Ladies I need help, desperately.
Could some one tell me why I am not like everyone else?
Where do I start!
My life is a total mess!
I don't do anything right, even though I think I have the best intentions.
There are so many things wrong........and I am all of them.
Marriage hopeless. We are together for economical reasons. My husband knows so, because he knows if we seperate we will both be in financial s***.
I know that too, but after 30 years, there is still this.........
No!!!!. To be honest, I know, and have known for over 20 years that I am living a lie.
But I am still trying to make things better.
Is it self loathing, low self esteem or just plain stupidity, stubborness or a need to feel loved and cared for!!!! All the things I need to feel at this time of life.
Or indeed what I have always needed to feel in the whole of my life, and never received.
Except the question is....Is it my fault?
Well it must be to some degree, except, I am feeling just like gutter trash. If I just owned up to the whole truth, and not been so needy and dependent, then of course I am to blame.
I have no friends.....even though I did before my marriage.
He didn't like them......so the inevitable happened. I put him before my friends. Why?
Did he offer me security and a life full of happiness, protecting and comforting me to the end?
I must be flawed to have accepted that.
I wish he could see I want the best for everyone.
But he sees this inconsistent person, determined, to make his life miserable.
I don't want that.
Not for anyone else for that matter.
But, there is that nagging feeling that I just am not a decent person.
My conscience is in turmoil.
He didn't want kids. He admits he wasn't ever interested in them.
After one, he would have gladly stopped.
I wanted three, but got two.
Now the tables have turned. We are grandparents to a lovely boy.
Except, even though I love him dearly, I just do not want to look after him. I don't know whether it is me, but he is constantly demanding and wanting attention. I feel he has been over stimulated, because he has every toy that has been manufactured, that he just does not know how to amuse himself.
I am constantly trying things to stop his whingeing, but it is a never ending battle. I just do not want to be challenged to keep him happy while his mum is at Uni.
This is four days a week and I just cannot cope.
My husband says that he will look after him, but one poohy nappy and he is handed straight to me to be changed.
When he his whining he is handed over to me because my husband doesn''t know what he wants.
I am exhausted, and have tried to think of anything or everything to make our lives run smoother.
I hate my life. And that's not even half of it.
Why can't I be a good wife, mother and especially why do I just not want to care for our lovely grandson.
I had this idyllic retirement planned, and it did not include looking after grand children.
I brought up our two children, but now I seem to be a freak for wanting the last part of my life to my self.
Sorry for the whinging, and I would totally understand if you were bored stiff trying to read this, that you just gave up.
I think I have given up on myself.

((((((BIG HUGS)))))...sorry you are feeling so down and mostly feeling so down on yourself....just remember,you can't change anyone else,but you can change and help yourself......know the best place to look for a helping hand?......at the end of your arm....


instead of finding so much fault in yourself,try to find and focus on the good qualities....start doing some things that make you happy......MAKE things change in your life instead of accepting them the way they are....










by the way,i'm real good at offering advice but not too good at following my own advice...i feel pretty much the same as you do....

mandi, you didnt' say how old you are, but i'm assuming that because you have been married 30 years, you are probably close to my age.

I understand EXACTLY how you must feel. I am not in the exact circumstances, but I had many of the same feelings you do when I reached somewhere around my early to mid 40's.

I would highly suggest you see a dr. whether it be a general practitioner or a mental health professional. It was not until I wrote down all of my symptoms and took it in to my dr. that I recieved the help that I needed.

I feel for you hon and I hope you get resolution very soon.

These are the last years of our lives and we really should be enjoying them as much as possible.

Take care and please keep us informed.

bev

Hello Mandi and Welcome to PS!

Please don't give up, I understand how uncertain things can be at this point in our lives! It seems that we seem to question everything and second guess ourselves at every turn. I"m not so sure the question should be why are you not like everyone else, but instead how can you be the best person that you can be! Everyone has their own trials and tribulations no matter how perfect things may appear on the outside!

It seems that after giving of yourself for all of these years, that you want and deserve some me time. My T told me a long time ago that it was okay to say "NO," and not feel guilty about it! Surely you deserve to be happy and live your life to its fullest! Sometimes we just have to take inventory, it seems particularly at this point in our lives, and decide what is making us happy and what isn't. We really need to get rid of (or start the process) those things that aren't bringing us the happiness that we need and deserve or learn to live with them and still find our own way! I'm not suggesting that you not spend time with your grandchild, but that you do that when you can so that you can fully enjoy the experience! Carve out some time to do the things that you enjoy and make you happy because life is too short to be unhappy, find some new friends that you can enjoy, with common interests...perhaps a new hobby or something. Take things slowly, one day at a time, and you'll get there!


Wishing you the best...

TJ

mandi...i tried to pm you but you have it disabled....can you enable it so i can send you a message?

Mandi, My first response to your post is to say that to post with your awareness is courageous. A brave person is one who is willing to "go there" even if it feels terrible. So, hold onto that. In that lies more strength and wisdom you can draw from. My second response is that it is never too late for anything. To be alive is to have opportunity, for growth, for change, for anything. I don't mean that to sound pollyanna-ish - I truly believe that is reality. What is life but a series of trying and learning and trying and learning and trying and learning and going on?

I think few people if any, have "it all" in however that is defined. I think too often we look at others and compare ourselves to what OUR PERCEPTIONS of them/their lives are. All we know is our selves, our own lives. You seem to be very aware of what your life is and is not -that's a starting place.

My 3rd response is to offer that good therapy (a great therapist and a willingness on the client's part) is a powerful and supportive combination for new insights, opportunties and happiness. I have a wonderful therapist and am so grateful for what that expereince has and continues to bring to my life. I knew what I wanted in a therapist and what I wanted to work on and I made sure I found the right person. Again, it's been a godsend in my life.

Also, I have found that blaming myself for stupid things I've done (even repeatedly stupid things I've done) gets me nowhere. Instead, I try to identify what I've done and then see what contributed to that - what was I really feeling, really wanting or needing and then "go from there" ... for me - knowing/understanding helps me to have and take the opportunity to do things differently.

There is nothing wrong with wanting and desiring your own life. In fact, I think that's very courageous to realize you have a life to make and have. One of the most powerful things my therapist had me do was to look in the mirror every day and say "This is my life" and to say it with different emphasis on each word each time: THIS is my life. This IS my life. This is MY life. This is my LIFE. It helped it to resonate in me and I realized I did own my life - and that meant I had choices - not always easy or pretty or the ones I would have liked - but choices. And by taking the courage to choose them, my life became my own and it is far richer and far happier and far more "real" that I could have ever imagined it to be.

So, I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Have mercy on yourself. And start to walk down YOUR path - small steps if need be. And get a good supportive person to help you along the way. I wish you well, kathleent

Please tell me how to enable my pm.
I told you I am a success at being a failure.
Can't even operate a computer.

moonlight
I CANNOT SEND YOU A MESSAGE BECAUSE IT COMES UP WITH 'YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE THE MESSAGE FEATURE ON THIS BOARD.'
what the heck do I do. I am useless. TOTALLLY.

I'm in a rut too!!!
I hate how things are going or not going?

Just tried opening up to a old friend but she pretty much told me to s*ck it up and move on with life!

SNOWMOON
If she told you to s*ck up and move on with life she is INDEED an old friend. It hurts big time thought does'nt it.

I can't even work out how to use live chat. You must all think I am useless. What do I do? If your computer illiterate then that just shows how good you are at being a failure.

Don't be so hard on yourself.At least you're able to use a computer,come to this website and post....my hubby doesn't even know how to turn one on..
to enable pm...click on where it says "my controls"....then look at the list to the left of the page...click on "board settings" under where it says options.... to the right it will then say "personal messenger options"....change it to "no" and then click on "change my account options"....then you should be good to go....

My e-mail address has changed and I can't even do that?

Please someone answer me.

here's a cyber smack.....quit putting yourself down....i don't consider my hubby useless or a failure because he's computer illiterate....i went to a free class at the local library when i first got my computer so that i could learn how to use it.All you gotta do is google "how to use a computer" and you'll learn everything you need to know....

O.K. This is my new e-mail chodmundley@yahoo.com.au. WHAT THE HECK.

mandi...you should read my post entitled "i am co-dependent" ....if you click on "view new posts" it should come up.

I would like to thank you to enable me to respond, but I am hopeless.

TIDALWAVES. Thanks for the advice of seeing mental professionals, but I have been there and done that and I cannot afford any more money to find someone decent. But then again maybe it's me. I am a total write off. There is something wrong with me when I have spent a fortune on professionals and I come away after months of therapy feeling ripped off.

MOOMLIGHT. I have no good things that make me happy enough to offset the rotten things. But thanks anyway. I am just in survival mode at the moment.

SKEEWEEAKA. Been there and done that but still hubby manages to make me feel guilty for saying NO. I get the wrath from god for asking something for myself.

KATHLEEN> My husband has a perception of me and if I do not meet it I pay for it. I am so weary of trying to find the right therapist. I try to think of good things, but my husband belittles me. Have done the mirror talking but what my husband says wins, as it is 100 tiimes more powerful than what I tell myself.

I told you it is my fault. I have done all these things, but I still feel that I am some muck my husband has trodden in.

did you find this?

mandi- sometimes we need to recoil, and just lick our wounds. I hope you're able to sort this out in time. It took awhile for you to feel this way, I doubt you're going to get out of it with the snap of your fingers (and I know you KNOW that)

Take some time for yourself if possible, and sort it out one by one. You're picture is sooo big right now that you're overwhelmed. Keep with the little picture right now, and try to manage what you can when you can. Baby steps....

I'm wishing the very best for you (((((((mandi))))))

MOONLIGHT.

If I could quit putting myself down, don't you think I would have done it. My husband has had a big help in this...So for just one of his put downs, then it would take 100 people to even start to put it right.

Leanne thanks, I know I am overwhelmed and the picture is too big, but what is the little picture. I can't do baby steps simply because my husband will not allow. He does not allow being perimenopausal and even my daughter thinks women should just get over it. But she is 23 and either stubborn or .......I don't know anymore, I have tried discussing this with them all. It doesn't mean any difference, I just have to be stoical and just put up with it. No one allows me to be me. I have to be a wife, a mother and grandmother. Me does not exist anymore. Anyway who is me?

I'm sorry that you're having a diffficult time finding a good therapist Mandi. As Moonlight suggested, there is a codependent thread based on the book Codependent No More (perhaps you can get that) that you can surely take a look at that can possibly help you on your journey. Sometimes, when everything seems so out of control, all we can do is survive, I understand! You, however, are more than a wife, mother, and grandmother but it's something that only you can figure out! Yes, it takes time, a lot of time, but you're worth it...we all are worth it!

Please try to find something positive about yourself, you took the first step and found others who will be happy to support you in your journey!


Good Luck to you...

TJ

[Please Ladies
I got on this sight earlier on and there was a message in a box. I could only read a couple of sentences and no more and I would like to know who this person was. All I know is she lives in Sydney. Can anyone let me know who this might be and how I can contact her. Can I retrieve her message somehow? I have tried clicking on everybox but seem to have lost her. There must be a way of retrieving what she said.
I really am struggling with this site and just how complicated it is. I open things up and have no idea what it means. All I can do is type on the message boards, and I feel so frustrated and inadequate. It is so complicated.

Can anyone kindly help me.

Dear'mandi'
I could have written your letter except for a few minor details.I feel your pain and that state of utter helplesness which just makes the smallest task overwhelming.I am not great at using Computers either, just kind of muddle along whilst my eldest son gives a long and desperate sigh when I try to explain any difficulties I may be having!

I too got married very young.Had been the victim of sexual abuse and rape so I think I married my husband for safety.He is kind but very bossy and overbearing,although this has definitely improved since I separated from him for a year.I love him as the father of my children but have never been 'in love',whatever that means.We are still together as a Divorce here in The Middle East is very difficult to get.

I was Menopausal at a very young age so took the HRT,plus Prozac for depression ans Xanax for high anxiety.I decided,almost twenty years later to slowly wean off everything and give my body only natural herbs etc.What a disaster!I felt as if I were going mad-I probably was.During this time my son had his baby boy my first grandchild.God forgive me I had such an aversion to the little soul.I did not want to be left alone with him as had fantasies of hurting him.

It was really dreadful.Went back to the Psychiatrist who put me back on Prozac 10 mgs gradually increasing to 20mgs along with Xanax for use as needed,as anxiety is very hightened when using an AD.Then it was off to the Gyno.to get me back on HRT.He was not amused and wanted me to continue without them.Eventually after a full battery of Tests etc.he reluctantly gave me back my prescription.

One year later I am back to my old self.I can enjoy all three of my grandchildren though,truth be told,am pass the stage of full time baby sitter.So see them when I like and have them over to play for a couple of hours..

Sorry for rambling but wanted you to know that things that are so very bad can get better.Get yourself off to your Doctor and tell him everything you have written here.

Quality of life is something we are all entitled to and you are existing not living.

My hotmail is conroyelizabeth@hotmail.com.So if you ever like to write am here for you.

Warm Hugs
Elizabeth

Hi mandi that was me gizzie i tried to send you a pm.. Ok love my email address is pamduffy55@hotmail.com.. Now if you are still reading boards pls email me..

elizabeth been meaning to get back to you will email you soon..

Sorry that is pamduffy56@hotmail.com go to my profile and I have two email address click on gizzie and all imfo will come up Ok...

Sorry that is pamduffy56@hotmail.com go to my profile and I have two email address click on gizzie and all imfo will come up Ok...

Sorry....sounds like you are in an abusive relationship and have a very controlling husband.I really think you would benefit from reading the co-dependent no more book or just google codependency.....just understanding what's going on is a step in the right direction.

I AGREE WITH MOONLIGHT 1000%!!!

Having been there myself for FAR FAR FAR too long (ONE day is FAR too long), it is quite obvious!!

What a sad situation.

Kathleen sweetheart

What a wonderfully, wise, knowledgeable and insightful person you are. If only I had half those capabilities.

I'm sorry, I mean to continue but I am so overwhelmed and tearful at the moment, I will need to reply again. Sorry.

Cheers
Mandi

Please ladies can you help.

My husband has decided that we should part.

He really does not want me and thinks the monetery deprivation is worth it.

We are telling our daughter tomorrow.

How is our grandson to be brought up. He already has 3 grandmothers and grandfathers. The poor little mite, has nonnos, omas and opas as well as nan.

The fabric of our society has broken down, and I can't deal with it.

He does not deserve this.

What are we doing to our future generation?

They do not deserve this.

Some multiculturals are so dictatoral, that countries identities are being lost.

There are Sudanese here driving $30,000 plus cars, that we everyday folk can't afford.

If they are refugees then how can they afford them.

These governments should provide these genuinely deprived countries with money to improve their country so they can live there cultures and beliefs with pride and prosperity within themselves.

I know they do mix here.

I also know some shools in England just do not speak English.

Is this a power struggle?

If these countries accept them from peprivation, then they should intergrate with the country that has accepted them, graciously.

I personally wish we could all get on, but there are so many beliefs and traditions, that some people believe theirs are more superior, and this is causing unrest.

Finished for today. Probably stirred up some heated debates, but I follow the Aussie and U.k. news. It is not good, especially for the U.K.

I just wish my grandson did not have to live through this distress in this world. He is so pure and innocent at the momentl. I so wish he could stay that way.

Mandi

Maybe parting with your husband is a good thing and will allow you to start a fresh,new life.As far as your grandson is concerned,it's much healthier for him to not be around all the fighting and stress between you and your husband anyway.Good luck to you...

Thankyou Moonlight

I really must point out that that at no time has there been or ever will be fighting in front of our grandson. There is no fighting between us. We are both dearly in love with our grandson, and when he is with us he knows he is loved by us both. We are adult enough to realise where priorities lie regarding our grandson.

Cheers
Mandi

Dear Mandi
I know how much you have been going through as I read all your Posts.Sometimes a separation can be a good thing but only if both of you feel that it is what you want.Do you think counselling might help?

I wish you luck and hope you find some peace.

All the best
Elizabeth

I am so sorry things are getting more stressful for you. I sent this to you and just wanted to send it again. This is how you deserve to be treated. Hopefully one day you will be able to communicate this to him and work things out, or not.

Why does he feel the need to drag me around the house by my hair? Am I that horrible?

is there room for one more on the pity train !!! save me a seat !!!

Dear'mandi'
If he has reached the stage of dragging you around by the hair you need to get out of there and quick. His behaviour towards you is cruel and degrading.
Have you any friends or family you could stay with till you get yourself together?
Please make a plan and get out before he really hurts you badly.

Keep us Posted
God Bless
Elizabeth

Keep talking to us, we care!

Okay, Mandi, really that is dangerous! Please find a safe place to go, please!


TJ

I agree with SKEEWEEKA, I am concerned for you.