I'm always good at comforting others and telling everyone it will be okay. I cannot seem to extend this to myself.

The flashes in my left eye got worse over the weekend...plus I have a constant headache. I just called the retinal specialist and he wants to see me this afternoon (I just saw him Friday) and schedule an MRI to make sure nothing is going on in my brain. I am paralyzed with fear over this.

Please, someone tell me that I do not have MS or a brain tumor (please God). And if I do, how am I going to cope with this? I feel like I'm being held together by a tiny string, and it could break at any moment.

Is this the end of my life? Is this all the life I get to live? I'm trying so hard to react 'appropriately.' It's not working. I guess if I'm meant to die young, then I'm meant to die young. We don't get to choose how long we live, unfortunately. I always thought of myself as strong...I've overcome so much in my life---all the physical abuse as child and young adult...the epilepsy finally dx'd in my thirties---the breast cancer scare that required surgery---losing 2 pregnancies in my second trimester (1st marriage)---going through a divorce--11 years as a single parent, living in a one bedroom tiny house and sleeping on the couch every night. Then finallly finding Michael, only to have him fired and arrested a year later. The sensationalism of his case...all the media and the hate mail and the crank calls...losing all our friends. My awful mother and her constant verbal abuse of me.

And through it all, I tried to be upbeat and cheerful. I started my own business...I trained my husband to work with me. My daughter got into a good college and is thriving. I work out every day--ate lots of good food, drank 8-10 glasses of water. All that crap. And to what avail? For this? To go through full blown menopause at age 45, only to be diagnosed with not one, but TWO forms of corneal dystrophy, and told that I would need a double corneal transplant or go blind? Okay, fine, I accepted it. Now this. Crushing headaches, flashing lights, and the vision in my left eye is so bad that if I cover my right eye, everything just looks like a big blur of color (i can make out shapes a little bit, but that's it.)

I'm babbling...pls forgive me and just let me vent. 2 weeks ago I get a call from my parents that they do not want to see me when I come to Florida (a trip that probably isn't going to happen because of this latest crisis.) My father's exact words "we would prefer that your visits be INFREQUENT." I haven't seem them in over TWO YEARS! I "upset" my mother. Seeing me is "traumatic" for her. Why? I'm too loud. I talk too much. I don't act lady-like (its' not like I sit around puffing on cigars and belching, girls. But I do like to discuss politics and I'm not afraid to talk about my business. One time at a dinner party--I was like 20 years old--my mother overheard me telling someone that I thought Ronald Regan was an awful president and she came right up to me, said "SHUT UP" and slapped me hard across the face. Right in front of party guests. I was humiliated.) All the head trauma...that's all I keep thinking. She was always smacking me, slapping me, punching me, IN THE HEAD. Spanking on the fanny wasn't viscious enough...she needed to see blood and knock me down. I was always getting nosebleeds from being punched in the face. My father would open my bedroom door, throw a box of Kleenex in, and slam the door shut. All these eye doctors keep asking me about 'head trauma' or "injury to my eyes." And then they want to know how much, how often, did I ever lose conciousness? It's like re-running a horror movie over and over again. Yes, she caused injury to my head so many times I cannot count. She hated me. She would punch me in the head over and over again all the while saying "I hate, hate, hate you. I wish you were never born. Why won't you DIE?"

She denies all of it. It's all made up; I'm just a big drama queen who makes up stories, according to her.

I just cancelled my afternoon appointments and tomorrow's too. That means no money (I'm not on a salary...I work on commissions only.) But who cares...I need to be okay. I have had so many health scares in my life...so many times I thought "well this is it." I've got my whole funeral planned. I pray often and hard, but people who don't believe in an afterlife shake me up. Look at me, I've got myself dead and I haven't even had the damned MRI yet.

How do I cope? What do I do? I'm crying so hard right now. How am I supposed to 'do' my life, when so many things keep happening? I know, I know, it could be worse. I could live in Afghanistan. I could have been in the towers on 9/11. Where does gratefulness end and appropriate self-pity begin? Is there such a thing as appropriate self-pity? Am I just a selfish, rotten brat like my mother tells me constantly? She claims that all my health problems are my own fault. If I weren't so (fill in the blank) than I would be health as a horse. If I do die, I want someone, anyone to walk right up to her and slap her in the face, hard. And say "That was from your daughter." But that kind of thinking isn't exactly pleasing to God, is it?

I'm fully aware that this post sounds hysterical and all over the place. I need someone to be objective and reasonable and state facts that will ease my fears. I need a 'me' to talk to (I really hope that doesn't come off as sounding egotistical.)

I'm so scared. I'm so incredibly scared. There is no safe place to go to...not in my mind, not in my house, not in my world. There is no mother to hug. My husband can't cope with this at all. I have to be calm for HIM.

Maybe it's better off if my life does end here. I'm miserable anyways. It's always been an uphill battle for me. When the person who gives birth to you detests you, life is not good, believe me.

I guess I better end here. There is no rhyme or reason to this post anyways. I'm sorry everyone. Please know that I'm very, very sorry.

Robin, I have a tendency to think the worst, just as you do. We've both had so much trauma in our lives of course we think that the worst will happen.

I had an MRI scheduled last year, when I was feeling faint. I was referred to a neurologist to rule anything out, and the doctor was telling me, depending upon what the MRI showed, that I would have to go into the hospital, have wires poking out of my head, to track my "seizures". She really scared me. Well, when it came time to have the MRI I told them I had a buckle in my eye (for my detached retina), and they told me to check with my opthalmologist to see what type it was, since the MRI could affect it. That's all I needed--to have a test hat would undo my delicate eye surgery!

Well, I refused the MRI and started feeling better, and I'm sure the hormone fluctuations were making me feel faint.

This neurologist, instead of just saying "Let's take this test and see if anything turns up" went down the path of telling me 1) if the MRI shows something up you'll need to go to the hospital, 2) it will verify that you're having "seizures", 3) you'll have to be closely monitored with electrodes in your head, and 4) you'll have to take medication to control the seizures. All this because I was feeling faint on and off. What a quack!!

I'm sure your doctor is just doing this to rule anything out--DON'T worry.

If you get nervous with your test, just think of all of us here holding your hand.

As with my mother, she would NEVER admit to anything she had done wrong. Our mothers were "perfect mothers" with their twisted, warped, sense of what being a mother means.

Maybe your mother is coming to grips with how she treated you, which is why she wants infrequent visits.

Keep us all posted.

Frisbee

Robin,
I agree with Frisbee, the doc is doing this just to rule out other things. Chances are it is nothing to do with your brain. Are they sure it's not an unrelenting migraine? Because I had one once with the eye flashes and massive headache, had an MRI (I was sure I had a brain tumor or aneurysm) and it turned out to be a migraine. I had even lost my ability to speak coherently. It was the only time that had happened to that degree. I am not a regular migraine sufferer, maybe had 4-5 altogether.

One thing I did find that seemed to trigger them (and I've since done research that confirms it can be a trigger) is ingesting anything with Nutrasweet (Aspartame). It's in gum, drinks, foods, things you would never think it's in.

Please do not allow your mind to do the 'what if' thing. Just keep saying to yourself "Everything will be fine, I will be OK no matter what" everytime you catch your thoughts spinning out of control. The Serenity Prayer is helpful. Just take control of your mind by replacing the scary thoughts with better ones.

I will pray for things to work out well for you and for you to be at peace with this.

((((BIG HUGS ROBIN))))

I second that for Robin! BIG, BIG HUGS

Thanks everyone. Sariah: I was told originally (by that jerk of a doctor who said if I wanted to avoid any future eye problems, then I should die. ) that if it were indeed a migraine, then I would be having symptoms in both eyes, not just one. And the flashing would last for 20 minutes or more. This is different. Sometimes I have a bright white arc of light in the corner of my eye. Other times it looks like great big, glowing globs of 'stuff' dripping down my field of vision.

The retinal specialist told me to avoid bending (??) lifting, pushing, pulling, or dragging. What scares me the most is the possibility of a neurological problems (like MS) or a brain tumor. I had a CT scan of my head 2 years ago, but I haven't had an MRI in over 20 years.

My husband is not handling this well. He keeps telling to just "not think about it." The man means well--he has a big heart--but his attempts to comfort me are clumsy.

Among my circle of friends, and family that I can stand, I'm the one everyone runs to when there is a medical problem. I am good at researching, comforting, and being calm. I will always go with anyone to any sort of appointment or procedure, or test, and hold their hand. Now it's my turn, and there isn't anybody. I just got off the phone with my supervisor (I'm basically self employed, but within the insurance industry, there is a hierarchy for each company I'm contracted with.) He wanted to know why I wasn't working today, and what I was doing tomorrow. When I told him what was going on, he seemed annoyed. I tried explaining it a bit more, but his response was "Whatever. You're the one who is going to lose money." Click. This guy has the compassion of a screen door. Stupid kid (he is in his early thirties...let's see how he handles it when his body starts breaking down someday.) He has mocked me before for mentioning my menopausal symptoms......I've had bad hot flashes at trainings, etc, and he makes inappropriate jokes about me 'getting hot and bothered.' His wife has no problems at all. His wife is a perfect stay at home mom who makes her own greeting cards and rubber stamps. (Did I mention she is in her twenties?) I asked her once what she did for work and her reply was "Well, I am quite active in our cul-de-sac." Huh? (Any cul-de-sac dwellers, no offense intended.)

Sorry, I'm nervous and ranting like a loon. Hubby is in the shower....I am manically eating pistachio nuts in the shell...the process of peeling them is helping to bleed off my anxiety. I hate getting in the shower--the flashes get worse--I'm going to try showering with my eyes closed.

Frisbee: You and should meet someday--we sound like we were raised together!

Robin, I was sitting at my desk crying (emotional reasons, period due soon I guess) and I decided to go to PS and I read your post first. I know how you feel. I always imagine the worst also when I have to do tests, it is just human nature...that is something you would say to us on here. Have the MRI and when it is all over, you will see you don't have a brain tumor or MS. I know what you have been through is hell, but I want to believe that you will see an end to this and move forward with your life in a happier way. I know you will be happy one day. There are so many things you have to work out and I pray that you do work them out one day.

My father was always my hero, I was his daddy's little girl....He married a woman 30 years younger than him and 9 years older than me....he has been with her since she was very young. She has always had issues with me as a little girl..I always felt she hated me...she was always jealous of me and my dad's relationship. At the age of 39, I could not take her pathetic nasty ways anymore and one day I exploded on her, I just went off and off and off on her and I was out of control...all the emotions from years of her nastiness came out. My father was not present that day. I left their house that day as I was visiting them and I went and stayed at my mom's house. She gave him her side of the story. My father and are no longer close. We spoke maybe once or twice after that, but I have not talked to him in over a year and he has no desire to talk to me. I guess his wife is his everything. There are times I hate him and I hate her, but I try to do what God would want me to do and not hate them. Robin, I know how you feel when you say your own parents cannot be there to hug you or hold you and tell you it will be okay. Who do you turn to?? They gave us life, how can they just turn around and not love their own children.

You have the support of us here on PS...you can always come here for support.

I wish you the best and I pray and hope your MRI turns out normal, as I am sure it will.

Jas

Hi Robin - I want to extend to you some words of comfort as well. You have been through so much...look at all that you have risen above from in the past. I admire what YOU have accomplished in your life. You will be able to deal with this sitaution as well. Try not to jump to conclusions...Sounds to me like you have a very thorough Doctor. I too agree with Frisbee. We will all be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers - and are awaiting to hear from you with respect to updates.

God bless,
Suzanne

Yes, I think we have been living parallel lives, Robin!

I have just eaten a 2 lb bag of pistachios. I'm going to drag my nut-swollen body into the shower and then we're off to the retinal specialist. I wish I could get the MRI today, but it will probably be scheduled for tomorrow or later in the week.

If for any reason I cannot type or see, my DH will come on and post about my condition. (And he really is who he says he is! It's pretty easy to find out who I am and where I live anyways, since we were front page news for a couple of weeks this past summer.)

I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you...my special sisters.

Here we go...

Robin,
Sending positive vibes and BIG HUGS your way!! You have been through so much, and you will get through this too, whatever it is!!

Healing Hugs,
Di

bchgir: Sorry, I didn't mean to dismiss what you wrote. That must have been extraordinarily painful for you. My father essentially told me the same thing: That between my mother and me, there is no contest. She wins, hands down. You know, I have blamed my mother all my life, but my father was just as complicit in the abuse. He never stopped her (although he did remove me from the house and make me live with his mother when I was a baby...he caught my mother trying to smother me to death--I was an infant.) She has some kind of 'hold' over him. I don't know what. She isn't warm or affectionate or compassionate. She hates children, all children, and especially babies (won't hold one to save her life.)

My father is 100%, first generation Italian (think Tony Soprano, but without the murders and extortion)When I was a little girl he was always telling me that my mother was a superior woman, and that I was a "nobody." One of my most vivid memories is of my father using a little pen knife to scrape some dirt from under his fingernail, and showing it to me, and saying "See this? The dirt under my fingernails is worth more than you." I just nodded and accepted it. I was very young at the time. He would say this a lot. What in the world was his point? I mean, why say that to your young and only daughter? Was I that much of a monster?

When I was 5 years old, my father had his boss over for dinner. I came out, all dressed up in a fancy dress, and they introduced me to him. He bent down to shake my little hand, and apparently I blurted out: "Hello sir...how come you have all that hair in your nose holes?" Shortly after that my father got fired, and the 'nose hair' incident was blamed. It was my fault my father lost his job. What should have been a cute family story has been turned into a "she was born bad" type evidence. Every time my father gets drunk (which is often; he is basically a functional alcholic) he tells that story. I cringe when he tells it. Funny, they don't remember EVER abusing me, but they have picture perfect recall of every blunder, misstep, and failure of mine. (I failed my drivers' license test the first time....my mother tells the story with glee.)

Why am I thinking about my abusive parents when I'm in the middle of this eye crisis? What is wrong with me?

Sigh. Okay...enough pistachios. Off to the showers, this time, I promise. I'll post later on and tell y'all what happens.

Love to everyone,

Robin

Robin I was diagnosed with central serous retinopathy in my right eye.
It’s related to stress, I keep having flare ups and have to wear sunglasses when I’m out even on a cloudy day!
Look it up and ask your doctor about it.
Most of the time it's in one eye and Flashes of lights hit me hard at times of stress.

My Mother is now gone and I have spent years suffering from the effect of my childhood.
Even my Dad was a victim!
All I know is right now I am extremely unsatisfied with my life!

Just because other people suffering is worse, doesn’t mean your pain don’t count!
It’s not a competition!
It’s hard to feel gratitude for the good things in life when you’re suffering.

Robin: After my vitreous detachment, I was told to expect -- and indeed did experience -- lots and lots of floaters in the affected eye for about two weeks after the initial incident. The vitreous breaks away from the retina, and that causes a lot of little debris particles to get released into the eye where you can pick them up in your field of vision. My doctor told me it was sort of like my eye was a snowglobe that someone had just shaken up, and there would be lots of those little snow particles flying for awhile until things settled back down. It did kind of freak me out that I had all those floaters for a couple of weeks, but they did indeed settle down, just as I was told they would. I still do get floaters, but nothing like when that detachment first occurred. And the problem has not happened in my other eye either. The debris never leaves your eye (ewwwwwww), but it settles into an area where most of the time you aren't able to see it.

Anyway, I think the floaters you are having right now are normal. Your doctor ordered up an MRI to be on the safe side because you keep voicing concern over what is happening and he wants to just be sure. Also, you said you are epileptic, and maybe that raises additional concerns; I don't know. But the fear of a brain tumor or ms just seems unrealistic to me, based on the symptoms you've described (exactly the same as the ones I had).

Much as you disliked your first doctor, I think his diagnosis and advice was right on target (the part about you being fine and not needing to modify your exercise schedule, etc). I guess a lot depends on intonation, but I don't think he was being mean when he said that thing about when you die you won't have eye problems. I think it was meant more to be reassuring - as in this is normal, people have these detachments every day, and you're not gonna die from it. We're going to be suffering from these ordinary day to day problems until we die, in other words. He perhaps thought that if he acted all flip like that, you would realize you were ok. Of course, you really took it to heart and needed someone with a softer manner. The joke definitely fell flat, but that doesn't mean it was spoken with malice.

I think we should all write a book about our horrific experiences--to show others we are survivors, and to show others what the signs are of abuse and neglect. The signs were all there for me--I never spoke at school, and I have to deal daily with the years of physical neglect from my "parents" --multiple surgeries, etc. (I use the term very loosely). Yet they put me in nice clothes over my body that they didn't properly care for, so they put their "show on" for the world. They couldn't do anything wrong, of course. They were fakers and liars, and some of my first thoughts were why I was born.

It's funny--I have a wedding picture of my parents in my living room. It's in a nice frame, and the kids like the picture. Just this morning I was thinking of taking it down.

If nothing else, I hope this board helps others look for signs of abuse--it it looks like abuse and neglect are happening, go investigate. A lot of people who are parents shouldn't be, and it's too bad they just don't admit that they're not up to the job and give the kids to someone else who actually likes chidlren and can handle child rearing.

Frisbee

Robin I'm sending many hugs and lots of support. Take us with you when you go to your appointment. (in spirit..you don't have to rent a bus) Just imagine all of us around you supporting and comforting you.
I want you to know we're here for you ANYTIME. You are an amazing person and have helped me so many times, I only hope I can help you in some way!

We're with you every step of the way. Hang in there and try to take things step by step......it helps the anxiety. But yeah, I know....believe me, I know.



Many hugs!
Sue

Oh Robin,
I just got in and read your post. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It is so scary. I know how alone you must feel. I wish I lived closer, I'd go with you or sit and have a cup of tea with you. (that's the Irish way for healing). (A shot of booze would work well too.) Anyway, keep us up to date on the visits to the doctors and how it's going. I'm cheering for you. I dont' know enough about the eye to offer opinions. but I am happy you're having an mri just to put you at ease. Hang in there.

Robin,
I just read your post. My heart just goes out to you. Please take a deep breath and another. You have been so very kind to me with my condition and I want to give back to you. Much of what I am going to say are things you've said to me. I write them to you with support and love.

Breathe. Breathe. You are strong, even if at moments you feel understandably weary from having to be strong to get through so much. For me, there are no anwers as to why any of us have what we have to deal with. Without question, some have far more than their "fair share". So, do whatever you can and need to do to be good to yourself. Take a warm bath, listen to your favorite music, eat something that is of comfort to you. I know they don't "fix" anything but they honor who you are and what you're going through and you deserve that. You deserve that. You are worth everything good and healthy and whole. So, breathe and ask yourself "What can I do right now - just right now - to feel less stress or anger or fear" and then do it. Again, I know it won't change the "big picture" but I am coming to realize more and more than the "big picture" is really made up of smaller accumulative things. So by doing a small thing, it's going to help the big picture in its own way.

Let yourself be afraid. It makes sense and you're entitled to that as well. I know for myself sometimes I feel like I have to justify my fear or be embarassed by it. NO! Your fear is a natural and normal response to an unknown .... the fact that you are feeling fear and can allow yourself to express bespeaks of your strength. It truly does. And then, again, say to yourself, "I am afraid, it's ok to feel afraid, it doesn't mean my fear is going to "cause" something bad to happen .... so what can I do now to help compartmentalize the fear for a few minutes?" and then do it. Breathe. Breathe.

We are unique and amazing as individual people. You're alive and within that lies all hope. The doctor is doing what doctors do - offering tests to try and eliminate things AND offering tests because they feel duty bound to do based on our litigous (sp?) society. Every time I go to my oncologist he recommends something .... even though he knows I'm not "there" yet. He feels he has to - it's "CYA" if you will - and I do like my doctor - he's just in a system that encourages every test or treatment in the book. So, try and remember that too.

99% of what we fear never comes to fruition. So, try and remember that too. And, whatever you find out - you will be ok - I know this. You will be ok.

Please email me if you need/want to. I hold you in my heart and uplift you with all the women here. Feel our support and love, kathleent

Robin,here hoping you get good news,and also to tell you that I feel so bad for what you went through as a kid.No one deserves that.I would tell my so called parents they would be lucky if I ever visited them.GOD-bless

Robin, I just came in and read your post. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. This whole wacky ride called menopause has given ALL of us here in Power Surge the added strength to get us through 'rough spots'. And I'm sure this is just ONE more spot for you. I pray that your testing comes back just fine. I will look for your next post.
BIG huge GIGANTIC hugs for you.
Kleeo

Robin,

Hopefully by now you have been to the doc and he has been able to calm your fears. I just wanted to let you know that I can empathize with those feelings of fear. I haven't always been this way, I think our hormones really make us ultra sensitive to every twinge we have now.

YOU are so good at comforting others...I hope that some of the other ladies here have helped you like you have helped so many times.

I read a little about the vitrous detachment and it sounds EXACTLY like what you have....even the big glob you say that you are seeing. I would also bet that your headache is stress related.

Big Comforting Hugs

OMG: I can't even being to read through these wonderful posts...but I will tomorrow...after my MRI--which is scheduled for 7:45 AM. The doctor was very nice to me , but honestly said he didn't know if I had a brain problem or not, and that is was perfectly reasonable to check it out. You girls are wonderful...I love you all more than you can ever know. I just go home from my appointment and I am totally exhausted.

So...tomorrow morning...7:30 sharp I'll be there. I'll have results in 24 hours. Going to spend the day on the couch, watching the history of our country change before my very eyes. And of course, checking in to my sisters...God Bless You All!!!!

Hugs,

Robin

((((((((((Robin))))))))))))))

I'm praying that your MRI has negative results for anything serious. I can only extend my prayers and my friendship as I always have. Anyone would be frightened....you are not alone.

Looking forward to hearing what the results are. Try and get as much rest as you can and be kind to yourself. Comfort that littel girl inside that is so hurt, scared and frightened....she deserves only all the good that life has to offer.

Hugs,
Karen

Robin, I am praying for God to circle you with Angels. Not just one but many. As hard as it is PLEASE lay your fears and terrors at the feet of God RIGHT NOW. He WILL bring you peace. He WILL stand by you through ALL of this and HE will never walk away. It may be very very hard to feel His presence right at this moment but trust me...He is there.

Robin, I will keep you in my prayers. (((hugs)))

Robin, reading your post about the way your parents treat/treated you just made me feel like I was hit in the gut!
You poor darling! You have gone through so much in your lifetime, so many horrible happenings! How you've withstood it all is beyond me!
You must be an incredibly strong woman to weather all that turmoil!
Hang in there, girlio! Stay strong!

Robin,

I just now came into PS today, and read thru this thread. I am so sorry you have been having such a scary time. I am confident that you don't have MS or a tumor. Probably just a combination of hormones and your other medical troubles. I look forward to hearing that everything is just fine!

I am glad you are spending the day on the couch, it is the best thing you can do. Try not to worry, you will be fine! ((((BIG HUGS))))

Oh Robin, I just read this thread, and want to send you big ((((HUGS)))) !!! I hope you get a good night's sleep, then it's off for the MRI. Sending you calming wishes and believing all will be well.

Doctors get MRIs at the drop of a hat. He is probably suspecting ocular migraine but just wants to rule out anything else. More often than not diagnoses are made by exclusion, ruling out everything else. The MRI itself is very easy, just relax and listen to music and will be over before you know it. The waiting for results is not easy, but if you don't get a call from your doc in a day or two telling you to come in, I would feel confident that it is probably nothing too serious. I hope they figure out what is wrong and that it is easily treated. Keep us posted.

((((((robin))))))),

just wanted to add my hugs, thoughts, love, prayers. how very scary. i am so glad that you are getting (by now, i suppose, have gotten) the mri to rule out some things. i hope that you will get some good news very soon.

we are all with you right now,
xo,
ellen

MRI RESULTS IN: (RESULTS ARE GOOD/SOMEWHAT CONFUSING):

1. No evidence of MS or tumor of any kind (YAY!!!!!!)

2. No evidence of optic neurtis! (YAY AGAIN!!!!)

3. Three areas of my brain contain areas of "unspecific etiology" that could be attributed to "sequela from headaches, early blood vessel disease, and another term I didn't recognize." When I pressed the doctor for details, he got angry, so I let it drop. I need a follow up MRI in "a couple of months" to find out what these "three areas of unspecified etiology" are.

Can anyone who works in the medical field tell me what that might mean? Nurse Lisa? XIII? Iradan? (I know all of you are medical people...)

I'm so relieved I don't have a brain tumor, but now I don't know what is going on. He mumbled something about bleeding into my brain, and about the abuse I suffered to my head when I was a child. However, an MRI I had 20 years ago didn't mention this...it just showed that one of my ventricles (the left one) was smaller than the other, and there was a lesion indicating early scarring (from childhood head trauma.)

I guess the verdict is; I'm relieved but confused. Anyone?

PS Tara Lindsay....thanks...it worked...

Robin - I just read your post. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your life is one of the most complicated and traumatic that I have ever come across and my heart goes out to you. I really hope you sort this out soon and have a time of peace because you deserve it. My goodness, the things that have happened to you are just off the scale.

My Mum has had attacks of flashing lights like yours and curtains going over her eye in recent years and has lost some of her sight. She is a lot older than you (in her mid 70s when this started). They said it was either vitrial detachment as you have described or else athersclerosis where little bits of cholestrol break off the artery and block up some of the tiny blood vessels to the eye. Just a thought.

I myself recently went for tests to see if I had early macular degeneration following some suspicious retinal photographs. I had it recommended that I take bilberry (pilots used this in the war to improve their vision) and Lutein for eye health (tablets but also found in Kale). I thought you might like to know of these in case they may help you.

That doctor should no way have got cross with you asking questions. Can you call him and get clarification of what he said?

Hugs and I hope you get a happy diagnosis

Squiggle

Hi Robin,

First and foremost, are you feeling any better physically? I've been praying that you get some relief from all of this soon. I have to agree with squiggle....you have had so much happen to you....more than one person deserves in a lifetime. I know when I let out some of my trauma to a therapist he wondered why I wasn't on a rooftop with a machine gun...he was exagerrating a bit but you get the picture. You've had to endure so much and look at how successful you became in spite of it all. You're a fighter, that's for sure and you will overcome this obstacle and do what it is that you need to do to get through it.

Wishing you all the best.

Hugs,
Karen

Robin I am very relieved for you that you don't have a brain tumor or MS either. Good luck on everything. How sad that you suffered as a little girl.

Robin,
What great news! Do look into nutrients that will strengthen the eye and also help with vessel health. I know those things can be so helpful to the eye.

Robin, my sister is a surgical nurse who has asst many many eye surgeries. When she gets home from work I will call and ask her if she has any insite to your results. If she does I will let you know ok?

Oh thanks, that would be great! Karen, to answer your question, no I'm not really feeling any different. I cannot see out of my left eye...it's not all black or anything like that, but if I cover my right eye up, I can barely make out shapes enough to walk. And the flashes and dripping blobs of light are still happening--I've been timing them...they come every 4-5 minutes or so, or if I sneeze or blink too hard.

I asked for a copy of the MRI report. Here is what it says. I invite anyone with any kind of knowledge about this stuff (brain scan, MRI's, anything) to offer their interpretation:


(From the MRI)

"FINDINGS: Within the fight frontal lobe superiorly on image #17, a very tiny focus of nonspecific increased signal in tHE subcortical white matter is seen measuring 1-2 mm. It does not enhance. Another slightly larger focus of nonspecific increased signal in the subcortical white matter is seen in the rigHT cerebral hemisphere on image 14, measuring 3 mm. It does not enhance. A third tiny focus is seen in the subcortical white matter on the left side, measuring 2-3 mm. The brain parenchyma is otherwise unremarkable. There are no lesions in the posterior fossa and no periventricular lesions are seen. There are no lesions involving the corpus callosum.

The skull base is grossly unremarkable. Normal flow voids are seen in the superior sagittAL sinus, distal vertebral and basilar arteries, distal internal carotid arteries. There is minimal mucosal thickening in the ethmoid air cells. The right mastoids and left mastoids are well aerated. The inner ear structures are grossly unremarkable. There is no abnomal enhancement anywhere.

IMPRESSION: There are three foci of nonspecific increased signal in the subcortical white matter, all of which measure less than 1 cm and none of which enhances. The lesions are of nonspecific etiology but may be due to sequela of headaches and less likely, very early small vessel ischemic changes and even less likely, vasculitis or very early demyelinating process. The remainder of the brain parenchyma is unremarkable and no periventricular or corpus callosal lesions are seen. Recommend follow up.

Sorry if that hurts to read...I can't follow most of it. The ischemic changes, I think, means small bleeds into the brain. And the 'early demyelinating process' is what happens with MS and Alzheimers. I don't know if this just routine stuff, or if I should be concerned.

Again, is there a doctor in the house? (or someone who plays one on TV?)

Ischemic change means areas that have not received enough oxygen. Please be aware when reading these reports that radiologists report every little finding, whether it has relevance or not. My take on this is that you are most dealing with optical migraines. I'm not a doctor, I am an RN, just giving you my professional opinion on what this report means. I would not take any finding that is non-specific and non-enhancing to be cause for concern. If you have further questions, please schedule an appointment with your doctor to discuss. I'm happy that this is nothing serious!

Robin - I think you should concentrate on those words "even less likely"

I'm glad you got good news, Robin. <whew>

I have to say that the manner in which doctors deal with us is horrible! I think the only way they will learn is to be on the other side of a scary diagnosis at some point in their lives. Perhaps then they will muster up some compassion for others.

I am on my way out, so this is a quick one, but HOORAY!!!!! I am soooo happy your results are good ones. I'll be back tomorrow.

Yeah!! I'm glad the results are good. Still, it must be hard for you to enjoy the good results when you don't know what the results are. I understand you didn't want to make the doctor mad, they can be intimidating at times but... he is being paid well and part of that payment is to see that you understand what is going on with your health. I would call his office tomorrow and ask them to explain the findings. Then you can really celebrate!

Rather good to know you are "unremarkable"!! In this case at least.

I would interpret that report as pretty positive and nothing to lose sleep over. A follow up is a good idea, I am sure just to make sure there are no changes. So breath a deep breath of relieve....all is well in Robin's attic!! I am sorry the eye thing continues to annoy you, but maybe you do have the same thing Witsend talked about earlier in this thread. Something that will eventually settle down and not be such a nuisance...I hope so anyways.

I hope tonight you can sleep like a baby.

Robin,

Thanks for the update! Glad you are relieved and I do hope that your eye problem is fixed SOON.

Thank you girls. Yes, I am very relieved. I spoke with my primary care doc today and he said that the new MRI's are so good at picking up stuff that they show every little glitch in our brains. As for these 3 areas...well, I just have to wait and see if they get bigger. Follow up MRI in 2 months. Interestingly, my doctor told me to take DHA every day (it comes in fish oil)...I've been taking 120 mgs in my omega capsules but he said I should double that amount. It is supposed to protect your brain...thought I'd pass it along..

Robin, I'm glad you had good news with the MRI. How are the flashes?

HAPPY JOY! So glad to hear that your WORST fears have been alleviated! Now don't be like ME and worry yourself sick STILL......I tend to think that you are probably experiencing optical migraines (is that what they call them??? My big sister gets the darn things). Discuss with your doctor what concerns you do have left............thank GOD it was not a tumor or worse!
HUGS!

Congratulations Robin...I hope you are feeling alot better mentally and are able to reeeeelax. I will continue to take my Omega 3...

Good News!
Suzanne

so glad to see that you got a good report, robin! like so many others have said, try and relax and get some rest!!

(((hugs)))
gyz

Hi Robin,
Count me in with everyone else who is saying "HURRAY FOR ROBIN". The news is good. Follow ups (to just about anything nowadays) is very very normal. Breathe into your good news and take good care of yourself because you so deserve it! Find something each day - big or little in which you affirm your goodness to yourself. From a cup of your favorite tea to a nice hot bath to a hilarious movie .... do something everyday just for you. I'm so happy for you! Kathleen