I have been giving loss a great deal of thought lately as it has been bubbling up within me although I didn't recognize it at the time. Loss can come in many forms and for many reasons. It need not be the human loss of life, although that cerainly is the hardest of all. It can also be the loss of a career, a dream, a child going off to college, a marriage, and yes, even of our physically changing bodies.

So much anxiety and depression is written about on these boards and with it so much searching and looking for answers and support. I wonder though that if we really stopped to think about it that the anxiety and depression we are feeling is stemming from some sort of loss that we keep pushing down, shoving aside, and keeping in. A great deal of anxiety is because of emotions we don't release. Those emotions raging within us, even if we don't recognize them, have to go somewhere and they release through anxiety. (That old flight or fight, adrenalin kicking in - wow, what effort it takes to keep those emotions in check!). A great deal of depression comes from the same place and often follows that anxiety as we continue to force things down and down. The only thing we can see is the anxiety or the depresion as we wander around thinking - what is wrong with me. What we don't see are all those feelings we are trying so hard to run from for we think if they surface that the pain will be too much. And when loss follows loss followed by more loss we are completely overwhelmed. The old saying - Can't see the forest for the trees - certainly applies here.

Over the past three years I have retired (leaving a job that gave me joy and purpose), moved to a new area (one we worked towards yet leaving my youngest behind and our 30+ years of building a family there), lost two grandchildren before birth, put a family pet to sleep, lost a father-in-law that meant a great deal to me, and somewhere in the midst of all of that I lost me. I shoved everything down to get through the next crisis, the next loss. I stood strong and there for everyone else. Then wham! It all came careening down.

I am not looking for sympathy here for each one of us bears our own losses and burdens and mine are no better or harder than anyone else's. But, what I am suggesting is that quite possibly all that anxiety and depression is coming from pain that we keep hidden or refuse to honor. I am not throwing out the idea of hormones at all. But, maybe, just maybe, if our emotional pains were eaiser then our hormonal issues might be better - our bodies better able to cope. While we may not mourn the loss of a monthly period, are we still not mourning the loss of our youth, our bodies, our womanliness, and yes, even our childbearing? Of course, the loss of periods does not mean life is over, but does it not signal an end to who we were in a way, and is that not worth mourning for until we are able to move on to the next phase of our lives? Do you remember puberty - do you remember those hormones? Do you remember feeling some loss of childhood when that first period came? Do you remember some of that teen angst? Were we crazy, messed up, sick? No, we were moving on and moving on is never easy or without loss.

Tears come so often now. It scared me at first. Made me feel bad that every time my husband turned around I was crying and asking him to talk with me, which he does so beautifully and healingly. But, what I am discovering is that those tears need to come. I am mourning those lost babies, I am mourning our pet, I am mourning the loss of my home despite the beautiful one we have now by the sea, I am mourning missing our youngest even though the time had come for him to be on his own. Which to mourn first? Which to get out first? Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe just the crying is what is needed - finally.

As my husband and I talked today we hit on something very important. What the rational mind knows and accepts is not often what the emotional mind can. Yes, we know rationally that our child must go off to college. We know that is the right order of things. We know that it is for his/her best. We do all the right things to make that happen. Yet, our emotional self is crying - NO. And what do we do with that? We bury it, hide it, because we don't want to upset anyone else. We think it should be a happy time. Isn't that what life demands of us? So we smile, we get through. We put that treasured pet to sleep, we bolster up the child in grief over the loss of his own children and deny our own, we send that kid off to school, we bury a family member, we struggle with our changing bodies and the life that goes with it. AND then we are having anxiety, or panic, or depression and we don't know why. We really and truly don't know why. Is it hormones? Is it our past childhood? Is it lack of vitamins? Is it that we need medication? Is it not enough exercise? Is it not eating correctly? What is IT????

While my thoughts may not work for everyone and some might disagree, I think it is important and very valuable to look at the losses in our lives whatever they might be. I think it is important to mourn those losses. To openly mourn them. As the famous Charlie Brown once said - There is nothing so depressing as the loss of a cherished dream. And as one lovely female psychologist wrote - If depression came without loss that would be something totally different, but depression with loss is expected and even necessary. Another lovely woman who writes on grief says - While mourning may feel like a mental illness it is NOT. I can not speak for anyone else, but I do think that for some, me included, it is necessary to recognize and honor our losses, to finally bring them to the surface, to forget being strong and just be, and to not be scared of the feelings that brings. We must recognize that our losses aren't in competition with anyone else's, in other words we can not beat ourselves up because someone has it worse. The losses are ours and that makes them just as real and important. Maybe if those feelings are allowed to come, the healing from anxiety and depression can begin.

With thoughts of all of you,

Dor

What a great post!!

Oh dear Dor...

how possibly right you are....and you know what?...I have had this discussion with myself and a couple of my friends just in the last couple of days!

My loss is that of my independant self......I had my one and only daughter at age 40, gave up work and literally gave up myself....sat staring at 4 walls for a long time depressed, fearful, anxious...4 years later was 'dragged' to another country away from my family and friends by a husband who has been unable to let go of his single/selfish traits and who is not able to show me love like he once did (another loss) and who himself was not shown any love as a child - was brought up by his father as his mother left when he was just 2 - so doesn't help.

I can't seem to work out how I can get a job, even though I am desperate to get out there and get some of that 'me' back...my husband isn't reliable because he is in a class 7 days a week until the end of June.....how does one find a job from 9-2:30pm Monday to Friday, taking school holidays off to be with my daughter..... with limited skills and qualifications ( I used to be a manager of a travel agency back in UK for almost 17 years, but here there are hardly any independant agencies left, and of those they do not want part time/temporary staff)....I am an artist, but a 'starving' one!

I have no family here and no-one to rely on for babysitting and do not want to spend the money putting my daughter into an aftercare just to be able to work - as well as I don't want that for her anyway.

I feel a loss, yes...deeply, and I KNOW that is what has made me so depressed.

If only I had a husband that could equally share our child....I know a lot of us are in that boat, but I have NO resources or family.....It frustrates and saddens me greatly and is indeed a big disappointment to me.

Maybe some of you think I am not appreciating what I have....well I have tried and tried telling myself that too, but it doesn't matter, I am still mourning the loss of my old self.

I dread to think how I would be if I lost someone close to me right now as I just would not cope at all, so I feel for you Dor.....

I guess I am just needing to let it all out...warts and all!

Caz

Thank you for writing this today. I think you wrote it for me to read. I know everyone here on these boards have experienced different forms of loss. Mine seem to be right on the surface. In the last five years, I've lost both my parents, my job, moved across the country, started peri-menopause, watched my youngest daughter suffer through kidney failure, dialysis, and finally receiving a donor kidney. I also feel like I've lost my marriage, although we're still married and live in the same house. There is no love, no touching, no meaningful conversation. You're right, the tears flow easy, the depression hits hard sometimes, and the anxiety is out of control. I live day to day, just hoping each day will be a day I can at least be thankful for. Some days are better than others. I still have my kids, my grandkids, my health, and my life.

You ladies so touch my soul - your losses so profound, your strength so amazing. There are no warts - just raw, human feeling. Who among us can say we have not felt those angers, those hungers for our old selves, those needs. How clearly I can look at you and think - Of course she is feeling this way, who wouldn't. Not so easy to do for myself and from the sounds of your postings, not so easy to do for yourselves. My heart goes out to each of you. I know, I understand, I get it. It is wrong of me to say I totally understand for I have not moved to another country, I have not had a child in kidney failure, I have not lost a marriage. But, understand, yes I do, in whatever limited way that I can. Maybe we should consider it on the path to healing instead of some ugly demon, some uncontrollable thing. And yes, we do have wonderful things in our lives. Our children, our life, our families, whatever. But, we must not feel guilty that the anxiety and the sadness is still there. Those things, although helpful, do not make the losses all better. It doesn't take away all the pain. Going through the pain is important - very. All those awful shoulds like - I shouldn't feel this way, I should be stronger, I should let it go, I should be better by now, I should help myself, I should be grateful for all I do have, I should, I should, I should. Maybe what we should do is stop the shoulds. Of course losing yourself is hard. Of course having a child in kidney failure is hard. Of course having no family around is hard. Of course, of course, of course. Why can't we say that to ourselves? Well, if we can't, if you can't, I will say it for you. OF COURSE IT IS HARD AND YOU HAVE EVERY, EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO. Does it mean we will always be in this place? NO. But it does mean that for now, at this moment in time, it is where we need to be. A broken leg does not heal without pain. Can we expect a broken heart to heal without pain? What a blessing to have other women to share, understand, and honor that pain. I do for you, I truly do.

Dor

I just wanted to add the recommendation of an excellent book - Living Through Personal Crisis by Ann Kaiser Stearns. You can probably find it on amazon. If you need a truly sympathetic, understanding, and compassionate book on loss this one is excellent.

Dor

What a beautiful post, and let me add.... (((DOR))) - a lovely P-S "old-timer!" It's so nice to see you posting here.

All that you said is right, IMHO. We do go through a lot of loss at this age. I'm reading a book right now called "Leap," by Sara Davidson, that has to do exactly with this. Women (and men) in their 50's, naturally slowing down some, kids leaving home, work suddenly not as easy to find, menopause, retirement, little (or big) physical booboos... It makes one ask, if work and the raising of a family was my purpose, why on earth am I still here? What am I meant to do with the next 30 or so years?

You are right too about honoring the loss. Some of you know I had a severe, two-months-in-bed depression five years ago (can it be that long ago?). I'm convinced part of what got me there was my determination to "outrun" the depression, go-go-go, taking on more and more and trying to hold my pain at bay. I crashed so badly.

Last week, I lost my mom unexpectedly, and it's the Biggest Loss I've ever had. I am going very, very gently... resting a lot, allowing myself the big heaving cries one moment, and then realizing I'm feeling the simple joy of sun on my face an hour later, as I walk the dog. My emotions are all over the place, but I refuse to run from them.

We women are so "not good" at being kind to ourselves. But it's necessary at this stage. We HAVE to begin noticing, allowing our own physical and psychic humanity.

Thank you so much, Dor, for this excellent thread. (((BIG HUGS)))

JJ

JJ

Oh joliejacq, I am so, so sorry at the loss of your mother. I sometimes wonder how we handle these terrific, horrific losses. I loved your posting though. I loved how gentle you are being with yourself. I loved your huge, heaving cries, and then also to be able to feel the sun on your face as you walk your dog. I, too, love that my dogs are by my side. I love their unconditional love, their eyes, their feel. Thank you so much for your beautiful words and your beautiful post. My heart is with you, with all of you, as we learn, experience, feel, and heal from our losses.

Dor

Yes, that book is excellent, Dor!! Also, your post was very thoughtful and has had me thinking all day.

What I have found is you will mourn your losses one way or the other. You can do it at the time, or wait for it to rear it's ugly head, but either way we all must face the pain of losing what we loved, as you have pointed out. I personally think it's better at the time because you are dealing with the rawness of the loss. Waiting gets in your head, and by the time you start to grieve it's been compounded by other factors. But there is no right or wrong time. If we open our hearts without anger, and just pause long enough to reflect on the pain, and to do so without judgement, or blame we will begin to heal. Forgiveness and acceptance are true miracles. One has to really trust themselves in their feelings to mourn honestly.

Sometimes things are just sad, and unfair. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Nobody escapes loss. It happens to all of us.

(JJ- my prayers are still with you girlfriend!! XOXOXOX)

Thanks for you post, Dor... you reminded me of rational vs. emotional thinking. Something I have always struggled with.

Hi Dor:

What an awesome post. Thank you.

You have given me alot to think about as well. I guess I never thought about it like you and Leanne describe, in that we have to mourn our losses at some time. As everyone else has, I have had losses over my life that I have not bothered to focus on at any time much less then, too much else going on.

I have to wonder now if after having my son, the depression and anxiety I found myself was not the manifestation of the earlier losses in my life. I started peri about a year after he was born but had problems before that.

The losses I am thinking of are a lost childhood due to physical and sexual abuse for years. The loss of my grandparents who were an island of normalcy in my childhood. The loss of my mother who hates me with a passion rarely seen. The loss of three children before birth. The loss of the teen years because I worked two jobs and went to school to support myself once leaving a home that was never mine. The loss of a father who said I was not his child. There are others but those that pop into mind at the moment.

I am seeing a therapist now for a little over a year. She has shown me that things can come back to haunt us but I never realized how much I buried.

Again, thank you so much for posting this. I was touched by your words and as I said, you made me think. Now maybe it is easier to see where the tears come from when they show up out of the blue.

Hugs to you,
Jeaninne