HI Ladies,

Where do I begin.....for whatever reason I feel like I woke up 2 weeks ago and my age just hit me like a truck. I am 42.....the sudden reality of not being able to turn back the clock, that death is a reality, I am agoraphobic and trying my hardest to venture out daily with my DH which is so depressing... i think if I was 25 or something I could better deal with agoraphobia knowing I have timne to work through it, but 42 and knowing that I may never be able to travel anywhere again... I don't know it just seems like more a race for time now. I said to my husband I don't know why I care anymore about the fear because I don't have control over these things and to try has gotten where I am.

I know we aren't supposed to talk about religion so I will be careful.....I have had a strong faith since I was 25ish...over the past few years it has dwindled as I have become more inside of myself and having all these problems with my body. When I suddenly realized my age and what that meant my faith was even more tested and all these questions that I can't find the answers too surfaced....questions I just didn't ask in my younger years and realized how much I don't really understand and how can so many people read from the same book and come up with something different, how are we supposed to know what to believe. I have nevr been more depressed in my life....I cry everyday at some point because all of this is so sad and then it ends. I have found answers to some of the questions I have through searching in the past week or so, but they are very vague and even then they say well we interperit (sp)this way and others will say no it really means this......I had some pretty specific questions that were odd as my mom said, but the answers have come up in places when I wasn't even looking for it, if that makes sense, so I felt like God was listening and guiding.....they still don't make sense to me and I am sure if I really searched I would get multiple opinions. My DH says I am not 80, but I am so tired.....I get up in the morning and you know that feeling that split second when you are disoriented upon awakening, well for me the second after that the reality of who I am comes at me like a steam roller and I feel this cloud of darkness blanket me when I comes to realize who I am it is a horrible feeling and it takes me much effort to get up....in my dreams I don't feel this way and I can escape my reality and I dream alot, almost every night, when I sleep there is peace and quiet from my thoughts. I know this is a very unhealthy place to be. I am trying to wait it out i the hopes I will adjust and move on, but this feeling is so distressing, like almost something you can't describe.

The thought of dying has consumed me and so many question suddenly pop into my mind....where are we going, will it be just dark empty space, will I see Heaven, what will we do, how will I see it, will it be foggy, how will I walk, becasue I am afraid does that mean I don't believ right as someone told me once I shouldn't be afraid....you get the point. Where is our soul/spirit....some say we don't have one and others say we do all taken from the same Bible......some say the sould is the mind and the mind and brain are separate......some christians have said this and then some christians say that is new age stuff. I wonder about my faith and have read even those who think they will recieve Heaven may not...that was not a good read as I thought so even if I think I am accepted I may not be? I get frustrated at the many beliefs and interpretations of things, I mean the Bible is so hard for me to understand in the first place and to have so mnay say this is the way it is read.....no, no this is the right way leaves you spinning. Some questions are never answered I know and that is where faith comes in, but our logical mind can't wrap itself around somethings easily. I feel almost panicy over all this and I haven't been able to get anything done in the past week from these thoughts.
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I want to move some place warm when my children graduate I will be 48, I struggle through winter as I love to be outside. I lived i FL and moved here when I was 33 and said recently If I had known I would get stuck I would have rather stayed there.

I feel like I am trying to hang on to any crumb of hope and it is slipping away.

I just don't know what to do.............I feel soooo lost, confused......I hope all is well with everyone, I wouldn't wish this anguish to anyone.
HUGS MIkki

I might add that thes thoughts are not just about myself but my family.....my first husband died when he was 31 so started my thought process then to a certain degree......I didn't want to sound selfish above like I was just thinking of me. HUGS MIKKI

Mikki, I am sorry you are going thru this -- I know exactly what you mean about realizing how old we are, every now and then I dwell on it, then I try to move my thoughts because I would go insane if I thought about how old I was every second. I just take one day at a time, enjoying every moment I spend with my family, making sure they know how much I love them. With everything that goes on, life is so precious, we never know about tomorrow. I used to think about dying a lot and it also consumed me, but I cannot go there, that will definitely put me in a deep depression, so I just don't allow myself to think about it. I hope you feel better soon!

Hugs, Barb

Dear Miki
I empathise with your feelings completely.The realisation of our mortality is a scary thing.I am a believer too but have often dwelt almost to the point of feeling hysterical about what waits ahead.We are here in the World.It is solid,sometimes good sometimes very hard but it is what we know.

The most difficult feeling to deal with is the fear of the unknown.Death as such does not scare me but there are no answers as to what will happen after.What and who will we be?How will we function?Do lost Souls wander around?

I think all your feelings and worries are very normal to the human spirit but what is hard is that they hit us so suddenly. When we were younger we never really think too deeply,as we mature and have more awareness of our health,both emotionally and physically it all gets a lot more difficult.

What I do know is that we have to live as much as possible in the moment-easier said than done!Be kind ,compassionate and caring especially of ourselves.Try to keep in mind that fluctuating Hormones do raise the levels of anxiety which can lead to depression.

It is important to up the exercise.Accept that we are changing as far as our needs and wants are concerned.We have spent years caring for others and it is hard to accept that the routine of our lives will change

However,now at the age of 57 I have a fulfilling life.I do not need as many friends as before.Take pleasure in my plants and Yoga practice.I also do some volunteer work with children on the Autism Spectrum and that is great.I pray before I sleep especially for all these lovely ladies on the board who are suffering.

I really hope that you will experience a lessening in anxiety as time goes by.It is great that your husband listens to your feelings too.

We are all here to support you.

Keep posting

God Bless
Elizabeth

Elizabeth,
I love reading your responses. You are so positive and uplifting. I wished you lived here so that
I could hang-out with you!!! You are a great inspiration to everyone on this post. Could you tell
me your story about when you started with peri and what you have taken and what you take
now. I really respect your opinions.

Thank You,
Kim

Mikki...

I truly fully understand how you feel.

I began feeling like that after my daughter was born when I was 40 (I am 49 now)....the feelings have ebbed and flowed, but that 'dying thing'...questioning what really happens to us when we die...not really understanding the bible etc., has not fully gone away.

I too like to not think about it as Barb said...it only makes me feel worse.

One thing that I have been trying to do since November, is to meditate.....I began a class and go to it once a week and every day I spend 20 minutes or so trying to have that 'thoughtless awareness'.....meditation helps us become 'centred' (english spelling!) and helps us to learn to live in the moment...not spend too much time in the past....or worrying about the future.

I have not quite mastered it yet, but am determined to become more centred as a person ( you can be a left or a right type of person...I am a lefty...sad, depressed, lost, etc.,!)

Try and live for today and laugh.....yes...I know how hard that is...I have been TRYING to laugh, but I still can't find my joy, but am going to keep on trying.

I do understand where you are coming from...believe me, I do.

Hugs to you

Caz

I agree about Elizabeth. Her posts are always so wonderful!

Mikki-it is so sad to read your post because actually 42 is still so young!
I too used to suffer with agoraphobia through my 20s and 30s and all my young life was taken up with trying to work around the terror whilst still bringing up three daughters so I do understand how it feels.
I know this sounds like a very pat comment-but it sounds to me as though you might be suffering from clinical depression-the sort where low serotonin levels are involved.
Its a vicious circle with clinical depression and anxiety. The agoraphobia makes you anxious, which depletes your serotonin which drags you down even more. So you are on a downward spiral.

I am not saying that your worries are not valid. I have had all the same thoughts and fears about my own mortality and if there is an afterlife etc. I think everyone does.
But trying to make sense of it all and getting some peace may not be possible while your brain is not firing on all cylinders.

Where to start? You have so many intertwining issues and they need to be separated out.

I think maybe you could start by putting all your worries about mortality and religion into a box for now and leave them for later when you can think straight. Trust me-I did this and it worked! You are only 42-you have years before you have to get those heavy issues sorted out-and in time you will.
I would suggest trying to get help for your depression so that you can think straight. I have self treated with St john's Wort in the past because I don't like antidepressants but you could look into the treatments to see what might suit you. You need to mend your brain-you sound so worn out with all the deep thoughts and worries which must go round and round-am I right?

When you start to be able to think straight you could try reading the books by Claire Weekes. There is a great one-I think its called "Simple and effective treatment for agoraphobia". I used this book with huge success and I cured myself so I recommend it!
Once you feel better mentally and have dealt with agoraphobia(you can do it-I did) you will then,I am sure, find living in the moment more of an enjoyable experience and the deeper issues wont seem so pressing to you.
If you think about it- how do old people seem so serene when their days are numbered? My mum, is 80 and she is really happy. It is a cliche but they take a day at a time and live in the moment.

I don't know any old person who is actually afraid of dying. They may be afraid of the manner of their death because no-one wants to suffer, but that's a different thing. By the time you get to an age where death is coming closer you will have made your peace with it, I promise you.
Part of the aging process is to gradually come to terms with our mortality and accept the inevitable.

Please try to take things one step at a time. I completely see how you have got yourself in this muddle because it happened to me!

I am 57 now- quite a bit older than you and I had cancer three years ago.I would honestly say, though that I am more well balanced and at ease with myself than at any other time of my life.
So please do not despair!
You can do this I promise

Hugs

janet c

Bless you Sunflower. Everyone, I think, okay well almost everyone thinks about stuff like this! It's the human condition...existentialism. I loved what Elizabeth and Janet said; I can really add to it other than to suggest you delve into this a bit: http://www.mellen-thomas.com/ - please let me know if you can't access it. It is very thought provoking and hopeful.

Sincerely,
Suzanne
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Hi Mikki:

I am also a believer and I understand how tough it can be to understand what is supposed to happen and understanding the Bible is rough sometimes.

The only thing I wanted to add to what the others said was that I believe that when we read the Bible we get out of it what the Lord wants us to, what we need at that time. I also think that two or more people can read the same passage and will interpret it differently, no one opinion will be the same. I believe that is how it is intended.

I also wanted to say that when I began this ride, I thought I was dying everyday and it scared me really bad. I wound up going on zoloft which has helped. I would get horrible thoughts about myself and my family. It hurt me alot. I even had thoughts that my faith was not strong enough and went to a good friend, also a believer, and asked her to be with me as I asked for saving again. Several years later I was diagnosed with an incurable disease. I was given a prognosis of 15 years. I blanked it out for quite a while and would not deal with it at all. Recently, through therapy, I am dealing with it and sometimes I am afraid of what it will mean to leave my kids and hubby but I have decided that since I have to experience menopause and be miserable with that, I am not going to let this other thing rule the rest of my life. I try to get out everyday, even if I just sit in the sun and read for an hour. I play with my kids, I sit and talk to my hubby. I try to do what I can to keep my mind in the present because I know He will take care of the tomorrows that I still have coming my way.

I hope this helps you some and really wish I had magic words that would take away your pain. I am sending you big hugs and will keep you in my prayers.
Jeaninne

((((((((((Dear Mikki))))))))))))) From my perspective, everything to wrote about - your feelings, your fears, your fear of your fears - they're all very very normal. I too have found myself wondering about dying and then worryying about dying and then unable to stop worrying about it. I also felt ridiculous and "out of control" because it seemed to be on my mind to a degree that I had never had before. I too think it's a natural (albeit, not comfortable) part of getting older.

I have found therapy to be a great comfort and resource for me. I was diagnosed almost a year ago today with a very very rare kind of cancer - that for now is fine and yet, it's so rare, all they know is that it has a high recurrence rate and they don't know if it will come back benign or malignant. There is no test to "discover it" ... only surgery. And if it should return malignant, the prognosis is very grim, with little to no treatment. Of course, that scares me! Yes, I am trying to live within that reality the best I can - and sometimes I have no clue how to really do that. I sure don't want to give the impression I'm just "on top of this and that everything is "fine" with me about it. Certainly not. I am learning that living is really about courage in a way. To live requires courage. And most of us don't realize how truly courageous we are. We never know truly KNOW what lies ahead in the next minute (let alone in the next year or decade), so we are courageous for "keepin on keeping on". I don't mean that to sound trite. I truly mean it to sound dramatic - because it is.


What I am learning and realizing is that we are ALLl courageous and courage is day to day living. YOU are courageous - even if you don't feel it right now. You are courageous because despite your fears, you're still "showing up" and you're reaching out. Do you know how courageous that is? Amazingly so!

So, I am trying to do as so many of these other courageous, wise women have written they're doing - accepting myself with all my "flaws" as a part of the whole me. I try and not let those "flaws" and my feelings about them dictate how I define myself.

My favorite new phrase is "yes, and ..." Yes, I am fearful, AND I am going to sit outside for a bit and enjoy the sunshine. Yes, I am thinking about dying, AND I am alive right now and I am going to live this moment in as much fullness and truth is possible. I try hard not to deny my feelings (whatever they are) and realize that by acknowledging them, they don't rule my life or mind quite as much as they did once upon a time. Sure, I "regress" .... and that's ok too - it is what it is. And I am allowing myself to be human - not my perfect distorted image (one who doesn't worry or is fearful, etc.) - but just human - and then, step out from that space, gently and courageously.

So, I encourage you to keep posting and reading and be very very gentle with yourself. You are so much more than what you are seeing of yourself right now. You may not feel courageous or optimistic or hopeful - but in that feeling of darkness, those things are there - they have to be in order for you to have posted, to be asking yourself the questions - those things prove they are in you. Things can and do literally change in a moment, over and over and over. Doesn't that just bring a breath of possibilities and opportunities? I encourage you to breathe into that reality of hope and opportunity when you can and when you can't - accept that and let yourself reach out - to Power Surge or any other way that supports you.

You don't have to have all the answers - I used to think I had to!! Now, I'm more fulling realizing and appreciating that not having all the answers affords me the greatest room to grow - which is to truly live. Hugs to you and know that you're a valuable, courageous human being. kathleent

One thing that a friend of mine said to me quite recently was to 'Rise Above' your fears....I guess one has to look for that tiny bit of silver lining or light and aim for it and don't let go!

You know what though...I think we are all just so thankful that we can come here and tell you all our woes, and know that we will get many kind and helpful replies to lift us up...(same as rising above I guess?!).

Caz

i beleive god puts this fear in all of us so that we will draw closer to him, you are not the only one who have these burning questions, for thousands of years man kind has pondered these questions and on your journey i hope you will find yours, and then there are many questions we will not have the answers to til we get to our final destination- sometimes we have to endure the storm to see the rainbow !!! peace to you !!

Sunflower, we are here for you ((HUGS)).

I got hit with this at 44 BAM just like that. I became afraid of everything. I faced my death squarely in the face and just wanted to hide. I was labeled "perimenopausal." To me, at that time, it meant a slow downhill slide. The party was over, I discovered not only that I was mortal but that I was half way to the end, if not sooner!

I can't explain what the hormones do to our brains but I started to feel disconnected and questioned everything, including what faith I had. I felt completely alone, both inside andout if that makes any sense.

I can't say the thoughts don't still bother me sometimes but Kathleen is so right. She has been through a lot and gives great advice. My motto is "Yes AND." Yes, I am afraid to travel, as I go anyway. Yes I am afraid to leave the house some days, but there I go. I decided that I was not going to let this win no matter what. I would tell my family "Lets go, I can be anxious anywhere" LOL.

The spiritual part was harder at first. I just kept trying. I'd find signs, anything that worked for me to give me comfort. When my MIL passed away I always seemed to see the clock at 4:44. I decided that she was helping to watch over me. I still just pause when I see this on the clock and say Thank You. It helps.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Hi again....thanks for all the support and words of encouragemnet,

I have been trying to adjust to these thoughts and searching for meaning....for a lack of a better word. I have been diving into what it is that I believe and why. Someone said this is puberty backwards, but I don't remember feeling like this then. I have to come to grips with reality and somewhere inside rise above the fear I feel of it all and hopefully move on. HUGS ALL Mikki