I am looking for ways to regain my life. It seems as if most of it is falling at my feet and I am helpless to watch. The harder I try the faster it falls. Sound normal, if not familiar? I function as an empty shell these days, going through the motions with absolutely NO emotion left and I hate it! I try to stay positive but that is even waining somewhat. What gets you through during your empty shell days? I look to my future but sadly don't see ME in it. How's that for crazy?

As I was reading your post, I was thinking, "There are a lot of posts lately that focus of feeling down, helpless, overwhelmed, ect. Even I have posted my share. I wish I had the answer you need, but unfortunatly I'm feeling the same way you are. It reminds me of the quote I heard in a movie once..."This is a fine mess we're in." Whenever I feel like an empty shell, I try to count my blessings. I know we've all heard it before, but my Mom used to remind me to do it every time she heard me starting to complain about sometiing going on in my life. And it works. Thanks, Mom.

I hope your outlook on your future gets better and your able to take hold of your life with both hands! Don't give up.


((((((((((((((((Hugs to you))))))))))))))))))

I've turned to prayer, working out, journaling, and sometimes therapy to get through this past year....

Totaly understand and loved your description - "emtpy shell days". For me it seems to be a lack of purpose. A few years ago we retired, last child left home, and we moved to the beach. I know I should be very, very grateful and I am - great husband, beautiful home, at the beach, super kids and now grandchildren. But, I do feel without purpose. Gone are those busy days of raising a family and teaching dance, and yes, I loved it. So after the excitement of moving and putting together a new home I find myself saying "now what" and admitedly feeling less than important. So I have to find something and am thinking of volunteering and working with children. That part of me - being a mom and a teacher - needs to be filled. Don't want to be an "empty shell".

I think this time in life is more of a journey than any other. Before we were too busy, involved, and active to even think of the journey. Now it seems that is all we think of! And I don't want to think of it, I want to do it. My days are quite lovely actually - filled with freedom, the beach, my husband, etc. Still....where is that useful, important part of me? Do we all not need to feel valuable in our daily lives? Is that what we are missing? Way too many questions when really we want to be doing - or at least I do.

Could it be the after holiday blues, the dead of winter, or are we trying to rediscover ourselves? I rail against rediscovering myself. I know who I am. I did who I was and loved it, loved it. But, it went away as children left. How do I find me now? And ya know, I hate myself even whining about it. Sometimes I think - Oh shut up and get on with it. But what am I/we getting on with?

So much for my morning vent! Onward we go - wherever!

Dor

Ladybugs.....

You are definately Not alone in these feelings...I am struggling right now with all these negative emotions...they have come and gone over the last 8 + years, but since I hit peri now menopause (just turned 49 and no period since Aug 07).....I too feel like I have nothing to look forward to...my days seem bleak and meaningless.

Maybe I feel worse because its the dead of winter....I do have days when I feel better, but I NEED to feel alive and happy again....how do I get there?

No laughter coming out of this mouth.....much, much needed indeed!

Hugs ladybugs.

Caz x

I think that sometimes we reach this age and our kids are grown, our husbands are busy, and we lack clear cut purpose. When we were younger, we didn't have time to think, hardly to feel...you just had to "do", but when the doing slows down, then we start to feel more of what's actually going on in our emotions.

So purpose in life, or the need to be needed can make us feel down. I found a great website awhile ago, it's called Wishuponahero and it's a dot.com. Reading it makes me grateful for what I have, and it also gives me the opportunity to give back and get involved in other folks' lives, in a "cyber" way...without even going outside my home. Volunteering is also another great way to feel needed, if you have the time and energy to get out and do it. But if not, check out the wishuponahero website.

thank you ladies, (dawn said it perfectly) for putting my feelings into words. I too feel like I'm going through the motions of living. My life shoud be fine, kids are raised, nice husband etc...why do I feel lost?? As a trudge through each day I hang on the the hope that this will pass when my hormones settle down. Part of the problem is I put all of myself into my children and now my job is pretty much done, except for the occasional "crisis" Now I finally get to focus on myself and but don't know what to do next. Plus at 50 I expected to feel alot healther than i do. I Know most of my health issues are hormone related, but knowing the cause and feeling better are 2 different things. Just when I have time time to "do my own thing" I'm exhausted, emotional, anxiety ridden etc and do not feel like doing anything but curling up and sleeping. Will try some of your sugestions and take one day at a time.
(((((((hugs))))))) to everyone,may we all get through this eventually. If there is anyone out there who has passed through this and come out the other side, let us know. I need hope

I hear ya sisters. My last child is months away from finishing high school and I sometimes feel so lost. My kids dont' need me like they used to and it is hard to repurpose myself. I am trying a new business that I am very excited about, but those stinking hormones get in the way and some days, (many actually) I just dont' feel great, so it is so hard to stay upbeat and ready to tackle things. I want so badly to be working full time and maybe volunteering somewhere with extra time, but i don't always have that get up and go like I used to. It frustrates me more than anything. I am now back to exercising and trying not to let the bad days get a hold. that is easy to say on a good day. (catch me when I am not feeling good and it's a whole different story).

Yes, we will stay together here and plug along and please, let's push each other to stay positive and upbeat. We can do this if we stay n touch and strong together.

Well, at least I know I am not alone with these feelings. I think at 42 (surgical menopause related) that I am....hmmmm. realizing I have never really KNOWN me. I always simply WAS because of someone else ie kids hubby family, stuff like that. So, now I am wondering exactly who I am and I really don't know. Whats harder is I don't know how to figure it out. Confusing huh? I am taking a leap of faith and starting my Wellbutrin (FINALLY) today but I am scared to death because I have so many side effects from meds and don't know how I will handle this but I have to try SOMETHING right? If I don't I think I may be in a small rubber padded room by the end of the year! Wish me luck girls, this is a BIG and scary step for me. I just hope it makes SOME difference for the better. I so very much want to be able to interact with life again but I can't seem to pop this blasted bubble that has developed around me.

I wish you luck with the Wellbutrin. Lets' think positive for you. It will work and you will feel great. Back to feeling like you again. I will be thinking about you and wishing you the best today.

Ladybugs,

Thanks for starting this awesome thread, and also wishing you much luck with your Welbutrin - I pray you will feel much better soon.

I think it's common for women to feel these things - even in the "old days," people talked about "empty nest syndrome." It seemed like such a benign phrase back then, when it wasn't us going through it, huh?

It really is a time of re-inventing ourselves. I liked Enough's point that even on days when we feel emotionally invigorated about getting out there and starting something new, we may not feel physically up to it. It feels a bit like spinning one's wheels, alternating between being too tired, or sore, or indifferent, to do much, or not being sure what the heck to do!

It helps to remind ourselves that we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. As Dawn pointed out, we spent years doing what needed to be done - can we call that a "purpose?" Most people eventually ask themselves these big questions - why are we here on Earth? What are we meant to do? Consider that although some people work hard in chosen careers for years, and love it all the way through, others do so while feeling they are not truly doing what they'd like to do. Some people just kind of bumble along from thing to thing, and seem very happy!

Is there a "right" answer to what a purposeful life should be? I read a very good quote once that said something like, "Even someone who lives a very quiet life can enrich the lives of others in simple but essential ways." Something like that.

What if the purpose is to cherish what's already there? Like you, Ladybugs, I have a good husband, a nice home, in my case in a pretty wooded area. Might it be enough if we wrap our arms around what's here - truly grasp the beauty of it all, without any anxieties that we aren't "doing enough?" What if we just prepare a lovely meal, say a simple salad with lettuce leaves arranged just so, LOL. Is there something worthy in this? It can give a lot of visual and gustatorial pleasure, LOL.

There have throughout history been monastic types who enter cloistered places, and spend their days praying and fasting, and tending small vegetable gardens. Is this enough, in terms of purposeful living? MUST they be out chogging away at helping others in more deliberate ways?

I think we are members of a culture which encourages and rewards "certain kinds" of work. We are impressed with the chefs and the scientists and the college professors. The Mother Teresa's. Yet the woman down the street, who spends her morning engrossed in a good book, LOL. Isn't that a worthwhile thing? What is she learning, that she then brings to the world? If I take a job for the sake of "something to do" is this a worthwhile purpose? Or will I simply carry a feeling of emptiness there with me?

We must not minimize our own lives. Although peri-menopause has caused many of us to "spin our wheels," unsure of WHAT the heck we want, we remain essential members of our families and communities. I may not feel up to taking on a job, or a dedicated volunteer project, but I can smile at the mail-lady when she comes. From a larger perspective, might that be a good purposeful thing to do?

Thanks for these opportunities to reflect and philosophize!

JJ

[quote name='joliejacq' date='Jan 5 2009, 12:35 PM' post='258578']
Ladybugs,

Thanks for starting this awesome thread, and also wishing you much luck with your Welbutrin - I pray you will feel much better soon.

I think it's common for women to feel these things - even in the "old days," people talked about "empty nest syndrome." It seemed like such a benign phrase back then, when it wasn't us going through it, huh?

It really is a time of re-inventing ourselves. I liked Enough's point that even on days when we feel emotionally invigorated about getting out there and starting something new, we may not feel physically up to it. It feels a bit like spinning one's wheels, alternating between being too tired, or sore, or indifferent, to do much, or not being sure what the heck to do!

It helps to remind ourselves that we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. As Dawn pointed out, we spent years doing what needed to be done - can we call that a "purpose?" Most people eventually ask themselves these big questions - why are we here on Earth? What are we meant to do? Consider that although some people work hard in chosen careers for years, and love it all the way through, others do so while feeling they are not truly doing what they'd like to do. Some people just kind of bumble along from thing to thing, and seem very happy!

Is there a "right" answer to what a purposeful life should be? I read a very good quote once that said something like, "Even someone who lives a very quiet life can enrich the lives of others in simple but essential ways." Something like that.

What if the purpose is to cherish what's already there? Like you, Ladybugs, I have a good husband, a nice home, in my case in a pretty wooded area. Might it be enough if we wrap our arms around what's here - truly grasp the beauty of it all, without any anxieties that we aren't "doing enough?" What if we just prepare a lovely meal, say a simple salad with lettuce leaves arranged just so, LOL. Is there something worthy in this? It can give a lot of visual and gustatorial pleasure, LOL.

There have throughout history been monastic types who enter cloistered places, and spend their days praying and fasting, and tending small vegetable gardens. Is this enough, in terms of purposeful living? MUST they be out chogging away at helping others in more deliberate ways?

I think we are members of a culture which encourages and rewards "certain kinds" of work. We are impressed with the chefs and the scientists and the college professors. The Mother Teresa's. Yet the woman down the street, who spends her morning engrossed in a good book, LOL. Isn't that a worthwhile thing? What is she learning, that she then brings to the world? If I take a job for the sake of "something to do" is this a worthwhile purpose? Or will I simply carry a feeling of emptiness there with me?

We must not minimize our own lives. Although peri-menopause has caused many of us to "spin our wheels," unsure of WHAT the heck we want, we remain essential members of our families and communities. I may not feel up to taking on a job, or a dedicated volunteer project, but I can smile at the mail-lady when she comes. From a larger perspective, might that be a good purposeful thing to do?

Thanks for these opportunities to reflect and philosophize!

JJ
[/
I know what you are all talking about. I have many days like that. I quit my job in May after 10 years and have found that I do not enjoy all of my free time. I am looking for another job, but can't seem to shake my lonely feeling. I have a wonderful husband and my kids are grown also. I try to remain postive but some days are harder than others. Mondays seem to be one of the hardest when my husband goes out the door to work. It helps to get on this site and see other women have the same feelings I do. Then I don't feel so alone. Hopefully I will find a job soon. I understand about not knowing who we are anymore, we have been moms and wives so long that we really don't feel like us. Thanks for sharing your feelilng with the everyone. It helps.

Hi "ladybugs"...yes, "empty shell" is a good way to describe this "feeling" ... I have said that to myself, in trying to figure out what exactly it is, I feel. But, empty shell is good. No emotions left, you're right. Yes, going through the motions, feeling very negative about so many things .... I feel as if, inside, I'm just "sitting here"....staring at the wall, no thoughts, unless of course I'm bombarded with some kind of fear, or anxiety ... but other than that, yeah, no thoughts, just blank, and "empty", it's weird. This, isn't me!

Maybe this is the real meaning of the word mid-life crises? I refused to believe it depression! Tried the Ad’s, doesn’t matter how much or how long I took it>>it still does not change the situations in my life.

I read an article reason on this subject> let me look it up since I can not post the link here.
Watch for it, since I will make a new thread!

Prayer gets me through the days...and a good therapist.... I take it hour by hour....and then I look up and my beautiful daughter is home and I fake it for the rest of the day until she is in bed...then I cry!

TJ

I'm really surprised how many of us feel like this. It is such an isolated, unnerving...lost feeling. And with the lost feeling you feel as if nobody knows you are even gone....so how can anybody possible lead me back to me.

"ladybugs" .... "how can anybody lead me back to me?" .... "lost"..... and the feeling that nobody else really knows how "lost" you feel .... except all of you! I'm TRYING to look at these changes, as something positive .... not "great", but maybe positive. I certainly don't mean these horrible symptoms ... I mean the "inner" changes. ... maybe from this "lost" feeling, will come a new me, I HOPE! I'm glad I'm reassessing my life! It needed to be reassessed! I'm trying to think of this as a "passage" to another time in my life, sort of like when were in puberty or pregnant ..... if I can only NOT hurt, ache, panic, and whatever else long enough.......maybe I can actually believe myself!

I totally relate to how everyone is feeling and I still have one child at home (graduating this year) and I have a new job that I really like. I still feel like a huge part of me is empty and lost. I long for when my kids were younger and they filled my life with a sense of purpose - even though it was exhausting. I miss being immersed in my children and the closeness that I had with them as we went through our days. I feel lost without them needing me they way they did. I don't think anything will ever replace that feeling, who knew that it was addictive. Spouses don't fill the hole, neither does work or volunteering. I've been trying to find a way to simulate the feeling but so far I haven't found it. I am so sad that this part of my life is over. I love my kids as grown ups, but I miss the children they were.

Open a daycare...that feeling will VANISH! LOL That I can say is the ONE thing that I never have is QUIET!!! I'd settle for some serenity...just a bit. I've been doing daycare in my home (9 kids all under 5) and while I miss the quiet I can say I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do!

ellcee, You said it perfectly - exactly how I feel. Thank you for saying it with such clarity, feeling, and sensitivity.

Dor

My dd is 12 and I am crying all of the time when I look at her... She is the reason that I live! This year was extremely difficult with her growing up and changing so much...whaqt a difficult year. I miss my baby and the "nice" little girl that she used to be. She has become very opinionate...she's still a good kid...but the opinions just keep coming lol...heavy sigh!

TJ

Hello lovely ladies. I too can relate. I think what helps me is the realization that we are constantly evolving as people. I am not the same person I was as a child or as a 19 year old...or young woman. I am a continual work in progress. I will continue to evolve too until my last days. That is who I am. I love JJ's comment about me as a human being and not a human doing. JJ that was soooooo cool...you rock sista. May I suggest that tap into some good reading...Purpose Driven Life, Power of Now, Simple Abundance do come to mind. I just try and find ways to keep myself as stimulated as possible. My life is more than just being someone for somebody else. It is now time to be my own best friend and try and find some meaning in this type of suffering. I like a website too - Empty Nest...I will find the exact name of it if you like. I have been a member there for years. It is a comfort to me.

Happy New Year and New You....

Suzanne

Ladybug, you can surely see and read that you are not alone. For myself, I find that comforting even though I know that each woman here has had/is having times that are painful or difficult.

For me, so much has happened in the last 4 years, including a very serious diagnosis in just the past few months. I realized that for the past 4 years (that I've been peri and now post) I was "lost" in that I wanted "my old life back, my old self back" and that was a huge point of sadness and frustation and fear for me. Inerestingly, after my diagnosis, I realized that I was comparing my life to not only the way it had been but to the way I always thought it would be. And that was actually preventing me from living my life the best I could right now. For me, that's difficult - very difficult at times. When those very difficult times come, I truly say to myself "be here now, Kathleen. Right now you are alive and when we're alive anything is possible, anything." I also try and count my blessing as someone else mentioned. I also say to myself "this too shall pass" because eventually, everything does. And at other times, I just have to really reach out to others - on this site and a few dear friends I have who know to listen and listen and listen and let me know that there is something powerfully possible in just being alive.

My diagnosis has brought me the opportunity (that i I sure didn't want) to look at my own death, face to face. No denying it. No wishing it away. Just feeling it, talking about it AND letting that go too. That has and continues to give me perspective and interestingly enough, hope.

I have found therapy as tremendous support for me. And one of the things my therapist has said to me that has been so helpful is "being alive is letting yourself express and feel all that you feel. It's ok to say you're mad, scared, lost, happy, unsure, etc. etc. etc." It is in the supressing of those feelings that make our lives the most difficult." I am finding that to be true for me as I walk this walk.

I find strength and hope through and with other women and their stories. I try and read books that inspire me (Crazy Sexy Cancer is a great one for me!) and I also journal. I also try and truly look at the whole picture of my life. I am more than being a post menopausal hormone crazy girl! I'm more than a scary diagnosis. I'm more than the sadness that I feel, even when it lasts for longer than I wish it did. I am more than all of those things and I'm alive. So anything is possible.

Hang in there and know that light comes out of darkness and that anytime there is disharmony, the opportunity for harmony accompanies that. Know you're not alone and savor as much as you can each moment. Give yourself permission to be yourself and take whatever risks or steps are necessary for that. That reminds me of one of my all time favorite books that you might enjoy if you've not read it - Anne Lindberg's Gift of the Sea. BEAUTIFUL and really speaks to what we're all writing about here. Take good car, Kathleent

I can certainly understand what everyone here has been saying, as I have been experiencing these feelings a lot lately. I have been a stay-at-home mom since 1986, so all I have ever known and done is the mom thing. My kids are now 22 and 18. My 22 year old went to college clear across the country, graduated and is now back home while working on her masters. My son is a college freshman, going to school nearby, but living on campus. Needless to say, nobody needs me for much of anything any more, and I am left with the "now what??" feelings.

I do not want to go back to work, as I feel that sometimes I am just not capable. Not only have I not held a job inn 22 years, but peri sometimes deals me some symptoms that are hard to cope with, and I just can't fathom the thought of having to function in the world when I feel so yucky. Some days I just can't tolerate people and don't leave the house!

I am searching for need and purpose, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Errands and house work just aren't much fun day after day. And I do get lonely, in spite of a good hubby and grown up kids.

this may sound hokie--but i carry in my pocked a 'gratitude stone' it is simply a rock that i picked up on my last visit to the mountains---a place i love. i keep it in my pocket and everytime i put my hand in my pocket---i am reminded to be grateful for all that i have. it's just a way to remind myself that i have MANY things to be grateful for. it doesnt make me walk around happy all the time for sure----but somedays it does the trick!

I can so relate.... It is definitely and has been a challenging time... I think, as someone else suggested...finding something to be grateful for is important. For me, as I said it is my dd. She reminds me every day of the person that I used to be and as someone else suggested, I grieve for that person EVERY DAY and have MANY REGRETS! But I find that trying as best I can to live in the moment is the best choice for me right now...to rest when I need rest...to eat when I need to eat...and to drive to the park and look at the beauty that surrounds me prevents me from going over the edge...

Every day I do what I can and so I have become grateful for the very small things that I am able to do every day!

TJ