cold and disinterested. I've had situations in my life over the years when I really needed a sibling to talk to; I longed for a brother who was caring and who would listen and help me instead of shrugging and telling me it was my problem and I brought it on myself. I never felt comfortable calling him and would never have asked his advice because he would tell me I was bothering him and hang up. I have no other brothers or sisters and I really missed having that unique relationship one can only have with a sibling. I can imagine that if I had to work for him, as you do with your brother, that my brother would be very similar to yours. Except that it just devastated me emotionally and still does; for years I blamed myself for not being good enough or smart enough or having a better job. Now as I've gotten older, I realize there is something wrong with him; maybe it's that Borderline Personality Disorder; who knows. I do not have anything to do with him anymore because it's just too upsetting to be treated like that. It's my choice to live my life and forget about him. Thank goodness he is in another state and I never see him. But I realize you can't do that, at least not for a while. Good luck; I know how you feel when your brother is a jerk.

You're right. I have kinda distanced myself, although living and working with him has brought me back closer to the problems. Mom and I (he treats her with similar disdain) have talked for hours about him. We have just decided that he's just like that and to not let it get to us. The only reason I posted this to begin with was just venting. I was terribly TERRIBLY mad at him and needed to get it out. Mostly I just shut him out. Mom tries too as well, but being her little boy acting like that really hurts her. And either he doesn't see what he's doing or he doesn't care.

I get what you mean about phone calls. I rarely called him when we lived apart because the conversation was so one-sided. He almost never had anything to say to me...still doesn't. I try to start conversations with him and 9 times out of 10, he just ignores me. But just let him go off on one of his political tirades and everybody better listen to him and agree. That's easier than it used to be. We used to be on complete opposite ends of the political spectrum, but he's floated over to my side ever so slowly.

Something I hate about the whole thing -- besides not having a brother I can count on -- is that there are times he's a really good guy. But most of the time he's just what you said...a jerk.

i have no doubt, g/f, that you could pull a Rambo on 'em. jimminey crickets!!! you've been torturing that poor cat of yours since i met you a year ago.

Sounds like my husband

.......one word.........NARCISSISM .... it is ALSO a personality disorder ... yes, it also could be BPD...but read into narcissism too .... my husb. is like this, not half as bad as what you guys have mentioned, but bad enough, and i won't stand for it ! IT is definatley a love/hate relationship, which stinks. But, having said that........ I spent many years dealing with this, until I found out what was the matter .... when you said....HE NEVER THINKS IT'S HIM, IT'S ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE...BINGO....READ ABOUT NARCISSISM....what's bad is, it gets worse as they get older, and since they will NEVER admit it's them....they will NEVER seek help! It's all about them!!!!! I had to emotionally detach from him, it was like greiving, like a "death", but I had to....and I'm glad I did.....yes, it's sad, but, you have to survive emotionally, and those kind of people, **** the life, and any kind of optimism, right out of you! Look into narcissism...seriously!

Big Hugs.....i know how this is too!

Thanks. I'll look into this. The way I understand the meaning of the world "narcissism", it already fits him. I just never knew it was an actual disorder. Thanks for the heads-up.

Some good news in an update: I've moved out of of my brother's house, and gotten another job elsewhere. Not a great job -- convenience store -- but in this economy, it's better than nothing. My brother and I are getting along better because we're not in each other's faces all day. He calls every few days to see how I'm doing and lets me know what's going on with him. So things are definitely improving. Thanks ladies for helping me get all this out of my system. (((PS sisters)))