I need some input. I have a sister who lives four states away. She has put herself voluntarily into this situation for her husbands sake and is now miserable and seems to want the world to know it. I listened to her last night do this poor pity me crap and I've had it! I can not listen to this anymore. She seems to thing everyone dumps their problems on her and no one listens to HER! Well, I do and I even get told I don't listen! In my book is you are so damn miserable (whether your husband will move with you or not becomes irrelavent) then change your situation! YOU and only YOU are responsible for your happiness. You put yourself in this spot. If you don't like it get the heck out! I have been saying this for YEARS to this woman but she does NOTHING to change her situation...yet she always has time to tell me how screwed up MY life is hmmmmm...see something here? My husband says she is just one of those people who when miserable needs to make everyone else around her miserable so she can feel better. How do you DEAL with people like this? I LOVE my sister and hate to see her hurting but damn it if she is so bad off WHY won't she do something about it???!!! How do I tell her I can take no more!

It's a tough one. I have the same thing going on with my best friend. She is in a horrible, abusive relationship with a man she married 10 years ago. She has no children, and plenty of money. She could just up and leave any time she wants . But no, she stays, and complains. Daily. I call people like this "professional victims." Your sister is obviously getting some sort of perverse satisfaction out of staying where she is and not changing. But that doesn't mean you have to listen to it.

Tell her "Look, I've made a resolution for 2009; only positive people and positive experiences are going to be in my life. If you have a problem, and you can solve it, then go right ahead, I'll support you 100%. But I can't afford to rehearse hurtful situations over and over again...it's like running in circles. It's nothing against you personally, I'm just trying to take better care of myself."

If she starts the complaining, change the subject. If she persists, tell her you have to get going, there are a bunch of things you need to get done.

Boundaries. It's all about boundaries. You can say all of this to her along with "I love you, you are my sister, and I'll never abandon you, but my life needs to be about moving forward and thinking positively....you take care now..." And then hang up.

She is using you as an emotional punching bag, and you have unconsciouly been letting her. Also, this crap about her telling you how screwed up YOUR life is? Uh-uh. That's not acceptable. If she starts doing that, it's as simple as just saying (loudly) "STOP. No negatives, please." It sounds simple, and it is. You can no longer hear bad things about yourself, because it doesn't help and makes you physically stressed and upset. Assert yourself; you can do it!!!!

Hope this helps...good luck...

Thank you! That makes so much sense! After working a 12 hour day yesterday I get off work and she calls and I listen to her bi*ch about her job for over an HOUR! I wanted to relax not listen to her crap but I am not going to do this anymore. I have decided to write her a letter telling her "nicely" I hope, how she makes me feel and that I feel she is abusing our relationship and that I want it to stop NOW. Don't like you situation? Change it! If you chose to continue wallowing in it don't complain. Uh oh...maybe I'll write the letter and let you girls "critique" (sp?) for me first huh?

See? THIS is where the meno liberated woman who has an overbearing mouth suddenly can get herself into a lot of trouble! He he he!

I'm in a very similar situation. It's a tough one for sure. What I do is listen to her for a bit.... try to point out the positives in her life, then I get off the phone. I can't change my sister, but I do love her, so I just try to be honest with her. I told her last night if we're not part of the solution, then we're part of the problem. I wished her well, told her I loved her, than I hung up.

So I guess my answer on how I deal with it is I just love her for who she is, and I don't spend anytime getting caught up in her drama. When she's ready to help herself, she will. I admit though, there are times when I see her number on my display, and don't answer.

Also... I wouldn't have listened to her for an hour. I would have given her 5 minutes. I just can't spend my energy that way anymore.

Excellent advice Robin...

Suzanne

I know all about the liberated mouth you are talking about. Here is a quick story of how my mouth got me in trouble just yesterday!! I have or I guess I should say had a friend I talked to over the internet that I met on a chat place. Other then this place I had never been on any of those other sites but did go to one site a couple of times and did meet this lady and enjoyed her. We ended up exchanging email address and had become pretty close over the last year and a half. For the most part we have similar lives and had a lot in common but our down fall has always been she lives in Canada and I'm in the US. I'm 43 and I have never had a negitive thought about Canada and still don't but this lady had a lot to say bad about the US. I have always been the kind of person that doesn't like to get into arguments (my husband might not agree) so for the most part I just ignored it when she made her snotty comments about the US. We ended up talking about Obama and all she could do was make fun of him screwing up his oath. All I said back was that he did fumble a couple of words but his speech was flawless and wonderful but she had to tell me again how funny it was that he fumbled and he couldn't speak much better then Bush. When I found out why Obama fumbled I sent her a link to the website and told her it really wasn't his fault and I really don't think I was rude about it. That was a big mistake!! She sent me one back and told me he still had screwed up this or that and yes it did tick me off a bit. I sent something back and all I said was fine he screwed up a couple of things but WHO CARES!! I must have gotten about 5 emails yesterday that had some stupid comments on them from this lady but she always ended it with LOL and I guess if you put an LOL at the end then it ok to say stupid things. Now to how my overbearing mouth lost me a friend. I got tired of it and sent her one back and said I wasn't enjoying her emails and I thought she was intentioinally trying to be an ass (bad word to use and I know that now) and that I didn't much care for it. I knew that second I hit the send button that I was going to get the "I don't want to be your friend anymore" email back and sure enough I did. I guess I deserved it and should have left it alone but for some reason I just couldn't!!

The point of my long post is.....just be prepared for what might come back to you if you say your peace!!

How weird that she called as I was reading all these responses. She told me once again she and hubby had talked and she finally DECIDED she was going to do with her life what she wanted (yes, I have heard this MANY times in the last two years) and I kinda lost it. I told her I was writing her a letter over the weekend and she probably would not care for some of the content (we are a very outspoken family if you cant tell) but I felt as an outside observer she needed to hear some things. She asked like what so I started talking....and talking...and talking some more. I told her I have heard her say the same things over and over. You talk the talk but when it comes time for action..it's simply not there. She agreed wholeheartedly. I told her she should really analyze her marriage and look at BOTH sides, not just hers. Have you ever wondered WHY your husband doesn't seem to want to spend time with you? Made her stop and think because she automatically blamed herself and I said it may have NOTHING to do with her, than again it might. I told her to just think about it. We talked about her negative attitude towards life and once again she wants to move back home and I told her the only one who can make that happen is YOU. Stop asking for your husbands approval. If you want to do something DO it. I know he would move with her but she is scared he won't. I know all this sounds a bit brutal but we speak out minds with each other. We hung up and she called me back about ten min later. "I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you and that you listen and care, I'll call you later" and we said goodbye. She is so loved by her family. I really hope she knows that.