This is a hard post to write as it delves into my deep, inner self which, for me, has never seen the light of day.

I'm not sure I really know who I am. But here goes: as those who have followed my posts already know, I grew up in a fully dysfunctional family no holds bar. The level of ugliness stills shows itself at my age (50) and I look sadly across the landscape of siblings and realize we were raised in such a vaccum of sadness and denial and violence and inability to love and share and communicate that today, as adults, we have no interaction whatsoever with the exception of some limited visits between a few and we're a family of 8 kids

Add to that, I bacome pregnant at 19, married and accepted my role as mother to eventually 4 children who I love dearly but I know I have failed in many ways due to my lack of parenting skills based again, on my upbringing and that hurts me deeper than anything. I never had opportunity to see normal family encounters except in others and I often felt like an alien, spying on others to see what is right. (yes, I know all of us have our dysfunctions but some of us are wayyyyyyy past normal). Even to this day, I observe closely how others act and often walk away sadly when I realize how bad mine was....

So I digress. The reason for my post this morning is I'm tired, so very tired of this feeling of faliure and emptiness and so want to move on. There are days I want to just walk out the door, move away and start new somewhere else and see who I REALLY am and not this cardboard cut-out who goes through life, absorbing what I see others doing, doing right thing by my husband and kids and wishing I could just disappear ........

I know this feeling has layed dormat for years as I remember once, in my throws of mothering 4 little kids, I came across an article about a woman who up and left her family in her 50s and was leading the life she always wanted......and instead of being repulsed by her maternal abandonment, I envied her

So ladies, I stand at my fork in the road....50, unfulfilled, tired of the daily grind of nothing, looking out the window and wondering "what if" .....

When I was just a young girl, I wanted to join the Peace Corps and was talked out of it. Funny, that haunts me more than anything now. I played the responsible girl and married and raised my kids and did what was not done for me. My kids are fabulous and have achieved much even with their clueless mother and father at the helm (who also came from a shattered upbringing). We worked hard at the parenting we did and can only hope they weed out what we did poorly in their kids

This is a free-thinking ramble and wonder if anyone else feels similar to me......

What it comes down to is I want more out of life than I have now and it will have ME ME ME written all over it

Is it menopause kicking up it's heels or just the clock of life ticking away and the reality that life is finite and it's now or never....

I search for a purpose that circumvents a clean floor and a pretty yard and a fading existnece...

Peace,
Momz

Dearest Momz,
My heart hurts for you that you have so much pain. I'm not a counselor or anything like that...just another Mom (of three) who happens to be a hospice nurse. I often hear people talk about these kinds of feelings...it's so hard to hear and see the pain on their faces but I know it helps them to have their feelings validated. You obviously have a good heart or you wouldn't still be where you are. You'd have run off long ago. You mentioned feeling like a failure...that's so sad and SO WRONG! You yourself say that your kids are "fabulous" and have "achieved much". That alone makes you a WHOPPING SUCCESS in my book. The most important job in the world is being a parent. While it helps tremendously to have good role models, parenting is an on the job training profession and NO ONE does it perfectly. Even those who have excellent role models and seem to "do everything right" make their fair share of mistakes. Sometimes the kids turn out terrific and sometimes they don't but it's not generally for our lack of trying. No one's kids are perfect, despite what they might tell you or what you might think. It's clear that you love your kids. And I'm betting they know how much. That's really the important thing to remember. I think we all have times when we want to run away from our lives but stick it out because we really love our families, despite whatever pain they might be causing us at the time. I don't know what you should do or who you can talk to about this but please try to remember that you have not wasted your life. You have four fabulous children who will do you proud. You did a great job, Momz! Be proud of what you've accomplished and feel better!

In my opinion...if your children are grown and out on their own you not only have the RIGHT but the RESPONSIBILITY to do ANYTHING that makes you happy! Trust me, I feel the same way most days. I just sit and watch my life slowly go by wondering why I am not happy! It is nobody's fault except my own if I am unhappy. I can not change my past but I don't have to let if influence my future either. I have issues with my past I struggle with that have affected me as an adult. Finally, at 42 I am realizing what they are, that they were in my PAST which has nothing to do with NOW and that I don't want spilling over or dictating my FUTURE...so I am trying to gently and slowly let them go. Not easy girlfriend....BUT I am trying!

Thanks Jan and your post accented the fact that as a hospice nurse, you DO see the end sadness of so many and that I SHOULD be doing more with my life than wah wah wah-ing and I hope no one takes it that way. It's just that I feel I have more to do in this life than what I'm doing and I feel empty and undirected and I fear reaching the end and going "Was that IT?" Yes, my kids are doing well and in the face of the lack of mothering skills, that is a huge success for me (I'm trying not to beat a dead horse, but we're talking some parental neglect and household abuse and violence in my case of huge degrees....I've been told I'd been removed from my home if I was a young girl today )

And I think I immersed myself so much in being a good mother that the REAL me kinda disappeared
in the folds of life and now is struggling to get out (years ago, a friend told me I remind her of a bird in a cage, beating my wings to get out )

My pain is somewhat self inflicted at this point as therapy has shown me a way out...it just seems that last step is the hardest and reinventing myself will mean some changes which I fear almost as much as stagnating......such a catch 22

We will see.....

Momz