Hi All

Thanks for the web page Dearest. My wife is going through peri and has lost all interest in doing almost anything. she is tired all the time and going through most of the 34 symptoms. She has completely lost interest in any kind of contact with me but can still hug when I ask for one. I have been helping as much as possible but find it very hard with out any kind of affection say for the occasional hug. I have been doing most of the house work dinner etc. I just hope to find out if there is any light at the end of this tunnel. She just tells me she doesn't know whats going on. This has become the most frustrating time I have ever gone through. It is like losing the love of my life yet she is right there.

Hang in there...hang in there...hang in there! It sounds like she has the foggy/surreal symptom. There are a lot of posts where this is a major symptom. I know it's hard to understand but it's like you're alive but can't seem to FEEL like you're living, you're just being. It's hard to connect with anyone when you feel like this. You don't even know you're being distant to others until they bring it to your attention. It's great to see someone who's trying to understand what a loved one is going through. You seem to want to understand so why not go to the gynecologist with her and see what can help. See if she will get on this site and see that others are going through the same thing. She will also learn a lot about how she's feeling, get comfort, get suggestions and just whine if she wants (and so can you).

KUDOS TO YOU!!!

Thanks Surreallife. I am in this for the long haul but sure gets frustrating. My wife is 47 and I guess she has been going through symptoms for a few years now however it has been the last 4 months since things have got'en really bad. I have been telling her that there is stuff out there which can help and have sent her the link to this web site but anything I do seems to strike a cord with her as she doesn't want to take anything. I have found that I just have to go with winds of change and hope that there is room for me at the end of all this. It is a terrible feeling for the us men, and I guess I can't imagine what this whole ordeal is like for the women out there but I am trying to understand as best as possible.

hi... I am sorry you are going through this, you sound like you cherish your marraige. Your wife is very lucky.
I am 47 and all my peri symptoms started at 41. I had a hysterectomy a year and a half ago and it has helped alot. But i am a very changed person, for the better. I am more secure, more clear and suffer fools no longer!
I would recommend finding something you are passionate about, a goal or hobby to distract you And maybe to inspire your wife. Ask your higher self to show you a sign ....which direction to go .

I hear you. I think the hardest part is that what we have learned and come to know as easy comfortable patterns no longer work. I think that we are torn out of our comfort zone and into a new world at home is very disconcerting. So, what to do. One thing is to complain and "make" her be "normal" again. That's blow up in your face...I'm just kidding. So what you will find is you need to be flexible and you need, as Onika said, get yourself things to do that fulfil your life. I could not believe how much we started doing separately, but ultimately she figured out her stuff and was able to pass through the few years of the worst and now we are pretty settled.

Take care of yourself, she's busy working on this and doesn't need to feel she has a needy man hanging on her. A few tips. Little touches are likely to get annoying to her, yeah those things she used to love. Don't touch/grab sensitive areas on her body. There will probably be painful areas too, sore muscles, joints, etc. Be aware and be loving. You'll get through it, just ask your higher self (again as Onika said). This is my first encounter directly with Onika and I find myself in full agreement...

Hi! i really suggest that your wife see her dr. her dr could help with all this. I had to see my dr today and I hate it, but it is survival in peri for me.

Sounds to me like you wife needs to get on an Anti
Depressant.

Peri is a lousy time. My husband didnt understand at first, but he has come to understand so much more as the years go by.

EXCELLENT post, RegGuy!! Wow... a man that GETS IT.. so refreshing!! Good for you!!

ftrsore- hang in there. Yes, things are changing, but with change comes growth. Don't give up on her. She'll find her way. Remember... what doesn't kill us makes us stronger

Onika, and RegGuy Thanks for the words of wisdom. I am really trying hard at all this but sometimes it just doen't seem worth it as I don't get the feeling that my wife could careless, however she says she wants me to stay with her. With summer coming I should be able to get into the golf club building and take my mind off some of this.
I guess one of the hardest things is thinking this could now last for years and things may not get any better because she feels ok with the way everything is now and I don't think I can go on like this for years and years feeling fine about not having any kind of intimate contact again. I guess time will tell. i just wish she would look at what is available out there to help her through this. Again time will tell.

Thanks

ftrsore,

About the only solace I can offer is that you are not alone.

Everything you have written could just have easily come from me ... and most of the guys who post here.

You'll hear a lot here about understanding. Rightfully so. But understand this from someone who has read and studied enough on perimenopause in the past couple of years to qualify for a PhD that understanding is nowhere near enough.

Understand also that the more you learn about this, the more frustrating it will become, especially if denial is a frequent visitor to your wife's symptoms list.

Understand that doctors don't have all the answers either. Pick a thread here at random and chances are one of the women will have a story about inept or ineffective treatment. It's been my experience that health care professionals in our area don't consider perimenopause a serious condition. Perhaps if they had to go through it themselves, things might be different.

I'm probably the last one to being giving advice as all of my efforts have proved to be utter disasters. I could perhaps suggest a rather lengthy list of what NOT to do.

Here's hoping you're stronger than I turned out to be and that your situation turns out better than mine did.

best of luck brother

Hi ftrsore,

Welcome to PS club for men! RegGuy has offered you excellent advice which I can add to. I can relate to your situation because my marriage has been like this for a few years now. It has been difficult for me too, but over time I adjusted my attitude and behavior and now things are much better.

The first thing I had to learn was that my wife's changes were/are not about me, and not to take it personally! For the first year I found myself in an insecure, self-pity, needy mode that pushed her away even more. I learned that this stupid attitude of mine was counter-productive and put extra stress and pressure on her. I needed to grow up!

Without pulling away from her emotionally, I re-visited some of my old hobbies and started exercising on a regular basis. Basically I found me again! I am now much more confident and self-assured, and I know that my wife has noticed this, and she is now more comfortable around me because she does not feel any pressure to reassure me.

I know how hard these changes are, and I know that the reduction of intimacy is hard to deal with, but many women here have indicated that the desire does usually return, but it could take a few years. Just try to put the intimacy on hold for a while, but continue to be her best friend and offer whatever love and support you can. Find yourself again and don't let the lack of intimacy degrade your self-esteem - you did not cause her loss of desire, biology did!

Hang in there and continue to post here. This forum has been an excellent source of information and support for me, and I'm sure you will find the same.

Take care,

B

Thanks for the great advice I have started my exercise program again and dropped 15 pounds back to my 185 hope to keep it going and get back to my high school wieght of 165. I have reliased that it is me that has to do some of my own self examination and learn to live and have fun again. This whole thing has started to get easier. I do last about 4-5 day then I get an idea about something and bring it up again with the wife and that is like taking 2 steps back instead of forward. If I can just leave well enough alone I would be ok. I have noticed that my love for my wife has not weaverd, and I have come to the understanding that my wife still loves me very much. It is that male brain thing that I have to repress a little more and i'm sure all will be well. I am very glad I found this site because it has helped a great deal. When ever I get a little depressed I come on and read more and see that this is all a phase of life and I have to perserver as it will get better. (I sure hope so).

Again Thanks for the comment and words of encouragement.

I think the hardest part of living with the woman you love who is in perimenopause is that it creeps up on your and her at first and then finally the switch goes off. It's us men that notice the lack of sex first. Often it's WTF, is she cheating on me? Then there might be a backing away of caring about you. That starts to hurt and if you are really fortunate, there's the rage. I was lucky in that my wife only got really angry at me a few times. But the in-between anger was at a slow simmer 24x7. I felt like if I didn't pay 100% attention to what she said, did, looked at, etc. she'd snap at me.

Based upon that, giving her space (suggested here a dozen or more times) and doing things for myself made a world of difference. What happened was my wife was less angry, thus she felt better. My wife started doing things that made her feel better. I stopped suggesting things and stayed out of the way. All this lead to her moving a little closer.

Things are not like they were before, but they are much better than through the struggle. My struggle almost came to a head in 2005 when I was told we were through and divorce looked like the answer. To tell the truth, I don't know how we stayed together or what happened. I think that was when I chose to go my own way on things and seek out my own happiness. It is now almost four years later and things have gotten to the point my wife doesn't ever act or say a thing about being separate. Indeed we are speaking about our retirement plans and where we'd like to live when we retire.

So, as a man who ended up divorced once because of a perimenopause caused split, I strongly suggest you hang out and see this through if you can. It sounds as if you are willing to at least look at problems and potential solutions.

Last suggestion, if you get angry, let it go, walk away, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.

I sure hear what you are saying. I let the man brain out again yesterday, and oh am I paying for it. It is the walking away thing that has me getting myself in trouble. I still have a hard time getting it in my head that women can just turn off of anything intimate as if it did not exist. I do still get hugs this is my only solace. Change a few hormone levels and puff what you knew as normal is gone as if it never mattered. I can hardly wait for golf season to open I hope that will give me the outlet I need.

Thanks for the replies

Hi again ftrsore,

I know exactly how you feel - it is hard to accept because your libido has not changed, right?

Just keep trying, don't take any of the changes personally, and you will find each day easier. Also, remember that your wife did not voluntarily just turn off her libido, it just happens during this phase, so it is not her fault. Don't say anything that is intended to make her feel guilty about the lack of intimacy - it will not work.

Golf season will soon be here! Read some golf books, clean your clubs, etc. Just remember - when golf season does come, make sure that you don't spend too much time away from your wife. She still needs you emotionally, so be there for her when she needs you. Its all about balance!

Hugs to you ftrsore. I have to say that we can be somewhat unpredictable and standoffish. The last thing we feel like being whilst in the throes of our changes is intimate. Although it is probably one of the best things for us.

Peace,
Suzanne

Thanks for the all the words of help and advice.
Bladeruner you are so right with the guilty thing. I say stuff that is not intended to make my wife take it as guilty but to try and get some conversation going but I sure blow it sometimes.
Suzanne I think you are right it would be good for us both but as you say it is the last thing you want. I just find it all becoming a big spiral. i want the feeling of bonding and my wife says she just doesn't need it right now and we carry on great until I bring it back up again, I know I have to stop doing this but it sure can be hard. It is like living with a stranger at times. I do wish I was able to feel the same way my wife is and this would be ok, and we could carry on as if all was good and normal. Well I guess I have to try letting go again and wait out the storm.

Thanks Again

Gosh I'm so sorry that you feel that you have lost the love of your life! You are a good man and she is a good woman but hormonal chaos has set in and she is just foundering right now. Perhaps you can speak to her about getting her hormones tested because depending on the symptoms they could last for a long time. Yes some women experience it for a short time, but others for much longer and if you want your wife back then perhaps you could gingerly guide her toward getting the help that she needs and deserves!

A male friend of mine is going through the same thing with his wife and I suggested the testing that she needs and he is trying to get her to follow through. He's doing all of the house work as well, him and his small son and is quite confused because she was a very strong and independent woman. He's really down about it and says that she simply won't respond! Please do as much as you can right now to show up that you love her and that she is still important to you! I personally would suggest hormone replacement therapy, unless she chooses not to, but there are other alternatives that can make her feel better and give her a better quality of life!


Best of luck to you and your dear wife!

TJ

Hi again. I have felt exactly like you have described - the reduction of intimacy would make me feel alone and insecure, and I would want to talk to make ME feel better. Too often it was all about making me feel better, talking with her hoping that she would see how it was affecting our sex life, and maybe she would respond. By approaching the issue with this "I feel insecure because of your low libido" attitude only made matters worse, and she would feel guilty.

With time, and help here, I have been able to change my attitude, and you will be able to as well. For me, I had to change my response to her lack of libido. I had to learn that it is not her responsibility to help me with my insecurities, it is up to me, and that pressuring her for intimacy is not the answer. I had to learn not to sulk and withdraw because of the changes, just get over myself and help her with the changes she is going through. Don't get me wrong - I have always cared deeply about her but I allowed myself to get too caught up in how the lack of intimacy made ME feel. Don't feel bad about this, it is a normal reaction to the changes, but with time and focus, you will be able to adjust your reaction too.

Don't let the changes affect your self-esteem. Look after yourself and do things that make you feel good. Don't withdraw because of the changes, but take all this as an opportunity to grow closer with your wife on an emotional level. She needs you more than ever - just be there for her.

In our case, I have tried to gently suggest that she should see her doctor for help (and gave her a good book on the subject) but she is still in denial about peri, so I have learned not to suggest it anymore, and just let her come to the realization on her own. Tread carefully Ftrsore!

Hang in there. Reconnect with her emotionally and your relationship will strengthen.

I don't want to harp on this, but I think it is worth repeating. This will end. It may take several years, but it does end. If you want to be in a relationship, it is well worth the effort going through this. Not in contradiction with Bladerunner, but this is about YOU. It is about you and your relationship with your wife. It's in a transition right now and one that will require you to integrate your life differently with her for the time being. I can all but assure you the moment you back off and give her a ton of space, she'll come looking for you. It'll be like "Hey, where'd you go?" It's not to make her insecure, rather to allow her to have the space to realize she really does want you around and to give her the space to WANT you around.

This time is a real mind bender and truly at times doesn't feel like it's worth it. We are such a quick fix people these days. Give me a drug to fix this. Let me get a divorce and find a new wife, I guess we really aren't compatible, etc. But, stick it out and you will probably be rewarded with your wife on the other end. You'll both be stronger and more connected. My wife asks me to help her with things she would never have trusted me to be part of. We are meno-buddies as well as husband and wife.

I think something else that is so very helpful is to have at least one older woman who's already passed through the entire process as a trusted source of information. My wife had a few such women and they also knew me for a while. They were very helpful in letting my wife know that I'm truly not the monster I suddenly seemed to be. Rather that she found certain things about how I lived my life intolerable and that asking me to change was fine. However just yelling at me wasn't going to accomplish that goal.

I think my short list of dos and don'ts would be:

Do walk away from an argument. Perhaps say I'm sorry and just leave it at that.
Don't argue with your wife over her perceptions of you or other things. Just accept them as her perceptions and leave it at that.
Do complement her, simply and leave it at that.
Don't push the complements when she disagrees. She sees herself very differently now.
Do ask for sex now and then, but accept rejection gracefully.
Don't whine about the lack of sex.
Do start focusing on your interests outside the house.
Don't complain about your wife's external interests.
Do pick up some household chores your wife would normally do.
Don't complain about having to do more household chores.
Do love her through this.

What scares me most, is how the peri symptoms, ie no sex drive, just crept up on me. Its confusing enough for my BF & its really baffling to me. I feel guilty about not being the same where intimacy is concerned, but its out of my control for now. It is upsetting when you have no control over the physical changes & mood swings. Its going to happen. You can take some medications, but it is scary to feel these changes & look in the mirror & see the changes. It stinks. My bf is extremely understanding thank goodness. But I want to feel those "urges" again. It hurts not to. It has nothing to do with him as a person. Its just that I feel like a former shell of myself. I know men in relationships must feel rejected by the women in their lives. But its not the case, at least with me. Its a helpless feeling. Sorry for the pity party

With my wife the slow creeping in of the low libido ultimately became how she viewed what is "right." As in why sex at all? I think with time the fact that the desire is not there, memories fade and there seems no need. Indeed, was there ever a desire at all? The good news is she still enjoys it, but she has no internal drive to seek it out. She uses a schedule to keep track. I think it's important to her again, but just not the physical drive. If that makes sense.

It does make sence, I would like to be at that point. Right now I will just wait out the storm and let everything pass and let her come back in that way to me.

Thanks for your advice it has helped a great deal and is easy to see you have gone through much the same thing I am going through right now. I do Love my wife so much but it is trying times, it is much easier when I stop thinking about it and have something to occupy my time and just stay out of her way, then ask for the occassional hug and hold her tight. She seems much more responsive to that then carries on with her things. Like they say it is what it is and I am progressing to the point of accepting it. It has got'en easier but I do slip up at times. I truly hope it doesn't last much longer but that to is what it is.

Take care

Thanks for the reply. It helps to read what it is like for the women out there. You have discribed much the same feeling my wife try's to explain, she says she feels nothing and is just trying to get an identity back. It is good to get the respone back from another woman as to these feels as it sure helps me see that this is a comman thing and happening to many other women.

Thanks

Thanks for the list I will put it all to good use

Thanks Bladerunner

What you have said is so true. I am really trying and have come a long way from the onset of this. It sure surpised me at how fast this phase all set in and really caught me off guard. She has been building to this point and for us it is just bang like getting hit with a ton of bricks. I went and am still going through all the issues you have mentioned but I too can and will carry on with all be it a forced smile at times but a smile and open heart for the love of my life.

Thanks