A question for you Ladies. I have been reading examples of how Perimenopause has taken the content lives of some women and turned their lives upside down. Stories like, how when their husbands, whom they say they love, talk about retirement the “freak out” with the idea of him being around all the time. And how it feels like an invasion on the weekend when he is home instead of during the week when he spends most of his time at work. They also talk of wanting an escape place where they can retire to, away from hubby and family. I am experiencing similar things with my 52 year old wife saying things like, I wish I could live on my own, and to me, you seem to be around ALL THE TIME NOW.
Any enlightenment for me and how to ease her frustrations? Devoted.

Hi Devoted... such a valid question, yet so difficult to answer. I guess my best response would be that you can't "ease her frustration". She's go a whole lot going on right now inside.

Be supportive from a bit of a distance. She might be overwhelmed with so many changes at once, and I would advise you not to get caught in the crossfire.

Love her.. lay low... and follow her lead.

Sorry, that's the best that I have.

Good Luck!!

Let me preface this by saying that I love my husband dearly and love having him around. However, everyone (and I do mean everyone) needs alone time. Whether it's introspective time or just "let me walk around the house naked without worrying about everyone seeing what jiggles".

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Do not take it personally. Peri and menopause is a time when women can become very reflective and intense in their moods and feelings. It's a time when a lot of things we brushed aside to raise families and do our jobs comes to the surface and our hormones dictate that we sit up and pay attention. It can be a very difficult time--filled with mixed feelings, waxing and waning moods, physical concerns or ailments and a confusing time when we can look in a mirror and truly not recognize the person looking back.

It passes, but with all things, it takes time. We can't flip a switch, although I'm sure all the PS sisters wish we could.

My suggestion? Pick up a hobby or two that will gaurantee you'll have some time for yourself and give her some time, too.
Volunteer at a soup kitchen, join a bowling league, go fishing, join the men's club at your church...You get the idea.

And most of all. Be supportive of her. Keep on loving her and be there when she needs you to just LISTEN. You won't always be able to "fix" what's bothering her--but if she knows she has your love and support that will go a long way.

Good luck! You sound like a nice guy. She's lucky to have you.

Thank you for your response. The crazy thing is that I have spent around 9,000 days with this woman, and all of a sudden I don't know how to act around her. I feel out of place in my own home, and it *****.
Devoted

Devoted,

The sad part of your response above, is that you wife doesn't know how to feel inside her own body right now. That is a very disturbing feeling. I went thru a time of not wanting anybody around me. Although I am a lot better now, I still require more time to myself than I ever have in my life. I used to dread being alone, now I love being alone. I get frustrated and angry if my hubby is around 24/7. I guess part of the problem is I don't feel up to dealing with his "issues" right now. It has always been about him, or the kids, or the parents, etc. I need to think about myself and what I need, and enjoy for a change. Not that I feel I am overly selfish, it is more like I am less selfless.

I think this change in attitude, which is extremely common at this time in a woman's life, confuses the families and mates. And understandably so. It really is a time when we no longer either want to be, or need to be caretakers. For myself I was just overwhelmed with everyone else's problems - which normally I would have done everything in my power to sort out for them. Now, I don't want to. They got themselves into the situation, so they can get themselves out of it. I say that, but I do still help, just not as much perhaps, and with a whole lot less guilt if I don't!!!

I wish I could explain this better. It doesn't mean I don't love everyone as much as I used to. But there is no question that I want to play a different role than I used to. I do want my DH to be more independent. I wish he had outside interests and wasn't always at home when he isn't working. Instead, I have found outside activities. I think at this time in life it is better to live fairly seperate lives, and make dates for coming together, and making those moments special.

And sadly she probably feels the same way.

I am totally opposite i am with my hubby 24/7 we work from home. He is my crutch without him i would be crazy i want him near me sometimes when i can;t sleep his back rubbing really helps me feel secure. I do have times when i want to be alone on puter or in bed but thats when i know i am pmsing bad and to rather not start arguments or fights i think its best. I am sorry your wife its feeling like this but some alone time is good if she chooses to be alone for a couple hours just let her be the best thing to do. I wish you luck. Terry

It's kind of ironic that our difficulty started in Sept. when she told me she felt we had drifted apart and that she felt no "connection" with me anymore. I assessed our situation and realized that with my odd days off and odd work schedule that we were together, awake, about 8 hours a week. I don't know how we went as long as we did with that schedule. So I changed my schedule where now I get up very early but now we have about 30 hours a week to spend together. This is where I get confused. I expected more time to equal more "connection", but now I am apparently around to much. Although last weekend she waited for me to get home from work so we could do shopping together as well as the entire following day which really surprised me. Again... which way is up?
Devoted

Her moods will fluctuate, just like her hormones are fluctuating--so the best thing I can follow up my previous post with is to advise you to expect the unexpected. Sometimes guys see things as black and white, but with perimenopause and menopause there are a lot of gray areas. Flexibility is the key word.

Oh...You might want to tell her to come join us on the board! It may help her to know she's not alone in all this!

I, too, am just the opposite! My husband is retired and I work part-time three days a week. We're together a lot more than we used to be, but we get along fine. We enjoy the same things, which is a plus. We each try to get out of the house sometimes to let the other have some alone time, which I agree is important, whether its to just take a walk, go the store or to the library, etc. The best thing in life is to have that special someone around.

Try not to take it personally! There’s a chapter in Susun Weed book title (Crone’s Time Away)
>>First step of one’s self-initiation is isolation….
First secret of menopause I WANT TO BE ALONE!<<

Try going to Susun Weed web site and see if you can read that chapter.

Really hard to explain what it feels like even for me> a women!

I think I’m starting to come out of cocoon since I get lonely at times & cabin fever!
Hang in there and keep telling yourself this to shall pass!

One of the first symptoms I remember was feeling as though I could SCREAM if ANYONE even got NEAR me!! And DONT you even dare THINK about touching me!! I wanted to pull my hair out and yours too!! And SCREAM!! And DISAPPEAR off the face of the earth!! And smash cars on the highway!! I wanted to spout off things that I would never dream of saying! And tell my dearest friends where they can go and take their entire family with them...........or worse!!! I was losing my mind!! I wanted to SCREAM to the whole world **** YOU!! I don't need you or anyone else!!! All of a sudden I had such uncontrollable rage inside of me. I never let it show, but instead I turned it on myself. And it would not go away!!

as for me... all the answers above pretty much sum up how i've been feeling for the last few years. actually, i never really know how i'm going to feel when i wake up in the morning! right now, at this time in my life, i'll admit that i don't like myself very much and, in turn, don't want to be around anyone for any length of time. how can anyone else like being around me when i don't even like being around me?! if i can't figure out what's going on inside me, how the heck can anyone else, so if you don't have a solution then you must be part of the problem is how i see it. but then again, that's just me.

hang in there and don't give up on her, devoted!

gyz

gyzwyf,

That's exactly how I felt for a VERY long time. I hated the person I had become and I was trapped inside, with nowhere to go and I wanted OUT!!! BAD!!!

I am sure most of us feel this way in peri.

I think you need to talk this through together~Devoted. Once I spoke to my husband about menopause and told him that life was going to be hell for him and me our relationship got much better. He now comes home from work and sometimes asks me "is this a good or bad day"? poor thing!!
You guys will feel lost....... I would hate to live with me somedays. In fact I do hate to live with me!!
Just think of your wifes hormones going up and down at any given time or over days. Her moods will be doing the same.
The one good thing about menopause is that once you are on the menopause bus you will eventually reach your destination. Its always nice to come home!!

Jazz

I am sure most of us feel this way in peri.

I think you need to talk this through together~Devoted. Once I spoke to my husband about menopause and told him that life was going to be hell for him and me our relationship got much better. He now comes home from work and sometimes asks me "is this a good or bad day"? poor thing!!
You guys will feel lost....... I would hate to live with me somedays. In fact I do hate to live with me!!
Just think of your wifes hormones going up and down at any given time or over days. Her moods will be doing the same.
The one good thing about menopause is that once you are on the menopause bus you will eventually reach your destination. Its always nice to come home!!

Jazz

Hmmm a golden oldie.... Way back when I first came here, we decided that we would have a Menoisland, and we would get there in the same HMS Menoboat (I'm from the UK), where we would do what we wanted to do, not be responsible for anyone but ourselves (tiredness), not feel that we had to have sex or our partners would feel unloved (most of us feel dead from the neck down) and could stay in bed or our pj's all day. Thankfully it did pass!

My advice is to give your partner space, don't go on about it and be sure that once the butterfly emerges from the pupa again, you will know the woman you set up home with.

Good advice Jazz! What? We have a Menobus too?

That's the word Snowie...Cocoon

The memory isn't fully functioning yet!

This made me laugh. I did go through the rage thing, but then that changed and I went through about 1 1/2 years of being a recluse, very unusual for me. I couldn't make myself do housework, didn't answer the phone, didn't socialize, had anxiety about everything, it was majorly overwhelming to go to the grocery store. I just wanted to be left alone.

The good new is I'm coming out of it with the help of thyroid medicine and estrogen. I'm seeing glimpses of the old me again.

Yes, me too, Sariah. I am enjoying life again.........and surprisingly it's better than ever!!

I had to make some VERY difficult changes in my life.

I listened to my friends here and went with the AD's. That was probably the biggest and best decision I have ever made.

Try taking my AD's away and we both go down.................and YOU go FIRST!!!!

1st... What are ADs. And second, I you read some of my other posts like,” is my wife in denial" you will see that she does not think that this change in her outlook or behavior is in anyway due to any menopause related happenings. So I can't "suggest" she do anything if it menopause related. I made that mistake once, and I'm not going to make it again.
Do small tokens of affection, even though they might be accepted harshly, down deep, help her understand my affections for her, or will they just annoy and cause the roll of the eyes?
I have tried asking her out for a kind of a date, which she doesn't seem interested in, and left little notes around the house, and hearts in various forms. Am I making steps forward with these gestures, or taking large steps backwards?
Thanks for your responses. Devoted

AD's are anti-depressants.

It sounds like you love your wife, which is AWESOME, but you may be trying a bit too hard. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but that's just my take on it.

It took me a few years to realize all my angst was about menopause. You can't hurry this along. She will come to understand it in her own time, and I know that's not good news for YOU.

Be patient.....

Have a wonderful holiday, Devoted.... and hang in there!!!

I know by "mistake" you mean that you got a bad reaction from her. But you know what ? It most likely IS menopause related, and the only way she's going to have a chance in h*ll to get better is if she accepts the reality of her situation and makes the decision to do something about it. That something could be a wide variety of actions, from just talking with you about it to getting formal counseling, from improving her diet to using hormone supplementation (this is what I'm doing, and I have to say it's been a bit of a miracle for me).

What is that saying ? The first step is admitting that you have a problem.

You know? I hadn't realized until you said this that just a few short months ago I was in the same situation. I really hadn't a clue as to why I was so angry all the time, snappish, aloof, weepy, etc etc etc. It was the PHYSICAL symptoms that finally caught my attention and caused me to embark on the journey to, um, "self awareness". I just thought I was nuts. In a way I'm glad I developed the physical symptoms because it finally put a name on what I was going through besides "she's just being bitchy again". LOL

Prior to experiencing the first symptoms that I knew to attribute to menopause (skipped period), I had no idea that in the years prior my mood swings were related to it ! No idea at all. Now it's so clear to me.

I do want to add here though that I don't think that we women who are getting frustrated or upset or anxious or whatever else are reacting to nothing at all. We all have stresses and problems in our lives, and we're reacting to them, just in a more exaggerated manner than is necessary, or than we used to when we were younger.

I do feel that problems which seem to appear during peri and meno are pre-existing, and the peri and meno just affect our ability to deal with them.

Maybe in some, but I never had a panic attack in my life until I was in peri. Never.

You hit the nail on the head. Our coping ability is totally gone during peri and we are finally forced to confront problems that we were able to ignore before.

Me either, Leanne. Never.

True. 100% true. I have said this over and over. The better shape (pysically and emotionally) you are going IN the better you weather the storm. If you haven't dealt with it BEFORE peri, it will for sure bite you right in the A$$ during.

HOWEVER (LOL there's always a however ) There are blatant perimenopausal symptoms that come on because of hormone flutuations. (Bev- you rock!!) and for some of us a whole new chapter of discomfort is born. Hot flashes, night sweats, and panic attacks just to name three.

There are no right answers. It's not a test. We all have our own experiences.

Or a migraine-night sweat & HOT FLASHES-Depression-All OVER Body PAIN-Sleep disturbances with horrid nightmares-dead libido-Hate Everyone-Mood swings>( ok maybe with pms)-Difficulty Concentrating, Mental Confusion-Dizziness- Light Headedness-Burning Tongue-Digestive Problems-Tingling Skin,
Hmmm did I forget anything?????

How long have you been married?
There are two words that shall not be in a Man vocabulary>>
PMS & Menopause!
Bring either up and face a firing squad!

Now if we ladies bring the subject up to each other, it's like OMG you too> instance Kindred Spirits!!!!!

Welcome to the girls club NO men allow!

That makes a lot of sense and does explain a bunch of stuff. Yes I believe that the issues that we are dealing with were pre existing but for whatever reason they were able to be over looked. Now even very small issues are being dealt with and I am beginning to understand why. For example, sometimes I will end a conversation with the term “gotcha”. She will tell me something, and I will use that term. Well guess what. I have learned that that term reminds her of her passed Uncle Dave, who she loved, but was a bit of an old curmudgeon. I am no longer allowed to use that term because it reminds her of him, and I am expected to be able to edit myself to not use it, even though I didn’t even know it was something I said. That is not easy to do. The best thing for me right now is that even though I am walking on eggshells most of the time, she is choosing to spend all of her available time we have together, and she is not avoiding me. I hope that is a positive thing.
Thank you all again for your insight and assistance.
Devoted

It can be very common in meno for women to want to be alone. It can be an agoraphobia. I would be so much worse w/o my AD meds. Is your wife on anything? She might need to see her Dr. Even a female GP could help.

I have a young child and HAD to be on something to be the Mother that my son deserves to have. So I take meds.

Hang in there! Your wife is not feeling well, plain and simple. Depression could keep her from shopping, cooking, and her hobbies.

Bless you guys! I pray that God will show you what is best for your wife and you