I'm short of breath, my chest hurts and I can't think straight. My husband told me this morning that he's had an affair. We've been married for over 30 years and have three grown children and I just can't wrap my head around this. My heart is broken and I feel like my world has been destroyed. We've had our problems over the years but it honestly never occurred to me that he would ever do something like this. Worse yet, she has informed him that she has herpes and now I have to get tested because I've been exposed multiple times. I'm at work and trying to hold myself together but I can't think of anything but how hurt and betrayed I feel. I am so afraid of what the future holds .... I need some reassurance from someone that I won't die from this broken heart. I am devastated please someone help me get through this day

Jan, my heart breaks for you. How utterly sad and unjust for you. You will get through this as hard as it might be to believe that right now you'll be okay, though your heart is broken it will heal. I'm so sorry.
Sending my hugs to you.

Jalyn

why did he tell you, because of the herpes ? because he wants to leave ? because he feels guilt and wants to save the marridge ? You are definately in shock right now. Do you have an understanding boss ? can you take off some time and stay with a friend ?

Oh Thank you Jalyn! I knew someone would respond and "wrap her arms around me". I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through the day but have an appt. with my NP this afternoon for a check up and to pickup a lab referral for all the various tests that I need to have done. I just don't know how to put into words the pain I am feeling but it helps to know that there are the PS Ladies out there who will understand it.

I hope you can get some great hugs after you leave work... go to your family and friends and lean on them. Hugs are always here for you too !!

(((((HUGS)))) Jan!

I am so sorry this has happened. The first thing you need to focus on is to get tested for possible exposure to STDs. Can you confide in a close friend or your doctor? Maybe your friend can go with you? First thing to remember is this is NOT your fault. It's unforgiveable that your hubby has done such a stupid thing - I really feel for you and I wish I was there to give you some support.

Keep posting, we are all here for you to give you moral support.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Can you leave work and go to a friend's to cry it out and talk? Is he currently in the affair or is it something that was already ended? Is he wanting to save your marriage? You said your heart is breaking so you must have still been in love with your husband.... if that is so then try to turn your anguish into action and try to get immediate counseling for the two of you. An affair does not need to be the end of a marriage or your love for each other. If you both still love each other, the affair can be overcome with counseling. I will pray for you...

Hugs,
Happymom

Jan, you will be o.k, right now things are hurting you so bad but it will pass and you will be o.k in whatever the outcome will be. Sending you a BIG HUG Rosanne

Jan I went through this personaly in October of last year, so I know how you feel.I want you to know that it IS NOT YOUR FAULT and my faith is the only thing that has carried me through.You can message me if you like and we cant talk.I am praying for you girl.

Jan -

Honey - My heart bleeds for you......
I'm so sorry and I know there are no words to say that will life the fog of shock.
Hang in there best you can today or ask to go home if you need to.
Be careful driving, you are in shock.

Evening Primrose, a very smart and compassionate woman, is so right.
No matter what on Earth the future holds, you will need to set up an appointment
to be tested. It's horrible to think about, and makes it "real" faster than you'd have a chance to process any of this.
But having seen this a few times with friends - you just need to hit a GYN ( another one if you
are not prepared to talk to your regular one) and find out what you need to do.
If you can - a counselor is important too. See if you can ask for help - have a friend or anyone at all
make an appt for you so you have one less time you need to talk about it just yet.

You do need to put your safety first. I hope you can ask for a little time off to process some of this at least a little.

And Jan - we are here for you and sending you hugs and all our strongest prayers for you to get through
this. There are so many lovely and helpful good souls here. I'm so sorry for your hurt, it must be unbearable.
Hang in there, and

Keep talking about it - and let us know how you are.
We are here for you. <3

MaryBeth

More (hugs) and prayers.

I am so sorry you're going through this. ((((((hugs))))))


I know it hurts like hell right now. But. you will live through this and will come out stronger for it.


Most of all, take care of your health.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Jan... You don't have to do ANTHING right now. Just breathe girl... You don't have to make any big decisions at all right now. You need time to absorb all this, and time to decide what it is YOU want.

You feel like a big wave just hit you, and everything you know is being taken away. You need TIME. Now is not the time to decide the rest of your life.

((((((Hugs)))))))

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry. It is so unfair and so unjust and such a selfish, selfish thing for him to do. I know it may seem like the pain will never go away but I'm here to tell you that I lived through it and survived and so did my marriage. As others have said, you just need to focus on taking care of you right now, one day at a time. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Carol

Jan, big hugs coming your way. All the advice the other ladies have given are great. Can you share this with your NP, afterall your emotional state greatly affects your physical state. You will get through all this. I am just so sorry that on top of per/meno upheaval this is added on.

Be good to yourself ...do some pampering (manicure, pedicure, etc.) to help make you feel better.

All the best,
Plumeria

I MEAN WE CAN TALK !! gezzz fat fingers sorry..

Jan,
I'm so sorry.....I know this threat lurks in a lot of our heads at this age and to live through it has to be mind numbing...May you find the way and let us all help you. I think venting through here and getting support from those who have dealt with it will be so beneficial......

God Bless and first and foremost take care of your physical health and your emotional health

Hugs,
Momz

I am so very sorry he did this to you. My exhusband cheated on me and that's part of why I divorced him. Please go to a gyn or even a Planned Parenthood to be tested for all std's. No one will judge you and are there to help. Planned parenthood typically has some quasi-type health counselors there to help at the time of visit. My thoughts are with you. Regards, JZZ Focus on your health first and then your husband and other issues.

I too am sending you hugs. It is important for you to treat yourself with alot of love and care right now. Say to yourself "the moments as they present themselves to me are sufficient" just focus on right now...it's the best way to cope with your feelings of despair and anxiety. Keep reminding yourself to breathe. Put little post-it notes around your house in certain places to help you to remember to take deep cleansing breaths. You have a right to your feelings. Don't let him take that away from you. It will take as long as it takes too for you to come to terms with this situation. Some people take longer than others...only time will heal.

Eventuually you will hopefully find that the best way to heal (a long time from now though to be sure) is through forgiveness. I love this quote: forgiveness is like the fragrance that is left behind by the violet on the heal that crushes it (Mark Twain).

Take heart that many marriages can survive this...and often become better too!

Bless you,
Suzanne

I am so sorry (((Jan)))

you will get threw this and be a stronger woman for it !!! i dont know a single woman that hasnt had a broken heart, it feels like crap when you are going thru it, but you learn and grow from it, forgive is easy its the forgetting that will be hard !!! and do not blame your self, cause thats way too easy to do. if you decide to stay together and work it out it will be hard , but can be done !!! good luck, and i dont think you are human if you dont experience at least one broken heart, like any broken thing time will heal it !!!

I went through what you're going through with my first husband. I was 6 months pregnant and had three older children. 8, 6, and 4 years old. I didn't have 30 years invested in the marriage but I was beyond heartbroken. I left and never looked back. As soon as I moved out of our house, his girlfriend moved in. He was a pig and still is. Now he's a divorced, lonely old man that even his own children won't speak to.

I hope you get through this without too much heartache. If you chose to stay with your husband, I pray you can learn to trust him again.

WOW, you women overwhelm me ... I knew there was a reason I found this site. I thought it was all the menopause crap but clearly everything happens for a reason and I think this is the reason I found you all. Words cannot begin to describe how much each of your notes and all those hugs mean to me. Like several of you said, I'm just numb ... that is between the crushing feeling of total betrayal and absolute fury. It is still very surreal and I'm not entirely sure it's not a bad dream. I guess I'll find out when the sun comes up tomorrow. Being a nurse, the first rational thought I had this morning was to find out about the herpes. However, not until I had a talk with an Infectious Disease doc I know very well did I even consider other things. I confided in him and he confided that he'd been through the same thing...his wife had cheated. He was wonderful and very understanding. He also pointed out that I need to be tested as well for all STD's, HIV, Hep. C, etc. So I called my NP and told her what had happened and she said to come in. I saw her at about 4 this afternoon for the cultures to be taken and she was really supportive as well. I can't begin to describe how humiliating it was to be on that exam table for this purpose. I feel like I need to take an endless shower knowing that he'd slept with her and then came home to me. Things haven't been great for a very long time but I thought it was worth working on. I'd really changed the way I looked at things and tried to overlook things that weren't important. Our sex life became very active for the first time in years. I thought everything was heading in the right direction. What is so amazing to me is that he didn't start the physical part of the affair until a couple months ago. Long after things had started to get a little better. It just goes to show you that you can never really tell what's going through the mind of a dog. Anyway, I have a very good friend with whom I've just spent the last few hours and she and her husband took me to the pharmacy to get my ativan scrip filled then drove me home. I'm not making any decisions tonight on where this is going but I don't envision good things to come from it. What I do know is that this is the worst pain I"ve ever felt in my life and I'm not so sure I'm up for it. I honestly hope I don't wake up in the morning as I don't think I can take another day like today. The pain is simply more than I can bear. Thank you all for being there for me. We're strangers but suddenly I don't feel that way. I feel like you are all close friends and many know first hand how this feels. I only hope I can be strong enough to survive it.

He says it's over and the only reason he told me was because of the herpes issue. I says he wasn't going to tell me but i think he would have eventually anyway. he is very strong in his catholic faith and feels as though he has betrayed everything he has ever known. He is beating himself up pretty hard right now I know but somehow that just doesn't make it any better for me. I know he didn't necessarily seek this out and I believe him that it basically just "happened" but I also know the pain is more than I can bear right now. I appreciate your words of hope and encouragement. Right at this moment in time I'm not sure I can live with this. Trust is such an important thing in a marriage and I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. Just the thought of sharing my bed with him is beyond my ability right now let alone sharing my heart again. I would just be easier to pick up the shards that remain of it and go on alone. Thank you for the hugs and words of support. They mean more to me than you can imagine.

He says he doesn't want out of the marriage. He says he doesn't love her and he tells me he loves me. He does feel extremely guilty but none of that makes me feel any better. I don't know how to look at him again...he's clearly not the man I thought he was. He tells me he knows he has betrayed me and even described how he told her that he felt like was betraying his best friend. I guess that wasn't enough to keep him from doing it though. I am so torn between pain and anger right now that I can hardly breathe. I've got a prescription to help me sleep ... now all I have to do is try to make myself eat something. I've eaten nothing today except a graham cracker and three cups of tea. I know I have to eat but I just can't. What makes things harder is that our oldest daughter and her husband are living with us at the moment and our 18 year old son is home from college for the summer. I've had to tell them that I have a terrible headache and feel sick to my stomach. I've tried to keep my eyes averted so they cannot see that I've been crying all day. I don't know what to say to them if this keeps up as they are not going to buy the "I don't feel well line" forever. Nor are they going not notice that their father is sleeping the another room everynight. We talked about his telling them but I told him to hold off for the time being. I have to figure out how I'm going to deal with this ... maybe they won't have to know. I think he deserves to have to face them with this but at the same time I don't want them to feel the pain that I feel. It will be devastating to my daughters at least. My oldest's first marriage failed because her husband cheated on her. She will sense something is terribly wrong I think and I'm not sure I can fake it for too many days. Please me and my family your prayers...we are going to need as many as we can get. Thank you so much for your kind words and hugs I couldn't have made it through today without them.

t nikki, I would PM you but honestly I haven't figured out how to do it yet and right now my brain is not exactly functioning on all cylinders. I will try to figure it out tomorrow though and maybe we can talk. thanks.
Jan

it is sort of a greiving process, and beleive me theres more to this then hes telling you !!! hope you feel better in the morning !!!

Jan,

My heart goes out to you! You have received a lot of excellent advice and caring concern, so I just want to add a hug.

Love,
JC

Oh Sweetheart am so very sorry.I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hold you tight.The betrayal is bad enough but exposing you to Herpes is unforgiveable.

I know that you are now feeling very raw but at least your Husband told you I had to find out the hard way and then so much denial.

Am praying for you now very hard.

God Bless
And we are all here for you.

Very warm Hugs
Elizabeth

So sorry this is happening to you.
May you find a way thru it all

much love to you Jan

K x

realize this is will be like someone you love dying ,, you are going to experience the 5 stages of loss, not in any order and sometimes within minutes of each other,, you are going to osscilate between, anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The last, acceptance, may take years of therapy to get to if ever. Since you're going through all these stages making a decision about where your headed until your mind can become clearer is not advised. You may make a decision one day based on the depression ,, or the next day based on the anger ,, then turn around and decide something else compleately because of the denial. Please seek a counsler for YOURSELF right now .. and be careful that you get a good one that just listens and lets you work it all out in your own mind (I've had one counsler that told me to stay with my husband,, then turned around and got another one that told me to leave him,, they sometimes put their own personal opinion into it when you need to work it out for yourself)... please know that there are so many that love you, I know every little thing you do is a struggle and the minutes of the days seem like months ,, but time is passing ,, and your mind will start to come out of the shock. keep moving even if its a struggle .. many hugs and warm wishes .. keep talking here ,, it will definatley help.. also an amazing helping tool is to write letters to him (and then tear them up .. DO NOT SEND THEM) ,, you will be able to get out some anger and depression this way ..

What a great post and wonderful advice didgens.
--Happymom

You will come out of the blackness, yes anger is more productive, but can be destructive too, as we have a tendancy to act on things more readily when we are angry then when we are depressed. I found when I could flip the depression into anger it was a better place for me. Remember when you write to not give the letters to him, its just therapy for you. Please wake up in the morning ,, we want you to !!
Another little mind exercise .. when you start to drift to those thoughts of him an her ,, get out of your head and look at something you see, maybe something on your desk and and say "oh look ,, theres my coffee cup" ,, anything to disrupt being inside your head,, I know it sounds strange, but when one goes through what you are dealing with everything becomes internal, your mind races ,, you need to slow it down by focusing on something outside your internal thoughts.

Thanks didgens, that really is excellent advice. Actually, the "oh look, there's my coffee cup" line made me smile as it reminds me of my younger daughter. She is easily distracted so the joke is that she might be in the middle of a sentence and her gaze will drift off and she'll say "oh look, something shiny". Thanks, that's the first time I've thought anything even remotely pleasant in over 24 hours.
I will try it at work...Though I think I need to get the photos of my family put away for awhile so I can try to focus just on work for awhile. Have an appt. at the lab in a few so must go for now. Another round of humiliation awaits. Don't worry, I'll wake up in the morning....I just don't want to. Thank you so much for being there.

Anytime !!

Jan,

Sending you big hugs Sweetie. You will get through this, I promise. I have been through it a few times with my husband and I have survived. As a matter of fact just recently I found out that he was trying pick up a woman online, and that he hadn't told me the whole truth about his last affair. So, I have to go get tested for STD's once again, and I am not sure if I want to try and save the marriage anymore.

But this is about you. Sorry I got off track there with my problem. There is a wonderful website online that deals with infidelity that I have been a member of since 2001. The people there are wonderful and very supportive. I think it will help you. I can't post it here but if you PM me I will give you the information.

Take good care of YOU Jan. And take things one day at a time right now. PM me anytime if you need to talk.

Tina

((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))) sending my prayers and warm hugs to you. I hope you can get through this somehow....it will take time...give yourself time to grieve. If he stays he will have to earn your trust back. It's hard to know what to do in a situation like this. You have to weigh everything out and do what you feel is best in your heart.

Keep us posted.

First of all here is a hug for you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this on top of everything else. Just when you life should be settling down, you are now finding that everything that you once found security in, is gone. This is a hard post to write. I am sitting here, looking at this situation through a looking glass. I do not have your emotions jading my opinion. I will talk to you just like I would my sister. I do however, empathize with you and hate that you were put in this situation.














Betrayal...



..there is no bigger hurt in life than betrayal.
















Now, you will find that the ball is in your court.


As for hiding it from your children, they probably already know.
If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with them and tell them with their dad present.


Make no excuses for him.


SEX does just not happen.

Betrayal does not just "happen" either.


Both of these actions start with one little thought. This thought is entertained and then acted upon. Then comes one little action at a time. Then comes another and another. It can be stopped at any time. It is truly a choice.


He feels guilty. He should. He not only betrayed you, but also his family and God.
There is a price to pay for doing anyone of these things.

By HIS choice, he chose to be with someone else.
This is a hard fact to wrap your head around, but it is true.
He knew exactly what it might cost him and decided that it was worth it.

Perhaps this would have gone on (for years?) if he did not find out about the herpes?
I am sure that he would have reconsidered his "choice" if herpes was figured into the cost.


He has hundreds of excuses and justifications for his behavior.
Perhaps you are even taking some of the blame, also?
This was not your choice, it was his, so please don't start blaming yourself.

The testing for STDs is no big deal. Doctors test for this every day. There is no shame; the blame is not yours. Let the humiliation wash over you, put it away and never, ever let it surface again. It is misplaced humiliation.


You will go through many different emotions. Your world has just turned upside down. Can you really believe anything he tells you at this point? When he is late next week or runs to the store, you will grind inside....wondering....where is he really. Can he ever be trusted again? These are some of the things that you will have to deal with in the future.

Personally, I would want to sit down with his "love" and him and discuss this matter together in a rational way. I would want to know if she is prepared to take on his family. Did he lead her on telling her he was leaving you and going to marry her? Perhaps he "betrayed" her, too. You might just find that you feel sorry for her, also? You will never know unless you all discuss this together in a neutral place. This is not time for name-calling, yelling, or etc. This is a time for discussion.

If he does not really want to be with her, I would want to hear him tell her this in front of me.
If I were in this situation, I would never be able to forgive him unless this was done.




I would want to know what in the he** she was thinking when she decided to play with a married man....and what he was thinking. (I think woman are lower than dirt when they go after a married man, especially when they know that they have a family.)

What was she hoping to gain?
Your family, I suspect? What a mess!

As I said, the ball is in your court. Does he want to stay married to you? (He is probably going through the male meno thing, too.) If he does, then you need to figure out how this will be possible. You can go it alone, but outside help can speed up this process.

If you decide that you want to still be with him, then you will have to forgive him completely.
Otherwise, this will hurt you. Can you do this....do you want to do this?


If you don't want him, and you might find that you don't, then you need to make some plans.
Make sure he does not clean out your bank account and etc. I have watched countless friends deal with this and many did not make any decisions because they were in shock or just too hurt to deal with the situation.

I am sorry if I have been blunt. I tend to be realistic. Perhaps you are not up to hearing this from me, but this is exactly how I would speak to my best friend or sister, and this is exactly how I would want them to speak to me.

I really feel for you and your family. He has placed your family in a terrible mess. It can be cleaned up, but there will always be residue.




Many times the other party will go have sex with someone else to get back at the offending party. Although quite justified, it really makes more of a mess. Don't even let your mind go there. You are just too hurt right now to make good decisions. Call a trusted friend....or advisor.
Perhaps go away for a few days? Get back from the situation and take a good look.

....there are other fish in the sea. A divorced woman usually looks great after 1 month. LOL!
(I am not suggesting you divorce this ****, but just know that you do have options, too.)

The ball is in your court,
Big Hugs,
Shebee

Wow Shebee your post is a lot to consider.

Thank you so much Shebee! You have made some excellent points and I'm actually considering making him read this entire thread. As for the children...they are 28, 23 and 18 ... I know that at least the oldest and youngest think something isn't right but I"m quite certain they don't know exactly what it is. I told them I was sick last night and stayed at a friend's house until quite late. when I came home I got a cup of tea, logged onto PS and then took my ativan and went to bed. In regards the "her"...I can't think of her in any other terms but that for a woman who has sex with strangers without pay. W****. when I referred to her that way he said "she's not a w****" well, what else to you call a woman who knowingly sleeps with a married man with a family and worse yet, does not have the common decency to tell him to wear a condom at the very least. She IS a w**** of the first order in my opinion and that opinion will never change. She's also married and has two children. I'm of the opinion that she's done this before though she tells my husband she hasn't. I don't believe that for a NY minute. I'm not so sure I could be in the same room with her without slashing her eyes out with my bare hands but I would like to over hear the conversation between them when he tells her it's over. I want to hear whether she agrees with that or if she pleads for it to continue. he told me she asked him if he'd leave me for her and he says he told her no. I'm not 100% convinced that she is not still prowling after my husband. I'm also not 100% convinced that I would not let her have him. They sort of deserve each other. I feel badly for her husband and children though. This filthy creature has destroyed a marriage of 32 years and may very well destroy my daughters' relationship with their father. I know that it will affect my son as well but I'm not sure how much he'll side with Dad just because he relates to him better. this will take me a great deal of time to settle on how I feel about it and what I will do about it. When I'm not so angry I know that I still love him but the pain is so great and the trust is so gone...I'm not sure I can ever get those emotions back on an even keel ever again. That would have to happen in order to stay together and I'm not sure I have it in me. I know one thing for absolute certain...I cannot ever allow myself to be hurt like that again. I believe in my soul it would kill me. Thank you for your support and no, it wasn't too early to hear what you had to say. You sound a lot like me actually and after reading many of your posts I think we would be great friends if we lived near each other. Take care...I will try to as well.

That is an excellent post, Shebee. You really put your heart into that.

Wishing you strength and courage.... (((((Jan)))))

Great post Sheebee.


Had lunch today with my 68yo male employee and briefly mentioned what your husband did to you. He asked why your husband had cheated and I told him we didn't know and it didn't matter. You had been hurt. But then I told him how your husband also confessed to the possible exposure to herpes (and/or) other std's. He said, "well, the man did the right thing by confessing because her health is involved."

Earlier I wanted to have a smack down with your husband!! I was so mad. My ex cheated on me too except mine didn't confess. I had the humiliation of his buddies ratting him out because they were worried about me. Mine denied the affair(s) but yours did not. I too suffered the stress of std testing HOWEVER it was not an indignity. I was determined to know if I had been exposed to anything. Luckily I was given a clean bill of health and went on to raise my young children. I know it is hard to believe but you too will ultimately be fine and get your life back on track. One final thought. Tell your husband to go get tested for all std's NOW. He says he doesn't want out of the marriage. I say prove it. He could either go to a walk in center, ER (where he'd have to sit for hours) or an Internist. My heartfelt thoughts are with you. JZZ

I wouldn't meet with her, but that's just me. I wouldn't want to give her any power at all, like HER explanation means something to you?? She's NOTHING and giving her any of your time would reinforce she's SOMETHING. But that's just my humble opinion

I'd also close all joint bank accounts and open my own. You can change your mind later if you want to include him. If you got divorced you'd have to give him half, but in the mean time YOU would have control of the money.

I'd open a credit card or 2 in my name only if you haven't already done that.

I wouldn't say anything bad about him to the kids. They KNOW, they can just LOOK at your face and KNOW. I wouldn't make excuses for him or bail him out in anyway, I just wouldn't discuss it. I'd tell them that when I've figured out a few things, they'll be the first to know, but right now you're just trying to make it thru the day.

Most importantly.... I'd give myself some TIME. You need to TIME and more TIME. You are an open festering wound right now, and in no condition to make life long decisions. I'd get my ducks in a row (bank accts, etc...) but I wouldn't do ANYTHING just yet. You'll know when it's time to throw him out, or try to rebuild your relationship. Right now it's all about YOU.

Sending many hugs Jan.... my heart goes out, and is with you.

I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of meeting "her" (aka TBFH). You are totally correct, she is NOTHING to me but a cancer which needs to be cut out and poisoned. In regards to the money, we don't have any money in our accounts at the moment anyway. He'd be hard pressed to run off with all the money unless he can carry houses on his back. All our money is tied up in real estate at the moment so there's not much he can do with that. It's all listed in both our names so that's safe for the time being. I have considered taking my paycheck out of the direct deposit mode into our checking account and putting in my own account at a different back. I honestly don't believe that he would do the financial screw job on me but I've obviously been wrong about him before. I may be a fool but not a complete fool. he wants to meet so we can talk so he's going to pick me up from work in a little while and we'll go to a spot where there isn't anyone to talk a bit. If it gets too angry I'll walk away. I'm not in any danger, he's not that kind of person...but the pain might be too much for me to talk about right now. I know that no decisions can be made at this point but no matter whether we end the marriage or try to rebuild it, I know now that I still love him. If I didn't it wouldn't hurt so horribly. If only we could reset the clock to go back to the point before this happened....

You sound like you know EXACTLY what you're doing, good for you!! You hang in there, things will get clearer as the fog lifts.

Good Luck tonight... I will be thinking of you!!

XOXOXOXOX

Also.. I heard a quote today that may apply to you:

It's not avoiding the storms in our lives that make life worth living, but rather learning how to dance in the rain.

Many hugs!!

I would be all over him about WTH he was thinking and I wouldn't be able to hold in my anger!!

Jan,

Shebee said what a lot of us are thinkng....stand tall and do not let HIM reduce you to less than who you are......HE did it, HE is wrong and even if things were not good between you , SEX can not happen instantaneously....at some point, he could have stopped his actions and turned back to you and attempted to right what was wrong with your relationship.....as for meeting the other woman, I wouldn't bother....I too think women who tear apart marriages are the worst representation of our gender and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing the pain in my eyes....

Hugs,
Momz

Shebee,

You can play on my tream in the game of life anyday I like a sister who can tell it like it is....

Momz

One day at a time, even one moment at a time. I have been through this and the pain is undescribable. They should make a pill for this pain, they have one for everything else !! What should we call the pill that helps us feel better about the man who stetched out our VJJ having his kids and put strech marks on places we can't even see in the mirror, who's clothes we washed and face we fed and house we kept, we told our deepest thoughts to and let us not for get we loved. Let's see ladies what would you call it ? I'm so over it pill ? HA HA !
Truley forgiveness can be a hard one but if you choose to, you can do it with time. It frees you from the pain, but take your time and take care of yourself till then. He's not the victim, he may be sorry but he is not the victim. Praying for you, it will be OK, it takes time, but it will be ok, no matter what you decide to do and we are here to support you.

Take care,
Glenda

Jan,
My God I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I echo Shebee's thoughts on this. These things don't "just happen". What a load of crap! For him to defend her when you referred to her as a wh*** is inexcusable. He should have kept his mouth shut. I'm sorry, I just go into Thelma and Louise mode when this type of thing happens to a sister. I am angry for you. I pray that you find resolution in the days and months ahead and I wish you all the best.

Ok...I've kept my mouth shut for a day and a half. I was going to post yesterday but I can be pretty blunt and didn't want to overstep any bounds here. I feel compelled to say something so here goes.

1. You say you still love your husband. THAT in and of itself has the potential to save your marriage.

2. Your placing blame in the wrong lap. Your HUSBAND is your only concern (not her) and HE did this to YOU. The blame is HIS and HIS alone as far as you should be concerned. SHE has her own family to explain things to. You have the right to be mad as hell at her but make sure your anger is directed correctly. SHE can not make HIM do anything HE doesn't WANT to do. Get it?

3. He told you about this because there is a medical issue involved. Would he of told you had there NOT been a medical issue involved? YOU are the only one who can decide this and it is very important you know the answer or you will second guess yourself forever and it will make you nuts.

4. YOU have done NOTHING wrong so do not be embarrassed about it. Hold your head high!

5. This is the one that bothers me the most. I am aware your children are grown BUT this is a personal issue between you and your husband. Your children can make their own decisions in life. It should and will be their choice of how they feel about this but I firmly believe this is about you and your husband. Your kids were not involved. If you chose to tell them it should be HE that does it. HE did this and he needs to fix it...not YOU.

6. Do I believe there is life after an affair? YES YES YES. 30 plus years is NOT something you just lightly throw away. There is so much love and connection and trust that has been built. Yes, it WAS betrayed but that does not mean it can not be fixed with love patience and time.

7. I'm going to get kicked for this I am sure but here goes. Stupid people make stupid choices for stupid reasons. Do I believe it can just "happen" No, I am not an idiot. But there ARE reasons it happened and those are reasons you need to find out. He did it and it was WRONG but you need to find out WHY he did it. There might be something going on he can get help with.

8. Do what you need to do to protect YOU right now. Kick in to self preservation mode if you must. The pain and grief of being cheated on is tremendous. Time and only time will heal a broken heart but your soul will be scarred for life. The victory over this is to not let that scar cripple your spirit.

9. Know that we are all here for you. MANY of us have dealt with this. Some of us are even the perpetrators of it. You are obviously a strong woman who has her head screwed on straight. Use it to make wise decisions and make NONE of them under durress or anger. I wish you peace my friend.