Hey everyone, My name is Amber. I am 31 soon to be 32 years old. I had a partial hysterectomy in 2005. I have one ovary. I went my family dr. a year ago October. I was crying about the weather changing. I was hysterical and I started crying before I even got to the Dr. I had been to him several previous years, same time of year, same symptoms. I was thinking, and seeing a pattern & thought I had a Seasonal problem. He told me he thought I was manic depressive and needed to see a therapist. Soo, I started that last year & was diagnosed Bipolar II. I have been on several different medications with no relief from ANY of them. I am 2nd guessing that diagnosis. I am not on any medications as of today, other than anxiety medication.

I started the usual problems with the seasons changing in October. Late November I started accepting the change or just kinda dealing with it?But end of December I started doing things I have NEVER in my life done. I started worrying about my husband dying. He is perfectly healthy. I started out crying about it, and then I made myself sick with worry. I couldn't eat, if I did eat I was throwing it back up. I lost 12 lbs in 11 days. I was only sleeping 3 hours a night. I felt like I was dying with panic/anxiety. I almost commited myself to the hospital, but didn't. I ended up going to the E.R. and getting relief for a day, as they gave me Ativan thru IV and fluids because I felt dehydrated. I was worrying about EVERYTHING. What would I do without my husband, what would happen to me and my 2 children. How could we afford to live. It was terrifying. I went to my reg. dr. (changed dr. since the dr. that told me I needed a therapist) and she gave me Ativan to deal with my anxiety. I went from needing it once in awhile to now, I have to have it ever day. I wake up with a nervous stomach for no reason & until I take the anxiety med the stomach ache will not go away.

I am waking up at 4am every morning, I normally sleep until the alarm goes off at 6am. I am crying about anything and everything, or nothing at all. I feel like I can't be at home by myself, I feel very lonely. My kids are growing up and not needing me that much. So, when they get home from school they are off and running leaving me in the house alone. My husband doesn't get home until 6pm most evenings. We own our own business, I help 3 or 4 days a week. So, I'm not sitting at home all the time doing nothing. I miss the friends that I used to have, they have just had marital issues and divorced or the ones that are still together have gotten full time jobs & have 5 or more kids and are just busy with life. I cry alot because I just feel really lonely.

I'm driving my husband crazy, because I'm extremely moody and I have been crying TONS of tears for the past month and 1/2!He says he hates seeing me unhappy. I keep telling him I'm not unhappy. I am happy with my life, my kids, him, my home, what I have. He tells me for someone that is happy, shouldn't be crying all the time. Me crying, tells him that I am unhappy about something. The only thing I am unhappy with is ME. I hate being me. I hate the mess that I have become.

I realized I hadn't had my hormones checked in 4 years, and that was right after my surgery. I am just almost praying this is the answer. That I really am not crazy. Maybe if I am crazy, hormones are the answer. I went Thursday to get testing done and my results won't be in until Monday. She tested for estrogen, testosterone and my thyroid. Are these enough to find good results if it is my hormones? If there is any further testing that can be done, if these come out to not tell anything is wrong. Can someone please recommend the tests?

I just need some support. I am crying like crazy as I type. I just need someone to lean on.

Thank you for listening and thank you for any support you can give!
Amber

Hi Amber,

I am relatively new at this board and have been having terrible problems for 4 months now, with anxiety, panic and depression so bad it got to the point of "depersonalization", i.e., not feeling like a real person connected to my body any more. And while my doctors don't really now any more what made me go practically overnight to this surreal and very sick physical and mental state, one of the things they did discover is that I had gotten not only very anemic, but also was very deficient in vitamin D.

I'm wondering if some of your depression may be connected to vit. D deficiency as well, especially since you feel the problem is seasonal. You don't say where you live, but especially if you are not being exposed to sunlight, you may not be making enough D. I would suggest taking D and see if it helps with your mood. You can take up to 5000 units daily, or go to your doctor for a high dose prescription. I presently take 40,000 once a week in pill form.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi and welcome! OMgoodness you are going through a rough time. There is a wealth of knowledge too on this topic here. I find that Vitamin D is really helpful for elevating moods BUT you must get the exact dosage that YOUR body needs. You can get too much Vitamin D and develop kidney stones too so get expert advise. Read the threads here about Vitamin D.

I take an anti-depressant and that helps me alot. I take fluoxetine.

I know how you are feeling. It is horrible but you will gain some powerful insight here by the many wonderful ladies here. We have more in common here than perhaps you do in your real life with your women friends.

Bless you,
Suzanne

Amber,
I am so sorry that you are having such a terrible time. You have done well to come here. There are so many caring women here, who like you, have been to a very dark place. There is no need to feel lonely when you can visit us here at Power Surge.
Looking at your history I would guess that your oestrogen levels have just dipped below a critical level after the removal of one of your ovaries. Please do not feel like a failure because you are feeling this way. I have ovaries and uterus intact but at the age of 49 my oestrogen dipped as a normal consequence of menopause and I suffered the same anxiety about my husband that you describe. I found myself pacing the floor for hours and hours, when I should have been asleep, obsessing about my husbands health. I started to dread going to bed. I now know that was just a stage and feel much better about it all now. I think that it is just a matter of getting the correct help to enable you survive dropping oestrogen levels until your body can adjust. Some ladies do well on ADs and some have success with hormonal replacement, some use a combination of both. The ladies here have lots of experience with different methods of coping. I am sure that they will share them with you.
Visit us often and we will be your support until you can get some treatment and can start feeling better. You will feel better, it is just a matter of time. It sounds as though your doctor is looking in the right direction.
When you get your results, come and discuss them here.


XIII

(((((((((((((Amber))))))))))))))))))

I am new to this site. However, I read Elizabeth Vliet Book called "It's your ovaries Stupid".
The book helped me so much. It sounds like you have low Estrogen. I have been dealing
with the same insecurity in regards to my husband and the excessive worry. You will be
O.K.. I am curious to find out what levels your hormones are. I will pray for you! This
site it incredible. I take bio-identical hormones and they have saved my life and gave me
back myself. Look up Bellevue Pharmacy and talk to Pete Huseman.

Hugs,
Kim

Amber,

The advice you have gotten so far is great!! Vitamin D is a good idea for any person to take especially thru the winter months. The deficiency rate in people living in the northern US states and in Canada is insanely high! Just made sure you take magnesium as well.

Also if you feel you are suffering from some SADD, try light therapy, if you can't find the light (they are hard to find and pricey) try going to a tanning bed. You only need 10 - 12 minutes exposure in a tanning bed to boost your vit D naturally as well as getting the light you need to lift the winter depression. You don't need to be in the bed long enough to get a tan!!!

I use both an AD and BHRT. They have been life savers for me. But we all must follow our own paths, what works for me may not for you. However, having said that, at your age, if your estrogen levels are low, I believe you SHOULD be getting some estrogen replacement as it does offer health benefits you should have. Even if a person chooses not to do HR, most women go thru menopause closer to 50, not closer to 30! But this is my opinion, and may not be shared by all.

Hi Amber,

I have been suffering exactly like you for the past 4 years. You are going through peri-menopause and Vitamin D is NOT the answer. You will likely need Bio-Identical Hormone replacements, where they test all your hormone levels and a saliva test. Then the Pharmacists make up a natural hormone replacement cream just for you to be applied to the skin. You have to go to Bodylogicmd.com and put in your name in address and it will let you know of the Docs in your state who give this treatment. It will also give you a list of pharmacies where you can pick up your meds. Not all pharmacies carry these type of all natural hormones. Don't wait as long as I did to get help as it only gets worse. Some insurances cover the Doc visit and labs and many insurances cover the hormones as they are a FDA approved prescription. If not (my insurance didn't cover any of it) you will have to pay out of pocket as I did. First labs are $450.00 and first Doc visit is $395.00. Then the script is approx $35. a month per hormone that you need replacing. I wasted so much time with regular docs and Gyns and got nowhere. These Drs. at Body Logic are MDs and many Ob-Gyns who are on the cutting edge with Bio-Identical Hormone Replacement Therapy. Your will probably have to drive quite a distance to see one and also for the pharmacy but it is the only answer. I absolutely thought I had lost my mind and the medicines (psych) they gave me made me even crazier and physically sick. Also the synthentic hormones my regular Gyn gave me did absolutely nothing. You need ALL your hormones tested (in a bloodtest) which the regular ObGyns don't do. Nor do they do the saliva testing. The website I gave you contains all of the MD's in the country who offer Bio-Identical Hormone Replacement Therapy also called (BHRT). It was rough to gather the money for this but I had to. I could no longer go on living this way. The thoughts I had running through my head were insane and I was absolutely a complete nervous wreck. Once you get better you don't have to keep going back, maybe once a year and this brings the costs down.

Mary E.

Amber,
'Crying lots' seems to be a hallmark of low estrogen. Several of my friends were also crying and sad 24/7 until they got on estradiol. You really do need your hormones tested via blood.

And BHRT doesn't have to be expensive. Call some of the noted compounding pharmacies and ask them for a list of docs in your area. Women's International Pharmacy is a highly regarded one and is where I found my GP here in town who does BHRT. You can also do bioidentical that is made by big Pharma that is generally cheaper and insurance will pay for it. I ended up ordering my own lab tests online since it was cheaper than paying out of pocket, which I have to do.

Be careful, many docs who are into the BHRT and 'anti-aging' are very overpriced so do your homework and call their offices to ask their rates.

Amber: You are so young to be having such a hard time; my heart just breaks for you. Part of me is wondering if what you are currently going through is the result of a combination of things. You state you "I hate myself." How is/was your relationship with your own immediate family-mother, father, siblings? Often when our own children get to an age where we ourselves had a very difficult time, we end up subconsciously reliving all the pain again. Hate is a powerful word to apply to yourself. You are a worthy, valuable person, who deserves to be loved and to exist in peace and harmony on this earth.

You also stated you were diagnosed with Bipolar II. I'm not sure what that means. Are you both manic and depressed? Who did the diagnosis; was it a mid-level counselor, like a social worker or therapist, or did you see an actual MD; a psychiatrist?

And then of course, there are the hormones. They can wreak havoc with your emotions; drive you crazy; make you feel like you are dying. Make sure you get your thyroid checked out thoroughly; not just TSH, but Free T4, T3, and thyroid antibodies. And also know that on any one day that they draw blood and test your hormones, it isn't going to give the 'big picture.' It's going to be a flash in time; what your ovaries were doing on that one day. It can be maddening to figure out what works and what doesn't. There isn't even a general consensus on this web site about the need/safety of hormones. I took bio identicals for a while, and they did work. I felt a lot better. But something instinctively told me to stop taking them. I can't explain it. It's a person decision. You are very, very young to be going through menopause, and I'm willing to bet your ovary is still pumping out estrogen.

Sigh. I'm not helping you very much, am I? Life is complicated; I wish I could give you one answer that I thought would solve everything. I think seeing a therapist and talking about your feelings might be a good idea. Someone you really like and trust. You can also try keeping a journal, writing down your thoughts every day...see if there is any pattern to it.

Let me ask you a question: When was the last time you remember feeling really good? Really happy and contented? What was going on then that isn't going on now? And here's another one: when was the last time you took a vacation...a good solid 1-2 weeks of just pampering yourself, relaxing, sleeping late, not worrying about every little thing.

This last suggestion may turn you off, but here goes: I used to obsess about my husband dying all the time. I confided in a friend my worries, and she said "Buy life insurance on him. Trust me, it works.' I did; I took out a substantial policy on him, and even though I still freak out when I think about losing him emotionally, at least I don't picture myself homeless if something did happen to him. I hope you don't find this suggestion cold or unfeeling, but women these days have to learn how to protect their financial futures, especially when children are involved. PM me if you want to chat more about it; I've been selling insurance for over a decade now and I could recommend some companies you might want to look at (as well as some you should definitely stay away from!)

My guess is you are going to be sorting this all out for a while...I hope you choose to stay here on PS. It's a wonderful and diverse mix of women who have great sympathy and are very comforting in times of need. We're all going through our own personal hells...fighting the demons as they crop up...putting together another 24 hours of our life and congratulating ourselves for making it through another day. Life isn't easy, Amber. But I promise you, it will be okay. One of my favorite sayings is from a French philospher (I think it's Montmarte) who said "My life has been a series of misfortunes...most of which never occured."

Hang in there, sweetie pie. Be gentle with yourself...you now have to be your own benevolent parent--to the little Amber inside of you. Declare a worry-free time of the day and do something completely useless and enjoyable..paint your toenails, take a long hot bubble bath and read the National Enquirer, rent a funny movie, and make popcorn (don't forget the butter.) When I'm really, really down, my 'last resort' strategy is that I visit a local pet store, pretend I'm in the market for a puppy (and I just might be _ and ask to hold a couple of them. It also lifts my spirits.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, Amber. Keep us posted...

Hugs,
Robin