Hello, I am a 54 year old women and have already been through menopause. I occassionally have hot flashes, but that is all. I think I started to go through menopause in my early 30's. Now I am on prempro, the lowest dose and doing just fine. I know all the stuff out there about HRT. My question is not about that. I have a girlfriend whom I have known and who has known me since age 13. We went to school together and then both moved, married, etc. I found her a couple of years ago, introduced to her a friend of my husbands and they married and she moved up to the town where I now live. We have pretty much been inseparable for the last year and a half since she got married. She says she started going through menopause alittle before she got married to her new husband. She has lots of hot flashes,some mild weight gain, and I dont really know what all else. Here is my question, other then the hot flashes and some crying now and then and gaining a 30 extra pounds! I really had no symptoms of menopause. She is not on HRT and was trying natural compounds, but recently gave them up as they were not helping her. Well, she has basically isolated herself from me and more then likely everyone else, I dont really know. There is no reason that I can think of why she does not return my phone calls, is cool to me on the phone and avoids even trying to see me. I know I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. I can not figure it out. I know she is or was quite irratated with her new husband the last time we spoke, but who isnt now and then? I am wondering if her menopause is some how contributing to her isolating herself from me? I wish I knew. I know she is concerned about her weight gain, although it is not even noticable to me and her hot flashes. She claims she is busy. Too busy to return calls and too busy all of a sudden to make time for me in her schedule. She works at home and only half days. She has put herself on this routine of trying to work out and lose weight, and she is doing some sort of a study at home called the Simple Life. I know in the study (as she also gave me one) the emphasis in the study is making time for yourself. It is really funny as one of the chapters talks about "you can always make time for those that are important to you", so in other words it is saying make time for yourself. I found it funny as all of a sudden she is like a hermit. I told her when I was going through menopause at the height of it, I gained about 30 pounds. But after about three years of not being able to lose it, all of sudden it just started to drop off. I have another really close friend the same thing happened to, she gained alot of weight and then one day it just started to drop off. SO, now I am back to my normal healthy weight and working out, etc. I dont know if she has dropped me as her friend due to the menopause and mood swings or if it is something else. I am just trying to figure it out. You would think if you have known someone since they were thirteen that you would at least owe them some sort of explanation why they no longer want to be friends. What do you all think? Am I just being paranoid and she is just all of sudden super busy? or could I be right that for whatever reason she just doesnt want to be around me right now? and if so, why not?? I guess I am extremely hurt. I looked for her for over thirty years after we graduated and when I found her it was one of the best days of my life. When she married our friend and moved up here I was so happy to have her around again. I dont get it unless it is the menopause symptoms, since all she is doing for it now is acupuncture. Let me know what you think?

It sounds like typical menopausal symptoms to me. I couldn't FORCE myself to socialize, even with some of my closest friends. It was a total nightmare for a very long time, but I felt there was nothing I could do about it. I remember a very close friend coming over to visit one night. I let her in, we sat down on the sofa, with only the light from the tv. I couldn't even turn on the lights for her, or offer her a drink. We barely talked from what I remember. I'm sure it affected our friendship, but I figure she may understand one of these days, but then again, she may not. I'm on meds now and I can get out some, but I still prefer being home.

Maybe you could ask her if you could come for a visit. No expectations. Just to be there.

Well, it is hard for me to even communicate with her. When she does answer my call she is cool and in a hurry to get off the phone. An sometimes if she is on the phone with me she answers me with some sarcastic answers. I have invited her out for lunch, but she left a message that the day I said would not work for her and maybe we could just meet for coffee one day. SO, I called her and left a message (as for whatever reason she either did not hear or did not want to talk to answer my call, as she answers them less and less and never calls me first) that I would be happy to meet her for coffee, and that I understood she probably didnt want to mess with her diet by going out to eat, but whenever she could meet would be fine for coffee. No reply. NO call from her or anything. THis past weekend I had mentioned getting together for coffee or whatever and she never even bothered to call me and tell me anything then either. Im pretty sad about it all. Like I said, I dont know what is going on. I feel like she is totally self absorbed right now and just does not have room or time for anyone else. That book I wrote about talks about all this stuff you should do for yourself, but I dont think it means at the expense of ruining friendships. I have felt for awhile that she was distancing herself from me and maybe I am just too dumb to figure it out. I really love her as my friend and like I said she is the only person left in my life (besides family siblings and my mom) that has knowns me since I was a teenager. I guess I just am not willing to allow her to just drop me from her life, especially with no explanation and especially since I dont even have a clue as to what I could of done. I just dont know how to communacate with her anymore. The last time I saw her was after her birthday this month and I felt the distancing going on before that, around christmas. I asked her to lunch so I could give her her gift, she came then. I feel like she just came because I had a present for her. When I first found her and we got together again, she gave me this sign that is hanging in my kitchen, it says. " A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out.". I feel like she has closed the door and walked out on me. I feel like I should give her back the sign to remind her. If it is menopause, ok, but tell me, if it is me, tell me that too and I will apologize or whatever, for whatever it is I may of done or she thinks I may of done. I thought maybe she thinks I am too busy for her, so I emailed her to apoligize for my busy schedule but that most of my afternoons were free if she wanted to get together. Im a busy mom, of two small children and one is in school and one at home. So my mornings are very busy going to ice skating, gymnastics, playdates, and a bible study and as well as working out ,but almost every afternoon I am free. I had told her in the email I was a bit upset and wanted to talk to her. She just emailed back and said she was busy and sorry I was upset and hopefully whatever it was would work itself out. She didnt even realize I was talking about being upset about how she is treating me. Or not treating me. That made me think that maybe she is just really having a tough time with the mood swings and menopause and really totally self absorbed in herself and her problems with that. She didnt even bother to ask in the email what it was that was upsetting me. So, where do I go from here. I dont want to appear like I am a disperate friend. I just really care about her and it is really hard to find a friend that you have known most of your life. I have many friends , many, but not any friendships that have the history to them that ours does., Do I just let the friendship slip away and do I really even have a choice in the matter if she doesnt want to socialize? I have a valentines present for her, but do not want to use that as a way to make her get out of the house to come to see me, like her birthday present did. You know what I mean? SO, should I just show up at her house and ask her about it again? I have asked about it before, saying I felt as if she were mad at me and did I do something, she said no. So, should I try just showing up again and asking her about it again or forget it?

I'm 42 and in the midst of meno. I am finding since hitting meno that I am choosing to REEVALUATE most of my friendships. I have a friend who has been like a sister to me since I was 8. Lives half a mile away and we no longer speak. Because of ME we no longer speak. I realized that some people in my life were not really my friends. Some friendships were very one sided and I no longer felt comfortable in them. I have tended to hobbitize myself. Not because I don't like my friends but it's more of a self preservation mode right now for me. Give her time. Believe it or not even the IDEA of maintaining friendships during meno can be EXHAUSTING!

Shannonalaeb,

I have a friend doing the exact same thing to me. I don't know why she's mad at me either, but I suspect it has something to do with her lover breaking up with her last fall. She was in a terrible place over it and I was the supporting friend. I invited her out -- she'd either ignore my emails and texts, say she would meet me and then back out or just say "no" she was home crying. Well I made the suggestion that she not be afraid to seek help as I felt she was in a serious depression (she was no longer doing things she enjoyed and basically stayed home crying for weeks on end). Anyway, that's the only thing I can think that she could be upset with me about but I don't think I was wrong in suggesting it. I have offered to do whatever she wanted to try to get her to do the things she used to enjoy. I am very sad over the whole thing because we have been good friends for many years. She's in my book club, so I see her each month, but she is not warm towards me any more. I have given up trying to entice her to go out and do something with me or to lend an ear if she wants to talk -- I decided instead that I would wait until/if she decides to seek me out. Honestly, I don't have the energy or inclination to chase her anymore.

I don't know if she is acting this way because of peri (she probably is on this journey now although I don't think she may recognize it), but I know that I am reacting to her now because I am in peri. I just don't need the drama in my life. So I am seeking out other people as friends who are positive and fun instead.

Maybe you need to let it go for now and just leave it to her to come back to you ... or not? :-)

Take care.

Could she be having a battle with depression? When I started menopause and even during the years of menopause I pretty much stopped calling my friends. I could not even stand a phonecall. I stopped answering the phone. I only talked to and socialized with my man and my family. I was so bad that if I saw a friend in public and knew they didn't see me I would duck and hide. My mother used to do this when I was younger. All of her closest friends used to come visit and they would go places together and then just like that she withdrew from them. If we saw one of her friends in public I would say there is Mrs so and so and my mother would say she didn't want to talk to anybody and we would leave without speaking. This confused me until it started happening to me. I became a loner. It was nothing against my friends, it was just me.

Now I realize it was depression but I certainly did not know it then. Sadly those friendships are no longer there. My advice to you is to email your friend and just let her know that you will be there if she needs you and let her initiate the contact. If a lot of time passes and you haven't heard from her, then try once again and if that doesn't work just leave her alone.

I know it's hurtful, but try not to take it personally. You have gone above and beyond where your friendship with her is concerned. She is the one with the problem.

Hello and welcome!

You wonder if this is normal behaviour...I personally think it is common behaviour, but whether or not it is normal is for the true experts to answer.

I often isolate myself. It is especially like this when the weather is miserable outside and I just do not have as much energy and am feeling down on myself.

Personally speaking, I get discouraged by the competitive nature of the human being. This occurs for me in friendships as well. I have quite a few long old friendships. One that goes back to grade 3. She is a wonderful person but can make some very competitive sounding comments in rebuttal to a comment I have made. For example when she is talking about labour with me or someone else for that matter, she will brag that she "popped" her son out. That is just one example however. Just yesterday her and my other friend were talking about making pancakes. My other friend and I often use pancake mix - not her...she has NEVER done that. To which I responded - well then you win! We all laughed.

She sailed through menopause, with the exception of hot flashes and a few minor aches and pains. I too in fact had very little in the way of symptoms really. Our mutual friend however is struggling with certain issues. We have to be very careful not to come across boastfully with her. It is very intimidating to do that. The last thing we want to do is make her feel like isolating herself from us.

Perhaps she just feels like withdrawing because she feels somewhat fragile either physically and mentally or perhaps even both. I would not foresake the friendship entirely because it is probably just a phase and she meant that sentiment to you in the gift that she gave to you. I sense that she feels on some level as though she just doesn't measure up with others around her from time to time and hence the gift that she gave to you. You do NOT do that to her.

When she is feeling this way towards you (these are her feelings - not necessarily logical either but nevertheless) try to remember that love is something that we do with others quite often when they are unlovable.

I hope that I have provided some insight. Don't give up on her.

Sincerely,
Suzanne

Ya know... when you're your not feeling well it's easy to isolate yourself. Don't let this hurt your feelings, I doubt it has anything to do with you.

I'd keep calling, and I'd keep leaving messages. I would just be the best person/friend that I could be.

Thank you all for your input. Ladybugs, I was wondering are you unhappy that you no longer speak to the friend you said was like a sister to you? All the advice and input was very useful and helpful for me. I guess she did call my house today and talk to my husband. She said she wanted to drop by and see me. I wasnt home. Another friend asked me out to lunch so that is what I did. I called her back but of course she didnt answer the phone. I had another friend call me last night. She told me a friend of ours daughter killed herself , hung herself. After the phone call I kind of felt like, "you know what?" If my girlfriend wants to have a relationship that is fine, but I am not going to tear myself up over her silence. I know for a fact I did nothing to initiate her treatment. Infact I have went way over board with her since the day I found her. My husband even went over to their house and built cabinets in her bathroom down stairs so she could have her basement done intime for Christmas and family coming. I read some more of the book she gave me and study, The Simple Life, she gave me last night. It is nothing I would ever even consider doing. It is mostly about self absorbtion. A what can I do for me sort of book. Everyday it has something to do for yourself, for example, close your eyes and picture yourself in a room with mirrors looking at a beautiful women and that women is you. Blah, blah, blah, Another day it says to do a scrap book with pictures of all the hopes and dreams you have for your life and imagine them coming true, blah blah blah. So, I imagine with all that work of 'self" she is too busy for anyone. I know before I found her in April of 2007 she was doing that same sort of thing. It is not a book I would ever do, or even imagine doing. I am doing a bible study and am believing God for all my needs. I dont really have any idea what all she could possibly want anyway, as the man she married has given her a better life then she has ever had in her life. A new home, an opportunity to only have to work part time and at home and all kinds of material things and travel opportunities then she has ever had in her life. Not only that, he is a kind, decent man, unlike the alcoholics she tended to marry in the past. Anyway, after my other girlfriend called me last night, and told me about our friends daughter, it really just put this thing with my friend in perspective. Life is short, we dont know how long we have on earth. I left her a kind message on her cell phone today and that will be the end of my 'chasing' after her. I told her I loved her and missed her, was worried about her, and hoped to hear from her. But, no she didnt return that call either. I am actually her only friend here in town. She has met maybe one or two other women , but that is about it, and they are not close friends. So, I guess the best course is to leave her alone. I have prayed and put it in Gods hands. I cant tear myself up over it any longer. I have decided I will just cultavate my other girl friendships and let her do whatever it is she wants to do. I feel bad for her as I am a good friend to her and she is going to regret the loss one day. Maybe. Who really knows. I cant put myself in her shoes, so have no idea what the heck she is even thinking. I know she is not too busy to make time for coffee or whatever. She works at home, at her own hours, has no children and can make her own schedule. I on the other hand have , at my old age, two small children, one 8 and one 3 years old. I do have reasons to be busy. I am a stay at home mom, but stay at home is really a laugh with my schedule of Ice Hockey for our son, ice skating, gymnastics, playdates for our daughter. Bible study for me as well as trying to work out everyday so I can live long enough to raise these two precious gifts. So, she has really no excuse for not calling or returning calls. If I can find the time, she certainly could. All she is doing is really insulting me. I have decided to just let it be. I do love her and care about what happens to her, but I am busy. I have done alot for her and it has mostly been one sided the whole time since I have found her again. I have been remembering how she was even way back in high school and she was pretty self absorbed even back then. So, if she wants a friendship, I will be here. If not, I will let her go and pray for the best for her. Thanks for your input really. I have just been so upset by this all! I imagine I will be for awhile yet. I looked for her for a long time, for whatever reason. SO, it hurts to just let our friendship go. With no good reason. It is ridiculous really. I told my husband with some of her comments she use to make to me, I am thinking that maybe she is abit jealous of me or something. That is ridiculous too, as friends should not be jealous of other friends, but be happy for them for the good things that come into their lives. I was and am happy for her, that she finially has a "Simple Life" of not worrying about bills and being able to sit back and just worry about being happy. But, I think she is so worried by the way she is thinking and thinking she is looking that it is ruining her life. I worry for her new marriage also. Anyway.... I guess I could go on and on. It just will take a while for me to process the loss. If that is what it will be. You can only keep calling and keep leaving message for so long and pretty soon you start to feel like a stalker or something. Anyway.......Thank you thank you thank you!

Shannon, I'm sorry that you and your friends are going through this difficult time.

I can tell you that I, too, isolated myself from my best friends. I would not answer the phone, I would not answer the door, I did not go out! One just gave up on me totally, the other has stuck by me through all of it. If I'm in the hospital she is there. If I dont' answer she continues to call and email until I do. I cannot for the life of me explain it to you because it is just as foreign to me as it is to you...except that I think you just feel so helpless and so unable to do anything about anything!

Hormones do the darndest things!

TJ

Thanks TJ, That helps me alot knowing that you went or are going through that. It at least explains to me why she is acting the way she is. I dont want to give up on our friendship as we have a long history together and it would be a very difficult thing for me to just walk out of her life. I do feel like a stalker though when she is obivious ignoring all my calls., Thanks again.

Hello ladies,

I too have re-evaluated my friendships and realized some were based on where I was at a particular time of my life and not that vested in the long run. One friend I've known for 26 years and she and hubbie went to hs with my hubbie so they go back even longer. I knew she was always quite opinionated but it became condescending after a while with me in the bulleyes...I honestly began to think she hated me but I hung around

Then one time we were all out to dinner and the topic of kids came up and she point blank told us my oldest was a spoiled brat and she felt sorry for my younger daughter she had such a sister!!!!!!! (For the record, this daughter fought for all she has, we had limited funds when she was growing up so spoiled was impossible but she is very successful adult and does very well in her life...guess maybe jealously?)

We sat there in shock (hubbie and I) and at that moment realized that friend was not a friend at all and she only filled a time in ours lives that was over at that moment (it wasn't the 1st time she sidelined us with a rude comment towards something we did, just the most hurtful)...

Funny thing is, she probably thinks she did nothing wrong becasue she'll always spout off: "I say what I think and if someone doesn't like it, too bad..."!!!!!!

Our invites are now through the husband and we kindly decline...sad thing is, he's an absolute sweetheart ....

Toxic friends are not necessary in our lives ever but especially at this time of our lives

Oh momz that is so sad. I hope your hubby makes a point of talking to this male friend of hs from time to time. He can't help it that his wife is so mean spirited and blunt. Perhaps they can maintain a friendship somewhat even though you feel this way about the woman? How very sad.

Sincerely,
Suzanne

Sad about it? Yes and no. The funny thing about us is we may not speak for years (her husband does long haul and she goes with) then we get back together and it was like we were visiting yesterday. I guess that's the sistery part. She's one of those friends who you take with a grain of salt so I chose years and years ago to not really "buddy buddy" with her so it's a bit different for us. Yes, I miss her. I see her house everytime I drive uptown and think "ya know I really should stop in" but for some reason I never do and I don't really know why. I do know when we are together I feel.....about 16 again. Not something that's really comfortable for me SINCE I began menopause. It's a part I am ready to leave behind. make sense?

I agree with you regarding toxic friends... I think for me I knew that for them it was "groundhog day" every time I spoke with them. It was the same song that I was singing and I didn't want to put them through that.

As far as toxic people for me, actually the one that doesn't call actually was sort of that way... We've known each other since we were in elementary school and she has her ways. I loved her so I put up with them. However, in the past six years I started saying what I felt and it didn't go down so well I actually told her that her husband was cheating adn where she could find him at, and I don't think she forgave me for it.... He always cheated, however! Now they are raising his "love child." I always tell her that I could not do it and that she's a better woman than me...and I mean that!

TJ

Thanks so much Suzanne and actually, they work together so they see each other daily. They trade updates on how all our kids are doing and exchange invites, something wives usually do but.....

As I said, he's a doll of a guy and I wonder if he realizes how hurtfully blunt his wife can be. Maybe someday, things may come around but for right now, I'm taking a sabbatical from the nasties

Hello Girls, Thank you all for your input. I could not sleep last night for thinking about it all so I got up and wrote my friend an email. Just basically said all I said here in it. She wrote me back and was just shocked that I even thought she was avoiding me and that she had just been having a really rough couple of weeks that had nothing to do with me. But the more I read her letter the more I realized that some of it had to do with me. I was not as sensitive to her one time when we were talking. She is struggling with her weight and I was going on and on about my personal trainer and how he said how fit I was and in shape, blah, blah. I told her all this and she told me it was not the thing she needed to here at that moment. I was insensitive to what she is going through or feeling. To me she looks fine, and that is not a lie. She might of gained five pounds or so in the last year or so, but she thinks she has gained more and feels bloated and fat and all of that. I didnt have all those emotions or too many problems going through menopause. So, it is hard for me to understand all of them. She really is having a horrible time. She stopped taking all HTR , including the natural compounds and so she was totally lacking in estragen it was causing havic in her body. I guess I also hurt her feelings unintentionally back around Christmas time. We started up a girls day every Tuesday in the fall where we would get together and work on crafts. She was teaching me how to make a quilt. When Christmas came I realized that after Christmas I was going to just have too much to do, with my little girl starting ice skating, me going back to gym, me starting a new bible study and my little girl in Gymnastics that I was going to have to give up the Tuesday girlfriend day for awhile. I guess I just sort of bluntly emailed her and told her I was going to be too busy to have Tuesdays and would have to get all my stuff back and bring back to my house. It hurt her feelings and she didnt tell me. Thinking back, I could of handled that a bit more sensitively. It is hard for me to really or was hard for me to know what she was going through, until now, so I was just not as sensitive to what she is going through as I should of been. So, it was a good thing all this happened. It let both of us clear the air and get things figured out. I would never intentionally hurt her. Now I know and understand totally more of what is happening to her emotions and body. I feel badly for not being more intune to it early on. It was around christmas when I felt she was distancing herself from me. I guess that is when I asked her to get all my stuff from her house packed up so I could bring it home. I know I didnt handle that the right way. I really have learned alot by reading some of the stuff on this site. I guess I am blessed that I did not have all the problems that some of the women here have had to deal with. But I have been on the lowest dose of Prempro for at least ten years. My dr. says it is not enough to hurt me, but who really knows. I am trusting God with my life. I guess those of you that go the natural route and do not take the synthetic hormones should all get Hero medals as I am just not strong enough to go through all of what you all go through and what my girlfriend is going through. Anyway, it seems that the air is cleared for my friend and I. I guess it is good that all this came to a head so that I could better understand how she is feeling and be more intune with it and sensitive to her and so she could let me know how I had hurt her feelings way back around christmas. I guess sometimes , some of us, like me, are just insensitive idoits!! Im thankful for all the information you guys gave to me. It has helped me to be a better friend to my friend. Thank you! (sorry for some of spelling errors. I couldnt get the spell checker to work for me!!)

OH!! PS........She also called me and invited me to coffee today. However, I couldnt go because our little girl had a birthday party to go to and our son had a hockey game. But she did call and she did invite me!! We are going to get together on Monday. I feel very badly for her after talking to her on the phone today. She is really having a horribly rough time with this menopause thing and not to mention some other problems in her family. I am just an insensitive boob. But, happy that I have learned that and happy that I will be more sensitive to her feelings and problems now. Thank you again.

Shan, perhaps you should share Power Surge with your friend? She may find some support here that she really could use right now...just like you did!!! For some of us less fortunates, meno is a very rough time. I wish I was one of those who just breeze thru it.