I ALWAYS -- from the time I was a child -- knew I didn't want children, and I have stuck by that. Even this late in the game I feel like I've made the right choice. Things that have happened in my life -- particularly financial problems -- would have been unimaginable with children. But it's still very strange to know that I am at the end of my reproductive years. Before it was my "choice" to not have children. Now that choice is being taken away from me. I don't think I would change my mind, but still...anybody else feel this way? I think what brought this on is my brother's new grandson -- he's 6 months old now. I've never enjoyed being around babies, as to me they seemed more messy and noisy than cute. I am having more fun with him than I ever had with another child. What's up with all this? What am I experiencing -- motherhood or "grandma"hood? Is this why people love to be grandparents?

We too are childless by choice. I do know what you mean though with having a bit of an urge. I had it when my sister was carrying her second child, but it soon left. I also had to really think twice when I was deciding to get my tubes tied at the age of 43!! Don't know why I had to think about it, I had already decided I didn't want kids.
I think its something we all go through no matter what our choice has been.

Hey, enjoy the time with the little one. He might be your brothers grandson, but he's still part of the family!!...so enjoy!!

jes

I was happy to see this. I too am childless by choice. I knew early on I was not cut out for motherhood. I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever with my decision & have a ton of admiration for those who have children & can handle the lifestyle. I had my tubes tied at 45 after begging my doc to refer me to someone for 10 yrs. She wanted to make sure I was making the right choice. I have nieces & nephews I can spend time with when I want, & then come home to my own home, cats & dog. I am completely fulfilled as a woman.

I too know my choice was completely correct.

Something interesting I've discovered in a related vein...I have several friends of around my age who also have decided not to have children. It was so common that I began to wonder how many women our mothers' generation and older would have forgone having children had they had the choice. I have since spoken to quite a few older women (65+), and while most of them wanted to be mamas their whole lives, several said had their options been different they may NOT have had children.

Wow, I am glad to see this thread. I am also childfree by choice for several reasons...and it looks like I am not alone here.

I think our life styles these days have a lot to do with our choices about a family. Its not the same as it was back when our parents were going through the working life. These days it takes both to work in order to afford having the family. My hubby and I often touched based on the subject as time went on, we both agreed that if we did have a child that we would want me at home. It really didn't seem manageable.
Plus, I really don't think we were cut out to be mom and dad, we're more of aunt and uncle too. We are very close with our nephews and they know they can come to us and talk to us about anything. I wouldn't trade that kind of love for anything in the world. Plus, their parents are very glad the guys have someone they trust to turn to when they don't want to talk to mom and dad about their problems.
Yes, I have made the correct choice for me too, and I too admire all those parents out there and their patience to raise their children!!!

jes

I just have to pop in here and say how much I respect woman (and men!) who recognize that we all take different paths, and being a parent isn't for everybody. I know way too many people who shouldn't have had children but did just because they felt it was expected of them. Not a good reason..... I think you ladies are wonderful roll models for your nieces and nephews, and other children in your lives.

and YES, the thing so appealing to me about "grandma hood" is you can love them to death and then GIVE THEM BACK

I think it's okay to not want children. If you're single, people often ask when you're getting married OR "isn't it time you settled down my boy" As soon as the honeymoon period is over they ask "do we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet?"

I'm glad I had my children - A BOY AND A GIRL who have bought me absolute joy, but being a parent can be very hard work and sometimes painful, especially when they leave home I wish I'd had more children - I would have loved a "Walton Family" I'm grateful for what I do have though.

Hi guys:

Count me as one of you "childfree" women who has no regrets - I have always courted the "stress free, carefree life" and according to one friend of mine who has two kids - "when you have children you WORRY ALL THE TIME" - that is my idea of hell on earth - my decision to remain childless was informed by all those bitter, tired women that I met in my 20s and 30s who told me (in confidence, because it is a taboo subject) that if they had to do it all over again they would never have had children - they spoke of the long and heavy responsibility of taking care of children and also the terror of something happening to their children - so being the wise woman I was (even at 22) I chose not to have children - Having said that I do think that for a lot of women children are life's greatest pleasure - but it is not for everybody and women who run around telling other women to have children should think about that - I do realize that I may have denied myself the wonderful love of children, but I have never been insecure about love - I have been loved a lot on this earth by by parents, sister, lovers and husbands - maybe in the future we may adopt, but for right now I am enjoying my life ...

Take care

Lara Falcon

Dear Ladies
It is so interesting reading all the varying points of view of remaining childless by choice.
Wise are those who really do not feel cut out to be a parent.The responsibility is overwhelming and the rewards great.
My son and his wife are childless by choice.They are two loving and caring people but have jointly decided children are not just for them
I respect their choice.They have two lovely white,blue eyed cats that are the loves of their lives and that is o.k.

They appear totally devoted to each other and share many interests in common.I have three grand children by my other two two children.I love them dearly but am quite ready to hand them back to their parents after a few hours!

To be frank with you all some of the greatest battles I have with my husband,till now,are over the children.Of course they are grown men and women but if something goes wrong it is 'My Fault!"Quite an interesting statement when I have an open and loving relationship with all three.

Good Luck and happiness to all whether childless or not.

God Bless
Elizabeth

I have no regrets at all. I recently met a gentleman online. We met in person for our first date a few weeks back. He will be 51 in July. He tells me he has 4 kids, ages 14 to ONE YEAR! My mind went immediately into calculations about how old he will be when his youngest child graduates high school, college, gets married etc., if he lives long enough to see all those milestones. And how unfair to the child to potentially lose your father when you are in high school. I was the child of older parents, my Dad died when I was 16. Sorry, I kind of wandered with that thought. I then remembered how hard I had worked to remain childless out of choice, and how, at this time in my life, the last thing I want is to be tied down with a child. No, I don't have any regrets. And as for the gentleman, the one year old was a deal breaker for me.

I was only able to have one. At the time, having a baby was the furthest thing on my mind, but it happened and I am so grateful now that it did. Truthfully, though, I don't think I could have dealt with more than one. One more at most. I look at all these young moms now with three and four and know what's ahead for them. No thanks!

Hey guys:

Reading through the replies I am surprised that more women (who have had children) have not refuted what we have written about being childless by choice saying "OMG having children is the best thing on earth" - surprising isn't - considering how many women have children - I don't think it has anything to do with finances - even rich women like Madonna -(who can afford a hundred nannies) has gone on record to say that children are the "most emotionally exhausting" thing you can do to yourself - also one of my favorite authors - Anne Tyler said that in one of her books - I think it was "Breathing Lessons" - that having children is very emotionally exhausting and when all is said and done not really worth the trouble. Again - having said that, I do think and know (my sister's case in point) that children bring a lot of pleasure to women - but it depends on the kind of woman you are - the trick is "knowing who you are" - I make a wonderful doting Aunt, but the overwhelming responsibility of taking care of children and then again worrying about them would do me in - my sister told me many years ago not to have children - I asked her why and she said I know you very well - it would not bring you the satisfaction that you think it would - My sister and me are very close -I sometimes think she loves me more than her children - so if it was that great to have kids - she would have told me "look having kids is not easy but its one thing in life you should not miss" and she didn't - to this day she tells me I have not missed anything wonderful - even though she adores her son - and a lot of other women have said the same to me -

Well I think the reason that women with children haven't felt they needed to refute what anyone says (or I haven't anyway) is due to the recognition that all adults are responsible for their choices and most people make the choices that are right for them. As you say, the trick is knowing who you are and choosing accordingly. I would have felt there was something missing had I not become a mother. When my son reached the age of 18, I felt that bringing him up was the most fulfilling thing I'd ever done.

In my early thirties I suddenly experienced a huge urge to have a child, something that was so powerful that at the time I could only describe it as a biological drive. Equally however, I have a friend who's never experienced the slightest urge to have children, has always known that and now, in her forties, still feels that way and is perfectly happy with her life and choices. It's a matter of recognising individual differences I think and accepting that people's choices reflect those differences. Every choice involves rejecting an alternative and there are many choices throughout life - we've all missed out on some life experiences simply by the act of choosing.

Where the parent/child relationship again becomes significant I think (or can) is when parents become elderly. I'm an only child, my mother is 87 in a few days, widowed and still living independently. If she didn't have me and her adult grandson (my son) I don't know how she'd be managing.

When women like Anne Tyler say that having children was not worth the trouble, I wonder how that makes her children feel. For my part it was very much worth the trouble. It was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I still have a great relationship with my adult son. He brings so much that is positive to life.

Just the opposite from this mother of three!! It's all about choice. If you don't want them for petesake don't have them!!

I think this is the reason many women refrain from saying that it was really not worth the trouble - because it will hurt the children - also a lot of women say that once you have your children, they are there forever in your life and "you can't take them back to the store" - so you love them - but a lot say that if they didn't have them they would not have missed them - I'm really glad you have your son - conversely I really feel sorry for women who regret not having children when they are in their 50's or 60's - now that is really sad - as for me even if I grow to regret not having children, I know that I could have put up with the responsibility and worry that comes with the package - I don't know about other women but for it would be a high price to pay - especially since I did not have the baby hunger that a lot of women have -

This is interesting to me as well, in light of the number of women who have practically condemned me to roasting eternally in hell for not wanting children.

This is interesting to me as well, in light of the number of women who have practically condemned me to roasting eternally in hell for not wanting children.

We've actually had someone to tell us that we were being selfish by not wanting to have kids. What's up with that, geeesssshhhh!!!!
Then we were asked who was gonna take care of us when we're old and can't take care of ourselves. My husband answered that if that was the only reason that person had his kids for then he was being selfish. My husband had already been a situation of having to sort of take care of his dad and he said he wouldn't want to put any kid of ours through that!!!
I applauded him for standing up for us like that!!!!!

I don't know why I clicked on this topic as I am not 'childless'...curiosity, I guess! I'm sure there will always be some women that will later regret not having children when they were able...and women that probably shouldn't have had children but felt pressured into a lifestyle they didn't really want. But I would hope most women know deep down what they want out of life and trust their instincts.

As for me, I cannot imagine that mother who felt raising her children wasn't worth the trouble in the end - how very sad! I cannot begin to describe the love I feel for my children, it is unlike any other type of love on earth....like an ethereal cord that connects the core of your soul to their's. It is the bond that makes protecting and nuturing that child a far greater gift that being able to jet off to a tropical island at a moment's notice. It is what makes watching your child grow and develop into an adult worth far more than any treasure you could put in the bank. It is why what may look like a 'sacrifice' to others is just putting your child's best interest first to a parent. I just assumed every mother felt that kind of love for their child...I hope the majority do!

Hi NiteOwl:

You sound like you made a wonderful mother - I wish you were mine LOL - I totally understand where you are coming from - but unfortunately I have seen - in my job as a psychologist, but also in the general populace, that most women - at least at the time they make the decision to have children - (20-35) really don't know what they want out of life - also people change - and what you wanted at 25 maybe the antithesis of what you want at 40 - I think of "mother love" as a giant bell curve - with most women clustered around the middle - and then there are people like you with your eternal, all encompassing love on the positive end and then mothers who abuse and neglect their children on the other - I do think the majority of women do love their children - but I have heard too many women who have said to me that if they had one thing to do all over again - they would never have had children - and yet I'm sure these women love their children but I'm sure they don't get the joy that you get out of your children - I feel sorry for these women - they could have led much more fulfilling lives without children - yes, there is happiness without children - I think having children is a very strong biological drive to propagate the species - this drive leaves after you have children - and then what are you left with - if you are naturally maternal like your good self, you enjoy your children - but the women who gave into the drive without really knowing who they are or what they want out of life suffer and so do the children.

I think the reason many people with kids didn't click on this post is because like me the title led them to believe it was meant for childless people to comment.

I think everyone has the right to make their own decision whether they have kids or not. I would never knock someone for choosing not to have any. However, I think very few mothers who choose to have kids regret it. I was never a girly girl pushing dolls around in prams etc and I had no experience of younger kids around me as I grew up. However, once married, I did feel I wanted to have kids and haven't regretted a moment of it. My hubby wasn't bothered either way but after we had them he now says he is so glad we did and that he couldn't be without them either. I do feel that I personally would have missed out on so much without them. They are so rewarding and you get back tenfold what you put in.

Having said that - I can understand that some people choose differently and that is their decision and people should respect that. I think lifestyles are very different if you decide one way or another and either way people can find happiness. My heart goes out to those people who do want kids and can't have them though - it must be terrible seeing other people's kids every day - not something you can get away from

Nite - I just read your post - I think you describe the mother /child relationship beautifiully! I feel the same about my kids.

Lara - I have to disagree with one part of your post from my own experience - I was never a "maternal" child playing with dolls, but I gave into the "drive" you describe ...AND yet I adore my kids - they have made me so happy and I wouldn't swap having them for the world

Squiggle:

I'm glad your maternal drive kicked in and lasted for so long - wonderful that you adore your children - other women are not so lucky - believe me I have listened to their sad stories in my therapy sessions with them - I'm sure if a 22 yr old saw the happiness that your kids brought you and if she was going through a "lonely misunderstood" period in her life as most 22 yr olds do, you can't blame her for thinking that kids are the solution to a happy life - but she hasn't questioned what she really wants - and also the responsibility of raising kids - which I am sure you will not dispute - Kids bring a lot of happiness no doubt - but everything has a flip side - they can also bring you heartache ----at least for me and hundreds of other women its a high price to pay -

Hi Lara

You sound as if I upset you by disagreeing with part of your post and I'm sorry if that is the case - I did not mean to do that. I posted because you commented why nobody with kids was responding on this thread that they were happy that they had them. I felt you were asking for us to step forward & post so I was just giving my own perspective to add some balance to the thread.

As I said above, I think everybody has the right to choose whether they have kids or not and I would never think bad of anyone choosing not to have them. We all have the right to live our lives as we choose and we are lucky not to live in a society that insists on such things as in some other communities around the world.

I agree there will be many who don't know what they want in their early 20s. I think that was true of me too. When I was 30, I decided to leave work to have a family because that's what I felt I was "supposed" to do. For me personally, although I had had no particular maternal longings before that point, it couldn't have been a better choice. Now I love that part of my life involving my kids and having them to concentrate on has helped me through some very difficult times with peri and bereavements.

Whilst you have a valid point, I believe what you say works both ways. Whilst there will be some women that have kids as they think it will "make them happier" and find it a struggle to cope when they do have them, there are others, like me, who find them an amazing experience that they never guessed existed. I don't believe it is only people who have always been maternal that can enjoy having kids. (This is the only part of your post that I was disputing.) For me that developed after they were born.

I have no doubt that there are unhappy people that you see in your therapy sessions who are having terrible lives and perhaps cannot cope with the responsibility of having children on top of everything else. These are the people who no doubt need to seek out therapy and so as a pychotherapist I'm sure you see more of them than most of us. Whilst they deserve every sympathy, I don't believe that that they are in the majority.

From my own experience and mixing with many, many mothers in the school playground, I can honestly say that the people I know who chose to have kids are generally very happy that they had their kids and are proud of them.

(((Hugs))) to everybody out there whether you have kids or not - we can all be happy with our choices

Hi Lara

You sound as if I upset you by disagreeing with part of your post and I'm sorry if that is the case - I did not mean to do that. I posted because you commented why nobody with kids was responding on this thread that they were happy that they had them. I felt you were asking for us to step forward & post so I was just giving my own perspective to add some balance to the thread.

As I said above, I think everybody has the right to choose whether they have kids or not and I would never think bad of anyone choosing not to have them. We all have the right to live our lives as we choose and we are lucky not to live in a society that insists on such things as in some other communities around the world.

I agree there will be many who don't know what they want in their early 20s. I think that was true of me too. When I was 30, I decided to leave work to have a family because that's what I felt I was "supposed" to do. For me personally, although I had had no particular maternal longings before that point, it couldn't have been a better choice. Now I love that part of my life involving my kids and having them to concentrate on has helped me through some very difficult times with peri and bereavements.

Whilst you have a valid point, I believe what you say works both ways. Whilst there will be some women that have kids as they think it will "make them happier" and find it a struggle to cope when they do have them, there are others, like me, who find them an amazing experience that they never guessed existed. I don't believe it is only people who have always been maternal that can enjoy having kids. (This is the only part of your post that I was disputing.) For me that developed after they were born.

I have no doubt that there are unhappy people that you see in your therapy sessions who are having terrible lives and perhaps cannot cope with the responsibility of having children on top of everything else. These are the people who no doubt need to seek out therapy and so as a pychotherapist I'm sure you see more of them than most of us. Whilst they deserve every sympathy, I don't believe that that they are in the majority.

From my own experience and mixing with many, many mothers in the school playground, I can honestly say that the people I know who chose to have kids are generally very happy that they had their kids and are proud of them. I also know many people who chose not to have kids and they are happy too.

(((Hugs))) to everybody out there whether you have kids or not - we can all be happy with our choices

I always said I didn't want children...after being surrounded by my 2 older sisters screaming kids (6 in all!) quite often!

But...when I fell in love I felt a little more maternal. Of course I fell in love over and over again (had a difficult time pinning one down!!!) and finally a proposal was forthcoming when I was 37 yrs old.

By this time I was used to my independence and LOVED IT!....and as I have a low pain threshold the thought of giving birth and worrying about will I be a good mother etc., overtook me somewhat and I believe that is why I suffered (am still sometimes suffering) with depression after the birth of my ONLY daughter at age 40.

I really struggled in the first few years of her life and it is only now I can say that she is an absolute blessing.....I just wish I could have dealt with all the pain and misery I went through in those first few years...it was not pretty!

So...I really do understand those who make the choice of having no children....I have 2 nieces and a nephew that are in their 30's who are not married or even interested in having kids...and my husband has 2 brothers also age 30 (ish) and a cousin who says he does not want kids...reckon it is a normal thing these days!

I couldn't love my dear 8 yr old daughter more though....just in case you were wondering!

Most of the women I know love their children more than life itself. I have read that biology is a very big part of the reason. All of the hormones that cause bonding, etc. Also, our egos play a role; after all, they are part of us. Regardless, the love is usually great.

The largest study on happiness to date found that childless people were slightly (barely statistically significant) happier than those with children. The researchers theorize that is because children can also cause a lot of frustration, worry, etc. But the study was not measuring love, just happiness, and it also was not studying fulfillment.

Another study showed that most people have a "happiness threshold." To me, that pretty much means they can be just as happy without children. But once you do have them, I believe the love most women feel for them is enormous.

And still another study showed that women who did not like their mothers more frequently decided against having children than those who loved their mothers.

Just my thoughts (and a few studies!).

Be as happy as you can be no matter what your situation. The future is not infinite.

children are great for without them you cant have grandchildren, which are gods gift to mothers for a job well done !!!

I do remember reading that study on happiness and children - also many years ago (1976 to be exact) Ann Landers did a poll on wanting children - and something like 70% of 50000 people said if they had to do it again they would not have children - Amazing - considering all the people that swear up and down that it is the best thing that happened to them - for myself, I observe and then make a decision - and throughout my life I have noticed that people are happier without children - this does not mean that they are loved more - because children as we know bring love - but love comes with a price - a price that maybe too high for some people - I have also met many women who have told me that the same thing that was told to Ann Landers - that if they had to do it over again they would not have children - they told me that they can't really tell many people this because people would be shocked - One even said - the joy is great but fleeting - and then its a life sentence - I can totally understand that - the responsibility of taking care of children is mindblowing - I know I am too carefree for it - maybe I have missed the great joys of motherhood but i know for sure that I will not have the great griefs of motherhood too - like the fear of something happening to your child - this is something most people are totally shocked by when they have children - and its worth feeling this fear if you really enjoy and love your children - but what if you don't really enjoy the experience and then you have the fear???

I have also heard the theory that women who did not like their mothers chose not to have children - and in my case that is true - I did not get on with my mother - also I have noticed that women who were abused by their mothers or were abandoned by their mothers do not choose to have children - so what does this say about the natural instinct to be mothers - in this case nurture has triumphed over nature n'est ce pas???