I am 47 years old and have never been married. About a year ago I met my "happy ending". She is the most amazing woman!! Shes a great mom , a hard worker, a great friend. I knew if I waited long enough she was out there somewhere. I cant imagine my life without her.

Like most people I imagine our initial attraction was physical. We had an AMAZING sex life. As our relationship matured I grew to love her children, the family activities together etc but we always made time for that intimacy as well. Well about November of last year it all seemed to slow down in the bedroom. At first I attributed it to the normal decline. After taht frankly due to some old baggage I thought there must be someone else. Finally we talked in roughy January and here I am. She just doesnt care if she ever has sex. The drive is gone, orgams as difficult at best. She has nite sweats , poor sleep etc.
I have been trying to learn because believe it or not I want relief for ALL her symptoms

I hate the fact that at times we have disputes about sex. I may try to initiate, get rejected and "pout". I dont mean to, i try not to but even being informed it feels like rejection. Often anymore I dont try because I dont want to upset her. There are times we do make love and most of those times I can tell shes doing it for me. I appreciate tht I really do but I would give ANYTHING to really feel and see the desire she used to have for me. There have been a few times that were great they are just rare. I know she would if she could. I guess maybe I am just venting? Do I miss the wild , nawty , unplanned sex part of the past? You bet I do.....but you now what I miss the most???? That intimate feeling of being desired by her , the connecation.....the absolutely unquestionable feeling of her desire for me both physically and emotionally all at the same time..does that make sense? , i dont know if I explain it well.

I try hard to relax her, I have surprised her wtih bubble baths, candlelight dinners. fondue fun, wine...............I have tried to relax my own insecurites and incorporate at least some toys. I want to help.

If my friend , companion and lover is never my lover again I still wouldnt want another day of my life without her. I really wouldnt. Perhaps its selfish of me to want my lover too but I do....

ps....when I roll over and "pout" 90% of the time I am crying in frustration at the cruelty of lifes twiets at times.

pss In February I asked her to marry me and she said yes !!!!! I am blessed.

My husband has been through this too. We talk about it though. I make sure to tell him how much I love him and that I am so sorry my body just doesn't always want to. We do as you have mentioned and try extra things to help and sometimes they do. I will not say I ever do it just because he wants to, I do it because I love him and men need the physical affection much more than us gals. Not sure what advice to give you besides keep talking and keep exploring what can help her share in those intimate moments. See about finding help for the hormone problems. You may point her here so she can get some ideas. There are natural remedies that work for some, anti depressants work for some, HRT and BHRT work for some, then there is always diet and exercise and just winging it. Remember she loves you!

Thank you so much for your reply! She tries sometimes when I know shes not into it. I suppose short term it helps but longe term I just feel guilty for her not getting pleasure from it.

There were a couple of times she tried Cialis to stimulte blood flow. It was my idea. Both of those times she did get mor aroused and had orgasms (multiple once like the good ole days of six months ago). She wont take it anymore as she syas that online articles say its of no use. She thinks it was a cooincedance.

I have steered her here and hope sooner or later she reads more. I suppose when you dont have desire its easy to not do anything about it. I dont know that I am able to effectively tell her how frustrated I am at times. I wish she would get a full hormone panel done as I think that HRT would be of benefit. Not just for libibo but for the nigth sweats, weight gain she complains about in medsection (shes still HOT lol) poor sleep etc.

Often I feel like a really bad guy for wanting sex like the old days so badly but Im really not a bad guy. I am reading daily to gain understaniding and get advice. Rigth now she just went to bed and I am out here letting her get to sleep. I find that if shes asleep I wont try and then neither of us feel bad. Having said that I did tuck her in and cuddle to warm her up first.

Sorry that you feel "guilty" that she is not getting pleasure form sex... You must remember that her libido issues and sexual response is most directly tied into the hormonal fluxes of perimenopause. Please stop taking it so personally. She did not "choose" to change. Hang in there and help her (if she want you to) with researching various options to improve things. Best regards, J.

I could tell a really similar story, only from the woman's point of view. When my libido walked away, I was very upset. I didn't WANT it to be gone!! You can't imagine how frustrating it is. And then it was like adding insult to injury that my man still wanted sex as much as ever...I think I was envious of his drive, because mine was gone. I am still missing it. I miss wanting it...but I just don't. I hope that makes some sense. I totally feel your frustration, as it can be just as bad from the other side!!

Do try not to take it personally, because I know that it isn't your fault in any way, shape or form. It is a hormonal issue, and one that she has no control of. She still loves you, don't be insecure.....trust me she is not interested in anyone else either! My man was concerned that I was having an affair!! And that was the LAST thing on my mind! This change we go through does affect everyone who is close to the peri/meno woman, and those of us going thru the change should try understand that. I don't think we have the right to make everyone cater to us emotionally during this, our loved ones need to be supported thru this also.

You sound like you are on the right track and giving support where you can. Keep it up, and be patient.

On sex: It think the one thing that helped me the most was to just let it go. Pretend like I was not going to have sex with my wife and just let it go. Remember, there was a time in your life when you didn't have a regular partner and as such you coped. Go back to that coping mechanism, whatever it was, and then be pleasantly surprised when it happens. This doesn't last forever. Also if you can get a balance in your life, your life with your wife will be much better. Also there are likely to be stresses beyond the sex drive you'll need to cope with along with your wife. This time can rock the roots loose a bit in your marriage.

Another guy here refers to his wife, when she is having a particularly hard time, as the imposter. I like that in a way as he is looking at and sensing her changes and is aware when she is most vulnerable. As such he can be ready. I'm not sure any of us are truly ready, but try to see what is happening with your wife as a transition and as a potential learning and growth event for you too. I found that being open and aware of subtle changes in my wife's emotional and physical essence allowed me to be more ready for her "issues." Not that I wasn't blindsided a bunch of times, but it did help to pay attention. Also, this attention and focus on the Now has made me more effective in business, happier in life and also more adept at being around people in general.

I think another thing that is particularly hard for my wife is that estrogen seems to be a "youth serum" of a sort. When its level droped my wife's "body parts" aged suddenly. Not visually, but in effectiveness. I see her struggling with issues I've had for 10 years now and they have suddenly become an issue for her. Imagine if suddenly your hips were tighter than normal, or your back suddenly started to ache. I've had these aches and pains and tightness since my early 40s, but my wife didn't. She now does. It's hard for her to cope with the sudden strike of all these minor irritations all at once.

It's quite a time in your wife's life. Hang in there and realize this. It really helps.

I think you will find plenty of women that will tell you it is bad bad bad for you to be wanting sex when she feels so awful. I disagree with this! When my husband voices his concerns, I console him, he goes to all of my Doctors appointments so he gets the medical side of it, I read him things from here and from books. At the moment I am newly taking progesterone and my drive has went pffffffff but I told him this straight off so that he knows what the medicine is doing. Now four weeks ago we went five nights in a row being intimate. It comes and it goes for me but through it all I love and want him. Definitely ask her about getting a hormone screen the numbers alone might help her see what is going on too.

Just keep remembering she does love you and she really can't help it. I still like to be hugged, snuggled and kissed and he does this every day for me, keep that in mind that even though she may not want to jump in the sack she probably still wants to be adored.

Welcome jcam222
You have the same time line as myself(changes in Nov.), but my dream girl and I have been married for going on 5 years.

Arm your self with information on what is going on physically. it helps a great deal, I got the book.Menopause for Dummies, It help a great deal in understanding what it happing to her medically. The head stuff is harder for each person is different.
Don't stop loving her.
Heres a link to some of simple rules to keep it simple, even know it is not an easy change for both my wife and I.

Menopause Manners for men