I just need to vent before I drive up to my daughters college and make a scene!! My daughter who graducated high school with honors is going to make me crazy or divorced before she finishes her first year of college. She's a very smart girl and got into one of the top private colleges. I struggled a bit with her during high school when it came to writing papers and studying for tests but she always managed to get things done and get good grades. Those days are gone now!! She finished her first semester with B's and C's instead of her normal A's she always got in high school. I talked to her and explained that college is different and she needs to do more studying and work harder on papers (she hates writing papers) and I thought she was good to go. It's getting close to the end of the second semester and she has alreay blown a few test because she didn't take the time to study like she should and one test she forgot about and didn't study at all. Bottom line she is too busy playing and blowing off her homework when something better comes up. She has two big papers due this week and finals coming up soon. I picked her up from school on Friday so she could come home to get some application for summer work and we talked about how she needed to get those papers done and done well to make up for not so good test scores. I thought she understood how important it was and I felt good about our talk. Boy was I an IDIOT!! I took her back to school Saturday morning so she could do the activity she does on Saturday (more play time) and thought she would spend the rest of the weekend working hard on her papers. I talked to her last night to find out she was screwing around until 1:30 Sunday morning and then spent most of Sunday looking at dorm rooms for next year. I have already tried the yelling thing and the talking nice trying to explain how important school is for her future and nothing works. She pretends she understand and promises to do better and then off she goes to play. If she's not playing she is sitting at her computer surfing the internet. I talked to her this morning and she had the nerve to whine about having to work all day on her papers but added how she is going to some kids dorm room at 7:00 tonight to play some board game. I was so mad that I didn't really say much to her. I knew if I started to say what I wanted to say it was going to get ugly. On top of all this her dad has always been hard on her over the years for no reason. She has always been a very good kid and always got good grade in school but he was always on her about something. If she brought home a paper with a A- he would want to know why she didn't get an A. She really couldn't do anything right in his eyes and he wasn't shy about letting her know. The two of them can't be in a room together for two minutes without a fight starting and I'm always put in the middle and it's not a fun place to be. Most of the time it was my husbands fault and we have had many fights over it so you can imagine how he feels about her screwing up in college. He will ask me if she has gotten her papers done and when I say NO some how it becomes my fault and then things between us get ugly!! Right now I'm disappointed in my daughter and don't know what to do about it and then have to deal with my husband that is so mad at her right now he told me if she calls and complains at all I should hang up on her!! I told him I couldn't do that because that would be mean and his answer was "I could because I am mean" and he's right when it comes to her he is mean and that's not right!!

Ok, I'm done now!! I just needed to get this off my chest before I exploded at the wrong person.

Congratulations on raising such a smart, spirited, strong willed daughter!! It's a GOOD thing, trust me

All I can tell you is I have 3 children, all college graduates. One graduated in less than 4 years, one did it in 5 years, and one took 6 1/2 years. The one that took 6 1/2 years was booted out TWICE for poor grades, and managed to get himself back in both times. He's now in graduate school getting his masters.

My point is sometimes they have to learn on their own, the HARD way. It's tough for us parents to watch it, but the journey they take in college includes many things, not just the education.

Maybe she's rebelling a bit, maybe she's just enjoying her new freedom, maybe she's just trying to figure out what SHE wants (not her father), but in time, she'll come to grips with all of it.

Try to relax a bit... she's at a very exciting time in her young adulthood, and if you focus too much on what she's doing WRONG you wont see what she's doing RIGHT. JMHO

(((Virginia))))))

I completely understand the last part of your post. DH and DD can't be in the same room and we had that episode yesterday..I just want to bang both their heads together!! I say they are TOO much alike!!

I was ticked at DH yesterday after that.

Thank you Leanne!! Everything you said I know is very true and believe me I have made many bad choices in my life and I think I try too hard to help my daughter not go down the wrong road. I didn't give a crap when I was in high school so I pretty much screwed around and wrecked any chance of going to college so I was so pleased I ended up with a kid that loved school and loved to learn. I also spent my time doing all the wrong things in my late teen and early 20's and again have to say I was blessed to have a daughter that has always done all the right things all her life. My daughter has always been a bit on the shy side and she decided when she went to college she was going to come out of her shell and that she has accomplished very well!! I agree with you and I need to relax and not get myself stressed about it and stop listening to people that keep telling me she won't be able to get into graduate school because they only take the top kids. Thank you again for the kind words!!

LOL!! I have many times wanted to bang my DH and DD heads together. My DH and DD are also so much alike that they can't be in the same room together without one of them saying something stupid and then the fight starts and they both put me int the middle so someone is always upset with me in the end. I do blame my DH for the problems, he has been hard on my daughter for years. He was the best dad in the world when she was little and thought the world revolved around him but as soon as she started to get older and stopped thinking the world revolved around him he turned. I don't think she can do anything right in his eyes and believe me this has caused many problems between me and husband. I feel like he is the adult and should act like it. My DD has always been well behaved and has done all the right things until she went to college and it's just her school work that she is not doing so well with. She has stayed away from the drugs and alcohol and I thank God for that. Bottom line she is a good kid and as Leanne said I need to relaxe and let her make her own mistakes. It does make me mad and sad that DH and DD can't get along and the stress that it puts on all of us. School will be ending soon and my daughter will be back home for almost 4 months and that will bring the stress right back into the house and I just don't think that is right and again I blame my DH!!

I bet that was more information than you needed or wanted!! LOL

I think it's hard for us as parents to get out of the nagging, control mode and allow the kids to take responsibility for their own things. This means allowing them to fail. We should not be nagging them even in high school, because all that does is delay their inevitable confrontation with reality. My son is 12 and we have stepped back and stopped the nagging, but he also is without any privileges until we see his grades come up. We were sick and tired of us being the ones to care more about his grades than him. John Rosemond has an excellent book entitiled "Ending the Homework Hassle" and says in no way should parents take on responsibility for the child's work. It's about teaching him responsibility and the consequences of not fulfilling it. It has lessened the stress in our house considerably, no more yelling, nagging, etc.

But a college kid needs a bit of a different approach. They should have to get a job and either pay their whole education or at least half of it. Tell her you are more than happy to pay for it, but you expect her to keep her grades up and if she doesn't, or has to repeat classes she flunked, then that's her responsibility to get the money to pay for more school until the grades come up again. We parents end up prolonging all this worry and contention about school by continually nagging and lecturing and continuing to finance irresponsible behavior.

No, it's not easy to let them fail, but it's necessary, else no lessons are learned and the child will not be responsible. Just some thoughts.

Ahhhh... if it were only that easy

Nope, it's not easy, but it's worked for people who have done it when all else has failed. We hate to see our children fail and to suffer consequences, but it's necessary if they are to be responsible adults. And a college age person should be learning to live in the adult world.

I guess the parent has to decide if the nagging and reminding, and lecturing are worth all the contention and bad feelings. The most valuable lessons are those we experience for ourselves, not those that we are lectured about endlessly. I just decided the stress in our house was too much, and it was actually a freeing feeling once I was able to let go. But for it to work we also have to be willing to let the child experience the consequences of their actions without trying to cushion the blow.

It all starts LONG before college.

Listen, Sariah... not to be argumentative, but your 12 year old cannot be compared to her college student. Two totally different situations. That's all I'm trying to say.

I'm not sure if you have had a college student child, but they it's a whole different ballgame at that point.

I know, I did say the situation is different, but I have friends who have dealt with these issues and these things have worked for them. And I do agree, it starts long before college, which is why I'm starting now. But it's never too late, fortunately.

It really does get complicated trying to decide when to nag and when to just let them fail. I didn't have to do much nagging when she was in high school. Don't get me wrong I did have a few times when I had to take away TV, video games and unhook the internet until she got a grade up but it didn't happen very often. I'm new at the college thing and really did expect my daughter to continue getting the same kind of grades she got in high school. I don't expect her to be a staight A student and don't even need her to be I just need her to spend as much time on school work as she seems to spend on playing right now. It really is hard to just sit back and watch her play the year away while I am writing hug checks to the school!!

I could not agree with you more!!!

My daughter graduated in 4 years and my son is graduating next month, he was on the six year program. He transferred out of his first school after 1 and 1/2 years completely switched his major and started all over again. He is now graduating #1 in his class with all kinds of honors and accolades.

They all have to find their way. It just takes some longer than others. I believe that one of the most important jobs we have as parents is to make sure that by the time they are off to college we have given them all the tools necessary to think independently and make the good choices for themselves.
Our role as a parent gets more difficult as our children get older. As my grandmother would say," Little children, little worries; Big children big worries".

I hope you dont take this the wrong way because I have a college bound student too and she is being stubborn about starting because she is working two jobs and making money to pay her bills herself and I think she is scared to give it up. So I am frustrated with her.

BUT...........

I am wondering if your daughter is finally showing her anger towards her father right now by letting him know just how hard she worked in highschool to live up to what he wanted her to be and him still not being happy with her. Therefore, she is letting him know that now that she is not under his constant sight, she does not feel she has to please him. If she was not good enough in highschool why should she work harder now when he will think she is still not good enough.


Just a thought. What made me think of it is because I have done something similar with my mom. When I was at home, my mom DEMANDED that her house be spotless at all times. I even cleaned her leather furniture with a toothbrush (new and never used) to keep the cracks perfectly clean. I cleaned her tile floors with a scrub brush and drying cloths, etc, you get the idea. Well now I have my own house and I do not keep my house like a museum and do not care. She constantly critized my housework when I lived at her house. She critizes me now when she comes to my house and now I LAUGH MY ASS OFF because I dont have to worry about what she thinks anymore.

Hugs to you and your daughter,
Jeaninne

We have a 21 year old and he's a bit of an overachiever academically, but he still drives me crazy in some ways. I guess it's the parent in us that wants them to act a certain way, or do a certain thing, because we probably do know better than them due to life experience. But they have to learn some lessons the hard way.

Our kid has his degree and is finishing up his Master's but now he's job hunting and his dad and I try to give him advice, words of wisdom, etc. about job hunting in this economy. He doesn't listen, he's doing things "his way" and he'll have to find out if "his way" will work.

But I know your frustration in thinking they're listening to you and then realizing they haven't taken a word to heart. It's not that they're bad kids, they're great kids, they just have to learn for themselves because they aren't quite old enough to figure out their parents have been around the block a time or two, LOL, and know what they're talking about.

As far as school and grades though, I know quite a few parents who cut off funds when grades slipped. When the kids had to get jobs, they wised up and got their grades back up. And grades do matter because I know one kid who's now trying to get his GMAT scores up above 700 because his GPA is low due to his "goofing off" during his freshmen year and he's trying to get into grad school, but he needs a higher GMAT to compensate for his low GPA.

But lots of kids that do slide during their freshmen year figure out by the time they're sophomores that they have to buckle down and study, so her behavior is really normal....frustrating, but normal.

Ah yes, the ol' "they can't see me so I think I'll push the envelope" routine! LOL Our oldest daughter went away to college in another state (colorado) and was SO HAPPY that every time we talked to her during her first semester she repeated "thank you so much for letting me come here. I love it!" Indeed she sure did! By the end of her second year she was on academic probation and despite being exceptionally bright, had a gpa of 1.950!!! That's when the yelling, nagging, etc. ended and "the ball's in your court kiddo" part started. We yanked the tuition and told her she was able to stay in Colorado if she wished (she was 19 at this point) but it would be on her dime as we were through paying. OR she could come home and go to school part time and work part time. OR she could come home and work full time and get her own apartment. Either way, we were through shelling out endless amounts of cash for nothing. The rule was that she had to pay tuition, books, fees up front and we would reimburse her for Bs or better. If she got a C it was on her dollar. Amazingly, just like magic, her grades went from Cs and Ds to As and Bs! Of course, she has always been one to learn the hard way so ended marrying the wrong guy (we tried to tell her but...), got divorced and then finally finished college on the Dean's list. She's remarried now to a great guy and seems very happy but wow, it's been exhausting, not to mention expensive. My point, though rather long winded is that you are not alone, kids will mature at their own rate but you don't have to pay for it. If your daughter doesn't straighten up next year you might want to try this method. You'll save a lot of money in the long run and she'll value her education more if she has a financial stake in it. Aren't kids great? I have three of them, one graduating in two weeks after 5 years and one just finishing his first year. They have both learned from the first one's mistakes so far. Good luck, it'll all work out in the long run!!

i would not push her so much - the arguing and taking sides is not worth it- at the end of the day, life is too short to worry bout this just love her and stand behind her, im sure most of your input was installed in her years ago and she;ll do the right thing and come out in the end just fine !! the stress to you is all its accompliising

I guess kids are just frustrating sometimes!!

I'm not trying to make excuses for my husbands poor behavior but I don't think his behavior towards my daughter really has anything to do with her lack of interest in school work. My daughter did very well in school because she was very smart and didn't have to do anything but sit in class and listen to what the teacher taught her and she could take a test and get an A. The only trouble she had in high school was when she had to take what they call an easy class that had busy work. If she had to do work outside the class room we struggled with her. I think her problem now in college is that the teacher teaches you part of what you need to learn and then you are to go and learn the rest on your own and my daughter isn't a good self learner. She also doesn't know how to use her time very well. She always thinks she has plenty of time to finish something and then runs out of time and then beats herself up for screwing up. I have to keep telling myself she is still young and she will get better as time goes and she has improved a bit over the second semester so maybe next year will be good!!

I'm glad you have gotten to a point that you don't worry about what your mom thinks anymore!!

I sure hope my daughter will have learned her lesson this year and works harder on her grades next year because she does want to go to grad school. She hasn't even finished her first year and she is already talking about grad school!! The only thing I have said about grad school is "we will help pay for your first 4 years but after that you are on your own".

It sounds like your daughter enjoyed her first year in college as much as mine does!! I'm very happy that she has found many new good friends and is enjoying her time at school but now she needs to learn to have a good social life and do her school work. Her GPA is at 2.70 right now so I don't think at this point she has to worry about academic probation. It's nice to hear that other kids have done that same thing and it all worked out fine!!

For the most part I don't push her and I do think that is right but then sometimes I think maybe I have been too easy on her and that is why she doesn't seem to care all that much. As for picking sides I would rather stay out of the fights but her and her dad always need to put me in the middle. There have been times when I know they are going to start fighting about something I will leave the room. I have went up to the bathroom and got into the tub to let them battle it out on their own and it doesn't take long before our dog is trying to get in the tub with me because she doesn't enjoy conflict either and I have a 80 lb German Shepard. Bottom line I try my best to not pick sides but I will admit I do tend to side with my daughter!!