I have a life long friend that has come and gone over the years. For the past 20 years we've stayed in touch. I do a lot of personal knitting work for her. She pays me well,,,,until now. She just sent me a box of projects that to me was not the amount of money I usually charge. Example: for a scarf I get 20-35. It's an original design that is only repeated one time for her. For a sweater I might get anywhere from 50-250, depending on the design/detail.

This weekend she sent me projects that totalled 8 (5 scarves, 3 summer tops) and sent me a check for $100 for labor. She supplies the yarn. Guess she bought all the yarn on sale and passed the discount over to my labor prices too.

I kindly composed an email telling her how much I appreciate her business but this time it's not going to be ok with me to have such a small fee. ($10 for a custom scarf?)

Now she won't speak to me.

My thought is that I guess it wasn't that much of a friendship to begin with if you resort to that behavior.

Why can't a friend really work it out instead of giving up?

How do you find true friends? It's hard at my age to do that. Actually, it's been hard all of my adult life and I don't know why.

I agree, it does not seem to take much to end a friendship. We should be more understanding. Take care and I am sorry for your hurt. We think our friends will always be there and it is hard to make new ones. Prayers for you.

That hurts. Twenty years is a long time and such friends shouldn't be dropped without some effort. If you want to try at it, you could send her a nice note or a sweetly worded e-mail (I know it is hard) to help the mutual hurt feelings blow over.
Something not having to do with knitting at all. Something like "I just heard your daughter had a baby... how exciting! I just wanted you to know I was thinking of her, and happy for you!" You know, care, compliment, close.

This happened to me, twice. What is it with women anyway! We can be so loyal one minute and then drop each other like hot potatoes! I don't make friends easily, either.

Thanks for being understanding. I need that!

Yeah, what is it with women? My DH could care less if he had any friends, ever. Perhaps men just want someone to do stuff with and don't care about the relationship as a whole. I tend to brush over things that would bug me about a friend and continue on with it even if they aren't 'perfect'. I feel rejected once again.

I know exactly what you mean. And some women can be so petty! (like I'm NOT a woman...but you know what I mean) For instance......I have a friend who lives and breathes by holidays and the gifts and cards she sends and receives. She sort of judges who is a friend and who isn't by the gifts or cards that she gets or doesn't get. I know. Strange. So.......if she sends me a St. Patricks Day card but she doesn't get one? I don't hear from her for ages. If I can't send her a birthday present and just wish her a Happy Birthday instead? It's a major offense. She is from the Tiffany school of gifting. SO....having said that, there are those of us who can't afford friendships....both financially and emotionally.

It's weird....you think you know someone for years and years and yet a simple misunderstood "word" can cause all he$$ to break loose. I have weeded out the friends that I find "toxic" and that cause me too much stress. The ones I have had for many years that are "stable" , understand me and cherish my friendship (and visa versa) are the ones I hold dear. The rest can kiss my grits.



I love this quote by Jim Morrison of the Doors (what a SMART guy).

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he really is."

The kiss my grits quote? That is meant for all "toxic" people and certainly not anyone here on P-S!!
I have so many wonderful friends here and didn't want any of you to misunderstand what I meant by that. I was referring to so called friends I know in "person." Hope that all makes sense.

NURSE!!! (it's time for my medication now...)

I had a best friend for life (I thought). We met in the 6th grade, grew up together, married a year apart, started having our kids together, etc., etc. We stayed very close up untill 1988 when she married my older brother. She had been divorced for three years. All of a sudden, she was my sister-in-law, and our friendship changed. It was nothing major that I can remember. It happened gradually over several years. I guess for the last 10 years or so, we just don't talk at all, unless we're at a family funtion. And even then, things seem "strange" between us. Kind of like she thinks she's better than me now. I miss our " silly, young girls, crazy friendship" we used to have. By the way, I've always had a very close relationship with my brother, and we still talk a lot. Go figure.

I find it frustrating when it is always me calling, writing or sending emails. It really makes me wonder if the people I call friends really want to talk to me since I am always doing the initial contact. One time, I was so busy I could not contact a certain friend as much as I used to. I was so busy at the time and she never called or wrote once in the 3 months that I wasn't able to just drop everything and chat. So, I guess to her, I wasn't all that important and I decided to just stop trying.

Part of my problem with friends is that married folks don't want to hang with single people. At least that's the way it seems to me. Each friend I get that gets married I rarely hear from anymore. And god forbid they have kids! They disappear into the woodwork. I had a tremendous friend for close to a decade -- we were as close as two women can be who are not sisters or lovers. But she got married, had a couple of kids and now I can't even get her to return phone calls. But when I DO catch up with her, she's tickled to death to hear from me and all apologetic for not staying in better touch. Same thing happened with a college buddy years ago.

Another gripe I have is that many times I will ask friends to do things with me -- go to festivals, movies, dinner etc. We go and have a great time. But I almost NEVER get invites back. I hear after the fact what a good time they had at whatever they did.

I'm kind of a loner anyway -- enjoy time with myself, have interests that aren't really in tune with the mainstream. So this doesn't bother ALL that much. But still...I'd like to be included SOMEtimes.

I could have written your post; you sound a LOT like me. And I agree...I'd like to be included SOMEtimes.........I hear ya.

Tela, I think it's very difficult to mix friends and money. It just seems to create conflict unless each is careful to keep the ground rules. Business is business and friendship is friendship. Should you get a 2nd opprtunity, maybe if you created a sheet with your prices and let her see that beforehand, then she can determine if she can afford your work or not. Most of us non-knitting types wouldn't have a clue as to how much time and effort is needed to make a scarf or top.

Webalina, You have pretty much described me. That is why I like my friends long distance. I'm such a loner and a homebody that it's difficult for me to maintain local friendships.
That's why I like PS so much. No shopping required.

I am living abroad and have no friends I only have family members to talk to, kids and husband(who works a lot) I find expats are not too friendly unless your in their cicle! and it is very hard to join

Hi Tela
Yes people come people go friendships come and go.. This lady you say has come and gone in your life. Sounds like she has used you darlin, tried to exploit you and your natural ability to create. Try to forget this one .. OK where do you live.. Why not think about starting up a creative craft group .. expand business prospects eg local newspaper community markets held at the weekends in your area. join local womens community groups where you are living.. go back to school learn something new you bound to meet some people out there .. Tis not easy I know.. But you have come to the right place to make a start to help form an idea, to build friendships through these wonderful boards.

good luck keep posting and you will grow..

gizzie

You just described ME! I too am very happy by myself and when I see that most people (women) have so many ulterior motives to who they like and who they don't, it bothers me immensely so I pull away....I base some of my stand offishness to my troubled childhood with lack of relationships due to a violent homelife....never, ever had friends over and if they showed up, I heard about it the next day in school: "Mary, who was that nutcase who chased us out of the driveway when we stopped by last night????????"

With a feeling of terror, I'd realize they had met my drug-crazed brother who at the time was terrorizing all of us .....

So, alone was better....

Plus, woman can be mean and catty and nasty and demeaning and envious and I'm too senstive to get over it so I just stay clear....

That said, I have gotten to know some great women in recent years that probably would have walked a wide berth around me as a younger girl due to my oddness but I have curtailed it a bit for social acceptance.....

But I still prefer a quiet walk in the woods with hubbie with no one around to a roomful of my own gender.....it is what it is.....

I have no friends either.

My DD wanted me to host a cosmetics party so I thought great, we'll have a get together, all the old gals together with no pushiness to buy cosmetics. Yes great, a few said but then loads of ladies didn't even reply so I cancelled it. The few who replied initially said they were disappointed, one even turned up at the door! With promises of sending texts or emails, how many have been in touch since?


NONE!

I'm surprised at how many of us at this age have few if any friends. The ones I had in my younger years (I'm 42) are gone. My best friend is no more because I hit meno and realized after years of this so called friendship that she is a taker. A tacky taker and I was being....not used so much but it always had to be under HER circumstances as in get togethers at HER house and so on. It got to be too much and I dropped her. Am I lonely? Sure I am! I have no "in person" friends and I would love some! My sis who is 4 states away calls me all the time to tell me what fun she and her one "true" friend have (my sis is 45 her friend is 33) and it sounds like all the stuff we used to do when she lived here. Breaks my heart!!! She doesn't even ask what my plans are anymore. Clean the house, work or shop. That's the extent of my life! My husband and I no longer even do anything fun together! I even went out and bought another dog (3 total now) to try and fill the "void"....think it worked? Now, instead of two dogs at my feet I have a freaking HERD and it drives me nuts! We are still not in the new house next door and when we are hopefully things will slow down a bit. How do you make friends to go do things with when you are painfully shy? I chat at safeway with so many girls that work there my age and I am there almost daily. My husband says to ask them out for coffee but I never do. There is one who even seeks me out to say hello but I never ever make a move to create a friendship because I don't know HOW TO!

Don't just concentrate on people your own age. I'm 48 and two of my best friends are 36 and 33 (met them at work). My mom has always been more comfortable with older people (I think she was trying to find a mom to replace the drunk, abusive but negligent one she had), so she has always gravitated to women older than herself. Same interests and a "clicking" between the two of you is what's important. When I meet someone, I can tell in literally 5 minutes whether we're going to be friends or not. Anybody I've tried to make friends with who didn't have that "click" with me didn't last.

Another thing to try is find an interest that YOU like, that has other people you have to interact with, whether it be a bowling league or a sewing club or a theatre group, or maybe some charity activity that's important to you. If you find yourself just having a good time and not concentrating on desperately trying to make friends (not saying you're doing that, it's just that's the way I feel I come across), maybe people will see what a fun person you are and approach YOU. If nothing else, you know you'll have something in common to talk to them about.

As far as being shy goes, my problem isn't that so much as it is a self-esteem issue (might amount to the same thing, I don't know). I don't approach people to make friends not because I'm scared to talk to them but rather "What could I possibly say that this person won't think I'm wasting their time?" I rarely make phone calls to friends I do have because I don't want to bother them with inane chatter. I only call if I have something specific to tell them, and then wait and see if the conversation takes off from there. That even goes for a guy friend (hopefully more to come) that I met on the internet. He and I chat online all the time, send each other presents and cards, and have even declared some feelings for each other and made some tentative plans to meet eventually (I'm in TX, he's in NY). But yet I have only called him (and he me) one time. Why? Because I don't want to ruin his illusion of this clever intelligent woman he thinks I am. I have this fear that on the phone I'll come across as the socially inept chatterbox clod I imagine myself to be. We are both kinda in the same boat in that he has admitted to feeling the same way. And we've known each other for a year now! How crazy is that?!

Well, at least we know we all have friends here at PS, right?

Ok ladies, what's up here!!! We're all intelligent, well "spoken", interesting people who have responded that we have few/or no friends!!!!

I'm constantly amazed at the level and depth of repsonses throughout PS indicating some fabulously caring and thoughtful minds yet here we sit at our computer screens pouring out our despair at not having a coffee chat friend or a shopping friend or a take a leisurely walk friend....how sad is that!!!!

I know whenever I come across someone who speaks of having the same best friend since grade school, I tell them they have the greatest gift of all: someone who has known them forever and will be there for them forever.....that truly is a priceless commodity IMO

I think if we all lived in close proximity of each other we'd have the coolest, smartest, most knowledgable group of women on Earth!!!!!

I agree with the one statement that if we joined a group who is involved in things we love (quilting, sewing, writing, gardening etc etc etc) that the similarity factor would help out our search for friends ....

I know that becoming a mother at 20 and then throwing myself into mothering 4 kids for the next 30 years really took the shine off of the friend connection...plus, I always have been a loner, even without the antisocial environment I grew up in...

Here's to us....we have each other at least and I say a PS friend is a friend indeed!!!!!!

Peace,
Momz